TW: Mention of abortion 

 “Park Jinyoung,” a loud voice awakened him with a start, or maybe it was the heavy English book that crashed into his desk with a loud bang. “I'm sorry if the class interrupts your beloved hours of sleep, but please don't fall asleep in class, out of respect for your peers who didn't go out clubbing last night.” Mark Tuan told him, adopting the serious tone Jinyoung had discovered he used just with him.

“Yes, I'm sorry,” Jinyoung hurried to straighten in his seat, bowing everywhere, feeling his ears get too hot. “It won't happen again, Professor Tuan, I'm sorry.” 

Mark gave him a somewhat confused look and, after taking back the heavy book that had crashed into his desk, he continued with the reading they were supposed to be taking notes on. Jinyoung tried to concentrate again, however, he saw the first three lines he had written and again his gaze was lost in the void. He was aware of Mark's gaze fixed on his back and his motionless hand, he knew he had to do the class exercise; however, his mind had no room to think of anything else. 

Mark turned to the front of the entire class, instead of continuing to walk among the students and Jinyoung could see that he was watching him with a tiny wrinkle on his forehead, and, to be honest, Jinyoung did not miss his reason. 

And the truth is, Jinyoung knew he had never looked so miserable. 

The paleness of his face had suddenly increased overnight and, from the night he discovered that he was pregnant, he had not been able to retain anything in his stomach. The slightest drink of water made him vomit twice as much as he had ingested; it did not help him that the night before was spent fully awake, thus the reason for his red and swollen eyes, for he was almost certain that he had shed tears until he fell asleep. And as if that wasn’t enough, there were deep dark circles under his usually lively, dark eyes  as his brain didn’t allow him to rest at all, filling his mind with irrational dreams or being too busy circling his last decision, because it was something too important and he didn't really know what to do.

However, Youngjae had appeared in his room at about 5 a.m., after hearing him sob again, and suggested that a decision of that size should not be made by him alone, but that he had to inform Mark, as it was not only his problem, it was up to them both, although, in the end, Jinyoung had the last decision.

Jinyoung knew Youngjae would do everything he could to prevent him from making that rushed decision, but as Youngjae had already told him, it was his body, it was his decision and he had the last word.

He felt his eyes become heavy, as if he had sand in them and, evidently, tiredness had played a bad trick on him due to the enormous exhaustion that the pregnancy made him feel besides spending the night awake, so his body had simply decided to fall asleep in the middle of class. And, apparently, even after waking up, he could not fully snap out of it, but how could he? his life had just taken a great turn and that was not easy news to digest or an easy decision to make regarding his future.

Suddenly and without any warning he felt Mark standing behind him. He felt his gaze nailed to his back and his motionless hand, being aware of how bad he looked and, when things in front of him began to get blurry because of tears accumulating in his eyes, he took a big breath of air, preparing to feel those tears that had not stopped shedding since the day before running down his cheeks once more, however, this time he was in class and not in the privacy of his room, and Mark was standing right behind him, so he rubbed his face hard, trying to contain a deep sob that would threaten to come out from the depths of his being.

“Park Jinyoung,” Mark called him once more and Jinyoung automatically shrank into his seat at the authoritarianity of his voice, “stay after class, please, I need to talk to you.” His voice was hard and instantly a general murmur was heard among his peers. Of course, his peers loved gossip and what better for them than the teacher, usually relaxed and uncomplicated, scolding and asking to speak after class with the top student of the entire major. 

The remaining 15 minutes of class seemed eternal for Jinyoung, and when Mark finally let the rest of the class go, Jinyoung already had his stomach knotted and his hands soaked in sweat. 

His feet felt like lead when he walked towards the desk where Mark was sitting, checking some of the class's work with a frown, and when he felt Jinyoung approaching him, he stood up heading for the door, verifying that there was no students straggling around the classroom and then he locked the door, letting out a loud sigh before turning around to confront Jinyoung.

“Something's wrong with you,” Mark told him; it was not a question. 

