Chapter One

A soft autumn light, full of warmth, poured in through the window, cracked just enough to let the scent of autumn, cut grass and ginkgo float in from the distance. Curtains of pale cream linen billowed gently, rustling and waving, moving with the cool breeze. Life was thriving outside the window, the world filled with bird song and children screaming and playing on the grass lawn that stretched out from the front of the apartment complex, piling up fallen leaves to jump into with wild abandon.

“Are you sure? Today may not be the best day for you to go on a date?” The voice on the other end of the line was full of concern, warbling with worry. 

“Why wouldn’t it be, Joohyun?” Seungwan asked, her voice calm as she settled down onto the narrow leather seat, a rolling swivel chair, that sat before her vanity. She set her phone down on the black and white marble surface, the old, wood vanity painted a chalky white with elegant, spindle legs and a round mirror that hung on a swivel. She slowly reached up, her long fingernails painted a deep blue, glittering fake gems encrusted along her cuticles, to trace along the reflective glass. She had already shed tears today, the trails of them washed away and then hidden behind foundation and blush. “Eric-ah was very excited and really wanted to go out, so I said yes.”

There was a pregnant silence on the other end of the line, only the soft inhalations of Joohyun’s steady breath, the faint rustle of papers in the background. “If you really think you’re ready,” Joohyun finally said, her voice ringing with concerned uncertainty. “Go have fun with your boyfriend. I guess this means you won’t need me to show up with Soju and chocolate ice cream later?”

Seungwan could hear the masked disappointment in Joohyun’s voice and smiled. Their yearly tradition had carried on for the past four years, Joohyun showing up at her place with an overnight bag, soju and ice cream. She would pull out the letter, open it and read it, feeling the pain strike her fresh. Each word was like a dagger aimed at her heart. It would only make sense to stop reading it, burn the letter and finally move on with life. Instead, it was enshrined in the bottom drawer of her desk, pressed between two sheets of archival paper. The only thing she had left of the person who broke her heart.

“Have you read it today?”

“I am not going to read it today,” Seungwan said loudly, her voice full of false bravado as though, not but an hour ago, she hadn’t reached for the drawer in which it laid. Fingers shaking and her mind on nothing but seeing those words again. She had managed to pull back and throw herself on the bed, thrashing and rolling, wrapping herself in the soft blue comforter and crying. It felt as though moving on was a dream, intangible, and impossible to grasp. She told herself that if she could abstain from reading the letter today, reject the ritual she had allowed herself to wallow in, then perhaps she could. It would be her first step towards freedom from those memories.

“Hmmmmmm,” Joohyun noised over the phone, that simple sound of unformed consonants stating she wasn’t entirely convinced. “Eric is a really good guy,” Joohyun finally said, a cheer seeping into her tone. “I never expected you to find someone like him but I think he’s been very good for you. It’s clear you really do have feelings for him.”

“I wouldn’t date him if I didn’t,” Seungwan said with a chiding tone. Her heart had belonged and longed for another when she had met Eric, but there had been enough room for him to find a foothold. Their meeting had been like something out of a drama, her standing beneath a bus stop while rain poured down in a roiling torrent. The bus was very late and she was shivering, feeling the cold seeping into her extremities. He suddenly appeared beside her, umbrella in hand and friendly smile on his lips. He offered to walk with her, and despite everything, she agreed.

There had been an odd comfort in his presence, the kind one has when a father holds them. Then he smiled at her, his eyes seeming to twinkle, and she realized it was definitely nothing like a father. It was like an old lover, a presence that you’d grown accustomed to and felt at ease in. Perhaps it was the way he talked, so full of life, easy and free. She had looked at his lips and wondered how soft they were. If they could compete with hers.

That thought had been a shock, seemingly coming out of nowhere. It was the first ray of hope in her mind, the first sign that she could think of someone other than her lost lover. That someone could create a crack in the shell she’d hidden herself in. When he asked her out, his eyes looking at her with hope that echoed in her own depths, she agreed.

