+++

 

 

“we just wanna have some fun!” 

 

chaewon thinks nothing of the new year. it feels nothing like a holiday. there is nothing new about the new year: she knows she will break empty promises, she'll get disappointed for breaking her promises and fall into a cycle of self-hatred. 

no new resolutions. 

but maybe, this year will be different. 

the weather is nice. cloudy, a little cold. she feels nice. maybe it's because of the song she blasts on the stereo. 

maybe because the start of a decade feels promising. 

yuri slams the door shut.

“hey.”

“hey. good morning.” promising. yuri's one over of her doesn't bring her spirits down. “where's minjoo?”

“oh, she left. i think it's a new year's resolution or something, like walking to class every day.

“no, she said something about leaving 2019 in the past and looking forward to the future—i don't know, you know how she gets sentimental outta nowhere…”

“oh.” 

chaewon turns the stereo down. 

 

leaving 2019 in the past?

 

//

 

what is beauty?

what is sorry, chaewon, but your music sounds soulless supposed to mean? chaewon didn't spend four years slaving away at college just to be told that her music sounds like , did she? how do you make a beautiful piece? what did beauty sound like? 

it really shouldn't be the most pressing thing on her mind now. she's supposed to be happy now. she's supposed to be turning a new leaf in her life. claps erupt in the audience when another student receives her diploma, chaewon looks down on her own. 

soulless?

then what was the point of this piece of paper? 

what was the point of her four year struggle? 

 

now what?

 

what was the point of it all?

 

“you're finally free!” yuri's hands press down on her shoulders, squeezing them just until she yelps in pain. chaewon frowns at their parents when yuri puts her in a headlock and sinks her fingernails into the girl's skin when they simply laugh at the sight in front of them. “how are you feeling?”

 

horrible. 

disappointed. 

unhappy. 

anything but okay.

 

“i feel alright, kinda sad now that i'm leaving college for good.”

leaving without the satisfaction of knowing she learnt something. that she has a point to prove. soulless. seems like she doesn't have anything to prove after all. 

they don't see through her half-hearted smile. 

 

after a few more pictures, yuri pretending not to shed tears and her dad reprimanding her because you have to be good to your little sister , chaewon spots minjoo in the corner of the auditorium, busy congratulating hyewon and yena. when they meet eyes, something about that pretty smile minjoo conjures so effortlessly puts her heart at peace. 

minjoo has always been pretty. the same pretty voice, saying her name in sweetness, pretty smile reaching pretty eyes when chaewon pulls her in for a hug.

it's been months since she had the opportunity to have kim minjoo's presence right in front of her, like this. with the stress from her exams, her professor criticizing her work without remorse and countless rejected job applications, there just wasn't enough time for chaewon to spend with anyone else but herself. 

but she can't help but wonder. 

was minjoo as busy as she was?

was that why her replies to each message were curt, short, un-minjoo-like in every way they could be? was that why minjoo couldn't spare a few hours for her (and yuri and hyewon) on the days she was free? it must be. minjoo isn't the kind of person to avoid people out of the blue, right?

 

chaewon chortles at the sight of the bouquet in minjoo's hands. how could she doubt minjoo at all, how can she doubt this girl whose eyebrows shoot up, wanting consolation, when she complains of the struggles she went through to get these flowers for her? 

“i had to wake up at seven, y'know! i even picked these out myself.”

with practised ease, chaewon smiles, her hand patting the back of minjoo's head. “thanks, min. i really appreciate it.”

 

she doesn't understand why the corners of minjoo's lips hesitate to tug upwards. something's not right. this isn't the look she expects to see in her eyes. 

“do you think i should introduce hyewon? she said she's ready and all but…” yuri tells her, she loses her focus on minjoo to shoot her an incredulous look. “i dunno, are you guys that serious already?”

minjoo isn't in front of her anymore. lost, somewhere in the sea of metal chairs and sobbing families. “i guess…”

 

Can we meet up once before you leave campus?

 

she frowns at the message. yuri’s huffs and puffs demand her attention and she exasperates.

“just go ask her.”

chaewon's eyes fail to find minjoo's. 

 

Okay?

 

lost, somewhere.

 

Sure.

 

-

 

at the start of college, kim minjoo used to despise coffee with a burning passion. she wonders when her taste changed. chaewon insists on paying because c'mon, i'm not gonna mooch off pretty girls like that and why would you treat me when i'm older than you, the order rolls of her tongue in ease. two americanos, extra cream, a little more sugar in minjoo’s. 

 

it's hard to discern the balance in minjoo's smile — to tell when the quirk of the lips upwards is genuine, when it isn't.

 

did you write your exams well? 

 

is it now?

 

yeah, but all my job interviews . the concern is real. the comfort. yet why does it seem like she holds back? focus hard this year, okay? don't let any hyewons distract you the way she distracts yuri. 

chaewon's coffee is sweeter than usual. maybe their orders got mixed up. 

 

“chaewon.”

it's real. 

is it really?

“i…

“i used to like you. like not as friends but… more than that.” 

 

was it real all the times she thought it was real? 

 

“...why are you telling me now?”

 

“i, i want closure—for, for myself, i mean. i hope… when i'm ready, i hope we can stay friends…”

was it simply an overestimation, believing minjoo’s smile was real only when she thought it was?

“do you still have… feelings for me?” is it all in her head? the meek nod and fiddling fingertips, are they but an illusion?

 

“oh.”

minjoo likes her. minjoo likes her? minjoo liked her.   

minjoo liked her?

since when?

not much is said. she doesn't mean to make it awkward, but it comes naturally as a consequence. what is chaewon supposed to make of that? what could minjoo expect her to say? thanks? but why me though? why didn't you just tell me earlier? and what difference would it make if she told her earlier? would anything change at all? 

 

it would be a year and a half before she sees minjoo again. maybe if she knew it'd take them that long to meet again, she wouldn't let this farewell end in a hesitant hug, a hesitant smile and the countless questions running through her mind. 

