Week 4 - April 7, 2021

It had been three weeks since Minho had returned back home. In those three weeks that he’d been back, he felt there hadn’t been much progress with himself. Time was becoming the new enemy to him or perhaps it always had been. Subconsciously, this gave him slight anxiety and he hated it. What he also hated was the curiosity of what he had endured for the six months in North Korea. Sohee had asked finally one night before they went to sleep, but he didn’t answer. It was a combination of not wanting to and also because he just couldn’t bring himself to tell.

It was still a little chilly for what should’ve been the beginning of spring but the sun was out. The house was full and it made Minho uncomfortable for some reason. Sohee had the day off from work, Taemin had no classes, and Haneul’s school only had a half day. The usual day had changed from what Minho was used to, and it made him feel uneasy. He’d been accustomed to the house being kept to himself, even if most of the time he spent either trying to get some sleep, watching TV, or start new projects such as rearranging the dishes and glasses in the kitchen. 

Instead of the usual routine, Minho found himself walking with everyone to the park. This he could feel starting to trigger his anxiety. He hadn’t left the house since he’d been back, minus taking Haneul to school, so this was feeling completely foreign to him. He had already established that his safe place was home and now that he was away from it, his palms became clammy and his heart fluttered. 

Minho was startled at the light touch of Sohee’s hand as they walked. He immediately looked down and almost pulled away but realized that she had only reached for his hand to hold. He looked up at her and saw that she was hurt by his reaction. Taemin had been watching Haneul playfully run ahead of them but waited a safe distance before taking off again. However, when he looked over to Minho and Sohee, he saw the minor interaction they had, and frowned. He watched Sohee pull away and Minho said nothing. Taemin turned back to Haneul, pretending he didn’t see it. 

Once they finally reached the park, Haneul immediately grabbed Taemin's hand, leading him to the monkey bars. 

"Haneul-ah, you’re too small to play on that!” Taemin said while laughing but nonetheless, allowed his nephew to pull him in that direction. Of course, Haneul didn’t care, he was determined. Besides his round eyes that Haneul inherited from Minho, he also had the competitive spirit of his appa for sure. 

"No I’m not! Watch me, Taemin Samchon!” Haneul responded back, letting go of Taemin’s hand and ran to the monkey bars instead. 

Both Sohee and Minho had stopped at the entrance of the park while they watched both Taemin and Haneul run off to go play. As Sohee scanned around she saw that there were other parents with their children scattered throughout the park. Not too far off from the entrance sat on an unoccupied bench. Without saying much, Sohee walked in front of Minho and quietly sat where she could see Taemin help Haneul on the monkey bars.

Minho stuffed his hands into the pockets of his corduroy jacket while watching her and ultimately followed and took a seat beside her. He looked towards the park and saw his brother and son play. To most, it would’ve been seen as a nice gesture, but to Minho it made him slightly irritated.

"I'm glad that you decided to get out of the house.” Sohee’s voice came out so softly that even Minho was surprised he could hear her. 

He leaned back against the bench before looking over to her. Her face had the look of concern but also of defeat. He knew that lately the past week was also not one of the greatest ones, but more so he felt that ever since he’d been back, everything had been short of great. Minho simply nodded as a response to her and then looked off into the distance. 

Sohee was then suddenly clapping and cheering for Haneul who had completed the monkey bars. (Not without Taemin practically wanting to hold onto him every five seconds so he didn’t fall, of course.) Haneul smiled and ran towards his umma. 

"Umma! Umma! Did you see me?” He asked once he reached her and rested his palms on her knees. 

"Ne, I did see you! Good job, Haneul-ah!” Sohee said and reached forward to push his bangs off to the side. Haneul was ready to play some more and grabbed Sohee’s hand to lead her to the swings. 

Taemin came into view and he laughed as both Sohee and Haneul passed him up to go towards the swings. He looked ahead and saw that Minho remained sitting at the bench where Sohee had left him. He took a deep breath and allowed himself to walk towards the bench and finally sit down next to his brother. Minho didn’t even seem to acknowledge that Taemin was there and it felt awkward. Taemin looked down at his shoes for a moment before looking back up to see Sohee already pushing Haneul on one of the swings. He smiled at the sight, especially when Haneul kept telling Sohee to push him harder. 

