When did all started to go wrong? Byul-yi had asked herself the same question over and over, like a never-ending loop, yet she couldn’t find the answer. She searched in every piece of memory, reliving even those moments she had buried in the depths of her mind willing to erase them, because the reason of their break up might be in one of those neglected memories. They fought a lot, she couldn’t deny it. But they always found their way back to each other as if it was their natural trajectory, like satellites rotating around one planet. Could it be their paths really diverted from now on? She did not want to believe it, but it seemed their almost magnetic attraction had reached its limit.

The darkness of the room was briefly lit by her phone buzzing, thrown away in some corner. She ignored it. If it wasn’t her, she didn’t have the energy to communicate with any other living creature. And she knew it wasn’t the owner of her thoughts who contacted her. Stirring in bed, feeling her muscles complain after what felt like hours of complete stillness, she lied on her right side hugging her knees as the routine of the last three days dictated. Byul felt absolutely at loss, disoriented, soulless if you allowed her to be a little dramatic. Years of commitment have ended abruptly and there was nothing anyone, not even herself, could do to lift her spirits. Another buzz disturbed the darkness, and then dozens of notification followed suit, making her phone ring with a tinge of desperation. Irritated and curious, she got up and search for her phone.

The tinkles didn’t stop even when she lifted it. Twenty notifications, twenty-five, thirty... What in the world was happening?

She unlocked the screen and frowned at the sight of the almost twenty notifications she had on Instagram and a vertiginously increasing number in other platforms. Normally , the amount of messages wouldn’t be an unusual event, if it wasn’t because she haven’t uploaded any content for almost a week, purposefully avoiding social media. Sighing deeply to ease the knot at the top of her stomach, she pressed the camera-like icon to open the application. What a mistake. There was no need to take a look at the private messages, it was obvious what they were about. And she didn’t have any intention of answering whatever questions or comments the people had on her girl... ex-girlfriend posting a photo with a man and a caption saying “love you” and a rolling eyes emoticon. She hadn’t told anyone but her best friends about the break-up, hoping to escape the gossiping and harsh comments she or her previous partner would be target of. Nonetheless her efforts proved to be futile.

Byul had let her hand fall to her side, the notifications still going on but at longer intervals. She didn’t notice when they stopped. It was as if she had gone on energy-saving function, barely conscious of her surrounding or her own existence. She was breathing of course, but her mind was blank, She was standing there, without moving, her chest barely rising up and down, not feeling anything at all with her conscience shut down and her senses completely numbed.

What brought her back to life was a hand on her shoulder, shaking her awake when she didn't realize she had fallen asleep. She was sitting lying against the wall,the phone on the floor next to her feet, her eyes sticky and irritated from tears she didn't even remember to have shed. It was obvious who has there, embracing her, yet she looked up to see the worried expression of her dear friend and roommate in the ray of light that slipped through the half-opened door.

“Unnie, c’mon, lay in your bed at least.”

“Wheein-ah,” she called with a raspy voice. She sounded miserable. “I hate her.”

She heard a heavy exhalation, but decided it was due to her short friend making an herculean effort to carry all of her weight to the bed. She lied on her side, trying hard not to cry as the fingers  her hair brought back memories she would rather forget right now.

“We both know you don’t.” Reasoned the younger one, drying tears away with her thumb.

“I do.”

And she couldn’t say anything else due to the sobs that escaped  with no control at all.

*

*

*

There wasn’t a lot Byul could actually remember form the past month. Since the break up, everything was hazy, as if her mind and her vision were always clouded and blurry. She would go to classes and then find out the lesson was over even when she hadn’t caught a single word, sometimes not even registering the teacher's presence. She had missed her station several times while riding the bus, she couldn’t remember what people said to her after a few hours, she spaced out constantly... And the list could go on and on.

However, there was only a clear moment in her mind. The night  she decided to hate Kim Yongsun.

After seeing that photo, she felt like there wasn’t anything else to do aside from hating her. Not because she honestly did, but because it felt like the only way to stick to Yongsun without sinking down further. Byul didn’t have much energy left, so she was focusing the scarce remains of it on displaying her hostility.

A blank stare when their eyes coincided, bumping her shoulder intentionally when they crossed paths, closing the elevator doors when she looked desperate to be on time for class, and whatever made clear that her hatred was real.

