Feelings .

Ryujin decided that she didn’t need such and she’s certain she doesn’t need someone to grow old with.

She’ll just be on her own like how it’s always been. She grew up not knowing how it felt to be with her own family, as she was orphaned when she was four years old. Her parents died when on a business trip overseas and relatives who she never met only wanted to take care of her because she was the sole heiress.

All she knew was, when she was seven years old, after being passed around to one relative to another, a close family friend of her parents agreed to take her in until she is of legal age. Because once she’s of legal age, she can finally take hold of her parents’ fortune ( and company shares). A company that was co-handled by the same family that took her in, the Hwangs.

“No man is an island.” Yeji, who was the child of the family friend that took her in, once told her. “You’ll eventually want to be with someone.”

She remembers scoffing when Yeji answered that after she snapped at her by shouting, ‘LEAVE ME ALONE, YOU’RE NOT MY FAMILY!!’ at her.

She skipped school and Yeji found her at the arcades, nagged her about skipping school and such.

She hates feelings. She dislikes the very thought of needing someone, so even when she grew up in the Hwang’s household, she kept to herself and made sure she never asked anything from them. Although, Yeji had other plans and kept asking her to pick what she wanted before Yeji picked hers.

When she turned nineteen, she wrote them a check, amounting to the cost they had spent to raise her, maybe even more, and a letter saying she’s basically leaving them the company because she wants nothing to do with it and then she moved out. Both, though, were returned to her by Yeji. “Don’t be silly, Ryujin. You’re like family to us. You don’t have to pay us back. And you don’t have to manage the company if you don’t want to, but your share is your share, okay?”

She’s still friends with Yeji, as the older forced the friendship on her, especially after she moved out. She constantly checked in on Ryujin, sometimes even following Ryujin to whichever club or bar Ryujin went to and took her back to her apartment when she was too drunk to even walk.

“Why are you here?” Ryujin asked her, one morning after. Yeji was in the kitchen, struggling. “Oh, hey you’re awake!”

“Why are you here?”

“I was gonna make you a hangover soup. You drank a lot last night.” Yeji explained.

“My head’s fine.”

“Oh, well I’ll make breakfast then.”

“Don’t want it, just go.” Ryujin rolled her eyes and went back to her room. Hours later, she went to the kitchen to get a glass of water and saw some food on the table and a note. ‘Even if you don’t want it, you still need to eat. Don’t worry, I ordered it. I realized I never learned how to cook. See you soon! - Yeji’

Ryujin doesn’t know exactly when she accepted Yeji as a friend, but one thing is for sure and that is she no longer tells her to get lost as much as she used to. In fact, she’s grown used to being with Yeji almost everyday.

Yeji even managed to get Ryujin to attend university, so that she could experience life as normally as she should (Yeji’s words) and even introduced her to some of her friends and this Jisu , in particular kept trying to get closer to her more than the others. Ryujin told Yeji about it but Yeji just laughed, saying “Maybe she’s just trying to get on your good side, Ryujin-ah. Don’t worry, she means well, I’m sure.”

“Chaeryeong and Yuna aren’t like that.”

Yeji nodded. “It’s just how Jisu is. Don’t think much into it.”

But it didn’t seem like that to Ryujin. Why would she even want to get on my good side anyway? Ryujin thought.

Jisu began greeting her ‘good morning’ with a Starbucks drink ever since that one fateful morning wherein they ran into each other at a Starbucks near their university and Ryujin said she likes having coffee in the mornings but almost always doesn’t have time to drop by Starbucks in the mornings. Ryujin, at first, tried to pay her but Jisu would always just smile and decline it. “Don’t worry about it, it’s just coffee, Ryujin-ah.”

One morning, Jisu wasn’t around but a running late Yuna came with a Starbucks drink in her hand and immediately handed it to Ryujin once she settled on the seat next to her, where Jisu would usually sit. Ryujin raised a brow. “Jisu unnie’s sick but not sick enough to threaten me into buying you this cup so early in the morning.”

Ryujin’s confused. Why was Jisu being extra nice to her unlike how Chaeryeong and Yuna was to her? It’s annoying her. It reminds her of Yeji.

“Ah, she says good morning by the way and hopes that you won’t miss her too much.”

Ryujin scoffed at Yuna and her eyes landed at the cup of coffee. Why is Jisu like that?

