"It would've been fun, if you would've been the one."

The rain has been pouring incessantly on the window of her apartment. The cup on Eun Bong Hee’s hands seemed too cool for her touch, the tea being neglected for the thoughts in her head. She couldn’t help but be awake after seeing some text messages from the man she least expected, and she’s pretty sure he’s drunk judging by the jumbled characters and disjointed words she received at 1 AM. 

[MR. NOH]: I apolihgize fr asking th i s

[MR. NOH]: Yuo cn blpck me after i d on’ t crae

[MR. NOH]: W h at id we wrked uot? What i f we nver broke up? 

[MR. NOH]: Do u thi nk we’ d stll love each other?

[MR. NOH]: Evn if we ‘ re illfated?

It was almost disturbing to see it, since she had the same thought as he did a few hours ago. Truth be told, breaking up with your boyfriend for the sake of saving each other’s fate felt like a noble sacrifice. Who were they kidding? Every time they tried to open up to one another, every time they dated, chaos ensues, hearts are broken, and it’s like their love and emotions were a cataclysm to worse effects. It wasn’t fair for them to be hurting too much, it wasn’t fair that their love would be the same thing that would try to kill them and the people around them. And in conclusion, she chose to walk away from him, the words she spoke rang louder in her head than the spatter of rain on the glass. 

"You were right, this is an ill-fated relationship. I'm sorry I couldn't change it into a good one, but we both know we deserve better than this."

She didn’t even look back after delivering the final blow to him, but it was the closure they deserved. She couldn’t bear getting hurt even more and hurting him as well, but each step away from him felt like nails were pricking on her feet, the seams in her heart fell apart the farther she got. She even took the liberty to go back to their shared home and pack her things and leave, just before he could reach her. She was the reason he keeps getting tied up to pain and suffering. If anything, she couldn’t handle being the person that reminded him of the biggest loss he had. But somehow, she wondered if she was part of that list of the biggest losses he had, considering the texts she received. It felt like a funny coincidence though that she received these messages today, exactly a year after that fateful day.

And as she held her cup, and looked at the black screen of her phone lying haphazardly beside her, the film reel in her mind started coming up with images and scenarios as she stared blankly by her window. 

If things worked out, if those wishes by the temples she passed and wishing wells she dropped coins in came true, if she chose to stay, it would be different from the state she was in now. She would’ve been laying in his arms by now, mumbling about what happened in her day, about the cases she dealt and the clients she had to calm down. She would’ve been washing dishes with him again, bumping hips and elbows, spewing water and firing flirty remarks about their day. Maybe they would’ve gotten a pet, running around their home and backyard, or they would’ve gone on a holiday somewhere, or a museum if they’re feeling fancy. Who knows, maybe she would’ve had a ring on her finger now. Maybe she would’ve been walking with him in a quiet park, and he would pop the question, and she would say yes. Maybe she would be snuggling in his bed with only his shirt on, letting his wandering hands go all over her body, just like how she liked it. She was sure that she would be happy with him, she was sure that they would be happy and in love if the universe let them. She wanted it all with him: the home, the pets, the mornings waking up together, lazy weekend nights cuddling on the ottoman, the children patting their little feet around the living room, calling them "eomma" and "appa", she would've had a life with him. But, it would be too much of a risk. They would cause each other so much pain that it might kill them just the same. It felt like there was no way around it anymore, which is why she left it as an afterthought now.

But another thought popped up: would she grow the way she did now if she stayed? Truth be told, after quitting his law firm, another small, but decent law firm took her under their wing, and soon enough, she was getting more clients and more recognition for her work. She went on multiple vacations with her mom, finally buying the things she promised her to have. She started more hobbies, from playing the piano to painting her walls. Her mother always told her how she bloomed with grace, but at the same time, she still felt like there was a hollow space in her. A few trips to her therapist, self-affirmations, and more hobbies filled her life, but it didn’t exactly fill the hole he left in her heart. But it was enough, because it felt like she was healing slowly. She flourished on her own, and it didn’t took her long until she felt comfortable in her own skin again, until she forgot how it felt to hold his hand or have his lips near her skin. She finally grew up on her own, and those memories were something she smiled about now as she shook her head. 

She bit her lip as she picked up her phone, typing out her last messages for the night, a somber smile on her face as she finally came up with her reply.

[YOU]: Drink some water and some pain killers when you wake up. You’re drunk. 

[YOU]: Get home safely, or if you’re home, get to bed safely.

Her fingers almost sent the message in her phone, but she backspaced it, knowing better that some things are better left unsaid. Instead, she typed a better message, one that can seal the wound she’s been having ever since.

[YOU]: It’s funny you asked me that. I was thinking about how it would’ve been if we were together. We could’ve gotten a pet, or a kid, or at least something better than we were. I did wish that things could’ve been better than what we had. I did have hope that we would be happy together. I wanted it all with you. It would’ve been nice if we ended up together.

[YOU]: Tell your girlfriend you’re okay and that you're home safe.

[YOU]: Just delete these messages once you see them. I’ll delete mine so there won’t be any mess in the morning. 

[YOU]: Take care.