"Taking a break already?” 

Taemin was caught off guard by Minho’s voice that he actually turned to face him. Minho was still staring off nowhere in particular and he finally moved his gaze towards Taemin. He wasn’t sure how to read his brother. His tone was stoic, and had been the past week. It was as if Minho was stuck in some sort of trance he couldn’t get out of. 

Finally, Taemin simply shrugged his shoulders. “Ne, he’s got a lot of energy today.” He said while forcing a smile. 

Minho didn’t say anything but blinked his eyes over to the swings. Haneul was pumping his small legs to go higher, a smile on his face as the wind tickled his cheeks and pushed back his jet black hair. 

"You should join them, hyung, I know that would make Sohee-noona happy.” Taemin started this time. 

Minho glanced back at Taemin and squinted his eyes slightly at him. It felt odd to him that Taemin would have insight in what Sohee would want or feel, it was almost threatening in a way. Taemin swallowed nervously as he noticed the look his brother had given him, one of mistrust it seemed. 

"Why? Did she tell you that?” Minho asked, which was what Taemin felt uncomfortable about. When he looked at Minho, he could tell that he was serious and wanted an answer. He bit his lip and shrugged his shoulders again. 

"Aniya, hyung. I just thought of it.” Taemin said in an honest tone. Minho continued to stare at his brother and Taemin rubbed his sweaty palms over his jean covered knees. 

There was something that just didn’t seem to sit well with Minho. He had noticed once he’d been back home how close Sohee and Taemin were. To anyone else, it didn’t look like anything out of the ordinary. But to Minho, it bothered him. The little inside jokes here and there. The fact that Sohee knew of Taemin’s small circle of friends. How Taemin seemed to know her favorite TV shows, sweets, or snacks. And just that there was a sense of comfort between them that they didn’t seem to be afraid to hide that made Minho suspicious.  

He chuckled at Taemin briefly. He looked down at the space between them before looking back up at him. 

"You look like you’ve done some growing up when I last saw you.” Minho said randomly. Taemin was taken aback by the sudden change of behavior. He could feel his cheeks flush and smiled a little. 

"Ne, of course, hyung.” Taemin replied, feeling that perhaps both of them were on some kind of mutual ground. The last few weeks had left Taemin feeling on edge practically all the time.

Minho almost had a smirk on his face as he looked back towards the playground. This time, Sohee stood off to the side of a tall, curvy slide, looking up. Minho followed her gaze at the top of the said slide, and though there wasn’t much to be seen, he waited to see what child would be coming down around the curve. 

"Sohee-ah is really great, isn’t she?” Minho suddenly asked, still looking at the slide.

Taemin looked puzzled and followed his brother’s gaze which did land on Sohee. He wasn’t sure what Minho meant about this question. He assumed if he had meant she’s a great person or a great umma, then he could agree that was a fair statement. He nodded his head in agreement, still with a small smile.

It was quiet between them until Minho looked back at Taemin again. 

"Did you her?”

The younger of the two immediately shot a glance over to his brother. His eyes were wide in shock. He couldn't believe that a question like that could even come from his brother. 

"Bwo? You’re kidding, right?” Taemin asked while surprising himself by chuckling out his question. It was so bizarre he didn’t even know how to respond. 

"I could understand if you did.” Minho said casually. Taemin’s mouth was practically hanging open. Clearly, he was speechless as Taemin couldn’t say anything. Minho leaned in towards him more and said in a low tone, “I could offer you my forgiveness.” 

Taemin didn’t know how else to react other than just being in shock. However, little did Minho know that his younger brother did regret something that had happened while he was gone. It was something that neither Taemin nor Sohee admitted to Minho since he’d been back. As soon as Taemin thought of it, he became uneasy and tried to hide it. Minho was still staring at him, waiting.

"Hyung, are you OK?” Taemin finally asked. He thought that it would be best to change the subject. To most it would be seen as a random question, but what people didn’t understand was the situation in which this family was in. 

Minho cringed inwardly at the question and leaned back. There was a deep part of Minho that did want to spill everything he’d been feeling, everything that he’d gone through, what he saw, and just overall everything. Minho hadn’t opened up about any of it and there was a reason why. He couldn’t bring himself to be vulnerable. 

