Do I look overdressed?

The same thought has been running inside my head for a while, that it feels like my overthinking starts to manifest physically. The patterned cracking of knuckles and slightly aggressive biting on the chapped portion of my specially rouged lips – I can faintly smell the blood that tries to surface from the said crevices. 

Apart from that, I notice how the inn receptionist seems to be glancing at me from time to time. The old lady must have felt confused by my presence in the lobby this early of an hour – the sun hasn’t even fully risen. And I understand her because I, too, am confused by the turn of events.

I have known myself to be composed, I have trained myself to be. Nothing comes good with me panicking all the time, few friends can attest to that. With my engineering license, I can say I’m also good at being calculative and critical. But for the first time since I joined that rapping contest during middle school, I made an impulsive and spontaneous decision. 

To meet someone and be toured in this city he grew up in.

Although he’s not an entire stranger, as our paths have crossed in a school convention with me unknowing, this would be the first time to talk to him in person. Yes, we’ve done a couple of conversations on virtual messaging apps, but that’s all there is to our interaction.

Sure, I intentionally posted that photo of mine arriving in his town, in hopes of him seeing. But the cowardly me didn’t expect this to unfold. Not when he even suggested meeting early in the morning.

“Hey, ma’am, there’s a coffee booth at the restaurant. You might want to sip some. Mornings get chilly here during this time of the month,” a young lad tapped me with the offer. I froze staring at his eyes because I wasn’t expecting such warm service. I snapped out of it and thanked him for the offer. My gaze followed his trail and saw him whispering something to the old lady at the reception. It felt weird knowing that they must have talked about me.

Do I really look that overdressed?

I pulled out my phone and saw that it’s almost 7 am. Few more minutes meant that I had to step out of the inn and explore the place with a local – not just any other local, however. Few more minutes… if he is not a tardy person, I don’t think he is.

And I may be just right. All the manifestations of my overthinking suddenly stopped when I heard the security personnel greet someone at the main door. “Good morning, sir” – it seems surreal to finally hear his voice in person. He publishes song covers at times; from there I try to decode his speaking voice. Raspier yet softer than what I imagined; I now know. 

I bolted upwards, like a mechanical doll. Oh gosh, this is embarrassing. I should’ve taken that coffee, or probably not. Maybe it’s a good thing I did not add any more factors of nervousness in my system. 

 “Hi,” he chuckled, and brushed past his nose tip, “have you been waiting long?”

When I talk to him online, I am given the freedom to contemplate on my response for a while. I consider myself an eloquent person, but right now, I fell short on the proper words. My tongue latched on the immediate response it could latch on.

“No, I – I didn’t…” I shoot a smile whilst keeping an eye contact, hoping that that would be enough to cover my jittery tracks. Then, I shifted my gaze upon remembering how he stated that due to his anxiety, he isn’t fond of eye contacts.

“Shall we go?”

“Yes,” I responded while I made my way beside him. Am I being too much? I didn’t wear a heeled shoe because I figured we would be walking around a lot. But now I’m kind of regretting it, our height difference is bigger than I expected it to be.

As we stepped outside, it felt real – at least realer than my random daydreams back in town.

I try to breathe as silent as possible, in an attempt to hide my nervousness. But – God, I can still hear my heartbeat. And it is so loud I feel like if our distance gets any closer, he will hear or feel it.

“So…” he must’ve felt awkward with this whole set-up. I can see him twitching from my peripheral view.

“So?” I threw in a light chuckle to lighten the tone. He eventually stopped in his tracks and turned his face to me. As a reflex, my eyes were glued on his.

My mind was in an unplanned haywire. It was a mixture of flutters and embarrassment, but mostly the latter. For Earth’s sake, we’re in the middle of a, thankfully, empty sidewalk. Still, there are few motorcycles on the road.

Morning sunshine was landing on my face quite boldly, definitely making my eyes kind of hurt. But at the same time, he was standing before me. Flushed face, kind of hesitating. And this shared intensity cannot keep my eyes shut.

