"You drew stars around my scars, and now I'm bleeding."

Ji Chang Wook watched as the knitted material hung by the chair across from him, each sway by the wind felt like it was mocking him to the core. It was the only thing in his room that he couldn't get rid of. He gazed on each twist and turn of the wool, the small star patches strewn across the sleeves. If he leaned a little forward, he could still smell the waft of wood sage and sea salt, just by the collars of the clothing. Somehow, it made the tears from his eyes stop falling. It's strange that the last tangible item of the woman whose heart he broke, the reason for some of the tears he shed, was the very object that gave him comfort, that made him stop crying. It's been months since the fallout, and it felt as if he couldn't keep the smile on his face anymore every time he stepped outside. Every shadow, every giggle, even every cat led him back to her. But now, he couldn't even reach her, their paths too far from one another and the bridges too crooked to mend back together. He delved into this unfamiliar world, where he was tossed and turned from one phase to another, and it was tiring to be happy, to give that front that he was okay. Now, the very familiar thing he had in his life was gone: the comfort of being in her arms, the sighs leaving her lips when she kissed him, the slow dances in his living room, unfortunately faded like a forgotten painting. There was an ache in his chest, knowing how it was his fault either way for this to happen. If he was honest, if he knew how to talk, if he knew how leaving her in the background like she didn't exist was enough to break her, then he would never be in this position. 

Understanding each other should never go as far as having their existence forgotten, but it seemed that he was too busy with the prize that he forgot the very person that helped him there. Now, the very thing that had given him comfort, his home, his love, has closed their doors from him forever. He thought that it was enough, but the way she broke down in front of him after asking him if one day he would choose her, told him that it wasn't. She sobbed on the floor, her tears ready to fill the room, but even if he tried holding her and making things better, she inched farther away from him. And then, she fired. 

"I won't expect any words from you anymore," she hiccuped. "Your silence was enough of an answer to me. I knew I would never be a choice to you."

An arrow through the heart, with those words dangling by the tip, was enough to break him. Her shouts of anguish as she asked him to leave broke him even more, and thus, their tale ended with a snap. And now, as he looked at the dangling cardigan by the chair in the far end of the room, it only reminded him of the pain he caused her. And he decided by that time, to finally end the pain. 

__

The drive towards the apartment complex was short, if it weren't for the accident by the road that made him take a small detour. He stopped as he found the apt parking space, before grabbing the ecru colored clothing by his hand, and walked to the elevator. It took some begging from Mi Young to at least tell where she was and make it clear to her about his real purpose for the information. And now, as he stood in front of the metal door, his knuckles shook from the thoughts that ran in his head. What if she never opened the door to him? What if she never gave him the chance to talk? What would happen if he never did this? He doesn't know, and he will never know if he tried. 

A three-toned ringing was muffled from the other side of the door. Footsteps, and then, her voice.

"Oppa?" 

The name was enough to make his knees weak, but he wanted to stay strong now, since he knew he won't get the chance again. 

"Ji Hyun.." His voice shook, the grip in the cardigan tightening as he formulated how to plead his case. A small gap by the doorway gave way, and it took everything in him not to cry right there. 

"What do you want?" She snapped, before letting her eyes fall on the article of clothing by his hand. He kept his eyes on her face, and took a deep breath. 

"I... I wanted to give this back to you." He slowly brought up the cardigan. "I figured you'd want this back." 

She raised an eyebrow at him. "You could've mailed this instead, or at least told someone else to give this to me." 

"I know," he breathed. "But I didn't want to lose the chance to tell you something."

"You could've written a text message or a letter if it was that important." 

"Do you really not want to see me anymore?"

"I didn't scream at you to leave without meaning it."

He was stunned, the grip on the cardigan slightly faltering in his hands. "If this is going to be the last time I'll talk to you before you erase me from your life, at least listen to me."