“Yes, something did happen to me,” Jinyoung replied, swallowing. “In fact, I need to talk to you.”

“Is it because I haven't called you this week?” Mark asked him, raising an eyebrow, and putting his hands inside the pockets of his pants.  

“No, it's not that, you know perfectly well I don’t…” Jinyoung had to stop at half the sentence because his voice had been cut by the knot in his throat that had started to tighten. “I don't care about that,” he replied, after clearing his throat. 

“So? You’re not like that, let alone in class. I know you well enough to know something's wrong with you.”

“And why do you care?” Jinyoung said dryly, letting out a somewhat mocking smile. Mark immediately hardened his expression, leaving behind the small concern on his face. “I'm just someone you , your weekend date,” Jinyoung continued, and his lip started trembling, a treacherous tear formed in the line of his eyes and he hurried to remove it from there, turning away from Mark's gaze.

“You had no problem when we started this, so I don't know what you want from me now. I don't know what’s wrong with you now.” 

“I'm pregnant, Mark, that's what is wrong with me,” Jinyoung told him, letting the phrase slip away with a big sigh, staring at him “and before you tell me you weren’t the only one I was ing, let me tell you something! Yes, I told you that it did not bother me that we weren't exclusive and that you slept with other people, however, I didn’t sleep with anyone but you.” Jinyoung added, letting those tears that he was trying to keep with all his being run, feeling totally pathetic. “So, before you tell me that it's not possible that you’re the father, I’m telling you I’m certain you are.”

Mark stood totally motionless, looking at Jinyoung as if he were cultivating an infectious disease, without reacting even a little. 

“And no! I'm not upset about that either,” Jinyoung exclaimed again. “I’m not upset… I’m just… I'm just scared, very scared. In short, this is something I didn't expect, it's something I didn't want and I feel too silly to have gotten pregnant, for having had an oversight of this size, but it's also not like this is all my fault, you know,” Jinyoung continued, this time sobbing eagerly, as he had not done for a long time and maybe as he needed it.

“I'm not saying it's your fault, Jinyoung,” Mark replied seriously and he stepped up to him, yet Jinyoung could not see that because he was rubbing his face hard. 

“And you have to be so charismatic and so... so you!” Jinyoung moved his hands frantically, wanting to cover Mark’s entire figure. “You made me trust you blindly. You made me trust that you were going to pull out on time, that the ing condoms worked, that nothing was going to happen for the day that we did it without a ,” Jinyoung hiccupped, “and that I didn’t have to worry because you were clean, as if STDs were the only consequence and that it should be my only concern when we didn't use a !” Jinyoung let out a giggle, running a hand through his hair. “And it felt so good to do it without a ,” he hiccupped again, “and I... I do not know what to do now... me... I... I've thought a lot, but Youngjae says that... he says I shouldn't decide anything without you... But don't... I didn't…” he began to breathe agitatedly, stuttering and getting engsing in his words. 

“Jinyoung, calm down. I need you to take a deep breath,” Mark stepped in, feeling Jinyoung's panic starting to get more intense, so he took hold of his shoulders and guided him to the chair at his desk and made him sit down.

Jinyoung inhaled deeply, realizing that he was too agitated and that he needed to calm down. The last thing he wanted was to make a fool of himself in front of Mark.

However, by breathing so deeply the smell of Mark's cologne flooded his nose, a smell that for him was always pleasant, that he loved. The fact that that smell permeated in his clothes and lasted with him until he took a shower and washed his clothes, a smell that usually aroused so many things in his being and, that day, aroused something completely new in him: nausea.

He tried to use the most  common method for nausea to pass, which was to breathe deeply. Obviously, this time it did not work, because by doing that, more of that smell, usually pleasant,  stirred his stomach more.

Jinyoung sensed Mark's panicked gaze before he grabbed the nearest trash can and brought it to Jinyoung, who leaned over it between coughs and gags. 

However, absolutely nothing happened, the effort of the gagging made his eyes tear, his stomach writhing painfully, but he vomited nothing. Maybe his stomach had finally run out of things to throw up.