She confronted Yeji about it after class but all Yeji absorbed from it was, “Jisu’s sick?? Ryujin-ah, you don’t have class anymore, right? Can you go and check on Jisu for me? She lives alone, her family is overseas so no one would be around to take care of her. She must’ve not eaten yet.” Yeji was so worried. Ryujin sighed, what was she supposed to do with such friends?

Ryujin ended up doing exactly what Yeji asked her to do so, here she was, in front if Jisu’s supposed apartment building with take-out food and medicine. She sighed and entered the building, Yeji already told her which floor and door number, even the passcode. How did Yeji know that? She doesn’t know and she didn’t question. Maybe it was just a thing between friends? She didn’t know, because Yeji was the only friend she’s ever had and now she’s introduced to three others.

Ryujin knocked first but there was no answer. She’s already sent a message to Jisu saying she’s just outside her door but there was no reply too. So before letting herself in, she sent another text letting Jisu know, just in case.

She slowly walked into the apartment and placed the food on Jisu’s dining table, then went to look for Jisu. She found the older one wrapped like a burrito on her bed and yet even in that state, Jisu looked like an angel sleeping.

She cleared , thinking that maybe that would wake the older up, but she was fast asleep. She put her hand on the older’s forehead and Ryujin confirmed that Jisu indeed had a fever. She sighed and went back to the kitchen and returned with a tray of food she'd heated up.

She put it down on the bedside table and carefully woke Jisu up by shaking her. “Ryujin? How’d you get in here?” Her voice was weak.

Ryujin cleared . “H-hey. Yeji sent me since she still had classes.”

Jisu tried to sit up, Ryujin helped her up. “She said you might have not eaten yet.” Ryujin added and Jisu only nodded.

Ryujin fed Jisu and made her drink medicine, as per Yeji’s instructions.

After washing the dishes, Ryujin found herself sitting on a chair next to Jisu’s bed.

“Thank you, Ryujin-ah. I feel loads better.” Jisu broke the silence, she was lying on her side, facing Ryujin. “Don’t thank me, I was just sent here.”

Jisu smiled. “But you didn’t have to come if you didn’t want to.”

Ryujin gulped. That’s true.

Ryujin stood up. “There’s more food in the fridge, just heat it up for dinner. Also, don’t forget your medicine. Yeji will kill me if you don’t drink it. I’ll be going now. Just message or call if you need help, I live nearby anyway.”

“Okay.”

Ryujin was already walking towards Jisu’s bedroom door when Jisu suddenly called her name. “Ryujin-ah.”

She looked back. “Yea?”

“Thank you.”

Ryujin raised a brow. “You already said that.” Jisu nodded. “I know, I just wanted to say it again.” Another smile.

Her heart did something weird. Ryujin was confused. “Yea, okay. Bye now.” She said before hurrying her way out of there.

Why was her heart beating fast? Jisu always smiled at her, what made this one different? Ryujin didn’t know, she just hopes that it’s nothing serious.

Yeji called her a few hours later. “I just got home. How’s Jisu?”

“Huh? Why are you asking me?”

“Didn’t you go to her earlier today??”

“Oh.” Ryujin remembered now. “Yes. I fed her and made her drink medicine.”

“And?”

“I got bored so I left.” She lied, she heard Yeji on the other line, laughing. “Alright, well at least I know she has eaten and drank medicine. Did you tell her to call you if she needs help?”

“Yea, but if you’re so worried about her, why don’t you call her yourself?”

“I didn’t want to bother her if she was sleeping. Besides, you live nearer to her.”

“Right.”

“Thank you, Ryujin-ah.”

“Sure, whatever. Bye now.”

“Alright, bye Ryujin-ah.”

That night, Ryujin couldn’t sleep because images of Jisu’s smile flooded her mind. Why was she even thinking about Jisu and her smile??

The next time she saw Jisu again was two days later, Jisu was approaching them along with Yeji as they had a class together and Ryujin doesn’t know why it bothered her seeing the two together? But as soon as she met Jisu’s eyes, her heart was being funny again like the other day. What is this?

“Ryujin-ahh!” Jisu greeted her and hugged her, Ryujin just awkwardly stood in place and patted Jisu’s back before carefully removing Jisu from herself. “H-hey?”

Yeji smiled at them. “I’m glad you two are getting along well.”

