Word from me. 

From Moon Byul Yi.

 

 

Someone once told me, people fall in love only three times in whole lifetime.

 

First time is about love that looks right. The love which happens in our young life’s, mostly in high school. First serious crush on someone. First feelings toward other person. A fairy tale about which we read stories as kids.

 

That’s love which we believe it’s how it was supposed to look like. 

 

Second love is hard one. The one that teaches us how it really looks like. Making choices, decisions. The path through lies, pain or manipulation. The circle we repeat with hopes that maybe next time it would end differently. The love which hurts.

 

That’s love that we wished was right.

 

Third one is love that lasts. The love we never see coming. Comes so easy that doesn’t seem possible. We already know who we are and we go with the flow. We come together and it just fits.

 

The love that just feels right.

 

 

 

And these are my three notes about each one of loves I’ve experienced.

 

 

 

Note 1.

 

Wheein. When we were sixteen.

 

We were in same high school, but in different classes. I was in music class, while Wheein was in art class. Our beginning was rough. She did nothing wrong, but I still hated her.

 

Before high school has started, I used to have small bunch of friends. I was close with them, really close. I literally had no one beside them. We spent our childhood together. Apparently they all chose art classes, so we were separated after couple years of being in one group.

 

I wasn’t worried, I was absolutely sure that it wouldn’t change anything between us.

 

But I was wrong.

 

After couple months they forgot about me. My group of friends starter to go out without me, even if I asked them about meeting. If I invited them to come over after school, they always had some ridiculous excuses.

 

I gave up, but it didn’t mean that I would give up on hating Wheein.

 

I did start hate Wheein because she was the one who took my place since first day of first year in our high school. My friends started to go out with her, our things became her things. Our meetings became her meetings.

 

I wasn’t the part of the group anymore, but Wheein took my place. The way how my friends used to treat me, they started to treat her.

 

After one year, when we were sixteen, there was school project trip, all classes were supposed to go. We had in our schedule some psychology activities, which were supposed to help us all to get ourselves and each other know better. Teachers managed to split us all into the small groups. Mixed between classes.

 

I can clearly remember how disappointed and mad I was when I heard that I was chosen to one group with Wheein and three boys.

 

I wished it could be anybody. We had sixty people in total on this trip, and my unlucky was supposed to end up with Wheein.

 

First day was absolutely a disaster. Not even any single person was feeling comfortable in our group. We all wished to be somewhere else, with someone else. 

 

I was (still am) closed up person and when teacher told us to say something about ourselves, I stopped cooperating. I couldn’t even dare to look at Wheein. 

 

And she knew that. She knew very well how much I hated her and why was it like that. 

 

So she decided not to stand on my way, she avoided me at all her costs.

 

On second day was less tension in air. People were tired and psychically exhausted, we all gave in. When teachers asked us to do something, we did that. We all just wanted to get through it and go back home.

 

And when teacher asked us to say something about our families, I stopped cooperating again. My family - that’s the topic I hate. My brother hurt me, too much. My parents were separated, so close to having divorce, because of my dad. Also my dad wasn’t handling with own feelings well. He used to express it all on me. There were multiple times when he hit me.

 

But Wheein did the opposite. She answered the question.

 

And she told our group of five people how her mother was abusing her psychically. How she found it hard to be at home when her older brother wasn’t there to protect her.

 

I saw her opening up to the group. Opening up to me. She was aware that I hated her, she was aware of opinion I had about her. And still she found the courage to open up.

 

That day something inside me clicked.

 

I understood her.

 

And I started to regret all these moments when I was rude and mean to her for no reason. I was an for whole year for something she didn’t have control over. I was a monster for her because of what my friends did. 

 

In that moment I realised that I just acted in the same way as my dad used to. I expressed my frustration and pain on Wheein, while she was innocent.

 

After how we left room I asked her if we can talk. She agreed, I know that she was scared, but she still said yes to me.

 

And it was my first time in my life when I apologised someone for own behaviour. I apologised her for what I’ve said to her in past.

 

I said sorry for being who i was.

 

Wheein only smiled and said that it was okay, that she understands. She said that if not our hate-relationship, we could be friends.

 

And I wanted to be friends with her.

 

When trip was over after five days, my whole attitude has changed. I started to be nice for people. I started to be nice for Wheein. She did nothing wrong, she wasn’t that bad. I even forgave my old friends leaving me, but I still wasn’t hanging out with them.

