i.

 

it always rains in osaka, sana thinks.

 

the sound of the tide of amniotic fluid fills her ears, like her mother's voice whenever she's talking to her. the sound of the rain rapping it's knuckles against her window—that sana tries so hard to ignore every morning on weekends, whenever her sister has to check up on her. 

 

the rain makes her feel like she's floating like a seaweed, her spirits roars, and she feels weightless whenever she hears the familiar tunes it makes on the ashen tile. the rain makes her feel as if the world has been lifted up from her shoulders. 

 

sana likes it, the rain.

 

(except in the sweet rain-washed darkness, where the whisper of the wind and the rustling of the leaves becomes thunderous in her ears).

 

she wishes that there will be a day she'll not only feel the rain on her clear, honey skin and hear the heavy droplets fall rapidly on the ground—but to also get to see it.

 

sana wishes to see the world with her own eyes.

 

 

 

ii.

 

sana met her world.

 

it happened when fog embraced every tree and the sky didn't howl, but screams. rain hammered the ground out of ever-consuming rage, then a bolt of lighting the blue tint out of the sky—and comes out hirai momo.

 

hirai momo becomes sana's stable force, the one stability in a world filled with chaos that she so desperately needs in her life. when momo came into her life, the absence of color in her eyes felt like it's no longer there, and was replaced with sparkling warm colors and peacefulness.

 

hirai momo is the first woman to make sana feel like every ounce of breath was taken from her lungs, floating into the air like midnight smoke. the moment she hears her voice from her phone's screen, sana felt like every cell in her body was screaming. the moment momo asks if the person on the other line was dahyun—the girl from last night, sana felt like all of her organs have shut down.

 

hirai momo sighed sharply when sana told her that she isn't the woman she had slept that night, following with a soft, "ah... okay," sana gulps when she hears the disappointment in her voice, "i'm sorry for bothering you, i guess she gave me a wrong number."

 

hirai momo calls the next day after, and although it confused sana at first, she still felt a slight joy in the pit of her stomach. until she hears a drunk momo sobbing unceasingly, it was stifled at first as she attempted to hide her grief, then overcame by the wave of her emotions, she broke down entirely. sana heard and felt how all her defenses washed away in those salty tears, momo's breath trembles as she says the words, "why did you leave?"

 

hirai momo lost her first love, sana learns. momo was angry at herself for getting into an accident and surviving, she was angry at her girlfriend for going with the plan and not look for her, wait for her. if she had just waited for a little more, if she hadn't got on that train, then maybe she would still be here. sana cries with her that night, while the stars sing in infinite patterns.

 

hirai momo becomes the light that somehow grew inside her soul and shined through her own eyes.

 

 

 

iii.

 

hirai momo moves in soft, fluid waves. she glides with the birds, and she sways with gentle arms suffocating her ribs. and it's enough, enough to pull sana into her, like a magnet—like a snake that had eaten it's fills and it's retracting back into it's dark and eerie cave.

 

facetimes, phone calls and "momo, can you sing me to sleep?" with momo have become a routine that made sana feel like the dark and eerie cave, and momo is the snake—slowly eating her insides.

 

sana's pillowy pink lips curves into a curious smile, with her teeth on display for the woman on her screen to see whenever she asks her how the world looks like, and momo always answers it with a simple, "beautiful."

 

sana didn't get what she meant by that at first, but when momo started explaining just like what sana had asked her to, she answers with, "i don't really know," she laughs as she finds words at the back of , "i guess it's beautiful because... hearing the wind singing softly in my ears feels soothing, like it's the sweetest lullaby i've ever heard. seeing the clouds painted on the light blue canvas feels like i'm here for a reason, to complete a masterpiece."

 

"i sound crazy now, aren’t i?” momo giggles, "but, yeah, noticing how the daisies that i've been watering for weeks had grown tall and pure upon the earth feels like—like i've climbed up a lader, and i'm ready to continue. the love and hate in this world... it tastes like cherry and honey in a champagne, it's different but both mix well, and i think that's beautiful. the world is beautiful."

 

sana's brain stutters for a moment, trying to find words to say, but there's none. "does that even make sense? i wrote that one in my poetry class once, do you want me to explain more?" sana shakes her head, and whispered a small 'yes, it does'.

 

that was the moment minatozaki sana realized, hirai momo is her world, and she is beautiful.

 

 

 

iv.

 

two hours, sana has been calling momo non-stop for two hours, and momo isn't picking any of it up. two hours filled with biting her lip and closing her eyes shut to keep the tears in (she fails every time), her limbs already feel heavy, and her insides feel like mush.