“6…5…4” I heard his tiny whispers. When he got into 1, he flipped and jumped around in joy. Goodness gracious, I am confused.

“What did you just do?” I asked. He then responded with the biggest smile; one I have never seen in his rare photo-reveal in social media. “I was trying to see if I can get past the 10-second mark,” he said as he returned to his original position.

“A staring battle?” To which he nodded. I unconsciously rolled my eyes and laughed a little. I’m glad that the atmosphere was becoming lighter, but that wasn’t a fair battle at all. Not when I was caught off guard like that. I picked up my pace and started strutting along the pavement.

“Hey, wait for me!”

“I didn’t know you were an unjust person… throwing an innocent bystander to your abrupt tournaments.”

He gasped at my remark, which was nothing but the truth. “An innocent bystander wouldn’t have been stealing glances,” and I freaking paused.

“I was?”

“You were.”

My mind was trying to process my response. Should I admit to it? I mean, there’s nothing wrong with staring… I think so. But no, I shouldn’t –

“Now, don’t think of lying. My moles can record everything around me,” he pointed at the stars that are his moles. He could make up a whole galaxy with it, and they would be beautiful – beautifully mysterious and mysteriously beautiful.

This universe of enigma is standing right in front of me, and I’m not sure whether he’s testing, taunting, or just playing with me, but either way, I am glad I came. I’m glad he came.

“I wasn’t planning on lying,” I shot a smile at him, one I did not expect him to be intimidated by. He retreated and scrunched his nose at my response. “Honestly, this feels unreal to me,” I continued and caught him looking so flushed and, may I fantasize, beguiled.

In an almost whisper tone, he asked me why. “You have only been someone that I knew existed beyond the screen. But never had I imagined something like this would happen,” I answered, with words just slipping so naturally from my lips.

Perhaps the fully risen sun’s light shone and encouraged me, because I’ve never been this honest and straightforward before. At least, not with a man I considered a mystery. But maybe that’s it, my usual response to mind and a-little-bit-of-heart game – to come off alluring and mysterious with my words.

I was never a fair player; I always saw to it that I had an advantage before I placed my bets. Or if my side was already pinned, I made sure to come back in a strong and finishing manner. Perhaps this is one of those occurrences, but I can’t seem to acknowledge it.

The more I was immersed in the little voices in my head, the less I realized how much time was fading away in our midst. Mingyu was just standing there, eyes glued on me as if there was nothing wary about them. I could go on like this forever, but my neck was already hurting.

“Is this another one of your surprise games?”

Maybe the stare was unconsciously done because he just looked like he snapped out of reality. He lightly shook his head, and I swear to the gods, I saw a faint tinge of red in his lovely skin.

“No, but I’ll give the award to you.” he extended his hand to me as if it’s the most natural thing to offer. My eyes communicated him a what-is-this-for, to which he just grinned like a child who won their first game in the arcade.

And this is where my calculative nature failed to take over. I nodded and let him grab my hand as we began to run recklessly along this stretch of a pavement – not minding the crowd that was slowly building up around us.

“Where are you taking me?” In my barely caught breaths, I managed to half-shout a question that should have been posed ten minutes ago when I absent-mindedly took his hand. He peeked over his shoulders, seeing me who was trying to keep up to his pace.

“I’m about to change your life,” I couldn’t believe what I just heard. Did Mingyu just randomly reference Angelica Schuyler?

“I never knew you were into musicals,” I scoffed. My small feet then managed to stride bigger steps and finally matched his speed. For once, it felt like I wasn’t chasing him from the shadows, just like how I used to.

“You shared that song on your timeline.” Ah, it’s this feeling again – me confused at responses and actions I would never imagine him to do so. I was always so open with my love for musical theater. And it so happens that I was into Hamilton the time we met each other on social media.

“You remembered that.” I whispered those words to myself. As I tightened my grip on his hand, he came to a full stop. I almost fell out of balance, but my life is no shoujo manga. My physically unfit body managed to save itself from one of the two: a knight-in-shining-armor plot or a potentially humiliating face fall.