 

Wheein asked me once if i want to go to the cinema with her. I said yes, because we became friends. I wanted to spend more and more time with her.

 

I didn’t understand why i felt something in my stomach when she hugged me, why i was blushing when she held my hand. I didn’t understand why i wanted to feel her lips on my own.

 

First time together in cinema helped me to realise that i started to like Wheein. Not as friend.

 

I started to catch feelings for her. And deep inside i knew it was mutual.

 

Not after long time later, we were a couple. We were dating. But it wasn’t as colourful as I thought it would be. Wheein wasn’t out of closet yet. Her family didn’t know that she was a lesbian. Her mother wouldn’t like that, so Wheein was hiding us.

 

Our dates weren’t a dates actually. We were in the city, restaurants, cinemas, walks in the park as friends. We were walking on school’s corridors as friends. If anyone asked if we were together, she denied every single time. Even lied to her own friends, who used to be my friends to.

 

After one year of being together i got tired with all this hiding. My first kiss was inside of school bathroom. Every another kiss i had, was also in the bathroom. I wished i could go out with her and hold her hands, i wished i could kiss her whenever i wanted to. I wished i could tell my friends “yes, Wheein and i are together.”

 

But that day never came.

 

Wheein kept telling me “i will tell my mother next week, i promise. After that we can be in public together okay?” And i was okay with that. Because she made a promise.

 

But the next week she said the same thing, and again and again. Her weeks lasted another one year.

 

Two years being in secret relationship really exhausted me. I was done with playing hide and seek. Even if i loved her, i was tired by all of this. I was so done.

 

And i told her that I’m done. I couldn’t live like that any longer.

 

She didn’t take it well. She was so desperate to have me by her side that much that she started to kiss me. I didn’t want to kiss her back and i tried to push her away. I needed space. At least for a while. I needed short break.

 

A moment for me to focus on me, i wanted to be happy again. I wasn’t happy for longer than year. I needed to focus on my hobbies, on my new friends, on my basketball team. I didn’t’t want to think whole days about going to the bathroom just to meet own girlfriend and kiss her on the toilet. I didn’t want to feel like I was living that bathroom.

 

But she kept kissing me. When i asked her to stop, she pushed me to the wall and forced me to stay still. Tears were leaving her eyes and her salt kisses started to be rough. Wheein managed to hold my hands in that way so i couldn’t even move.

 

Her tears started to mix with my own. I was scared. I didn’t want to be there anymore. I just wanted to free myself and leave that ing bathroom. Leave it, and Wheein behind.

 

She was so desperate that she did the same thing my brother did to me. Until today i am feeling so disgusted with own body. Until today i can’t accent anyone’s touch.

 

Until today i am wearing the scars Wheein left on me.

 

My first love was supposed to look like fairy tale one, but it didn’t. My two years of loving Wheein turned into hide and seek play game with really hurtful final. 

 

 

Note 2.

 

Hwasa. When I was eighteen.

 

It took me two years to heal my wounds on my heart left by Wheein. I found it really hard to trust anyone.

 

I had only one friend, Seulgi. We knew each other since we were ten years old. We never went to same school or class. Our parents were friends and somehow me and Seulgi had same interest to the music.

 

She knew my story with Wheein, she didn’t judge me. She actually tried to help me to get through this. After breaking up with wheein i just cut off. I changed my English and Spanish classes teachers to not be in same group with Wheein. On our prom i was with my classmate Minho. He helped me a lot too.

 

Minho was my only friend i found in high school, she had same classed with me. Every time when he saw Wheein walking closer to me, he showed up and made sure that she won’t disturb my peace. He also knew what happened. He saw how i was scared of touch, how i flinched every single time he accidentally touched me.

 

Minho and Seulgi knew each other too, they were neighbours. Until now we are hanging out in three of us. I found real friends.

 

They both knew that i has changed. I wasn’t the same person as i used to be. My trauma made me want to be in control all the time. I became typical girl. I was making out with random girls in different places. I was the one who decided if we were going to make out or no. I was the one who started the game and ended it. 

 

But i have never ever forced anyone into anything.

 

I didn’t know why, but girls found me being very attractive, and almost every girl had crush on me. And i was feeling good with this. I loved that feeling of being in charge, being the top one. I knew my own limits, and i could stop it whenever i wanted to. 

