Have you guys heard anxiety?

Does any of you know how it feels to have it?

I can’t remember when did I started having this,

The only thing that I know, it was sudden.

It was like my brain chemistry had changed.

 Something didn’t feel right. Something felt off.

This is not something that I can handle.

When I refer to my anxiety.

I’m not simply talking about my fears

or situations that make me nervous.

I’m not talking about the kind of anxiousness

that everyone experiences throughout their life.

 I’m talking about generalized anxiety disorder

It is a mental condition that affects nearly

every aspect of my life in one way or another.

Some of you probably noticed my nervous behaviors.

But no one really noticed how I’m bailing on plans last minute.

Making excuses to stay at home.

 Chewed my nails and cry myself to sleep.

Shortness of breath, restlessness,

fearing new situations, the inability to go to places alone, and panic attacks.

When no one is around me. I turned from an outgoing person into a shell.

The loudest person in the room to the quietest.

The most motivated, determined person to one who worried that I didn’t deserve anything.

It turned me into a person who questioned everything.

Not just about myself, but others too.

It forced my mind to constantly tell me that I wasn’t good enough.

That I wasn’t worth anything.

That I wasn’t good at my job.

That I wasn’t good at my hobbies.

That I wasn’t a good friend.

It fills my head with thoughts about whether my friends truly likes me,

whether my relationships are real,

and whether I’m too much work to be loved.

It makes me feel like I’m being stared at by everyone in the room,

even when nobody’s looking.

It chokes me up and makes me obsess over my words.

‘Did that come across badly?’ ‘Did I say that wrong?’ ‘Did I upset them?’.

It makes me feel guilty for things nobody else would feel guilty for.

It makes me feel like everyone’s watching even when they are paying no attention.

It makes me feel like when I’m in a crowded room, I am being suffocated.

It makes me want to leave when something is only just getting started.

It makes the nighttime hard.

What used to be an easy process of having a bath and going to bed has turned into checking every lock,

 if the oven is off and if the plugs are unplugged

because I fear for my safety even though I’m not alone in the dorm.

It makes me scared to be alone at night in case something goes wrong.