 

//

 

struggle is a sign of life. 

there is meaning in struggle. 

there must be some meaning in these platitudes. otherwise, there would be no point to her struggle. no point in anything she does. there must be some meaning, because somehow, she gets through the day. days. she reminds herself once again. 

struggle is a sign of life. 

what would a life full of struggles be, then? 

 

to have a good career, she'd have to live in seoul. not busan. not with her parents who'd provide her with a roof to sleep under, food to eat, luxury given unasked, luxury given because it's their responsibility. not in busan where the summers are hotter and winters are colder than the norm. in seoul. concrete jungle, cold hearts. 

oh, how to live in a city that has struggles in every corner you turn to. chaewon needs to get a good job, live in a single apartment, earn money and somehow everything else would work out.

good job. money. a solo life. 

everything else will work out. 

 

ever since she was a child, chaewon had the romantic fantasy of making an impact on the world by becoming an influential person. regardless of being in a positive or negative light, she would change the world somehow. the world would know who she is, somehow. as she grew older, the thought seemed more unrealistic: facing the harsh truth that she wasn't as remarkable as she thought herself to be, understanding that fame is born out of sheer luck more than anything else, knowing that no matter how famous she would be in the idealistic little world of her imagination, she would be forgotten one day; nothing lasts forever. 

life is never the daydreams she dreams in idle moments. life is harsh, life is the situations we are born into, the environment we grow up in. life is not a romantic fantasy.

her first job is quite a handful, quite nice for her parents to brag about to nosy relatives. my daughter works in JYPE, you know? 

wow, she must be really talented to be working there right after college…

of course. she's my daughter after all,

but they omit the part where she's just an intern running errands for the actual producers, acting as an assistant to the real music makers more than anything else. the pay is meagre. not enough to get her an apartment of her own. she succumbs to sharing a three bedroom apartment with three other people, a third of her salary taken away to pay for rent. seoul is an expensive city, running on billions of won and the dissatisfaction of its citizens. 

her roommates are eccentric. then again, they must think the same of her. a sixteen year old who ran away from home to ‘experience life like a normal person’. then, the twenty five year old aspiring actress with a sense of humour she simply can’t understand. a twenty year old japanese girl studying in korea for reasons chaewon never cared to ask about. 

they don't seem to be bad people. chaewon ends up getting a room of her own, (rock will always win, no matter what) as does nako (it's obvious the next choice will be paper. at least she's smart enough to play scissors instead). eunbi and wonyoung share a bunk bed and the thought of the nine year with their height difference amuses her when she sees them together. 

she wonders. do these misfits have struggles of their own? of course. why wouldn't they? everyone in the world is struggling, every point of their life sums up to an immense struggle. 

for what, salvation? chaewon does not have the answers. 

 

the first few months are always hard, to live in a new space with new personalities, to be shoved into a way of life completely different from her systematic college schedule. it's hard, because the beginning of anything is always hard—it must be a golden rule of life. the first step to anything is the hardest or whatever. 

there are disagreements in the apartment as expected. 

chaewon is not one to cause or be involved in conflict, but when a conflict emerges in the space around her, she can't help but want to resolve it somehow. it's annoying how people are full of pride and bull and aren't willing to hear the other person out.

it's just so much easier to accept things the way they are. 

chaewon is a laid-back person. she doesn't anger when wonyoung lashes out at her for leaving the dishes uncleaned one night, because she knows her anger doesn't stem from her actions. she's proven right a few days later when the girl comes seeking comfort in her, tears in her eyes, questioning herself, wondering if she took the right decision. 

she doesn't take it to heart when nako sulks because of her for a day and a half for forgetting her birthday. one promise of ice cream is all it takes to get nako to smile at her again. 

life should be hard because of situations, not people. it's hard at her job, because she's the newest intern there and she has to up to each and every person above her. days pass by in a haze. 

days pass by in quiet insecurity. 

she knows her music isn't good enough. she remains uncertain about how good it actually is. 

 

how do you measure art?

how can you discern what is good, what is not? does she want to maintain credibility as an artist or pump out bangers that'll be sold to a popular idol and relish in the royalties? 

does a piece need to sound beautiful to be good? does it need to have soul to be good? how much of her emotions should she pour into it for it to be a success and to have artistic integrity? 

 

no answers.

 

it is hard.

life is a struggle.

and at times, it feels like the only reason to get through today is the anticipation of finding a better reason tomorrow.

 

//

 

after the first few months, everything is a bit easier. autumn breezes are light on her heart, the sunlight is pleasant each morning and she makes sure to bask in it for ten minutes everyday. 

she isn't the newest employee at work anymore. 

no, now it's na goeun who has a pretty laugh to match her pretty face and chaewon makes sure not to make it as hard for her as she had it. it is kinda annoying to see her coworkers pick on her for no reason whatsoever but that's just the way things are: all she can offer in compensation is a gentle smile and softer words than the others. autumn is warm and cold, her life runs systematically now, an old tune plays on her lips as eunbi teeters in front of her with a grin on her face.

 

“chae, guess what!”

“what?”

“no, you have to guess.”

“hm.”

she cups her chin.

 

“did that barista finally text you?”

eunbi’s face falls when she reminds her of her failed attempts at flirting with the barista at the coffee shop across their apartment. “no, i'm pretty sure she didn't see it… i mean… i wouldn't look at customers' napkins if i were a barista either…”

“then? what happened?”

“i got casted in a drama!”

“...oh, that's great!”

“it's a minor role on a jtbc show… i don't know, i just feel so excited that i'm finally going to be on the silver screen, y'know? i'm so happy,”

she smiles when eunbi pinches her cheek. it's embarrassing to say it out loud, so chaewon hopes her smile conveys wow, i'm really really happy for you. how long must she have waited, how much has she endured for this minor role on a jtbc show. she's been pursuing a career as an actor for almost eight years. eight. the magnitude of her passion is something chaewon can't even imagine. how much patience must she have to get through eight years with little progress in her career, a career she wanted because she simply loved doing it? she loved acting. the meaning to her struggle is art, is it not? 

is it? 

could one love art that much? 

