Joohyun blinks against the harsh lighting of the studio. The mandatory interviews she’s had to do for press today are beginning to take its toll, made worse by the presence of the darling idol next to her and the constant stream of implications she’s had to endure that there might be something more between the two of them then they’re sharing. 

 

This is why she hates interviews, and not having Seulgi next to her to bear the brunt of it is even worse.

 

“You two seem close,” the interviewer insinuates, and Joohyun wants to scoff. She’s sitting as far from Minho as possible and hasn’t looked at him once, but sure, they’re very ‘close.’ “Viewers really like your chemistry together. Do you have any plans to work together in the future now that filming is over?”

 

“What do you think?” Minho asks, turning to Joohyun with a charmingly fake grin. “Would you like to work with me again?”

 

Joohyun almost rolls her eyes but behind the camera, Eunkyung shoots her a look. 

 

Play nice, she mouths. 

 

Joohyun knows better so she plasters on her best cheery smile and shrugs. 

 

“If there’s an opportunity.”

 

There will always be an opportunity, Joohyun knows this. Maybe not with Minho specifically, but with any other objectively handsome face. It doesn’t matter. It’s what the public likes her best in. Joohyun can’t even remember the last time she wasn’t just some love interest to a Park Bogum or a Choi Minho. God forbid she do a scene with another woman that didn’t carry the undertones of catty rivalry. 

 

“It must be nice to work with a close friend,” the interviewer continues, smiling happily at the both of them. “Hopefully, fans won’t have to wait too long to see you both on screen again.”

 

Personally, Joohyun would love it if they never have to see the two of them on screen together again. Instead of admitting that, though, she just nods, smiling tightly in Minho’s direction and hoping it comes out less forced than it feels. 

 

“So,” Minho starts, once the interview is over and Joohyun’s exhaustion has kept her in her seat long enough to prevent an escape from whatever Minho’s about to ask her. “Now that filming is done, I was wondering if—”

 

“Joohyun,” Eunkyung interrupts, paying no mind to Minho as she hands Joohyun her phone. “You have to make a call, remember?”

 

Joohyun notes the time and nods, taking the phone gratefully and standing to leave. She doesn’t spare a glance in Minho’s direction, but from her peripheral she can see how he visibly deflates and bites back a smirk.

 

“Ah, well, I’ll see you in a few days then?” Minho says, effectively stopping Joohyun from where she was about to walk away. 

 

“A few days?”

 

He gives her a confused look. “The Golden Disc Awards? We’re hosting, remember?”

 

Joohyun sighs. Right. In the whirlwind that was Seulgi and Joohyun’s complicated feelings for her, Joohyun had completely forgotten that she had schedules that didn’t involve finishing her drama or doing something for her new brand deal.

 

“Of course. It just slipped my mind for a second,” she says as Eunkyung frowns in her direction. She gives Minho a small quirk of her lips, the most of her smile she’s willing to afford him without any cameras to capture them. “I’ll see you then.”

 

It appeases Minho nonetheless, who leaves them with a friendly wave goodbye. He really is a nice guy, but Joohyun’s been around too many nice guys at this point to feel little more than apathy towards him. 

 

“He really doesn’t get the hint, huh?” Eunkyung snorts, sidling up to Joohyun’s side, but Joohyun ignores the comment, glancing at her with narrowed eyes. 

 

“Why didn’t you remind me about the Golden Disc Awards?”

 

“I didn’t think I had to. It’s already in your schedule, and you’ve hosted these awards the last two years in a row anyway. You could practically do it in your sleep by now.” Eunkyung arches a brow at her, the corners of tugged down. “Not that you seem to be getting much sleep these days. Is that why you forgot? Look, if Seulgi’s becoming too distracting—”

 

“Don’t.” 

 

They’re not going to do this, not here where anyone can hear them. That’s how rumors start, built on the backbones of people who are spineless enough to enjoy sticking their noses where they don’t belong. Joohyun hasn’t come this far to go through that unnecessary drama again.

 

Joohyun steps towards Eunkyung, voice lowering. “This has nothing to do with that. You’re supposed to be my manager. A reminder every once in a while of things pertaining to my job would be nice.”

 

“Fair enough,” Eunkyung concedes. “But as your manager, I stand by what I said. You know I’m behind you 100% on this, but if you’re getting too distracted, I reserve the right to express my concerns about it.”

 

“I’m not distracted. I just…” can’t stop thinking about her, Joohyun wants to say but smartly holds her tongue. 

 

All day Joohyun’s been lost in thoughts of Seulgi and the way she’d pleaded a breath away from Joohyun’s lips, begging for Joohyun to give them a chance. But she can’t exactly admit that to her manager who’s just accused her of being too absent-minded. Fortunately, Eunkyung spares her the trouble. 

 

“Hey, I get it. You’re not a kid anymore. I trust you to handle this; I won’t bring it up again.” 

 

Joohyun nods gratefully at her, not trusting herself to be able to speak just yet, still stuck on the memory of Seulgi’s thumb pressed daringly to Joohyun’s wrist as Joohyun cradled Seulgi’s face in her palm.

 

As if summoned, Joohyun’s phone rings, Seulgi’s name flashing across the screen. She gives it a longing look before glancing at Eunkyung with a bite of her lip. 

 

Eunkyung rolls her eyes but waves Joohyun away. 

 

“Go. I need to talk to some people here anyway. I’ll meet you in the car.” 

 

Gratefully, Joohyun accepts the dismissal, bowing hurriedly past lingering staff members on her way to the car before answering on the final ring.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Hey.”

 

Seulgi’s voice feels like a breath of fresh air. Joohyun exhales more easily just at the sound of it. She slides into the front seat of the car, feeling safer now that she doesn’t have to share this moment with anyone else to see it.

 

“Hey, how are you?”

 

Seulgi hums. “Tired but good. How are you?”

 

“Tired but good,” Joohyun echoes, and Seulgi huffs out a laugh on the other end of the line. 

 

It should scare Joohyun more—the effortless way Seulgi manages to settle the frayed edges of Joohyun’s mind with just her presence alone. It should scare her, but all Joohyun can think is that she wishes Seulgi were nearer. She wishes Seulgi were close enough for Joohyun to reach out and touch, so that she could have more to remember than just an almost kiss. 

 

“Are you busy?” Seulgi asks, always the one to worry over whether or not she was being a bother. None of that selfish desire Joohyun so often gives into when she texts Seulgi late at night.

 

“No, I just finished my last interview of the day.”

 

“Ah.”

 

Joohyun frowns. “Are you okay?”

 

She hears Seulgi sigh and imagines the pinch between her brow. If she were next to Seulgi, Joohyun would feel the incessant need to reach up and smooth it. Even now she feels that familiar pang wound itself around her heart—that aching desire to be close to her that Joohyun so rarely lets herself acknowledge. 

 

“I’m fine just a little….nostalgic, I guess.” 

 

“Nostalgic?”

 

“It’s the first of my goodbye stages today,” Seulgi reveals. “I guess I’m just a little sad it’s over. All those months of preparations just for a few weeks of promotions. I’m not ungrateful, but sometimes I wish I could do more.” 

 

Joohyun can’t quite identify with the feeling. When she works, she spends weeks at a time filming, and then spends even more weeks after that having to watch it all unfold on screen one episode at a time. Rarely, does she ever wish a project could continue for longer than its intended run. It’s too exhausting to pretend to be someone else for such long stretches of time. 

 

But Seulgi’s involved in her work in a way Joohyun could never be. If Joohyun had that same level of commitment maybe she’d also be disappointed to see it end prematurely. 

 

“You’ve achieved a lot in such a short span of time,” Joohyun tells her. “It’s normal to wish you could do more, but I think you’ve done more than enough in the time you had.”

 

“I suppose you’re right.”

 

“I am,” Joohyun teases just to earn herself another of Seulgi’s short laughs. “You really won’t perform this song again?” she questions curiously. 

 

“Not exactly. I’ll still do award shows and festivals, but it won’t be as regularly.”

 

“Award shows?” Joohyun perks up. “Like the Golden Disc Awards?”

 

“Yeah, that’s one of them.”

 

Joohyun bites back a grin. “I’ll be hosting that.”

 

“Oh. Oh!” Joohyun laughs as she hears realization settle into Seulgi’s voice. “I didn’t even notice. I guess I’ll see you there then?”

 

“I guess you will.”

 

Silence stretches as Joohyun considers it. As a host, she’ll be busy most of the night, while Seulgi will be in the audience watching and waiting for her turn. Even still, Joohyun welcomes the thrill of excitement at the prospect of seeing Seulgi again. The idea of seeing her perform in person, as well, is similarly appealing. 

 

“I wish I could see you sooner,” Seulgi admits.

 

Joohyun’s fingers clench tightly around her phone, eyes squeezing shut to the soft confession. It comes so easily for Seulgi, to say the kinds of things that make Joohyun’s heart throb so deliriously with longing. Alone in the car, Joohyun imagines Seulgi in the seat next to her. How she’d stare at Joohyun so openly, reaching for Joohyun so readily, her fingers careful where they’d dance along Joohyun’s cheek. 

 

I wish I could see you sooner.

 

“Me too,” Joohyun tells her as Seulgi gasps sharply in her ear. “Seulgi, I—”

 

On the other end, Joohyun hears a deep voice calling for Seulgi, and Joohyun knows their time is up. Another stolen moment taken back from them before they could even think of running away with it. 

 

“I’m sorry. I have to go now.” 

 

“I know.”

 

“Will you watch later?”

 

Joohyun tilts her head back, forcing the tension in her body to leave. “I will.”

 

“I’ll try hard to impress you.”

 

Joohyun chuckles, smiling against her will. “You already do, Kang Seulgi..” 

 

“Then I’ll make sure to keep it that way. I’ll talk to you later?”

 

“Later,” Joohyun promises. “Thanks for calling.”

 

“Thanks for answering.”

 

“Goodbye, Seulgi.”

 

“Bye, Joohyun.”

 

Alone in the car, Joohyun stares forlornly at the roof, wondering if somewhere in Seoul Seulgi’s heart feels as heavy in her chest as Joohyun’s does.

 

 

---

 

 

Seulgi’s always liked dressing up. When she was young, she used to sneak into her mom’s closet, trying on all her clothes and digging into all her makeup. Her mom was kind enough to find it cute, taking photos as Seulgi put on a mini fashion show right there in the middle of her parents’ bedroom. It’s partly why Seulgi loved photoshoots and red carpet events, putting on expensive clothes she doesn’t have to pay for as people take photos of her wearing makeup she didn’t have to do herself. It’s vain but Seulgi likes the kind of beautiful these schedules make her feel. 

 

It’s only when Seulgi sees Joohyun, standing atop the stage in her black dress with her shoulders exposed and her hair up—the picture of elegance and poise as she smoothly hosts the show—that Seulgi finds a whole new reason to enjoy events such as this. Swallowing to rid herself of the sudden dryness in , Seulgi can’t look away. 

 

“She’s very pretty.”

 

Seulgi barely registers the words, only briefly glancing to the side to see Byulyi leaned casually towards her. Their groups are seated next to each other this year, and Seulgi was excited initially to be able to spend the duration of the award show next to one of her closest friends. The glint in Byulyi’s eye, though, has Seulgi rethinking that sentiment. 

 

“Who?” Seulgi tries, but Byulyi sees through her easily. 

 

“You know who,” she answers, careful to keep her lips close together in case some overzealous fan tries their hand at lip reading. “And you might want to stare less obviously, your fans are watching.”

 

Blinking, Seulgi turns away from Joohyun for the first time. It’s not often Seulgi finds herself lost in such a stupor—especially under the watchful gaze of outsiders—but Joohyun had looked so beautiful, Seulgi couldn’t help herself. The burden of wanting warring with the burden of being an idol has never felt like a more difficult battle.

 

“Thanks.” 

 

Byulyi nods, the barest hint of a smirk etching across her face. 

 

“You’re usually more subtle than that. Are you feeling okay?”

 

Seulgi narrows her eyes at her, angling her body so that the fans and their cameras can’t see. 

 

“I was just admiring.”

 

“I don’t blame you. She’s quite the view.” Byulyi crosses her arms, ignoring the subtle nudge to her shin Seulgi gives her as she focuses her attention on Joohyun and her co-host introducing the first performers of the night. “He certainly seems to think so as well.”

 

Minho is the perfect gentleman, Seulgi knows this. They’ve been in the same company long enough for Seulgi to know that there certainly isn’t a nicer guy than him to work with, but as Seulgi looks at the scripted banter they share on stage, the way Minho’s eyes rest a little too eagerly—a little too long on Joohyun—Seulgi can’t stop the sudden stab of discomfort that hits her.

 

“They’ve got pretty good chemistry,” Byulyi comments, and Seulgi frowns. 

 

“It’s rehearsed.” 

 

“Chemistry is pretty hard to fake.”

 

“Joohyun’s a good actress.”

 

Byulyi quirks a brow. “You know her?”

 

Seulgi’s cheeks warm. She’s not jealous exactly; she doesn’t have any reason to be. And even if she was, she could easily reason her way out of such an awful feeling, but the uncertainty of her relationship with Joohyun has her more tense than normal. 

 

She knows Joohyun would never be interested in him, but the fact that she doesn’t have to be for people to want them together regardless will never not strike a nerve. It’s bitterness mostly, but maybe it’s a little bit of jealousy too—that no matter what she does, Seulgi could never stand up there the same way Minho can, with the same level of comfortability that he possesses, like it’s his right to be there in the first place. As far as anyone else is concerned, Seulgi will never belong next to Joohyun the way he will.

 

“We work together for the same brand,” Seulgi answers tersely.

 

Byulyi nods. “Interesting. And Minho’s in your company. Maybe you should help him out.”

 

At this, Seungwan leans forward in curiosity from Seulgi’s other side. 

 

“Who are you helping out?”

 

“Nobody.”

 

“Minho and Bae Joohyun.” 

 

Seulgi lets out a quiet sigh as Seungwan perks up, brows rising as she pats Seulgi on the arm. 

 

“You work with Bae Joohyun now; you could set them up.”

 

On stage, Joohyun and Minho disappear to the back as the first performance begins. Seulgi watches them go, Minho’s hand hovering over Joohyun’s back as he guides her away and out of sight. Biting back the feeling of resentment, Seulgi shakes her head. 

 

“Joohyun and I just started working together. Minho’s filmed an entire drama with her. I don’t think he needs my help.” 

 

“That’s true,” Byulyi agrees, as the lights dim and the performance starts in full. Seungwan also nods in agreement, quickly getting distracted by the over dramatic entrance of the boy group on stage. Under the cover of darkness, Byulyi leans towards Seulgi, whispering in her ear, “You don’t seem like you want to share anyway.”

 

Thankful her makeup can mask the flush on her cheeks, Seulgi shoots her best glare at Byulyi. It’s not very effective as Byulyi just shrugs her shoulders in response, carefully rearranging the blanket over her legs to hide the growing smirk on her face from the prying eyes of fans. 

