Warning:

There are some derogatory comments towards women. Even though it is only in one sentence (three terms), I thought it was worth mentioning, especially if it could be triggering for some people.

Disclaimer:

This is simply a fanfiction and has no bearing on the people mentioned. Please do not take the negative comments or perceptions to heart. Please enjoy! :)

Ding! 

The bell sounded, signalling a customer entering into the flower shop. “Be right there!” I shouted as I finished another flower arrangement. I swiftly approached with my signature customer smile, hiding how tired I truly was. “Hello, welcome to Flawlessly Floral! My name is Hyorin, how may I assist you today?” The customer was an elderly gentleman, slender and most likely in his eighties with glasses two sizes too big. “Hm?” he had responded while looking entirely lost in the store. I sighed somewhat impatiently. I mean it was near closing time, so can you blame me? Having to be ridiculously chirpy every time you place the “Flawlessly Floral” name tag on or having to repeat the same phrase over and over again everyday...one can only be so creative. I then repeated myself with as much patience as I could muster. He seemed to understand if his nodding of his head was any indication. “Ah, I’m sorry. I don’t usually come to these types of shops for flowers. You see, I usually go out and venture across our land to collect the very best display of wildflowers. This time, though, I wanted something real special, like special flowers.” No kidding. Flowers? It’s not like we have ‘Flawlessly Floral’ in large letters on the window or on the building for mere decoration. 

Obviously, I did not voice this. Instead, I waited patiently for him to finish. “It’s our anniversary, my Bride and I’s. We are celebrating a strong sixty years,” he proudly spoke and stood a little taller, “and I want her to remember this bouquet far over the rest. She loves the color yellow, says it reminds her of all the joy in her youth, which would then turn into continued blessings in the years to come.” He had continued talking, but I barely heard another word. Sixty years, huh? My heart ached in longing, thinking of my boyfriend and me growing old together — him buying me flowers on our sixtieth anniversary. “So, little miss, do you think you can help me?” My thoughts were abruptly cut short by his question. Chuckingly awkwardly, I stumbled out an “Of course!” much louder than I had intended. Despite my obvious day dreaming, he didn’t seem peeved, in fact, he smiled. “What’s their name?” I was confused with what he meant, so I responded, “I’m sorry?” 

“What’s their name — the reason for your dreaming and smiling, a fond gaze on your face?”

“Oh, haha,” I chuckled nervously. Man, this old man is so annoyingly perceptive! “Youngbae,” I answered softly. “That’s a nice name,” he said, “he must be quite something if he’s got you smiling like that!” He meant it in a kind-hearted way, but all I responded with was a nod of my head. Gesturing for him to follow, I led the way to the yellow flower section.

Yeah, he is quite something, isn’t he?

Quite late. Again. 

I sigh as I look at my phone once more. No calls, no texts. I don’t know what I was expecting? This has been happening more often than not. Last week it was “Sorry, babe. I’m so so sorry. Jiyong ah wanted to show me some new beats, then Teddy hyung came in. Time just flew by. I know I should’ve called, and I’m sorry I didn’t! It won’t happen again.”

Except it did.

He attempted to make it up to me the very next day, but of course, ‘duty calls.’ It was right in the middle of dinner as well — Go, figure. It had only been after a couple bites of my lamb brochette when his phone started blowing up with dozens of text messages, and then a following amount of phone calls. “Just answer, Youngbae,” I spoke, exasperated. The awkward silence had gone on long enough because of the constant ‘dinging’ of his phone, music to my ears…

At least, he had enough good manners to grin at me sheepishly before answering the call. Not sure why I was surprised by the next words coming out of his mouth when he returned, but I guess something in me hoped it would’ve been different.

“Umm, so I have to go, but I promise—” 

I cut him off, “Just go, Youngbae.”

“Are you sure? I can—”

“You can what? Are you going to call and say you won’t be coming in?” I question with an arched brow, arms crossed. He looked down in his lap, nervous, as he bit his lip. I sighed. I knew it.

“So, since you are leaving first, I guess I’ll be going as well?” I said while I started packing my things and motioning for the bill. 

“Uh, you can stay if you want. I don’t want to rush you,” he quietly responded.

“And stay here all by myself?” I say with a bitter scoff, “No, thank you. I’d rather save some of my dignity.” He didn’t say anything to that.

