/

after the discovery of her feelings for nayeon, a numbing sensation fills sana in every part of her body.

there's also something that feels like a pair of hands pushing her back when she sees nayeon again a day later, almost as if they're trying to tell her to stay away, but sana doesn't.

sana stands and stands by nayeon's side even though her body feels fuller of unpleasant sensations than anything else when nayeon holds her hand again for a few hours. she decides that she is going to endure it and she does, of course, until she stops.

sana pauses her relationship with nayeon and starts avoiding her or something, but it's necessary, she tells herself one day that she excuses herself when nayeon invites her out for the third time in a week. it's necessary, sana believes, because she needs to understand why she feels this way.

so she starts thinking.

sana thinks about her mother and her abandonment, and she also thinks about her past relationships and it's frustrating because it has little or nothing to do with all the negative feelings and thoughts that fill her when she is less than a meter away from nayeon, and then, as ephemeral as a ray of light hitting a specific point, the image of someone passes through sana's thoughts.

it feels like drowning; like if someone is pushing her head into the water and depriving her of her breath. sana's mind runs and runs, and her lungs burn aggressively when she takes a deep breath and sana is not waiting for the clear image of hirai momo to burn on the back of her eyelids when she takes a breath, but it happens.

it's so fast that sana doesn't realize what is happening until it is happening and then she cannot erase the vivid memory of hirai momo smiling from her thoughts. with that memory comes another and another, and then everything goes through her like lightning.

sana starts thinking about hirai momo after a long time and hopes, really hopes, for a moment that her temples will not hurt with every memory, but they do and yet sana doesn't stop. she sighs in defeat and swings her fingers on the garden table while she tries to remember the exact moment she met hirai momo, but the memory never reaches her.

no wonder, anyway.

as long as sana can remember, hirai momo was present in every moment of her life until not, so it was too complicated to find the exact moment when she first exchanged words with momo. however, there is one specific moment that causes fire break out in sana's chest and burn and then there is a rash.

/

at the age of fourteen, minatozaki sana notices for the first time that something about her friendship with hirai momo is not right.

it happens in the back garden of sana's house.

sana invites momo to spend the afternoon with her without a specific reason, but she stresses several times that she must show her something and momo, without thinking too much and full of curiosity, accepts.

(sana knows that it's not like momo can say no to her anyway. they have been friends for as long as she can remember and spending excessive time with each other is something they are both used to. also, momo's house is so close to hers that momo's older sister, hana, doesn't need to bring momo to her door since momo was twelve years old).

so later that day, as soon as momo knocks on the door of her house, sana runs and jumps, and welcomes momo as if she had not seen her in the last few hours even though she did.

(momo is not a bit impressed).

then sana pushes momo into the back garden of her house as soon as she finishes planting kisses on her cheeks and doesn't even let momo say hello to her mother as soon as they pass her in the middle of the road, and momo then asks with genuine curiosity in her voice something that sounds like why she seems so desperate and sana just lets her know when she prompts momo to sit down and wait, and momo does.

momo waits and waits, and then sana returns. sana walks carefully over to momo with a tray of apparently freshly baked rolls in her hands and momo's eyebrows dance in surprise.

"what's that?" momo asks as if it's not obvious, looking longingly at the tray.

sana pushes the tray on the garden table, smiling foolishly at momo. "what do you mean? isn't it obvious?"

"no?"

"why not?" sana questions, raising an eyebrow.

"i mean, yeah, i know what they are, but it's weird because you're excited." momo explains. "you don't usually get this excited about rolls."

sana smiles simply, tapping momo's shoulder and then wrapping one of the rolls in a napkin.

"here." sana says without answering momo's question. instead, she enthusiastically pushes the roll into momo's hands and watches her.

"are you going to ignore me?" momo questions and waits, but sana says nothing and then momo stops waiting for an answer.

the silence is not disturbing, however; the silences between the two of them are never uncomfortable so sana doesn't worry about talking while momo looks at the roll in her hands and sana looks at her.

there is a gleam of enthusiasm in sana's eyes that prompts momo to take a bite of the roll and then gasp.

sana looks at her all the time. from her initial reaction, which is an expression full of doubt and surprise, to the final reaction, which is one full of joy and also something that looks like confusion.

