Am I better off dead?
Am I better off a quitter?
They say I'm better off now
Than I ever was with her

**************************************

The silence was defeaning.

The walls were closing in on her fast, making her heart constrict and her breathing, shallow.

She closed her eyes as she tried to calm herself down, blocking out the mental images her mind just couldn't seem to let go of.

Finally, she felt her body relax and her heart rate go back to normal. She heaved a sigh of relief as she sat up, feeling exhausted from everything life had recently thrown at her.

In all honesty, Jisoo knew her room was both her solace and her trap. Inside of it, she didn't need to pretend that she was okay. That she was fine.

But it was also where she was assaulted by her own thoughts. By memories that betrayed how totally alone and lost she felt.

It had been two weeks. Two weeks of pure hell she never knew existed.

Was she supposed to be this weak?

No, she wasn't. Not in the slightest.

But something in her broke when that door closed. Just the finality of it all and how utterly painful it was made her fall to her knees, and she had been unable to get back up ever since.

Oh, she had seen it coming from a mile away, she had. Even from the start, it was inevitable. But she closed her eyes and fought for it. Because that's what you do when you love someone right? You fight for them.

But for it to work, the other person must fight for you too.

She sighed as she got up from her bed and headed for the bathroom, her footsteps echoing as she marched towards her destination.

She the faucet and leaned on the sink as she observed her own reflection on the mirror.

She looked like the living dead. To be exact, she felt like the living dead.

Her long raven hair was all over the place, as if she hadn't bothered to comb it for days. Her hazel eyes, which used to have a mischevious glint in them, were now sunken and devoid of any light. Eyebags sagged, and dark circles could be found beneath them. Her lips were chapped, possibly from dehydration, as she had been crying constantly. 

She had barely eaten or drank anything, not for lack of trying, just refused to swallow anything edible. It was as if her body was also violently rejecting the fact that she was now alone.

Alone.

She inhaled deeply, then splashed some water on her face. 

She just wanted this pain to end. The constant ache in her heart was a daily reminder everytime she woke up.

A reminder that she was not enough. Never enough.

"Chu, promise me you won't ever leave me. That you won't break my heart."

She stared at herself in the mirror as those words echoed through her skull, bouncing around her head, repeating as if it mattered.

She had kept her promise.

She was the only one who did.

Suddenly, a loud knock on the door interrupted her ritual of self-loathing.

It was incessant and unrelenting, as if threatening to break it down if she didn't open it soon.

She sighed for the umpteenth time, she had a very good idea who was behind that door.

She wished she would just leave her alone, at the same time she also wished she wouldn't. The contradicting emotions she felt were not helping her deal with the situation at all.

She dragged herself towards the door. When she got there, she stopped and stared at it, as if willing it to open by itself. 

"Jisoo, I know you're in there! Open up for Christ's sake!" she heard a muffled voice behind it.

Finally, she relented and unlocked it.

She was then face to face with someone who looked almost identical to her. 

"God you look like ." she commented as she entered her space.

"Hello to you too, Irene unnie." she mumbled, closing the door behind her.

Irene looked around and put her left hand on her hip.

"I brought you some food." she says, raising the bag she was holding.

"Uh...thanks." Jisoo says as she slumped down on the couch.

"Have you eaten anything at all?" she asked her.

"Maybe?" Jisoo replied in a small voice.

Irene gave her a tight-lipped smile and proceeded to the kitchen. She heard her shuffling around and taking out the utensils.

"I bet you haven't eaten anything at all, so you're going to have lunch with me. I better see you swallowing your food or I swear to God, I'm going to force feed it to you and you're not going to like it." Irene called out.

Jisoo put a pillow on her face and groaned. Her sister can be quite overbearing at times, and this was one of those days.

She knew she was just worried, in fact, she has been visiting her almost daily since the break-up just to make sure she was okay.

She had been patient with her and listened to everything she wanted to express, even if she sounded like a broken record. She sometimes brought along her girlfriend Seulgi, who was also one of her very good friends.