 

“Just making an observation,” Byulyi tells her with finality, knocking Seulgi’s knee with her own goodnaturedly before turning to the performance decidedly, prompting Seulgi to do the same.

 

It’s not a song Seulgi is overly familiar with, but still she claps along as she should and makes sure to watch with just enough interest that she doesn’t seem overly invested without being bored. As much as award shows are fun, it’s an exercise in acting in its own right. On stage she has to do her job as a performer, but in the audience she has to continue her job as an idol. Here every move she makes is being documented, and the last thing Seulgi needs is for fans to read too much into something they shouldn’t—for Byulyi to read too much into something she shouldn’t. 

 

That’s why when Joohyun comes out again, Seulgi turns carefully towards Seungwan, engaging her and Byulyi in friendly banter so that no one will notice just how affected she is at the sight of Joohyun, shoulders swaying as she dances along to a random pop song at Minho’s urging. Seulgi’s too far away for Joohyun to be able to see her in the crowd, but she likes to imagine the sultry smirk Joohyun gives the camera is for Seulgi’s benefit regardless.

 

Backstage, Seulgi can breathe a little easier. Away from the eagle eyes of determined fans, Seulgi can let her shoulders drop and exhaustion seep in. Without the welcome distraction of Joohyun in a pretty dress, Seulgi has time to remember she’s only running on a few hours of sleep and a single cup of coffee. Mixed with the usual nerves from performing on a big stage, Seulgi can feel the fatigue eating slowly away at her tired muscles. 

 

Seungwan pats her on the back, offering Seulgi a bottle of water that she denies before turning Seulgi around to make sure her in-ear monitor is secured properly. 

 

“Tired?” Seungwan asks. 

 

Seulgi shakes her head. “I’ll be fine.”

 

“I know you will. That wasn’t the question.”

 

Seulgi knocks into her playfully, lifting her shoulders back and standing straighter. She’s the leader, she needs to set the example. “I’m just a little nervous, it’s nothing to worry about.” 

 

Seungwan frowns at her. They’ve known each other long enough for Seungwan to know Seulgi isn’t being entirely truthful, but Seungwan drops it nonetheless, undoubtedly aware that now’s not the time. 

 

“You’ll do great,” Seungwan reassures her before a stylist pulls her aside to touch up her makeup. 

 

Alone with her thoughts again, Seulgi lets out the sigh she’d been holding back. It’s hard to parse out all the many feelings she’s experiencing at the moment, but Seulgi can pick out one easily enough—the overwhelming desire to hear Joohyun’s voice before she performs has never been stronger. It’s strange to feel so needy for the comfort given to her by someone she’s only known for such a short time, but she can’t deny the feelings Joohyun seems to bring from within her. Pretending like they don’t exist won’t do either of them any good, but acknowledging them isn’t any easier of a pill to swallow either. 

 

“Seulgi?”

 

Joohyun looks even more radiant close up, the diamonds on her necklace glinting underneath the dim lighting backstage as she approaches Seulgi with measured steps. She arches a brow at Seulgi’s frozen state, the red tint of her lips having never looked more inviting, and Seulgi is suddenly struck dumb by just how much she wants to kiss her. 

 

“You’re up next, right?” she questions, looking down at the cue cards in her hands briefly. Seulgi can only nod, not trusting her voice just yet. Joohyun smiles, a crooked quirk of her lips that has Seulgi reeling. “I’m excited. This will be the first time I’ll see you perform live since we’ve met.”

 

Gathering herself, Seulgi tries to match her smile. 

 

“I hope you still find me just as impressive in person.”

 

Joohyun tips forward, voice lowered but no less warm. “It’d be impossible not to.” 

 

Seulgi settles then, Joohyun’s reassurance soothing the warring emotions Seulgi had managed to work up on her own. Around them, staff are constantly moving back and forth. Her members are around nearby as well, getting last minute touch ups or warming up their voices. It’s hardly the time but Seulgi still steps closer to Joohyun, briefly brushing against the inside of Joohyun’s wrist with the back of her hand. 

 

“You look beautiful.”

 

Joohyun’s mouth parts, her eyes darkening. Seulgi wants to press into her, lose herself in the feeling of Joohyun’s breath ghosting across her lips. It’s stupid, but Seulgi forgets there’s even anyone else around them. 

 

“Seulgi,” Joohyun breathes, and for a moment, Seulgi thinks Joohyun might do it. She might forget where they are too, and diminish that last bit of space between them. 

 

But she doesn’t. She blinks rapidly, coming back to herself, and then steps back with a bashful smile until they’re a friendly distance away from each other. 

 

“You look beautiful, too,” she tells Seulgi affectionately. She tugs at the sleeve of Seulgi’s shirt, rubbing the material between her fingers. “I like your outfit.”

 

Seulgi wants to say more but before she can, a staff member approaches them, signaling Joohyun to return to the stage soon. 

 

“I’ll see you later?” Seulgi asks as Joohyun readies herself. 

 

Joohyun nods. “Good luck out there. You’ll do great.”

 

Joohyun is whisked away then, back to Minho and his beaming grin, and ushered up onto the stage as the previous performers come back down. Seulgi can only watch her go, barely registering her members come to her side. 

 

Emptying her mind of any thoughts unrelated to song lyrics or dance moves, Seulgi prepares herself. She’s an idol; she can’t afford a distraction, and tonight she needs to be at her best. 

 

With Joohyun watching, Seulgi will have more than just her fans to perform for. 

 

 

---

 

 

The Seulgi on stage feels like a separate person entirely. Joohyun’s watched her perform in videos too many times to count by now, but seeing her in person is a different experience. Even from the side of the stage, Joohyun can tell how Seulgi sings and dances with effortless charm. Joohyun can’t quite see the expressions Seulgi makes whenever the camera comes near, but based on the influx of screams alone, Joohyun knows it must be a sight to behold.

 

“She’s pretty good, huh?” Eunkyung says, approaching Joohyun. Haewon and Kyungri aren’t far behind, dutifully setting down misplaced strands of hairs and wiping nonexistent sweat from the back of Joohyun’s neck. 

 

“Her hair looks fantastic,” Kyungri admires, briefly glancing over her shoulder to watch the performance before returning to fretting over Joohyun. “I wonder if her stylist is around, I’d love to ask her what product she used.”

 

“I can ask Seulgi to ask,” Joohyun offers unthinkingly, momentarily flustered at the sight of Seulgi throwing her head back as her body moves accordingly with the beat. 

 

“Oh, no! I couldn’t ask you to do that. The album was already too much.”

 

“I still can’t believe you got her a signed album,” Haewon mutters from somewhere next to Joohyun’s ear, readjusting her necklace. 

 

“Do you want one too?” Eunkyung asks with an arch of her brow. Flustered, Joohyun can feel Haewon tug a little too harshly at the necklace, denying quickly. Eunkyung nods, pleased. “That’s what I thought.”

 

“I can get you one,” Joohyun offers Haewon quietly as the stage goes dark and the song transitions, but Haewon just shakes her head, smiling at Joohyun softly. 

 

“No need for that. I’m not quite the fan that Kyungri is,” Haewon teases, earning a snort from Kyungri on Joohyun’s other side. “Now Choi Minho on the other hand…”

 

“Oh, come on,” Eunkyung groans. “You’re not seriously a fan of that guy are you?”

 

Haewon shrugs, reapplying Joohyun’s lipstick with practiced ease and momentarily blocking Joohyun’s view of the stage. 

 

“Why not? He’s handsome.” 

 

“Yeah, that’s the only thing. Too bad he’s got a personality about as interesting as a bag of rocks.”

 

Joohyun bites at the inside of her cheek, holding back a laugh. In front of her, Haewon rolls her eyes as Kyungri clucks her tongue, apparently having found some issue with the pins holding Joohyun’s hair back. 

 

“Please, like you’d say no if a guy who looked like him came onto you,” Haewon argues.

 

Eunkyung snorts. “He’d probably be more interesting, so no I wouldn’t.”

 

“What about you, Joohyun?” Haewon tries, stepping to the side and freeing Joohyun’s sight in time for her to see Seulgi spin around and lift her leg enticingly. She swallows, just barely tuning back into the conversation to hear Haewon ask, “Would you say no to Choi Minho?”

 

Joohyun frowns, not liking the sudden attention on her, nor the insinuation behind the question. But she has a role to play, even here with just her staff next to her, so she rips her eyes away from Seulgi and shrugs casually. 

 

“I don’t know. He’s not really my type.”

 

Haewon frowns, and Joohyun’s heart lurches, suddenly worried she might have said the wrong thing. They wouldn’t possibly suspect anything just because Joohyun isn't interested in one guy, right? Granted, Joohyun’s never showed interest in any man since knowing them, but that could mean anything. Though Joohyun supposes that using the tired excuse of being overly ambitious and career driven could only pass for so long. If anything, Joohyun should be happy they haven’t tried to set her with up someone sooner.

 

“You don’t think he’s cute?”

 

Joohyun’s eyes dart to Eunkyung whose arms are crossed, jaw clenched as she watches the exchange. Palms sweating, Joohyun pretends to reconsider.

 

“I mean, I guess he is. Objectively.”

 

Her answer seems to satisfy Haewon who beams in response, meeting Kyungri’s eyes from over her. 

 

“Well,” Kyungri starts, “Haewon and I were talking to some of his stylists, and apparently he’s interested in you.” 

 

Joohyun doesn’t have it in her to grimace, not when she looks back at the stage and sees Seulgi rolling her hips rhythmically. 

 

“Is that so,” Joohyun mumbles distractedly. 

 

Kyungri hums. “Maybe you should give him your number?”

 

That has Joohyun tearing her eyes away from Seulgi again, mouth parting open in surprise. 

 

“Uh.”

 

“Or,” Haewon interrupts, sensing Joohyun’s discomfort. “Maybe Eunkyung can pass your number along? What do you think, Eunkyung?”

 

They all turn to look at the silent woman. Joohyun hopes that Eunkyung knows her well enough to see the subtle panic in her expression, and thankfully she does, because Eunkyung just scowls at them in annoyance.

 

“If Choi Minho wants Joohyun’s number then he can ask her himself,” Eunkyung says with enough finality that it has Haewon and Kyungri both ducking their heads like two school children who have just been chided. Secretly, Joohyun shoots her a grateful look. “Now, that’s enough. Shoo, shoo. Joohyun needs to prepare.”

 

She really doesn’t. Eunkyung wasn’t lying when she said Joohyun could host these awards in her sleep, but nonetheless, Haewon and Kyungri scramble off, fretting about Joohyun’s appearance one final time as they do. 

 

“I swear those two,” Eunkyung mutters, but Joohyun doesn’t hear her.

 

Seulgi’s performance is ending now, and while Joohyun regrettably missed some of it, she still catches the way Seulgi raises both her arms, showing off the lines of her body as she sways back and forth to the beat before finally finishing the song with a graceful kneel. The camera comes closer to her, and looking up towards the big screen, Joohyun can see the alluring way Seulgi’s looking into it, captivating even as she heaves deeply to catch her breath. It has Joohyun squirming, suddenly feeling hot again for reasons that have nothing to do with being uncomfortable.

 

This must be why people spend hundreds just to go to a concert, Joohyun realizes. Seeing Seulgi in her element like that with her own eyes feels otherworldly.

 

Finished with her performance, Seulgi exits the stage, sweaty and breathless. She has to pass where Joohyun’s currently standing to get to the waiting rooms in the back, and for a brief moment, Seulgi meets her eyes. Joohyun’s breath gets caught in . 

 

There’s a strand of Seulgi’s hair clinging to the dampness on her forehead. Joohyun wants to reach out and push it back, maybe linger along the curve of Seulgi’s brow as she does. Seulgi’s mouth is parted as she gasps to reclaim the air in her lungs, and Joohyun craves to press at the softness of her lips, feel the warmth of her breath as she inhales and exhales. It has heat shooting down her body, seeing Seulgi like this. Joohyun shifts uncomfortably, hoping to relieve some of this newfound ache before she does something foolish like pull Seulgi aside and into a dark corner.

 

Before she can further entertain that idea, Seulgi simply bows low in greeting and then she’s off, following the rest of her members with barely a glance more in Joohyun’s direction. 

 

Joohyun exhales deeply once she’s gone. 

 

“Well,” Eunkyung mumbles, meeting Joohyun’s glare with an amused smirk. “Good thing I sent the terrible two away, even they would have noticed that.” 

 

Rolling her eyes, Joohyun flips through her cue cards absentmindedly before she gets called back on stage. She puts extra emphasis in her hosting, hoping that if she does she can get the image of Seulgi, chest heaving and eyes dark, out of her mind. If Minho notices the slight glaze to her eyes, he doesn’t say anything, and for that Joohyun is grateful. 

 

When she gets off stage again, Joohyun ignores her own waiting room and wanders the hallways. She’s not needed for a while, and she could use the time to gather herself away from nosy stylists and a manager who knows far too much. It’s been too long since Joohyun has last wanted someone in this way, the emotional roller coaster that comes with it has her thrown for a loop. 

 

It’s there, in the mostly empty hallways backstage, that Joohyun finds Seulgi again. Joohyun hadn’t realized it, but her feet had been guiding her towards the artists’ waiting rooms without thought. It’s no surprise, then, that Joohyun would run into Seulgi like this. It is surprising, though, to find that Seulgi isn’t alone. 

 

Joohyun recognizes her—Sohee, or something like that, here as a presenter. She’s a newer actress, recently shot up to stardom through a breakout role in a popular drama earlier this year. Joohyun remembers Eunkyung telling her about it and how Joohyun’s agency stupidly rejected the offer for that same drama. It’s probably that little bit of resentment carrying over—and certainly not the sight of Sohee leaned towards Seulgi eagerly, Seulgi doing nothing to stop the other actress’s attention—that has Joohyun moving towards the pair with heavy steps. 

 

“Hi,” Joohyun greets, delighting in Seulgi’s little noise of surprise and Sohee’s jump in shock. “Seulgi, Sohee.” Joohyun inclines her head towards them both in a slight bow. 

 

They both blink at her, and maybe Joohyun enjoys the imperceptible way Sohee inches back at Joohyun’s presence.

 

“Sorry to interrupt, but I need to speak to Seulgi for a moment.” She grabs onto the crook of Seulgi’s elbow without thought, leaving no room for discussion, and explains unnecessarily, “It’s about work.”

 

Seulgi nods amidst her confusion before bowing apologetically towards Sohee. 

 

“I’m sorry. We can finish this later?”

 

Joohyun’s palm tenses around Seulgi, though the other woman seems to pay it no mind. Before them, Sohee simply shakes her head with a small grin. 

 

“No, that’s all right. It wasn’t anything important,” Sohee answers. She nods her head towards them both, lowering more deeply in Joohyun’s direction. “It was nice meeting you.”