“You said something?” The innocence and naivety I never thought he possessed was evidently being portrayed in front of me. As if this unexpected meeting couldn’t get any weirder, it feels like an event of checkboxes to make me see through his virtual persona. Like an invitation to come over and hear more of his tales – the ones he so desperately hid in his paintings and published poems and flash fictions. 

With my free hand, I tiptoed to reach his head. I’ve always wondered how his hair felt, imagining it to be so fluffy from pictures; my self was not disappointed in the slightest. “No,” I smiled at him while I gently ruffled his hair. I couldn’t quite describe his expression, not when I’m also in doubt of the face I am currently displaying. 

When I retorted to my original position, I noticed our hands were still holding one another. I never imagined breaking out of it is difficult, but it is. Do I still want to hold his hand? While in search of answers in my judgment-abyss, it was observable how he was starting to loosen his grip. And I did the same – not wanting to further display possible hints of I-don’t-know-what-to-call-this.

We became two awkward individuals again, or maybe it’s just me. Or maybe it’s me who made things awkward. Before I completely fell into the cobwebs of overthinking, I unfocused on us and marveled over the surroundings. A promise I made myself earlier was that I will try to be in the zone this whole day – just this day, I won’t let my inner self sabotage me.

“Oh, this place…” my memory couldn’t place its name, but I was sure of it. He brought me to the place I told him I wanted to visit again.

“I thought it would be great for you to come back here…” he paused and took a deep breath. “… as the person you are now.”

Even though his words were addressed towards me, it felt more like a message to himself. Of course, I changed over the years. The girl he met back then didn’t completely disappear, but she was too transformed to be equated to the woman I am now. I’ve dropped off baggage I thought was irrelevant to my personal growth. And I’ve picked up new wounds along with sutures I’ve learned to stitch myself with. But… I know he’s had his years worse.

After constantly communicating with Mingyu for months, he just suddenly disappeared in my timeline. First, I thought he blocked me. Then, I kept on ruminating over our conversations and interactions, digging my brain for some connections possibly explaining everything that suddenly transpired.

It honestly created a contradiction in my head, because I’ve never put myself on a pedestal, but there I was, thinking how I could have made a mistake that made me lose my friend. But I failed in doing so. Still, he never left my thoughts. Whenever I scribbled something, I was reminded of him and our shared passion in writing.

He was someone who made me feel like I wasn’t so different after all. I even dubbed him as the male ‘me’ because of how similar we were, but… it all faded, because I had no means to connect with him again. Until I found him once again, on a winter night, while I was mindlessly scrolling across my social media feed. 

Mr. Wristband…

 The moment I read that – emotions I couldn’t really comprehend came rushing into me. My heart was beating so fast and so wild. After almost two years, I found him again - by the pen name he actually asked me about. I still couldn’t believe that I forgot. 

But here we are, side by side, in a park in the center of his town and now both different people. 

“Oh, how much we’ve changed,” I unconsciously said. Although there was nothing particularly wrong about what I said, it still felt weird to acknowledge it. 

I secretly glanced at Mingyu, but to my surprise, he was also doing the same. “You’re still stealing glances,” he jokingly sneered at me. 

“You did it first.”

“This round, yes.”

Due to our constant bickering about who stared first, the atmosphere became light again. Not sure if we’re both consciously avoiding the discussion of our own pasts and their respective mess, coz then we’ve surely become better at hiding things and showing off our fleeting happy selves. Or perhaps we know that this one-day meeting is better off as itself - temporary, and thus will choose not to mind old affinities and reopen wounds we couldn’t probably close right away. After all, we won’t know if we will be able to depend on each other - on the strangers that we have been and have become.

Mingyu took me to places - all by foot, which I was not complaining about. I rarely go out for long walks, so this is definitely a fresh experience and reminder that I should probably work out more.

There was the town hall that mashed up the past and present architecture - revealing the rich history of the place. 

There was the flea market where we saw a lot of interesting things. He seemed so enthusiastic about this bamboo watch, but in the end, he didn't buy it.

