“What do you think, hyung?” Taemin mindlessly swirled the clear glass of half-finished milk in his right hand, liking how the white liquid leaves marks on the transparent slick surface, “Is this glass half empty?”

Jinki stared at Taemin, raised his eyebrow. “No, Taemin-ah. It’s half full.”

“You’re really optimistic, hyung.” Taemin offered a small smile. “I guess that’s why they made you our leader.”

“What’s with all this psychology talk?” Jinki chuckled. “And thank you, I take that as a compliment.”

“You’re welcome but it’s a fact, hyung, not a compliment.” Taemin then proceeded to gulp down the rest of the milk and place the empty glass on the table. “Look, it’s empty now.”

“Um, okay? Do you want some more milk?”

“No, hyung. I’ll go wake Minho hyung and Jjong hyung up before Kibum hyung comes back with breakfast.”

Taemin left Jinki feeling confused at the maknae’s actions. Jinki furrowed his brows as he watched Taemin’s retreating back disappearing into JongHo’s bedroom.

What on earth? Jinki sighed.

 

“You are not good enough!”

 

“Seriously, you need to stop tripping around, hyung.” Kibum sighed dramatically, “You almost lose your teeth again, okay. You’re lucky Jjong managed to catch you before you kissed the tiles. Stop spacing out.”

“I wasn’t spacing out~” Jinki pouted. “And I didn’t do it on purpose, okay. I didn’t want to fall.”

“Don’t worry, hyung. I’m always here to save the day!” Jonghyun beamed proudly, earning a scoff from a certain diva.

“Did we miss something?” Minho’s voice was heard. The three oldest members turned their attention towards the dorm door where Minho just entered with Taemin. They had late schedules today and they looked really tired.

“Welcome home, you two.” Kibum greeted, “dinner is ready. Do you want to eat?”

“Yeah.” Minho simply answered, already walking over to the kitchen counter. Kibum and Jonghyun followed.

Jinki was about to go after the rest when he noticed someone did not tag along. Instead, a soft click was heard. Taemin went to the bedroom instead of kitchen.

“Is something wrong with maknae?” Jinki asked Minho. The rapper gave a confused look and shook his head.

“Omo. Is my son sick?” Kibum started to panic. “Was he pale, Minho-ah? Did he eat?”

“Yeah. As far as I know, nothing bad happened. Should I check on him?” Minho made a move to stand up.

“No, it’s okay. I got him.” Jinki smiled. “You guys eat first.”

Leaving the kitchen, Jinki then knocked on the door thrice softly. There was no response and so he decided that being the oldest in this house meant he could ignore certain formal gestures sometimes. He opened the door.

Taemin was lying on his bed, his eyes focused on the ceiling. He wasn’t crying, nor was he smiling. He looked empty.

“Taem?” Jinki called, unsure.

“Hyung.” Taemin acknowledged. Jinki took that as a sign that he could enter, so he closed the door behind him.

“Please don’t switch on the lights.” Taemin mumbled. “I prefer it like this.”

“Okay.”

It was dark in the room but the curtains weren’t closed and the moon was full and bright, so Jinki could still see enough to not trip over anything. He managed to get to Taemin’s bed safely, and soon was sitting on the edge of it.

“What’s wrong, Tae?” Jinki’s voice was soothing, full of concern.

“Nothing.” Taemin sat up. “Sorry to make you worry. I just didn’t feel like eating.”

“That’s not good, Taemin-ah.”

“I’ll eat later.”

“Okay.”

They sat in silence, simply staring at each other, trying to come up with something to say. But there was nothing to talk about since Taemin wasn’t really in a mood for thinking and Jinki has a sangtae brain, sadly.

“Can I cuddle with you, hyung?” Taemin blurted.

Jinki was slightly surprised at the bold request. Taemin had always loved cuddling – most of the time he cuddles with Kibum or Minho because he was closest to the two of them. With Jinki, he rarely cuddles. It was always the man-to-man talk – because apparently only Jinki sees him as a matured man. The rest of the members treat him like small boy, the maknae.

Taemin was about to regret making such a request because Jinki wasn’t responding. He was on the verge of saying something about taking his words back when he felt Jinki grabbing his wrist gently, pulling him, guiding him to sit on Jinki’s lap.

Taemin buried his head into the crook of Jinki’s neck, enjoying Jinki’s scent. He placed both his hands around Jinki’s waist and he smiled as he felt Jinki’s slightly muscled arms doing the same around his body.

“Are you sure that there’s nothing wrong?” Jinki asks again. Taemin’s smile grew wider by a bit as he felt vibration on Jinki’s chest when he spoke.