"so?" sana asks her.

"what?"

"how was it?"

"what?"

"the roll."

momo shrugs. "i don't know, can i have another one?"

"did you like it?" sana asks her enthusiastically, she even stands up and bows, and.

"yes?"

"yay!" sana celebrated in the air, waving her hands and looking quite proud of herself.

momo looks at her curiously and asks. "did i have to like them?"

"i guess." sana responds, her smile reflecting in momo's curious eyes. "i prepared them."

"really?" momo asks with much disbelief then. she also stands up and takes sana's shoulder and sana raises her eyebrows.

"isn't it obvious?"

"no?" momo says. "i didn't know you could cook.”

sana laughs, shakes her head and says. "i'm not, but i learned how to make rolls. that's why i was so eager to hear what you thought."

momo understands then and the next thing that happens is that breaks in two and she lets out a series of repeated babbles, there is pride in her voice and something that sana recognizes as worship so she looks at momo, standing there in front of her, with the same feeling in her eyes.

sana pauses and stops her eyes on momo's mouth, which cannot stop moving and has a half smile on it. it's a very beautiful mouth, especially when it's so close and sana thinks, for a moment, that it even looks like a raspberry-covered roll so maybe that's why she presses her own lips against momo's waiting to taste that flavor on them. she doesn't, of course, but leaves momo speechless at the unexpected movement and manages to make them both stop; there is no movement for several heartbeats until momo steps back.

however, it is not far enough because sana can still feel momo's breath tickling her own lips.

sana stays silent and with her eyes closed, and only forces herself to open them when momo says in a neutral voice, "that... that was my first kiss."

sana knows it, of course; she knows many things about momo, but suddenly the echo of momo's voice echoes in her ears and makes her feel that she did something wrong.

"i'm sorry."

"why?"

"i kissed you."

"i know." momo says in a soft voice. "isn't that right?"

"i guess?" sana responds as her eyebrows gather. she watches as momo's expression reflects hers. "it's not right to steal things."

"did you steal something from me?"

sana blinks. "didn't i?"

"i mean, yeah, you didn't ask for permission, but it wasn't bad."

"oh." sana pauses, relaxing her features. "so it's okay?"

"i guess." momo says and gives sana a half smile, the corner of reaches her eye and it is real, and it is full of positive feelings. the tickle appears again on sana's chest. "you taste like the rolls."

sana stands there for a few seconds, trying to not laugh at what momo just said, but ends up doing it and says. "you too."

momo is happy with that fact so she keeps eating after that. they don't kiss again or anything like that, they don't talk about it either and it's a nice afternoon full of rolls and smiles, and sana treasures it in her heart.

she hopes she won't forget.

(she doesn't).

(and it's nice... until then it's not).

/

the moment of realization comes as the days go by.

it is a terrifying moment that manages to change sana's mind about the kiss she shared with momo weeks ago because now she wants to forget it.

she doesn't, however, and sana shouldn't be so surprised when that happens because she has been recreating the moment in her mind more times than her fingers can count.

it happens while she is eating. she talks to lee sunmi; her nanny, in the middle of the meal until she doesn't and her food goes down in a nasty way.

lee sunmi talks about how the family that has moved down the street is nicer than they appear to be and tells sana how she shared some time with them a few days ago while sana was at school, and sana is excited when sunmi mentions that the family has a dog; immediately claiming that she wants to go over to that house and sunmi shines. sana looks at her with curious eyes and then sunmi says.

"good idea, honey." her voice is sweet and a soft smile traces her lips. "the kim’s have a son about your age. i'm sure your mother would like you to come over."

sana swallows quickly and the food burns in , and she is suddenly tasteless. "if i come close?"

her question makes sunmi laugh mockingly and talk about how it's about time she got interested in some boy or something, who will soon be fifteen and sunmi's eyes are full of mockery and hit sana many times while the words keep coming out of .

it's blurry until. "interested like what? what is interest?"

sunmi smiles. "it's when you like someone." she says. "when you can't stop thinking about that person. you want to kiss and hug them all the time, and it makes you feel happy whenever they crosses your mind."

the short explanation makes sana's stomach contract. she pushes her plate on the table and sunmi looks at her curiously.