 

eunbi is a sentimental person. she feels the seasons for what they are, if they are anything in the first place. she embraces rainy days with a pensive mood. sunny days she's cheerful. autumn days are spent in silent contemplation of thoughts chaewon cannot begin to guess. 

it's reminiscent of something, someone. ten minutes of winter seep in to be forgotten the next moment. 

the weather is pleasant these days, so eunbi seems to be in a good mood. chaewon is not that sentimental of a person. even the nice weather can't stop her frustration. she drags her fingers across the keyboard of her laptop, her thoughts reflected in the gibberish on the screen. it still sounds the same, soulless. “you should take things easy, chaewon.”

even her voice is level, like the brown of autumn. “huh?” she looks at her, confused. the unevenness of a melody runs through her mind, eunbi smiles slightly, face relaxed, bringing a hand to her tense shoulders. “take it easy.”

her chuckle doesn't match the furrow of her brows. there's a mellow to her voice when she says i am, though? and eunbi chortles. 

 

are you?

 

just take it easy, chae. don't stress out too much. everything gets better with time anyway, so you don't have to worry. 

she plays it off, nodding. an easygoing smile. 

 

-

 

“drink up, c'mon, the night isn't getting any younger!” she meets eyes with a colleague who’s too faced to notice chaewon's awkward hesitance. the colleague joins in with her boss, urging her to down another shot and before more people join in to put her in the spotlight, she swallows down harshly, a bitter taste spreading in . 

they cheer for her and move on to picking on the couple of the night — both producers, they were getting married and decided to throw a party for the entire team in celebration. of course, chaewon is not one to turn down free drinks and it would help to build a sense of camaraderie. watching red, flushed faces instead of the serious ones she sees at work is refreshing. the drunken mumbling instead of commanding tones amuses her for a while. 

she can hold her alcohol pretty well, so she downs another glass of soju and joins in on the laughter from the group after teasing the groom. 

“and they were dating all this time, right under our noses! i wonder if anyone else is in a secret relationship here, hm? maybe kang soobin and kim leehyuk? he panics all the time around her! and he gives her googly eyes when she's not looking, it's so..!”

“what about kim chaewon? no one would let a pretty girl like her remain single for sure…” 

“park hwayoung had a crush on her when she first joined!” someone shouts and chaewon shakes her head, ears coloured red from the sudden attention. park hwayoung's eyes widen at the statement and he covers the someone's mouth with a firm hand. another bout of laughter. “don't tell me you're in a secret relationship too, kim chaewon! about five hearts would break if you said that now,” her boss chuckles to himself. “no mr. lee, i'm not…”

 

almost everyone gets properly wasted in the next few hours and thank god that her tolerance is better compared to her colleagues. she'll never have to embarrass herself in front of them because wow, they're all such dead-weights. as she waits for her cab to come in front of the bar, there's a hot hand feebly grasping her shoulder. “woah, goeun, are you okay?” 

the woman stumbles into her embrace in a clumsy move, her weight on chaewon's front as she struggles to support herself upright. “you're so nice, chaewon-ssi, why are you so nice?”

teary eyes stare into hers. she blinks in confusion. “you even smell so nice, so kind…”

“a pretty face, a good personality, pleasant voice, maybe that's why…”

the woman bites her lips and holds back tears, her grip at the base of chaewon's shirt tightens. wait, why is she crying? she isn't that good at comforting people so all she does is pat her back in a rhythm, uttering don't cry, why are you crying? in a slightly panicked tone. 

“i like chaewon-ssi so much. i want to date her…”

 

-

 

autumn turns into winter soon enough. winter mornings are spent smiling at her girlfriend as they clock into work and holding hands when no one is looking. there is no need for them to be discreet about their relationship but it feels wrong to openly flex the fact that they're dating on everyone else at work. goeun kisses her everyday right before they leave as the sun sets and she heads home with a smile after that. 

it's not that she wants to hide her girlfriend from the world, it's just that she never has the opportunity to tell anyone about her. she can't mention it at work. none of her roommates really care, if they spend time together they end up going to goeun's — single — apartment instead. 

she won't tell her family unless they've been dating for a solid four months at least and it's only been a month so far. and now that she thinks of it, she hasn't really made any friends in seoul… 

if the time comes, she'll definitely make it known she has a girlfriend. 

now, well, now she just comes home after cuddles and watching a movie at her apartment with the aftertaste of mint chocolate in . it's pretty late. she doesn't expect for anyone to be awake, so she tries to shuffle quietly into her room. 

nako is on the couch. she speaks in a comforting tone but chaewon can't understand japanese so she doesn't know what the girl is saying. 

then she exclaims a familiar name and switches to korean. 

wait, she doesn't mean to eavesdrop but this all sounds way too familiar to be a mere coincidence. then, probably 'cause the signal is weak in their apartment, she calls out this name three times. minjoo? does nako know minjoo? kim minjoo?

“nako,”

“hm?”

“do you know… was that minjoo? SNU, business major? kim minjoo?”

“yeah, how did you know? do you know her?” 

“i went to the same college, you know yuri, right? i'm her sister,”

“oh,” nako rubs her eyes, chaewon thinks sleep is settling in until she looks at her in disbelief. “yuri's sister… you're yuri's sister?”

a nod. nako's surprise disappears. “why, did minjoo say anything about me?” the cheeky smile on her face doesn't match nako's. “yeah, she mentioned you once or twice,” and she chuckles. “how do you know minjoo? is she doing well? or is she stressed out and drinking again?"

“we grew up together, we're practically family… oh, and she is stressed, this being her last year and all, y'know… someone just needs to remind her it'll be alright.”

 

it feels nice to think about it. college and all. it's a warm night. something about dwelling on the past feels nice. 

 

-

 

“you're finally free!”

chaewon exclaims when yuri finally comes over to her, bashful as black robes sway and the graduate cap almost slips off her head. she hits her shoulder with a limp wrist. yuri is always shy and embarrassed in these kinds of situations. she laughs when the girl hugs her and buries her face in the crook of her neck, ears red and mumbling shut up. 

their parents couldn't make it because they were too busy involving themselves in their cousin's wedding plans and she had to drive all the way from busan to here. the four and half hour long drive wasn't exactly pleasant but at least yuri'd keep her company on the way back. “you feeling good?”