Ryujin doesn’t understand why Yeji would say that about her with Jisu but never about her with Chaeryeong or Yuna.

So she tried to do something. For the next few weeks, she would let Yeji know that she’ll be hanging out with Chaeryeong and Yuna, but almost always Yeji would say, “What about Jisu?” like today.

She was on her way to meet Chaeryeong since she promised to accompany Chaeryeong shopping, when the other three declined because they claimed to be busy. Yeji called her while she was in the taxi. “What do you mean?

“I like that you’re spending time with Chaeryeong and Yuna but what about Jisu?”

She was speechless. Why did it matter? “I see her at school??”

“That’s it?” Yeji sounded mad. “Why are you mad?”

“I’m not. Just, I feel like you’re avoiding Jisu. Jisu might not notice, but I do.”

“...”

“I’m right, aren’t I?”

“I’ll talk to you later, I’m about to get out of the taxi.” She didn’t wait for Yeji’s reply and just ended the call.

Yeji’s only been mad at her once.

And that was when she told the older that she wasn’t going to attend college and then moved out of their house.

It was only once and it happened years ago, but Ryujin could recognize that tone any time. Yeji is mad. But why? Why would Yeji be mad that she’s avoiding Jisu?

“Sorry, I’m late.” Ryujin finally arrived at the place Chaeryeong told her to meet. “It’s okay, I just arrived too.” Ryujin nodded. “Let’s go?” Chaeryeong linked their arms together and smiled. “Let’s go!”

After a few hours, she and Chaeryeong decided to grab some lunch. “Is there something bothering you, Ryujin?”

Ryujin raised a brow. “How’d you know?”

Chaeryeong just smiled. “Is it about Yeji and Jisu?”

“Again, how’d you know?”

Chaeryeong laughed. “What about them?” Ryujin thought about it. “I don’t know. They confuse me.”

“How so?”

Ryujin took a deep breath. “Well, for starters, Yeji would make it a point that I tell her about everything, keep her on the loop about everything that happens to me. Which I do, because I have gotten used to it.”

“Maybe she just wants to make sure you’re okay. You two did grow up together, so she must treat you like family.”

“Yea but what I don’t get is, why is she forcing me to get along with Jisu? She would ask me, ‘what about Jisu?’ whenever I tell her I’m going out with you or Yuna. Jisu’s overdoing it too, with the morning coffees and being touchy, smiley and stuff.” Ryujin grunted.

Chaeryeong laughed again.

“What?”

“Nothing, I just think you’re cute when you’re frustrated.” Ryuin looked at her questioningly and before she could even say something, Chaeryeong beat her to it. “Relax, I mean that platonically.”

Ryujin laughed.

“Anyway, I haven’t known Yeji for as long as you do, nor with Jisu. But to me, they just seem like they care about you a great deal. Just trying to look out for you."

“I mean, I understand that from Yeji, but Jisu?”

“I can’t really tell for sure but, let’s consider this.”

“Consider what?”

“You’re new in the group, so naturally we would want to care for you. Yes, me and Yuna included. We just have different ways of showing it.”

Ryujin thought about it. Why didn’t I think about that?

She went home after dropping Chaeryeong off. She is greeted by Yeji waiting for her in her living room. Ryujin sighed at the sight. “What are you doing here?”

“You said we’ll talk later, now is later.”

Ryujin sighed again. “Sure, okay.”

“Why are you avoiding Jisu?”

“Why does it matter to you?”

Yeji bit her lower lip. “Because.”

[FLASHBACK]

“Yeji-yah. Remember Uncle and Auntie Shin?”Her mother asked after the bedtime story. She nodded. “Their daughter will be living with us starting tomorrow, okay? I want you to be a good big sister to her.” Her mother said.

She nodded again, she knew that the people whom she calls Uncle and Auntie Shin were her parent’s close friends but they died a few years ago, she did wonder what happened to the kid and now she got her answer. She smiled to herself,  “She’s going to be a Hwang and I will take good care of her.” Her mother chuckled at what she said but didn’t say anything and just tucked her in for the night. “Good night, honey.”

“Good night, mommy.”

The next day, the kid Shin stood in front of her, she smiled at her but the younger just stared at her with no emotion. “I’m Yeji and I’ll be your big sister from now on.”

“Sure, whatever. You will just pass me on to another family after a few months anyway.” 