 

But it was only making out, i have never moved more forward. That was my limit. Having meant being touched. I didn’t want that. I hated touch.

 

I was not afraid of touch anymore, but i hated it.

 

Once i met in the club a girl, Hani, she was nice to chat with. Once she suggested me friends with benefits relationship. She noticed how i was making sure that no one would touch me, so she suggested our deal to be on my rules.

 

And it worked for me. We had two rules.

 

One - she touched me only when i let her. Two - feelings are not allowed, she couldn’t fall in love with me.

 

I didn’t want love or any relationship.

 

During summer break, when i was eighteen, me and Hani went on music festival. We had a lot of concerts to watch.

 

I noticed that something was different. She started to act clingy, she was never like that before. She started to feel need to be close to me. She wanted to hold my hands.

 

It disturbed my personal space and i got easily annoyed. She started to touch me with out any permission. Even if it was single try to hold my hand or hug me, it was too much for me.

 

My mood was bad, really bad. I got furious and mad. I stopped talking, but i was still stuck with her. I wouldn’t leave her in crowd of strangers all alone. I had to survive this.

 

We were waiting in silence for wonder girls to performance, I didn’t want to talk. Suddenly she said that her friends are joining us to this concert. I ignored her statement.

 

I just wanted to have some space, some peace and silence. But she was still trying to get my attention which was making everything worse.

 

I was so close to blowing up on her, but then her two friends joined us. One was blonde, I didn’t even look at that one. Other one had long black hair and the most beautiful smile on her face. The smile was complete opposite of her eyes.

 

I have never ever seen such a sad eyes on other person. They had so much pain inside. 

 

I saw eyes like hers only in the mirror. And now i saw them on new met girl.

 

Somehow i calmed down and i was able to breath properly. I saw how new girl was a little big scared of me. I can remember how Hani introduced us. New girl said that i was looking like my eyes could kill her in any second.

 

That’s how i met Hwasa.

 

After the performance i took her phone number. I wasn’t talkative for whole night, but i was sure that i want to meet this girl again.

 

Of course i forgot to text her later.

 

After three months i accidentally met her in shopping mall. I walked to her and said hi. Starting conversation with her was so easy, it was like we understood each other too well. We hanged out for the rest of that day. Most of topics were about music, she played on piano and guitar.

 

After that day we started to talk everyday, we were meeting almost everyday. She found out that i was girl, but i didn’t want to have the same with her. I cared about her, i cared about time we spent together.

 

She told me how she wants to be in relationship with someone loyal, helpful, someone who could understand what she’ going through.

 

And her whole description of perfect girlfriend sounded like me. The me who was hidden under the mask.

 

I stopped making out with people, i stopped all my friends with benefits deals. I was becoming a human again. A living person who has feelings and think about other people too.

 

Seulgi and Minho noticed the change of my behaviour, and they were happy that after two years i have finally managed to get my together in one piece. I’ve finally moved on and i was finally free. I let my past be the past. I let my dark ghosts go.

 

Wheein and scars she left on my heart were past. I was finally ready for a new chapter in my life.

 

And Hwasa noticed that too. She saw how much I’ve started to change. She started to trust me. We become even closer to each other.

 

One day she was ready to open up, she let me inside to her life. She confessed that she likes me.

 

But I didn’t say it back, because i somewhere deep inside i had feelings that it wouldn’t last. I didn’t want to throw words on the wind. I didn’t want the moment to pass.

 

We were still close, we fell in love. But either of us didn’t do any first step. We both were patient, we didn’t rush anything. I wanted to do everything in right way.

 

And then i had huge birthday party on 22nd December. It were my eighteens birthday. I made party with DJ playing in my house, i had bartender and seventy guests showed up. Hwasa was there too.

 

I was having a great time, i was actually enjoying my time with my closest friends and Hwasa. Also having some conversations with old friends that i haven’t seen for a while. Everything was good until Hwasa got herself too drunk, she was rarely standing on her foot. 

 

I was the one who had to take care over her, i took her to my bedroom and lied her on my bed. I left bottle of water next to the bed and let sleep for a while.

 

After three hours she woke up and came back downstairs to the party, she was much more sober than before. We had fun for couple more hours, until my guests started to leave at 4am. Hwasa was staying over for the night. Somehow my drunk confessed to her after two months.