Not to mention that Minho wasn’t a person to ask for help and by bearing his burdens on Sohee and Taemin, he would feel immense guilt. He didn’t want to feel that he couldn’t handle his problems or be someone else to take care of. That just wasn’t Choi Minho. 

"Ne, I’m OK. Why?” Minho finally managed to ask. Taemin actually thought for a second that Minho was about to open up but let down when his brother only gave him a small answer with another question. Taemin pushed his bangs back only for them to fall in front of his eyes. 

"You just seem very different now. You don’t really talk much anymore or rarely sleep… and when you do, you sleep for hours on end. You’re not the same anymore, hyung, and well, we’re worried about you.” Taemin explained the best he could, trying to not sound nervous. It all came out so quick and jumbled he would be surprised if Minho caught any of it. 

The older of the two shifted his eyes towards the park again. Haneul must have already gone down the slide as he was climbing on the other side of the jungle gym and Sohee stood not too far off, watching their son. There was a sudden flood of anxiety that came over Minho and the only way he was able to show it in a subtle way was by bouncing his leg. He looked back at Taemin, who was genuinely concerned. 

I can’t do this. I really can’t. Minho thought to himself but instead, to avoid any suspicion, he forced the best smile he could conjure. 

"But I’m OK, really. There’s no need to worry about me.” Minho chuckled as he lied. He stretched his arms over his head to relieve some of the stress. He could tell that Taemin wasn’t really buying it. Instead of panicking, he had to try a little harder. 

"Taemin-ah, being in the military, changes people. Did you really think that I’d be the same person going into the military as I would be coming out?” Minho asked dryly. To that, he knew that Taemin didn’t have an answer.

Or maybe he did. 

"But, hyung, that’s what I’m saying. What happened that made you change?” Taemin asked but he was basically pleading. 

Minho stared down at the ground this time. With both hands he pushed his hair back out of nerves and looked back at his brother. He shrugged at Taemin, looking as though he was at a loss for words himself. 

  *   *   *

"Gamsahabnida, this is all very wonderful.” Jinki said politely at the dinner table. 

"Yah, what do you have to be so formal for?” Taemin said while laughing. He knew how his friend wasn’t too fond of teasing but the other male simply shrugged his shoulders and smiled. 

"I offer my respect where it’s due,” Jinki responded back to Taemin almost coyly. 

It was finally dinner time and Taemin had invited Jinki over earlier to help him study after they all had come home from the park. As always, being a good and helpful person and friend that Jinki was, he was available to do so.

Sohee smiled back at Jinki as she thanked him. Jinki shot a smirk at Taemin, who responded by rolling his eyes, jokingly. 

As Minho ate, he was quiet. It seemed as though he was in his own world, and to an extent, he was. He kept thinking about today. Just the simple act of going to the park had actually made him tired. Even though he watched Haneul a few times by standing off to the side, he didn’t exactly join his son on the playground. It had mostly been Taemin to save the day for Haneul to keep him happy and entertained, since his appa didn’t seem emotionally available today. At the same time, he was also observing everyone’s interactions the best that he could to distract himself from his thoughts that constantly plagued him. He hoped by doing this would help him become somewhat involved.

"What were you going to school for again, Jinki?” Sohee asked. 

The other male’s pale cheeks became a sudden flush of pink but managed to play it off. “Oh, umm, bio-engineering.” He replied while adjusting his glasses. 

Sohee raised her eyebrows in surprise whilst saying how interesting. Taemin felt a little uneasy as he picked at his plate. He never liked bringing up the subject of school since it only brought back the mistakes he made during his first year. Even though it was all behind him, it was still a constant reminder that he could’ve graduated on time if he hadn’t fooled around. 

As Sohee asked Jinki more about what bio-engineering was, Taemin slowly looked up at Minho sitting across from him. Surprisingly enough, it looked as though his brother was actually listening to the conversation. But as quickly as Minho seemed interested, he turned back to his plate and caught Taemin’s stare.

"... It is a lot of studying human anatomy for sure. Sometimes I spend hours in the library. They already know me by name there!”

"Waa, I’m sure your umma and appa are very proud!”

"Ne, they keep asking me when I can graduate so I can go get started at the research hospitals.” 

Between Sohee and Jinki’s conversation, Taemin could see that Minho looked at him with disappointment. Knowing this, Taemin finally broke away from looking at Minho and back down to his plate. 