“yeah.” 

“um, hye said congratulations…” she rolls her eyes. “did she now?” it wasn't a good break-up, so it seems. ah, no. not a break-up. they're taking a break or something? that's what hyewon told her. she doesn't know all the details but it seems like they're going through a rough patch. “let's not… whatever. how's your job going? did you meet jyp yet? or—” 

“what? no, don't be stupid.”

 

chaewon's eyes scour the crowd.

“where's minjoo?” 

“oh. she left.”

“so soon?” 

she scoffs. “you're like an hour late.”

“oh.” 

 

“i guess she left the dorm early too.”

yuri heaves and slams the trunk shut. “she has a friend living in seoul, she picked her up and i think she'll stay with her for a while.” 

 

life is a divine game. oh, how ridiculous this is. she can't tell if the universe is doing this on purpose or if it's just, it's just like that. is it really cosmic intervention stopping her from seeing kim minjoo? kim minjoo is staying in her very apartment and she won't get a glimpse of her pretty face. no, it's plain ridiculous. she laughs to herself at the end of yuri's sentence, not minding the strange look she gives her. “what?”

 

“nothing, it's just… nothing.”

 

//

 

struggle is a sign of life, but no life can be full of struggles. no. there are countless experiences to experience in life, there are countless moments, even if they are forgotten by the fragile human mind. they exist, they existed, and will continue to exist no matter what. life is not something to be described with ‘is’, it's too vast, too broad. too many answers, and no way to know which one is right. 

regardless.

one year and a half. she quit her job at JYPE to work as an actual composer in a relatively smaller company. goeun was sad that they wouldn't get to see each other every day now but at least she was doing what she actually wanted. things do not get better by each day, but rather after days pass by in a blink. her compositions feel a bit more grounded. real. like it's something that is kim chaewon's and kim chaewon's only. all these notes, the emotions behind each beat of the track, all of them belong to her. 

wonyoung moved out about three months ago, promising her to repay all the compassion chaewon gave when she was struggling. she said there was no need to repay her for anything but wonyoung is stubborn and it is not easy to change a seventeen year old's mind. eunbi got casted in a few more roles and with the extra money, she expected the woman to move out but she didn't. not yet, at least. nako plans on doing a master's degree in korea and it took one year and a half, from her graduation to now to grasp where exactly her life is going. 

 

chaewon meets goeun's friends in a nightclub that they frequent at, and she's pretty sure she passes the friend check. like, chaewon is a pretty girl, has a charming smile, knows what to say, when to say it and who to say it to, so it's not a surprise. they like her. that's good. she can't believe it took them what, six months? to meet but sometimes things just don't work out. of course, she has to introduce goeun to her own friends someday since they've been pestering her about it ever since she told them but it's hard for all of them to meet up. 

the music resounds in her ears and she winces when her temples throb with the beat. 

 

it is then.

this was just a whimsical meet-up plan, goeun only told her about it yesterday. she didn't even put much thought to it. it's whimsical. not planned out. almost impulsive. but somehow, it adds up to this moment when she spots kim minjoo at the far end of the counter. it is then that she catches a glimpse after a year and a half. minjoo isn't one to use social media, and she changed her number after college. 

“babe, i'll be back in a moment, okay?” goeun nods, she's slightly buzzed from the alcohol and chaewon presses a kiss to the side of goeun's head before approaching her. 

 

“long time no see, minjoo.”

she sees the woman's eyes widen in surprise at the sudden voice and she steps forward so she's right beside minjoo. minjoo brings a hand to her chest to calm herself down. surprise etched onto her face. “chaewon..!”

“hey.” she breathes a laugh. 

“hey, hi! yeah, long time no see…”

“you're here alone?”

“no, it's, my co-workers wanted to do a little thing together, since it's the weekend and all, i'm just waiting for someone i like to show up,

“what about you?”

“oh, i'm here with my,” she stretches her neck to catch sight of goeun before meeting minjoo's gaze. “girlfriend.”

“oh, that's nice.”

she doesn't know if it's ethically and morally correct to think this or not, but beauty is beauty, no matter what. minjoo looks even prettier than before. her features more defined, sharp, if that was even possible. no dimples greet her the way they used to, but of course. it's been so long. she can't be that greedy. “hey, i didn't get to congratulate you on graduation day,”

so she sticks a hand out formally and minjoo laughs. “you were late, to be fair. yuri kept complaining about it.” and minjoo shakes her hand with a lax grip. maybe she would speak a little more if it weren't for minjoo's friend intervening, stopping their conversation in the middle. the middle of what? she doesn't know. it felt like it could go a little further than that, though. 

she wants to keep in contact but it isn't appropriate to ask for another girl's number with her girlfriend and her friends right in the vicinity, so she doesn't. 

 

(“my sister's…

“my friend, we went to college together.”)

 

//

 

lovesick.

some things are not meant to be. 

chaewon has had her heart broken five times in her entire life. each time, it hurts the same way it hurts. she doubts where exactly it went wrong. 

why does it always fizzle out? 

are some things really not meant to be? is her soulmate out there waiting for her love? do some people just not match with each other? 

whatever it is. no answer would help this dull feeling in her chest. 

she hates the sorry, it's just not working out anymore break-ups the most. they're like an excuse of a break-up. the easy way out. it's not fair. goeun started and ended their relationship at her own will. because sorry chae, it's just not working out anymore. how ing stupid. and chaewon thought she had a chance at something real. 

maybe we're just not meant to be. 

 

“what does that even mean? meant to be for what? what?! who the is deciding who's meant to be and who's not? am i that boring, hye? i'm not, right? i thought we went well together, i don't get why she broke up with me…” 

“let it go, chae. if you're broken up you're broken up, you can't do anything about it. maybe she was just tired of being in a relationship or something… does it even matter anymore? i'm sure you'll find someone better for you.”

“yeah, i didn't like her anyways,” yena butts in, “something about her vibes was off.” 

chaeyeon shoots yena a look of disgust before grabbing the glass from her hand and stashing it away. “c'mon, how long will you mope over her. it's been two weeks, get a grip already.”