 

she wiped her tears frustratingly, her cheeks that were once with tears now felt cold and sticky as the air of the night sky entered her dark room and hit her face from the open window, white curtains flowing with the wind, eyebrows furrowed as she glared at the wooden floor of her bedroom. sana gripped her phone tighter, wondering why momo has to disappear when she most needs her.

 

then livid black clouds reared up like a cobra readying itself for attack and lightning spat mercilessly onto the pitiful scene—and her phone rings, sana didn't hesitate to answer it.

 

"sana? are you okay? did something bad happen?" sana can feel concern laced in her words, and it was enough to make sana feel pain searing through her abdomen better than a branding iron, her mind conceding to the torment, unable to bring a thought to completion. but it was nothing close to the pain she felt in her heart.

 

she blinks hard and swallows through the choking sensation in , "jeongyeon, she- she called hours ago, she- bbosong... bbosong died.” sana grips that phone tighter in her hand, “our dog died, bbosong died, momo. i don't- i don't know what to do."

 

momo felt her walls tumbling down, brick by brick. she bit her lip before she sharply breathes in and out, hearing sana this broken feels like torture, like she feels exactly how she feels, and it hurts. it ing hurts.

 

sana didn't have to ask this time, "i've waited a hundred years, but i'd wait a million more for you. nothing prepared me for the privilege of being yours would do," momo sings, her voice rolling over the hills in sorrowful waves. "if i had only felt the warmth within your touch, if i had only seen how you smile when you blush. or how you curl your lip when you concentrate enough, well i would have known, what i was living for all along, what i've been living for," swells of power rose up in .

 

hirai momo's voice makes sana feel like the wind is singing softly in her ears, and it feels soothing, like it's the sweetest lullaby she's ever heard.

 

 

 

v.

 

the following days consist of momo trying her best to stop the waves in sana's body, how it engulps and overwhelms her every time a dull memory of her former dog flashes back into her brain. momo tries her best for sana (or maybe for her too, because she can't quite put her mind to the thought of sana so broken).

 

"look-"

 

“i can't," sana chuckles. momo looks up at her, directly into her gray eyes, a small smile on her lips.

 

“you can't expect me not to laugh at you when you basically just told me you came out to your mom by sending her a video of ellen page's coming out speech," she dissolves into a puddle of laughter, and momo can see her stomach slightly shaking as she fights a new gale of giggles.

 

momo pulls to one side, like a lopsided pout, "are you making fun of me?" sana shakes her head, a teasing smile cast over her lips, momo rolls her eyes.

 

"how about you tell me your coming out story? i'm sure it's as embarrassing as mine."

 

“not really, i just told her on mother's day," momo bursts into a loud cackle of laughter, and it made unexpected warmth rush through sana's whole body.

 

hearing hirai momo's laugh is like seeing the clouds painted on the light blue canvas, a masterpiece, and she is the reason.

 

 

 

vi.

 

momo had asked her a lot of times if she wants to meet up, and sana turns the idea down whenever it leaves momo's mouth.

 

sana's scared. she's scared that once momo would look into her eyes in person, she'll run away. she's scared that her waves wouldn't be in time with momo's. she's scared that momo would think sana is all thunderstorms and floods and hurricanes, while she's the rainbow after the rain and the heavenly waves that hug you soothingly. she's scared that she'll disappoint momo (just like what she's been doing all her life). sana is so ing scared.

 

especially when she got a taste of momo, a goddess' wounded skin and heart.

 

she heard how momo's knees dig into the earth as she hits the ground, and all she can hear is momo's loud sobs. sana feels and hears the unending pain in momo's broken heart, when threads of every memories she could ever recall with the woman that she has been loving for probably her whole life unravels. sana felt like the whole universe fell on her shoulders, and the rain is not there to wash it away.

 

"she's gone- she- sana, my mina is gone. my baby is gone. , she's gone." she sobbed and tears flooded like waters rushing down from a waterfall, and the only time momo stopped was to fill her lungs with fresh air.

 

"how the- how did i survive a year without her?"

 

(there's a part of sana that wants the answer to be her),

 

"i loved her, i loved her so much, i still do."

 

(even though she knows she isn't).

 

all sana could do was listen to momo talking about her former lover, and how her voice trembles whenever the name leaves . sana feels like the universe threw a bomb inside her chest—and it exploded without her knowing, leaving her heart shattered in pieces.

 

tasting hirai momo's open wounds feels like noticing how the daisies that she's been watering for weeks had withered—like she climbed up a lader, only to see an unending desert.

 

 

 

vii.

 

“you're my new favorite person."