Jisoo had introduced the both of them a long time ago. They had instantly clicked and the rest was history.

Irene poked her head out of the kitchen and looked at her sister.

"Jisoo, come on, let's eat."

Jisoo exhaled and got up, slowly walking towards the dining area.

She sat down across from her sister and checked what she had gotten for her.

Irene had bought her kimbap, chicken, bulgogi and kimchi-jjiggae from her favorite restaurant down the block. Her stomach rumbled as she smelled the delicious food in front of her.

She was admittedly very hungry, and the meal Irene had prepared for her somehow injected a bit of life back into her system.

She immediately helped herself, giving out an appreciative moan as she sipped the soup from the kimchi-jjigae.

Irene's smile became wider as she observed her sister eat with much gusto. 

"So, how have you been?" she asked as she took some of the food and placed it on her plate, purposely missing the chicken. 

That was the thing about them, Jisoo loved chicken with a passion, while her sister on the other hand, was the exact opposite. She didn't complain though because that meant more chicken for her.

"Surviving." Jisoo answered simply as she enjoyed her food. It had been awhile since she was able to eat a proper meal.

Irene nodded as she took a bite from her kimbap.

"I know it feels difficult right now, but it gets better with time. Besides, you deserve someone who will want to stay with you, and not worry about what other people might think about your relationship." 

Jisoo just pursed her lips as she continued to eat.

She wanted to disagree, she did, but she also knew Irene was right. Jennie worried more about her reputation, about what her family might say about them. They had been together since they were Freshmen in college, 7 years to be exact. Barely anyone knew that they were together, Jennie had wanted it hidden. Only Irene and her really close friends Seulgi, her best friend Lisa and her girlfriend Chaeyoung were aware about their status. Even Chaehee, Jennie's best friend, didn't know about them, but she had her suspicions.

"I'm still getting used to it, her not being here." Jisoo tells her instead.

"That's okay, you were together for a long time. Things don't magically become okay within a few days. But I'm here, and so are your friends, and we will do our best to help you get through this." Irene told her sincerely.

Jisoo gave her a small smile.

"Thank you unnie."

She was truly grateful for her presence, as well as for her friends. They all rallied and made sure that she didn't feel left out and it did help her.

Lisa and Chaeyoung would visit her everyday after their shifts ended, and would stay with her until she felt sleepy, just so she wouldn't be haunted by her own thoughts, despite them having an early schedule the next day.

They were her rock that kept her anchored to her sanity.

What they didn't know was that, inspite of all their efforts, she still felt alone, like no one truly understood how this was killing her inside. It was like she was carrying a rock all the way uphill, and all they could do was encourage and cheer her on to make it there.

Honestly, she still couldn't quite get her head wrapped around it, the fact that they had broken up. She knew that Jennie loved her, she felt it in her bones. Unfortunately, Jennie was just too consumed about how society viewed her choices. 

While she was still busy with her thoughts, she didn't realize that Irene had been talking to her about something.

Her sister had noticed that she had spaced out, so she quickly called her attention.

"Jis. Hey! Earth to Jisoo? Are you there?"

Jisoo looked at her sister and blinked a few times.

"Oh, I'm sorry unnie. You were saying something?"

Irene sighed, but repeated what she was trying to tell her sister.

"I said that Lisa just told me that she got us VIP access to that new high-end club called The Velvet Room. We should all go out tonight, I think it will be good for you. Rather than be stuck here and mope all day, why not take a breath of fresh air for once?" Irene informed her.

Jisoo wasn't really up for partying all night. She just wanted to stay in her room and be alone.

"Unnie, I really don't want to go. You guys can have fun without me." she told her.

"Jisoo, it has been two weeks. You filed for what? A month's leave? From there, you haven't left your house ever since. I know people have different ways of coping with a breakup, but I don't want you staying in this house alone with your own thoughts. You need this, you and I both know it."

