There comes a point in our lives where you get to question the decisions you have made for the past days, weeks, months or even years. You’ll quickly find answers to some of it and some will boggle your mind until you come to the end of it – and sometimes you don’t get to have the chance to know the answer at all, it just slips away from your mind and it’ll end up completely forgotten. Either doubt and regret eats you up or relief and satisfaction washes upon you.

For Wendy what’s bugging her the past few months is her relationship with Irene. Irene, the woman who stole her utmost attention the moment she laid eyes on her, the brunette colored hair woman whom she came up to at one party their mutual friend organized, the same woman who’s she’s been secretly kissing – away from their friends’ knowledge for months, the one who’s currently underneath her uttering her name along with words to urge her to do, to give her more.

Her questions, though, were something that kept her mind on the edge for weeks now, and she has come up with a few scenarios in her head on how to deal with their current predicament but yet done nothing to somehow fix this complicated set-up that they have done to themselves.

For weeks, Wendy started to question her decision and herself, yet all of her doubts were thrown away the second she saw Irene – her eyes that she was so sure that glinted when they landed on her, her lips that curled up to a genuine smile the moment she saw her, and that scent the put her into a daze, clouding her mind forgetting her purpose to talk  things out with Irene – for now those questions were thrown in the farthest back of her mind, swept under the rug, as she focused on giving pleasure to her so called lover.

One more push and the woman has reached her ; uttering Wendy’s name like she’s some sort of deity. The brunette has her fingers spread on Wendy’s back all the while digging her nails on soft skin, feeling herself come down from the high that was given to her – the blonde huffed gently against Irene’s neck, not minding the sting against her skin. She nuzzled and gave the woman’s neck one last kiss, as she slumped beside Irene. She felt her heart pounding, racing from the activity they just did, with one last huff she tried to even her breathing and turned to the brunette lying next to her.

Lying on her side, leaning her weight on her propped elbows, Wendy’s eyes languidly traced Irene’s features. Irene is always beautiful but right here, right now Wendy found her the most beautiful. Seeing Irene’s bare skin, chest heaving up and down made her smile, at least for this moment Irene was hers. Only for her. With the moonlight shining through the bedroom window, acting as the only source of light, it made Irene even shine brighter – like her beacon, guiding her to somewhere only the brunette knows.

Wendy reached for some stray hair, matted with sweat, and swept it away from the woman’s face. She then ran her hand on Irene’s arms, feeling the coldness of Irene’s skin from the exhaust of the air condition, she hastily grabbed the blanket they discarded earlier and draped it over the brunette’s shoulders, making the latter smile from her gesture and in return she gave Irene her gentlest smile.

“What?”

“Nothing, you’re such a gentleman.” Wendy heard her mutter, feeling Irene’s warm fingers on her exposed arm run down to her waist leaving traces of circles with only the thin blanket in between, “Gentlewan.”

Wendy grinned at Irene’s statement, burrowing her other hand under the brunette’s neck and curved her arm so she could run her fingers along the length of Irene’s tresses, in response Irene closed her eyes and heaved a contented sigh as she scooted closer to the blonde’s warm body, nestling her head against Wendy’s neck.

Another soft sigh, “Thank you,” Irene softly said, her voice covered with genuine gratitude and a hint of tiredness.

Wendy didn’t need any explanation to know what that meant, she knew the meaning behind it, she knew it all too well. She kissed the top of Irene’s head resulting to doe eyes staring at hers. Her eyes were directed through the brunette, trying to convey words she’s afraid to say, hoping and wishing the woman beside her would be able to read the unspoken words in her eyes.

“You’re welcome,” is what she replied instead of some words that may drive Irene away – words that sank down deep in her chest, weighing heavy on her heart – after all this is just some fling, isn’t it? But then she saw Irene smiling at her and she felt the heavy feeling weighing down on her chest being lifted away – for now. She kept those words to herself; words that are now carefully tucked away inside her metaphorical box labeled ‘words that should remain unspoken’, whilst the brunette’s smile was etched deeply in her memory.