“You are being childish.” Said Wheein the day Byul had bought the last toppoki plate in the cafeteria when Yongsun was lining a few turns after. And everyone knew Byul wasn’t eating much as her weight had dropped visibly during the last weeks.

“I am not.” She argued, taking one of the spicy rice cakes. Yet her stomach complained loudly, reminding her of its hunger strike.

“For God sake’s, Unnie. You can’t even eat half a bowl of rice lately, you couldn’t be craving for toppoki, of all foods.”

“Well, I can.”

“What’s the point on doing that?” Insisted her roomie, looking at her with tired puppy eyes.

“I just hate her, Wheein-ah.” Byul answered almost in a whisper, as if the words were so heavy she barely had the strength to make they roll out of her tongue.

“I’ve told you. You don’t.” The younger girl’s gaze was full of concern. Byul didn’t want to argue, yet this time the words came out automatically.

“Why don’t you go with her if it bothers you so much? Hyejin is also there.”

Wheein’s expression went through an array of multiple emotions until it settled down on what Byul would call incredulity. Yet, she didn’t go away and just kept on poking her lunch with the chopsticks. The issue was left intact, as if they had made a wordless pact of forgetting what happened that day.

*

*

*

What started as a one-sided aversion, soon turned into a two-sided cold war. It escalated to the point everyone on campus knew, and took a side, on the dispute. The university dancing club, to which Byul belonged to, decided to step out of the deal they had with the singing club, led by Yongsun, and made clear they didn’t want to perform anymore with them. It wasn’t Byul’s idea, but a lot of people seemed to think it was. On the other hand, the singing club members that helped with the song remixes for the dance competitions,  made clear they won’t be lending a hand anymore. She was almost sure It wasn’t Yongsun’s idea, yet again, lots of people thought it was.

It was an awful situation getting bigger and out of control with each passing day.

“Unnie, could you please tell your dancing monkeys to stop blasting the music outside of our window when we are practicing?” Byul had picked the call of her other best friend, Hyejin, a Wednesday evening.

“Says you or Yongsun?”The girl at the other side of the line scoffed.

“You are a ing .” The line went dead after that.

Next to her, Wheein stirred uncomfortably, looking almost as if she wanted to run away from the room but couldn’t because they were practicing for an upcoming competition. They both signed heavily, standing awkwardly side to side.

“Let’s tell the guys to practice in room number two.” Peacefully offered the younger dancer, getting ready to go out and bring back her fellow members to one of their practice rooms.

“Do you care that much about them?” Questioned Byul with an arched eyebrow, looking like the only thought of acting according to their demand was a blasphemy.

“Don’t you think it could be more... Civil? I don’t know, show them we aren’t some kind of savages?” Countered the girl, weakly showing her dimple smile.

“Last time, they sent the remix of our song with a bunch of fart sounds in it, Wheein-ah.” The taller girl got closer and placed a hand on her should. “The kids are just getting their revenge.”

Byul shook off the goosebumps her friend’s cold stare caused to run along her spine and hurried to put the music back on. She had been slacking a lot with the end of her almost three-years long relationship. She needed to get back in shape to win the national dance competition regional preliminaries.

She would be participating in the group modality and, for second year in a row, pairing with Wheein for the couple modality. They had an unmatched chemistry when it came to dancing, she hadn’t even experienced this kind of spiritual link with her former lover. Byul liked to exaggerate and say they were destined to be each other partner, like kindred spirits who had traveled long to finally meet each other. Her friend would always scowl with disgust and whine, even gag at her corny remark, but at the next second they were dancing with the synchronization of two puppets controlled by the same set of strings.

Byul-yi had been having a hard time, but thanks to her friend’s support she was able to keep going on.

*

*

*

“You are being an absolute jerk!”Screamed Yongsun, face flushed from anger.

“Are you talking to me or to your reflection?” Countered Byul with a threatening aura surrounding her.

They haven’t crossed a word since the break up until today. And while both pitied the fact that their first conversation after three months was more of a fight, none of them drew back or gave indications of wanting to tone down the discussion.

The war between their clubs had aggravated with such speed it became impossible to put a halt on. This time, someone had messed with their personal belongings, and instead of trying to search for the real culprit, they decided to blame each other as the default option. Byul knew how much her ex-girlfriend loved her personal microphone, she would have never been able to make even a tiny scratch on it. On the same way, Yongsun was aware of how precious Byul’s black lucky cap was for her, and she wouldn’t even thought of poke it with a needle let alone making a hole in it. Yet, they were so blinded by fury and piled feelings from their separation there wasn’t more on their minds more than confront each other.

