I still remember, 3rd of december

me in your sweater, you said it looked better on me

"Here, wear this."

Jeno hands Jaemin a fluffy, red sweater with a pair of sweatpants while the latter blows air into his palm, trying to warm his hands.

They were just out and going about their day, strolling the city when it started to pour out of the blue. Thankfully, Jeno's place was nearby so they rushed to his apartment but still had gotten drenched halfway.

Jaemin eyes the sweater with clear distaste (or pretends to, considering he had worn the said sweater on multiple occasions he stayed over at his place, or had impromptu sleepovers without any complaints previously).

"Really, this ugly sweater, again?" Jaemin clicks his tongue but still takes the bright sweater from Jeno's grasp.

Jeno gasps in faux hurt, hand placed against his chest,

"Hey, don't say that! You're going to hurt its feelings."

Jaemin merely chuckles at his best friend's antics, turning around to change- taking off his wet sweater and pulling the clean cloth over his head, the soft fabric brushing against his bare skin that is accentuated with the distinctive smell of Jeno's cologne.

Oh how Jaemin hates the way his heart pricks and goosebumps cover every pore of his skin- because he shouldn't be getting this affected. It's just a sweater get over it, he reprimands himself. He quickly changes his bottoms as well before turning around to see an already freshened-up Jeno staring at him with a wistful expression on his face.

Jaemin quirks an eyebrow, "What, is there something on my face?"

He reaches a hand up to touch his face but Jeno shakes his head,

"No, it's just, I realized how it has become an unconscious habit for me give you that sweater," Jeno motions towards Jaemin's chest with his hand.

For some reason, Jaemin holds his breath awaiting for the next words that is about to stumble out of Jeno's mouth,

"It looks way better on you than it does on me. Keep it. The red really suits you." Jeno finishes with a playful wink.

And just like that, Jaemin's heart races a mile because stupid, stupid Jeno, and his stupid comment, Jaemin berates silently.

Stupid Jeno with his crescent eyes and wide, infectious smile.

Jeno walks out of the bedroom and head towards the living room, with Jaemin in tow with crimson ears, one that is almost matching the color of his sweater.

He futiely convinces himself that it is just a harmless crush (a supposed phase that has roughly gone on for about a year now). It will pass, he tells himself, albeit unconvincingly.

"Do you know what date is today?" Jeno asks as he turns on the TV and settles down on the couch, grabbing the remote and flipping through channels randomly.

Jaemin answers quizzically, "It's 3rd of december, why?"

Jaemin had just placed himself on the space next to Jeno when he abruptly shifts around and faces him, grabbing both his hands, pretty eyes filled with excitement,

"Oh , dude! How to train your dragon: homecoming comes out today."

Jaemin is taken aback by the overly enthusiastic Jeno, his insides going haywire with how close Jeno's face is to his- the proximity rendering him immobile. He can also feel his hot breath fanning across his cheeks, prompting him to bite the insides of his cheeks to stay in check, because, Jeno is all up his personal space, eyes crinkling at the sides, and his pink, soft pillow of a lips lifting up at the corner. Their faces are mere centimetres apart, and he could just feel Jeno's touch if he leans in tad more.

It is scary how he is easily evading his senses, leaving him unable to formulate any rational thoughts, as he can only drink in the view in front of him, and maybe feel his lips, thoughts drifting into dangerous waters. He can feel his pulse quickening, lips drying up as he swipes his tongue out to lather them in moisture- it has only been mere seconds yet his heart is pounding against his chest. His eyes roaming about Jeno's face wordlessly, counting his moles and freckles that decorated his countenance like constellations.

However, he quickly snaps out of it when he feels Jeno lightly squeezes his hand still with that expectant look,

"O-oh yeah, I completely forgot. Why don't you turn on netflix while I fix us some warm drinks, yeah?"

Jaemin averts his gaze and stands up straight not waiting for an answer, making a beeline for the kitchen. Once he is within the safe confines of the kitchen, he places a hand on his chest hoping to aid his racing heart to settle down, trying to regulate his breathing. It's getting worst, , he curses in his head. He should be more careful because he almost slipped, he makes a mental note.

They spend their time together watching the movie, a blanket on their lap, thighs brushing, their drinks empty on the table in front of them.

Sometime later in the middle of the night, during their third movie, Jaemin feels a light weight on his shoulder, and glances towards a sleepy Jeno, already nodding off.

He sighs affectionately, although it's laced along with anguish. He extends his hand to brush Jeno's bangs away from, eyes raking over his soft features mutely.

The sudden urge to grab his face and kiss him dumb and drunk is overwhelmingly strong, which startles Jaemin for even having such a thought.

(Although the irrational part of his mind is already wandering off in the deepest desires of his thought, like how kissing Jeno would feel, to act on his selfish thoughts, to just give in, and succumb to the chaotic mess of his thoughts until there's only white noise, and he can no longer breathe, the only source of air being Jeno.)