“yeah, but how do i forget seven months together in two weeks,”

“we came here to have fun, not see you cry over a girl who doesn't deserve you, chaewon! now stop drinking and let's go have some fun!”

they already had all the fun they could have like two or three years ago. god knows why yena thought coming to taiwan again would be a good idea. because nostalgia feels good and we don't have to stress out over assignments and exams now! right. now they only have to stress out over their jobs and their lives. no big deal. 

 

chaewon doesn't know, but she has broken exactly six hearts in her entire life. two exes and four because of unrequited love. the thing is — and the only thing that matters, really — is if she broke kim minjoo’s heart.

she seldom thinks of the confession because she doesn't know what to feel when she thinks of it. she can't believe it, to be honest. sure, chaewon knows she's pretty and charming and blah, but minjoo seems a bit out of her league. why would she like someone like kim chaewon? 

she thinks of minjoo, because nostalgia feels good. if she thought about her before, it'd be microcheating, maybe. but she can think of her now.

what would she do if minjoo told her earlier?

how long did minjoo like her? since when? why did she not even give chaewon the chance to think about it? and if she thought about it, would things be different? 

did she ever like minjoo, unconsciously? 

 

why didn't she just tell her instead of suffering all by herself?

 

-

 

she may be good at drinking, but chaewon cannot get through hangovers without a bottle full of water and two pills in her system. it's sunny today. the sunlight is a good excuse for her to wear her sunglasses and hide away her puffy eyes. as compensation for ruining the mood last night she just lets her friends drag her to all the places they planned on seeing today. 

they probably chose the worst places, though. all of them are single so what's the point in going to a love lock bridge to wish for something? as far as she knows, only couples come here. are they forcing her to get over goeun by staring at all these lovebirds do love activities? 

yena is taking a picture of chaeyeon and hyewon making a heart with their hands. her headache makes a sudden appearance. the sunlight is in her eyes and even with the shades on, it hurts. 

 

some things are meant to be. 

maybe the universe does actually have a plan in store for her. who knows. 

 

she turns away sharply from the gag worthy sight when yena is kissing hyewon on the cheek (why is she so much more affectionate these days) and stops a woman in her tracks. she utters an apology to the woman that stares at her with a blank face.

of course. 

 

“chaewon?”

“...”

she pulls her mask down, takes her glasses off. this is… 

absurd. 

“...hi.”

minjoo must work here. in her business slacks. laptop bag on her shoulder. hair in a low ponytail. 

a slight smile rising at the corner of her lips. does she think it's ridiculous too? 

“are you doing some sightseeing?”  ”oh, yup! we're having a blast, as you can see.” minjoo laughs at her lack of enthusiasm. “uh, do you work here or..?”

“yeah, i'm here for an on-site project.”

“cool, cool. is your office around here? and wait. first, give me your number.”

“..sorry?”

“i want to keep in contact with you but i have literally no way to, min.”

minjoo pauses for a moment. “...you could've just asked yuri,” and chaewon chuckles. 

but i wouldn't know if you'd be okay with me messaging you out of the blue then. 

“ah, no, my office isn't—, i'm here for my girlfriend.”

chaewon nods.  

irrational. 

ridiculous.

amusing.

“did you guys meet here?”

“yeah, she works as a teacher here.”

she hums, smiling. “she's so lucky to—”

“—chae, oh my god!

“what are you even doing, why aren’t you having fun?”

yena's voice grows in intensity as she approaches her and hangs an arm around her neck before she notices minjoo. 

 

“who—wait, it's kim minjoo!” 

they catch up (i.e., her friends bombard her with questions) until minjoo's girlfriend comes to whisk her away.

 

-

 

the next time they catch up is when minjoo is crying her heart out at the expense of nako’s shoulder in their apartment. on the couch she paid (okay, chipped in) for. it’s not every day that she comes home to a sobbing woman going through their tissue supply, and it’s certainly not every day that kim minjoo is in her apartment. 

kim minjoo who’s supposed to be in taiwan. with her girlfriend. like she was three months ago. will she pop out of the shadows to whisk her away again? chaewon doesn’t know. and she hopes not because, well. just because. not everything needs to have a reason. some things are just the way they are.

some, a very minute fraction, but some things are meant to be. nako raises a brow when she approaches but chaewon ignores it. “minjoo?”

“...”

“are you okay?”

turns out she’s not. chaewon finds out that minjoo’s girlf— ex -girlfriend had broken up with her right before she was boarding her flight a few hours ago. the ‘long distance’ thing wasn’t working. minjoo couldn’t choose between her ex and her career, ergo. kim minjoo is in her apartment sobbing her heart out over someone that is not her and she’s glad. because kim minjoo is in her apartment, of course, not because she’s sobbing over someone irrelevant. 

did minjoo ever sob over her? surely not, right? it was probably just a glorified crush. nothing more. 

and if it was something more?

and if it was? 

it’s decided that minjoo would stay at their apartment for the rest of the day. nako tells her it’s better to cry in the presence of others than cry alone and minjoo agrees with reluctance. it feels nice to have four people in the house again. just a bonus that it’s kim minjoo. her prettier pretty smile reaches those pretty eyes, and it feels so normal again. 

it feels like it’s been centuries since she saw it. it feels like she’s seen it a thousand times. how many of those times her heart gleamed in warmth she doesn’t know, but this time… she feels it. the slightest burn in her chest, of a wick. it feels like it’s always been there. 

she’s always been there. even when she was too blind to notice. the flames; minjoo.

“so how do you two know each other?”

eunbi nudges her shoulder as she remains motionless on the couch. she groans as she rises, feeling the woman’s weight settle beside her. “we met in college. my sister used to hang out with her all the time…”

“did you date her or something?” it’s not as amusing as she’d usually find it. chaewon looks at eunbi with contempt in her eyes, and the woman shrugs it off. “what? it looks like there’s some unresolved tension there.”

what does kim chaewon think of kim minjoo? it seems like an obvious question with an obvious answer, but the more she thinks of it, the whiter her head goes. what was it, for all those years? is minjoo just her sister’s friend? just her friend? some girl who used to crush on her without her even knowing? if not, then who is she to kim chaewon?