"Aish...unnie..." she whined.

"Jisoo, come on, it's just one night. Trust me, a night off is definitely what you can at least give to yourself."

Jisoo leaned back on her chair. Knowing her sister, she would never hear the end of it until she agreed. She really didn't want to go, but she was stuck with this dilemma.

Jisoo sighed.

"Fine...I'll go." she answered in defeat. 

Irene gave her a satisfied smile.

"That's the spirit! Wait till I tell them that you're coming along with us!" her sister says excitedly as she took some more food on her plate.

She wished she could share her sister's enthusiasm, unfortunately, at the moment, all she could feel was the aching of her heart as she thought of how Jennie would've loved tagging along too.

*************

Jisoo inhaled the crisp night air as she got herself out of Lisa's silver Honda sedan.

It was almost winter in Seoul, and she could feel the biting cold in her bones. Not that she minded, she loved the cold, it was her favorite season of all time and it usually put her in a good mood.

Not this time though.

"So, winter huh? I love the season! It's just perfect and it always reminds me of happy times. Oh, and did I ever tell you that I'm a winter child too?"

The huge gummy smile she had given to Jisoo after that would be seared into her memory for all eternity.

Yeah, Jennie had also shared her love for winter as well.

She suddenly felt strong arms wrap around her shoulder. She turned to look and realized she was face to face with Lisa's mischevious grin.

"Jisooya! Why so serious?" she playfully teases as she attempted to put a smile on Jisoo's face by stretching out her cheeks.

Lisa was taller than her by a few inches. Her slim and lanky figure made her look even moreso as she towered over Jisoo. 

But as tall as she was, her best friend also acted like a little kid, not that she was any different, but she was much more hyperactive than her. 

"Lisa, stop teasing Jisoo unnie!" 

Lisa let go of Jisoo and grinned once again at the person who had reprimanded her.

She was as tall as Lisa and had long, flowing, purple-ash locks.

"I was just playing with her, Chaeyoung-ah! I miss being playful with Jisooni." 

Chaeyoung just sighed at her girlfriend.

"She will be, Lisaya, let's just be patient for a little while." she says as she swung her arm around Jisoo's other shoulder.

"You ready to have a fun night unnie?" Chaeyoung asked, giving Jisoo a kind smile. 

Chaeng had always been an empathetic soul, which she was thankful for.

"Yeah, let's have fun." Jisoo responded, trying to give her the most sincere smile she could muster.

"Cool, then let's go!" Lisa shouted as she pumped her fist, leading the way towards the entrance.

All three of them could hear the loud music emanating from the club. There was already a long line of people wanting to get inside, but since Lisa was able to get special access, they immediately went towards the VIP entrance.

Once their names were checked and confirmed, all of them entered the club.

As soon as they got inside, Jisoo noticed how huge it actually was. From the way it was designed, you could tell it was a top-notch club since it oozed with that high-end feel.

Lisa had spotted Seulgi and Irene already starting with the drinks, and so they immediately walked towards their direction so they could join in.

"Aish, no fair! How could you guys start drinking without us?" Lisa complained as they arrived, pouting a bit while she seated herself down on one of the chairs, the other two following suit.

"Why hello to you too, Lisa! We had to, you guys were taking a long time to get here. Besides, we only started like ten minutes ago." Irene informed her as she rolled her eyes, Seulgi chuckling in her wake.

"Hey guys!" the monolid beauty greeted her friends. All of them greeted back in different ways.

Seulgi then handed Jisoo a shot glass full of tequila.

"Hey there stranger, care to down this one with me?" she says, winking at her friend.

Jisoo stared at the drink.

She really didn't want to.

But her chest was still aching, her mind constantly bombarded by thoughts of Jennie and her body longed for the presence of a person who was no longer with her.

it.

She took the glass and raised a toast to Seulgi.

Taking a bit of salt, she readied herself as she put some of it in , then immediately tossed back the the drink without any trouble, searing and the heat quickly shooting up into her brain.