She didn’t understand what the baby Shin meant but her mother told her that her name is Ryujin and that she has to be patient with her because she’s been moving a lot for the past few years.

She always put Ryujin first, no matter how small the matter was. She made it so that Ryujin was priority and she came second. She wanted to be the best big sister for Ryujin. But no matter what she did, Ryujin didn’t show her any sign of warming up to her. Ryujin was just detached.

She remembered this one time during middle school, she almost snapped at Ryujin because she caught Ryujin skipping school but had to cover up for her when a teacher noticed.

“Mom, why does Ryujin hate me so much?” She asked her mom that night. “I had to lie to her adviser today. She skipped classes.”

Her mom sighed and hugged her. “Honey, I’m afraid it has nothing to do with you.”

“What do you mean?”

They were both teenagers already. Her mom sat her down and said, “Yeji, I want you to understand that Ryujin lost her parents at a young age and had to move from one relative to another because they all tried to get their hands on her fortune.”

Yeji understood. Uncle and Auntie Shin were her parents' business partners, so naturally, Ryujin would be rich like her. “I see. She thinks we’re the same as those people.”

Her mom sadly nodded. “I just want you to look out for her so that she doesn’t go too far astray. It’s the least we could do for her parents, we owe them too.”

Yeji nodded. “I will.”

After years of trying to get Ryujin to warm up to her, she finally did so but it was after Ryujin had already moved out.

[END OF FLASHBACK]

“Because.” Yeji repeated, Ryujin just waited for what she had to say.

Yeji exhaled before saying. “Because I like Jisu.”

Ryujin raised a brow. That caught her by surprise. “What?”

“I like Jisu.” Yeji repeated. “And I want you to like her too.”

Ryujin’s forehead creased. “If you like her, why are you pushing her to me?”

Yeji smiled. “Because you come first, Ryujin-ah.”

Ryujin sighed, she didn’t realize that Yeji was still doing that. “Yeji, we’re not kids anymore. You don’t have any reason to put me first.”

“Do you like Jisu?” Yeji suddenly asked, making Ryujin flustered. “What?”

“Do you like Jisu? Is that why you’re avoiding her? You’re developing feelings for her? Don’t avoid her, Ryujin-ah. Please, for my sake.”

Ryujin closed her eyes. She can’t handle this anymore. “Yeji. Stop.”

Yeji frowned. “But-”

“Go home, Yeji. I’m tired.”

Yeji sighed and gathered her things and walked towards the door. Before walking out, she turned to Ryujin once again. “We’ll talk about this again soon, okay?”

Ryujin just shrugged and went to her room.

Feelings .

Ryujin remembers why she never wanted any. She feels stuffy and it makes her head hurt.

Why did Yeji even have to do that? Why does Yeji keep putting Ryujin first even at the cost of her own happiness?

She couldn’t sleep.

Not when her head is full of thoughts that she can’t seem to organize.

She decided to go out and walk around to get her mind off such things. She was about to pass by a playground when she heard a familiar voice. “Ryujin?” she turned to the voice and unfortunately for her, it was the person she least wanted to run into that night. “Jisu.”

Jisu smiled and approached her. “Hey, fancy seeing you tonight.” Ryujin faked a smile. “You too.” They unknowingly walked together and found a nearby bench. Jisu asked if they could sit there for a while and Ryujin just nodded.

“You’ve been avoiding me.” Jisu suddenly said, Ryujin turned to look at her. “It’s okay, I guess I’ve been overdoing the whole befriending you, haven’t I?”

Ryujin chuckled. “So you’ve noticed.”

Jisu smiled. “Sorry, I just wanted you to like me.”

Ryujin’s forehead creased. “I know you mean a lot to Yeji. She treats you like a sister. She always talked about you with such pride and fondness so when I heard that we’ll be meeting you soon, I wanted you to like me....” Ryujin raised a brow but Jisu didn’t say anything more nor did she look at her. She just looked at the stars above and smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. “But feelings are tricky and shouldn’t be played with.”

It took a while but it eventually clicked with Ryujin. “You liked Yeji and you were trying to get close to me because you wanted to look good for Yeji.”

Jisu nodded.

“But, while doing so, you ended up liking me instead?”

Jisu nodded again and weakly smiled.

“Does Yeji know?”

Jisu shook her head. “Are you and Yeji okay?”

Ryujin shrugged.