Wendy kissed the woman’s once damp forehead earning a light giggle from Irene, who’s now completely latched her body against the blonde’s, like a koala and Wendy is her tree.

She saw Irene peered over her shoulder and onto the nightstand behind, and then leaned to one of her ears and whispered, “It’s already past midnight, why don’t you stay the night.”

Wendy backed a bit giving Irene a quizzical look, as the offer struck her, “But what if your–”

“Nobody’s with me for the weekend,” She heard Irene cut her off.

Wendy gazed at Irene’s eyes, trying to look for the punchline, trying to check if the woman is kidding her. But when she didn’t find any, other than seriousness in the other’s gaze, she submitted to the invitation. To other people she’d have more authority, having her way to things but somehow Irene has stripped her off that, literally and figuratively. Irene always has her way with her. She nodded slowly, still staring at the brunette’s eyes boring through her, “Okay.” She said meekly.

“Good.”

She felt Irene holding her tighter than before and continuously rubbed her nose against the stretch of her neck, she felt Irene’s breathing on her skin sending shivers all over her entirety, making the hairs on the back of her neck and arms stand up. This is wrong. But she liked every bit of it.

“Let’s rest, Seungwan,” She heard her whisper, warm breath hitting against her bare skin.

Wendy liked how her Korean name escaped from Irene’s lips, how the woman made it sound so special. She hated it before, but when Irene found out about it and started using it, somehow, her view on that matter changed. She loved how it rolled off from the latter’s tongue and from then on, she never let anyone other than Irene use it, ever, well except for family and close friends.

A smile. “Good night, Joohyun.”

Irene smiled back at her, snuggling even more, tightening her hold on Wendy. After a bout of silence, as Wendy was lost in her own thoughts, she noticed Irene’s arms around her waist loosen her hold and starting to draw heavy, next thing she knew Irene’s now steadily breathing. She smiled at how the woman peacefully looked as she tucked a loose strand behind the brunette’s ear; it was as if she doesn’t have any problems at all. Wendy cherished this moment right then and there, having Irene in her arms is one of the best fleeting moments – one of the few times where she gets to claim the woman hers.

When she made sure that the brunette is fast asleep, Wendy softly planted a kiss on Irene’s forehead and muttered the three words she wanted Irene to hear but given the nature of their relationship she chose not to, “I love you.”

Wendy fought her drowsiness, afraid that time with Irene in her arms will be wasted by sleeping. For she knew, the moment she wakes up, she has to go. So, she held on to every ounce of her consciousness, holding on to the thought that she wants this moment to last much longer. But her body betrayed her, fatigue is slowly taking over and eventually her eyes gave in.

*

Irene woke up to the glaring light of the sun hitting her, she quickly buried her face on her pillow, protecting her eyes from the light, a usual reflex from waking up to the brightness. Few seconds, a wave of realization hit her, she hastily reached her hand to her left, patted a few times – as if trying to find something or in this case someone beside her yet she felt nothing. Irene immediately raised her head, still heavy from sleep, and saw no one is beside her anymore. She slumped back on the bed and heaved a sigh, accompanied by a groan.

She turned, lying on her back and stared at her ceiling – thinking of someone whom she was just cuddling last night and now there’s no trace of her on her bed leaving only the creases of the sheets, marking the space that was once occupied. Thinking about short, blonde tresses framing a small face, about soft lips against hers, hands roaming all over her. Thinking of warm and gentle smiles often times showing that cute dimple, eyes crinkling to crescents. Of greasy lines and corny jokes that she doesn’t mind laughing out loud at. Thinking how her bed that’s supposed to be for one now feels really big without the other.

And then she thought about her frustrations over their set-up, of how Wendy fills her soul up – how she makes her happy in a way that it completes her, how the woman seemed to make everything so easy for her, yet the only hard thing for her to do is choosing over her four year long relationship over her own happiness and freedom.

She admits that this is wrong, and she shouldn’t be denying Wendy of the things she deserves, l