— TrueBoice101
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TrueBoice101's The Secret World Reviewed by : Finally_Home title [3/5] personally, i don't think this title is very unique, but it's definitely relevant to the plot. i also enjoyed the chapter titles; i think unique chapter titles should make a comeback. description [9/10] i mean, it certainly does what it's supposed to do. it was short, sweet, and gave enough information about the story without giving too much away. i did take off a point because of the last line--it should be a semicolon or an m-dash between the two clauses. for example, "she had a name; she was irene". plot [20/30] for such a short story, there was a lot going on--wendy's lack of motivation, irene's entire existence, wendy's brother, the entire world--but because it was so short, i had a hard time keeping up with everything without due explanations. i understand that this is a counterpart to another story, so i assume that the world is a lot more built in that story; however, as a standalone, the worldbuilding needs to hold more strongly in this story alone.
i did enjoy the events of the story! it read like an 80s sci-fi (and as we all know, the 80s were known for sci-fi) and there was definitely a sense of detachment associated with the genre. however, i was put off by a lot of things as well.
for a piece that dealt with this much stuff, there was surprisingly less big events than i expected. for 8000 words and two chapters of buildup, i expected a big , if not from plot then from characterization, but it never came. it seems that the was supposed to be when irene pulls wendy into 'her world', but other than vaguely interesting, it wasn't anything else. part of this has to do with characterization, which i'll talk about later, but solely plot-wise, it fell flat.
the feeling that the third chapter invoked within me was that of cosmos (the sagan show). calm, maybe a little bit overwhelming, informational, but not much else. despite this, i liked how you handled the last part of the third chapter, when wendy returns from the world. in my opinion, the end of the third chapter would have made a beautiful ending and the fourth chapter was wholly unnecessary, but the fourth chapter did wrap up the story, which was nice.
i usually also talk about dialogue in this section, but since the dialogue ties into a lot to the characters (especially irene), i'll talk about it later. the last thing i'll say is that i appreciate your attention to detail--your descriptions are very well done and vividly-painted. characterization [15/30]
wendy:
i don't think we know much about wendy at all. we know her brother died, but where are her parents? was she so close to her brother that when he died she could no longer find joy in life? that seems to be the case, but it should be shown more clearly.
i also noticed that in trying to explain things to readers, you make wendy say things that people normally would never say out loud. for example, in the first chapter, "'What was that?' Wendy said pressing her back to the wall, a hand tightly clutching her left ." usually in that situation, people would keep the thought internalized, which is why when they do say it out loud, the dialogue tag is usually 'said out loud' (to indicate that it's usually NOT said out loud).
these kinds of things show up frequently in the story, but i'll just point out one more example. "'Love? Are you by any chance from Australia or the UK? But you don't have any accent...'" this is when wendy is talking to irene for the first time. usually people don't comment on other people's accents or speaking styles, much less say out loud 'you don't have an accent' with a trailing ellipsis. usually people keep those sorts of things internalized so as to not seem rude (and presumably, wendy would not want to seem rude).
(i couldn't resist pointing out another example: "'What do you mean? You're weird. The only thing you have is a pretty face, but those are a dime a dozen; go to any place...'" this is in the second chapter, when wendy invites irene in. no one uses phrases like 'a dime a dozen' in every day conversation unless they're being ironic or they're really, really old. the usage of phrases like these in dialogue makes the conversation seem forced and pretentious, which is the last thing you want from a normal girl like wendy.)
is there any sort of reason why wendy straight-up ignored the dream with the old man warning her? if i met a strange lady and then dreamed that someone warned me about said lady, i'd take said warning pretty seriously, especially if it felt so real.
other than those things, the main thing that bothered me about wendy was that we never emotionally connected with her. as a narrator, she did her job--she told the story. but did she do it in a way that made me emotionally invested in her journey? no, she did not. there was a lot of 'tell' (as opposed to 'show') which distanced us (as readers) immensely. we don't have to like the main character, but we do have to be invested in their story.
if you were going for the vaguely detached style in 80s sci-fi, i'd say you're getting there but you've still got a ways to go; there is a large gap between detached point of view versus detached emotions. here's a nice guide that i found on how to write to appeal more emotionally to your readers.
irene:
i think it was nice how irene was developed. since she's a side character whose concept and existence is mystery, we don't need to know much about her at all. in fact, that we don't know much about her only adds to her goddess-y aura. i found her dialogue to be weird and jerky, but to be fair, she's from a different dimension and definitely not a normal person, so it makes sense.
i enjoyed how you extended the theme of wendy's brother throughout the story, starting from when irene mentioned him in the beginning to the end. that was very well done. actually, i think irene was well-done in general, and i don't think i have much to say about her. flow [12/25] i enjoyed your writing style a lot; i felt like it fit the story and kept me engaged. however, there were a lot of times where i felt 'ejected' from the story, if you know what i mean, because the flow was broken.
