/

if there's one thing minatozaki sana likes to look at, it's cotton candy.

even if sana used to eat it sometimes too, she actually chose to look at it from the distance; always imagining how soft it would be to the touch or how strong the smell of the melted sugar would be if she were nearby.

sana knows it's strange. she has thought about it more times than her fingers can count. however, that thought doesn't make sana stop or change because sana continues to want to look more at cotton candy from a distance than to eat it.

there is a reason, of course; and that is that sana thinks that there is no more precious thing than dry cotton candy. yes, of course it’s insanely good at the moment it comes into contact with the taste buds, sana thinks, but it's not so pleasant to see once it's dissolved very easily, becoming sticky to the touch. so sana looks at it from a distance without stopping; not even if her fingertips sting excessively when she wants to reach the cone.

sana sighs, shaking her head and scratching her fingertips, because she's thinking about it again.

she doesn't blame herself, however. sana is aware that she only thinks about it because of the strong smell of candy that is coming through her nostrils. it's a pleasant smell, sana must clear it up. in fact, it's so pleasant that it makes sana wonder if that caramel shampoo smell would be stronger if im nayeon sat a couple of seats closer.

sana shakes her head again, but this time a blush covers her cheeks as she takes another look at the girl sitting three seats away from her.

im nayeon.

nayeon is sitting in the same seat she's been sitting in for the past few years. she sits there, quietly, distracted, while the evening sunlight gently hits her face and forms figures on it. sana wonders how she can look so angelic before her eyes, so bright that it is almost painful to look at her.

then sana pauses because nayeon stops, turning on her seat to look at sana directly in the eyes for a few seconds; as always, until sana turns away sharply while twisting her toes uncomfortably; as always.

sana takes a deep breath and tries to stabilize not only her heart but also her body temperature because her cheeks burn as if the hot summer sun were hitting her face directly. however, it's another failed attempt that makes sana roll her eyes and tilt her head slightly to look at nayeon again.

there's something about nayeon that reminds sana of cotton candy that goes beyond the smell of the shampoo nayeon uses, but sana cannot say exactly what it is.

sana thinks that perhaps it's the fact that nayeon always sits three seats further away from her that makes her wonder what else nayeon might smell like or how soft her hair or skin would be to touch. or perhaps it's the fact that sana always chooses to look at nayeon above anything else she can imagine; because sana knows really well that if she were to approach nayeon, she would probably manage to do it so without too much difficulty.

whatever it is, nayeon is like cotton candy to sana so that's why sana keeps looking at her, detailing from the distance the shapes that the twilight rays make on her face, until she has to stop when nayeon goes out of her sight and the bus continues without her on it.

the air is light without the strong smell of caramel permeating it, realizes sana, and her fingers stop itching because she doesn’t want to touch something that is so close, but she want to keep it so far away, and that feeling is pleasant.

or at least it is until sana remembers that tomorrow at morning as soon as her eyes find nayeon three seats away from her, the feeling will return.

sana sighs and shakes her head again, and tells herself to enjoy the quiet hours before everything comes again.

/

"mina?"

"oh, sana." the voice on the other side of the counter vibrates. it's slow, but sweet; it's also far away until. "welcome." it's clear and followed by a short smile.

myoui mina stands on the other side of the counter, facing sana and with a kitchen apron hugging her body; it's stained with flour and the left side of mina's forehead too.

sana laughs.

"hello." she says, smiling back at mina, who looks at her with her eyebrows together. "would you mind if i stayed here for a while?"

mina shakes her head in anguish and the offense is reflected in her features. "you don't even have to ask me." she says to sana, but then. "what's so funny?"

"nothing."

"sana..."

"you have flour on your forehead." sana laughs and laughs, and sits down near the counter.

mina blushes with shame and runs her hand across her forehead, and sana laughs again.

"i'm baking." mina explains briefly. "do you want some hot chocolate? you look pale."

sana shrugging her shoulders. "i'm cold." she explain, but also nod.

a pause settles in between them when mina turns on her heels and begins to make the chocolate with great concentration, and sana pays attention to her; looking at her with intensity.

the admiration is clear in sana's eyes and mina is not too surprised to find her eyes full of adoration. (it's always the same).

"mom wants to talk with you." mina bursts into the silence, pushing the hot chocolate into sana's hand. "she says she needs to ask you something."

"really?"

"yes."

"hm, what is it?"

"sana..."

"yes, mina?"

"you know how mom is." mina sighs, her eyes dancing over the bakery.

"not better than you."

then mina stops her gaze on sana's own eyes, which look at her with uncertainty.

mina sighs.

(sana was right, of course, because myoui mitsuki wasn't her mother after all, and they didn't have the best relationship.)

"it's actually several things."

"so...?"

(while sana's relationship with myoui mitsuki was not bad at all, it was not the best either; it had a lot to do with the fact that mitsuki never wanted to take care of sana after knowing that she had been abandoned by her eldest daughter; sana's mom. however, she ended up taking care of sana somehow because mina, her youngest daughter, took the responsibility when she was only twenty-two years old and still living with her).