His heart clenches painfully, oh, was Jeno so beautiful and magnificent as red rose, lush green leaves, covered in thorns that could tear your skin, but it still wouldn't forbid you from touching it- the blood seemingly an easy price to pay to just get a feel.

But the ground reality was, Jaemin knew him well enough to know Jeno couldn't possibly feel the same way as he does, because you were there.

He wasn't oblivious to how Jeno's demeanor changed when his phone vibrated in the middle of a movie, how his smile spread further across his cheeks if it was even possible, eyes glued to his phone screen, and how he watched the rest of the movie with a light bounce in his feet, chin up, and a pretty smile on his lips.

(Like I could never, his heart breaks a little at the revelation).

Jaemin gazes at Jeno's sleeping figure, expression etched with a deep ache of longing, a hand reaching out under the blanket to hold his warm ones, giving it a comforting squeeze, while this action also causes his heart strings to tug against each other painfully.

It is only a matter of time before any of you realize your true feelings.

So until then, Jaemin will keep Jeno caged in his selfish thoughts.

Until he no longer can.

Until he falls in love with you.

If only he knew how much he liked him.

                         You gave her your sweater

It's just polyester, but you like her better

Jaemin observes from a distance, the scene unfolding in front of him; Jeno's arm on your shoulder, eyes entirely captivated by your presence, like nothing else mattered and the rest of world just disappeared.

It's almost pathetic, how Jaemin could easily spot his sweater from the crowd as if it was mocking him, because of all things, Jeno's sweater caught his attention. There's nothing special about the black piece of cloth, with random scribbles of letters on the back, almost fading in color because of how frequently the boy wore that article of clothing.

There really is nothing special about it, so why did his insides poke at him, why did his eyes prick at the sight of you wearing his sweater- he thinks it's so silly and stupid and he shouldn't even be feeling hurt given the fact you are dating him- it should have been a completely normal occurrence.

It is blatantly obvious how much he likes you better in his faded black sweater, eyes never wandering elsewhere, always on you- he liked you so much better. He could never bring that shy smile on his face and the sparkle dancing off in his eyes like you did.

While Jeno might have given him a red sweater, he gave you his favorite sweater, even though it is just polyester. Jaemin realizes, knows, nothing could compare to that.

For some reason Jaemin can't seem to break his gaze away from the two of you- hands clasped together, similar tinted cheeks, occasionally sharing kisses, your surrounding passing in a blur. You look warm in his embrace.

Everything comes to a halt in Jaemin's world, and he pretends it's him with Jeno, sharing loving gazes, endearing smiles and gentle touches- if only he knew.

Jaemin finally looks away, heart heavy in his chest, cold hands crumpling the end of his sweater, the chilly winter breeze biting at the exposed skin of his neck. He's hoping the cold would somehow numb his pain.

It is so silly to have worn the red sweater, Jaemin thinks.

Because he is not you, and Jeno likes you better.

And black is a much better color than red, anyways, Jaemin muses with a crestfallen expression.

 

 But I watch your eyes, as she walks by

what a sight for sore eyes

Brighter than a blue sky

Jaemin wishes he could erase the mental image of Jeno painted in his head, when you dropped by earlier to their table, beautiful face and everything.

How Jeno's eyes instantly brightened as he spots you in the hoard of students, calling out your name with such fondness that it leaves a bitter taste in his mouth. Their conversation stops midway when Jeno's eyes zeroed behind Jaemin, eyes turning all tender and crescents, and god, did he look so in love.

Jeno looks prettier than ever, and his heart shatters a little.

The view now taunts him, as he recalls the memory, how you could just kiss him like that. The action causing him to flit his eyes away from the two of them, his heart squeezing in slight discomfort.

He also watched as you walk away from the clutches of Jeno's arm for your next class, Jaemin's eyes never leaving his side- the way Jeno's eyes significantly dimmed and lips jutted out, it is so childish, Jaemin thinks.

Except for some unfathomable reason, it was ripping his insides into shreds, making him painfully aware that he could never do those things to him.

What a sore sight, Jaemin wonders bitterly.

 

 

But how could I hate her? 

she's such an angel

Sometimes Jaemin wishes you were a complete , because then he could hate you and it wouldn't hurt as much.

But you aren't.

You are nice and sweet and kind, and just so profoundly you. It was not a hard feat for anyone to fall for your charming personality. People liked you instantly from exchanging a few conversations, because he did too.

Jaemin could tell why Jeno is so in love with you.

Jaemin recollects the instance in which he got sick and had missed two important classes; because the two of shared the same class, you had prepared separate notes for him despite him not asking you for anything, or the numerous times you would invite him to your dates with Jeno, worried that you might be leaving him out deliberately. Because you understood more than anyone how much Jeno meant for him, he is his bestfriend after all-afraid that you might be overstepping your boundaries when it came to their bond.

