Later, Xiening will look at pictures and videos of the moment and be surprised that she didn’t cry harder than she did. She already knows that she was too visibly devastated, that she should have tried harder to control herself, but how could she be expected to?

She didn’t just lose Yiyang as a group member; she also lost a future she had been hoping for in which they could be more.

Xiening had told herself that she would confess after the finale, whether they made it into the group or not. She only considered those two outcomes: they both made it, or they both didn’t. It didn’t occur to her that only one of them would.

Even in her worst case scenario, they faced it together. She didn’t consider that this would be the actual worst case scenario.

“Xiening.” Even now, Yiyang is trying to put on a brave face for her. Giving a smile that actually looks genuine. It probably is, actually, because Xiening can tell Yiyang is genuinely happy for her. “Come on, cheer up. How can you be the one crying? I’m not even crying.”

“You can cry if you want to,” Xiening says seriously.

“I don’t want to, and I don’t want you to either. Come on, we won’t see each other for a while after this. You don’t want the picture I remember of you to be of you all snotty and sniffly, right?”

Xiening disregards the ‘snotty and sniffly’ comment, even though normally she’d whine about Yiyang being mean to her. “You’re sure then? That we won’t see each other for a while?”

Something flickers across Yiyang’s face. “I mean, I just figured you’d be really busy.”

“Not too busy to make time for you,” Xiening blurts out.

“Aww, Liu-jie, I’m touched,” Yiyang says, pretending to fan her face like she’s blushing. Xiening can see the genuine spark of brightness in her eyes though. “I’m going to hold you to that.”

“You should,” Xiening says. “I mean it, you know.”

Yiyang’s expression softens. “I know you do.” She bites her lip. “It’s just…”

“Just what?”

Yiyang hesitates, then shakes her head unconvincingly. “Nothing. Forget it.”

Xiening frowns. “It’s not nothing. What were you going to say?”

“You’re going to do so many things, Xiening. Record songs and film variety shows and hold concerts.” There’s no envy or resentment in Yiyang’s voice as she speaks. “You’re going to get more opportunities and meet more people.”

“None of them could—” Xiening starts, but Yiyang cuts across her, voice uncharacteristically firm as she says, “Let me finish.” Xiening obediently falls quiet.

“I’m not accusing you of anything. I know you mean what you’re saying now, but sometimes time turns us against our word. And I wouldn’t hold that against you. I don’t want you to make promises now that you won’t be able to keep later, not because you didn’t try but because life got in the way. I don’t…ever want to hold you back, Xiening.”

Yiyang looks at her with eyes that are finally damp, and Xiening suddenly realizes that she knows. She knows about Xiening’s feelings, has known for a while, and she’s not rejecting them, per se, but…releasing her from them.

But Xiening doesn’t want to be released.

“You wouldn’t hold me back,” Xiening says in a voice that’s so hoarse it’s barely audible, like all the tears in her body have clogged .

“What?”

Xiening clears . “You wouldn’t hold me back. You would never hold me back. You would only do the opposite. Xu Yiyang, don’t you know that you’re the reason I can get out of bed some days?”

Yiyang’s eyes widen.

“I wouldn’t be here without you. I really wouldn’t. I would have just…collapsed one day, if you weren’t there to hold me up. If you didn’t believe in me.”

Yiyang’s eyes mist over, but she says, “You give yourself too little credit.”

Xiening stubbornly shakes her head. “Are you saying that you don’t believe in me anymore?”

“Of course I do! Xiening, I’ll always believe in you.”

“Then why don’t you believe that there could be an us?”

“It’ll just…” Yiyang swallows. “It’ll just hurt more if there’s an us and then there isn’t.”

“What if I want to take that risk?” Xiening presses. “What if I think it’s worth it?” She meets Yiyang’s gaze head-on, like she’s daring Yiyang to say it’s not.

Instead, Yiyang’s face crumples. “Ningning.” She uses the affectionate nickname that always makes Xiening’s stomach flutter. “What do you want me to do?”

I want you to be with me, Xiening thinks, immediately, but something in Yiyang’s face stops the words from passing her lips.

“You know if they catch wind of this, there’s no way they’ll allow it,” Yiyang says, a caution.

“I don’t care,” Xiening says petulantly, even though she knows she has to. Yiyang just looks at her. Sometimes, it really feels like Yiyang is the older one between them. Xiening lays her last card on the table. “Then just tell me you don’t want to. Tell me you don’t want me.”

Yiyang shakes her head, slowly. “You know I can’t do that.”

“Then what, you want me to be the one to say it? To be the one to walk away? I can’t do that. I won’t do that.” Xiening is shaking now, on the verge of tears again, a brink she’s never really left but refuses to let herself fall past. “You think you’re going to hold me back, right? You think I’m going to meet someone else and fall for them, or just kill myself trying to have schedules while also making time for us? Well, you know what would really hold me back? If you ended this. Us. I know that we didn’t even begin, really, so maybe you’re going to say there’s nothing to end but there is for me. And I would suffer, Yiyang, I would suffer so much. And I know you would too, but you’d pretend it wouldn’t, just like you’re pretending you’re not sad right now because you don’t want to upset me. You’re right, how could you not be crying while I am? You’re always the one to wipe away my tears – when are you going to let me wipe away yours? Because I want to. Not that I want you to cry, but if you do, I want to be there to wipe away your tears, and if you laugh I want to be there to soak it in, and if you have news to share, no matter what type, I want to be the first to hear it.”

She takes a deep breath, unable to remember the last time she spoke so much all at once. Yiyang is staring at her, eyes bright with more than tears, and Xiening suddenly feels too shy to meet her gaze. Like she had bared her heart in front of Yiyang and is now standing with her ribcage pulled open. Completely exposed. She drops her eyes, twisting her hands together and biting her lip.

“Ningning.” A gentle hand tilts her chin up. “That scolded schoolgirl look doesn’t suit you.”

Xiening looks up and is met with a smile. Yiyang’s smile, so warm and so tender and so much, like Xiening could never do enough to deserve such an expression. But maybe she doesn’t need to.

“I want,” Yiyang starts. “I want you there too.” She holds out her hand, and for an absurd moment Xiening thinks that Yiyang wants her to shake it, but then she goes oh and her fingers find their way between Yiyang’s, where they belong.

“I can’t believe you doubted us like that,” Xiening huffs.

“I’m sorry,” Yiyang says, in a cutely whining tone she knows Xiening can’t resist. Hmph. That cheater.

Xiening burrows her head against Yiyang’s shoulder. “Don’t do that to me again.”

Yiyang affectionately her hair. “Okay, okay, I won’t.”

“Yangyang~” Xiening stretches out her voice.

Yiyang looks simultaneously moved and wary. “What?”

“You have to make it up to me.” Xiening puts on her best puppy dog eyes. “I suffered great emotional damage.”

“Oh, you did, did you? And how do you want me to make it up to you?”

Xiening gets a glint in her eyes, leans in and whispers something in Yiyang’s ear that has her flushing a bright red.

“Liu Xiening! Don’t push your luck!”

But, Xiening thinks, as she puts on a doleful face and Yiyang sighs but pulls Xiening back against her shoulder and threads their fingers together, she already has pushed her luck and somehow it was actually on her side. Yiyang is by her side and no matter what lies ahead of them, they’re not going to let go.