 

Joohyun watches her back until Sohee disappears down the hall and into one of the waiting rooms. Her hand stays hooked around Seulgi, anchoring her there. Joohyun doesn’t even realize how tightly her jaw is clenched until she feels Seulgi carefully pulling at Joohyun’s fingers. Finally free from her grip, Seulgi doesn’t let Joohyun go far, taking Joohyun’s hand and guiding her down another hallway until they’re standing in the darkened threshold of an emergency exit, secluded from anyone else. 

 

Seulgi’s still in her stage outfit, the velvet material of her shirt smooth where Joohyun trails a dangerous finger along the length of her arm. She’s no longer sweating, her makeup redone to perfection, and absentmindedly, Joohyun tugs at the ends of Seulgi’s hair, admiring the loose waves it’s been styled in. 

 

“Hi,” Seulgi breathes, pliant and unmoving as Joohyun marvels at her, almost in a daze. 

 

“Hi.” 

 

Carefully, Joohyun brushes the hair back from Seulgi’s face, finally able to fully appreciate the glitter dusted around Seulgi’s eyelids and the bright red lipstick layered over her lips. When Joohyun idles just a little too long at the curve of Seulgi’s cheek, Seulgi steps away, forcing some needed distance. 

 

Blinking out of the trance she’d been in, Joohyun crosses her arms below her chest—the only way to ensure she’d keep her hands to herself this time. 

 

“So,” Joohyun starts, unsure now that the past few minutes have finally caught up with her. She didn’t expect to find herself so near Seulgi again, and now that she’s here, she doesn’t know what to do with herself. 

 

“So,” Seulgi echoes. 

 

“You know Han Sohee?”

 

It’s not really what Joohyun wants to talk about, but now that she’s remembered it, she can’t quite move past the sight of Sohee and Seulgi alone in the hallway together, closer than one might presume of two strangers. 

 

Seulgi frowns confusedly. 

 

“No, not really. We just met. She was complimenting my performance.”

 

Joohyun hums, looking down towards her feet. Seulgi paints quite the image in her knee high boots and shorts, a stark contrast to Joohyun’s own pristine dress and heels. It reminds Joohyun once more of the differences between them and the distinct expectations forced on their shoulders. Seulgi can get away with daring makeup and outfits toeing the line of suggestive; Joohyun is never seen in anything short of pompous and luxurious. 

 

And yet Joohyun finds it’s hard to keep caring about such trivial things when Seulgi steps towards her once more, the scent of her perfume intoxicating to the point of persuasion.

 

“Is that what you wanted to talk about?” Seulgi asks kindly, dipping down to meet Joohyun’s eye. 

 

Joohyun shakes her head, grabbing softly for the tips of Seulgi’s fingers. 

 

“No, I just. I don’t know. I wanted to see you.”

 

The admission has Joohyun’s cheeks warming, but the grin that splits Seulgi’s face is worth it. It’s such a childish smile that shouldn’t match the sweeping lines of her eyeliner, but somehow it just makes Seulgi look cuter. 

 

“I wanted to see you too,” Seulgi tells her easily as if such words don’t engrave themselves into Joohyun’s mind one syllable at a time. “Did you watch my performance?” Seulgi asks, letting Joohyun play freely with her fingers now. 

 

Joohyun nods. “I did.”

 

“What did you think?”

 

“You were hard to look away from.”

 

In the sliver of space separating them, Joohyun can hear how deeply Seulgi inhales. 

 

“Good,” Seulgi manages, the word coming out strained. She waits until Joohyun meets her eyes to continue, voice more steady even though Joohyun can spot the red flush to her cheeks—shy even in her false bravado, “I like it when you look at me.” 

 

Joohyun can’t help it. Desire has been building for far too long now—ever since Seulgi had looked at her so softly in the dark of her car all those days ago—and to have Seulgi this close to her now, Joohyun’s just impressed she was able to wait this long at all. 

 

No longer able to resist, Joohun tugs Seulgi closer. 

 

Seulgi’s lips slant against hers softly, the taste of her overwhelming Joohyun all at once, but it’s a welcome feeling, different now that Joohyun’s had time to think about it, to want it more. Seulgi’s careful as she moves against Joohyun, letting Joohyun guide her where she wants her, hands barely straying from their place along Joohyun’s hips even as Joohyun’s surge up to tangle around the back of her neck. 

 

It’s quiet and restrained—a faint brush of their lips—all of Joohyun’s willpower going into keeping her from tugging and biting, stopping her from the front of Seulgi’s shirt so that she can pull her closer and closer. 

 

It’s Joohyun’s phone that interrupts them this time. Eunkyung’s calling her, most likely searching for Joohyun so that she can prepare for the next segment. It requires an outfit change, and she really should have been back in her own waiting room by now.

 

With a reluctant sigh, Joohyun moves away, staying close enough for their breaths to mingle as she answers. 

 

“Hello?”

 

“Where are you?”

 

Joohyun winces at Eunkyung’s tone, tipping forward to rest her forehead against Seulgi’s shoulder tiredly. 

 

“I went for a walk. I’ll be back soon.”

 

“You better,” Eunkyung scolds, reminding Joohyun lowly, “Now’s not the time for this.”

 

The reprimand serves its purpose, Joohyun tensing sharply with a feeling close to embarrassment. What was she thinking, seeking Seulgi out for some secret backstage hookup where anyone could have found them? It’s the kind of recklessness that ruined Joohyun last time, and the realization that she still can’t resist such impulsiveness has Joohyun simmering with something akin to shame. 

 

Instinctively, she moves to step back, but Seulgi stops her with a squeeze to her side. She shakes her head once, a pleading look to her eye, and Joohyun doesn’t have the heart to keep resisting, recklessness be damned.

 

“I know that,” Joohyun mumbles, fighting the urge to snap with Seulgi right in front of her. Quietly, Seulgi thumbs at her hips, soothing some of that anger Joohyun can feel already building at being chided so openly. Like a taut string let loose, Joohyun relaxes back into her immediately. “I’ll be right there.” 

 

She hangs up before Eunkyung can say anything more, probably more petty than what Eunkyung deserves, but whatever. She can apologize later. 

 

Around her, Seulgi’s hold tightens. It’s the first time they’ve ever really hugged, and Joohyun allows the brief indulgence, appreciating how gentle Seulgi is with Joohyun’s body as Joohyun inhales deeply once more close to Seulgi’s neck.

 

“I’m really starting to hate phones,” Seulgi jokes. Joohyun huffs out a laugh, pulling back to assess the damage. Their mindfulness has kept Seulgi’s lipstick mostly intact, though Joohyun still has to rub at a smudge below her lip. Joohyun fairs even better, Seulgi’s attentiveness leaving her with barely a hair out of place. 

 

“I have to go,” Joohyun announces, reluctantly removing herself from Seulgi’s reach. “There’s still a few more awards to get through.”

 

“I know. I’ll be in the audience.”

 

Joohyun smirks, trying to mirror some of Seulgi’s confidence. “Now you get to watch me.”

 

Seulgi just grins easily. “I can’t wait.”

 

It’s a tender moment, but Joohyun bites her lip, knowing that she has to be the one to destroy it once again. She hears the faint sounds of someone walking down the hallway next to them, reiterating the potential dangers of the situation they’d just been in, and it further strengthens her resolve.

 

“We….we shouldn’t have done this here,” she says softly. 

 

Seulgi nods, her smile somber but there. Joohyun thinks Seulgi could have easily been an actress with how much she’s always fighting to put on different masks of emotions.

 

“I know.”

 

“This can’t happen again.”

 

“I know.”

 

“Seulgi, I—”

 

“It’s okay. I understand,” Seulgi interrupts whatever apology Joohyun was going to give.

 

I’m sorry I can’t control myself around you? I’m sorry I keep dragging you back in just to push you away again? Joohyun doesn’t know anymore, but she does know that she said Seulgi was worth the risk and she meant it. With that thought in mind, Joohyun pulls Seulgi close again to whisper bravely in her ear.

 

“The next time I kiss you, I don’t want it to be somewhere that anyone can find us.”

 

Seulgi is unmoving as Joohyun presses a single kiss to her heated cheek. Joohyun’s lips linger, trailing dangerously close back to Seulgi’s mouth as Seulgi gasps sharply in response. She’s the first to step away, enjoying the blush she can see blooming brightly across Seulgi’s cheeks. That’s how Joohyun leaves her, with Seulgi’s lips parted in shock and her eyes burning hotly into Joohyun’s back as she walks away.

 

Eunkyung meets her with a raise of her brow, but says nothing as Haewon and Kyungri help Joohyun into her next dress of the night. She only knocks into Joohyun’s temple lightly, reminding her quietly to at least inform her first before disappearing. Joohyun just shrugs, still too distracted by the memory of Seulgi looking at her so openly in the shadows of that hallway.

 

As Joohyun returns to the stage, she finds Seulgi seated in the audience with the other artists. As promised, she has eyes only for Joohyun, and Joohyun has to bite back a grin, Seulgi's stare brighter than any of the blinding lights focused on her. 

 

 

---

 

 

SHINee’s Minho and Bae Joohyun charm fans with their chemistry during the Golden Disc Awards.

 

Seulgi reads the article headline over and over. She’s not normally one to go looking for things like this, but she was looking up reactions to her performance and she stumbled onto it by accident. It’s as funny as it is sad, that something as simple as an attractive man and woman standing next to each other could spark so much interest. 

 

It seems Minho and Joohyun are a bigger hit than Seulgi thought, fans from their drama together eager to see them reunited again out of the show. Seulgi chews at her lip, reading another comment stating how they think they’d be a good match, followed immediately by one saying they think they look good together. 

 

How long ago was it, that Seulgi was looking at an article where it was her and Joohyun’s faces next to each other instead? 

 

It’s either pettiness that has Seulgi hitting the negative reaction button to the article, or the shot of flavored soju that Byulyi pushes into her hand. Regardless, Seulgi closes the article decisively and downs the shot with more eagerness than usual. 

 

Next to her, Hyojung laughs. 

 

“You didn’t even wait for us!” 

 

Seulgi shrugs sheepishly and holds her shot glass out to be refilled. This time, she waits for the others to raise their glasses as well, tossing her shot back at the same time the rest do. With her promotions officially done, Hyojung had called her out to celebrate with Byulyi and Naeun. They haven’t been drinking long, but Seulgi can appreciate how easily the three of them manage to distract Seulgi long enough to forget about the article and the weird taste it left in . 

 

But not even they can stop Seulgi from reaching for her phone again, staring at the article on Naver once more with her lips pursed.

 

“Hey, no phones!”

 

Hyojung is pouting at her, Naeun nodding in agreement across from her. Byulyi only raises a pointed brow as she raises her glass to her lips, and Seulgi rolls her eyes. 

 

“Tonight is for celebrating friendship and getting drunk,” Hyojung reminds her, shoving another shot of soju towards Seulgi. “You can’t be on your phone when you’re celebrating friendship and getting drunk!”

 

“I thought tonight was for celebrating me?” Seulgi teases, but takes the shot without resistance after putting her phone away. 

 

“Details,” Hyojung scoffs. 

 

“Actually, you’re right,” Byulyi starts, leaning forward interestedly. “Tonight is all about you, and in the spirit of that, why don’t you tell us what’s got you all glum?”

 

Seulgi flushes, trying to force a neutral expression instinctively. She falls back into her seat, shrinking slightly at the curious expressions on her friends’ faces. 

 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

 

Naeun narrows her eyes at her. “You’re an awful liar, unnie.”

 

“I’m not lying,” Seulgi insists, though the heat she feels creeping up her ears certainly says otherwise. All three of them shoot her a pointed stare, and Seulgi pouts, pulling her hoodie up further around her as a shield. “It’s nothing, seriously! I was just reading something.”

 

“Were you looking up negative comments again?” Hyojung asks with a frown. “You know nothing good ever comes out of that.”

 

“Yeah, unnie,” Naeun agrees. “You always tell me to ignore that stuff.”

 

“You’re right,” Seulgi says just to end the conversation and shift it towards anything other than her. “I promise. My phone is officially off for the rest of the night.”

 

Byulyi pours everyone another shot and they all cheer, moving onto more lighthearted topics. It’s easy enough to get pulled into talks of music and comebacks and whatever gossip is currently circulating their field. Naeun’s worried about rumors of their company debuting a new boy group, Byulyi’s considering her options as her contract nears its end, Hyojung’s recently started seeing a rookie actor. It’s nice to catch up with the lives of her friends and forget about her own troubles, if only for a little while.

 

“It’s just weird, like he’s nice and all, but actors are kind of stuck up honestly,” Hyojung says between sips of somaek. 

 

Byulyi snorts. “End it with him then!”

 

“But he’s nice to me.”

 

Seulgi shakes her head, amused. She’d offer up her own thoughts on the matter, but the most relevant experience she has involves Joohyun and she doesn’t want to say anything about that. They’ve never really discussed it, but Seulgi’s always assumed that whatever this thing is between them, Joohyun didn’t want anyone else to know about it.

 

“What about you, unnie?” Naeun suddenly asks, turning towards Seulgi. “What’s been going on with you?”

 

Seulgi shrugs, finishing the last of her own drink, and pushes the button on the table to call the waiter to order another. 

 

“Nothing really. We’re going to release a new album soon, but that’s about it.”

 

“Not seeing anyone new?” Byulyi questions.

 

Seulgi shifts uneasily in her seat, suddenly feeling hot. 

 

“N-No.”

 

“She’s lying again!” Naeun points out triumphantly, and Seulgi blushes.

 

The waiter comes then, dropping off more bottles of soju, and Seulgi takes the brief respite to try and gather herself. Even as someone who makes a living from being looked at all the time, she still gets nervous when under the scrutiny of people she’s close to.

 

“I’m serious,” Seulgi tries again. “I’m not seeing anyone.”

 

“Are you talking to someone then?” Byulyi asks. 

 

Automatically, Seulgi thinks of phone conversations before performances and texts that carry through the whole day. Even now, she can remember the last text she sent to Joohyun—an update saying that she’d be out with friends the rest of the night so she might not respond quickly. Joohyun had said it was fine and told her to have fun. Seulgi smiles just at the memory of it, and whether it’s because of that or the alcohol already in her system, Seulgi can’t stop herself.

 

“Yeah,” she admits unthinkingly. Her eyes widen and she clarifies hurriedly, “But we’re just friends!”

 

The outburst is a little too loud and a little too clumsy to be believed so easily. Seulgi feels her cheeks redden even more at everyone’s look of skepticism. 

 

“Okay, well, I hope whatever friend it is that you’re talking to is nice,” Hyojung says eventually, pouring more shots of soju for the table. This one kicks as it goes down, and Seulgi bites back a grimace, barely suppressing a cough. 

 

“She is,” she mumbles unintentionally before clamping shut. It’s not quick enough and immediately three sets of eyes are turned towards her eagerly. 

 

“Oh, is she?” Byulyi asks. “Does your nice friend have a name?”

 

“No,” Seulgi mutters, trying to drown herself in her hoodie to escape this conversation. 