There was this butterfly sanctuary with a lovely cottage, which was actually the café. We then ate, talked, laughed, paused – stole glances and bickered afterwards. Little did we realize that the sun was almost setting. 

It's a well-known fact that sunsets are a thousand times better viewed at beaches. And he might've thought of the same thing because he once again held me as we ran towards this place… not quite the beach, but this quaint port. 

I wanted to admire the place and marvel at the sky's colors, but I was too exhausted to even lift my head up. We ran like crazy today, and you can totally see it on my forehead. 

"We should've rented a bike," he said in between his ragged breaths. 

"That would have been a great idea, except I never learned how to ride a bike," strange, I know. It feels like I've been robbed off my childhood, but my scars prove otherwise though. 

"You never did?" There was a sort of disbelief painted across his voice. 

"I was never the brave kid," I chuckled as I finally lifted my chin to see him and the remaining minutes before the sun hid itself. 

Oranges and yellows and fiery reds, with purple hints of sky -- seems like a perfect set-up for a wonderful show. It truly was breathtaking in a lot of ways - the beauty, the weak gasps my lungs make, and Kim Mingyu. He looks so beautiful.

"Should we stay there?" His pout pointed at the seaside eateries that only open for service during the night. The dedication to match the cold winds from the sea reflected in the music choice of the live bands - acoustic renditions of well-known heartbreak songs.

"Til we drop?" I replied with a question, to which he gestures a clinking of our imaginary wine glasses. "Til the void drops," and he offers his hand to me and I gladly take it. My shy self was already drifting at this moment, I could only think of what's in front of me and nothing else. 

We sat in one of the empty tables, facing each other. I mean, that’s the normal thing to do on a date, right? Goodness me, thinking this is a date. 

“What are you giggling about?” 

Look at this, he actually managed to see the manifestation of my delusion. I chuckled and responded, “Nothing.” Mingyu is a sharp and quick kid, so he probably knew that I was thinking of something embarrassing that I couldn’t bring myself to be frank about. There was suspicion in his squints.

“It’s not fair. You’re being such a cutie when you’re squinting,” I cheekily responded while gesturing to the waiter to come to our table.

“You’ve gotten smoother.”

“Have I?” I raised my eyebrows at him. I was then caught off guard when he closed the distance between us. Suddenly, all I could hear was my own heartbeat, violently thumping its way out of my ribs. 

“Truly so,” I could feel my cheeks burning, thankfully the waiter arrived at the right moment.

“It’s time to order then,” he retreated and grinned like it was the most natural thing to have happened. Was it?

We ordered some dishes that will probably take us a whole night to eat, but I didn’t mind. I was never weak-hearted when it comes to eating, nor was Mingyu. As he kept on explaining the local dishes, which he suggested, I could see sparks filling his eyes. The joy was evident.

Sooner or later, the food came rushing in. At first, we were all silent. Our hungry stomachs could barely wait any second longer, but who can blame us? After the adventure we went through, this reaction to the scrumptious feast was the standard. We could only go beyond expectations.

After the first fifteen minutes of nothing but chewing and gulping, we managed to catch each other almost choking because of the giggles.

“Are you that hungry?” he asked me in a heavily sarcastic tone.

“Mister, are you that hungry?” I bounced back as much.

He vigorously bobbed his head and mumbled saying ‘yes… yes’. “Me too,” I mouthed. And we continued to eat in nothing but food noises for the next ten minutes or so. When we finally finished most of our main course, desserts gradually came in, but we decided to rest first.

“I reckon we need to breath,” I suggested. “It’s a vital step,” he replied.

As we rested, the background noise ceased to exist. Rather, they bloomed into songs that pleased and teased our eardrums. We were so busy with ourselves that we forgot to look around and listen.

“I never told you earlier, but you look really good with blonde hair,” he suddenly spoke.

“Thanks, you look great too – I mean, as usual,” I fumbled over my words. This is what happens when an awkward person receives a compliment out of nowhere.

“As usual? You sound as if you’ve been keeping tabs on me,” he slyly remarked as he looked away.