How you would ask permission from him for the insignificant of things like staying over during their movie or gaming nights. How you would also prepare meals for him on the day the three of you happened to be at Jeno's place, insisting that he stay whenever Jaemin feels like he is intruding during your private time with him, even though his visit was unannounced. Jaemin could never bring himself to hate you-how could he when in fact, he envied you. You were everything he was not- kind, beautiful, and thoughtful, always so considerate and mindful of others, gleaming with confidence.

He wishes he were you.

You are such an angel.

 

 

She's got you mesmerized while I die

The pinnacle of Jaemin's heartbreak comes not too soon after they spend a night at the beach, partying together with several other people from the same batch of their course-in celebration of their upcoming graduation ceremony.

They are sitting in front of the bonfire, a bottle of beer in both their hands as they take occasional swigs; the flame cackling and hissing, sending little sparks up in the sky. Jaemin discreetly eyes Jeno from the corner of his eye, the fire illuminating his sharp features, making it appear even more beautiful in the night glow, accompanied by the flame light.

Jeno is always radiant, he deems.

His gaze falters a bit when he observes the quite smile that makes it way to his countenance, his subject of interest being you when you grace your presence at the party with your friends. You don't notice them just yet, and Jeno's eyes are permanently fixed on your every little movement, the quirk of his lips widening by the second.

You have him mesmerized.

Jeno finally tears his stare away from you, seemingly satisfied, a prominent beam gracing his visage. Jaemin feels a dull ache in his chest, reminding him of the reality, the quite sound of bass playing from the stereo adding to the melancholic atmosphere. He watches their silhouettes that is reflecting on the sand, shadows close and almost touching, yet in reality, they are drifting apart.

"I'm going to marry her," Jeno breaks the calm serenity (breaking Jaemin's heart alongside it). He tilts his head up, taking in the starry night, a content grin playing on his lips,

"I'm going to marry her, Jaem," he says again, this time with a reassuring smile on his face as he spares a glance towards Jaemin's direction.

Jaemin can only offer a tight smile in return, hoping it doesn't turn out like a grimace. Thankfully Jeno seems too busy in his own little world to notice the brooding silence that has taken over Jaemin.

By the end of the semester, things seems to have escalated because Jeno stands there with you in front of the whole class, a shy smile on your face and a contagious beam on his face as he announces,

"She said yes."

Loud cheers erupt in the class as confetti's drop everywhere, and amidst the celebration Jeno makes his way towards Jaemin, arms spread widely, ready to engulf his best man in a tight embrace,

"Congratulations, Jen. I'm so happy for you, both of you," Jaemin lies through his teeth, hoping, praying, that his voice doesn't break.

Jaemin dies a little within.

He lied, he died a whole lot more than little.

 

***

 

why would you ever kiss me

I'm not even half as pretty

"You may kiss the the bride,"

The pastor informs and Jaemin watches, his heart twisting and flailing inside his chest, a thick lump forming in his throat, eyes filled to the brim with unshed tears, as Jeno and you seal a kiss, officially pronounced as married couple.

You looked so pretty in your white gown, the most gorgeous bride, Jaemin thinks, and Jeno is adorned in a black tuxedo, gone was the boy he knew when he was younger, now a refined and mature Jeno stood in front of you. A man full of committing promises, until death do you apart.

The ceremony is held during a warm spring day with only close family members and friends invited, at a local beach.

After entertaining the guests and spending some time with you and Jeno, Jaemin excuses himself to take a breather. He finds himself walking along the shore of the beach, away from the noisy chatter and blaring music behind him.

With his shoes in one hand, his feet digs into the sand, leaving prints before it is washed away by the water. It was almost metaphorical, as if reminding him that his existence will be diminishing from Jeno's life gradually. The waves align perfectly to the shore, covering his feet entirely at random intervals. And he walks and walks until the sound behind him is nothing but a white noise.

He also belatedly realizes his shoulder is trembling, vision blurring as tears are streaming down his cheeks, his resolve and endurance now breaking. He falls apart completely, silently weeping as he strides further away, huffing and gasping for air. It feels like someone's stepping on his chest, blocking his airway, making it hard for him to breathe. The crashing sound of waves and the cicadas singing provides him a bit of comfort, telling him he has got company, but is still not enough- it does not mount to the anguish that wells up inside of him.

He chokes on his tears, trying to breathe through his mouth, swallowing the thick lump forming in his throat. Jaemin could not even tell where it hurt the most because, it hurt everywhere. The searing pain was overbearing and everything becomes a throbbing memory, Jeno speaking his vows as he peers deeply into your eyes, voice cracking in between, so much love being conveyed from his stare alone, and how he kisses you tenderly by the end of it.

It's haunting him now, how he could never be you. How he never stood a chance. How pretty of a girl you are that it almost stung his eyes, how Jeno would never dream of kissing him. 

He slow trudge ceases as he comes to a halt, wiping his tears with the back of his hand, and taking a deep breath.

It is not the end of the world, he tries to console himself. He'll be fine, eventually.

He takes solace in the fact knowing Jeno is loved and cared for by someone like you.

He will be okay, the last of his tears rolling down his cheeks.