— fellyciach
☀ sun & rain ☂ review shop ― thank you (closed).
fellyciach's Short Escape Reviewed by : Finally_Home title [5/5] i like it! it's short and simple but evokes a feeling of wanting to find out what 'escape' they're on. then, at the end of the story, we find out :DD description [7/10] i like how you used relevant quotes from a song to give the readers a sense of what's coming! but i think it would be slightly better if you put the title and artist of the song as well in case some readers (such as me lol) want to know what song it is. i also liked the mini character intros, but for some reason jungkook's picture doesn't show up for me :(( plot [27/30] i think this is a short enough story where the plot is good without making any major changes. i did take off a few points because there are some lines in there that i think real people might not say (i have never dated so take this with a grain of salt lol) and in the special chapter, i feel like the song lyrics took up a little too much space. but other than that, since it's a short story in the first place, i don't see any places where the plot needs changing!
okay i lied lol but i promise it's small!
i read the story more carefully and one thing that bothered me was that jungkook saw iu in the concert stadium immediately. this is in new york, right? i'm assuming that the stadium is HUGE lol he probably shouldn't see her immediately, especially if the lights are dim. also, i'm not sure performers are allowed to use their phones backstage even during vcr breaks because usually they're so busy changing their clothes and getting their makeup redone that they don't have time for anything else. characterization [27/30] well, there's probably no character growth here, so i looked more at whether the characters corresponded to their real-life counterparts (aka the real iu and jungkook) since this is a real-life AU. i found that while you definitely grasped their characters, there were times when i thought 'hm, would iu actually do/say this?'
of course, this might not be the best way to do it lol but i think it's all pretty minor details that got me. one thing that i did notice is that nowhere in either story does jungkook call iu 'noona'. (okay there was once but it was him telling her more than calling her that). granted, this is easily explained by the fact that they're dating and he calls her 'baby', but i think it'd be funny (and maybe slightly more realistic) if she jokingly told him to call her noona once or twice.
flow [17/25] while i really like the overall 'feel' of your story, the flow sort of threw me off at first. i think the major issue is that you describe a lot and use a lot of 'while doing this' phrases without using commas. for example:
'she blew her fringe already digging into her purse to find a hair tie' would be much clearer to me if it was written as 'she blew her fringe out of her eyes, digging into her purse to find a hair tie'
here's a link that you can check out for more information: purdue owl: punctuation patterns
while i liked the single-line dialogue that you have throughout the story, some of it felt disjointed because of either a lack of subsequent action or because there could have been more things said. i'll list an example here:
'babe, you are a potato.' he teased.
jungkook whined because she slapped his arms.
these two lines can be merged into one, like this:
'babe, you're a potato,' he teased, then whined and ducked as she slapped his arms.
oh, and another thing that i noticed was that you use periods to end dialogue. this is fine when you don't have anything after the part being said, but when it's like the above example ('babe you are a potato' line), you have the dialogue tag 'he teased' afterward, which means that you need to switch out the period for a comma.
here's a link that you can check out for more information: purdue owl: dialogue punctuation
lol okay so i think this is more of my personal opinion and experience with the phrase, but when you said 'there he went ape, pinching her cheeks [...]' i was really confused for a while. in my experience, 'going ape' means going crazy with anger, so i was confused as to why jungkook was suddenly angry. it might be better to use another word here, maybe simply 'he when crazy', but it's up to you of course.
personal enjoyment [5/5] i don't usually read bts fics and especially not iu x jungkook fics, but your story lowkey made me want to ship them! this was a very cute story and i enjoyed reviewing it :D thank you for requesting a review! oh, and you can set your story back to subs-only now. please remember to credit this shop in your foreword! if you fail to do so, you'll be blacklisted :( TOTAL : 83/100
okay i lied lol but i promise it's small!
i read the story more carefully and one thing that bothered me was that jungkook saw iu in the concert stadium immediately. this is in new york, right? i'm assuming that the stadium is HUGE lol he probably shouldn't see her immediately, especially if the lights are dim. also, i'm not sure performers are allowed to use their phones backstage even during vcr breaks because usually they're so busy changing their clothes and getting their makeup redone that they don't have time for anything else. characterization [27/30] well, there's probably no character growth here, so i looked more at whether the characters corresponded to their real-life counterparts (aka the real iu and jungkook) since this is a real-life AU. i found that while you definitely grasped their characters, there were times when i thought 'hm, would iu actually do/say this?'
of course, this might not be the best way to do it lol but i think it's all pretty minor details that got me. one thing that i did notice is that nowhere in either story does jungkook call iu 'noona'. (okay there was once but it was him telling her more than calling her that). granted, this is easily explained by the fact that they're dating and he calls her 'baby', but i think it'd be funny (and maybe slightly more realistic) if she jokingly told him to call her noona once or twice.
flow [17/25] while i really like the overall 'feel' of your story, the flow sort of threw me off at first. i think the major issue is that you describe a lot and use a lot of 'while doing this' phrases without using commas. for example:
'she blew her fringe already digging into her purse to find a hair tie' would be much clearer to me if it was written as 'she blew her fringe out of her eyes, digging into her purse to find a hair tie'
here's a link that you can check out for more information: purdue owl: punctuation patterns
while i liked the single-line dialogue that you have throughout the story, some of it felt disjointed because of either a lack of subsequent action or because there could have been more things said. i'll list an example here:
'babe, you are a potato.' he teased.
jungkook whined because she slapped his arms.
these two lines can be merged into one, like this:
'babe, you're a potato,' he teased, then whined and ducked as she slapped his arms.
oh, and another thing that i noticed was that you use periods to end dialogue. this is fine when you don't have anything after the part being said, but when it's like the above example ('babe you are a potato' line), you have the dialogue tag 'he teased' afterward, which means that you need to switch out the period for a comma.
here's a link that you can check out for more information: purdue owl: dialogue punctuation
lol okay so i think this is more of my personal opinion and experience with the phrase, but when you said 'there he went ape, pinching her cheeks [...]' i was really confused for a while. in my experience, 'going ape' means going crazy with anger, so i was confused as to why jungkook was suddenly angry. it might be better to use another word here, maybe simply 'he when crazy', but it's up to you of course.
personal enjoyment [5/5] i don't usually read bts fics and especially not iu x jungkook fics, but your story lowkey made me want to ship them! this was a very cute story and i enjoyed reviewing it :D thank you for requesting a review! oh, and you can set your story back to subs-only now. please remember to credit this shop in your foreword! if you fail to do so, you'll be blacklisted :( TOTAL : 83/100
Note
if i came off harsh, i apologize. my opinions are my own, but you know your story best. remember to credit this shop in the foreword of your story. i will be checking!
if i came off harsh, i apologize. my opinions are my own, but you know your story best. remember to credit this shop in the foreword of your story. i will be checking!
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