We left the restaurant, where I ended up getting dropped off at our shared apartment. As I went through my night routine, my phone started blowing up with notifications. I went to silence my phone since I knew it couldn’t be good. Youngbae and I had gone out in public. On a date. Just the two of us. Whenever he reminded the public he had a girlfriend, everyone went ballistic: fans and netizens. The life of a celebrity was difficult for sure, but the life of dating a celebrity was almost worse. Sure enough, my curiosity got the better of me and I opened my Instagram. Screenshots of news reports with disgusting edits of me were everywhere, not to mention the influx of nasty comments flooding my comment section: “gold-digger”, “b*tch”, “worthless nobody” or my personal favorite, “attention-seeking, pathetic wh*re.” Ugh. I exited out of the app and took a deep breath. They know nothing about me, yet they say such horrid things. I would never understand. Just another thing to add to my ever-growing list of complications in our relationship. So, I stayed up. My mind wide awake, thinking of all the terrible things said about me, and punishing myself for even looking when I knew better. As I laid there alone, the silence and darkness felt crushing.

Youngbae didn’t come back until the early hours of the next morning.

So, yeah, that was last week. The whole rest of last week had been crammed with his ever-changing schedule, I barely even saw him. I understood how difficult it was for him: helping his labelmates with their albums and projects as well as working alongside Jiyong in the studio, for what I can only presume to be another GDYB subunit album (*speaking this into existence — methinks, yes 😉*). Not that he told me much. Perhaps he thought it would bore me? Regardless, is it too much to ask for a little consideration? A little attention? I feel like I’ve been patient. I’ve been a good girlfriend, always supportive. Why can’t he do his part?

So, there you have it. Now here I am, once again most likely unintentionally stood up or forgotten. I’ve been waiting close to three hours, so I’m wondering when would be a good time to give up and head home. As I was debating with myself, my phone chimed with a message. I reached into my coat pocket and pressed the home button, lighting up the lock screen:

       INSTAGRAM            chaelincl liked your photo                   now

Oh, so not Youngbae. And when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, life then decides to show me just how much it wants me to suffer. Rain. “Wow, perfect,” I thought aloud. I sat there on the bench getting drenched, feeling too sorry for myself to move. Maybe if I washed away that stupid Youngbae would finally take notice? Doesn’t he know I’m one of the best things to happen to him?! As seconds turned into minutes, my inward battle of anger and frustration turned into one of sadness and loneliness. Why am I always the second choice? Am I really that easy to forget? Tears blurred my vision and ran down my face, mixing with the rain.  It didn’t matter whether it was true because it felt true. Whatever makeup I had originally started out with had washed away, matching my mood.

I finally stood up from the bench and decided for myself that I was done. It had been too long. I’ve put up with this for too long. A relationship wasn’t supposed to be like this, I thought. In fact, is what I have even considered a relationship? I shook my head. It doesn’t matter to me anymore because I’m through with this treatment, through with it just being me that cares. So, I did what I should’ve done months ago: I messaged Youngbae’s number with a “We need to talk.” I didn’t wait for his reply. Instead, I started walking home and this time, with much more clarity than before.

YOUNGBAE 💞: 

Of course, darling 💛 Is everything alright?   

Read [7:05 pm]                                                  

 Youngbae didn’t get off work until much later in the night. And when he did, I was sitting on one of the lounge chairs facing where he’d enter, our entrance way. I made sure to stay in my nice attire that I’d worn on what was supposed to have been one of our dates. So, when he saw me he would know just how much he messed up. No more “He’s busy or tired, I don’t want to disturb him” because I’m tired too, I’m busy too. We clear the air tonight. I heard a key being turned and my gut dropped, I started having second thoughts. No. Stick with it, Hyorin. He needs to hear what you have to say. So, I stood my ground and held my gaze at the door as it opened. My stomach felt like it had been er-punched when I finally saw his face. He looked worn, dark circles prominent and his face showing a severe loss of weight. And if that couldn’t be enough to make me feel guilty or rethink my course of action, he pulls out a small bouquet of white water-lilies from behind his back. Offering them to me accompanied with a tired, sweet smile, he said, “Here, darling. I know I’ve been so busy, it’s been so hectic.” He spoke this while approaching me then kneeling at my feet once I had wordlessly accepted the flowers. I guess my face portrayed no emotion because he decided to explain himself further. “These are for you,” he said, gesturing to the bouquet, “I know it’s a small gift, and I owe you so much more. You’ve been so patient and —.” “Just STOP!” I interrupted, standing, clearly shaken. He partially fell back at my sudden movement, eyes wide in surprise at my raised voice. I never raised my voice, especially not at him. But it was his next words that reminded me of my purpose in confronting him tonight. “Rin, why are you dressed so nicely? Was it a special day at the shop?” He sounded genuinely confused and maybe I should’ve been kinder in my next words. But as it sometimes does, your mouth gets the best of you, for as soon as I opened my mouth, everything started flowing and I could do nothing to stop it. “You’ve got to be freakin’ kidding me. Are you serious right now?!” My words held a venomous after-taste, rising by the second. I could see the flash of panic in his eyes as he tried to piece together why I was upset. I scoffed and continued, “You know I always wear this yellow-blue dress on our anniversary!” I shouted that part and then resumed my scolding. 

