15 years old

            “You'll never guess what I got us!”

            My best friend shook his head with a slight smile. I smile happily before I suddenly pull out and wave an American DVD at his face. Jinyoung’s eyes widen.

            “It's a drama from… Seoul?”

            “No, it's an American movie!”

            “, hide that!” he whispered with a smile, unable to hide his joy. “It probably doesn't even work here anyway, it's a scam.”

            “There's only one way to know.”

            I jumped on my bicycle and he jumped on the handlebar as if he thought the same thing as me. I pedaled until our apartment building and threw my bicycle at the entrance without taking the time to put a chain around it. I should have done it, because the next day, it was obviously gone.

            We pressed the elevator button like we were mad as we prayed for it to function properly this time. A few seconds later, power goes out, making us sigh at the lights flickering above us. It wasn’t the first time this week. I grabbed my friend’s hand, and we ran to the nearest staircase to run up six floors. The building inspector could not see us with a DVD.

            I unlocked the door quickly and yelled “Anybody home?” as I got in, even though I already knew my parents were not back from work yet. We never know.

            “Lock the door and turn the State's radio's volume up!” I told Jinyoung with excitement.

            “My cousin told me we should pull the curtain and cover ourselves with a blanket to hide the TV's light.”

            “Good idea.”

            As we waited for the power to go on again, we got the room ready in order to watch the movie discreetly. I felt the adrenaline taking over me. When the light turned back on, we set up the DVD player and the TV and we started the film after a considerable effort. The movie was of course in English, but I think Jinyoung and I managed to understand enough to find the ‘play’ button without too much trouble. We got closer to the screen and we sat cross-legged next to each other so that the blanket covers our heads and part of the screen.

            When I had chosen the film, I for sure was not expecting that. The movie told the story of a man in love with another one. We could hear ourselves gasping when the main character had kissed the other man. I did not know it was legal to show such a thing in a movie in America. I awkwardly looked down on the case to find the age limit, afraid that I had accidentally purchased a ography. No, all they did was kissing, it wasn’t … Right?

            While the credits scrolled down on the screen, the atmosphere grew uncomfortable between us. As for me, I thought the couple was cute. They reminded me of my parents. But Jinyoung… Jinyoung seemed nervous. He wouldn’t stop scratching his neck. I had to reassure him.

            “Sorry, I didn't know there would be… You know…”

            “I know, it's okay.”

            We remained silent, and I turned off the television to break the silence.

            “Jaebeom… you…”

            “Yeah?”

            “Never mind,” he breathed after hesitating.

            “No, say it,” I insisted as I lay my hand on his knee.  

            “You'll think I'm weird for asking, but… Do you believe it doesn't only happen in movies? Two men who love each other enough to do… this?”

            “It's not weird, I was wondering the same thing,” I answered with a laugh. “Actually, I think it's possible. I mean, if my mom loves my dad because he's kind and respectable, why wouldn't a man think of my dad as kind and respectable and love him too?”

            “But they can't… well, they can't have a family, they can't get married.”

            “Apparently in America, there are some places where men in couple with other men hang out, it's insane.”

            Jinyoung laughed upon hearing this revelation.

            “Why do they hang out? Aren't they afraid of the cops?”

            “That's what I thought too!” I answered with a laugh.

            “Jaebeom, how do we know if we're in love if we can't rely on the fact that we can only love girls?”

            My friend asked the question very casually, but I didn’t know what to answer, since I was wondering too. I was about to tell him I didn’t know, but I was interrupted by the sound of someone unlocking the door. Jinyoung and I immediately threw the blanket as far away as we could. The building inspector got in without knocking and looked at us with suspicion. She looked around and quickly understood what we were doing when she saw the DVD case on the floor. I stood up right away and ran after her, knowing very well she would snitch on us.

            “Ms. Kang, I am begging you, don't do this!” I said as I threw myself at her feet.  

            “I will be dealing with your parents, there are so many things they will need to pay for!” the old lady declared so damn loud.  

            I saw my friend dropping on his knees to grab Ms. Kang’s skirt, and I didn’t think twice before doing the same.  

            “Ma’am, please we won't do it again!”

            “I'll give you my parents money right now! I have cabbage in the fridge I will give it to you!”

            “I will do everything you want, please!”

            She stopped dead in her track trying to get a hold of her skirt back when she heard Jinyoung’s sobbing voice.

            “Ma’am, p-please… I-I don't have any fin-finger left to shoot, if I'm sent to the labor camp, I… and Jaebeom, Jaebeom must serve the country, i-if he commits an infraction, he…”

            Her face was still in an angry frowned, but it did not appear disgusted anymore. She looked at Jinyoung for a long time, giving me no choice but to look at him as well to see what she saw: a poor boy, in all ways of speaking, holding the fabric of the woman’s skirt loosely between his eight remaining fingers, his head so low tears did not roll down his cheeks before hitting the ground like rain. I wasn’t sure if he was acting anymore; I wasn’t sure he ever had.

            “Give me that CD.” She muttered, still looking at him. I didn’t move at first, until she looked at me and repeated angrily: “Give me that CD!”

            I rushed to the living room to get the case and the CD to hand it to her. Jinyoung was still on his knees, wiping his tears.  

            “Stand up, you pitiful thing. Stand up!”