“really?”

“yeah, it felt like that.”

it blends into the white. minjoo’s smile, the one she would see almost every morning. indents of her cheek. the hesitant touches, turned away gazes. maybe it was something. some things are meant to be.

“...i suppose so.”

it was something. eunbi suggests for some psychotic reason that she should be by minjoo’s side throughout the night to see if her music would ease her heart from heartbreak and before she addresses the irritation rising to her brow, she notices the tenor in minjoo’s laugh, the amusement clouding her voice. even the exhale that leaves her shoulders heavier and the uneasy bite of her lips. it was something, it was.

 

-

 

minjoo’s apartment is about a twenty-five-minute walk away from hers. it would take fifteen minutes by the subway, twenty by the bus, maybe sixteen by a two-wheeler, and not more than ten minutes by a car. she knows, because it’s extremely hard to get hold of businesswoman minjoo, so if she wants to spend time with her, she has to plan accordingly.

chaewon wants to see minjoo because she wants to “catch up”. minjoo doesn’t question it despite them having seen each other about a month ago, thankfully. a month chaewon spent thinking what exactly minjoo was, is and will be to her. she can’t tell you what it exactly was, but she knows what it will be. 

for the present, well, she needs to get to the woman’s apartment on time. her car is in busan so the subway it is.

it will be something lovely.

she ends up meeting minjoo at the quaint little cafe beside her apartment. she just got off work, so her hair stays in a makeshift bun, the employee ID card contrasting the endless white of her shirt, tucked swiftly into black slacks. they talk and talk, minjoo’s job and chaewon’s, seoul is hell to live in, winters are colder, summers are warmer. everything and whatnot.

“is it the same?”

“what do you mean?”

“how you like your americano. extra cream, five spoons of sugar…”

she laughs. maybe her cheeks colour the slightest pink, but it’s mostly chaewon’s imagination. “it is. i can’t believe you remember that.”

“is it that surprising?”

“...um, well, i wouldn’t expect—”

“—i don’t know, min. but it seems like there’s a lot of things i remember about you, even if i’m not trying to.”

it’s not her imagination. minjoo looks shocked more than anything else, but she eases it off with a smile. “sounds like you’re suffering from good memory, then.”

amusement. chaewon chuckles. “i guess you could say that.”

“what about you? is it the same?”

“no, i like it sweeter now. five spoons. it’s much better that way.”

“see? and you’d call me childish for liking it so sweet,”

“what can i say, things are better when they’re sweet.”

unfortunately for minjoo, chaewon is determined. to make her lovely reality come true. regardless of all the times her ears turn red and surprise startles her heart. “are you seeing anyone at the moment?”

“...what?”

“are you seeing anyone?”

“...uh, no, i’m not.”

“cool.”

“why... is that cool?”

chaewon doesn’t answer. once her finger does a complete circle over the top of her cup, she grins at minjoo. “i wish you gave me a chance.

“i wish you hadn't left the cafe two years ago, y’know? maybe if you were right in front of me, my senses would’ve kicked in.”

my mind was like smoke back then. i didn’t even have the capacity to think about what you said. it was quite the struggle, y’know. i wish i’d known back then. and now i have to do it the hard way.

“chaewon, what are you talking about?”

minjoo is right in front of her. it’ll be different this time. 

“i think i like you more than i thought i did, minjoo. so, it’s cool.”

so, give me a chance, just this once.

 

-

 

so comes a change. minjoo is furiously furious at her for telling her that. what was the point of all my heartache, then. i’m sorry, but i’m already over you. 

hearing that hurts chaewon more than she expected, but whatever. of course. we all have to move on sometime, right? the slight twinge of her heart is nothing new.

but that stirs something in minjoo’s heart again. kim chaewon and her pleading’s ease. it’s a chance she neither denies nor gives, but something chaewon should seize. 

can i try then, can i try to make you mine? she waits for answers that never come. what is the glint in minjoo’s eyes, was it an illusion, or was that a smile?

it was, it is, minjoo cannot say, her words can only amount to sighs. a look at chaewon’s face reminds her of that grin. she’s fighting a losing fight.

defeat crushes chaewon’s heart for a split second. will this remain one of the stupidest, most embarrassing things she’s ever done? minjoo is endlessly silent, the sound of it overpowering her mind.

there’s no elevator in my apartment, minjoo says in passing as she stands to leave. their eyes never meet, and chaewon starts to seethe. why did i even think this would work.

there’s no elevator and my floor is the sixth floor, so you should probably get used to it. starting now. minjoo is half out the door when it registers in her mind. really, truly, she thinks, when minjoo shakes her head as she tries to hide the smile, heart racing when they’re on the third floor, legs aching from excitement, this time, truly. it’s going to be so — .

 

//

 

Tell me what you think of this

lovely_11_13.mp3

21: 52

 

Hmm

It sounds nice but like it needs something extra like 

A little

X factor…? to it

22: 17 

 

Ikr

But idk what's missing

>>>>:(

22: 18

 

I think you need to bring it together better? Idk

Does that make sense

Like it needs to sound complete

22:18

 

It should… tie together better

22: 19

 

Yup it makes sense

22:19

 

I think I can experiment a lil

Lemme see what I can do 

22: 21

 

But later

Let's go to the new ramen place in gangnam

22: 23

 

Now?

22: 23

 

Yes now

Are you working overtime again or what

22: 24

 

Nope

Hmmm I'm at the company tho

Will you pick me up?

22: 25

 

Sure

Let's ride the city bus tho

Wait at the station

22: 25

 

Oki oki~~~~

22: 26

 

chaewon feels cold air on her cheeks. she pulls her padded jacket over her shoulders and exhales, there's an itch in and it's been bothering her since the morning. what's the point of air-conditioned buses in winter too, it's like they want citizens to get sick on purpose. 

she pulls her hoodie up to block the cold air from her ears. she fights the urge to chatter her teeth. december truly is the worst month of the year. 