"Human… ant-omy?” Hanuel repeated back to Jinki in confusion. The young man laughed quietly and shook his head. 

"Aniyo, human anatomy. I study the inside of the body, Haneul-ah.” He responded with a bright smile. It was obvious that Jinki liked to tell people what he was studying at school, but only if they asked. Jinki didn’t like to boast or show off his intelligence, no matter how much his parents griped at him that he should do it more so people would recognize him. However, that wasn’t the young man’s prerogative. 

Minho had been listening even if it looked as though he wasn’t. There were things that were just better left unsaid between him and Taemin when it came to school. He could recall vividly that year he found out Taemin had messed up royally. Though he knew Taemin truly regretted it, Minho hated knowing that after all the time he’d spent looking out for him, that he’d toss out his efforts like they were nothing. 

"Uh… Minho-ssi?” 

The voice that reached his ears broke the man’s deep thought. He blinked once before looking around the table to see that everyone besides Taemin had been staring at him. Minho suddenly felt uncomfortable and it showed. 

"Oh, mianhaeyo, I was just asking how civilian life has been for you?” Jinki asked in a friendly tone. 

Minho gave him a blank stare. It wasn’t that it was a loaded question to answer but how to answer was the key element. He glanced over to Taemin who immediately looked back at him, nervous. When he looked over to Sohee, her face was etched with concern. Even Hanuel was perked up in his seat out of curiosity. These were the elements that would make it difficult for him to answer, along with everything else swarming in his head. 

"It's been good.” Minho answered finally but he knew he was lying. He felt uneasy suddenly and felt the need to leave. 

"Excuse me.” Was all Minho said as he stood up abruptly before turning away and walking out of the kitchen. 

The awkwardness filled the room immediately. Taemin shifted his eyes over to Sohee, who was more or less embarrassed by his brother’s behavior. Instantly, Taemin felt bad and wished that in that moment he could comfort her but he couldn’t. Not with everyone there and watching.  

"Mianhaeyo, I didn’t mean to intrude.” Jinki said quickly to both Taemin and Sohee. 

With a heavy sigh, Taemin shook his head. “Don’t worry about it, it’s not your fault.” When he looked over at Jinki, he could see that he still felt a little awkward.  

"When it comes to talking about the military, it’s not so easy with him.” Taemin explained. 

As the “adults” began to talk about Minho’s attitude since he’d been back, Haneul had remained quiet the entire time. Mostly since he’d been winded from playing at the park and even after a good nap he was still tuckered out. When his appa left the table, he silently watched him walk to the direction of the bathroom. 

Without saying a word, Haneul quietly got down from his chair. He didn’t think anyone would see him and it seemed that no one did if he didn’t get called back. There was no harm in this in his five year old mind. Haneul left the kitchen, passed the living room and went to the bathroom where he suspected his appa to be.

For five years old, his suspicions were correct.

The light had been on and the door was only shut half way. Through the opening, Haneul could see his appa had been sitting on the lid of the toilet. His elbows rested on his knees while holding his head in his hands. Curious, he pushed the door open more and stepped in. 

Minho, on the other hand, was riddled with his thoughts. At the table he felt like he was being interrogated, like he had been many months ago. He remembered when he didn’t answer right away or didn’t have the answer they wanted, it was always painful. He’d been punched, kicked, beaten, and they shouted at him. Then tortured him. He even recalled having a gun pointed in his face with his life being threatened. It was a lot for him to digest even after all this time. 

Minho hadn’t even heard Haneul come into the bathroom as he sat there. He took in a deep breath in an attempt to calm his mind. When he lifted his head, his hands slid down his face only to cup around his nose and mouth. It was then in his peripheral vision he caught sight of Haneul. 

The boy tilted his head at his appa, curious at his demeanor. He decided to walk into the bathroom fully and sat down in the small space between the bathroom wall and in front of his appa. Haneul looked up at him and without hesitation, raised his hands to cover his nose and mouth in the same fashion. 

Minho watched his son curiously. It always amazed him how different Haneul was compared to himself as a child. He was carefree, happy, silly (most of the time,) but above all, very warm. If Minho had to describe himself at five he was the total opposite. He wasn’t happy and very detached. If he had to be silly, he only was with Taemin to make him smile instead of hearing the crying all the time. Minho was cold and shut off from the world, whereas Haneul was open to everything. 

