++

“it's probably because you see her every day. how do you expect yourself to get over her when you gush over how pretty she looks every single day,”

minjoo sighs, sprawling across her bed before pulling a pillow close. 

“i don't know, nako… it's not like i can help it…”

“wow. you're so caught up in your feelings for her already.” she doesn't miss the exasperation in nako's tone and feels heat rush to her ears. 

“i meant i can't help seeing her every day! she's weirdly protective of yuri for some reason so i don't have a choice but to see her because yuri and i share the same class in the morning!” her fingers absentmindedly trace kim chaewon on her bedsheets. when she's about to follow up with kim minjoo, yuri makes a bustling entrance into their room. 

“hey, you better not be talking about me just because i can't understand japanese!”

“and who is that? is it sakura?”

nako yells yuri-chan! right in her ear. minjoo hands the phone to yuri without another word. she buries her face into the pillows and sighs.

-

“wake up already! we have to walk to class today and i really don't think half an hour is long enough for us to be on time.”

through groggy eyes, minjoo spots yuri shoving toast into her face. “what do you mean we have to walk… won't chaewon pick us up like um, every other day?” 

yuri rolls her eyes. she comes over to minjoo's bed and practically rips the covers off of her. “she's busy.”

oh. 

the words leave an impression stronger than she would like. minjoo tries to avoid the dull throb she's busy brings in her heart. “so get the up and get ready! what are you moping around for?!”

what feeling could you call this?

the longing for something inexplicable. 

minjoo doesn't understand why she thinks of chaewon—constantly, constantly seems like the only appropriate word—throughout the day. 

throughout the day and the days that follow because chaewon is busy for the entire week. 

and it just feels out of place.

a dullness fills her chest in the mornings. she wishes chaewon is thinking of her as much as she is because wow, her thoughts are about chaewon for an awfully long amount of time. 

she can't talk about how much she wants to see chaewon, or see her somehow look stunning no matter what she wears, or listen to her lame jokes. yuri's awful humour just doesn't hit the same way.

what feeling could this be?

infatuation, maybe. 

infatuation.

when chaewon shows up the next week, a demanding pound on their door with her piercing voice waking her up, she feels like it just clicks again. 

on a bleak wednesday morning she comes as a relief, or perhaps a reassurance. 

what could it be about kim chaewon that makes this lifeless winter morning so vibrant? why does her mood lift simply because of chaewon's presence?

“well. did you miss me?”

yuri does a one over on her, not bothering to hide her disgust. “ew. why would we do that.” 

(she ignores how attractive the way chaewon rolls her eyes is.) 

“minjoo, you must've missed me a little, right?”

“what?”

“i mean, you hate waking up early and you hate walking so…”

“oh, yeah. well, i guess i missed you just a tiny, little, miniscule amount. don't let it get to your head.”

chaewon scoffs but minjoo catches the smile on her face.

it's the winter heat; nothing more. winter heat dusting across her cheeks, tips of her ears and rushing through her veins.  

infatuation.

it could be.

when chaewon drops by their dorm a day after that in the evening after she dyes her hair a flashy pink, she wants her to leave without a word. it would shatter her ego if chaewon were to even laugh or chuckle at her. and chaewon leaves without a word — almost — she almost leaves without a word. 

if she did then it wouldn't be a “kim chaewon” thing. a “kim chaewon” thing, like letting a sly smile creep into her face as minjoo closes the door behind her, turning to face her and saying without any hesitation; “you look good with your pink hair, minjoo. but just a tiny, little, miniscule amount better.” and then, leave, leaving minjoo with a blank expression on her face.

she wonders.

is it infatuation?

//

is it only infatuation?

obviously not. 

because only infatuation wouldn't make her feel this way. 

during winter break, yuri and chaewon decided to visit home and offered minjoo to come with. she declined: they do so much for her already and it would be intruding to stay with their family for two weeks. plus, it wouldn't hurt for her to have the dorm all to herself without yuri pestering her all the time. 

but: maybe it isn't as good as it seems. on the surface, she gets to have some time to herself and chill, but she failed to see the repercussions of this unimportant act. 

minjoo seldom remembers that chaewon and yuri come from the countryside in busan. busan, where the nights are much colder compared to seoul and are too much for jo yuri's immune system to take. 

yuri catches a fever, and minjoo discovers that two weeks is all it takes to draw a clear line between infatuation and her growing feelings for chaewon.  

for two weeks, minjoo spends her mornings with chaewon and chaewon alone. 