 

It doesn’t work because she can hear Naeun ask, “Are you sure you and your nice friend aren’t dating, unnie?”

 

Seulgi shakes her head, a little too harshly that it makes her head spin. She groans, both from the feeling and the sudden inquisition she’s found herself in. 

 

“N-No, I already told you I’m not seeing anyone!”

 

Hyojung frowns at her. “Why not? Have you not made a move?”

 

“I—what?”

 

“Here,” Byulyi interrupts, handing her another shot. They all cheer when they take it, and Seulgi can feel the sting as it slides down and all the way to her stomach. Harshly dropping her glass back down to the table, Byulyi continues without preamble, “Maybe Seulgi hasn’t made a move because her nice friend isn’t interested?”

 

“Wait a minute that’s not—”

 

“Oh!” Naeun perks up. “So she is interested?”

 

“I—”

 

“Ah, okay. I get it.” Hyojung snaps her fingers. “Her nice friend is interested, but because Seulgi is bad at flirting she doesn’t think that Seulgi is interested, so that’s why her nice friend hasn’t made a move yet, which is making Seulgi unsure so that’s why Seulgi hasn’t made a move yet either.”

 

“Yeah, that makes sense.”

 

“Sounds likely.”

 

Everyone nods in agreement, and Seulgi frowns, unsure if she’s just too drunk to follow this conversation or if the conversation is somehow just happening without her.

 

“What is going on?” Seulgi groans. Hyojung pats her on the back sympathetically. 

 

“You need to show your nice friend that you’re interested.”

 

Seulgi tilts her head, remembering all her texts and phone calls to Joohyun and the severe lack of sleep she put herself through during promotions just so she could spend a little bit of time with the other girl. 

 

“But I….have?”

 

“Not enough.” Byulyi shakes her head. “Maybe you should buy her something.”

 

“Buy her something,” Seulgi repeats quietly. 

 

“Yeah.” Naeun nods. “And text her a lot.”

 

“A lot?”

 

“Like all the time.”

 

“Okay,” Seulgi agrees, wondering seriously if she should be writing this down. 

 

“Don’t worry,” Hyojung tells her, sliding another shot her way. “We’ll get you a girlfriend in no time.”

 

Hazy from all the soju in her system, Seulgi can’t stop herself from saying, “But what if she doesn’t want me enough for that?”

 

It silences everyone, and even in her drunken stupor, Seulgi’s aware enough to know that she might have just killed the mood. But it’s too late to take her words back, so Seulgi just smiles wanly, taking the incentive this time to pour everyone another round. They all raise their glasses again, eyes a little more somber at Seulgi’s soft inquiry.

 

“Then she doesn’t deserve you,” Byulyi finally answers before knocking back her shot, and everyone follows suit. 

 

The soju burns as it goes down, but Seulgi doesn’t know if her stomach is in knots because of the alcohol or the gravity of Byulyi’s words. 

 

It’s just too difficult for Seulgi to imagine any world where Joohyun isn’t deserving of her, and Seulgi wouldn’t still want her anyway.

 

 

---

 

 

Kang Seulgi: [img attached]

 

Kang Seulgi: Look! I found you!

 

The messages come just as Joohyun’s getting out of the shower. The picture is a little blurry, taken of Seulgi on the street next to a poster of a perfume ad Joohyun had shot a while back. She’s leaned next to it, eyes glowing from the flash of the camera, and she’s wearing a smirk as she points mischievously towards Joohyun’s face. Even through the photo Joohyun can tell Seulgi must not be sober, and she wonders briefly if Seulgi is okay enough to be outside like this. 

 

Joohyun doesn’t normally allow herself the pleasure of getting drunk where anyone can see her, but Seulgi’s always operated under her own set of rules. 

 

Having fun? She texts back, but doesn’t get an immediate response. 

 

She towels at her hair before falling onto her bed tiredly. The towel settles over her eyes, but Joohyun leaves it, both lazy and unwilling to move it off. Her day wasn’t busy—her night even less so—but there’s a certain kind of exhaustion that’s seeped its way into her bones. 

 

Loneliness, perhaps. That’s what Eunkyung would call it anyway. 

 

Groaning, Joohyun rolls over to bury her face into her pillow. When did she become so pathetic that the most exciting part of her day comes from texts from an idol that always seems too busy for her?

 

The whole purpose of meeting Seulgi was to befriend her, but then Joohyun had to go and develop feelings for her anyway. Now, Joohyun thinks about her all the time and worries when she doesn’t hear from Seulgi enough during the day. Is it because Joohyun hasn’t had someone take up so much of her life like this in a while that she’s not used to it anymore? Or is it just because Joohyun’s always been a certain level of needy and she’s greedy for Seulgi’s attention?

 

Standing up decidedly, Joohyun exits her room. She won’t be that person that just sits and waits to hear from the girl she likes. She may not have many friends in Seoul, but she can still do things by herself. Taking a page from Seulgi’s book, Joohyun grabs a hat and a thick jacket before exiting her apartment. A walk outside might do her some good, and Seulgi’s always preaching about how nice it is to get out for some fresh air. Even if she’s alone, she can still enjoy her own company. She doesn’t need Seulgi for everything.

 

On her bed, forgotten in Joohyun’s haste to leave, her phone lights up with a new message.

 

 

---

 

 

Kang Seulgi: It’s fun but I wish you were here

 

Kang Seulgi: I miss you

 

Kang Seulgi: Sorry, you’re probably sleeping. Goodnight, have sweet dreams :)

 

 

---

 

 

“Like this?”

 

Seulgi steps back admiring her work. She hands the clumsily chopped onions over to Joohyun who accepts them with little more than a pained grimace, scraping them into the pan on the stove. 

 

“I thought you said you took cooking classes?”

 

Seulgi shrugs sheepishly. “I did. Once.”

 

Joohyun rolls her eyes, but she doesn’t seem upset as she passes Seulgi some carrots. 

 

“Think you can handle carrots?”

 

“Of course!” Seulgi agrees, even if she purses her lips at the sight of them. To her credit, Joohyun makes no comment on the size of the pieces as she adds them in as well, only briefly laughing when Seulgi admits tentatively that she doesn’t actually like them.

 

It’d felt different entering Joohyun’s apartment this time around. Joohyun had given Seulgi the code for the door, and putting it in herself seemed strangely intimate. Along with the memories from their secret tryst backstage a little more than a week ago, and the text conversations no longer laced with any form of subtlety since then, being alone with Joohyun now, in a safe space, carries a different kind of weight. 

 

Now she finds herself here, perched across Joohyun’s kitchen table, lazily smiling at the girl in front of the stove. 

 

Seulgi doesn’t so much help with the rest of the dish as she just hovers around, watching with interest as Joohyun mixes everything with a spatula in each hand. She teasingly nudges Joohyun’s side when some of the contents spill over the side of the pan and breezily accepts the chiding cluck of Joohyun’s tongue when Seulgi purposefully stands in her way so that Joohyun has to reach around her to get the olive oil. 

 

Joohyun’s mentioned in passing that she’s decently comfortable in the kitchen, but she normally doesn’t have the time nor energy to really indulge in it. Even now with her drama filming done, Seulgi knows Joohyun’s still busy with various minor schedules. Breaks for people with careers like them usually just entail getting six hours of sleep instead of the regular three, with only a few haphazard schedules spread throughout the day instead of across the normal twelve hours. Seulgi, too, has still found herself immersed in dance practices and studio recordings despite officially ending promotions.

 

And yet, when Joohyun had asked if Seulgi had time to come over, Seulgi hadn’t hesitated in saying yes.

 

“Can you hand me a—” Joohyun stops, smiling thankfully when she finds Seulgi already behind her with a plate. 

 

As they set the table, Seulgi’s hit by how normal it all is, helping Joohyun with dinner, carrying finished food to the table, sitting across from her as they eat, sharing anecdotes from their day between sips of their drinks. Even standing next to Joohyun at the sink, clumsily washing all their dishes, isn’t as annoying of a chore as it normally is—not when Seulgi risks flicking Joohyun with splashes of water, delighting in Joohyun’s affronted laugh as droplets cling to her eyelashes and roll down her cheeks. 

 

It’s all painfully ordinary like it’s a routine they’ve built up steadily over years. A quiet comfortability that could only come from being aware of the other person and wanting them even nearer. 

 

When they settle on the couch, sides pressed close together while Joohyun flips through Netflix in search of something to watch, Seulgi digs through the bag she brought. 

 

“I have something for you,” Seulgi tells her, aiming for nonchalance but missing the mark and hitting straight on nervousness. 

 

“Oh?” Joohyun perks up, abandoning the TV remote to stare curiously at Seulgi’s hands frozen inside of her bag. 

 

“It’s nothing much. I just thought you might like to have your own supplies to practice with.”

 

It’s not a full sized sketchbook, but it’s large enough to fit snugly inside of a purse. The pencils are a brand Seulgi personally likes as well, good for a beginner. Seulgi watches anxiously as Joohyun holds both in her hands, thumbing the ends of the sketchbook with what Seulgi hopes is reverence. 

 

Truthfully, the gift wasn’t her idea. She’d remembered Byulyi’s drunken advice from before and figured buying Joohyun a gift to further express her interest could hardly be seen as a bad thing. In a moment of desperation, Seulgi had texted Byulyi again to ask for gift ideas. Asking her members felt too weird and unbecoming, but Byulyi, an outsider with far more dating experience than Seulgi had, seemed like a safe bet. 

 

Get her something meaningful, Byulyi had said since Seulgi refused to divulge any details on who it might be for.

 

So Seulgi had settled for this, running the idea past Byulyi one more time before purchasing—Byulyi only giving Seulgi a little bit of grief about it before okaying. 

 

Byulyi’s suggestion seems to work as Joohyun looks at Seulgi again, eyes shining with an emotion Seulgi can’t quite identify but knows is positive. 

 

“You didn’t have to do this,” Joohyun says, and Seulgi shrugs. 

 

“I wanted to.” 

 

Which is the truth. Even if it was at Byulyi’s urging, Seulgi had wanted to do something nice for Joohyun, something to show that she cares more about Joohyun than just hidden meetups in darkened hallways or private getaways late at night in the back of Seulgi’s car. 

 

There is more to it, too. Seulgi wants Joohyun to know that in some, small way, Seulgi thinks of her and their time together and remembers all of it. That even in the couple of months they’ve known each other, Joohyun has cemented her place as a figure in Seulgi’s life, romantically or otherwise.

 

“Thank you, Seulgi,” Joohyun says, drawing Seulgi into a grateful hug. 

 

It’s a pleasant feeling to have Joohyun in her arms. Seulgi’s never been an especially touchy individual, but she’s grown used to physical displays of affection after spending so many years in a group with members who’d rather show their love than talk about it. With that experience to fall back on, it doesn’t take much effort at all to wound her arms around Joohyun and hold her closely. 

 

When Joohyun pulls away, her eyes are bright. She doesn’t move far, keeping their faces close together. Joohyun lifts a hand to Seulgi’s cheek, tracing carefully along Seulgi’s skin, and Seulgi swallows in anticipation. 

 

But just as Joohyun’s leaning forward with hooded eyes, Seulgi remembers herself, and she stops Joohyun with a hand to her collarbone. 

 

“Wait.”

 

Joohyun pauses, blinks, then retreats so quickly Seulgi’s left only with the lingering heat of Joohyun’s body.

 

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. I don’t know what came over me.”

 

Seulgi’s eyes widen as she hastens to explain, “No, you don’t have to apologize! I just wanted to talk first.”

 

“What about?”

 

Joohyun’s looking at her warily, and Seulgi knows that Joohyun is aware of where this conversation is going. Seulgi’s nails dig painfully into her skin; the illusion of a peaceful night finally cracked.

 

“You said before we couldn’t do this. You said we worked together, and it was too risky.”

 

“I did.”

 

“But you also said I was worth it, and then you,” Seulgi pauses, heat rising to her cheeks as she remembers that moment backstage again, “and then you kissed me again.”

 

Joohyun blinks, inhaling sharply. “I…did.” 

 

“So what are we doing here?”

 

Maybe Seulgi could be less blunt, but she doesn’t believe in putting up a front if she doesn’t have to. There’s a reason she isn’t an actress. Not like Joohyun. 

 

“I…” Joohyun shakes her head, trailing off. “I don’t know.”

 

Tentatively, Seulgi reaches for her, sighing in relief when Joohyun lets her, her fingers unfurling like a blossoming flower beneath Seulgi’s. 

 

“Are you still afraid?” Seulgi questions softly.

 

Joohyun’s eyes are wide when they meet Seulgi’s, that hardened steel usually present in her stare finally missing, replaced instead by a vulnerability Seulgi’s never seen from her before. Not even when Joohyun had looked Seulgi in the eye and revealed her biggest secret so bravely. Nor when she’d peered into Seulgi’s eyes with resignation and told her they couldn’t be more than this. 

 

“I don’t know how to not be,” Joohyun finally answers after a pregnant moment. 

 

“I can show you,” Seulgi tries. She tugs on Joohyun’s hand, pulling her forward until the distance between them is all but gone. “Let me show you.” She puts Joohyun’s hand right against her heart, so that she can feel the way it beats in rapid succession, a side effect from just having Joohyun near. 

 

“Seulgi.” 

 

Joohyun’s hand relaxes, soothed by the rhythmic beating like she knows it’s meant for her. 

 

“Just feel me,” Seulgi promises.

 

Seulgi is gentle when she kisses Joohyun again, a quiet offering, a silent plea that this feeling that erupts when their lips meet doesn’t have to be all that they have. It can be more than that. 

 

At the first swipe of her tongue against Joohyun’s lips, Joohyun gasps and Seulgi surges forward, unable to help herself anymore. But even though it’s Seulgi who pushes into Joohyun first, it’s Joohyun who tugs at Seulgi’s collar, angling Seulgi’s head until their mouths can slot together just right. Joohyun doesn’t seem afraid, holding Seulgi’s face in the palm of her hands and tilting her down so that she can meet Seulgi’s tongue with a bold swipe of her own. 

 

Seulgi can feel just how much of herself Joohyun has been holding back all this time, wonders how much of this pent up frustration must have been building for Joohyun to throw caution to the wind, tangling her hands in Seulgi’s hair and tugging. 

 

“Joohyun—”

 

Seulgi is breathless when they pull apart. Joohyun’s eyes are dark, her cheeks flushed. For a moment, Seulgi thinks she might pull away until she pushes insistently at the back of Seulgi’s neck, guiding Seulgi’s forehead back to hers. They breathe deeply in a familiar dance, in and out until Seulgi feels her heart rate settle into some semblance of normalcy.

 

“And now? Are you still afraid now?” Seulgi asks again.

 

This time, Joohyun shakes her head, nose brushing against Seulgi’s as she does. 

 

“Then what do you want?”

 

Joohyun’s quiet for a long moment, and Seulgi gives her the time to think, content to wait with the warmth of Joohyun’s body against her. 