 

it escaped like it was the easiest words to pronounce, who could blame her? hirai momo is like a daisy in a field of roses. scarlet petals dances upon her hair. eyes shaped like almond that curves to form half moons whenever happiness takes over her senses, eyes so soothing and calming that it manage to wash away the anxiousness present in her bones. beneath them is the gentle slope of her nose. and her lips, oh her heavenly lips, the same pink links that curves into a smile so bright and pure that it left the sun threatened by it's power.

 

sana wonders, will there be a day she gets to say these words to momo? when she can no longer see darkness in her eyes but her world, hirai momo? sana waits for an answer. 

 

hirai momo is the daisy in a field of roses. and sana is one of those roses.

 

"you're my new favorite person too."

 

hirai momo and minatozaki sana are like cherry and honey in a champagne, they're both different from one another but mix well, and sana thinks that's beautiful.

 

 

 

viii.

 

“momo, what does falling in love feels like?"

 

momo abruptly raises her head up, "why?" she saw how sana gulps thickly as she bit her lip, conveying everything she can't put into words.

 

momo feels words prodding at the back of , threatening to spill over in waves, she breathes in, "it's... it makes you feel like everything's possible in this world, like you can conquer anything. it's like the rain, it drowns, sweeps away, overwhelms, and pounds," momo smiles through the screen, "falling in love feels like entering a house, and finally realizing that you're home."

 

that night, sana learns something that made her breath hitch, and tears started building up at the brim of her waterline.

 

hirai momo is her home.

 

 

 

ix.

 

momo has been asking her who's the 'lucky girl' non-stop.

 

sana badly wanna answer with 'it's you, you ing idiot'. but she knows she shouldn't, not when a part of her knows that she's the idiot. falling in love with her own best friend? a woman who she's been talking to on facetime and phone calls for about nine months, and is probably still in love with her former girlfriend.

 

"come on, sattang. i thought we don't keep secrets from each other," momo whines, her tone sounding more confused than normal.

 

“i don't know, it's just- i'm still figuring it out... i don't think it would be a good idea to tell you right now." momo sighed, she cast her gaze onto the ground and her eyes slightly darkened.

 

"don't you trust me?" the question made sana stitch her eyebrows together before throwing an immediate answer, "of course i do."

 

silence then lay on sana's skin like a poison, it seeped into her blood and paralyzed her brain. "okay." was the only thing that hirai momo said before ending the call.

 

minatozaki sana is a whole idiot.

 

 

 

x.

 

momo doesn't know why half her heart shrunked when sana asked her what falling in love feels like.

 

momo doesn't know why she feels annoyance rushing through her as the waves wash upon rocks just by thinking of sana falling in love with some random girl.

 

momo doesn't know why she feels her body raining bullets when sana insisted on not telling her who's the person that caught her heart, and half of her heart is the main target.

 

hirai momo dreams of sana that night, with an awfully unfamiliar woman, giggling like she's three and a half—and she doesn't know why.

 

(hirai momo is also an idiot).

 

 

 

xi.

 

sana's pearl-shaped tears roll down her cheeks from her wide luminous eyes, "do you think i'll see her again someday?"

 

jeongyeon turns her head abruptly before blinking hard, "don't ask like that," she mumbles. "why?" sana frowns.

 

“it's too early." jeongyeon simply stated.

 

“i have nothing to lose, jeong." she bit her lip when she hears her voice trembling, "i can't see. momo hasn't answered any of my calls for a week now, mama and papa aren't here with us anymore and bbosong- she's gone... i have nothing, jeongyeon. absolutely nothing." sana wiped the tears off her now damp cheeks.

 

there was a pause, silence—and all she can hear is jeongyeon's breath, following with a quiet sob escaping past her lips, "jeong?" she tries to find her sister's hand, and when she did she rubs a thumb over the side of her hand as a sign of comfort.

 

“what about me?" sana hears her voice break, causing a tear to fall from her eyes, "sana, you have me!" she exclaims causing sana to shudder, she reaches out to pull her sister in a warm hug. sana felt how hard jeongyeon was crying, how her shoulder was shaking and how her heart was pounding frantically against her chest.

 

“i'm sorry, i didn't-" jeongyeon's arms squeezed a fraction tighter making sana stop for a second, her body eventually melts into her sister's as every muscle lost it's tension to the spring air.

 

 

 

xii.

 

momo acted like a silhouette, as if she came straight out of a photograph and left sana behind the darkness.

 

sana can't finish a day without momo passing by her mind—even just by watching tv shows reminds her of momo, or whenever her nostrils engulpes the delicate hint of daisy in the air, her brain will immediately be flooded by memories of the girl. sana craves for hirai momo, and she can't stand seeing her distancing herself from her. 

 

"you want us to what?" momo's mouth hung with lips slightly parted and her eyes as wide as they could stretch.