“It is kind of strange to plan a year and a half anniversary date,” Joohyun said with a light giggle. “He seems to be making a big production out of it too.” There was a measure of respect in Joohyun’s voice. When her world had fallen apart, dark thoughts creeping into her mind, Joohyun had shown up to pick up the pieces. The woman had become protective of her, always cautious and careful. When she and Eric began to date, Joohyun practically forced her to let them meet right away. The number of questions Joohyun leveled at Eric, rapid-fire and non-stop, the depth and probing nature of them, had left both him and Seungwan astounded and afraid.

In the end, Joohyun had declared he was a good enough person to date Seungwan and gave her permission for them to be a couple. Seungwan had laughed, poking Joohyun on the side and mentioning she didn’t need anyone’s permission to date. It had been the level stare and quirk of Joohyun’s slender brow, like the hammer of a loaded gun, a challenging smirk on the woman's lips that made her think differently. It was with a shiver that she realized, had Joohyun disapproved, she and Eric would have been doomed.

“He’s just very romantic and kind,” Seungwan said as she opened the drawer of her vanity, makeup clattering within. She reached in, fingers shifting and moving tubes of lipstick about before settling on a subtle pink. She drew it out, fingers spinning the cap. “You know this, though. I’ve told you about all the times he would show up at my work with flowers. How he seemed to know when I needed to be cheered up without even asking.”

“If only I could find a girl who treated me like he treats you,” Joohyun bemoaned. Seungwan leaned forward, face drawing close to the mirror, head tilted down and eyes angling up as she drew the lipstick applicator across her lips, watching the natural pink shake of them turn a touch darker. “Are you sure that your friend Seulgi isn’t gay? She has that sweet, bumbling innocence that I find y as hell.”

“You are not corrupting her,” Seungwan said sternly, hand falling from her lips and she recapped the lipstick, letting it fall back into the drawer. The soft giggle that seeped through the phone told her Irene was smirking. She could see it in her mind’s eye, Joohyun’s eyes would be shining mirthfully. She didn’t have to see Joohyun to know, they had been friends for so long. “Besides, I am very, very positive she is straight.”

“How can you be so sure?” Joohyun asked, her voice teasing.

“I’ve seen her history,” Seungwan said in a flat voice. The soft gasp that came through the phone almost sounded scandalized. Dead silence came across the line and she looked at herself in the mirror, her lips curling into a pleased smirk. Pride was on her features. It was rare for someone to actually get the upper hand on Joohyun, rendering the woman silent. This was a victory.

“Can you get a screenshot of it next time for me? I want to know what she likes.”

The pride slipped from her face, head falling forward and a groan issuing from her lips. She reached up to rub her brow, eyes closed in defeat. Joohyun had let her hold out hope for a moment, let her believe she had won this round and then shattered that sensation with a simple question. “I have to finish getting ready,” Seungwan said with a pained voice. “I’ll call you later and let you know how the date went.”

“I’ll be waiting for all the juicy details,” Joohyun said, voice a low whisper filled with a husky sultriness that seemed to reach through the phone and caress Seungwan’s ear. She felt her cheeks flush crimson and cursed how easily Joohyun could taunt her. There was another giggle and then the phone line went silent. With a dramatic roll of her eyes, she set her phone on the vanity and then pushed herself away, pulling herself to a stand.

She turned to regard herself in the tall mirror across the room, turning this way and that. She admired the way her tight, blue jeans hugged the shape of her body. A white crop top that showed her flat, soft stomach would tantalize Eric. She wanted his eyes on her, making her feel desired today of all days. As she headed towards her door, she grabbed a jean jacket from her bed. 