the cadence of your sentences is generally pretty okay, but occasionally, i would read a sentence that jolted me out. for example, "She felt more human, the more they conversed." this was somewhere when wendy and irene talked for the first time. i felt like it made more sense backwards, as in "the more they conversed, the more human she felt." this is mostly to keep the parallel structure of the sentence, which then makes it flow much better. there are more examples of sentences like this that break the flow, but i'm going to move on.
the grammar in this story was pretty okay. the only real problem i had with grammar-related stuff was punctuation. you tended to forego commas at some places and insert them unnecessarily in others. for example: the sentence "A man dressed poorly, in tatters that were dull and gray, with a face that was washed by time was her guest" could be improved by saying "a man dressed in tatters that were dull and gray, with a face that was washed by time, was her guest". notice that 'dressed in tatters' implies that he was dressed poorly. there is no one solution to knowing how and when to use commas other than learning the rules.
i think i mentioned this before in the characterization section, but i disliked wendy's dialogue (as well as inner monologue). there's absolutely nothing wrong with saying things like 'wendy thought', especially since this is a rather detached point of view! one can compare these types of stories to alice in wonderland; lewis carroll did a fantastic job with the detached pov.
but the problem comes when there's less 'wendy thought' and more 'wendy said'. some things don't need to be said. in fact, some things are better off NOT said. it's okay to not make wendy speak when she's alone; i mean, who would she be talking to? people do talk to themselves--hell, i do it too--but if that's the case, establish it early and make it clear.
also, people talk to themselves as if they were talking to another person (that is, with natural conversation). if it doesn't make sense for wendy to talk in the mysterious cadence that irene uses, don't make her talk like that at all. if wendy is supposed to talk that way as well, don't make her talk like people nowadays talk. pick one, and be consistent.
the last thing i want to mention is regarding word choice. word choice makes or breaks a story. there are certain words that you want to find in a certain type of story, and certain words that you don't want to find. for this story, you did very well for the most part, but i was frequently distracted from the story by a particular word that you used.
the most notable example i could find was the word 'poke'. i'm not sure why you chose the phrase 'poke around' as a set phrase, but it definitely detracted from the fluidity of the piece (which, btw, could have been very well-done). you also used passive voice a lot ('thing was done by wendy' instead of 'wendy did thing') which was very distracting. there are, of course, exceptions to every rule and sometimes passive voice makes a nice change in the normal cadence of the piece ("So vividly was her visage captured that she gasped" was a very beautiful line), but usually, try to avoid it. personal enjoyment [2/5] of course, i'm obliged to remind you that my personal enjoyment in no way devalues your piece. i think that this was an interesting concept, but there seemed to be too much in this story for only 8000 words. i also think i would have enjoyed it more if the execution had been better done. but what really struck me about this piece was your descriptions, which were beautifully done. TOTAL : 59/100
i did enjoy the events of the story! it read like an 80s sci-fi (and as we all know, the 80s were known for sci-fi) and there was definitely a sense of detachment associated with the genre. however, i was put off by a lot of things as well.
for a piece that dealt with this much stuff, there was surprisingly less big events than i expected. for 8000 words and two chapters of buildup, i expected a big , if not from plot then from characterization, but it never came. it seems that the was supposed to be when irene pulls wendy into 'her world', but other than vaguely interesting, it wasn't anything else. part of this has to do with characterization, which i'll talk about later, but solely plot-wise, it fell flat.
the feeling that the third chapter invoked within me was that of cosmos (the sagan show). calm, maybe a little bit overwhelming, informational, but not much else. despite this, i liked how you handled the last part of the third chapter, when wendy returns from the world. in my opinion, the end of the third chapter would have made a beautiful ending and the fourth chapter was wholly unnecessary, but the fourth chapter did wrap up the story, which was nice.
i usually also talk about dialogue in this section, but since the dialogue ties into a lot to the characters (especially irene), i'll talk about it later. the last thing i'll say is that i appreciate your attention to detail--your descriptions are very well done and vividly-painted. characterization [15/30]
wendy:
i don't think we know much about wendy at all. we know her brother died, but where are her parents? was she so close to her brother that when he died she could no longer find joy in life? that seems to be the case, but it should be shown more clearly.
i also noticed that in trying to explain things to readers, you make wendy say things that people normally would never say out loud. for example, in the first chapter, "'What was that?' Wendy said pressing her back to the wall, a hand tightly clutching her left ." usually in that situation, people would keep the thought internalized, which is why when they do say it out loud, the dialogue tag is usually 'said out loud' (to indicate that it's usually NOT said out loud).
these kinds of things show up frequently in the story, but i'll just point out one more example. "'Love? Are you by any chance from Australia or the UK? But you don't have any accent...'" this is when wendy is talking to irene for the first time. usually people don't comment on other people's accents or speaking styles, much less say out loud 'you don't have an accent' with a trailing ellipsis. usually people keep those sorts of things internalized so as to not seem rude (and presumably, wendy would not want to seem rude).