“But you two will be, right?”

Feelings, it’s like a rabbit hole, Ryujin decided. This just kept getting more complicated than it should be.

Ryujin took a deep breath. “Don’t worry, we will be. We’re family after all.”

“I’m sorry.”

Ryujin shook her head. She thought that Jisu had nothing to be sorry for, for she cannot control her feelings, no one could. And although Ryujin knows that she feels the same for Jisu, she can’t help but think about what Yeji has so selflessly done. Giving up her chance, just like that. She hates it, even when they were young.

“I’m sorry too.”

Jisu nodded. “I’d seen this coming, with you avoiding me and such but I can’t lie and say that getting rejected doesn’t hurt. Even when you haven’t really said it yet.”

Ryujin didn’t say a thing.

“Can I ask a favor from you?” Jisu asked. Her eyes were already tearing up.

“Hm?”

“Can you tell me that like me too? I don’t care if it’s a lie. Just once, Ryujin-ah. Just tonight.” Jisu’s tears fell.

Ryujin doesn’t know where she learned it from, but she pulled Jisu into her arms and held her as she cried, patting her back from time to time until Jisu’s tears stopped.

After Jisu had calmed down, Ryujin wiped her tears with the hem of her jacket. Then they stayed seated next to each other on the bench for a while, not uttering a single word, until Ryujin broke the silence.  “It’s late.” Jisu nodded.

Ryujin stood up and asked for Jisu’s hand. “I’ll walk you home, Jisu.” Jisu just took it.

It was a silent walk, Ryujin held Jisu’s hand firmly until they arrived in front of the apartment building, where she let go as Jisu stood in front of her.

She then took a step closer to Jisu and planted a small kiss on the older’s forehead, hoping it’ll convey the words she wants to say but can’t.

I like you. I’m sorry. Good…

“Good night, Jisu.” She said after pulling away. Jisu smiled at her. “Good night, Ryujin-ah. Thank you.”

Feelings.

They’re such a nuisance.

Ryujin thinks and believes it even more, now that she actually has them.

She hates it and wants to rid herself of them.

“Where have you been?”

Ryujin, came home to Yeji in her living room again. “Why are you here?”

It’s been months since they last saw and spoke to each other.

“Shin Ryujin, where have you been?”

“Just, uhh. Travelling around. Why?”

“In the middle of the semester?”

Ryujin nodded. 

It’s not the most mature decision she could think of but she didn’t know what else to do. She knew that it was her that was hindering Yeji and Jisu from becoming a couple so she figured that if she stepped away, even just for a few months, it’ll help them.

“Were you with Jisu?”

Ryujin raised a brow. “What?” She’s not sure if she heard Yeji correctly.

Yeji was confused too and studied Ryujin carefully. “You weren’t with Jisu?”

“Did…” Ryujin paused. “Did Jisu leave too?”

Yeji sighed and pulled Ryujin in for a hug. “Come here.”

That’s not fair, Jisu. It was supposed to be my turn to put Yeji first. Why...why did you leave?

Ryujin cried and kept apologizing to Yeji while the older just kept saying ‘it’s okay’ over and over again as she caressed Ryujin’s back.

Feelings and aren't fair. At least that’s what Ryujin thinks. But what was done is done, there’s nothing she could do now, especially with Jisu leaving as well.

After coming back, Ryujin took college seriously, as Yeji always wanted her to. She’s still friends with Chaeryeong and Yuna, but spends most time with Yuna since she’s at par with Yuna academically after all the academic breaks she took.

Yeji graduated college after a few months too and then worked for the company. Yeji hopes that Ryujin joins her there someday too.

Jisu hasn’t come back though, but they managed to be in contact some time after. Jisu went back home to live with her parents, so that she won’t tarnish Yeji’s and Ryujin’s relationship any more than she may already have.

Ryujin told her she’s wrong though and that nothing she could have ever done would have broken her and Yeji’s sisterhood. She hoped Jisu would come back or at least visit them. Jisu told her she’ll think about it.

And she did, on the day that Yuna and Ryujin graduated, and the five of them reunited and it was like a dream.

Ryujin finally understood what it felt to have a family, what it felt to belong.

With Yeji, Jisu, Chaeryeong and Yuna, she’s finally felt home.

Sure, feelings and can be complicated.

But it would only be if you run away from it, like she once did.