She slammed down the glass as she heard laughter in her ear.

"Chu, slow down! I don't want you to get drunk right away! I still want to have fun with you." 

She shook her head as she tried to make the memory disappear while Seulgi grinned at her.

"There's more where that came from."

Jisoo nodded.

"Keep 'em coming."

Seulgi looked at Irene, who wiggled her eyebrows in agreement to what Jisoo wanted to do.

Seulgi shrugged as she poured another shot of tequilla.

"Ask and you shall receive!"

Jisoo continued to down shots as the night wore on, trying to drown out all her sorrows with each one if them.

As the alcohol began to run around her system, she started to loosen up. The pain in her heart was beginning to dull, her laughter coming out easier as her friends shared funny stories with her.

As she drank another shot, her thoughts began swimming towards a certain memory.

"Hey Jisoo, I know we just met and all, but do you want to come along to a jjimjilbang with me? I feel really stressed out and need something to help me relax." 

Those brown cat eyes were dangerous, she knew. It bore into her soul, making it difficult to escape.

"Sure Jennie, I guess I could use some relaxation too."

She grinned at the memory. They had only met each other for three days, and were roomates at their University. 

It started out innocently enough, however, she couldn't really deny the fact that when she saw Jennie in all her glory, a barrage of unholy thoughts ran through her mind.

They talked.

Got closer.

Too close.

The kiss that they shared that caught fire in her veins.

Their bodies entagled in her sheets when they went back to their dorm, sealing her fate.

Three days.

It had taken Jisoo three days to fall into the rabbit hole that was Jennie Kim.

Now, she didn't know how to get out of it.

She drank another one and hissed as the alcohol shot up through her brain once again.

This time she heard her laughter, hearty and melodious.

"Cha, I really like Jisoo! She makes me laugh so much, I can't help it!"

"Chu, you make me so happy."

"I always smile when I think of you, only you can do that to me, babe."

Jennie glided in her head, blind to fear. Blind to her pain.

Lisa looked at her and patted her on her shoulder. 

"Jisooya, are you okay?" she asked, concerned.

"Yah, why wouldn't I be okay Limario?" she told her.

"So you don't miss Jennie unnie anymore?"

Jisoo laughed at that.

"I always miss her, Lisa."

Her best friend squinted at her.

"She hurt you, she couldn't-no! Wouldn't fight for you. You are better off without her." she says, pointing a finger at her and hiccuped.

"Maybe because I couldn't make her happy."

"Are you kidding??? She laughed at your super lame dad jokes, or anything you did really. You made her happy, I know so, I saw it with my own eyes." Lisa tells her.

Jisoo smiled sadly.

"Then why did she leave?"

"Because she is a ing coward that's why!" Lisa says angrily.

"Baby, calm down." Chaeyoung told her.

"I can't Chaeng-ah! Jisoo is hurting coz of Jennie." she told her sadly. Chaeng hugged her girlfriend.

"There, there, it'll be okay. Unnie, are you alright?" she checked with her, the concern apparent in her voice.

"I will be, Chaeng, don't worry." she assured her.

"Well, Lisa does have a point. Your ex was a coward." Irene says, as Jisoo looked at her.

"Her parents and the rest of her family members were highly homophobic. I couldn't ask her to do something that might be detrimental to her, you know that unnie." she reminded her, Irene scoffed.

"Chaeyoung's parents were too, so were some of the parents of our friends, yet they fought for the people they loved. She hid you from her own best friend, who I don't think gave a if you two were together or not. You were more than enough Jisoo, just not for her."

"Babe!" Seulgi scolded her.

Jisoo swallowed the lump in .

"Yeah, I guess you're right unnie, I wasn't enough." she croaked.

Irene's eyes widened, she looked guilty about her sudden outburst.

Jisoo took the bottle of Bacardi on the table and drank it directly from the source.

"Unnie!" Chaeng shouted as she tried to get up to take the bottle away from her.