“I hate this,” Jinyoung gasped, once the fit had finished, wiping the corner of his mouth with the back of his hand, trembling lightly and his forehead pearly with sweat. “I really hate this,” he dropped his head between his shoulders, thinking that things could not be worse. 

“Are you all right?” Mark asked, desperately searching his desk drawer for a bottle of water. 

“Are you really asking me if I'm okay?” Jinyoung asked him, putting one of his hands on his upset stomach “This thing you just saw happens every day and at all hours and for the dumbest things. I had to change my fabric softener overnight because they couldn’t put up with it,” Jinyoung said, breathing in fear, fearing that he would have another attack if he smelt Mark's perfume again. He could still feel the nausea, yet it seemed that the vomiting attack had stopped for the time being.

“How long have you known?” he asked, sitting in front of him at a considerable distance and giving him a bottle of water. 

“I suspected it for several weeks now,” Jinyoung accepted. “I took the test yesterday. Obviously it was positive. According to the test, I’m five to six weeks pregnant, they are…” he stopped in the middle of the sentence, he didn’t want to humanize it, it would be more difficult for him. “I’m still pretty early.” 

“Did you go to see a doctor?” Mark asked him, biting his lip nervously.

“No, I didn't really know how to react, you know? That's why I wanted to talk with you first.” Jinyoung rubbed his hands. 

“And you…” Mark cleared his throat. “Well, it is more obvious that you are pregnant, what are you planning to do?” Mark lathes his soft voice. “What exactly do you want from me?” 

“Only your opinion and to let you know of this situation,” Jinyoung shrugged. “I'll be honest with you, Mark. I hadn't really seen myself as a father, that thought had never crossed my mind. I mean, I like kids, obviously, I want to be a teacher, but whenever I see kids, they don’t awake that feeling of fatherhood. I know that I am not excessively young, but I think you’ll agree with me that we are not in the best situation,” Jinyoung shook his head and lowered his gaze. “I have always believed that if someone is going to bring a baby into the world it is because it is in a stable environment, because it will be born within a family...”

“Jinyoung...” Mark began, wishing to interrupt him. “We are not...” 

“I know,” Jinyoung stopped him in turn, “I know, Mark. We're nothing, you have no feelings for me, and I have nothing for you.” Jinyoung made sure to stare Mark in the eye, so that he could see that there was no lie in them. “I don't think it's fair to bring someone into the world in situations like this,” despite crying like a river the night before when he decided that, that day he was completely sure and his voice didn't shake a bit. “I don't want to bring anyone into the world like that, so I want to abort. I've decided I'm going to have an abortion, but this is not only me, Mark, so I ask you: what do you want me to do?”

Mark was silent for several minutes, his pupils moving from side to side, weighing every word, every situation, every scenario in the future. Jinyoung accompanied him in his silence, observing his mature features, breathing calmly, wanting to soothe the galloping heart in his chest. 

“You're right, it's not fair to bring someone into the world just because it's the right thing to do,” Mark said, pursing his lips and letting out a sigh. “And, at the end of the day, Jinyoung, it's you, it's your body, it's your decision. I, in this case, I'm just to blame him for all this.” Mark took one of his hands in his hands, squeezing them gently .“I'm so sorry that you have to make this difficult decision at your age, because it's something that's going to mark you for life.” Jinyoung put his head down again, he felt once more tears flowing through his eyes. When was he going to stop crying? “Do you want me to come with you?” 

Jinyoung bit his lip, staring firmly at Mark, carefully going over that question on his head, did he really want him there? It would be a very important moment for him, as well as something traumatic to go through completely alone, however, he did not know Mark Tuan really beyond the little they had spoken, the small pillow talk, the few things he had get to know of him, but still there was a whole lot of things he didn’t know about him. 

Jinyoung didn't know why Mark was in Korea, he didn't know his parents' name or even what his favorite movie or food was, just as Mark knew absolutely nothing about Jinyoung-- only the fact that he was 24, lived in the dormitories of the university, loved reading, was a top student and studied pedagogy.