The frustration bottled up for months erupted like a volcano, letting out every unsaid thing, accusing each other for things left in the past, rubbing their faults on each other faces. They vented on like steam machines, while Hyejin bit her lips on Yongsun’s side and Wheein fumbled around them, looking hopelessly at her other friend for salvation. But the only thing she got was a cold shoulder that froze her to her feet.

“Oh my God, why is it so difficult for you to admit that you’ve been an idiot all this time?” Snapped Hyejin after Byul said something the young dancer didn’t catch.

“Hyejin, that is not of your business.” Menaced Byul almost in a growl.

“Haven’t you noticed? Your lover’s quarrel became everyone’s ing business”Yonsung was appalled at the brunette’s intervention and incapable of mustering a single word, she remained silent. “I’m sick of your fights. I thought you were an adult but it turns out you are worse than a middle-schooler.”

“Has she been any better than me?” Byul asked looking at her ex-lover.

“Stop dragging people down to make yourself look better!” Roared the young singer. “She wasn’t the one who started. You were angry because she didn’t look like she was sinking after you broke up. You wanted her to be miserable and guess what? You succeeded, you selfish idiot.”

“Hyejin-ah, you don’t have to be so harsh.” Wheein took a step to the front just to recoil with her childhood friends fierce response.

“You are too easy on her, Jung Wheein.” At the sound of her full name the dancer shivered and tensed, looking exactly like a dog who’s getting told off for biting its owner’s shoes. “I know she helped you a lot during our first year here, but you should also be able to tell that she’s being an lately. You know both sides story yet you’re always running back to confort her while neglecting Yonsung Unnie!”

“That’s not true...” The dimple girl’s weak answer didn’t seem to apaciguate the burning rage of her friend.

“It is and you know it! I always thought you were the most sensible out of the four, but it seems I was wrong.” Byul could her her tiny friend’s breath hitch at those merciless words. “I’m really tired of this.”

Hyejin’s anger seemed to decrease at Wheein’s abated figure. They were life-long friends, two peas in a pod, never one without the other. Yet there they were, on different sides of a barricade, separated by a problem that it wasn’t even theirs. Yongsun had covered and looked as if she was having a hard time believing the scene unfolding before her eyes. Byul didn’t dare to move, scared of Hyejin’s reaction, but she was worried for her dancer fellow who, now standing by herself, looked tired and sad, almost fragile. The sudden silence was broken by another set of heavy words.

“I don’t want anything to do with you, unnie.” She said, looking straight into Byul-yi eyes. She grabbed the older singer by the hand and with a sight added: “And that includes you, Wheein.”

They disappeared within seconds, leaving behind a rather heavy atmosphere. The younger kept looking into the distance, lost in thought. She didn’t move or talk for minutes, only inhaling deeply and letting out shaky exhalations. Byul wasn’t sure of how should she approach her. Whatever happened minutes ago was her fault, but she had no idea on how to deal with it. Dubiously, she placed a hand on her shoulder. Her shorter friend was shaking.

“I’m pretty sure she didn’t mean all she said...”

The girl nodded mindlessly, this time closing her eyes and covering them with her hands. Her nails were badly bitten.

“Wheein-ah, I am so sorry...”

“Why do I have to lose a fight that is not mine?”

She cried like Byul had never seen her cry. Wheein was always the toughest of the four, the one that illuminated dark gloomy days with only a smile. She was a power bank for them, bringing joy just by being the cute sweet puppy she is. But now, holding her in arms as she melts in bitter tears, Byul realized how delicate she actually was.

*

*

*

Byul-yi was standing at the tiny veranda of her shared apartment, holding a mug of lavender tea. The sun was setting down, the sky colored pink and orange, the last rays of sun sipping between the surrounding buildings. Late-summer sunsets were their favorites, but today the colors were duller, the scenery too beautiful for someone with the heart heavy with guilt. Byul knew she had spent too much time drowning in self-pity, trying to keep on floating through petty behavior that was harming not only her numbed soul but also those of the precious ones surrounding her.