            He puts a foot down, never lifting his head, and gets himself up. She grabs him by the chin to force him to look at her in the eyes.

            “This world swallows the weak, kid. You can’t afford to be weak; you hear me?”

            Without adding anything, she her heels and left with the film. My friend immediately walked down the hall to the stairwell to go home without taking the time to even look at me.

            That night, I couldn't help but think about the movie. When you think about it, why was it illegal to date guys? If my mom loves my dad because he's good and respectable, why can't a man see my dad as good and respectable and love him too? I had said this sentence to Jinyoung myself and yet I could not find an answer. Are these not the qualities that we look for in anyone? What makes us know that this person is the one I want to spend my life with? I knew I wanted to spend my life with Jinyoung. Without having to kiss or touch him, if marriage assured me that I could live in the same apartment as him, see him every day without exception, work with him and always have him by my side without being prevented by the law... Then I wanted to marry him. I didn't care about the children. I wanted some, yes, but I wanted to serve the nation first and foremost and that, I wanted to do with Jinyoung, like my parents do. Even though I knew Jinyoung couldn't serve the army anymore because of his injury… Just being able to imagine him coming home with me every day, even after high school, made me happy. My friend made me really happy. I didn't know what love was, but I knew that no woman could match the friendship I had for Jinyoung.

***

            Barely a week after the American film incident, a public execution was announced at seven o'clock on a Monday.

            I remember it was cold. Mom had a wool jacket, dad had a coat provided by the army, but Jinyoung and I were not allowed to wear a jacket on top of our white short-sleeved button-up shirt, because the school name must be visible at all time on our uniform. I intertwined my fingers in front of my body and squeezed to prevent myself from shivering. I looked down and saw that my fingers were red.

            “Look up!” my father whispered angrily. “No matter how uncomfortable, you must look, and promise yourself to never be that kind of trash who end up there. Jinyoung, your hands out of your pockets.”

            I glanced over at my friend who sighed heavily and clenched his jaw. Since his grandfather was blind, he didn’t have to attend, so it was agreed that Jinyoung would come with us. He lifted his chin slowly and dipped his head back to look at the sky, his eyes scanning it as if looking for something. I looked up too, to see nothing but whiteness, and a snowflake fell right in my eyes, making me blink out of reflex.

            “What are you looking at?” I whispered.

            “Something beautiful.”

            I let go of my own hand to take his, and I think I saw the corner of his mouth twitch before he looked down between us and took his hand back.

Finally, silence was requested. Two soldiers brought in the criminal, but I couldn't see his face as the crowd was huge, so much that I could hardly see what was going on in the public square.

            “Said Ms. Kang Jinhee was declared guilty of State betrayal, consumption of illegal foreign products and prohibited medias inciting illegal activities.”

            The declaration of the soldier ahead of the crowd felt like a stab, cutting my breath short. I slowly turn my head to look at Jinyoung, whose eyes were watering already, completely panicked. His heart was probably beating as fast as mine.

            “On this Monday September 22nd 2008, Miss will receive the sentence of the single weapon firing squad, which will result in death.”

            I didn’t want to see that. I didn’t. I didn’t.

            I heard Jinyoung breathing more heavily, but I couldn’t stand to look at him. I just wanted it to be over. It was all my fault.

All my fault.

            I wanted to look away, to close my eyes, to look up or down or left or right, but I couldn’t fix my attention away from the lady who had been responsible for my building since I was born, that middle age woman who would let things go for a bowl a rice and who never bothered us although she knew Jinyoung and I went against the rule by spending time in each other’s apartment instead of working on the train tracks with the others, that woman… who saved our lives to give away hers.

            No matter how uncomfortable, you must look.

            I swallowed a lump, and held my breath, and forced my eyes open as the tears flowed, blurring the vision of Ms. Kang looking at the crowd like she could see us while the soldier next to her filled his machine-gun with cartridges. He did so damn slow, and I needed air, I needed her to be dead so that we could go back to cleaning the monuments and pretend like it had never happened. The soldier positioned himself, and I heard gunshots, ringing in my ears, deafening me, and I closed my eyes shut as my dad dropped a hand on my shoulder and squeezed, but at the moment I barely noticed.

            Another series of shots. And I inhaled.

            A third one. And I exhaled in a repressed sob.

            Then, silence.  

            Silence never really feels natural to us, but that day I understood that in Korea it was not only unusual: it was forbidden. There was always the state radio playing somewhere, or children singing the patriotic songs. This silence in the crowd was just frightening. Not a breath of wind, not a car, not a bicycle, not a sniff, nothing. As if the whole world had stopped breathing with Ms. Kang. Everyone around me was looking at the ground. Jinyoung was still crying in silence. After those seconds which seemed like an eternity, we were asked to dispose, which broke the silence. Silence was forbidden to us. We shouldn't think too long about what we had just seen. Life had to resume, and it was resuming. People chatted and the cars started to move again. My mom came by my side, and swiftly wiped my cheek as we walked by home. And I thought, no one would wipe Jinyoung’s.

That day, I realized that something was wrong. Ms. Kang had just died before our eyes without anyone really wondering why. But I knew. I knew she was innocent. That day, I saw that our country was not as beautiful as I had always been led to believe, and that the Dear Leader was not always right. It left a bitter taste in my mouth before I went to sleep, but it was tolerable.