“Today is going to be a day of new memories. Eric is going to build something new with me.” She said the words but wasn’t sure she believed them.

x.X.x

A sheen of nervous sweat had begun to form at the base of her neck. She felt as though her stomach might upend itself as dread began to fill her. Eric was smiling, hand on the steering wheel as he maneuvered the car slowly down the parking lot aisles. Trees jutted up towards the sky on the street side of the parking lot, a structure at the far end with swooping lines of color and wrought iron gates. Beyond it were towering structures of enjoyment. A Ferris wheel spun in lazy circles. A roller coaster twisted and twirled through the sky, suspended on tall metal beams. Even from so far away, with the windows of the car down, she could hear the screams of its riders.

“I haven’t been to a theme park since I was a kid,” Eric said in a cheery tone as he turned the wheel, the car inching into a parking spot. The engine fell silent as he turned the key and Seungwan considered asking him to start the car again. To back out and drive away, running away from this place. Today of all days was the worst time to come to this theme park. “Are you alright?”

She blinked and tore her worried eyes from the Ferris wheel, jumping in her seat like a scared animal. She was staring at him with almost wild eyes, and she could see the growing worry on his rugged features. She swallowed before forcing a smile to her lips, reaching out to him, her fingers falling to rest on the back of his hand. She brushed them across his knuckles, fingertips slipping between the cracks of his fingers.

“I’m fine,” Seungwan lied. She silently prayed he wouldn’t sense the false confidence in her words but when his face lit up with happiness, she felt relief. She had talked with Joohyun about moving forward, putting away her painful past, and trying to build something more with Eric. Now, here she was, at the place she and her lost lover had their first date. Eric told her to stay where she was and opened the door, stepping out of the car. She watched him as he ran around the back of it, skipping as he did so, to open the door for her.

“I have the entire day planned out,” he said, holding out a hand for her. “Is that okay?”

She slipped her hand into his, feeling the fingers grasp her firm and hold her steady as she swung her legs out, sneakers finding asphalt. She stood and he suddenly bent down, lips finding her own in a surprise kiss. She felt her cheeks color, eyes darting around wondering if anyone had seen. They had both spent their early lives outside of Korea where the idea of public displays of affection and what was acceptable had been different. It was only the judgy eyes of others that bothered her. He closed the door behind her, stepping up beside her and taking her hand in his, fingers twinning with her own.

She looked up at him, tall and handsome, and told herself she could get through this. It was like ripping off a bandaid, quick and fast, to get the pain over and done with. Now that she had decided to heal, perhaps this was the right choice. This place was full of memories, once happy and turned to agony, and if she was going to face them again, she felt glad to have Eric at her side. That is what she told herself at any rate.

“I’m happy to let you lead,” she said softly, truth in her words. He beamed another smile and they started across the parking lot, the sound of fun waiting for them. He’d already bought their tickets allowing them to breeze through the entry, the theme park feeling like another world surrounding and engulfing them. Brilliant flowers were everywhere, bright shades of blue, yellow, and red. The buildings looked as though they had been pulled out of a cartoon, garish colors, and swooping architecture, then simply tossed into the real world.

“You’ve been here before, right?” Eric asked her, his head dipping down, smiling broadly. She gave his fingers a squeeze, more for herself than him. His hands were so different from her lost lovers. They were strong and firm, holding her with a strength that had shocked her at first. He wasn’t demanding when he touched her, but there was a solidness about him. The way he pulled at her skin, the way he caressed her with calloused hands. His fingers didn’t seek to coax out her pleasure but sought to force it out. It had been different and when she’d grown used to it, she grew to enjoy it.

“I have,” she whispered. “A long time ago. I came here with a junior of mine right after she graduated high school,” she said softly. There had been much more to it than that but she held that in, bit her lip, and told herself not to cry. An image of that girl filled her mind, so sweet and lovely, freshly lost innocence and love. They had walked hand in hand down this exact path, just as she and Eric were.