“The same dress that you bought for me on our first date, Youngbae! The same dress we had some of our best memories in! The same dress you said reminded you of the sky!” My voice began to get shaky. “I’m your sky! The sun...is always there w-with the sky…” I trailed off, as tears began spilling down my face and the cries choking my throat. I couldn’t finish my sentence and collapsed on the nearby couch, hands covering my face as I let out months worth of tears. Ugh, I didn’t want to cry tonight. I guess it had been long since I last had a good cry. Too long. I heard no movement from him and I snuck a peak. He was still on the ground utterly shocked by my display; however, his eyes said it all: regret. He finally approached where I was, semi-crawling towards me. “Rin, baby, please. I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry…” He held me in his arms, crying softly, and I let him hold me with my continued heart-wrenching sobs, which shook my whole body. I was tired and mentally beat-up, and I didn’t think I could do this anymore. So, I said that.

“I can’t do this anymore, Youngbae,” I spoke quietly through my cries. I could still hear his sniffling but there was still no response. I waited. my head gently, he asked, “What did you say, my love?” All these pet names, but especially that one, had once brought me such joy yet now brought me only pain because I knew this would be the last time I would ever hear them addressed to me. “I can’t do this anymore, Youngbae. My heart can’t take this anymore. I’m in such pain. I’m no longer your number one,” I finished. “What?” Youngbae said, doubt starting to seep into his voice. Then, he continued, “What do you mean you’re no longer my number one? Hyorin, you’re the most important person to me.” He had spoken it with such strength and confidence that I wanted to believe it. But, I just couldn’t. Not now. I sure didn’t feel like the most important, and I sure hadn’t been treated as such either. “Am I?” My voice finally gained the strength I needed. I moved out of his embrace to look at him face-to-face.

“Youngbae, if this is how you treat people you deeply care about, then I want no part in it.”

“I know I’ve been busy—.”

“That’s the thing...you’re always busy!”

He cringed at my volume, but I couldn’t hold back now. This was too important to let go. I had bottled it up for so long, letting it nag me. Before he could get a response in, I continued, “You never have time anymore.  You’re never home. We never spend time together. You’re always late on our dates or have to leave right in the middle. It’s always the same routine: work, work and more work! I’ve tried being patient, being understanding. Trust me, I’ve tried, but nothing changes. It’s always the same. If you put all your care into your work, then what’s left for me?”

He stared at me, maybe looking a little at a loss due to my words. But these were my thoughts — the truth as I could see it, and he needed to know. He needed to know why we had to break up. “That’s why I think we should break up.”

That got his attention. 

“What?! Break up?! Rin, please. I said I was sorry. I’ll do better!”

“Youngbae, I’m tired, and I don’t want to do this anymore. This has been going on for almost over two years. Can’t you understand me?”

He had unshed tears in his eyes, not sure if it was from exhaustion or from my decision, “Hyorin, I’ll quit my job but please don’t leave! Let me fix this.”

I’m not sure who he was trying to convince me or himself. “What are you even saying? Do you even hear yourself?” I spoke in an exasperated tone. “You can’t quit, Youngbae! You love this job and there are many who depend on you,” I tell him like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “But if having this job means losing you, then I don’t want it,” he finished the end of the sentence quietly, but I’d heard. I thought he might be joking but his face was completely serious. 