As he watched him, Minho dropped his hands from his face and instead rested his chin in his palm. Haneul did the same motion. Minho was amused and felt himself ease up. He moved his hands in front of his face but this time he covered his eyes. Through his fingers he saw Haneul put his hands over his own eyes. He felt himself start to smile.

It had now turned into an odd game of peek-a-boo between father and son. Haneul giggled with his eyes covered and Minho found it a perfect opportunity to reach forward and tickle him. The giggles turned into high pitched laughter that echoed off the bathroom walls. When Minho leaned back to stop tickling him, the young boy moved closer and sat up so that he rested his elbows on his appa’s knees. 

"Are you OK, appa?” Haneul asked innocently. 

Minho blinked once, as he was a little surprised that his son would ask him such a question. He assumed that Haneul must have heard either Taemin or Sohee ask him before. 

"Ne, I’m OK.” Minho answered with a soft smile. “What about you? Are you OK?”

Haneul nodded his head for his answer. Minho leaned forward and kissed the crown of his son’s head. When he pulled back, Haneul tilted his head at him. 

"Appa, you’re like Captain America.” Haneul said randomly. Minho looked at him puzzled. 

"Bwo? I am? But I don’t have super powers, Haneul-ah.” Minho said as he chuckled softly at his son’s random idea. Haneul reached for his appa’s hands to playfully compare the sizes. 

"Ne I know, appa. But you’re like Captain America because he came back after a long time and you came back. And he was called a Winter Soldier and you’re a soldier too.” Haneul explained while tracing the lines on Minho’s palm. 

Minho smiled at Haneul’s rationale. It was more or less endearing to him that his son would picture him that way. 

"Ne, you’re right. But I’m not a superhero either. You forgot about that.” Minho pointed out. As soon as he said that, Haneul looked up at his appa. His soft, round eyes were like looking into a mirror for Minho.

"You’re a superhero to me, appa.” Haneul answered happily.

Minho felt his heart skip a beat. It almost became hard to breathe with the lump that formed in his throat. Haneul went back to tracing the lines on Minho’s palms. He didn’t know what to say other than that his heart felt full. He hadn’t known if his heart was capable of feeling that way until now.

With the overwhelming feelings he had, Minho couldn’t help but reach forward and pick Haneul up to straddle his lap. He held him close in a hug. Haneul’s little arms wrapped around his appa, since if you’re being hugged, you ought to give a hug back. 

In the embrace, Haneul’s cheek pressed up against his appa’s chest. He could hear the comforting sound of appa’s heart beat. Minho had his arms securely wrapped around the boy’s frame. He hated crying and he knew he had to hide it in front of his son. Minho could feel his eyes brim with warm tears but he didn’t dare let them fall.

Deep down, Minho didn’t feel like he was a superhero or even just a regular war hero at that. There were a lot of things that Minho didn’t feel and mostly didn’t want to feel. If anything, he wished that he had no feelings at all.

A/N: Hey all! I really appreciate the response on the two flashback chapters! Now we have some foundations to poor Minho and Taemin-ah TT

Also, I know this chapter was somewhat "eh" so I'm sorry if it's totally underwhelming. It was underwhelming for me too, ngl. I just really love Minho and Haneul, father/son moments. TT (I guess because I've been deprived of my own father so rip lmao)

ANYWAY, the little bathroom scene was inspired from Jaws (of all movies, right?! This scene always stuck to me as a kid when I watched it thru my "horror movie" phase lol) And this chapter was inspired from this scene in Brothers (and pretty much this story is inspired from the film ^^;) Plus who doesn't like military Ming? (This is how I picture his hair for the story) and of course, you best believe I'm using Yoogeun as Haneul because why not? lol we all believed he was Minho's kid at one point, right? :P 

Depending on where you are in the time zone, Taemin's MV for Advice is being released pretty soon! So let's support him the best we can! [: Tomorrow will make it one more week until the SHINee party via V-LIVE so y'all might not get an update from me ^^; 

AND today marks it 6 years since we all were blessed with VIEW! Go listen and get some summertime vibes~~ 

Thanks for everything ya lovelies :) 

-M