Silence
Silence
When Jinki wakes up, he sees white.
His first thought is Is this heaven? But then his eyes focus and he understands through the fogginess of his brain that it’s just the lights. He feels something attached to his face, around his nose and mouth; it makes it seem like he’s breathing into a bag, the air’s not enough, so he brings a hand up to tug the thing off, but something catches on his wrist and he freezes, looking down to find another person’s hand there.
His gaze travels up the arm, pale and skinny, to the person’s face. It’s a woman, a nurse from her uniform and she’s shaking her head down at him, telling him no, and saying it too, except Jinki can’t hear it. He thinks maybe she’s being quiet because someone else in the room is trying to sleep, that she’s just mouthing the words so he knows that she wants him to stop but doesn’t want to say it. He rationalizes that’s all it is so he tries to listen to her, pointing to the mask over his face and giving her a pleading look. He wants it off. Please.
She mutters something else, something Jinki can’t understand because it’s not like he can read lips well, and reaches around his head to lift the mask off. The crisp air makes Jinki cough at first, the cold making his throat quiver as he breathes and it takes a minute before he can breathe normally. The nurse’s hands are on his chest, the heels of her palm digging under his collarbones painfully and he pries them off, wincing. She’s saying something again, but this time Jinki doesn’t think she’s doing this to be quiet.
His eyes stare at her chapped lips, trying to focus on the sound. But there’s nothing. It’s absolutely quiet, almost…deafening.
Jinki pauses, lifting a hand to his ear. He feels a bandage around his head, and starts to understand why his skull and hair felt a little pressed, but his ears aren’t covered. Nothing’s in them, nothing’s blocking him from hearing. It’s just silent.
The woman grabs his attention again,tilting her head and asking something. Jinki can barely make out “Are you okay?”.
He feels fine, physically. He can feel the blood pumping through his head because of the tight wrap around it, but otherwise nothing hurts. He wiggles his feet, and their fine. Nothing aches, nothing stings. His mouth feels dry, but then again he’s not sure how long he’s been asleep. He looks at the nurse, opens his mouth to tell her he’s fine…and he feels the vibrations. He can tell he’s talking, but no sounds coming out.
No sounds. From anything.
His eyes widen and his hands move like snakes, gripping onto the woman’s uniform like a vice. He tries to talk again, asking Why can’t I hear? Her own eyes have doubled in size and she’s staring at him with confusing and fear. Jinki knows he’s scaring her, but he doesn’t even begin to care. He can’t hear for Christ’s sake!
He asks, again and again, straining his voice, trying to make himself loud enough to hear, but it doesn’t help. He’s screaming, his voice cracking from the effort, and he can’t even hear himself yell. The nurse pulls away from him, running out of the room and Jinki assumes he’s just been left there to fend for himself. He looks around the room, seeing all the equipment and the white floors, walls, white everything. The machines are blinking, green and red lights flashing and Jinki wonders if they were supposed to be beeping too.
It’s only because he sees it from the corner of his eye that he knows the door opens. It doesn’t creak, doesn’t make any noise. Or if it does, Jinki can’t hear it.
Two more nurses step back in, along with a man in all white with a stethoscope around his neck, who Jinki assumes is the doctor.
He says something, but Jinki just shakes his head, his knees curling up and his hands covering his head. He can’t hear. He can’t hear.
Taemin comes in an hour later, and holds Jinki while he sobs into his shirt. Jinki asks why this had to happen to him, asks it again and again, along with Taemin’s name. The younger boy isn’t sure if he should bother answering. His hyung couldn’t hear him anyway. So Taemin just holds him, rubbing his back and rocking gently.
The doctor tells him that they knew the problem would be internal. The handicap could have been something much worse, like parts of his body being paralyzed. Taemin winced, imagining his hyung waking up, not being able to move. The man tells him that auditory damage was one of the best options they could hope for, and that it would be hard for Jinki to get used to, but it would be easier than dealing with anything else. He doesn’t believe that; Taemin knows that it’ll be hard for Jinki either way. Not being able to hear anymore…he can’t even begin to think how it could be a better injury. What kind of doctor says any injury is better than anything else?
Jinki would be permanently deaf. The nerve connected to his auditory hearing, a big word that Taemin didn't know, had been severed. Jinki would have trouble with his balance, his vertigo, and would never hear anything else again.
Twenty-two years of being able to hear, and now Jinki couldn't. It took five seconds for Jinki's hearing to be lost, and now the rest of his life was spread out before him, completely soundless.
Taemin found himself talking to Jinki, cooing in his ear, telling him everything would be fine. It didn't matter if Jinki couldn't hear his reassurances. Jinki was the same, he was the same hyung who took care of Taemin like he was his real older brother. It was just time for Taemin to take care of Jinki this time, and he was going to make sure he did a good job.
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