 

Finally, Joohyun drags her hand away from Seulgi’s neck, following the curve of Seulgi’s shoulder until she runs the length of Seulgi’s arm and meets her hand. Gingerly, she leads it to the space above her chest, right where her heart is thumping wildly. As she answers, Seulgi realizes this is Joohyun’s true moment of bravery, finally giving into a desire she’s long since ignored, finally letting herself acknowledge something she’s been forced to hide away for so long. 

 

“I want you.”

 

Seulgi moves forward again, finding Joohyun’s lips a little too desperately. It's a messy exchange, Seulgi’s overeagerness making their teeth knock together, and Joohyun breathes out an amused laugh, encouraging Seulgi to follow her lead instead. Joohyun kisses her slow and deep, not shy at all about how she wants Seulgi, and Seulgi can do nothing but follow, hoping that Joohyun can feel just how much Seulgi wants her in return. 

 

As Joohyun brings Seulgi to her bedroom and pushes Seulgi down onto the mattress, Seulgi can’t help but stare up at her in wonder. Because Joohyun, haloed by the light of the moon with her pupils blown wide and her hair mussed from Seulgi’s own fingers, is like a dream come to life. 

 

Joohyun covers Seulgi’s body with her own, letting Seulgi feel her in ways Seulgi was too afraid to even let herself imagine, and as she kisses her way down Joohyun’s body, chasing all of Joohyun’s quiet sounds of pleasure, Seulgi feels Joohyun grasp for her hand. Seulgi takes it, kissing Joohyun’s wrist, directly above her pulse. 

 

“Just feel me,” she promises again.

 

And right there, under the moonlight, Joohyun finally lets Seulgi want her.

 

 

---

 

 

Seulgi’s breath is hot against her neck. Tucked underneath her chin, Joohyun cards her fingers through Seulgi’s hair, scratching lightly at the base of her skull. Her skin is sweaty where it presses against Joohyun’s, but Joohyun doesn’t mind, finding the intimacy in feeling Seulgi like this: whole and raw and bare. 

 

Seulgi kisses at her collarbone—once then twice—sliding her foot along Joohyun’s shin as she splays her hand against the dip in Joohyun’s spine. Joohyun hums, indulgent as she noses at Seulgi’s temple. 

 

“I have to go,” Seulgi whispers, finally interrupting the quiet moment. 

 

It’s a little after midnight. Joohyun can just barely make out the moon from the corner of her bedroom window. 

 

“Do you have to?” Joohyun’s not used to sounding so blatantly needy for another person, but she likes the comforting weight of Seulgi against her and letting her go now feels like it’s too soon. 

 

Seulgi hums, thumbing at the hollow of Joohyun’s throat. “We have to be in the studio early in the morning. My members will worry if I’m not there when they wake up.”

 

It’s a foreign concern for Joohyun. She hasn’t known what it’s like to live with another person since she was still in her parents’ house. She can’t relate to the feeling of people wondering about her comings and goings, who care if Joohyun returns late at night or not at all. But Seulgi has a group to lead. Seulgi has people who rely on her, and who she relies on in return. For all their commonalities, Seulgi’s not like Joohyun at all. 

 

“I guess I have to let you go then.” Joohyun keeps her voice light, appreciating when Seulgi rises to brush their lips together lightly. 

 

“I wish I could stay.” 

 

Joohyun holds her closer, dipping to a bruise into Seulgi’s neck. 

 

“One day,” she promises heatedly before releasing her. 

 

Joohyun watches as Seulgi moves about the room, gathering her clothes and putting them on, somehow more shy now that she's dressing instead of undressing. She giggles as Seulgi trips while sliding into her pants, curling her fingers fondly around the curve of Seulgi’s reddened ear, blowing on it gently because she likes the way it makes Seulgi squirm. 

 

“I’ll see you soon,” Seulgi tells her softly, kissing Joohyun squarely on the mouth before finally leaving the room with light footsteps.

 

Joohyun watches her go from the bed, too afraid that seeing Seulgi off at the door might have her close to begging. The sight of Seulgi walking away after what they shared already has her chest lurching, she doesn’t need to see the door shut behind her for added finality. 

 

She rolls over, holding the pillow Seulgi had laid on to her closely, seeking out the warmth Seulgi had left behind. Joohyun can’t help but wonder how it’s possible, even with the taste of Seulgi still on her tongue, with the marks of Seulgi’s passion still on her skin, with the scent of Seulgi still lingering on the sheets, for her to already miss someone this much.

 

 

---

 

 

Kang Seulgi: Today while on a walk, I looked outside and saw the stars shining really brightly and it made me think of you

 

Kang Seulgi: I hope sometimes you see things and think of me too~

 

Bae Joohyun: Cheesy

 

Bae Joohyun: And I always think of you

 

Kang Seulgi: :)

 

 

---

 

 

Seulgi watches with interest as Joohyun leans over, briefly pulling her mask down to smell some of the few remaining flowers lined along the pathway. Before she can second guess it, Seulgi raises her camera, carefully setting up the shot, and takes the picture. The sound of the camera shutter startles Joohyun into standing, and she stares at Seulgi in surprise. 

 

“Sorry,” Seulgi says, smiling sheepishly. “You looked pretty there.”

 

Joohyun turns bashful even as she pushes at Seulgi’s arm lightly. But instantly her expression shifts, becoming pensive as she regards Seulgi with a pinch between her brows. 

 

“You’re not going to post that one are you?” 

 

Oh. Seulgi hadn’t even thought about it truthfully, but she knows how careful Joohyun likes to be about their time together. Even if Seulgi wishes she could post about Joohyun for all the world to see like any other normal couple might, Seulgi knows they’ll never be afforded such niceties. 

 

“I’d have to develop the film first,” Seulgi jokes, but Joohyun only levels her with an even stare. Seulgi nudges her gently, placating. “But no I wasn’t planning on it. This one’s just for me.”

 

The answer relaxes Joohyun who continues their walk with a grateful nod. 

 

They don’t normally go out during the day. It’s always easier to be noticed without the cover of darkness, but in a rare opportunity where they both had some time off, Seulgi was itching to get out with her camera. The weather was good today with the snow finally tapering off and the sun coming out. While initially reluctant, Joohyun had tentatively agreed after only a little bit of urging when Seulgi suggested going for a walk through nature. 

 

The botanical garden is nice, large enough for them to get lost in if they really wanted, and with the weather still being as cold as it is, they can walk for long stretches of time without seeing anyone at all. It’s perfect for Seulgi, who can spend as much time as she wants, angling for the best shots with her camera without the pressure of other people surrounding her, and comfortable enough for Joohyun, who laughs a little bit more easily and walks a little bit more carefreely with each passing second that they find themselves alone. 

 

Seulgi loves seeing Joohyun like this, so open and unrestrained, such a stark contrast to the usual way Joohyun’s always reigning herself in. 

 

“I thought you wanted to shoot the scenery,” Joohyun accuses halfheartedly when she catches Seulgi taking another picture of her. 

 

“But you’re a better subject than the scenery,” Seulgi answers without missing a beat, pulling the film advance lever and taking another shot immediately. 

 

Joohyun blinks at her before narrowing her eyes. Seulgi just grins, moving aside so she can get another angle with better lighting. 

 

“Okay, enough,” Joohyun laughs after she’s indulged Seulgi with a few different poses. “Here, let me take some of you.”

 

Seulgi raises a brow, but agrees, handing over her camera with only a little trepidation. Joohyun only fumbles with it for a moment, raising it so she can look through the viewfinder. Seulgi has to muffle a laugh, the sight of Joohyun’s face obscured by the camera as she awkwardly holds it more amusing than it should be.

 

“Do you even know how to use that?” 

 

Joohyun lowers the camera with a determined frown. 

 

“How hard can it be?”

 

Seulgi shrugs and gets into position. She lets Joohyun take as many pictures as she wants—this roll of film most likely wasted as Seulgi’s sure Joohyun hasn’t bothered to change the focus even once the entire time—but Seulgi doesn’t mind. Joohyun actually seems like she’s having fun, and that seems like such a rarity for the other woman, Seulgi would never be the one to put a stop to it if she could help it.

 

“Can you take some with my phone?” Seulgi requests, handing Joohyun the device. “I want to post some to instagram.” She adds in afterthought, “I won’t tag you in anything.”

 

“Is that something you’d want?” Joohyun asks as Seulgi quietly poses in front of a tall tree covered in snow.

 

“Hmm?”

 

“To post pictures with me,” Joohyun answers eventually, giving Seulgi her phone back after the impromptu photoshoot. 

 

Seulgi tilts her head, considering. 

 

“I’m sure fans would love it if we did,” Seulgi responds after a moment, “but it’s not that important to me. Besides, the kinds of photos I’d want to post with you would never be allowed.”

 

The last part is said with a blush. Seulgi tugs her beanie down, hoping Joohyun doesn’t notice, and fiddles with the shutter speed on her camera just for something to do.

 

“What kinds of pictures would that be?” 

 

There’s a hint of a smirk in her voice, and Seulgi flushes further. 

 

“N-Nothing. Hey, why don’t we walk over there? We haven’t gone that way yet.”

 

Joohyun takes her by the arm gently, holding Seulgi in place. She scratches slightly at the inside of Seulgi’s elbow—a faint feeling that Seulgi can only barely feel through her padded jacket. 

 

“Seulgi.”

 

Seulgi blows out a sigh. She knows how Joohyun can get. It’d be asking for too much to expect Joohyun to just let this go, and Seulgi’s always been the type to give in where she can help it. 

 

She admits shyly, “Just, you know, like couple photos and stuff.”

 

“Ah.”

 

Seulgi can feel the redness on her cheeks deepen.

 

“I’m not saying we have to or anything! Just that if we did and we could, I’d want to post those. Hypothetically.”

 

Joohyun nods, but her expression is still tense. Even the grip she has on Seulgi’s arm has tightened. 

 

“I’m sorry,” Joohyun says eventually. “That that’s not something we can do.”

 

Chancing a look around to make sure they’re still alone on the side of the pathway, Seulgi places her hand over Joohyun’s where it rests on her arm. She squeezes, urging Joohyun to look at her, and when she does, Seulgi offers her a bright smile.

 

“It’s okay. Just being with you is enough for me.”

 

She means it too. Seulgi doesn’t need couple photos or public social media posts to show how much she likes Joohyun. Even if sharing Joohyun with the rest of the world sounds nice, Seulgi’s okay with this too. It’s hardly a burden to get to keep Joohyun all for herself. If anything, Seulgi just feels bad that not many have the privilege of knowing Joohyun the way Seulgi does. 

 

It’s Joohyun’s turn to blush, a rare tinge of red dusting across her cheeks, but she turns away before Seulgi can admire it fully. 

 

“Cheesy,” she mutters as Seulgi laughs.

 

Seulgi wants to kiss her, thinks maybe she might, but before she can consider it further, Joohyun suddenly drops Seulgi’s arm, stepping away from her quickly. 

 

The crunch of footsteps along the snow enters Seulgi’s ears, and she looks up in time to see a small family passing them. They don’t take any notice of Seulgi and Joohyun, but Seulgi can still see Joohyun shift uneasily, inching further away until the family rounds the corner out of sight. 

 

“Come on,” Joohyun murmurs. She tugs softly at Seulgi’s sleeve, but doesn’t grab onto it again even though Seulgi wishes she would. “Let’s go that way.”

 

Joohyun doesn’t wait for Seulgi to follow after her, and Seulgi makes no effort to move either. She just watches as Joohyun moves further along the pathway away from Seulgi, creating some needed distance despite the two of them being alone.

 

Without thinking, Seulgi raises her camera and captures Joohyun walking away.

 

 

---

 

 

Joohyun flexes her hands on the steering wheel. Her grip is tight, stronger probably than what is warranted, but she tenses the closer and closer she gets to her destination. Finally, she turns the last corner and speeds up, leaning forward anxiously. 

 

“Yes!”

 

Her character crosses the finish line first, and Joohyun beams widely in victory. Beside her, Seulgi’s mouth is parted in shock. 

 

“You said you’ve never played this before.”

 

“I haven’t,” Joohyun confirms. 

 

“But you won again…” 

 

“It’s not that hard once you get the hang of it.” Joohyun shrugs, setting the controller down on the couch next to them. “Want to play again?”

 

“Sure, but I’m going to make some more coffee first. Do you want a soda?”

 

“Yes, please.”

 

Seulgi rises with a stretch, smiling softly when Joohyun reaches for her hand and kisses the back of it just because. She makes her way to Joohyun’s kitchen, comfortable as she pokes through Joohyun’s cabinets. Joohyun can hear the sounds of Seulgi setting up the coffee maker Joohyun bought just for her and waits for the now familiar aroma to waft through her apartment. 

 

On the TV, the screen flashes with replays of their last race in the game. Seulgi had brought over the game console earlier, saying that she wanted to see some of that competitive spirit in person that Joohyun’s always talked about. Joohyun had taken that challenge for what it was and hadn't lost a round since the very first one where she was still learning all the controls. She doesn’t think Seulgi was quite prepared for Joohyun to be as serious about it as she was.

 

“Cola for you,” Seulgi announces when she returns, handing Joohyun a soda can, “and coffee for me.” 

 

She settles neatly into Joohyun’s side, their arms pressed together, and smiles warmly at Joohyun. 

 

“Shall we play another round?”

 

She looks so soft like this—in a sweater she borrowed from Joohyun with her face free of makeup and her hair thrown messily into a bun. Seulgi isn’t as careful about her image as Joohyun is, so Joohyun knows this is a sight Seulgi’s shared with the world before, but still. Something about Seulgi feeling comfortable in Joohyun’s own home, wearing something Joohyun’s worn before and drinking out of a mug Joohyun’s drank from before. It feels overwhelming in the best of ways. 

 

“Actually, let’s watch something instead,” Joohyun requests, and Seulgi makes no effort to resist as Joohyun takes her mug from her and places it on the table, sliding Seulgi’s hand into hers in its stead. 

 

“What do you want to watch?” Seulgi asks, changing the channel on the TV. “Oh, hey! Your drama is on!”

 

Joohyun winces when she sees her face come on screen, the scene switching to show Minho, expressionless, opposite her. She grapples for the remote in Seulgi’s hands and forcibly switches the channel.

 

“Anything but that please.”

 

Seulgi laughs, nudging Joohyun fondly. 

 

“Not a fan of seeing your and Minho’s chemistry together?”

 

Joohyun doesn’t bother hiding her scowl. “Not you too.”

 

“Sorry, I couldn’t resist.” Seulgi soothes her with a kiss to her cheek. Joohyun immediately relaxes at the feeling, still unused to such simple displays of affection. “I keep seeing articles about it.”

 

There’s a slight edge to Seulgi’s voice that Joohyun picks up on. It’s not overtly noticeable, but Joohyun’s learning how to read all of Seulgi’s more subtle expressions as she slowly grows more attuned to her. She doesn’t seem incredibly upset on the matter, though, so Joohyun lets it go, groaning instead. 

