Thoughts at a Late Night

One Shot | Jaejoong POV | Non-AU

Many times a day I am infested by thoughts that wear me down. I try to show the best of myself to everyone, and I try to overcome the challenges thrown at me. You see, a person has two sides – the bad and the good – the one you cannot show to others, and the one you must show to others to be loved. The more I erase the “bad” and push myself to be “good,” the more I become a stranger to myself. Who is it really that people love when I cannot even show all the nicks and taints on my being?

I am snapped off my thoughts when he catches my sight. His almond eyes softened immediately. What was I thinking of again? Ah! The corners of his mouth curved upwards into a smile and his eyes concaved into moons. Suddenly, I am back to the present – climbing onto a van guided by his smile.

Only he could do this to me. Only he could dispel my worries instantly.

The other remedy to my jumbled mind could only be from a sea of people, lights and loud screams, “Jaejoong! Jaejoong!” In front of the stage is where I feel I belong. It’s where I feel most loved and forgiven for all my mistakes and shortcomings. It’s a magical moment really, and I’d feel a churning in my stomach whenever a concert ends. After a long day and the magic has dissipated, I’d find myself lying in my own bed, surrounded by silence.

Like that, there is nothing that could be lonelier.

I’d remember that people love me… But only to a point… They love me only when I become who they want me to be. That’s the hardest truth to digest and it makes me want to cry… After going through many events in my life, I realized that my one wish is to be loved deeply and to know that I am enough.

I hear a creaking sound on the bed and arms were suddenly wrapped around my torso. A warmth spreads on my back. “Hey, Jaejoong.”

“Nn…Yunho?” I grunt and neither welcome nor reject him barging in.

“Want to go down and eat?" His rich voice rings close to my ear.

“It’s alright. I’m not hungry. And I’m a bit tired.”

“Are you feeling okay?” He always comes when I’m lonely like he has a radar to my moods. I can’t help but think that he always knows what I’m feeling.

“Hey, Jaejoong… Jaejoong-ee?” Sometimes he’d use his child-like voice to get me to talk. It’s not obvious to others because Yunho is stern on TV but he’s actually playful. Opposite of me who can get crazy in front of a camera when I’m usually more behaved.

“Yep, I’m fine, Yunho-ah... Just need some sleep.” No one needs to hear the thoughts tumbling in the recesses of my mind. Even I get sick listening to my depressing self.

“That’s good you’re fine! Then I’ll sleep right here.” He said while burying his head on my back and the warmth spreads further, enveloping me.

Does he know? Doesn’t he know? I don’t ask anymore, because with his hug, the turbulence in my heart has calmed down and after a while, I fall asleep.

Being in love with Yunho can be painful. Over the years, there were a lot of women who’d fall for his charms and handsomeness. There must have been a third… no, fourth time I walked out of a room while we were eating and drinking with others. He’d tell me that meeting producers and fellow artists were only for work and for our image. He can say that because he doesn’t see himself change into a dedicated pristine idol in a split-second.

It’s annoying. Him being different is annoying. And the looks shot by the girl beside him is annoying. He’d say I shouldn’t be riled about nothing but I know what admiration looks in someone’s eyes. I can notice the glow and the spark that they send his way. She wants his attention and I know that he revels in it.

It’s painful that… when I think I have him right by my side, he’d change into someone else. The Yunho I know… The Yunho who could tell how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking with just a look is suddenly gone. What’s left is a perfect idol too good to acknowledge my dirty feelings.

Once back in the dorm, he’d chosen a room where we could be alone. Sometimes, he would start asking. Sometimes, it was me who would provoke him.

“That was a fun meeting,” I commented while removing some imaginary dirt on my hand.

“Yup, it went well, but you were gone for some time.”

“You should see them more often. Who knows what else might develop aside from work.”

I hear him saying “Ah, I thought so” like he simply understood how I felt, so I kept hurling words at him.

“Who knows, you could finally get a girlfriend-”

“Jaejoong…” Suddenly, he wraps himself around me because he knows his hug is my weakness and I can’t deny that. He gives out a cheerful giggle and even if I wanted to stay mad, I soften in his arms and stay there. “Why would I do that?” He says.

“She keeps looking at you with a sparkle in her eyes. She wants you to notice her…”

“I’d be with everyone who does that?” He asks and I wanted to say that he did it to me. I wanted his attention at first and he showered me with it. Because he is too kind and generous of a person to make anyone feel bad. What prevents him from reciprocating other’s feelings?

“You don’t need to be mad. Do you know how much I love you?” He squeezes me and I am back trapped in the world he wanted me to see. With my silence, he says, “You don’t.”

“You think I’m stupid?”

“I think my love is so great that you can’t understand it.”

He struck me with an arrow. His words start to make me happy but I didn’t want to show it. “Yunho… Sometimes, I don’t think I know you… Because you put up a front, and… that’s not the Yunho I know.” Looking back, I crumbled at the possibility that among all of his facades, there was a Yunho that didn’t love me. How terrifying that was to imagine.

He let go of his hold and turned quiet. Facing the floor, he tried to scramble for words. Not that he hadn’t grasped what I was on to, but he didn’t know yet how to explain himself. He then looked at me and clamped his lips together. “Honestly… I try so hard.” His mouth was fidgeting. “I try to have everything in control. Weakness is something I don’t want to show anyone... and to our group.” Yet here he was looking vulnerable. “I’m afraid… When I’m with you, Jaejoong… I keep forgetting that we’re in front of the world for everyone to see. And they’ll see how clumsy I am or how childish I can be.” He said with a troubled look. “I don’t want people to think that I’m not fit to lead… that I’m not fit to protect you.”

He struck me with a second arrow on the chest and made me speechless. I stared at him for a moment before he spoke again.

“You know all sides of me, Jaejoong… You know me the best. What’s real… or what I pretend to be. What I show and what I hide. If there’s someone who only knows the mask, I can never trust them fully. You should know that I am most myself with you.”

I suddenly felt guilty for not realizing this. How come he gets it so easily? And what kind of a villain am I to have hurt him?

“...I like your clumsy side.” I say and reached out to sweep away the hair on his forehead. “And your angry side, I like too. Your incessant nagging... And even when you would unthoughtfully stir the soup I took time to decorate…”

He laughed and was lighting up like a kid. “Really?”

“I do. Every side of you is handsome. Even your child-like side... It’s pretty cute.” Yunho doesn’t really have to hide anything. He is a gem. Anyone would be blessed to have met him. Like I am.

“Really, Jaejoong? Jaejoong-ee?” He uses his child-like voice again and this time it makes me laugh. He pulls me close to him and hugs me tighter. And just like that, I don’t feel alone anymore.

“Do you know now?” He asks again. “How much you mean to me? Don’t be mad at me because it hurts…”

“I’m sorry…” I rest my head on his shoulder comfortably. “I love you, Yunho.”

“I know.” He caressed my back gently. "Whenever you feel like you’re not loved, I’ll tell you that you are.” He said. “I love you, Jaejoong.”

The gift of his love is that I don’t have to spill out my putrid thoughts and then regret it. His love is like a safety net, the kind that protects and secures. I cannot count how many times he has saved me from my own insecurities.

I’ve never told him but, that was one of my most treasured memories in our early days.

~end~

Thank you for reading! - Katsumi Io