 

“did i stutter?" sana sighs, "weren't you ignoring me because i didn't wanna tell you who's the girl i currently like?"

 

"sattang, i didn't ignore you because of that. i was just... thinking," momo rolls her eyes while pushing her hair back, "and besides, if you don't feel comfortable with telling me something then that's fine with me," momo gulps, that's half a lie and she knows that.

 

“okay, we're not meeting up and i'm not telling you who it is, i guess."

 

she scoffs before responding, "shut up, fine."

 

sana her lip as she nods, "can you sing me to sleep?"

 

momo quietly giggled while nodding, "this love is tainted, i need you and i hate it. you're caught between a dream and a movie scene, in a way, you know what i mean," momo stops for a second to look at sana, there was something flickering in her eyes that she can't identify.

 

"when the darts dismiss, i just can't resist it 'cause i'm a fool for you and the things you do. i'm a fool for you and the things, the things you do, the things you do, the things you do."

 

momo opens her eyes to see sana staring directly into her eyes, and there was that look again. she clears , her eyes widening when she sees a tear on sana's left cheek, "i'm a fool for you too."

 

 

 

xiii.

 

sana feels confidence surging through her as those words leave , it felt like the brick walls that have been her cocoon for years have finally collapsed.

 

but at this very moment, all the reason not to do this came flooding in, she stole a quick glance once again at the luminous digital clock of the oven that only seemed to confirm time was going faster, sana's stomach knotted up.

 

momo and her have agreed to meet up at sana’s house. sana can feel her pulse pounding in her temples, not wanting to bite on her nails, she then found herself biting her lip and the inside of her cheek.

 

her hands turn into fists as her mind continues to buzz with possibilities. what if momo rejects her? what if she’ll distance herself from sana again? what if momo walks out? what if momo thinks she’s a freak?

 

“,” sana quickly stood up, she puts her hands through her hair, slightly tugging at it. “shut up, shut up, shut up,” she idly mutters to herself.

 

a loud sound coming from her phone startled her, she turns her head to where it came from before picking it up, “hey,” sana hears how momo gulps before breathing out shakily, "i'm here."

 

sana felt all her organs shutting down.

 

 

 

 

 

as momo gets out of her car after an almost one-hour drive, her breath automatically became rapid and shallow. she breathes out, warmth running through her whole body.

 

her trembling hands took her phone out of her pocket before hitting the call button, she tells sana that she’s arrived, trying her hardest not to sound nervous but failed terribly. sana answers, “uh, momo...” there was something in her tone that she can’t quite place.

 

momo gulps once again when sana sighs, her breath was shaking. “okay.” the only word that left sana’s mouth that leads to momo’s knuckles on her front door.

 

her fingers jumped rhythmically and her legs gently folded when the door swung open, revealing an unfamiliar woman with grey hair, veiny hands on a stick to remain balanced. momo’s eyes widen, parting as she tries to get words out of . this is definitely not sana’s house, she thinks.

 

“do you need anything, young lady?” she said, a small smile on her lips.

 

momo shakes her head, her eyes shifting everywhere, maybe she read the address wrong that sana gave her, “n-no... i just-“ momo her lips while she finds words to say, “do you... know a girl named minatozaki sana from this neighborhood?” 

 

the old woman avert her eyes from momo, looking like she’s thinking. momo bit her lip while she waits for an answer. “i don’t think so, but... i think i’ve heard that last name actually.”

 

confusion filled her chest, “jeongyeon?” momo steps closer, her eyes filled with hope, “do you know a girl named jeongyeon here?”

 

“ah... jeongyeon-ah,” the woman grins, her fingers brushing through momo’s clothes as it points to a direction, “she lives there, i’m sure she’s there, she usually goes to work late,” she explains, slightly shaking her head while clicking her tongue. 

 

momo nodded and gave the older woman a small thank you. a breath of relief escaped her lips as she walks over to the house jeongyeon lives, hope evident on her face once again. 

 

she knows how sana’s older sister looks like considering the fact that she’s walked on sana facetiming momo a couple of times. momo’s grip on her phone got tighter right after she knocks on the door.

 

“no nayeon, i am not going on a d-“ jeongyeon eyes widen at the same time as her’s. momo studies the face in front of her, she noticed that sana and her sister didn’t really have that much resemblance. agapes when the girl speak up, “sorry, i thought you were someone else.” jeongyeon gave her an awkward smile while scratching the back of her head. 

 

momo opens to speak up but stops, the girl in front of her raises her eyebrow, waiting for her to say something, “uh... do you know where sana is?” momo asks, almost a whisper.