 

at the station, a ball of cotton awaits her with red ears peeking out. she gets off the bus and watches her hug herself tighter when the bus leaves with a gust of wind behind it. minjoo's arms are crossed across her lap, hands under her thighs, moving further downwards till her forehead touches her knees and it doesn't look comfortable at all. 

the red ears peeking out are cute. chaewon stops with a sense of finality in front of her. poking the top of her head. red face, red nose, chapped lips. minjoo looks up to her with a frown on her face, she ushers her to stand so they don't miss the bus to gangnam. “it's so cold…”

“hmm.”

“and they didn't even bother warming up the office a little, you know? i kept my coat on the whole day, i had to keep moving around to…”

chaewon stares at the window as minjoo continues to list out all of her troubles throughout the day. she's tired, so she closes her eyes. she can't see the expressions pass by on minjoo's face, but she hears them because minjoo's intonation is all over the place. she chuckles to herself, quietly. god, her pout even seeps into her voice. she's so cute. 

“minjoo… you talk so much…”

she cracks an eye open to see minjoo stop mid-sentence, blinking before her hmph. she can't help but laugh out loud at her reaction. teasing minjoo must be the funnest thing in the world to do. “i'm kidding, kidding. tell me. what happened after hyunjin messed the presentation up.”

it takes a little more coercion until she starts with a reluctant tone. 

 

“well, what about you? what'd you do today?”

 

it's warm inside the shop, so they don't have to be draped in coats the entire night. “i'm kinda craving cheeseballs, to be honest…”

chaewon glares. “i’m joking~” minjoo hits her shoulder when she rolls her eyes.

“hey, yuri told me she's planning to propose soon,”

“wow, really?”

“yeah.”

“it's weird for my sister to get married before me though…” minjoo laughs, her eyes remain on the food and chaewon can't tell. she can't. 

“you better find someone fast, then.” 

their eyes meet for a brief moment. she smiles to herself. 

green lights, white lies. 

there's no telling what illusion is true. 

“i don't think anyone's gonna fall for me that soon.”

“if you try hard enough anyone will,”

have you?

 

“this is good, right? it's better than the place near my apartment, no?”

“yeah, with this price, it has to be…

“but that has more of a homely vibe, y'know. it feels like my mom's cooking there,”

“mhm. are you sure it's not you just holding a busan sentiment or something?”

“hey, it's not like that…”

minjoo pauses for a moment to think. “but it's nice when we go there. your dialect is cute.”

“really?”

minjoo doesn't respond. her body feels hotter from having a meal. warm air on her cheeks, she just stares at minjoo. familiar feelings fill her chest. what is this, an iron deficiency? she starts seeing stars under dim orange lights. “why is it eleven thirteen?”

“huh?”

“your track. lovely eleven thirteen. why those numbers?”

“oh,”

minjoo raises her brows at the sinister smile on her face. 

you don't even know. 

“it's a secret.”

a scoff. “you're no fun.”

“it's no fun if i tell you what it means.”

 

“whatever. it was nice, though. pleasant to the ears.”

“did you like it?”

“isn't that what i just said?”

“did you or did you not?”

“...well yeah, of course i did. i like it.”

“good.”

“hmm?”

 

no answers. 

chaewon just smiles. 

 

it's almost midnight when they leave.

seoul is the best at this time. 

 

“hey, minjoo…

“let's go get some cheeseballs.”

exasperation. “i was just joking then, chae.”

“well, i'm craving them now. for real.”

“how can you still have an appetite after all that,”

“i worked hard today, i wanna reward myself.”

“fine.

“you're paying, though.”

chaewon chuckles, “alright.”

 

//

 

beauty is, this.

beauty is, that. 

 

beauty is aesthetic (…?)

 

beauty is beyond what we can see

 

beauty is 

subjective?

superficial?

objective?

 

art is beautiful but beauty is not an art. 

 

life is suffering find salvation find yourself beneath all this bull

oh gosh, no one gives a

and of no one

Kim Chaewon gives the least of s

anyone could ever give. 

because now, Kim Chaewon will speak from the heart

these heart words do not care

about any meaning in life or its suffering or all these questions of what is right and what is wrong

these heart words are indifferent to the universe regardless of whether it has meaning or not regardless if karma truly exists or not regardless of any rules and regulations she needs to follow to lead a good life no this heart's words do not give a

 

heart words are ridiculous irrational preposterous amusing etc.

 

so now, Kim Chaewon will speak from the heart

please tune in.

 

Beauty is Kim Minjoo

Of all things red and all things blue

Kim Minjoo is white and so pure

Kim Minjoo gives beauty to beauty itself

And even in this meaningful/meaningless life, that will always remain true.

 

She doesn't know how long she's liked Kim Minjoo

How long this fire inside burns

And everyone knows, everyone can see

Kim Chaewon just thinks she's so lovely

And Kim Minjoo doesn't even,

 

You don't even know.

I think you're so lovely

You are beauty

B is 2

E is 5 

A is 1

And all the other things

Yet I won't tell you what it is

11,

13;

 

You are so lovely

I'll tell you someday

You are so lovely, I will say

But for that,

I think

You and I

We still have to go quite the long way.

 

//

 

“why are you so bad at this? don't you have a license?”

chaewon hits the brakes abruptly, taking a moment to frown at minjoo. “driving a two-wheeler and a four-wheeler is different, okay… at least i have a license. i bet you can't even tell the difference between the accelerator and the brakes.”

“whatever. i don't need to learn how to drive.”

“what? why?”

“i'll make sure i marry someone who can drive and i'll have them drive me around wherever i need to be.”

“oh…” it stings. minjoo knows and the knowing grin pisses chaewon off, but whatever. they know the rules, when to cross the line. “well, good luck finding someone who agrees to that, parasite.”