Soon as they got home after the fight, Wheein locked herself in her room. Byul decided the best approach was to give her space, because the young dancer preferred finding solutions by herself, diving in the depths of her emotions. However, two days have passed and the door with colorful beautiful flowers on it remained shut. The senior had knocked several times, asking her roomie to come out or, at least, to eat the food she was leaving outside the room. But she was meet on the other end with no response at all. She would have even thought the girl had escaped through the window if it wasn’t because muffled sobs filled the still heavy silence of the flat. There couldn’t be worse punishment than listening to someone you consider your young sister crying her eyes out every now and then.

Releasing yet another sight, she sipped her tea while blankly staring at the darkening sky. The pent up emotions overflowed her chest once again and there was no human power to stop the tears from running down her cheeks. She wanted to believe that none of what’s going was her fault, but every single thing led to her being the culprit .

She was Yongsun’s best friend on the first place. They were alike in many ways, they connected to an unbelievable level, like two pieces of a whole. And their perfect harmony could have continued for the rest of their lives if Byul hadn’t fallen in love. If she had kept those feeling in secret, this cliche of a breakup wouldn't have happened. Yet, she let herself be convinced by her young friends ambiguous word of support and eventually confessed to her bestie. The dancer would be lying if she said she regretted that decision. Quite the contrary, she spend the most amazing three years with her ex. Yet, a little tiny bit of her brain, mocked her for believing in such a common, ordinary love story with the most predictable ending.

But she had already overcome the “I shouldn’t have fallen in love” crisis. What tormented her now the most was thinking that her break up wasn’t only hers, that she and Yong weren’t the only ones hurt. Without noticing –or maybe she did, but she was too engrossed in her self-pity- she had caused another relationship to come to an end. Keeping Wheein by her side was the only thing that made her get up every morning, but selfishly keeping her by her side was the reason behind Hyejin’s outburst. Byul was aware of how much Wheein respected her and knew very well that the girl wouldn’t leave her alone even if she had to endure her childish behavior. She took advantage of that and forgot the younger was also friends with both Yongsun and Hyejin. Byul-yi wanted so much to be able to continue her life, that she didn’t realice she was hurting the person who cared about her the most.

If she hadn’t been so immersed in trying to hate Kim Yongsun, she would have noticed that Wheein was poking her food more frequently, that she was eating less. She would have perceived how much weight she had lost when they were changing for their dance practices. Or she would have been aware of the nail-biting habit making a full comeback. She could have even become aware of her staring mindlessly at her cellphone, waiting for responses that either made her eyes water or, in the worst cases, never came. Byul had deliberately ignored all those signs when they happened right under her nose.

“Unnie, are you okay?”Byul bit her lip upon hearing those words. How could she worry so much about her?

“That’s my line, Wheein-ah. Are you okay?”She dried away the tears and turned around after mustering some courage. The young lady looked tired, red puffy eyes barely opened, her face paler than the white walls of the kitchen.

“Yeah... I’m just hungry.”She answered trying to sound nonchalant.

“We could order something.”Byul offered.

“I... I am not that hungry.”Wheein shyly said, fidgeting with the oversized t-shirt that was a present from Hyejin.

“Let me prepare you something then.”

“I came out of my room in order to survive, not to get food-poisoning.”

“Yah!”The younger snickered. While she felt offended by the implication, Byul’s chest swelled with joy of seeing her friend sincere smile. She got close to the shorter girl and patted her head, lowering her hand to cup her cheek. “I’m sorry, Wheein-ah.”

“It’s okay, Unnie.”

“No, it’s not.”

Her voice cracked slightly. Being careful of not spilling the leftover tea, she hugged her roomie, who tensed at first but then let herself be engulfed in her arms. A seconds later she heard soft sniffles and then fist clutching tightly her shirt. Without a word, she just let the girl cry for God knows how long. She could only caress her hair and back, shushing sweetly like a mom will do to calm her baby. There weren’t any appropriate words to convey her remorse.

“I am really sorry for being selfish. If I had paid more attention, you guys wouldn’t have fought.”

“Maybe”She said, breaking the hug. “It not like we’ve never had big fights. It’s just that...”She could almost see the words getting stuck at the top of “I’ve come to love her so much, it almost felt like a break up.”

It wasn’t only our break up, Yong. She thought as her heart shrank at how defenseless Wheein looked after her confession.