 

“Don’t remind me. I’ve already heard them talking about making a sequel.”

 

“That could be fun.”

 

“Or boring.” Joohyun sighs, leaning her head on Seulgi’s shoulder. She feels Seulgi nose into her hair and smiles. 

 

“You don’t want to act with him again?” 

 

“More like I’d rather do something else with a little more substance,” Joohyun admits. Then, because she can’t help herself, adds, “And with more women.” 

 

That’s just a far off dream at this point though. Even being this far into her career, Joohyun’s options are still rather limited. There aren’t many exciting roles available for actresses in the industry, and the few that do exist usually get picked up by those with the right connections. So Joohyun will just have to take what she can get, happy that these days her company lets her go to auditions at all instead of just placing her in things like they used to—even if they still get some final say in the end.

 

 “Let’s not talk about work,” Joohyun urges when it seems like Seulgi has more to say. Right now is supposed to be about relaxing, not getting worked up about things outside her control. “Why don’t we put a movie on?”

 

“Okay,” Seulgi agrees easily, smiling when Joohyun kisses her shoulder appeasingly. 

 

They settle for some American movie that Seulgi seems excited to show her. Joohyun only makes it through a quarter of it before she gets distracted by Seulgi’s enthusiastic grin and the eager way she reveals random tidbits about the lead actors. It’s a little too endearing to see Seulgi so passionate about something more in Joohyun’s field, and she can’t help herself when she reaches forward and tugs Seulgi’s lips towards her.

 

“What about the movie?” Seulgi mumbles when Joohyun pulls away to kiss down her neck. 

 

Joohyun huffs out a laugh, biting gently at Seulgi’s skin before detaching completely. Seulgi’s eyes are dark, her chest rising and falling from breathlessness. Joohyun arches a brow, thumbing at Seulgi’s bottom lip. 

 

“Do you really want to keep watching the movie?”

 

Seulgi doesn’t answer, just pulls Joohyun back towards her with impatient hands. Joohyun has to force herself not to get lost in Seulgi’s touch and the tender way she caresses Joohyun’s cheeks with the pads of her thumbs. Seulgi always feels so soft, none of the sharp edges Joohyun has that she uses to keep people away. Seulgi is warm and gentle and nothing like Joohyun at all. 

 

Joohyun doesn’t want to admit it, but she’s always going to worry that one day Seulgi will get tired of being the cushion that catches Joohyun when she falls.

 

“You have practice soon,” Joohyun reminds Seulgi, peeling herself away with some difficulty to check the time. 

 

Seulgi follows Joohyun’s eyes to the clock on the wall and sighs, throwing her head back on the arm rest. At some point, Joohyun had pushed Seulgi back until she was lying on the couch beneath her. Her cheeks are flushed, her lips swollen, and Joohyun can see the beginnings of a dark mark forming just beneath Seulgi’s collarbone. It’s a beautiful sight, and Joohyun has to fight back the urge to keep Seulgi here like this longer. Seulgi probably wouldn’t put up much of a resistance if she did, and that’s exactly why Joohyun moves off her to let Seulgi stand. 

 

Between the two of them, Joohyun is supposed to be the one less inclined to such impulsiveness. 

 

“Right, I should probably get going.” Seulgi rubs at her eyes cutely before gathering her things. She shrugs on her jacket but keeps Joohyun’s sweater on underneath, and Joohyun feels a wave of affection bloom bright and large at the sight. Seulgi kisses Joohyun’s temple when she’s finished, murmuring quietly, “I’ll talk to you later?”

 

Joohyun nods, and Seulgi leaves with soft footsteps out the door. 

 

Joohyun doesn’t watch her go, something too heavy looming in her chest at the idea of seeing Seulgi leave her behind again.

 

 

---

 

 

“Whatcha got there?”

 

Seulgi holds her phone to her chest, leaning away from Yerim’s prying eyes. 

 

“Nothing. I thought you were going out?”

 

“I am later,” Yerim answers. “Now seriously, what are you hiding?”

 

Yerim reaches for Seulgi’s phone again, curious now that Seulgi seems so secretive. Yerim, as mature of an adult that she’s grown into, still holds onto many of her childish annoying tendencies wherever Seulgi is concerned. Selugi can admit to having a soft spot for her—a byproduct from having known Yerim since she was young—and that’s probably why Yerim has no issue with trapping Seulgi into a headlock, respectable age hierarchy be damned. 

 

“Why are you so strong?” Seulgi grunts, trying to elbow Yerim away from her with as little damage as possible. Not that Yerim extends the same courtesy as she yanks roughly at Seulgi’s arm. 

 

“Why won’t you just show me?”

 

“Are you guys okay in here?”

 

They pause in their struggle, staring wide eyed at Seungwan who enters from the kitchen. Sooyoung follows behind not long after, taking a seat on the floor next to Seungwan, both of their hands holding onto matching bowls. The smell of ramyeon wafts enticingly into Seulgi’s nose, distracting Seulgi enough to afford Yerim the opportunity to steal Seulgi’s phone away. 

 

“Hah!”

 

“Hey!”

 

Seulgi’s phone is locked anyway, but that doesn’t mean Yerim can’t see the message previews on her home screen. She watches anxiously as Yerim looks at her phone, only for the younger girl to scoff in annoyance, handing the device back disappointedly. 

 

“It’s just Byulyi unnie. How boring.”

 

Seulgi sighs in relief, thankful it wasn’t Joohyun and that the last message Byulyi had sent her had been harmless enough not to raise suspicion, even if the subject they were currently discussing was Seulgi’s relationship.

 

“You shouldn’t look at other people’s phones, Yerim,” Seungwan chides, sounding a little too motherly for Yerim not to shove at her. 

 

“I wouldn’t have to if our wonderful leader here would stop keeping things to herself.”

 

Seulgi frowns. “I’m not keeping things to myself.” Three pairs of eyes shoot her a disbelieving look, and Seulgi blushes. “Okay, well. I don’t keep everything to myself. I tell you all most things.” She tries to anyway. Certain things require discrepancy. Things like Joohyun and the tentative budding of their new relationship. 

 

“You don’t have to tell us everything,” Seungwan comments between slurps of ramyeon noodles. 

 

Sooyoung nods agreement. “Yeah, we know you like your privacy.” 

 

Seulgi grins triumphantly at Yerim, who only rolls her eyes at her. 

 

“Forgive me for wondering about who’s got you sneaking around late at night. We’re in the middle of comeback preparations, and you still find a way to go out almost every day. Honestly, I haven’t seen you like this since you were going out with that one girl. What was her name again?”

 

“Eunae?” Sooyoung supplies helpfully. Seulgi shoots her a look of betrayal that Sooyoung completely ignores, smirking into her bowl as she finishes the last of her soup.

 

“Yes, that one!”

 

Seulgi’s blush intensifies. That relationship had been short lived, barely even worth mentioning, but Seulgi had been smitten to the point of the others noticing, especially since it similarly occurred during a time of album preparation. While she’s been on dates with people since then, she usually likes to save it for breaks in activity. It takes a special kind of person for Seulgi to throw herself off the deep end like this. 

 

“It’s not like that,” Seulgi tries, but it falls on deaf ears. 

 

“Yeah, it’s worse than that.” Yerim arches a brow, daring Seulgi to deny it, and Seulgi shrinks, feeling even less like she’s the oldest in this conversation. 

 

“Give her a break.” Seungwan comes to Seulgi’s defense, always the voice of reason. “If Seulgi wants to keep her relationship private that’s her business.” 

 

“Thank you, Seungwan.”

 

“Even though she is being disgustingly obvious about it.”

 

“Hey!”

 

“Whatever,” Yerim mutters. “She makes you nicer during practice, so you better be treating her right.” 

 

“I’m always nice during practice.” Seulgi pouts, offended. She’s always considered herself to be a fair leader, guiding through empathy rather than an iron fist. Some might call her a pushover, Seulgi says it’s being kind. She tilts her head, adding in afterthought, “And I’m a great girlfriend.”

 

“Uh huh.”

 

“Why do you sound unconvinced?”

 

“No reason,” Yerim sings, ignoring Seulgi’s glare as she stands. She calls over her shoulder as she leaves the room, “Introduce her sometime, though, yeah? I’d love to meet the girl who’s turned you into such a lovesick fool.”

 

Seulgi scratches at her head, the idea of Joohyun meeting her members sounding strange and very far away. Joohyun’s barely even comfortable going out alone with her, Seulgi can’t imagine the idea of bringing her members into the mix. Not anytime soon, anyway. 

 

On her lap, Seulgi’s phone chimes with a new message. 

 

Joohyun♡: I miss you. 

 

The words bring a smile to Seulgi’s lips—whole and unbidden—and she itches to type a response, something overly sweet that Joohyun would cringe at and Yerim would surely make fun of her for. Until a cough rouses her. 

 

Opposite her, Seungwan and Sooyoung are giving her twin looks of amusement. Seungwan raises a brow.

 

“Would you like us to go?”

 

Seulgi flushes a deep red, shoving her phone into the front of her hoodie. “No, that’s not necessary.”

 

“Well, I’m gonna go. I have a date to get ready for, and unlike Seulgi unnie, I don’t mind announcing it.” Sooyoung stands, taking her and Seungwan’s empty bowls. She pats Seungwan on the head lovingly, and nods towards Seulgi in grave disappointment. “Good luck with all of that.”

 

Slighted, Seulgi crosses her arms, huffing as Sooyoung leaves and Seungwan moves onto the couch next to her. 

 

“You can text her back if you’d like,” Seungwan offers. “I won’t say anything.”

 

Seungwan’s good for her word. Of all the members, she gives Seulgi the least trouble. Maybe it’s because they’re the same age, or maybe it’s because Yerim and Sooyoung dish it out on Seungwan just as good, but for all intents and purposes, Seungwan’s always felt like Seulgi’s greatest ally. 

 

“It’s fine. I can talk to her later,” Seulgi decides, even though she can feel the weight of her phone calling out to her like a technologically obsessed teenager.

 

“So how’s it going? Really.” Seungwan asks, aware that Seulgi will probably answer now that they’re alone.

 

Seulgi shrugs. “Good. It’s still new.”

 

“It’s Bae Joohyun, right?” At Seulgi’s wide eyed response, Seungwan pats her soothingly on the back. “You were pretty obvious at the Golden Disc Awards, but don’t worry, Sooyoung and Yerim weren’t paying attention.”

 

“You can’t say anything,” Seulgi pleads. She knows Joohyun isn’t out the way Seulgi is, and the last thing she wants is for Joohyun to think Seulgi betrayed her confidence just to gossip about their relationship with her member. 

 

“I won’t.”

 

“Promise me,” Seulgi requests. Seungwan’s brows furrow at the severity of Seulgi’s tone, and Seulgi sighs. “Please. She’s not—” Seulgi cuts herself off, unsure if just revealing that information is already too much. 

 

Seungwan gets it nonetheless, eyes widening in realization, and nods in understanding.

 

“I won’t say anything, I promise.”

 

Seulgi smiles at her gratefully, thankful that out of everyone, it’s Seungwan who figured it out. Not that Seulgi distrusts any of her members. She’s confident that if it were anyone else who pieced together this information, they’d react similarly. But regardless, Seungwan is one of her closest friends—member or otherwise—and Seulgi is comfortable with Seungwan knowing. 

 

“So,” Seungwan starts again. “Are you really not going to tell me anything more?”

 

“What else is there to tell?” Seulgi responds shyly.

 

“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe you can explain how you managed to make a popular actress fall for you?”

 

“Hey!”

 

“I’m kidding! I know you’re a catch.” Seungwan laughs, raising her hands in surrender when Seulgi swats at her. “But seriously. Everything’s fine right? She’s treating you properly?” 

 

“Of course! She’s great!” Seulgi’s quick to reply, but nips at her lip, a little too worryingly for Seungwan to be able to ignore.

 

“But?”

 

Seulgi sighs. It’s a double-edged sword to have someone who knows her as well as Seungwan does in the same group as her. While it makes being a leader much more easy, it also makes things like hiding her burdens away near impossible no matter how much she tries. 

 

“It’s nothing. Just…” It’s something she’s already been going back and forth with Byulyi for the last few days. Seulgi already feels guilty enough revealing such details to Byulyi—even without Byulyi knowing Joohyun’s name—but the idea of getting a fresh perspective on it with Seungwan might shed some extra light. “I don’t know. When we’re together it’s good, but sometimes it feels like she’s still holding back with me.”

 

“You said she’s not out yet,” Seungwan answers diplomatically. “It’s probably hard for her.”

 

“I know it is, and I appreciate that she’s even willing to try with me, all things considering.”

 

“Then?”

 

Seulgi falls back into the couch, shifting her eyes to the ceiling. 

 

“I don’t know. I guess I’m just worried that eventually she’ll realize I’m not worth it and walk away.” 

 

“You’ll just have to keep reminding her that you are.” Seungwan rubs Seulgi’s arm soothingly. “But be careful with her, Seulgi. Girls like her—who are used to being scared—are more likely to run away to protect themselves. They won’t care about who they hurt in the process. I don’t want to see that happen to you.”

 

“I’ll be careful, Seungwan. I-I really like her. A lot. “

 

“I know you do,” Seungwan says fondly, patting Seulgi’s head like a child. “But don’t let that be an excuse to let her hurt you, okay?”

 

“I won’t.” 

 

She won’t, is what Seulgi wants to say, but smartly chooses not to. Too many parts of her life contain uncertainties, and as much as Seulgi likes her, as much as she wishes it wasn’t like this, she can’t be entirely sure that Joohyun isn’t one of them. 

 

 

---

 

 

Joohyun watches in mild amusement as Seulgi pours herself another shot of soju. It’s not often Joohyun lets herself entertain alcohol, especially in public. She’s always relied too heavily on her self control to let something like a quick drink after work mess up everything she’s so carefully worked for so far. 

 

But Seulgi had looked stressed, the bags under her eyes telling Joohyun more than Seulgi’s flippant responses had when Joohyun commented on them, so when Seulgi had tentatively suggested ordering a bottle of soju with their meal, Joohyun didn’t have the heart to say no. Watching the enthusiasm with which Seulgi is downing and pouring the shots, though, Joohyun thinks perhaps she should have. 

 

“Who knew you were such a big drinker,” Joohyun comments, cheek to her palm as she gazes at Seulgi from underneath her hat. 

 

There’s a flush to Seulgi’s cheeks, and her eyes are slightly hazy, unfocused as she squints back at Joohyun. 

 

“I’m not really,” Seulgi answers, biting stubbornly at her lip. Joohyun wants to laugh and tell her that she can tell, but she refrains, admiring how Seulgi’s brows pinch together thoughtfully. “But I’m getting better! Everyone’s said so.” 

 

“I see.” Joohyun smiles. She looks around to make sure there’s no one around them before quietly taking the remaining shot from Seulgi’s grip, purposefully letting their fingers brush together for a beat too long. “Here, let me have a turn.”