“it's okay, yuri. i'll just walk to class until you get better. it's not a big de—” 

“shut up and go with chaewon, she won't mind. it's minus degrees outside and you think you can walk? …” 

minjoo heaves a sigh.  

persuading chaewon isn't any easier, if not harder. it seems like obstinacy runs in the family. 

“you're not just offering out of… pity, right?”

“what? what do you mean?”

minjoo waits for realization to paint itself across chaewon's face but it doesn't. chaewon still has her eyebrows ever so slightly scrunched up, eyes full of confusion and a barely noticeable frown. “forget it. it's getting late, anyways. let's go!”

ten minutes. 

the weight of ten minutes. chaewon takes ten minutes seriously. 

everyday, chaewon asks her pointless questions. she doesn't know why. nonetheless, she answers. 

“what's your favourite song?”

“when did you realize you wanted to be a business major?”

“do you like summer more or winter more?”

and chaewon demands an explanation for each of her answers. how exactly can she explain why fun! is her favourite song? and with her explanations chaewon asks more questions. it's strange. 

there's something in her eyes when she asks these questions. like she wants to see beyond what minjoo shows. beyond her surface. beyond what the world sees. and something about that is unsettling in minjoo's heart. 

on the fifth day of yuri's absence, she musters up the courage to ask a question of her own. 

“what do you do when you're free?”

again, she looks at her with something in her eyes. minjoo can't answer. “why do you ask me all these questions?”

a flurry of situations pass through her mind. like the unraveling of a knot, chaewon brings her imagination to a halt with a cheeky smile. “i dunno. i just want to understand you more.”

“what do you mean by that?”

with the quirk of her brow. fading winter breezes filling in the silence between them. deceleration, and the click of her seatbelt. “well, it's kinda simple, right? i want to know you better;”

it's not.

she doesn't know what to make of that.

//

alone.

the season goes.

minjoo embraces the feeling of loneliness. having spent her childhood overseas with a bunch of kids she now considers her family, she knows that loneliness will only disappear when she's in the company of her loved ones again. 

she tries to soothe her melancholy. it's only a few more days, anyway. if she can pull through a few more days, she'll get this internship. 

but being alone in an unfamiliar country; unfamiliar people speaking an unfamiliar language: she can't help the feeling of dread that encompasses each passing moment. it's frustrating. unable to convey what she feels. unnerving silence in her quaint hotel room. 

190203.

she sighs. 

missed calls from yuri, nako and hitomi. her hands run down her face. minjoo didn't think a time would come for her to spend her birthdays alone again. 

unsettling.

she's only human. 

she can't help but feel this way.

-

yuri was the first one to call her. she told minjoo not to mope around and spend her twentieth birthday locked up in her room. yuri doesn't call her a (“because it's your birthday,”) when she tells her that the interview is today and she'd have to leave her room sometime or the other. then, hitomi and nako facetime her. it's a shame they can't be with her when it's such a special day for them. they tell her to be strong, to do well on her interview and visit them when she's on a break. 

it's a nice day.

a pleasant temperature, the cusp of spring treading through the air. picturesque clouds across blue skies. a passerby smiled at her as she rushed to her interview and it made her feel good for a while. 

the interview went pretty well, or at least she thought it did. minjoo managed to buy a slice of cake at the bakery across her hotel and oh, nothing matches the taste of butterscotch after a long day. 

a sigh leaves her being. sinking into the pillows, the weight of today takes over her. 

a knock on the door lulls her awake.

she swears it's drowsiness that blinds her rational thoughts. minjoo doesn't think much before opening it. (not a good thing to do, by the way.)

?

“happy birthday!” her voice is clear and excited but minjoo is distracted by the confetti that falls upon the two of them. chaewon waits with a huge smile on her face for a reaction.

she manages a confused smile as she sees chaewon's expression fall. 

“chae, what are you doing here?”

“oh, uh…”

she stuffs the confetti in her hands back into her pockets and laces her fingers. “well, yuri reminded me that it's your birthday soon and that you were all alone in taiwan and it just so happened that me and my friends came here on like a little trip, y'know? so… yeah!”

she doesn't know what to say. chaewon has a party hat (the strap accentuates her cheeks and it's so cute,) glitter, and the suspicion that she should've told minjoo that she was coming on her face. it hits her like a wave and tears well up. 