He watched as her jaw clenched, her eyes burning holes into his skin with her glares. "If you want to kneel in front of me, I'd rather have you do it inside instead of having CCTV cameras watching you."

He gave a weak nod, before the door was opened further. He stepped inside, the warmth of her home hugging him anew, but the woman behind him was a cold as ice, and he knew very well he can't crack her after everything that happened. 

"You can place the cardigan by the coatrack." She muttered, before moving further away from me. "You have 10 minutes to tell me your thinkpiece before I kick you out."

Somehow, it feels like he was talking to a hollow shell that he used to know. Her presence used to be a warm blanket that wrapped you in her arms, a cup of tea that soothed your senses after a tiring day, but it was like he was looking at a ghost, the chill of her anger prickling his skin. It hurt him even more knowing he did this to her. But, it was now or never.

"You were never an afterthought to me."

She raised an eyebrow. "You rode all this way just to tell me this?"

He ignored her snide remark. "You were never an option, nor an afterthought. You were always on the forefront of my mind in everything I did. I wanted to work so hard that I could give everything to you and for our future. I wanted to do everything that I can to make sure I'm capable enough to make you happy, that I was enough to be with you. I didn't want you to be ashamed of being in love with me. I wanted to constantly prove to everyone that you made the right choice being in love with me, that I was a respectable man, a loving son, a hardworking actor, and someone that was willing to give the world for you."

She was silent, the furrowed eyebrows and the glare still marked on her face as he continued. "But I didn't realize that I was neglecting you for the sake of it all. I didn't realize that the more I wanted to prove myself to the world, that I didn't make time for the person I was doing it for. I... I just wanted to be enough for you and for everyone, but I didn't realize that I was losing you."

The tears were helplessly falling from his eyes now, the dam of emotions finally breaking through him as he looked down at his hands on his lap. "I understand now that you don't want to see me again, I will give you that, because you felt like I didn't care about you. I should've at least told you everything. I should've done everything to communicate with you. I should've at least been there for you, but I'm too late. I will never have the chance to do it again, and I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that I never got the chance to tell you this when you were on the floor crying your eyes out to me. I'm so sorry that my existence caused you pain, that my neglect turned you cold. I'm so sorry for being a bad lover and friend."

He looked up at her, eyes puffed up and red, his heart clenching at her monotonous expression. "If I had to do everything all over again, I would've done it right. But, I know that I can't have it again. At least I had this chance to tell you everything before you kick me out."

After a few beats of silence, after the words spilled out of his mouth, he watched as she looked at the clock that hung on the wall. bobbed and her baby blue nails scratched the surface of the chair beside her. And then, she spoke. 

"So you chose to prove to everyone that you were enough, to the point that you neglected me." She slowly spoke, her gaze still hard as stone. "You could've at least tried to talk to me about it.  But no, you were too focused on the recognition. Do you think I'm that stupid to fall for that?"

"You may not believe me but everything I said was the truth."

"Then that just proves you're a clueless idiot." She snarled at him. "I was right here! I was right beside you, a call and a text away! You could've at least told me anything! What was stopping you?!"

"I was scared!" He finally snapped back. "I was scared that you would think that I was an idiot, that you would think that I wasn't enough for you to begin with, that I was trying too hard to the point that I looked pathetic! Have you listened to the people around us when we were together? They kept asking and talking about why you loved me. They kept thinking what was so special about me that you chose me! There were whispers of me being a failure and then falling in love with someone as accomplished as you, and it made me think that I wasn't enough to be with you! I worked so hard just so I can prove them wrong! I just wanted to be enough for you! I just wanted to be worthy of being recognized and to be loved by you!"

"To the point of neglecting me, then?!" Her voice cracked, a single tear running down her cheek. “You could’ve— could’ve stayed. You could’ve helped me fix things. You could've given me a heads-up and we could've worked on this together. But I felt like I was in the background while you flourished.”