 

It’s a subtle burn down , made easier by the way Seulgi watches her with her breath held and her lips parted. It’s only Joohyun’s second shot of the night. Seulgi had kindly offered to finish the rest of the bottle when Joohyun expressed her dislike for public drinking, but she thinks maybe she should have had more, if the dark look in Seulgi’s eyes says anything. 

 

Their food has long since been finished, but they lingered at the table anyway, enjoying the ambience of the tiny Chinese restaurant and its low lighting. Joohyun preferred places like this, a compromise for her as a homebody since the trendy cafés Seulgi usually likes to frequent are too popular for Joohyun to be comfortable with. Here, it’s empty and dark enough for Joohyun to not mind when Seulgi’s foot finds hers underneath the table, tapping inconspicuously in reminder of Seulgi’s unassuming presence.

 

“Ready to go?” Joohyun asks, when Seulgi begins to sway forward, brushing her fingertips just so against Joohyun’s where they rest on the table. 

 

Seulgi nods, and sits patiently when Joohyun tells her she’ll handle the bill. Seulgi isn’t drunk enough that she can’t walk, but she is drunk enough that Joohyun grabs her by the arm, holding her before she can even think about stepping into the driver’s seat. 

 

“You’re not driving,” Joohyun states, holding her hand out for the keys in silent demand. 

 

They’d parked somewhere further down the road, where there aren’t any other cars, but Joohyun still looks around cautiously anyway. She finds no one, but unease pricks at her the longer they stand around.

 

Seulgi frowns, staring forlornly between her car and Joohyun.

 

“But you don’t like driving?” Joohyun’s pause has Seulgi smiling toothily. “I can sober up. Let’s just sit first.”

 

Joohyun takes the keys from her anyway—just to be petty—but acquiesces as Seulgi guides her the rest of the way through the empty parking lot and into the backseat. 

 

Alone now, Seulgi turns the radio on before leaning back into the seat. Joohyun smiles as the band they both like filters through the speakers, knowing Seulgi must have put it on purposefully. Gently, she caresses Seulgi’s rosy cheek with the back of her hand. 

 

“I shouldn’t have let you drink so much,” she murmurs, watching as Seulgi’s eyes flutter closed. 

 

Seulgi is warm beneath her, her skin smooth to the touch. With her eyes closed and slightly parted, Joohyun can freely admire her, and she realizes that up until now, she’d forgotten just how young Seulgi truly is. 

 

“You’re not responsible for me,” Seulgi answers though her tone holds no malice. “I should have stopped myself knowing I drove here. I’m not even that drunk.” She sighs then, opening her eyes and catching Joohyun’s wrist, trapping Joohyun’s hand against her face so that she can lean into it like a cat seeking warmth. “I’m just tired.”

 

“You should rest more. I know you don’t get enough sleep when we’re together.”

 

“I’m all right.”

 

“Seulgi,” Joohyun chides, but Seulgi just shakes her head, biting lightly at Joohyun’s palm. 

 

“We always get really busy right before a comeback. It can get really stressful,” Seulgi confides. She tugs Joohyun towards her, until she can slot herself between Joohyun’s neck and shoulder. As she continues, Joohyun can feel her huffs of breath along her skin, and she shivers involuntarily. “But when I’m with you, I don’t feel stressed. I like spending time with you, even if I miss out on some sleep because of it. I always feel better afterwards.”

 

Joohyun sighs, nosing at Seulgi’s hair and breathing her in deeply. Seulgi’s always so honest. She can speak her mind with a kind of ease Joohyun could never achieve. Joohyun doesn’t know how she does it, how she can afford to be frank in an industry that so often demands ambiguity. 

 

Wanting to return some of that transparency, Joohyun admits slowly, “I feel better when I see you too.” She can feel the curve of Seulgi’s smile against her neck and it encourages her to continue, “but we don’t have to keep going out like this. We can stay in and rest too. I don’t mind.”

 

When Seulgi pulls back, Joohyun notices the slight downturn of Seulgi’s lips. 

 

“Do you,” Seulgi pauses, pushing away further. Joohyun can see how her brows are furrowed, eyes shifted to her lap to avoid Joohyun’s gaze. She looks worried, and Joohyun can do nothing but squeeze her hands reassuringly. “Do you not like going out with me?”

 

“What?” Joohyun frowns, wondering how Seulgi came to that conclusion or if this is just the alcohol’s drunken logic. “Why would you ask that?”

 

Seulgi shrugs. “I don’t know. I know you’re not really comfortable with all of this.” She gestures around them vaguely. “I don’t want you to feel like you have to come out with me just because I asked. You can tell me if you want to do something else.”

 

Joohyun exhales deeply. She wondered when this was going to come up, if ever. Seulgi has been so kind about all of Joohyun’s initial reluctance, Joohyun almost assumed Seulgi would never want to bring it up again. She should have known that was only wishful thinking. 

 

“I like when you take me places, Seulgi. I told you I don’t get out much, so it’s been nice getting to do these things with you, but I—” Seulgi, who had been slowly lighting up with Joohyun’s words, tenses suddenly again at Joohyun’s hesitance. “I won’t lie that it’s still hard for me. I want so badly to be able to give you what you want from me, but it’s just. It’s been a long time since I’ve done this. There’s still a lot of things I have to learn this time around.”

 

Seulgi’s already shaking her head emphatically before Joohyun’s even finished, leaning towards Joohyun earnestly. 

 

“I just want you,” Seulgi tells her seriously. “I don’t want anything else.”

 

Joohyun goes slack at Seulgi’s words, that initial burst of defensiveness that had been bubbling within her leaving. 

 

She holds Seulgi’s face in her hands, tracing the dark circles underneath her eyes with the pads of her thumbs. 

 

“I just want you too.”

 

It’s still a deliriously addicting feeling to kiss Seulgi. Even after the many times she’s felt Seulgi’s lips move against her own by now, Joohyun doesn’t tire from it. Seulgi’s always gentle, too, never forceful with how she meets all of Joohyun’s eager movements. Usually, it’s Joohyun who feels like the one who wants to move too fast, impatient as she scratches through Seulgi’s hair and kisses down the length of her neck. 

 

Of course it’s as Seulgi’s panting hotly into her ear, and her hands are inching up Seulgi’s shirt that Joohyun’s phone dings. Groaning, Joohyun reluctantly peels herself away from Seulgi, knowing that there’s only a handful of people who would contact Joohyun at this time of night.

 

Hwang Eunkyung: Don’t forget your photoshoot in the morning. Also, I sent a new script over. The company likes this one. Audition is in the afternoon. Get some sleep!

 

Joohyun reads the text with a pinch between her brows. So much for a break, she thinks bitterly, firing off a simple okay to let Eunkyung know she’s read it and understood. 

 

“Everything all right?” 

 

Seulgi’s eying her with genuine concern, and Joohyun softens instantly at the sight.

 

“It’s nothing, just my manager reminding me of some schedules.” Joohyun rolls her eyes, throwing her phone somewhere in the front seat. “She told me to go to sleep.”

 

Seulgi nudges her gently. "That’s nice of her. You two seem close."

 

"We're not," Joohyun answers, a little too biting than is warranted. 

 

Seulgi's brows shoot up. "Oh, I just thought. She’s always looking out for you, and she seems to really care about you, so." 

 

"She's my manager, she has to care about me." 

 

Seulgi frowns, tugging softly at the fingers Joohyun didn’t even realize she’d been clenching. "Why do you do that?" 

 

"Do what?" 

 

"Act like you don't have anyone." 

 

Joohyun freezes immediately. She’s never done well when she feels attacked, and even if it isn’t Seulgi’s intention, she’s unwittingly poked at a sore spot. 

 

“Because I don’t, Seulgi,” Joohyun snaps, pulling her hands away from Seulgi and back into her lap. “I don’t have a group to worry about me like you do. My friends aren’t celebrities who live in the same city as me. I have a manager and I have staff and I have coworkers who only care about how pretty I look next to them. That’s it.”

 

Seulgi’s eyes narrow, more serious than Joohyun’s ever seen her. 

 

“That’s not true.”

 

Joohyun scoffs. “How would you know?”

 

Seulgi tugs at Joohyun’s arm until Joohyun’s forced to look at her. When she does, she finds Seulgi staring back at her with an emotion Joohyun’s too afraid to identify. She cups Joohyun’s cheek with her palm, and belatedly, Joohyun realizes that Seulgi’s eyes are glistening not from the effects of the alcohol but because she’s on the verge of tears. When she speaks, it’s with a promise, and Joohyun feels her heart stutter into a different kind of rhythm. 

 

“You have me.”

 

Joohyun doesn’t cry in front of other people, not if it isn’t acting, but it’s hard not to feel her heart twinge painfully at the tearful desperation in Seulgi’s tone. Her own eyes burning from the tears she won’t let herself shed, Joohyun shuts her eyes, afraid that she won’t be able to voice her fears while looking Seulgi in the eye. 

 

“But I won’t always.”

 

She feels the press of Seulgi’s forehead to hers, Seulgi’s breath against , like she’s trying to force Joohyun’s lungs to take her in so that Joohyun can keep a part of her inside. 

 

“You have me as long as you want me,” Seulgi whispers. “Isn’t that enough?”

 

No, it isn’t. 

 

“It is for now.”

 

Seulgi seems to accept the answer, kissing Joohyun in promise. It reeks of melancholy until Joohyun fists the collar of Seulgi’s shirt, anchoring her so that Joohyun can push up and forward, straddling Seulgi’s lap easily. She shouldn’t be doing this—not here of all places—but she can’t bring herself to reason her way out of this one. She wants to show Seulgi it’s enough. She needs to show Seulgi it has to be enough. 

 

It has to be enough, Joohyun tries to say with bold kisses down the hollow of Seulgi’s throat. It has to be enough, Joohyun thinks determinedly as she scrapes blunt nails against the firmness of Seulgi’s stomach until Seulgi is arching into her restlessly. It has to be enough, Joohyun wishes fervently, feeling Seulgi clench around impatient fingers, chasing all of Seulgi’s moans with a greedy swipe of her tongue. 

 

It has to be, or what else would Joohyun be left with? 

 

 

---

 

 

Hey, so there’s this concert—

 

Hi! So I was wondering if you wanted to—

 

Joohyun! Hi! I was wondering if maybe you’d want to go—

 

Seulgi sighs, phone dropping to her lap. She can kiss Joohyun backstage at an award show, make love to her in Joohyun’s own apartment, and let Joohyun take her in the backseat of her own car, but she can’t even ask her to go with her to go see a band they both like. 

 

It shouldn’t be this difficult. Seulgi’s asked Joohyun out plenty of times by now, but there’s something about this time. The official nature of it all, like going out somewhere that isn’t just a quick meal or a walk or a drive in the car changes things. Or maybe it’s just because Seulgi knows a concert equals a crowd and a crowd equals Joohyun likely to reject her. And while Seulgi may be strong, a rejection from Joohyun would still sting more than she’d like to admit.

 

Groaning, Seulgi leans back into her seat, covering her eyes with her arm. 

 

“Everything okay?” 

 

Her manager eyes her strangely, holding out a vitamin drink for her as he enters the van. She takes it gratefully, her energy dwindling from the lack of sleep her manager thought was noticeable enough to warrant a convenience store pit stop. Her schedules aren’t as intense as they usually are, but Seulgi’s still been forced into one all-nighter too many over the last few days as their comeback draws nearer. 

 

“Yeah, it’s nothing,” she waves off. She looks back at her phone as they pull back onto the road and bites at her lip. “Hey, after our comeback do you think we’ll be really busy?”

 

He eyes her strangely before shaking his head. 

 

“Depends on how well it goes. Probably not any busier than normal, though. Why?”

 

Seulgi shrugs, trying to be casual as she turns towards the window to stare at the passing buildings. 

 

“No reason. This band I like is having a concert, and I wanted to go.” 

 

“Oh? What concert? Who’s the artist? Do you want me to get in touch with them for tickets? I can make some calls—”

 

“Oppa,” Seulgi whines. “It’s fine. I’m not even sure if I’m going yet.”

 

He frowns. “Who’s the artist?”

 

“It’s just a band. They’re kind of indie; you won’t know them.”

 

“I see.” He nods. Seulgi almost wants to laugh at the tense expression on his face, but smartly refrains. “Well, let me know if you change your mind. I can get in touch for you.”

 

“I will. Thanks.” 

 

Seulgi smiles. Her manager always likes to err on the side of caution, but after being with Seulgi for the entirety of her seven year career so far, he’s stepped back on his coddling. Where once he might have felt like an overbearing dad, now he just reminds Seulgi of a protective older brother—there when she needs him but far enough away that she doesn’t feel stifled by his presence. 

 

“You should nap,” he tells her. “Filming today might be long.”

 

Seulgi nods, glancing at her phone once more before thinking better of it. She’ll just ask Joohyun when she sees her later, it’s more romantic to do it in person anyway, and Seulgi’s nothing if not a firm believer in the power of romance.

 

The short nap is largely unsatisfying and Seulgi has to stifle a yawn as she enters and is immediately brought to get her hair re-styled and her clothes changed. She wonders if Joohyun is already here as her hair is combed and straightened, another stylist wandering over to fix Seulgi’s eyeliner, and debates texting her. Before she can though, Joohyun’s raucous laughter filters in through the walls, and Seulgi smiles at the sound of it, always charmed to hear the evidence of Joohyun’s happiness. 

 

“Hey,” she greets, finding Joohyun already dressed and ready on set. 

 

Joohyun looks comfortable in her sweater and skirt. Her hair is down, styled carefully to fall in waves around her shoulders, and Seulgi can’t help but marvel for just a brief moment. 

 

“Hey, yourself.” She eyes Seulgi carefully, Seulgi squirming when Joohyun’s eyes linger just a bit too long on her exposed collarbones. “You look nice.”

 

“Not as nice as you,” Seulgi promises, delighting in the blush it earns her. Around them, the staff is still busy preparing. The camera director is still fixing the rig for his camera, while the lighting director is staring thoughtfully at the overhead lights. Finding the opportunity in this chaos, Seulgi leans towards Joohyun. “While we’re still free, can I ask you something?”

 

Joohyun looks at Seulgi quizzically, but nods. “Sure.”

 

Confronted with the very real possibility of asking has Seulgi hesitating, rethinking her strategy of deciding to do this now rather than later. 

 

“Hey,” Joohyun calls, tapping Seulgi on the waist briefly. She smiles surely, quelling some of Seulgi’s unease. “You know you can ask me whatever.” 

 

Squaring her shoulders, Seulgi nods decisively. Even if Joohyun says no, it wouldn’t be the worst thing. Seulgi’s already been rejected by her before, how much could one more hurt?

 

“So you know that band we both like—” 

 

“Joohyun.” It’s Joohyun’s manager, her expression dark as she approaches them. Seulgi can see Joohyun tense at the sight of her, and Seulgi has to resist the urge to reach out and soothe her. “I need to speak to you.”