(i couldn't resist pointing out another example: "'What do you mean? You're weird. The only thing you have is a pretty face, but those are a dime a dozen; go to any place...'" this is in the second chapter, when wendy invites irene in. no one uses phrases like 'a dime a dozen' in every day conversation unless they're being ironic or they're really, really old. the usage of phrases like these in dialogue makes the conversation seem forced and pretentious, which is the last thing you want from a normal girl like wendy.)
is there any sort of reason why wendy straight-up ignored the dream with the old man warning her? if i met a strange lady and then dreamed that someone warned me about said lady, i'd take said warning pretty seriously, especially if it felt so real.
other than those things, the main thing that bothered me about wendy was that we never emotionally connected with her. as a narrator, she did her job--she told the story. but did she do it in a way that made me emotionally invested in her journey? no, she did not. there was a lot of 'tell' (as opposed to 'show') which distanced us (as readers) immensely. we don't have to like the main character, but we do have to be invested in their story.
if you were going for the vaguely detached style in 80s sci-fi, i'd say you're getting there but you've still got a ways to go; there is a large gap between detached point of view versus detached emotions. here's a nice guide that i found on how to write to appeal more emotionally to your readers.
irene:
i think it was nice how irene was developed. since she's a side character whose concept and existence is mystery, we don't need to know much about her at all. in fact, that we don't know much about her only adds to her goddess-y aura. i found her dialogue to be weird and jerky, but to be fair, she's from a different dimension and definitely not a normal person, so it makes sense.
i enjoyed how you extended the theme of wendy's brother throughout the story, starting from when irene mentioned him in the beginning to the end. that was very well done. actually, i think irene was well-done in general, and i don't think i have much to say about her. flow [12/25] i enjoyed your writing style a lot; i felt like it fit the story and kept me engaged. however, there were a lot of times where i felt 'ejected' from the story, if you know what i mean, because the flow was broken.
the cadence of your sentences is generally pretty okay, but occasionally, i would read a sentence that jolted me out. for example, "She felt more human, the more they conversed." this was somewhere when wendy and irene talked for the first time. i felt like it made more sense backwards, as in "the more they conversed, the more human she felt." this is mostly to keep the parallel structure of the sentence, which then makes it flow much better. there are more examples of sentences like this that break the flow, but i'm going to move on.
the grammar in this story was pretty okay. the only real problem i had with grammar-related stuff was punctuation. you tended to forego commas at some places and insert them unnecessarily in others. for example: the sentence "A man dressed poorly, in tatters that were dull and gray, with a face that was washed by time was her guest" could be improved by saying "a man dressed in tatters that were dull and gray, with a face that was washed by time, was her guest". notice that 'dressed in tatters' implies that he was dressed poorly. there is no one solution to knowing how and when to use commas other than learning the rules.
i think i mentioned this before in the characterization section, but i disliked wendy's dialogue (as well as inner monologue). there's absolutely nothing wrong with saying things like 'wendy thought', especially since this is a rather detached point of view! one can compare these types of stories to alice in wonderland; lewis carroll did a fantastic job with the detached pov.
but the problem comes when there's less 'wendy thought' and more 'wendy said'. some things don't need to be said. in fact, some things are better off NOT said. it's okay to not make wendy speak when she's alone; i mean, who would she be talking to? people do talk to themselves--hell, i do it too--but if that's the case, establish it early and make it clear.
also, people talk to themselves as if they were talking to another person (that is, with natural conversation). if it doesn't make sense for wendy to talk in the mysterious cadence that irene uses, don't make her talk like that at all. if wendy is supposed to talk that way as well, don't make her talk like people nowadays talk. pick one, and be consistent.
the last thing i want to mention is regarding word choice. word choice makes or breaks a story. there are certain words that you want to find in a certain type of story, and certain words that you don't want to find. for this story, you did very well for the most part, but i was frequently distracted from the story by a particular word that you used.
the most notable example i could find was the word 'poke'. i'm not sure why you chose the phrase 'poke around' as a set phrase, but it definitely detracted from the fluidity of the piece (which, btw, could have been very well-done). you also used passive voice a lot ('thing was done by wendy' instead of 'wendy did thing') which was very distracting. there are, of course, exceptions to every rule and sometimes passive voice makes a nice change in the normal cadence of the piece ("So vividly was her visage captured that she gasped" was a very beautiful line), but usually, try to avoid it. personal enjoyment [2/5] of course, i'm obliged to remind you that my personal enjoyment in no way devalues your piece. i think that this was an interesting concept, but there seemed to be too much in this story for only 8000 words. i also think i would have enjoyed it more if the execution had been better done. but what really struck me about this piece was your descriptions, which were beautifully done. TOTAL : 59/100
Note
if i came off harsh, i apologize. my opinions are my own, but you know your story best. remember to credit this shop in the foreword of your story.
if i came off harsh, i apologize. my opinions are my own, but you know your story best. remember to credit this shop in the foreword of your story.
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