 

“sana?” she nods. jeongyeon glances upward, pursed but slightly open and loose. her eyes are fixed as if she's looking at something, “are you like, some corny youtuber who’s making a video pranking strangers or...” jeongyeon looks at her suspiciously.

 

“what?” momo’s face crumples.

 

“i'm sorry, i have no idea who that is.” she shrugs before shaking her head. momo looks at her with furrowed eyebrows, her expression giving away her thoughts.

 

“look pretty girl, i don’t know who your friend is. i’ve never heard that name,” jeongyeon’s words made her mind a puzzled perplexity, “but... maybe someone in this town knows her or something, so just ask here and there.”

 

and just like that a door was shut on her face. momo wore a puzzled expression as she wonders what the hell just happened. she stole a quick glance at the address on the old woman's house, and it surely is the one that sana gave her.

 

(‘is sana playing tricks on her? is she lying this whole time?’ were the questions that kept repeating in momo’s head, but no answer appeared).

 

 

 

 

 

sana’s hands were shaking, she twists them together while breathing in and out several times. she has started feeling anxious when half an hour have gone by since her last call to momo but there was no sight of the girl in front of her door step.

 

her mind was filled with all possible scenarios that she can come up with, like momo ditching her. momo changing her mind, that she’s just wasting her time with a blind girl she talks to on screen. and momo having a terrible accident—sana absentmindedly hits her head too hard to snap herself out of her own thoughts.

 

just thinking of losing momo makes her eyes heat up with tears, a lump forming in . she was about to stand up when she feels the couch she’s sitting on slightly vibrating, sana knows it was because of her phone, so she quickly gets it and answers the call, hoping that it’s momo.

 

“are you playing with me?” a breath of relief was about to escape from sana’s lips but was stopped when she hears the unusual tone in momo’s voice.

 

“what?” sana raises her brow, confused at the sudden attitude hanging on the girl’s voice.

 

momo sighs out, obviously frustrated. “are you having fun?”

 

“what are you talking about? where have you been?” sana grips her clothes, she feels something at the pit of her stomach that she can’t put a name to.

 

she hears momo groaning at the end of the other line before asking her to check if the address she gave her was right. sana pressed the voicemail jeongyeon gave her a while ago. the younger slowly enunciated the address to momo once she finished listening to the voicemail.

 

momo has her eyes wide as she intently looks at the address on the older woman’s house she met a while ago, “yeah... that’s- that’s the same address this house has.”

 

“then that’s mine,” sana affirmed.

 

“no,” the older responded too quickly that it made sana’s confusion bubble up, “who... who gave you that? the address.”

 

sana furrows her brow, “jeongyeon? she gave me a voicemail.”

 

she hears momo muttering something that she failed to catch. sana hardly bit her lip when she hears momo sighing out before scoffing, “jeongyeon?” momo laughs. sana thinks she has gone crazy, she doesn’t know what’s going on and why momo can’t just go in if the address she gave her was right.

 

“she doesn’t even know you, sana.” the words hit sana like a truck, her mind feels like it’s running a mile as she thinks of what has gotten into the woman she’s currently talking right now.

 

“are you high? what is going on, momo?” she silently growled. 

 

“i don’t know, you tell me!” sana’s heart stopped for a second, a lump crawling up . this is the first time she has ever heard the girl yell at her and she absolutely has no idea why, it’s making her lose her mind.

 

sana puffs out as she tries to make her voice softer this time, “momo, what’s wrong?”

 

“what’s wrong?” momo scoffs once again. sana’s grip on her shirt got tighter that her fist is now trembling, the anxiousness in her body was taking over her, as well as confusion, “you, sana! i trusted you!”

 

“what the does that supposed to mean?” there was a momentary flare of anger and confusion in sana’s face.

 

“oh, you really want me to say it?” sana clenched her fists and locked her teeth up to ready herself from whatever is momo gonna say, “i don’t know what this sick game you’re playing, sana. i went to the address you gave me and it turns out that an old lady lives there, i asked her if she knows who you are and she doesn’t.”

 

sana keeps shut as she listens to momo even though she has no idea what the older woman is talking about. “i asked her if she knows your sister and fortunately, she does and is living just across the street. and guess what jeongyeon said when i asked her where you are? she said she doesn’t even know a sana.”

 

the brunette waited for sana to repond but all she heard from the other end of the line was breathing, “i tried not to listen to my head, i really did. but seeing up close how both of you don’t even look that much alike, how you didn’t want us to meet up in the first place then randomly hitting me up for us to meet, and the address you gave me turning out it’s not your’s after all- it all makes sense now.”

 

there was silence once again. it scratched momo’s skin, her jagged edges not going unnoticed. then sana speaks up, “if you don’t wanna meet up with me just tell me, momo. don’t make up.” sana couldn’t keep it together, especially when she heard all the words momo said. “this is ing ridiculous, at least try making better excuses next time.”