“I’m not surprised you would do that,” Eric said warmly. “I can see you being kind to your juniors like that. You have the nicest, warmest heart of anyone I know,” he said, his voice full of pride for her. A memory flashed through her mind, the night he had introduced her to his friends. She’d been overwhelmed, so many new things happening at once, and made an excuse to go to the restroom with the intent of just catching her breath. Instead, she turned a corner and plastered herself to the wall, fighting to keep from hyperventilating. She overheard him talking, adoration in his voice as he sang her praises. That was the moment she knew they had a chance if she could only overcome her past.

“She was,” Seungwan said slowly, trying to find the right words and not raise suspicion. “My best friend,” she settled on. It barely scratched the surface of what they had been. Best friends. Soulmates. Lovers. All three lumped into a single ball, spun about, and then shoved into her heart. For the longest time after she had left, it felt like that ball of emotions had turned to poison, slowly killing her.

“Do you still talk to her?” Eric asked, his steps guiding them around a fountain, a stone pathway lined with flowers before them. The fresh scent of them mingled with the distant aroma of popcorn. She glanced around, seeking the source of that delicious scent, another memory rising up within her. They had sat on a bench, flirting and playing, sharing a bag of popcorn. Her lover had butter from the tips of her fingers, eyes glittering seduction, making her blush and look about with worry. 

“No,” Seungwan said lightly, fighting to keep the sadness she felt from her voice. “She and I went our separate ways when I was a senior in college. Last I heard she moved away with her mother and we lost touch.” She drew in a long breath, blinking her eyes rapidly, worried tears might begin to swell. Her mind returning to the letter hidden in her desk, the last words she’d seen of that wonderful girl. “Let’s talk about happier things,” she blurted out.

“About how much I like you?” Eric said, his voice playful. Those words played across her ears, a tingle forming at the base of her neck. She truly did like him. A lot. The way he soothed her when she was frantic or could inflame her with passion when she was docile. He could shift her moods and she adored him for that.

“Or how much I like you,” she teased back. He gave a laugh and smile, making her wonder if his face might split in two for the width of it. She leaned into him, letting her head fall to rest against his arm as they walked. It felt intimate, displaying her affection so openly in public. “So,” she said, letting his presence fill her with warmth, “what did you have planned for us?”

“I thought we could take a ride on the Ferris wheel,” Eric said, reaching up to point at the giant wheel spinning in the near distance. The seats rocked as it moved, the faces of people peering out from behind the safety bars of the carriage windows looked like tiny little dots. “If you don’t mind,” he said, voice falling slow and soft, an almost embarrassed tone in it as he continued, “it has been a fantasy of mine to kiss someone on the Ferris wheel when it reaches its zenith. I was hoping that someone could be you.”

Her heart leaped and her stomach filled with butterflies. His sweet consideration, asking for that kiss instead of waiting till the moment and demanding it, warmed her. She’d always thought men were rough, requiring without giving, but Eric had shattered those delusions. He was kind, not because he wanted anything in return, but because it was his nature. Lately, she was even beginning to think she might be falling in love with him. “I would like that,” she said shyly, unable to meet his gaze. 

They walked in silence, both sporting blushes on their cheeks. Her eyes were locked on the cement, thinking about the waiting kiss, and for a brief moment, she forgot about her, the girl who had tormented her. They stole shy glances at one another as they waited for the ride. It struck her how naughty this felt, planning a romantic kiss on the Ferris wheel, considering the intimate nights they had spent together. She’d been the one to initiate it, feeling his body against hers, his arousal and desire. They’d found pleasure in each other’s hands and lips but never further. Eventually, she thought. Maybe even tonight.

As they were ushered to the door of the Ferris wheel carriage, round and enclosed with barred windows, she glanced about for a moment and felt her world slow. Long, silken black hair that bounced when the girl walked. Lips painted a deep red and fox-ish eyes, her tall body swathed in a knit dress of yellow, caught her eye in the distance. A girl she knew. A girl she knew intimately. She blinked and shook her head, thinking it was a vision, and when she looked again the girl was gone.

