Your eyes look sad.

You’re sitting across the room, listening to Youngbae talking but it feels like you’re actually mentally far away from here. In your own mind space – and I wish you weren’t.

Today was supposed to be a good day. We got up in the morning together as I surprised you with breakfast in bed – which I managed to cook just fine (well, at least you didn’t tell me it tastes ty so I give you that much credit). You smiled at me tiredly from where your head was still nestled comfortably in the pillow, with your hair all over the place and your long limbs stuffed in those ridiculous, pleated pyjamas.

Your smile, something I fell in love with all those years ago the moment we ran into each other in middle school and that still makes me feel giddy, like a kid on Christmas.

You let me feed you like the kid you are still at heart, even as a 34-years old man, and as you sat up you wrapped an arm around my waist to pull me closer and kissed my shoulder as a silent ‘thank you’.

The day was planned out to the very last minute, with us enjoying the morning at home before meeting up with Youngbae, Hyorin and Daesung for lunch and for the night, we would stay in to seek the comfort of the couch, with a glass of wine and a movie or something more...naughty.

But the so perfectly planned out day didn’t start as it should have.

The atmosphere started to shift once we were on our way over to Youngbae’s house, your eyes remained glued to your phone and when I asked you what’s wrong, you only gave me a tight smile and said that everything is fine.

A lie, clearly.

And now you’re sitting there, staring right through our friend, with thoughts on your mind I can’t decipher but I wish I could. I don’t want you to lose yourself in thoughts you can’t control again. Not today.

I bite my lip and open my mouth to say something when you stand up so abruptly that even Youngbae is startled and gives you a look of surprise and confusion.

“Need a smoke,” is all you mutter before you grab your pack of cigarettes and slide through the door leading outside in the small backyard. It’s cool outside and I can see you shiver from the soft wind blowing, ruffling your hair even more.

My eyes must’ve have given me away because when I look down at my hands and glance back up, Hyorin shots me a look of comfort and understanding, a small smile tugging at the corners of her lips as if to say ‘it’s okay, go look after him’.

And that’s what I do.

Stepping outside, I can see the tension in your shoulders and the way you hold yourself with one arm, your fingers digging into the material of your sweater as if it’s a lifeline – letting it go would mean letting yourself go.

So I reach out carefully and rest my hand against yours, try to ignore the way you flinch at the sudden touch.

You don’t say anything, just take another drag as I stand behind you, with my fingers closing around yours and my head falling against your shoulder blade.

I inhale your scent that is like an old familiar song playing on repe