“I mean, you’ve always looked good,” I shrugged. Not like I’m lying.

“But you didn’t notice me the first time we met,” he chuckled, and I recall memories of a friend request in this social media app. Truth be told, the name wasn’t ringing any bells, but when I checked the profile, I deduced that it may have been one of my fellow delegates in the convention. Turns out, Kim Mingyu will become more than that.

“To be fair, everyone was probably preoccupied because of the events that transpired that day,” I said as I scooped a spoonful of pat-bingsu. It was slowly disintegrating.

“I managed to notice you,” he told me and plunged in his spoon to get some as well. I just nodded and I wasn’t sure, but it seemed like he was expecting me to retort or something.

“You stepped on my foot,” he continued narrating memories I don’t have a personal recollection of. They were pieces of information I registered into my brain when we spoke to each other the first time.

“And you apologized in such a sweet manner,” he chuckled as he ate more of the desert. He fell silent and, for a second, I swear I witnessed a tear in the corner of his eye.

We proceeded to finish our last course. He paid, though I insisted; told me that my visit to his town was more than enough for all the food expenses.

“Do you want to drink?”

“That’s probably not a good idea. I’m a stranger to this place. I won't be able to aid you,” I apologized, and he just nodded.

“Silly me,” he laughed. I felt a slight pang in my chest for turning his offer down, but I had to.

So, is this it? Is this where we part?

Contrary to what I thought, he led me to one last place – I’m assuming. We became closer to the sea and away from the semi-bustling restaurants. The music was barely audible from here – partly because of the distance but also because the sound of the waves crashing into the walls was more prominent.

“Are you chilly?” he asked, to which I shook my head in response. I approached the ledge of the cement barrier and sat, offering him a seat beside me. He smiled and graced me with his presence.

“How was your stay here so far?”

“The first few days were good and productive, but today is exceptionally special.”

I heard him sigh, or maybe it was one of the breeze creeping into my ears every now and then. I wasn’t cold, but the mood of the night made me feel light-headed.

“Too bad it’s transient,” my honest feelings slipped out of my lips. 

Mingyu just stayed still and that made me feel conscious. I never had the intention of seeing him in his precious time. I mean, I wished for it, but I never expected this would be the course of things. But I never had the intention or yearning to revisit feelings I firmly believed I held for him - but suppressed for the sake of my well-being. How could I even like someone I have never known soul-deep? It was too much of a risk, especially for a calculating woman like me.

But now that I am sitting here, besides him, I am thrown back to the late evenings I’ve spent communicating with him. I am brought back to overthinking of his thoughts and posts and messages. I am faced with emotions I had trouble keeping in whenever we shared our stories of life and self and love… Back then, I truly pitied myself collecting proof of possibilities that we were more than just a coincidence. That maybe we were something. 

Naturally, I failed. And although he opened up to me the reason for his disappearance, I knew in myself I was right for not pursuing a track I was never meant to take.

And now, I’m certain I am set to fail again. 

“Can you lend me your ear?” he finally broke the silence. I nodded a 'yes'. 

"The truth is, back then, I liked you," heavens and internal voices know how much I was struggling to keep my eyes dry when I heard him confess. 

"True, I was captivated by your beauty and eloquence when I saw you the first time." Even though it was dark in here, I could notice him blushing. "But talking with you made me feel acknowledged… you supported me in ways I never imagined a stranger would. And I realized you were becoming more to me."

I just continued to listen, trying not to land any unnecessary reaction. 

"I was so brave in dropping flirty remarks, but I don't know if you were dense… or you just ignored me," he laughed, probably cringing from his old lines. I joined in laughter as well, but immediately after, he became serious.

"But I grew scared and envious… you were moving too far ahead of me, able to chase your dreams. While I was helplessly stuck in this town I hated… I escaped and fell into my own abyss," at this point, I could hear sniffles in between his words. "I didn't want to hate you, because I felt inferior."

There was a pause, before he reached out his arm to me. I would've hesitated, but I know he needs this hand. Just as I may need it too.

