Jinah, Jinsoo, Nova, and Noah. They were all her. How did it come to this point? She always wondered. They knew ... she wanted to tell herself that she was doing a good job, but they clearly knew. They all knew. The male trainees never invited her out, never called to practice with them,  no one wanted to pair with her when showcase day came, and no one listened when she sang. The only reason she was there was because of her aunt who was an executive at SM. Bae Aera ... her father’s sister. 

Noah didn’t know anyone in her family here. She moved to Malaysia when she was fairly young and only stayed in touch with her aunt and grandparents. She wanted to believe that they were the only two people who knew of her facade, but on day one, Yuta had caught her and made it public that she was a girl to the rest of the trainees. 

With the way her track record was going, it was a surprise that she wasn’t kicked from SM entertainment yet. It was obviously her aunt’s doing once again that she ended up in SM Rookies. While Seulgi was singing carols in the street to promote herself, she was being held (hostage) in the practice room till she was on beat during bassbot. 

He knew, Lee SooMan. He always knew.  Somewhere in her heart, Noah blamed her aunt and him for working together to bring her to this point. She didn’t hate her life. She enjoyed being on stage, she enjoyed the company of her members, and the pay was good too. But the rest of her life, was she going to be an idol forever? Was Lee SooMan going to make sure she wasn’t found out by the public forever? Would she ever have a chance at the normal, domestic life filled with love that she wanted? 

Funny that Noah spends so much time thinking about these questions because none of them had popped up when she was signing her life away in the contract. She wasn’t fluent in Korean yet, and her aunt obviously took advantage of this. Noah was gullible, her aunt pretty much sold her as an opportunity for SM Entertainment to have an extreme flower boy in the group to promote NCT. They were known for flower boys. Noah could pass for a flower boy, but Jinah’s self esteem would never let her believe that she could pass for a flower girl. If she wanted to be on stage, this was her only chance. She took it. She signed it. The first time she was backstage for SM Rookies’ concert, she froze. She couldn’t move. For the first time, she wasn’t just fooling male trainees for a day, she was about to lie to the public. This never sat well with her. Even today, Jinah wonders when she will be able to internalize this double life. Hannah Montana had it harder than Miley Stewart let on. 

“Hey, wake up,” she heard a voice. Pulling her out of her sleep and dreams. She opened her eyes, turning around, facing her manager. “If you want to take a shower before working out, this is your chance.” 

“What if I don’t want to workout?” She asked playfully, laughing. She had a good manager; it was one thing that she truly could appreciate. 

“That wasn’t an option,” he laughed back. 

“Why do people shower before working out? You have to shower later anyway,” she pointed out. Sitting up in her bed, taking the medicine and water that her manager handed her. 

“You don’t have to, it’s not like you smell bad,” he laughed, leaning close so he could pretend to sniff her. 

“Stop it!” She chided, swallowing her medicines. 

Looking to her left, Doyoung looked to be fast asleep. It was always a crazy feeling seeing him sleep. The way he looked so handsome all the time, it truly only came from getting that beauty sleep. 

She stepped off her bed, standing up and doing a quick stretch. “This dude yelled at me last night, told me I was being too loud while typing my report. Haechan was literally screaming next door while playing overwatch.” 

“I’ll yell at you right now if you don’t go out,” Doyoung said sleepily. 

“That’s so uncalled for,” Noah pouted. Her manager chuckled and stepped out, before following him, she took quick strides to where Doyoung slept, pulled his blanket off of him on this cold day, and ran out, giggling. 

She stepped into the living room, making her way to the washroom. The main door opened, and in came Taeyong. Her eyes darted to the clock on the wall, ‘7 A.M’. 

“You’re just now coming home?” She asked him. 

Clearly unlike Doyoung, Taeyong didn’t need the eight hours of beauty sleep. He woke up, and he just looked like an angel (or demon, depending on the vibe we want). How is he so handsome? I guess not all of us can be Taeyongs in this world. 

“Good morning,” he gave her a tired smile. “What are you doing up early?” 

“My schedule is jam packed today,” Noah cried. Taeyong stepped forward, patting her back whispering it’s okay in the most calm way possible. She wasn’t actually crying, but she would if Taeyong continued being nice to her. 

Noah lived on the edge. The edge of tears streaming down her face at any given second. She was tired, she was tired of lying, she was tired of playing this persona, mostly she was tired of not knowing when this would all end. She would end it if it came to it but she was scared of the unknown other side. 

“You should get some sleep, we have group practice in the afternoon,” Noah smiled at him. The other smiled and disappeared behind his room’s door. Single room ... lucky man. 

She had to remind herself again and again as to who knew her identity. Not to sound like a powerful scientist, but this information in the wrong hands could be catastrophic. 

Lee Sooman, Aera, grandma, dream babies, 127 boys, Ten, Kun, Lucas, her managers, her stylist, her doctor, her trainer and their dorm aunty. That’s it. No one else knew and no one else could know. The only reason these people kept their mouth shut was because of the non-disclosure agreement. She liked to think that Lee SooMan had a hitman out for them to ensure they don’t step out of line. That was her fantasy though, there was nothing but loyalty and a ransom of ten billion dollars keeping them from blabbing. She could live freely around them, but the second a camera or an unknown person stepped into the room, it was a binder and low voice for her. 

People believe what they are made to believe. Noah wondered when she would start believing what she was making others believe. Sometimes she couldn’t recognize the person who was staring back at her in the mirror, she would tell the others, but she didn’t want to be labeled an attention seeker. Especially when she was always getting unwarranted attention for being different. 

“Noah, breakfast is getting cold, hurry up,” her manager, Hwan, called out. 

Wiping her face quickly, she stepped out. “I’m going to put my skincare on, five minutes.” 

She rushed back to her room that she shared with Doyoung, opening her closet and putting on her creams, one by one. For the longest, she had a 14 step routine, but then they figured out those didn’t work on her. Now, she has a 3 step routine - prescribed medicated lotion, moisturizer and SPF. She changed her PJs quickly into light workout clothes before closing the wardrobe. 

She looked at her roommate again, he was sound asleep. All curled up, his blanket still hanging off the bed. Noah sighed, walking over and putting the warmth back on him again. He would do the same for her. She wasn’t evil, she wasn’t just about to let a man who yelled at her freeze. Doyoung had a good heart behind the snark, she loved him for it. Noah aspired to be Doyoung, carefree.

“Sleep well,” she softly wished before walking out with her phone.