“I’m fine, hyung. Just hold me… Stay like this for awhile.” Taemin closed his eyes and tightened his embrace, feeling glad that Jinki did the same.

“Okay.”

 

“What best dancer? You call that jerking dance?”

“Go back home. You’re not even good looking.”

“Stop blinking like that, it’s annoying.”

“You probably like acting innocent, don’t you?”

 

Taemin’s eyes no longer tear. He scrolled down the page, reading through the hurtful comments the anti-fans left at the tag board. His heart ached so bad it felt numb.

 

“What the hell, you call that long hair masculine?”

“Stop cross-dressing.”

“You are such a disgrace.”

 

He diverted his gaze onto the framed picture on his desk. It was the five of them after winning the Mutizen award. Jinki was crying, Minho being the cool Minho, Taemin himself was smiling wide, Jonghyun and Kibum were busy acting JongKey-like. Taemin had wanted to hold Jinki then, but Minho was faster and Jinki was in no condition to protest, he simply needed someone to support him and the tall rapper was there. Taemin didn’t hold and grudges against Minho then. He was sure if he were the one holding Jinki, he would cry along, so he was grateful that he didn’t.

 

“It’ll be fine.” Taemin assured himself in a whisper. “Don’t let this affect you. Don’t let the comments affect you. Don’t let–“

 

“You are dragging Shinee down.”

 

“No.” Taemin closed his eyes. “I just need to work harder.”

 

“You are ugly.”

 

“Taemin-ssi, why are you making so many mistakes today?” The dance instructor stopped the music. “I think we should end our practice here today, it seems that you’re too tired.”

“Are you okay, Taemin-ah?” Kibum asked, concerned.

“I’m okay hyung, and please don’t stop practice just because I made mistakes.” Taemin frowned. “I’m really sorry for missing the step, let’s go through this again and–“

“No, practice ends here.” The instructor repeated firmly as he made a move to leave the practice room.

“Well, let’s go then?” Jonghyun raised his eyebrow. Everyone knew something was wrong with Taemin – it wasn’t uncommon that someone made mistake during practices, after all that’s how they improved. But Taemin making way too many mistakes within a few hours was definitely not right.

“I’m staying.” Taemin declared as he walked to the music player. “I’m going to practice a bit more.”

“Taemin-ah.” Minho’s deep voice echoed through the studio, “Let’s go home and rest, okay? Stop pushing yourself so hard.”

“You go ahead, hyung.”

 

“They said people bully you in your school, that’s a lie, right?”

“Then again, serves you right. You can’t do anyway.”

 

“No, Taemin-ah, you are coming with us!” Kibum insisted and started to pull maknae’s wrist. “Have a good rest today and we’ll practice more tomorrow, so–“

“I SAID I’M STAYING!” Taemin shouted, making the other three shocked. Taemin jerked his hand off Kibum’s grip and turned away, refusing to look at his other hyungs.

The silence was thick and uncomfortable for all of them, and after a full minute Taemin decided he couldn’t take the awkwardness anymore so he pressed ‘play’ button. A random song started playing, the speaker was blasting as Taemin had just turned the volume to maximum before he stood in front of a mirror and started popping.

“I think we should leave him alone.” Minho told Kibum (who was still dumbfounded because his sonmaknae had just raised his voice at him) and Jonghyun (who stood there fuming, unhappy at how the maknae was throwing temper rudely at his Kibum when the three of them were just being concerned).

Sighing because the older two were not responding, Minho grabbed Kibum’s left hand and Jonghyun’s right hand and dragged them out of the practice room. They grabbed their backpacks before exiting the door, and Minho threw one last worried glance at the maknae who was still dancing like a robot.

As they settled into the van, Minho took out his cell phone to call Jinki. Their leader didn’t come for practice since he was busy with his musical rehearsals, but Minho was sure that there was no one else who could comfort Taemin other than their sangtae dubu at the moment.

 

“You dance like .”

“Must be nice being idols, you just need to smile like an idiot and stand there like a statue.”

Shut up.

Shut up.

It’s not true.

Taemin’s breath was hitched. Come on, Taemin. He went through a dance routine he created not long ago and he could feel his muscles protesting, but he needed to vent out this retarded feeling because it was suffocating. I dance well… I don’t dance badly. I just need to work harder.

Harder.

He did not realize that his body – t-shirt – was soaked with his perspiration. He didn’t realize that an hour had passed since he started dancing – he hadn’t taken a break, the songs were playing continuously on shuffle.

You need to be able to be the best at dancing. You are Shinee’s maknae Taemin who’s good at dancing. If you don’t dance well, you are a burden.