"When I saw you were in town, I knew I wanted to meet you…" he tightened his grip on my barely warm hand. "... to personally thank you for giving me strength, for communicating with me, for sharing with me your song lyrics…" 

This time, I pulled his hand closer to my lips, and kissed his hand. His eyes sparkled with tears as he pulled me into a warm and tight embrace. 

"Thank you… I will never regret being bewitched and inspired by you and your whole being, Eunbi" 

I never knew hearing someone speak my name would hurt, but it did. 

We held each other for another minute or so. And when we parted, genuine smiles were plastered all over our faces. I'm happy hearing that from him.

After a full day's adventure, he walked me to my inn with nothing but the rhythmic pulse I can feel from his hands intertwined with mine. Before we reached my destination, I felt an impulse to lean for a kiss, but controlled myself when I realized I know I have no right to do so. I've long lost that opportunity.

At the door, he let go. 

"When do you leave town?"

"Six o'clock am, tomorrow," I responded.

"That's so early," he pushed back his hair and slightly clicked his tongue. But then, he suddenly placed his hands on my shoulder and smiled a smile I cannot really fathom. No, not in my state. 

Upon releasing his grip on me, he paced two steps back and curtsied.

"Good night, Eunbi" 

He was shining, in a blinding way. It’s as if all of his fears and worries released when he finally told me what he wanted to tell me. But here I am now, the opposite, unable to release feelings I’ve always wanted to express.

“I wish I could take you home,” I told him, to which he shook his head. 

“Alright... Good night, Mingyu”

I watched him turn away from me, walk towards his own space - his own world I have no knowledge of. I watched him leave with my secret still kept within me. 

Before I decided to step into the inn, he looked back again, smiling and shouting in the middle of the night, “You don’t look overdressed!”

I burst out laughing to myself, wondering how he heard me… perhaps I was unconsciously murmuring my thoughts all this time. I don’t doubt the possibility. 

Satisfied yet frustrated with myself, I hurried to my room to rest. I never got to catch any sleep, but it’s fine. It’s fine.

I packed my bags and checked out of the inn. The young lad and the old lady from the reception booth handed me over coffee as they waved me goodbye. I rode on the first cab I set my eyes on.

The flow of people in this town, from the inn, sidewalks, parks, and the airport -- they’re all smooth. Just the pacing I wished to witness and experience in my life for once. Finally, I reached the airport; ready to go back to my own space - my own world this town will have no memories of, not even Kim Mingyu. 

“Jung Eunbi,” and he appeared. This time, I couldn’t hold back my tears. Like an ocean flooding a dam, there was no way I could let it stop. He rushed over to me and pulled me into his arms. 

Why am I even sobbing like a child?

When I calmed down, I raised my head to see him. It was almost time for me to leave, but I found myself hesitating -- not when I haven’t told him the things I wanted to say. 

I then buried myself in his chest. “Did you manage to like this town?” He patted the back of my head, which spoke to me that he did. I let go of him and mustered my courage to ask my one last question. “When I visit this town again, will you let me meet him?” 

 I saw his fluffy cheeks reddening, probably wondering how did I know what I meant. But instead of pinning me, he just smiled and said whole-heartedly, “You and Seokmin will surely get along.” 

The speakers were blasting its last reminders for the checking in of the passengers - one of them was me. 

“Thank you for yesterday, I genuinely had fun,” I tapped him in the shoulder before finally going into the counter. I caught myself turning away from him, walking towards my own world. But this time, it’s different, because I caught myself looking back and calling out to him for the last time.

“Kim Mingyu!”

He responded to the call, eyes wide in surprise. 

“I liked you too!” I shouted from the top of my lungs, not minding the background noise and the people embarrassed and taken aback by me. Even though I know there’s no chance, I simply didn’t care.  No more overthinking. No more patterned cracking. No more chapped lips. Just the feeling of relief from liberating myself from a secret I’ve cultured within me for so long. 

“I’m glad!” he yelled back. 

And now, it’s over… my phase of lingering and imagination is over. 

A changed woman? Not so much, but I know I’ve evolved. I’ve evolved;