“um, you know them! it's hyewon, yena and ch—”

neither of them likes skinship. that doesn't stop her from wrapping her arms around chaewon's shoulders and somehow hoping that her gratitude gets through to the older girl. chaewon smells like baby powder and it reminds her of her home. secure.

it feels complete, when chaewon dusts her hands of any remaining glitter and hugs her back.

maybe it would be nice if time would stop, just like this. 

maybe if the world would pause, just for the two of them. 

maybe if this moment would last forever.

//

and slowly, as another year passes i realize

these are the last moments between you and i

head clouded with rosy pink feelings of you

my mind tells me to stop me scandalous crime

one star too far to claim as mine

and slowly, you busy yourself with your compromises

slowly, i watch as your time weaves itself out of mine

this situation is perfection 

perhaps i should finally put aside my quiet heartbeats

that only grow at the sight of you.

but how could i?

when your smile is something close to divinity

could i?

when your voice rings in the depths of me

when you are so you, how could i stop myself from feeling all these feelings that make me feel so frustrated as my aching for you fails to fade away;

should i tell you?

since you're so lovely, 

i think how it would be if you were thinking of me

i think how you still have this hold on me

i think, gazing at you and your reflections

but you're so lovely

i wonder if the weight of my heavy heart could ever reach you

i wonder if i could tell you my truth.

//

the bonfire doesn't help much. 

it's not her fault for coming to the beach in proper beach attire, is it? even yuri came in shorts and a tank top. they just didn't have foresight. 

minjoo thought it would be a good idea to spend new year's eve at the beach, just chilling with her friends without a worry in the world. no exams, no assignments, (no kim chaewon,) no stress, to put simply. but she forgets that where jo yuri is, there kang hyewon will be and where kang hyewon is, there kim chaewon will be. 

and with those two is the entirety of their senior class turning yuri and minjoo's peaceful new year's eve chill session to a full on party raging till midnight. 

it's stupid. 

yuri and hyewon are cuddled up in her duffle coat. if their one objective was to flex their relationship on everyone else tonight, they're acing at it. 

the music is loud. how they managed to persuade the shack owners to play music she doesn't know, but now she has to listen to taylor swift's music into 2020. 

it’s too cold for these college students to be dancing the way they are. it’s too extreme. no moderation. no neutrality.

she hates the end of the year, every year. she hates the way it ends, unbearably cold. it ends with unresolved issues and feelings. it ends with buried promises of becoming a better person.

“well, isn’t this the perfect finish to 2019?” chaewon tells her sarcastically as she sits in front of the fire. stealing a quick glance at yuri and hyewon, she masks her disgust and smiles at her. “a ty end to a ty year, i think.”

she chuckles. minjoo notices how she’s underdressed for the night.

“yuri and i were having fun… why’d you guys trash our perfectly nice evening?”

“don’t tell me you thought yuri’d spend her new years with you instead of hyewon,”

a glare and chaewon plays it easy. an easy laugh, an easy smile. that’s all that chaewon gives.

“word spread around too fast and it resulted in this,”

her palm spreads to the sea and the crowd obscuring it. “yena’s fault, mostly.”

it would be nice to see the moon reflected in the sea. it’s a new moon day, however.

she tsks at not catching a glimpse of the moon before the new year started.

“aren’t you cold?”

“what do you think?”

kim chaewon feels easy.

chaewon scoots over next to her. slowly takes her hands into her own, and sighs. “y’know, they say cold hands have a warm heart.”

“you mean cold hands, warm heart?”

“yeah, that.”

minjoo bites back a smile. “what do i make of your warm hands, then?”

“um... for a pair of cold hands there should be a pair of warm ones, don’t you think?”

ironically, heat rushes to her ears. she barely notices the countdown from 10.

“happy new years, kim minjoo.” 

she mirrors the grin on chaewon’s face. “happy new years, kim chaewon.”

they stay like that for a while. chaewon tries to make out the million thoughts running through minjoo’s mind as they remain unexpressed through furrowed brows, lip bites and sighs.

they stay like that for a while. watching the dark of the night contrast orange flames. feeling the cold, the heat. the warmth of her.

“the moon looks beautiful tonight;”

“what? what language is that?”

“it’s japanese, i was just admiring the moon.”

“oh, yeah.”

she looks confused. before chaewon can get her question in, she rests her head on her shoulder. 

like that, no questions are asked.

they stay like that for a while.

they simply, stay like that for a while.