 

momo flashed a glare and scoffed, “shut the up, don’t turn this on me. is this your plan? to make me mad? you’re having fun seeing me frustrated, aren’t you?”

 

sana was livid, “do you really think of me like that?”

 

“i don’t know, sana. are you like that? are you some ing weirdo who likes catfishing people just to have fun?” the sheer amount of anger rendered momo’s voice dry.

 

hurt rushed through sana’s whole body like waves, “ you.” she knows that all of this was just false accusations, but she still can’t help the urge to defend herself. “you’ve seen jeongyeon in my room a couple of times while we’re on facetime. and i didn’t wanna meet up with you at first because-“ sana stopped for a second, “i was scared.”

 

the older woman furrows her brow, “scared of what?” momo closed her eyes as she breathes out, “of you getting caught with your lies?”

 

“no, i was scared that you wouldn’t like me back, you !”

 

the surrounding atmosphere was unbearably vicious, “what?” 

 

sana didn’t think twice as she let the words she has been holding back for weeks, “momo, i am in-“ she immediately close shut as she get interrupted, “i’m hanging up, don’t ever say things like that to cover up your . leave me alone.”

 

sana’s heart crawl up to in seconds. the beep her phone let out when momo ended the call can’t stop ringing in her ears. her trembling hands came up to tug on her hair, she didn’t mind the pain at all (not when the one in her heart is more unbearable). 

 

she didn’t even realize the tears falling off from her eyes until she feels the wetness on her hand. her lower lip was slightly trembling, and her head feels like a tip of a needle. sana’s hand travels to her heart to caress it, it feels tight and she can’t breathe at all. 

 

she has no idea how such things can happen in just a 5-minute phone call, momo sounded too sincere that it made her lips tremble. sana doesn’t know what the woman is implying at all but there was a whisper in the back of her head telling her she has to. she stood up and enters the bathroom, washing her face that’s full of tears. sana blinks a few times and gather herself, returning back to her nonchalant self.

 

the orange-haired girl sighs out, her chest locked up. her slightly quivering hands reached for her pant’s pocket to take her phone out to call momo again. sana knows that this isn’t a fight, not even close—because either of them would eventually call back, even though it has only been a minute.

 

this was different though and sana knows that, but she can’t help but feel like it’s her fault and that she needs to fix this immediately. as her finger pressed her phone’s screen for the third time after all the wrong clicks, she finally hears a sound.

 

a single ring was heard.

 

sana tries it again.

 

a single ring was heard.

 

sana bit her lip, she tries it again.

 

a single ring was heard.

 

sana bit her lip, her trembling thumb pressing the button. she tries it once again.

 

a single ring was heard.

 

sana bit her lip harshly, her terribly shaking thumb pressing the button with force. sana missed it, a muttered curse left . she tries it again.

 

a single ring was heard.

 

momo blocked her number. 

 

the tears burst forth like water from a dam, spilling down sana’s face. she feels the muscles of her chin tremble like a small child, realization consumes her like waves devouring a whole city. did momo give up on her already?

 

what made the pain insufferable was because she didn’t even get to say the words her chest has been fearing to let out for months. 

 

 

 

 

 

soon enough sana heard the door open and shut, it’s creaking noise bringing a chill to her spine. it sounded like some dying animal, crying out it’s pain and sorrow with it’s last breath. jeongyeon immediately pulls her sister in a warm hug, sana sobs harder. she decided to call the woman to help her, she wasn’t sure what for but sana knows that she needs someone by her side right now.

 

jeongyeon massages sana’s scalp knowing that it helps the girl relax. “tell me what happened,” she says, barely above a whisper. sana finds difficulty in telling her sister how the scenarios happened, her voice cracking, words coming out as jumbled. she was broken.

 

it was odd for jeongyeon, she doesn’t remember seeing momo a while ago at all. her mind was crossing a zigzag path, seeing her sister like this makes her lose her mind. the last time she sees sana like this was when their parents got locked up in a basement that soon got intentionally burned by capitalists. 

 

both her and sana don’t hold grudges easily, but that memory of seeing fire in both their parents’ eyes, the hideous look on their faces, the ashes on their foreheads—the screams that still wander in jeongyeon and sana’s head in their darkest hours, it will always remain forever. 

 

“get in the car.” sana looks at where jeongyeon’s voice came from with swollen eyes, confusion on her face evident. the older stood up and made her way outside but stopped to look at sana, still on the couch. “are you coming or not?” she moves her eyebrow upward. 