Both were basically strangers, strangers who had met by chance and by some strange joke of fate had ended up in this situation. They had established very well in the beginning that there would never be more between them. Mark was not looking for anything formal and Jinyoung was too young to establish a relationship with someone else, he wanted to enjoy some freedom after being in a relationship for so long.  

“Don't worry, Mark,” Jinyoung finally said. “I just wanted to discuss it with you, that's all.” Jinyoung tried to smile at him. “I'm sorry the situation escalated this way, but this thing makes me feel horribly tired all the time and I couldn't sleep last night.” Jinyoung stood up and went to pick up his things. “I just wanted to tell you about this and the decision I made, and be sure that you agree with me, that’s all. I just figured it would be in a less stressful environment.” Jinyoung tried to smile at him, bending over to pick up his backpack from the floor. 

“Are you sure you'll be alright?” Mark asked, “you still look horribly pale and I know that process is not an easy thing, both physically and emotionally.”

“I'll be fine, don't worry. I'm sorry this happened.” Jinyoung told him, pursing his lips, “I think you'll understand that,” his voice threatened to break again, and Jinyoung sighed heavily, “you'll understand that I don't think it's possible to continue with whatever we had.” 

“I completely understand,” Mark said, standing up and walking up to him, his hand having a strange tick, as if he wanted to hold his hand. “I don't know exactly how much the procedure costs but have the full confidence to pass me the bill, I'll refund you.” Mark added, “it's the least I can do for you.”

“Don't worry, you've done enough,” Jinyoung said, his voice came out a little cooler than he planned and without saying more, he walked towards the door, “oh, by the way, Professor Tuan, I think I'll have to be absent from the class for a few days, but don't worry, I'll catch up immediately.” Jinyoung added before he left the room, returning to formal language, wanting to resume as soon as possible the relationship they had before that night at the bar and forget that bitter moment as soon as possible.

X

X

X

Going to that appointment completely alone had been a big mistake. 

He was totally terrified, uncomfortable, as if he were in a public place in an overly private situation and he wanted to run out of there as soon as possible. But that was not possible, because a medical consultation was necessary before proceeding with the abortion, because, as he had read quite a few times, it was not the same procedure in a woman as in a man and too many factors had to be taken into account.

Jinyoung had been too foolish to think that he could do it alone, but he did not want to disturb his friends with his things. Besides, Youngjae would persist in making him change his mind until the last moment and, knowing him, that could be a great possibility.

He observed the area around him. There were only two more people in that barren waiting room, a woman who looked too advanced, with a large belly that she caressed tenderly, Jinyoung could see in her the glow acclaimed by so many grandmothers. Next to her was a gay couple, looking excitedly at one of the pamphlets of the waiting room, one of them had a very small bump and both held hands tightly. 

Why couldn't that have happened to him several years later so that the enormous happiness that a pregnancy should cause was also reflected in his face? 

The nurse called him and startled him, which he disguised pretty well by standing up and walking into the office with shaky legs, where he was  greeted by a doctor dressed impeccably  with a big smile on his face.

“Good afternoon, sit down please, Mr. Park. Do we expect anyone else?” he asked, and Jinyoung shook his head and the doctor’s smile diminished a little. “Well, we can do it alone. Tell me, how can I help you?” 

“I...” Jinyoung started, he felt his throat horribly dry, so he swallowed saliva and started again. “I took a homemade pregnancy test, it said I'm about 5 to 6 weeks pregnant, that was a week and a half ago…” 

“Then we're just going to confirm it, excellent!” The doctor smiled again, but Jinyoung crouched down. 

“There's a reason  I come alone, Doctor,” Jinyoung said quietly. God, that sounded so much easier in his mind than in real life. “Is there still time for an abortion?” the doctor stopped smiling  immediately. “I read that it's possible until 12 weeks, however it's not that the test was reliable or not...as... there were several times when there were, well, when there was no protection so I don't know for sure whether the test was true or not.”