 

what is between kim chaewon and kim minjoo? neither of them knows. chaewon tries and tries, and minjoo weathers like an igneous rock, taking forever and ever. what is their relationship? neither of them knows. but chaewon can see it, you know, the cracks on the surface. waiting to see the sunrise, sweetness and warmth. 

where exactly are they going? actually, they aren't going anywhere. chaewon bought a scooter so she doesn't have to take the cabs and seoul buses around every time she has to go out. like, living here forces her standard of living to go up. her parents refuse to let her take her car away and it’s detrimental. she wanted to practice driving a little so minjoo is there to keep her company and chaewon tries her best to drive safely in this neighborhood right next to her apartment. “chae, didn't you learn how to ride a bicycle? you can't maintain your—”

minjoo's hands squeeze her shoulders until they hurt because the handle starts wobbling out of her control. ”—balance, you really need to learn how to keep your balance.”

“d'you know how to bicycle?”

“yup.”

“wanna give it a shot?”

 

chaewon tries her best to keep skinship to a minimum as she explains the mechanisms of driving to minjoo, who hasn’t driven a motor vehicle from the day she was born. she can amuse the thought of back hugging minjoo, letting her arms drape over hers, whispering in her ears on how to control the handle,

“are you okay?”

“yea—yeah, so do you get it?”

Later. she can think about that later.

for now, they have to stand awkwardly in the middle of the street with the scooter between them. chaewon's hands make a motion of twisting the handle for emphasis until minjoo swats them away and takes a seat. chaewon follows suit. 

 

it doesn't seem like a good idea at first because minjoo keeps starting and stopping and she is not going to let this woman ruin her brand new scooter but it gets better after a while. “you're pretty good.”

“yeah, i know, right? i should buy one of these for myself,”

“what about your spouse plan?”

“i'll consider changing it.”

 

“minjoo.”

“hm.”

“can i hug you?”

“why?”

“...”

“...”

“...because i'm scared for my life,”

“but you just said i'm good at this.”

“...

“...then i just want to hug you.”

“oh.”

“oh?”

“you can.”

“really?”

“yes.”

some things are meant to be. her arms are around minjoo's waist and she has to bend down a little to rest her chin on minjoo's shoulder. “you're shorter than me when we're sitting.”

“well, i’m taller when we’re standing and that’s all that counts, right?”

“no, it’s not...”

they make a circle around the neighborhood before reaching where they started again. minjoo doesn't stop, however, this time taking a left and driving down an alley to the next neighborhood. chaewon’s arms are stubborn, for each turn, her touch seems softer. her grip seems tighter. she can’t tell, she can’t tell.

 

“you know, the moon looks beautiful tonight.”

her accent is thick and minjoo huffs a laugh. she’s always pretty when she laughs, but this up close, it’s something different. “it's eleven in the morning… and do you even know what that means…?”

“of course i do! it's an idiom.”

“how?”

“it means that even as the sun outshines the moon throughout the day, the moon’s beauty still remains.”

“where did you read that?”

“i made it up for myself.”

the woman scoffs, turning for a moment to meet her gaze. not a good idea. if she stared any longer they’d get into an accident. it would be unfortunate to die before they even started dating, right.

“what's the fun if you make up your own meaning like that?”

“but that's the fun thing about it...”

 

minjoo presses for an explanation but chaewon stays silent. making up your own meaning? what sense does that make? it’s—

 

“you look beautiful today, minjoo. you're outshining the sun too. how are you doing that so effortlessly?”

deceleration. red ears. sunlight on pale skin. “i don't think i should drive anymore.” chaewon grins. “why, are you losing control?”

she doesn't expect any answers. 

chaewon practices for about an hour more. minjoo doesn't ask if she can hug her but she does, anyway. 

 

“the moon is beautiful, isn't it?”

“what?”

“the moon is beautiful, right? that's the correct phrase. it sounds like... i like you in japanese, so people say it to indirectly confess their feelings.”

“oh?”

“yeah.”

“on naver it said it meant... i love you, though.”

“really?”

chaewon nods.

“so you know what it means.” and chaewon nods again. it rushes through her memory, a cold, december/january night. “i didn’t know back then, though. if only i did.”

“...you remember?”

“there’s a lot of things i remember about you without even trying, min.”

chaewon parks her scooter next to all the motorcycles in the parking lot and asks if minjoo wants to come up. of course, it's been forever since i've seen nako. but they stay there for a while. in the parking lot. twelve p.m on a public holiday, so there's barely anyone outside. 

 

“can i kiss you?”

it’s sudden. it’s so kim chaewon. it makes her feel like a college student all over again, but the curl of chaewon’s lips, the little scar, the slight hesitance in her brow—they force her to be present. the sound of her heart echoes in the quiet space. 

“...why?”

so, chaewon frowns. “why, don't you want to kiss me?”

“...”

“well?”

“i do, but…”

her frown deepens. “what…”

“last time i kissed someone before we made things official and it went horrible. i don't want that to happen with you.”

the frown disappears at the sight of genuine worry on minjoo’s face. she laughs and minjoo doesn't look pleased with her laughter. “i'll drive you to wherever you want to go, minjoo. the sun, moon, sky, stars, wherever.”

she's bashful. minjoo is cute. her giggles are cute. the dimples at the corner of her cheek are cute. the way her eyes turn into crescents is cute. the embarrassed voice telling her to shut up is cute. everything is so kim minjoo. everything about her is so lovely. 

“...you can do it.”

“hm.” they know the rules, when to cross the line. “but i won't.”

“why not, hey!” chaewon walks up the stairs in a rushed pace, ignoring minjoo's shouts and calls for her to stop right where she is. 

“because you haven't even made things official yet!”

 

(they don’t kiss that day, or the day after that, or the day after the day after that either. you were the one who wanted a chance, minjoo tells chaewon, so you should make things official. it’s fighting a winning fight, so the words leave her lips with ease. be mine, minjoo. so, minjoo’s lips meet hers with ease. i’m yours, chaewon.)

 

(chaewon ponders a lot about her life. what is right, what is wrong. how to live in this world so inexplicable. whenever she tells minjoo of the countless thoughts rushing through her mind, she just smiles to remind her. it’s not that deep, chae. it’s not that deep, so don’t worry. you’ve gotta stop thinking so much all the time, all those thoughts are going to hurt your brain.

fine, but what if i’m thinking of you? then what?

oh, then it’s okay. keep that up as much as you can.)

 

+++