Jisoo gritted her teeth as she put it back on the table.

She grinned at them as she looked at all their shocked expressions.

"What? The night is young, we are here to have fun! So, I am going to have fun!" she declared as she got up, turned around and proceeded towards the dancefloor. 

"Jisoo!" Lisa called as she pulled Chaeyoung with her.

Jisoo smiled at her.

"Come on Lisa, let's dance!" she says.

Once they got there, Jisoo started dancing with wild abandon. At first both Lisa and Chaeyoung felt apprehensive, but later, loosened up as they noticed that Jisoo seemed to be having fun with what she was doing.

Jisoo had her eyes closed as she felt the music pump into her veins. Her arms were up in the air as she let the beat dictate her movements.

She wanted to escape, even just for a second, the hold that Jennie had on her. 

"I'm sorry, Chu, I really don't want to tell Chahee. I'm scared that what if, she may think differently of me, and she's close to my parents. Please understand."

It was always that way.

"Some people are starting to get suspicious of us, let's not watch a movie today, Chu."

She adjusted. She always understood.

"Would you hate me if ever I would need to marry a man just to please my parents? But I know you're the love of my life, I wouldn't know how to handle it."

Jennie had always somehow given her clues about much how easier it would be for her if she was with a guy.

"I can't go to your family dinner, what if they see our photos? People know you're out of the closet, but I'm not."

She always worried about what people thought.

"I can't do that, I can't just make changes that easily. Yes, I know we've been together for six years, but I don't want my family to make me an outcast. I'm sorry, Chu."

It was a hard-fought battle that she felt she would always lose at the end of the day.

"I love you so much it hurts."

She had torn her heart open and sewed it shut several times for Jennie.

And she would do it all over again.

"I'm sorry Chu, I can't do this anymore. I can't continue hurting you for the choices I have to make. You deserve better. You deserve someone who can stand up for you, and that person is not me."

But I never said you didn't Jennie.

She felt the lump on and the tears stinging in her eyes, but she didn't let up.

She finally opened her eyes and scanned her surroundings as she continued to dance, then her gaze homed in on someone.

Someone familiar.

They locked gazes as the girl smiled at her. 

She couldn't help but smile back, that giddy feeling she thought was long gone was back at it again, as if it had never left in the first place.

Or maybe it was just the alcohol?

Who cared at this point.

She moved closer to Jisoo as the intensity of their stares deepened, Jisoo finally closing the gap between them.

The girl smiled at her. God, that damned smile.

They moved to the beat, their bodies in-sync, like everything else about them.

She saw her, the girl who's face was snuggled up to her neck, mumbling sweet nothings as she slowly fell asleep.

"I love you, Chichu."

She wrapped her arms around her neck as they continued their dance, Jisoo holding on to her waist as she helped her move in rhythm to hers.

Like that time when she went with her family to Jeju, and they were on the balcony looking at the stars.

"Never let me go, baby, no matter what."

The same girl who cried so much more than her when she saw Jisoo's father inside the coffin at his funeral.

"It hurts me to see you so sad, Chu."

The girl who took her to Spain, the most spontaneous thing that she had ever done for the both of them just so they could have their "honeymoon".

"Promise me. Promise me you will find me in whatever time and space we are in. That you won't forget that I love you more than anything and that you won't let me forget about how much you love me either."

Jennie.

Jennie.

Jennie.

Jisoo closed in on her and landed her lips on the girl's, who tasted like raspberry and gin tonic.

Why did it feel so different?

She let go of her lips and whispered.

"I love you, Jennie."

"Wait...what?"

Jisoo opened her eyes, her world was spinning but the voice she heard was different.

Familiar, but it wasn't Jennie's.

"I knew it, I should have known Jisoo."

She squinted at the girl in front of her.

"Soojoo?"

"You just realized it now? I thought..."

Soojoo, the girl who at one time almost became her girlfriend.

She pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed, "Nevermind."