“Youngbae,” I sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose, feeling a headache coming on. He looked even more tired than before if that was possible, yet he still gave me his full attention. “I can’t tell you how to live your life or what to do. I can only take care of me and that means making the best choice for me, which is to take time away from all of this,” I said gesturing to the room and to him. “Please understand me. I need you to. You need to want this just as much as I do — I did. I can’t be on the back-burner. I feel taken for granted.” He swallowed and all I could see was an image of a kicked puppy. My words seemed to have shaken him to the core. Perhaps this was a good sign? A wake-up call? A few minutes passed with no response that I was beginning to question whether he had even heard me, when he slowly nodded his head. “I understand.”

Which part? I gave him an inquisitive look, echoing my current thoughts. “All of it,” he responded, which cleared up any misunderstanding I might have had, “I haven’t been fair to you.” Biting his bottom lip then slightly hunching his shoulders, Youngbae continued speaking, “I didn’t know it was this bad. Why didn’t you ever say anything?”

There it was: the heart of the matter. Why hadn’t I spoken up about this the whole time we had been together if it had truly bothered me? That’s easy, because you looked like you had enough to deal with, plenty of burdens from everyone, even those considered close to you. And I would never want to be the cause of any unnecessary stress in your life. I would never want to be a burden. 

All those words circled my mind, but none of them verbalized. Youngbae’s eyes searched mine. “Hyorin?” he softly called, “Did you hear what I said?” Finally, my vocal chords decided to start working, serving their designated purpose, “Yes.”

“And?”

“I didn’t want to be a burden. Not to you. You don’t know what it felt like, dating secretly all that time, then going public...what people said or how they treated me…” 

“Was my love that much of a burden to you? Did you not feel like I loved you?” He didn’t speak this harshly or angrily, but instead, looked hurt. This wasn’t where I was expecting this conversation to go tonight, opening old wounds better left buried. “No, it wasn’t all you. It was everything. Is everything. The lights, the fame, the fans, the long schedules, the many people I do not know surrounding you constantly.” The weariness was obvious in my voice. “I just don’t think I can do it anymore, Youngbae. I’m tired.” Tired seemed to be the overarching theme. Surely, that was something he’d understand. I wasn’t a celebrity, and yet, I was being treated like I was: impossible standards and hateful content constantly in my line of sight. But the worst part wasn’t the ugly things they said about me. No, it was the ugly things they said about him: “Seriously, kick him out. It’s not like he brings much to the group anyway”, “His musical career isn’t going great, so he decides to have a dating scandal”, “He’s got no personality whatsoever. He’s no GD ㅋㅋㅋ” or “The ugliest member finding a match ㅋㅋ.” I never said anything about it, for how could I?

 The silence following my short speech was deafening. I glanced at the clock on the side table, it read 1:25 a.m., meaning our talk must have lasted several hours.

“Alright.” I heard Youngbae say next to me.

“Alright?”

“Yes, alright. I understand and if you think a break is needed, then perhaps we should consider it.” A content smile came to my face when I knew he had heard me and didn’t brush it off. “Thank you,” I responded, putting my hand on his knee and giving it a little comforting squeeze, “This means a lot to me.” My heart felt lighter now. He had heard me and didn’t just ‘let it go.’

“You mean a lot to me,” he said. He grabbed my hand that had been resting on his knee. I responded with an “I know.” And for the second time, I felt peace and clarity.

“So...I guess this is it? I’ll move into my mother’s house for the time being.” My sentence was cut short when he brought my hand close to his mouth, laying a delicate kiss across my knuckles. Blushing terribly, I stammered out, “Uh, what are you doing?”

“I’m going to miss you,” his eyes gave me such warmth as he spoke.

“You know I will too, but this will benefit both of us, this break. You’ll see.”

“Hmm,” he hummed in agreement, “Hyorin?” he asked as I stood up from the couch, smoothing my dress out. I turned at my name, “Yes?”

“I won’t let you down this time. I’ll make it up to you. We’ll be together again.” He spoke it like he usually does — confidently. There was a different sense of determination behind those eyes that made me believe his words. “I’m counting on it,” I said with a chuckle and walked away toward the bedroom. Tomorrow would be a new day for both of us, separated for the time being. 

Your turn, Youngbae.

Author's Note:

Please let me know what you think by commenting below! Upvote if you want. It's always encouraging :)

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