“Sure, I completely understand,” the doctor said in a serious tone, putting his hands together over the table. “Before we continue, Mr Park, I want to ask you something. Are you absolutely sure you want to move on with this?” He stared into his eyes and Jinyoung nodded, his teeth nibbling his inferior lip almost to the point of making it bleed. “Right, well, I'll ask you a series of questions about your overall health and then we'll do a full checkup and an ultrasound to know what the state of the fetus is, and if the abortion can be performed at once, it  would obviously have to be scheduled with the clinic and performed under general anesthesia, then I would recommend  contacting someone to accompany you at that time.”

Jinyoung nodded again, a strange hum in his ears had been presented; he answered the doctor's questions automatically without really paying attention. He knew it couldn't be like that, but he couldn't help but think that the doctor was judging him internally, perhaps calling him irresponsible or something like that. He had noticed the small raise in his eyebrow when he asked how many ual partners he had had and the frown that hadn’t left his face since he told him he was getting an abortion. 

Jinyoung wanted to get out of there as fast as possible.

The examination table felt cold under his skin. He tried to concentrate on something else, however, there was not much to help in his distraction  as all the walls were covered with diagrams and images of ultrasounds and illustrations  of the various stages of gestation. 

“What I recommend is that you don't see the images of the monitor,” the doctor told him, putting a cold gel on his abdomen. “It's easier that way.” Jinyoung nodded and closed his eyes, breathing deeply as he felt a slight pressure on his belly as the doctor started the ultrasound, feeling how he moved that little device on one side and the other of his belly, listening to several clicks of the computer. 

“By measurement you have about 7 and a half weeks,” the doctor told him, and it was as if an iron block was pressed against his chest, somehow or another he was waiting for the doctor to tell him that it was nothing in his womb and it was all product of some strange new viral disease. “Everything seems fine to proceed with the process,” Jinyoung felt tears slip between his closed eyes and a soft sob was heard in the room, “Jinyoung, I’m going to ask you again, are you completely sure you want to abort? Even if I tell you that there may be no complications, as it is a surgical procedure there will always be complications, complications that can affect your life forever, and I'm not just talking about physical stuff, as one of the many complications is that you lose the ability to breed, so forgive me for being so insistent on this, but, it's not a decision that can be made lightly.”

“I know...” Jinyoung said, almost speaking for the first time without being asked, he opened his eyes slowly, observing the bright lamp above him “I thought about it many times.”

“There is a possibility that you can no longer experience this, and I know I told you at the beginning, but, I always ask this to my patients, so, I ask you, please and if you completely agree, to look at the screen only once and then confirm for me whether or not you want to continue with the procedure.” Jinyoung sobbed harder. “And I tell you especially, Jinyoung, as not many patients that come in for abortions cry, or at least not in front of me,” the doctor's voice was soft and careful. “I understand that you are scared. If I were in the same situation as you I would also be scared. I have seen thousands of patients who come in here without knowing well what is going on and come out completely confident that this is the best decision, so, if you agree, please look at the screen and see the great miracle that is inside you,” the doctor sighed. “Listen to the heart beating, a heart  that is eager to live...”

The room, in which only the Doctor's voice and Jinyoung's soft whining had been heard, suddenly filled him with another sound, a sound that at first didn't make much sense to him, but soon the fast, rhythmic pounding, made him turn to see the screen immediately, observing that little bean happily swimming inside a bubble of something that looked like air. Right in the middle of the bean, from which one could perfectly distinguish the head of the little body, there was a somewhat blurry image  of something that moved frantically. Evidently it was the heart of that being that was inside him at that time, completely oblivious to all the suffering that Jinyoung was feeling, completely innocent and with a life of its own.

Jinyoung collapsed immediately. He was too afraid, but that little person was not to blame for anything.

"I'm so sorry, baby, forgive me, please forgive me,” Jinyoung whispered.