“I should have asked first,” Eric said, concern riding in his voice again, “but if the height scares you, we can do something else.” She blinked, realized she’d paused, one foot on the step up into the carriage and the other on the ground. The attendant was holding the door open, an impatient look on his face. She shook her head, both to clear it and to tell him she was okay, before stepping up and into the carriage. She settled down on the plastic seat beside him.

Without a word, the attendant closed the door and with a turn of the handle, it locked shut. Eric’s hand fell to her knee, giving it a comforting squeeze. With a jerk, the Ferris wheel spun only to come to an abrupt stop a second later as another carriage was filled. “Once all the carriages are full they will spin it for a bit,” Eric said as he rested his forehead against the top of hers. She could feel him inhale, filling his senses with her scent. “I always loved the smell of your shampoo,” he whispered. 

“And I always said you were strange,” Seungwan laughed. She reached up, fingers finding cheeks in a lingering caress. His arms slipped about her waist, pulling her tighter against his side. Heat rolled off his body, his presence wrapping her in it. “You’re very affectionate today,” she said, her voice a gasp as his fingers curled against her side. Still, that vision of the girl in yellow, so much like the girl she had loved most of her life, lingered in the back of her mind.

“I’m just happy to be here with you,” he said before placing a kiss atop her head. “I’ve been thinking about this day for a while now.”

“This day?” She asked, eyes narrowing and brows drawing into a confused furrow. His words didn’t make much sense to her. Last year she had spent this anniversary with Joohyun, drinking and crying, be what had been lost without spending much thought on what she had gained. “What are you talking about?”

“Later,” Eric whispered as the Ferris wheel began to move, its stuttering stops done. His eyes betrayed the excitement in him despite his attempt to act cool. Slowly, the carriage swayed, both looking at one another, forgetting there was an outside world. As the Ferris wheel reached its zenith, cresting, he dipped his head down and kissed her. She fell into his embrace, letting the strength of his kiss wash away her thoughts. The girl in the yellow dress fled from her mind, only the taste of him filling her in this moment.

As the carriage swayed again, starting its descent as the giant wheel spun, Eric drew back. Her eyes fluttered open to catch the look of utter happiness on his features. The way his lips curved, the pureness of his love, made her feel guilty. He was giving her everything while she clung to the past. She leaned her cheek against his shoulder, quiet as the Ferris wheel spun, the world rising and falling through the bars of the carriage. She knew it was hard, forgetting the past, but it was only fair to him that she had to try. For her and for him.

When the Ferris wheel slowed, returning to its stuttering stop, emptying and refilling carriages she broke their comfortable silence. “What’s next, Eric-ah?”

“One of my favorite places here,” he said, his voice a wistful whisper. When they finally stopped at the bottom, Eric slipped past her and exited first, holding a hand out for her. She took it, letting his strength steady her as she stepped down.

“Always the gentleman,” she teased. He merely smiled but a soft blush crept across his cheeks. They walked hand in hand, waving through the crowds. The air was filled with a cacophony of noises. People laughing, children crying, and the dings and whistles of games. All of those sounds felt muted in her ears. 

“I have a confession to make,” Eric said slowly, his fingers tightening their grip on her own. She looked up at him, curious and confused. “I had seen you, years before we met at the bus stop.” She blinked in surprise and felt the back of her neck begin to sweat again, a familiar sound piercing through the muted noise. Her heart began to pound, pulse beating in her ears, competing with the soft music reminiscent of a child’s music box. As they turned a corner it unfolded in her view.

“I came here with friends,” Eric was saying softly, “and I saw you on that.” His hand reached out towards the ride of brilliant colors and mirrors, wood horses rising and falling as it spun. She felt her breath catch. Her feet felt as though they didn’t want to move any closer. Eric kept walking only stopping when he felt her hand pulling him back. He turned slowly, his eyes full of happiness as he said, “We walked by several times and you were on there, laughing and talking with another girl. I remembered your face that day in the rain. There was a sadness about you and I wanted to see that smile again.”