 

Joohyun offers Seulgi an apologetic smile, brushing Seulgi’s arm briefly as she passes. 

 

Seulgi follows them as they go, feeling strangely nervous as she watches them converse in low tones off to the side. Joohyun’s brows pinch together as her manager speaks to her, mouth close to Joohyun’s ear in a hushed whisper as she hands Joohyun her phone. Instantly, Seulgi sees Joohyun’s expression darken when she stares down at the screen. The sight has unease tickling hotly in Seulgi’s stomach, made worse by Joohyun meeting Seulgi’s gaze only to turn away quickly. 

 

They only speak for a moment more before Joohyun’s turning away, walking back to Seulgi with measured steps. Her face is neutral now, and Seulgi’s never resented Joohyun being an actress more than she does now because she can’t read Joohyun at all.

 

Seulgi wants to ask about it, but before she can, the director calls for them to start. Joohyun brightens automatically when he approaches, and it’s all Seulgi can do but follow her lead. She turns off all the noise in her head and focuses on her job. She’s an idol. She hasn’t been working at this for over a decade to not be able to shut everything off in the name of being a professional. 

 

It’s one of the easier shoots Seulgi’s ever done if she’s being honest. The concept is simple enough, and even though Seulgi feels anything but at ease when she looks at Joohyun, there’s nothing difficult about walking towards Joohyun and purposefully brushing against her shoulder. She stares into Joohyun’s eyes, not even needing the director’s instruction to meet them with intensity, and Joohyun matches her stare accordingly. They only need a couple of takes before they’re finished and they move onto Seulgi’s solo shots, but it certainly doesn’t feel like enough with how Seulgi already misses Joohyun’s eyes on her.

 

Seulgi doesn’t even have time to pull Joohyun aside and talk to her, Joohyun already stalking off back to her dressing room as soon as the director says she’s no longer needed for the moment. Seulgi can’t even look at her walk away, quickly getting distracted as the director details his directions to her.

 

Seulgi listens to it all carefully, even though she can feel her mind is far away from the moment, but it goes smoothly nonetheless, and Seulgi’s able to finish quickly.

 

As soon as it’s over, and Joohyun’s called to return, Seulgi feels her shoulders fall, a sinking feeling weighing her down at the hard set of Joohyun’s jaw and the empty glint in her eye. 

 

“Are you okay?” Seulgi whispers once Joohyun is near enough, but Joohyun just shakes her head.

 

“I’m fine.”

 

She doesn’t offer anything more, and Seulgi doesn’t try again. The director comes to them to instruct them of what he wants, the kinds of emotions he wants them to convey, and how the camera will move around them. They’re only showing off the brand’s latest shoe, and this part doesn’t require much, just simple posing and walking next to each other. Even with Joohyun tense beside her, Seulgi has to admit that she finds it impressive how easily she’s able to fake happiness. 

 

“You two go really well together,” the director notes, nodding to himself as they all monitor what they just filmed. “You have great chemistry.”

 

Normally, Seulgi might preen at the compliment, but beside her Joohyun is frozen, nothing unyielding in her expression. Seulgi bites at her lip. 

 

“Thank you,” she offers quietly. 

 

“This came out really well,” he continues, seemingly unaware of the tension rising between the two stars. “We’ll take a break, and then we’ll do Joohyun’s parts.”

 

Joohyun’s the first to walk off with barely a bow in his direction, and Seulgi follows hurriedly, chasing after Joohyun for reasons she’s still unsure of. 

 

“Joohyun,” she calls, though it goes expectedly ignored. “Joohyun!”

 

Joohyun’s dressing room is thankfully empty, and Seulgi doesn’t think as she steps inside and shuts the door. Joohyun’s shoulders are hunched as she stands in the center of the room, and for the first time since they’ve started whatever it is they’ve started, Seulgi is afraid to reach for her. 

 

“Joohyun?”

 

Joohyun is silent as she moves for her bag on one of the tables. She pulls her phone out, typing on it without a glance in Seulgi’s direction, and Seulgi wants to scream. She wants to shake Joohyun by the shoulders and ask her what’s got her like this. She wants to ask why Joohyun is afraid to even look at her. 

 

“They know,” is all Joohyun says, handing her phone over to Seulgi with a vacant look in her eye. 

 

There’s pictures of them. Not very many but enough. They hardly even tell a story from the looks of it. Just two girls out together, sharing a quick meal. Seulgi recognizes the hats they’re both wearing, the jacket she has on, and knows this was from the other night at the Chinese restaurant. The last is a picture of them both, exiting the restaurant with their shoulders pressed together, blurry but undeniably them. 

 

“These are fantaken,” Seulgi says, willing her fingers not to shake as she hands Joohyun her phone back. “This isn’t a news site.”

 

Joohyun shrugs. “They’re everywhere.”

 

“But it’s not—” Seulgi cuts off, breathing deeply to calm herself. She needs to be rational because clearly Joohyun isn’t at the moment. “It’s just some fans who probably saw us and recognized us. It’s not a big deal.”

 

It’s the wrong thing to say. Seulgi knows it as soon as it leaves , but she can’t take it back nor can she stop the furious way Joohyun whips her head towards her, eyes alight with more than just bitter resignation. 

 

“Not a big deal? Maybe not for you. Today it’s fans, tomorrow it’s Dispatch, and who knows what position they’ll find us in then. God, Seulgi,” Joohyun hisses, “what if those fans followed us back to the car? Where we—”

 

She doesn’t need to say it. Seulgi remembers exactly what happened in the car, and where once the memory might have made her blush in want, now it just makes her bow her head in shame. 

 

“Do you know what happens then?” Joohyun continues, voice harsh enough to make Seulgi feel like she’s being scolded. “When they send compromising photos to my company, and my company calls me in to tell me they won’t protect me? I’ll be done, Seulgi.” She scoffs, crossing her arms. “But sure, it’s not a big deal.”

 

Seulgi purses her lips. She knows Joohyun is upset. She knows that this is years worth of pent up frustration at their industry and the position Joohyun has found herself in again speaking. It doesn’t have anything to do with Seulgi or Joohyun’s feelings for her. But even knowing that, it’s hard not to feel that sting of hurt and the way it threatens to build around the corners of her eyes. 

 

“Dispatch wouldn’t reveal photos like that,” Seulgi tries. “They know what it would do, and even if they tried to, my company would block it. They’d protect us.”

 

“You mean they’d protect you.”

 

Seulgi shakes her head, determined to make Joohyun listen to her. “Us. We’re in this together.” 

 

Joohyun won’t meet her eyes, but Seulgi takes tentative steps towards her anyway. Joohyun doesn’t move when Seulgi reaches for her hand. Her skin is cold and clammy, and Seulgi feels desperately like she’s losing someone who’s right in front of her. 

 

“Aren’t we?” Seulgi asks, voice beginning to break. 

 

Joohyun slips away from her. 

 

“Seulgi,” Joohyun whispers, stepping back. She’s not crying, her voice doesn’t shake, and Seulgi knows immediately what Joohyun is about to do. “I’m sorry.”

 

Seulgi’s nails dig into her palm, a painful reminder that this isn’t just a nightmare she’ll wake up from. 

 

“Is this you choosing then?” 

 

It’s foolish to ask something she already knows the answer to, but maybe Seulgi is a masochist because she needs this. She needs to hear it from Joohyun’s own mouth. 

 

Joohyun’s lips part then close. The first time in this conversation, Seulgi’s seen her look uncertain. 

 

“I told you that it was too risky since we worked together.” Joohyun shakes her head, speaking more to herself now than she is to Seulgi. “I knew it, but I still thought—” She sighs deeply, palming her forehead tiredly. “I should have known better. I was reckless; I’m sorry. It’s my fault. In the car, at the Golden Disc Awards, I shouldn’t have—I should have known better.”

 

“Please. Just answer me.”

 

Joohyun’s eyes are bright, fierce with some kind of determination like she’s preparing for a battle even though she’s already beaten Seulgi down to her weakest state. 

 

“I won’t do what she did to me, Seulgi. I won’t turn everyone against you.”

 

“I didn’t think you would.” Seulgi’s voice finally cracks. She can feel her eyes burning from the tears gathering there, and she knows she’s doing a horrible job of holding them back because Joohyun’s expression finally crumbles. Seulgi gives her a bitter smile. “That wasn’t even my question.”

 

Joohyun reaches for her, but Seulgi turns away, knowing that if she stayed she’d only break from the look in Joohyun’s eyes. She doesn’t want to know that it’s hurting Joohyun as much as it’s hurting her. For once, Seulgi doesn’t want to have to be understanding of the situation. She’s heartbroken, and she wants to feel it.

 

As she leaves Joohyun’s waiting room, tears spilling onto her heated cheeks, Seulgi can’t help but wonder if this is how Joohyun must have felt all those years ago, when the actress she liked decided she wasn’t worth it anymore.

 

 

---

 

 

Joohyun’s still frozen in the middle of the room, when Eunkyung enters. She feels numb, like every nerve in her body decided to shut off after Seulgi’s tearful departure. Joohyun made her cry, and the worst part is knowing that this probably wouldn’t be the last time. How good could they really be for each other if all Joohyun does is hurt her?

 

“Was that Seulgi I saw in here?” It’s not really a question so much as it is an accusation. Joohyun can barely find it in her to give into the upset in Eunkyung’s tone. 

 

“Yeah.” 

 

Eunkyung exhales loudly. “I thought I told you to be careful.”

 

At that, Joohyun finally blinks into focus. Eunkyung’s face is stiff with thinly veiled disappointment, and Joohyun can’t help it. She’s hurt and she’s angry and she needs to take it out on someone because she can’t keep directing it all at herself. 

 

“I was.” 

 

“Then explain to me what’s happening here.”

 

Joohyun clenches her fists to the point of pain, but she can barely feel it, too numb towards anything that isn’t her heart beating painstakingly for someone she doesn’t feel she deserves to have come back. 

 

“I already explained to you. We went out to eat, some fans probably saw us, and then—”

 

“That’s not what I meant.”

 

Joohyun bites at her lip, no longer able to keep herself from snapping. 

 

“Then what did you mean? And tell it to me directly for once because I’m really starting to get tired of all your back and forth.”

 

“My what?” Eunkyung scoffs. “I told you from the beginning that I was behind you on this as long as you were careful, and this”—she points down to her phone—“this isn’t careful. And now Seulgi is walking out of your dressing room in tears where anyone else could have seen her, so you’ll have to forgive me if I’m beginning to feel like I should rescind some of that trust I gave to you. Clearly, you can’t handle it.”

 

“I can handle it,” Joohyun grits out. “I am handling it.”

 

“Sure you are.”

 

“Then tell me what to do, damn it!” Joohyun demands, voice rising into a desperate yell. It shocks Eunkyung enough into a stunned silence, but Joohyun pays no mind, barreling on now that she’s no longer able to contain any of that lingering anger she’s been holding onto all these years. “Because I don’t know anymore. I wasn’t careful, and I got my heart broken. I’m careful, and I still feel my heart breaking, so tell me. What am I supposed to do because I’m tired of believing that I have to be alone for this to work. I’m tired of having to choose between everything else and my career because I’m starting to think I haven’t been making the right choice. Not when it hurts this much.”

 

“Joohyun, I—”

 

“Forget it,” Joohyun snaps. She rubs at her cheek, feeling something tickling there, and it’s only when her hand comes away wet that Joohyun realizes she’s crying. The first in a long time she’s let herself do so in front of someone without a camera around to capture it. 

 

“Joohyun, that’s not what I…” 

 

Joohyun turns away from Eunkyung, dabbing at her eyes with a tissue even though the tears continue to fall anyway. It just smears her makeup, leaving dark smudges along the curve of her cheek. Frustrated, Joohyun throws the tissue away, fingers curling tightly as she shuts her eyes and tries to regulate her breathing. She still has to finish filming; she can’t be affected like this now. 

 

“Did you really think you had to be alone?” Eunkyung asks after a long, pregnant moment, so quiet that Joohyun has to strain to hear it.

 

Joohyun’s eyes snap towards her, but Eunkyung’s head is bowed, vulnerable and shaken. Joohyun’s never seen her like this, and she can’t help but feel like it’s all wrong. The only person that was supposed to be hurt from her choices was Joohyun. Seulgi too, but that was just collateral damage wasn’t it? 

 

It’s not supposed to be like this.

 

“Eunkyung…”

 

A quiet knock interrupts whatever Joohyun was about to say. Haewon and Kyungri poke their heads in hesitantly, entering only when Joohyun gives them a short nod. They look between the two of them briefly, but in an uncanny show of restraint, neither comment.

 

“Filming will resume soon,” Haewon tells her, gentle as she guides Joohyun into the makeup chair. She smiles warmly at Joohyun, careful as she thumbs away the last of Joohyun’s tears still clinging to her eyelashes. Behind her, Kyungri squeezes soothingly at Joohyun’s shoulders. “Let’s get you fixed up, hmm?”

 

They reapply Joohyun’s makeup and fix the wayward strands of Joohyun’s hair, never asking about what happened and doing their best to redirect Joohyun’s attention with their casual conversation. Some time during it all, Eunkyung slips out of the room, but no one mentions it and Joohyun wills herself not to care. 

 

They’d be fine. Eunkyung is just her manager anyway.

 

When they’re done, Joohyun looks completely normal, and not like she’d just had the worst breakdown of her career. Joohyun can do nothing but thank them, grateful that she wouldn’t have to return to set with remnants of her broken heart on display for all to see. For Seulgi to see.

 

Not that it matters.

 

When she arrives on set, Seulgi is nowhere to be found. Even as the director calls for everyone to get ready, Seulgi is still distinctly missing. It’s not like her. Joohyun knows for a fact that Seulgi prides herself on her professionalism more than anything. No matter the circumstance, she wouldn’t just disappear like this without saying something. 

 

“Excuse me,” Joohyun calls to one of the production assistants. The PA looks a little starstruck to be talking to Joohyun directly, and Joohyun uses that to her advantage, smiling charmingly at her. “I was just wondering where Seulgi is?”

 

“Kang Seulgi?” she repeats slowly like she’s unsure she should be allowed to say the name at all. “She left a little while ago.”

 

Joohyun’s brows furrows. “She left?”

 

The PA swallows noticeably, no doubt taken aback by the sudden shift in Joohyun’s tone. Joohyun just fakes a grin to calm her, and she does, smiling nervously back at Joohyun. 

 

“Yeah, all her parts were done for the day, so she left. She was only going to stay for possible re-shoots, but they said that could be done another day if needed. Did you need something from her?”

 

She doesn’t ask it assumingly, but Joohyun just shakes her head, no longer able to keep up this charade now that this knowledge has just been dropped on her. 

 

“No,” she says, voice losing all of its pretend enthusiasm as the fight all but leaves. 

 

She did this to herself after all. Who is she to be upset by Seulgi wanting to be the one to walk away now? 

 

“I don’t need anything from her.”

 

 

---

 

decided to add a third part because i hate myself. thank you all for reading.