"I-I wish I could've done differently." He sighed, his voice faltering. "I wanted to take back everything and just tell you everything. I just... I was too scared. I'm a coward, and you don't deserve to be loved by a coward. You deserve to be loved by someone that couldn't care less about what people think... I'm not asking you to take me back, I'm just here to hope that you would see how much I've changed since then, and for your forgiveness. I want to be a better person for you, even if you don't want to be with me anymore. I want to make it up to you, but I know you don't want to see me anymore. So... I'll be alright with you from a distance, if that's what you want."

Her tears were still falling, a crumpled up expression on her face as she listened to him. "I'm sorry for being here. I hope you'll be alright. Take care of yourself."

He didn't even look back at her as his own tears fell, the cracks in his heart bursting at the seams with every step he took away from her. He closed the door behind him, his helmet in hand and groaned as he saw the rain pelting on the window near her unit. He walked towards the elevator and made his way to the ground floor, as he wore his helmet and put on his mask to avoid any attention on him as he walked outside the doors of the building. He was sure he was going to need a hot bath after this, especially now that he needs to soothe the ache in his heart. He felt the raindrops soaking through his jacket, the rain coming down harder than before. Chang Wook laughed bitterly to himself, feeling as if nature decided to match with his emotions today. Just when he approached his motorcycle, he didn't notice the footsteps behind him, and then, the raindrops stopped pattering on his helmet. A black umbrella shielded his vision, and he refused to turn around. The scent of wood sage and sea salt was assaulting his senses again, and it was like he's being reminded of the pain again. 

“I..." her voice started. "It's been months since I’ve last seen you, and not a day went by where I waited for the day to tell you how much you hurt me, how much you've broken me and made me feel like I wasn't worthy of your thoughts or your time. I wanted to tell you how much time it took me to fix myself back up again. I wanted to break you the way you broke me. This is my chance, right here. Right now." 

He turned around to look at her, taking in her bloodshot eyes, her ragged breaths as if she ran all the way down, and the very cardigan he left on the coatrack, now resting on her petite body, just like it was before. 

"But then I see you, and then... It's like...everything fell away. All I felt was this longing for you. All I felt was this pain for waiting for you to finally tell me what was wrong and where did I go wrong. And it only made me hurt even more." She sobbed, the grip on her umbrella tightening with every word. 

"I really wish you were honest with me," she hiccuped. "I wish you understood how lost I was with how you treated me. I loved you so much and I would've done everything to be with you. I knew and heard about those words, but I chose not to care because they don't know you the way I do. I loved you because of you, because you took so much care when it came to me, that you had so much love inside of you. That's enough of a reason for me to love you. You've always been more than enough for me."

Tears sprung in his eyes as they stared into each other, and he realized that her back was getting soaked since the umbrella was meant to cover his body. He took the opportunity to move towards her, the distance closing in to shield them both in the umbrella, before he finally wrapped his arms around her, the mask slipping from his face and onto his chin as he slid himself on her shoulder. His body shook with his cries as he finally held her close after months of not feeling her presence by his side. Nimble fingers made their way around his waist, her own tears soaking his jacket, with on hand still holding the umbrella above them. His cold lips pressed a damp kiss on top of her head, the scent of the familiar coconut shampoo filling him again as she gripped onto him tightly. 

"I don't want you to define your worth because of other people's opinions." She cried on his soaked jacket. "You are more than rumors and whispers to people. You are more than enough. I wouldn't choose you if I didn't think so myself."

His body wracked with sobs as she spoke. "Thank you, Ji Hyun. And... I'm really sorry."

"It would still take me a little more time to forgive you," she breathed. "But, I realized that I don't want to lose you in my life just yet."

"I'll be at your whim." He murmured against her forehead. "I will be whatever you need, even as a friend."

"Just swear this to me." She said as she pulled away from him.

"Anything."

"Talk to me. Open up to me. I don't want to talk to walls anymore." 

He nodded, gripping the umbrella as he placed his hand on top of it, a small smile on his face as he looked at her. "I swear on it."