She walked out.

Jisoo was silent. 

She realized something. She still loved Jennie.

She couldn't live without her.

It was like breathing, and the oxygen she had been given was suddenly taken away.

Promise me you will find me in whatever time and space we are in. 

She had to go to her. 

She had to tell her that she loved her and she was willing to fight for her no matter what the cost.

She had to remind her of that.

Maybe, if she saw how hurt she was, she would realize her mistake.

She had to find Jennie.

She walked out of the dancefloor and headed towards the exit.

Her friends had noticed this and quickly followed her outside.

"Jisoo! Soo! Where are you going?" Irene called out.

"To find Jennie!"

All of her friends looked at each other.

"Jisoo, that is a bad idea, trust me. Why don't we just head home, okay?" Chaeyoung gently told her.

"No! You guys don't understand! Jennie...she's...she's my soulmate. Yes, she isn't perfect, and I accept that. Isn't that what love is? Patience and accepting the things others couldn't?" Jisoo says, while everything was spinning.

Like her world without Jennie.

"Jisoo..." Lisa tried to speak up but then stopped when Jisoo suddenly ran.

Jennie's house was just five minutes away.

She heard her friends run after her and call out her name, but she was able to lose them through the alleyways as she headed towards her destination.

Finally, she stopped in front of her apartment and tried to catch her breath.

It felt just like yesterday when she had been here.

She checked her watch, it was around 3AM. Jennie was probably sound asleep by now, but she didn't care.

She had to let her know.

She went inside and climbed up the stairs all the way to her door.

Once she reached the third floor, she stopped at room 306.

She took a deep breath and rang her doorbell.

It took about 8 tries till finally, she heard somebody's footsteps behind the door, and the mechanisms being unlocked.

"The hell? It's three in the good damn morning! What the f-"

Jennie froze when she saw who it was behind the door.

"Jisoo..."

Jisoo wanted to hug her, she missed her so badly, yet she stopped herself from doing so.

"Jendeuk..."

Jennie her lips and slumped her forehead on the side of the door.

"Jis, please, go home. It's late and I really need my sleep."

Jisoo clenched her fist.

No, not this time. This time she was going to stand her ground.

"No Jennie, I'm here because I have a reason."

"Jisoo, you're drunk. I can smell the alcohol from where I am. Please, just...just go home. Maybe we can talk about this another time. Just not today."

Jisoo her lips. It was now or never.

"Jendeuk...I won't because I'm tired of running away. You are the person I love, the only one I want to spend the rest of my life with. Yes, everything about us isn't perfect. We've had our challenges and our misses, but we've had a lot of our wins too. I have never looked at another person the way I look at you, and everyday that I am without you, it feels like a part of me had been torn apart. You told me once to promise you that no matter what time and space we are in, I would find you and remind you about how we feel about each other. So this is me fullfilling that promise! Here I am, bare and in front of you, telling you that...that I love you, and still continue to love you everyday, probably for the rest of my life." she says, her voice shaking at every word.

She looked at Jennie, who's expression was neutral, and waited.

She waited for her to say something.

Anything.

But as the seconds ticked by, all she was met with was a stone cold silence.

Suddenly, Jisoo heard footsteps inside.

"Babe, who was that? Were you able to tell them off? Come on now back to bed, it's late." she heard a man's voice behind the door.

Babe?

She could see the guilt in Jennie's eyes.

"I'll just follow. Just...wait for me." she called out.

It was as if Jisoo was poured with cold water all over her body.

That was when Jisoo felt the door close shut on their relationship. With a loud thud and a no thank you.

They looked at each other, Jennie, looking as if she wanted to say something, but she couldn't.

Jisoo, feeling as if a knife had been used to stab her heart a milliom times and a mallet to finely crush it.

They were so near, but Jisoo could feel the gaping distance now.

And that's when she understood.

She never really had Jennie.

She realized nobody was waiting.

All around her was just the sound of silence.

And it was defeaning.