His right leg finally gave away, making him lose balance and fell flat on his stomach. Groaning, he flipped himself to lie on his back, his eyes on the ceiling as he continued reassuring himself. Come on.

“I’m okay. I’m okay.” Taemin chanted, hating how he was feeling so affected, sad, angry and frustrated over some stupid comments. “I’m okay.”

It’s okay; I just need to work harder… Come on Taemin-ah. I’m okay.

 

“Taemin-ah?”

Taemin couldn’t hear the leader calling for him because of the music. Jinki entered the studio and found that Taemin was mumbling something to himself as he lied on the floor, his face scrunched up like he was hurting somewhere badly.

Jinki walked over to the music player and pressed the ‘stop’ button. Taemin was too lost in his own misery that he didn’t realize he wasn’t alone.

 

“I’m okay, I’m okay.” Taemin closed his eyes, hating how he felt like crying all of a sudden. “It’ll be okay.”

At this, Jinki frowned. What’s wrong with him?

 

Jinki sat next to Taemin and nudged him by his shoulder. Taemin’s eyes snapped open and his already flushed face become redder. His eyes were still teary and he didn’t manage to wipe the tears on time because Jinki had noticed the tears.

“What’s wrong?”

“No, nothing.” Taemin faked a smile. “I’m fine, hyung.”

I’m not fine. I’m scared.

“Are you sure?”

No, hyung. What am I supposed to do?

“Yeah, really.” Taemin nodded. “I’m okay. Just slightly tired.”

I’m very tired of everything. I’m tired of pretending that everything’s fine.

“Don’t give me that look hyung, I’m really okay. I’m okay.”

I’m not okay.

 

Jinki observed Taemin’s face quietly. The maknae was really a bad liar.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Jinki offered, his voice sounding gentler, making Taemin eyes glisten again.

“I’m okay, hyung. I’m okay.” Taemin repeated, not feeling sure at all if he was telling Jinki or himself. “I’m–“

 

“You’re not okay.” Jinki cut. “I know you’re not okay, and it’s all right to feel not okay sometimes. You don’t have to push yourself. You don’t have to smile if you feel like dying inside.”

Taemin was stunned for a few seconds before he lost control over his tears and a sob escaped his lips. He tilted his down slightly, embarrassed because he never cries in front of anyone before. Not even the Shinee members.

 

“I’m not okay.” Taemin choked, “Hyung, it hurts so much…”

“I am doing my best, I really am, b-but my best isn’t good enough.”

Jinki tugged Taemin up silently, his arm wrapping around the maknae’s waist. Taemin gripped onto the leader’s shirt, burying his head into Jinki’s shoulder.

“Shh.” Jinki ran his hand up and down Taemin’s back, soothing the maknae. “It’ll be okay, Taemin-ah.”

Taemin wanted to retort, wanted to say something back but his throat was blocked and he couldn’t bring himself to speak. He continued releasing his tears of frustration, wetting Jinki’s clothes, but the latter didn’t mind at all.

“Everything will be all right.” Jinki whispered. “I’m here for you.”

Taemin snuggled closer to Jinki. “You’re not alone, Taemin-ah.”

 

 

It took awhile but Taemin finally managed to calm himself down. Jinki helped him to gather his things while he washed his face at the gents. They both went back to the dorm, Jinki promising the youngest that he wouldn’t say a thing to the rest of the members.

When they arrived at the dorm, Taemin expected to see an angry Jonghyun demanding for explanation and a tall Minho standing next to him, trying to calm the angry raptor. He had expected to see Kibum cooking dinner in the kitchen or some sort. But he was mistaken.

Instead, the three members were all gathered at the living room. As Jinki and Taemin entered, they all look up and gave awkward smiles.

“Taemin, Jinki hyung.” Kibum called. “Come sit.”

 

Puzzled, Taemin threw Jinki a weird look. It seemed that the leader himself didn’t know what was going on as he tugged Taemin’s arm and they both sat at the other sofa.

“Taemin-ah.” Minho started. “Have you been reading this?”

Taemin’s eyes widened at the shown page. It was the anti-fan’s comments he was reading last night (and every other night). Taemin must have been really distracted or tired the last time he used the laptop because he didn’t shut it down and the browser window was still open.

Taemin made a move to snatch his laptop away but Jinki – who was still holding his hand – tightened his grip. Taemin glared at Jinki before turning back to Minho. “Ever heard of privacy?!”

“Are you stupid?” Jonghyun blurted. “This is not even about privacy.”

“I’m not stupid. You guys are rude, okay.”