 

sana lazily gets up, the back of her hand traveling to her eyes and to her cheeks to wipe her tears away. she didn’t utter a word, just doing whatever jeongyeon tells her. the ride was quiet, sana was too immerse in her thoughts—and momo to even speak up.

 

the engine roars, the car screeching around the corner at top speed, sana’s grip on her seat got tighter. she likes to think she has gotten used to jeongyeon’s speed driving even though she knows she isn’t. sana doesn’t really like it though, but she just keeps that to herself, especially because jeongyeon once explained why it helps her.

 

(“stop the car, jeongyeon!” the older obliged, scratching her eyebrow with her finger.

 

jeongyeon giggles as she looks at sana’s face. “really? you’re laughing? we could’ve died, .” sana spat, sighing out. 

 

“i’m sorry, i just like the feeling.” the younger girl raises her brow while it’s stitched together. jeongyeon bit the insides of her cheek while looking out the car’s tinted window. 

 

“it vents my frustrations.” her eyes refuse to look at sana’s. “since the- the thing that happened with them... driving fast,” jeongyeon gulps as she tries her hardest to explain, “it makes me increase my adrenaline, it makes my head spin. it’s like i can’t feel myself- like i don’t exist but at the same time i feel so alive. i just- i like it, the feeling.”

 

“it makes me forget, sana.” jeongyeon’s thumb plays with her index finger. the other hand of her’s close to her face, gently biting the middle finger when she thinks of words to use. 

 

“what if you die?”

 

jeongyeon doesn’t respond nor look at her. but when she did—her eyes were glistening with tears, “i wouldn’t do that to you. you need me, and i need you. we need each other, sana. i wouldn’t leave you just like that.”

 

it was crazy how just a few words could turn sana’s life upside down once again. it felt like she found a new piece to add to her puzzle, it doesn’t make it complete, but sana knows that she was close.)

 

 

 

 

 

it has been an hour since jeongyeon and her have arrived in kyoto, asking every people they encounter if she knows a woman named hirai momo with black hair and everything that jeongyeon can describe her. sana feels her chest tightening thinking of how she can’t even help that much since the only thing that she can utter is the girl’s name. 

 

most of the people haven’t heard the name though, but some said that they have, just aren’t sure where the woman lives. “it’s okay if you want us to take a break.” sana flashes a small smile while jeongyeon shakes her head, “no, we need to find your girl. now get your up.” 

 

sana kinda feels bad for her sister, she didn’t even get to finish her shift because of her. now she’s helping her find momo even though she’s probably exhausted. both of them continues to walk until she feels an arm brushing against her stomach, “hold on.”

 

sana stitches her eyebrows together. “i think... that’s momo, or i’m just tripping?” 

 

she has her eyes wide now, her whole body not moving an inch. every vein in her body rushing with warmth, especially her knees (sana doesn’t even think she has knees at all this moment). “w-where is she?” 

 

“she’s sitting on a waiting shed right now.” jeongyeon has her gaze on the brunette.

 

“is she okay? is she crying? please tell me she’s not, jeong.” 

 

“she- she isn’t,” the older’s stomach knotted up, anger consuming her. jeongyeon doesn’t want to assume (even though that’s exactly what she’s doing right now), but how momo doesn’t even look close to upset, the woman even has a silly smile plastered on her face, it makes her go absolutely crazy. 

 

it clicked, her mind concluding that her sister is the one who’s getting tricked. how could someone play with such a fragile and innocent girl’s feelings?

 

jeongyeon clenched her fist, gulping to stop herself from snapping. “i think we need to get out of here, i need to take a break.” 

 

“but, jeong, momo’s here.”

 

as much as jeongyeon wants sana to meet the girl she probably has been wanting to meet for months, she just doesn’t know if she’ll be able to stop herself from whatever she might do to momo. “i don’t think that’s her, sana. let’s go.” jeongyeon gets sana’s wrist but the woman was quick to dodge it.

 

“please, jeongyeon. maybe it is her, please? let’s check, it’ll be quick.”

 

jeongyeon doesn’t respond.

 

“please.” the older closed her eyes before exhaling, accepting defeat. sana’s whole body lights up once again.

 

a hand was on her shoulder as they both cross the street. sana’s hands were shaking and she feels her whole heart in . she asks her sister if she looks okay, jeongyeon was quick to say yes. as they were finally centimeters away from the brunette, the older girl shoots momo a glare which caused the woman to furrow her brow. 

 

sana’s stomach shifts uneasily when she notices that the hands that are hugging herself with are pinching into her skin. she releases her hands but then she can't figure out what to do with them, so instead they clasp and unclasp each other as if in constant need of touch and reassurance. but what they need is to be able to touch momo, to drink her in by running over her weathered skin.