X

X

X

It wasn't the first time Jinyoung was in front of Mark's house, but it was the first time he  was there without prior invitation, so he hesitated several seconds to ring the doorbell. It didn't seem that there were unknown cars in the house, or signs that there was someone else inside, because only the slight murmur of the TV was heard, in which there seemed to be a variety show, as well as he could only hear Mark's laughter from afar. 

And yet he was a bundle of nerves when he did finally ring. To tell Mark that he was pregnant had been one thing, however, this was totally different, but it was too late to repent.  Mark had opened the door, dressed in an extra-large grey T-shirt and sneakers, his hair even slightly damp after taking a shower. The hair fell softly on his forehead in that relaxed style that Jinyoung liked more than his respected teacher appearance. It made him feel less guilty about having an affair with a teacher.

“Jinyoung! Is something wrong?” Mark asked, evidently surprised to see him standing there. 

“Can I talk to you?” Jinyoung this time did not go around. “I hope I’m not bothering you.”

“No, not at all. Please, come on in,” Mark told him, making way for Jinyoung to go in, still with a surprised face. 

“Today I went to the clinic,” Jinyoung said immediately after he passed the threshold and began to play with the sleeves of his hoodie, which completely covered his hands.

“And what did they tell you? Is it more expensive than you thought?  I'll give you the money, I don't have a problem with that, Jinyoung.” Mark hastened to  tell him, immediately starting to look for his wallet.

“I'm not going to do it, Mark,” Jinyoung told him after inhaling deeply. Mark turned immediately to see him with a frown. “I'm not going to have an abortion. I can't abort, God... I  don't   know how I even thought about it,” he took out the photo of the ultrasound that the doctor had printed for him. “I thought it was going to be easy, but... I don't want to think about the guilt I would have had for the rest of my life. I'm sorry if that's what you wanted, but, like you said, it's my body, it's my decision and  I've decided not to, because even though it's in my body, it's not exactly mine.”

“But Jinyoung, everything you said about a family...”

“I know, I still think about it, but abortion isn't the only solution to this, you know? There are couples who have spent years trying to have a child, or maybe in the end I do want to be a father and I want to risk being a single dad, I don't know. My parents will be so excited, that's for sure. I'm the first to have kids.” Jinyoung let out a giggle. “, I don't know what's going to happen, but I do know  that the abortion won't happen. You should have been there when I saw it... when I heard its heart beating, that is something… unbelievable, incredibly amazing.” Jinyoung exhaled. “I come here not to ask you something, not to demand something from you. I don't want us to live together, I don't want us to ‘try’ to raise this baby as a family that is probably going to fail, as many other people do. If you want to be a part of their life, go ahead. If you don't want to be a part of their life it's also okay, , we have at least six months to know what exactly we want and what's going to happen. There's no hurry, but I am telling you I'm going to have this baby, even if it's the hardest thing in the universe and I throw up everything I eat and the baby decides we don't like things we used to like, we're going to have to learn how to overcome this.” 

a/n 

let me tell you, when the muses are with me, fast updates occur, but when they don't...that's when not updating in more than four years happen (I know, I should be ashamed of my self) 

Anyways! Let me know what you think! I know the abortion and all that is a sensitieve topic, should I flag it as trigger warning? I don't really know what exactly can catalogue as TW but...still...let's just not discuss about that and rejoice in the fact that Jinyoung is a madre luchona 4x4 (hard to translate to english but those who know spanish know what I mean, especially latino spanish) 

Happy comeback! I know this is not the best comeback *sigh* but let still support the boys, we know that the only way GOT7 is still succeding is because of our work, so, let's appreciate this comeback still with all the adversities, especially because it's a Jaebeom's song! and Youngjae's year! ugh...I could say a thousand things more about this, but again, let's not get to much into that.

Let me know what you think! I love reading you in the comments! 

Thanks again to my amazing beta, Nina, I don't know what I could do without you! 

See you next time! 

Marie 

P.S, Do you want this baby to be girl or a boy? I always see Markjin with a girl...but I don't know...small poll!