sana's brain runs and continues to do so in an attempt to get out of the smokescreen that blurs all her thoughts, and in the process she says. "how can that person be a boy that i don't know?"

sunmi shrugs her shoulders. "you discover it with the pass of time."

oh.

her brain stops running.

she discovers there, at that moment, sitting in front of sunmi, that something about her friendship with momo is not right.

you discover it with the pass of the time, the words repeat themselves in sana's mind as she remembers how a couple of months have passed since she first kissed momo and how she cannot stop thinking about her. how she wants to kiss and hug her all the time, and how happy she is when momo passes through her mind.

the discovery, of course, is not pleasant at the moment.

"sana?"

sana looks up, realizing that she is now standing and looking at sunmi. "yes?"

"is something wrong?"

"no." (yes). "i don't know."

sana keeps looking into her eyes and she knows that sunmi knows something. it's perhaps the way sunmi looks at her through her glass, which indicates to sana that she has a slight idea of what may be happening; there is something that seems understanding and doubt, and something that makes her feel calm for a moment even though her brain is spinning again.

sunmi doesn't say anything. she stands up and guides sana, who is silent and looks how her hand looks so small next to sunmi's.

when sunmi stops in the living room, prompting sana to sit next to her, that's when her lips finally part.

"is there anything you want to tell me, sana?"

sana wants to scream yes, but she doesn't know how. and it's not like she's terrified about how sunmi might react to her words or anything like that; sunmi is always understanding and keeps the things sana tells her to herself. what she is really terrified about is her newfound feelings, because she is not sure how momo might react to them.

(her mother, sunmi and momo are the only three people in sana's life from whom she cannot keep things).

so he nods, but he doesn't talk. sunmi doesn't either; she waits and sana really appreciates it.

she sits down and thinks, thinks for a long time about how she has ignored the fluttering of her heart when momo smiles at her or crosses her mind. how she has ignored the fact that she is always looking for momo's hand or keeping in touch with her in any way possible. how she has ignored the fact that she is always remembering the kiss they shared and hoping that it will happen again.

that last thought makes her go back and sana waits, this time while she remembers again, to forget it, but she doesn't again.

so she sighs noisily and raises her eyes, sunmi is already looking at her and sana says, "i think i already feel interest in someone."

sunmi pushes her cup on the table, paying more attention, if possible, to sana.

"may i know who is?"

there's a short period of silence in between them until. "it's momo." says sana and feels like all the air is escaping from her lungs and burning inside.

sunmi, in fact, doesn't seem really surprised. there is no emotion on her face for a few seconds until her lips break into a smile and sana wonders if that is the effect of whatever she is drinking, but she knows it is not when the older woman's sincere eyes rest on her and she says nothing, but embraces her. it's nice.

"i didn't know." sana says quickly, she is still being pressed against sunmi's shoulder. "until a moment ago. when you talked about how it is to feel interest, i thought about momo all the time."

sana looks up and sunmi is looking at her, she bows and raises a hand, and throws a lock of sana's messy hair behind her ear.

"i see." she says. "are you really sure about that?"

sana nods enthusiastically. she's never been surer of anything in her life. but then her enthusiastic look becomes sad. "yes."

"are you going to tell momo?" sana steps back, terror shines in her eyes and sunmi speaks again. "it's okay if you don't want to do it."

"i know." sana says. "i think maybe i will, but... i am afraid."

"you don't have to be afraid, honey." sunmi smiles and is so positive that sana thinks for a moment that she is right. "in fact, i think she might have a couple of things to say to you."

(maybe momo does).

sana sighs, leaning back into sunmi's embrace and waits, really waits, for sunmi to be right.

(she doesn't find out, though).

/

it takes time for sana to make sure that whatever is going to slips off makes sense.

the first few days after the conversation she had with sunmi, sana tries to keep it a secret, but it's actually very difficult so she ends up saying a couple of things in front of her mother, but she doesn't get a negative reaction. her mother, in fact, whistles and says a couple of things that make sana's cheeks blush, but that is all.

sana hopes that after letting her mother know, her thoughts will calm down a bit, but she only gets more upset when she realizes that her desire to kiss momo only seems to be increasing, as well as her desire