“Say the man who yells at Kibum.”

“What the .” Taemin gritted his teeth. “Look, I seriously do not wish to quarrel with anyone of you. The next time you use my things – laptop, or whatever – please remember about respect and ask for my permission.”

 

“This is not about privacy or respect, Taemin-ah.” Kibum spoke this time – sounding sad. “Why didn’t you tell us?”

“What?”

“It’s normal to have anti-fans, I guess.” Kibum smiled sadly. “And it’s not uncommon for idols to get affected by their comments. But why didn’t you confide in us? We all know you’ve been acting all weird these days, we were worried and–“

“Don’t you get it?” Taemin stood up, his hand still being pulled by Jinki but he resisted the force. “That’s why I didn’t say anything!”

 

Silence.

 

“I don’t want to be a burden, hyung.” Taemin’s throat was painful, but he was tired, very, very tired. He no longer wanted to pretend that everything’s okay. “I feel bad enough without having you guys worrying about me.”

“I’m tired of everyone expecting me to be perfect. I’m tired of people expecting me to dance well, sing well, and act well. I’m tired of everything.”

“I don’t want to add on to your problems, okay, I don’t need your pity or whatsoever. I know I don’t sing as well as the rest of you and I can’t rap well for goodness sake and I’m tired! Now even when I dance, I can’t do it well, I’m beginning to become a burden, I’m becoming useless.”

“Can’t you all see? I’m just a normal person. I’m just…”

“… I’m just Taemin.” He panted; his tears were already streaming down his cheeks again. Jinki was now back-hugging him, and the other three hyungs were already on their feet. “I’m so sorry.”

 

“Taeminnie…” Kibum was on the verge of crying as well.

“I’m sorry I’m not good enough.” Taemin was crying so hard he was shaking. “I’m trying, hyung, really.”

“I told myself I need to work harder but I m-make mistakes and I’m sorry I’m not g-good enough. I promise I’ll work harder and I will become better. But right now I’m just really, really t-tired, hyung.”

Jinki was now supporting Taemin’s weight as the maknae’s knees gave way. Kibum stepped forward and hugged the maknae.

 

“Listen to me, okay.” Key spoke, his voice quivery but stern. “You are the best maknae ever, Taemin. Don’t let those comments bring you down.”

“You are the best dancer in Shinee, Taemin-ah. If I could be anywhere near your level I’ll be so happy. And your parents are very, very proud of you Taeminnie. Your umma here is really proud of you as well.”

“You don’t have to rap or sing well, because you are amazing just as you are.” Minho added, taking Taemin’s arms. “I can never be as cute as you.”

“We love you, Taemin-ah.” Jonghyun was also joining the hug. “If you’re tired, confide in us. We can’t promise to make it better, but we can go through this together. We’re a team, a family, remember?”

 

“Taemin.” Jinki finally spoke, “Have you ever heard the saying, ‘those who minds shouldn’t matter and those who matters wouldn’t mind’?”

“We know how hard you push yourself, maknae. We know how you would always make sure to get the dance routines ahead of us just so you could teach us if we missed out. We know how you would always secretly stay behind to practice your dance steps even if that means reducing your sleeping hours. We know that sometimes you would purposely make a mistake or two on stage just so anyone of us who made a mistake before you felt better.”

“We don’t mind you being just Taemin.” Jinki rubbed Taemin’s side gently. “Because we don’t need some superhero perfect maknae. We only need you as our maknae and you’re fine just the way you are.”

The five of them hugged each other – Jonghyun and Kibum ended up crying as well. They whispered words of assurance and comfort, exchanged warm gazes and apology.

 

It’ll be all right this time.

 

Few hours later, Taemin was already snuggling next to Jinki in Jinki’s bedroom. The leader had allowed the maknae to sleep with him since the maknae said he didn’t want to be alone.

“Jinki hyung.”

“Hm?”

“Is it really okay?”

“What is okay?”

 

“Is it really fine?” Taemin bit his lip, eyes staring into Jinki’s pair of orbs, “That I’m just… me? Am I okay?”

“You are perfect.” Jinki gave a sincere smile. “I love you just fine.”

“Okay… Wait, what?” Taemin’s eyes widened.

 

“I said,” Jinki rolled over, positioning himself on top of Taemin, “I love you just fine.”

Taemin blushed five deep shades of red as Jinki leaned down to plant a kiss on his lips.

“Okay, hyung.” Taemin mumbled. “And I love you too.”

 

 

Those who mind, they don’t matter. Only you matter to me, Jinki hyung, because I love you.

Tomorrow will be a better day.