 

I kissed her, she kissed me back.

 

But when we moved apart she shook her head with sad eyes and whispered “you’ll regret having me in your life.”

 

And i didn’t understand that yet. I was saying in my mind that i would never regret falling for her. I was all ready to be there for her.

 

And the day after, when we both woke up, i found out that hwasa was in relationship. She was in relationship with someone else for a month already.

 

I was too late.

 

That broke me into a pieces. I felt like a . I didn’t understand why was she holding my hands all this time, saying things she did say. Why did she give me hopes up, while she knew that it wouldn’t work out anyway?

 

I disappeared for a month. I left city, i just left my friends, my family and Hwasa without any word for a month. I needed to escape. I’ve build up my walls again, put new mask on. The stronger one.

 

When i was ready i came back to Seoul. 

 

After coming home i found Hwasa waiting on my porch, she apologised me. She asked me to be friends.

 

Even if I’ve had walls around my heart, even if I’ve had new mask on, even if I’ve been still hurting... i still let her in.

 

I forgave her.

 

Rebuilding our friendship took a while. I needed Hwasa to prove me that i can trust her again. She spent a lot of nights with me on talking about our pasts, about our families. I’ve opened up to her and told her about my father. Not that long time later she told me her own story too.

 

We had so much in common. We’ve experiences same things in our life’s. We’ve suffered a lot. And only us two could understand each other. We were close again. My walls started to crack. I wasn’t able to hold back my heart, my feelings for her were back, but a lot stronger.

 

We kissed again.

 

She held my hand, she cuddled to my side in the sleep. Once when we flirted it started to sound serious. She told me that she still has feelings for me.

 

I started to fight for us. I wanted to have us.

 

We were almost a couple, but after two next months i saw her flirting with other girl. I asked her what was that about. She didn’t deny anything. Actually she said that she wants to have a shot with her.

 

I felt my heart crushing into a million pieces.

 

I asked her “why can’t you chose me?”

 

But I wasn’t ready to hear the answer. It broke me even much more. She said that she’s afraid of being with me. Because we are good ad friends, almost perfect. Being my girlfriend would break our friendship, it would scratch our surface. Even if she loves me, she can’t risk loosing her best friend.

 

And i understood.

 

I left again. This time for a year. She didn’t chase me, again. She was aware of how much she hurt me, she let me go. Because if you love someone, you would let them go.

 

I needed to move on. I knew that i would let her in to my heart million times, because i loved her too much. I was hoping that maybe this time it would end different. If i wanted to go back, i needed to move on. I needed to be sure that i want be crashed again.

 

I have never regretted having her in my life.

 

When i came back me and Hwasa accidentally met on the street. We talked. We were okay, we’ve decided to be friends. Nothing more. We both has changed, we were different people after a year. We’ve grown up.

 

This love crushed me into pieces, it hurt the most. I wished that love was right, because me and Hwasa were perfect for each other. We understood ourselves the way no one else could.

 

 

 

Note 3.

 

Yongsun. When we were adult.

 

I was still friends with Hwasa, Seulgi and Minho. Everything worked out perfectly. I’ve found my own path in my life.

 

Back in that time i was studying psychology on university. Also i had a stable job in small company, as accountant. I could say, that i was finally enjoying my life.

 

One day Minho came over to my university on his own break between lectures and we both decided to go on coffee to nearest cafeteria. We randomly chose one of the fanciest in the area.

 

When we came inside i saw pretty bartender with cute smile. I saw her dimples and the way how she was talking to customers. Minho ordered simple black coffee with milk, while I’ve decided to have caramel latte macchiato.

 

Pretty bartender laughed that no one drinks that coffee, even if caramel latte is in their menu for years. I’ve admitted to her that i love sweet coffee.

 

She told me that coffee is like art. She could say a lot about people based on coffee they’ve ordered. I’ve asked her teasingly what she would say about me after how i ordered coffee that no one else drinks.

 

Her response was “come again other day, maybe i will tell you.”

 

Minho was teasing me for days about it. Seulgi joined to him with jokes when she found our that i did come again to that cafeteria again. Somehow i was at that cafeteria couple times a week. On my every longer break between my lectures i was going there to study.