"typical stuff." mina responded quietly. "you know, uh, things about your life. like what you're thinking about doing when you finish college or... or if you like someone or something."

sana smiles and shakes her head, but she is not surprised because these are questions myoui mitsuki would ask.

"well, i think we're going to have a rather disappointing conversation." sana says to mina. "you know? i don't like anyone and i haven't thought about exactly what i will do after college."

"really?"

"really what?"

"don't you like anyone?"

sana nods. "is that so surprising?"

mina smiles, but shakes her head and listens to sana mutter something about how she is older than her and has not yet settled down with someone so she is about to reply, but stops as soon as the doorbell rings.

a little boy stands on the entrance mat, his nose glowing with the color pink on it and he gives a curious look to the two women in front of him.

"can i have a cotton candy?"

"one?"

"yes."

"all right, wait here a minute." mina gave him a smile.

sana follows mina with her eyes until.

"you want a cotton candy too?" the boy asks her. "i can buy one for you."

sana turns and looks at him, and smiles when she says. "no, no. it's okay."

"really?"

"yes." she says. "i don't like it so much."

"oh?" the kid leans forward with curiosity. in his eyes he can't believe that someone doesn't like cotton candy so much and he is about to talk when mina walks up to him and delivers his order. "thank you."

"it's ₩15."

"here."

"thank you too." mina responds sweetly. "go home safely, okay?"

"okay!"

sana observes how the kid smiles with the same sweetness as the smell of cotton candy and wonders if that cotton candy is as fluffy as it looks, and if the taste would be similar to strawberries. (sana has never seen a pink cotton candy before.)

"i didn't know you still sold cotton candy." sana commented when mina approached her.

"i didn't do it until now. usually you sell more in the summer because of the fairs and stuff, but the profits in the fall are good too because there's not a stall on every corner." mina calmly explains and. "do you want one?"

"no." sana refuses immediately. "thank you."

mina nods and even if she wants to insist, she doesn't.

/

later, while sana rolls around in her bed, she wonders if what she is doing with the cotton candy has anything to do with the last time she saw her mother.

then she remembers the summer, the heavy air and the cotton candy stands everywhere, and remembers her mother so smiling and cheerful, pushing money into her hands and asking her to not come home so late because she would not do that either.

sana remembers wondering why her mother had given her so much money, but forgetting as soon as she stumbled near one of the cotton stands. she remembers buying two and returning home, and waiting merrily while eating her own cotton only to feel a handful of negative emotions hitting her the next morning when she noticed her mother was not home.

she remembers telling herself that she would return  soon only to feel bitter when she was told her mother would not and she also clearly remembers how much she longed to see her mother's happy smile as she ate that cotton candy that sana had bought for her.

sana remembers it clearly even if has been years and this time, for the first time in a long time, she thinks that maybe those days has a lot to do with the fact that she prefers to look at the cotton candy than to eat it.

/

a couple of days later, sana is talking to some of her classmates in the hallway when she sees a figure smaller than her running desperately down the same corridor.

it's im nayeon, who looks agitated and nervous, but also somewhat cheerful and sana feels how her heart stirs with the same feeling as soon as she realizes it.

then there is a thought that suddenly invades sana's mind; something about how the joy of eating cotton candy after craving it so much, resembles the joy of loving someone so desperately.

sana pauses, blinking and thinking immediately then how it's that the disappointment of not getting cotton candy after craving it so desperately resembles the disappointment of knowing that someone will not come back even if you wait so long; of knowing that that person has abandoned you.

sana's thoughts run and her memories fall back on what she thought days ago, and then sana is aware of why nayeon reminds her so much of cotton candy: if she continues to look at her from the distance, there will be no disappointment as soon as nayeon has to leave, because she was never present in sana's life in the first place anyway.

/

the realization she had days ago doesn't make her feel desperate. in fact, sana continues thinking about it calmly and even begins to hope that nayeon will never be present in her life directly.

sana tells herself that if she has been satisfied for years simply looking at nayeon from the distance, she can keep doing it as long as she can.

so that's what she does.

sana keeps looking at her, but not only when nayeon is three seats away from her. sana also looks at nayeon on the campus, in the hallways of the college, in the library, at the swimming club, and almost anywhere else they coincide. sana also looks at nayeon when aono makoto stands at the olympic pool to walk up to her and press a kiss on nayeon's lips as soon as he stands in front of her.

he smiles with joy, sana thinks, and nayeon seems to do the same too.

sana thinks about how much she would have liked not to look at that, but she does not blame her eyes, because they always look for a way to find nayeon even if she is in the middle of a big crowd.

anyway, that doesn't stop sana's fingertips from itching as she continues watching, but this time she doesn't long to touch nayeon. there's no disappointment in her chest, but there is something of a rejection that makes sana run away and think about how lucky she is for not to have nayeon in her life.

/

even if sana feels lucky, she cannot help but feel that there is something negative on her, but she cannot understand what it is.