 

“can i help you?” the voice was familiar—too familiar, sana knows whose it is. the words, however, sounded strangely melodic. they were sweet but venomous, like cupcakes sprinkled with poison. 

 

“i’m sorry. but i just want you to know that i didn’t play with you nor catfished you. i wouldn’t do that, that’s not me, momo-“ she was cut off when the woman finally speaks up.

 

“hold up, how do you know my name?” jeongyeon notices how the confusion on the woman’s face was almost convincing. 

 

“momo, come on, please don’t do this. let’s talk.”

 

“i’m sorry, but i don’t know who you are... i mean, are you sure i’m the momo you’re talking about?”

 

sana gulps as she feels her stomach tightening as well as her chest, “hirai momo, you’re hirai momo.” 

 

momo stands there unable to move, disbelief evident on her face. jeongyeon wants to laugh. “but i-i really don’t know who you are.” 

 

sana gently throws her head back as she her lips, trying not to cry. but when momo whispers “i’m sorry.” with a tone that makes her head spin, she lost it entirely.

 

sana sobbed into momo’s chest unceasingly, hands clutching at her jacket. she held her in silence, rocking her slowly as her tears soaked her chest. a tiny lapse let her pull away, blinking lashes heavy with tears, before she collapsed again, her howls of misery worsening. the pain must have come in waves, minutes of sobbing broken apart by short pauses for recovering breaths.

 

“i’m so sorry. i have no idea who you are.” momo pulls the woman off of her, before walking away.

 

“no, no, please, momo.” jeongyeon tries to hold her sister, but the woman only shakes her head while detaching the older’s hands from her arms.  

 

“why? what the did i do to you? why are you doing this?” her voice was hoarse already from all the crying and was dry. “i’m here, momo. what more do you want?”

 

the look on momo’s face was hideous, “i’m sorry, i really am. but i don’t know what you’re talking about.”

 

sana lets her fingers run through her hair, “why couldn’t you just tell me? why do you have to do this? why do you have to make this stupid act when you can just tell me that i mean nothing to you!” she didn’t care who’s watching, because all she feels right now is pain, and all she hears is momo’s voice.

 

jeongyeon wasn’t surprised, her sister isn’t slow nor stupid. she actually knows what’s going on around her even though she can’t see, because she still can hear, talk and feel. 

 

sana might have a disability, but that’s what makes her special.

 

the orange-haired girl steps forward—and forward until she’s in the middle of the road. jeongyeon quickly does the same but paused when sana extends her arm out with a sign to stop. the older woman slowly nods her head.

 

momo bit her lip, motionless. as another tear fall from sana’s eyes, raindrops starts pouring, causing her to cry harder. her shoulder was quivering but she didn’t care. she needs momo to know, she needs momo to understand.

 

but it was like was completely locked, and she can’t say a single word at all. momo concludes that this is where it stops, muttering a small “i’m really sorry.” before turning around to pass out of sight.

 

 

"momo, i’m in love with you!”

 

 

momo stops.

 

everyone stops.

 

everything stops.

 

the world stops.

 

the beads of water from the sky as well as her eyes started falling down one after another, without a sign of stopping. the muffled sobs wracked against her chest. the world turned blurrier, she didn’t even know it was possible, and so did all the sounds. the taste. the smell. everything was gone. the last painful emotion slammed against her before she lost the feeling of feeling. everything darkened as she passed into the oblivion of unconsciousness.

 

sana’s heart stops.

 

the clouds that gather from the strongest of grey to soft whites, have consumed the skies. there was a mutter of thunder from the blackened sky as the wind tore leaves from the trees. the rain pounds, newspaper blew along the street and umbrellas turned inside out—and there’s sana, laying down on the road, lifeless.

 

jeongyeon holds sana with her arms, rocking her harshly to wake the girl up. there wasn’t any sound, everything was quiet. all she can see is sana’s body covered with blood, as well as the white car in front of her. 

 

everything turns dark.

 

she screams, and screams, but it was silent. 

 

jeongyeon holds her sister closer.

 

 

 

 

 

the rain pours.

 

momo glances at the gravestone covered in some kind of slime. a name written on it.

 

she slammed into the ground covered with grass. she didn't care who saw, she just broke down. the sobs punched through, ripping through her muscles, bones, and guts. she pressed her forehead against the ground and began to let her heart yank in and out of her chest. it pulled back in like a yoyo. over and over. in and out. she was hollow—and she can’t stop.

 

why can’t she stop?

 

she doesn’t know why she started crying, she was just peacefully visiting her former lover’s grave, but as the rain hammered the earth, her emotions did the same with her whole body.

 

momo thinks her heart is filled with sorrow because of myoui mina. (it wasn’t, at all).