 

One day bartender came to my table and sat next to me and said that after caramel latte she knew that i am caring person, light-headed and telling a lot of jokes. Making everyone feel better, helping other people but in the same forgetting about own self on purpose. Being there for other people is an excuse to not worry about own stuff.

 

And she was right.

 

After that we started to talk about universities and our studies. She was studying sociology and working in this cafeteria. She left her family home when she was seventeen and moved here having nothing.

 

I was amazed by her independence, her mature personality. She knew what she was standing on, she knew what she wants to receive in her life. Her goals were all planned.

 

She asked me if i can come after her shift ends, so we could go on a walk.

 

And i came after her shift ended. Me and Yongsun went for a walk on the beach. We spent almost whole night by walking on sand, letting our feet to touch the sea.

 

We didn’t have that much in common as i had with other of my friends, but it was okay. We were getting along and we completed each other.

 

I’ve drove her back to her apartment. Before she left my car, i asked her out. Couple days later we went on our first date. I took her to my own restaurant I’ve opened year before, after dinner i took her to art museum. In some way we loved art. Th way how you can interpret painting and think about what the artist was probably feeling in that moment when the art was made.

 

She introduced me to her friends, I’ve introduced her to Seulgi, Minho and Hwasa. All my friends loved her, even if Yong didn’t like Hwasa. But they were okay. Hwasa understood, Yong was still friendly and didn’t make any big deal out of it.

 

Not that long time later we were together. 

 

It was easy to fall for her. For the first time in my life i wasn’t scared of anything. I knew it was right, it was how it’s supposed to be.

 

Her mother loved me, she wasn’t even mad that we made matching tattoos. My mom loved Yongsun too. She kept asking when we would visit her again so she could cook Yong’s favourite soup.

 

Yongsun loved watching me while i played on guitar for her. I’ve even wrote a song for her. She made me my caramel latte coffee everyday.

 

My trauma about touch stopped matter, I’ve trusted Yong. I had nothing to worry about. 

 

We were perfect couple. I was happy.

 

But then Hwasa had an accident, she was in hospital rarely alive. Yong told me to go to her, she knew that i needed that. So i rushed to the hospital. In the same time Yong left for a party with her colleagues from work. I’ve told her not to wait fo me, I’ve told her to have some fun.

 

Hwasa woke up after couple hours, she was going to make through it. She thanked me for coming, she had no one else beside me, because her family didn’t care about the accident. They didn’t even call to ask her how was she feeling. It made me upset but I couldn’t do anything with it.

 

I came home to Yong, but she wasn’t there yet. One of her colleagues drove her home and her serious face signalised me that something has happened.

 

Yong was sleeping in bedroom, while her colleague told me what happened. She lost Yong for a while and found her unconscious in the bathroom. She didnt’t know if it was because of alcohol or something else.

 

I knew that Yong would never take any drugs, so i was worried.

 

By the next day Yong started to act strange. She wasn’t talking at all, her always talkative side was gone. Also she was keeping distance between us, she didn’t want to be touched.

 

And then i knew what happened. I figured out.

 

One man put drugs into her drink, she lost consciousness and man dragged her to the bathroom. He used her and left her lying on the floor. And Yong told her about that couple weeks later, when things in our relationship started to get break.

 

I tried to be there for her, I understood what she got through. I didn’t rush anything, i was patient. I gave her space and waited for permission every time i was close to her.

 

Our end has started from sleeping in separate rooms, because Yong was too scared of sleeping by my side. She trusted me, but the trauma was still with her, she had nightmares with that incident.

 

Later she asked me if we can live separately. We broke up.

 

We are still in touch, we talk sometimes. I come to her cafeteria once in two months to buy caramel coffee. Just to check up on her. I was waiting, i know how hard it is. I am ready to wait months, even years for her.

 

I still love her, she still loves me. We’ve talked about it.

 

But she said that she’s not ready for anything more until she solves her problems. She needs to move on before she will be able to be in relationship again.

 

Two years passed and she told me not to wait.

 

I still come over for coffee, but I’m not waiting anymore.

 

She would call me when she’s ready. Maybe if we both are single, maybe we will be together again. If fate is on our side, we will find our way.

 

 

My third love was easy, it felt right.

 

 

And if that statement that people fall in love only three times in lifetime is right, I’m afraid that i used my all chances.

 

But i don’t regret any of them.