She stared past him, watching the carousel as it spun, over and over. Emotions welled in her. Sadness. Longing. Guilt. Sadness in the memory of this place, where she’d heard the words, “I love you,” for the first time. Words she had happily returned. Guilt over being unable to push those feelings away. Guilt over still longing for that girl despite everything Eric had given her. Despite her thoughts earlier of forgetting her past and giving herself fully to him. Standing here, watching the carousel spin, the horses in their lazy up and down sway, everything came back to her.

She felt her cheeks grow damp at the memory of the girl, smiling atop the white unicorn, holding her hand and laughing like nothing in the world could break them apart. “Seungwan-ah,” Eric said quickly, taking her by both hands and guiding her towards a bench of metal and wood. She the corners of her lips and tasted the salt of tears, the heat of their trails on her cheeks, feeling as though they might sear and scar her. Eric slowly helped her sit, settling onto the seat beside her, voice full of confusion and worry as he asked, “What’s wrong?”

She shook her head, afraid to talk. How could she tell him what was going through her mind? She reached up and tried to wipe away the tears from her cheeks with the back of a hand, a sob filling . “I’ll get you a napkin or something to wipe your face with,” Eric said quickly. He paused before turning, the sound of his sneakers striking the cement as he jogged away, his presence disappearing from her side.

As her vision swam, watery with tears and eyes downcast on the ground, a pair of bright white sneakers came into her view. The hem of a dress, soft knit and yellow, swaying over them. “A pretty girl like you shouldn’t cry on a date,” came a sweet voice. It was melodic, a pitch both unique and warm. A voice she knew like it was her own. It felt as though time had stopped and she slowly began to look up, fear, and hope struggling deep within her chest. She began to shiver despite the warmth of the sun beating down on her.

“Sooyoung,” she whispered, her voice cracking in disbelief.

Sooyoung stood before her, long black hair that fell in cascade-like black silk, bangs cut in a harsh line across her brow. A slender, delicate hand was extended, a white napkin held between two fingers. The girl was smiling though Seungwan could tell by the sweep of those lips, the way they curled in a broad grin, it was a lie. It was a smile that didn’t touch Sooyoung’s eyes. They didn’t sparkle like they always did when Sooyoung was happy. “Here,” the girl said, bending down and taking Seungwan’s hand, shoving the tissue into it.

Sooyoung looked down at her, the smile on her lips faltering and cracking, eyes turning misty as she said, “I come here every weekend. It’s where my most special memory resides,” the girl said, a catch in . Seungwan simply sat there, too stunned to move or talk. Years of pain welled up inside her, fighting to explode out of her. She both wanted to throw herself into Sooyoung’s arms and run away. She wanted to feel herself in the girl’s embrace, crying and kissing, while at the same time, scream and scratch.

Eric was suddenly there, a wad of brown napkins in his hands, eyes wide. He looked at Sooyoung and gave a polite bow of his head before noticing the napkin gently clutched between Seungwan’s fingers. “Oh, thank you,” he said with a genuine smile before dropping down to sit beside Seungwan. He began to wipe away the tears from her cheeks, dabbing at the corners of her eyes. “Are you going to be okay, Seungwan-ah?”

The term of endearment on his lips made Sooyoung flinch, the girl taking a step back. “You’re in good hands,” Sooyoung whispered, desolation in her voice. Seungwan watched as Sooyoung turned, the hem of her yellow dress swirling out about her pale legs, and walked away with a hurried pace. Seungwan reached out for her.

“Eric-ah,” Seungwan said, finding her voice. It was heavy and rough, the swirl of conflicting emotions in her making it hard to think. “Wait a moment for me. I have to go do something.” Before he could answer, she was on her feet. Wiping at her eyes with the tissue, she began to run. Her heart raced, pounding with each hard footfall on the cement. She could see Sooyoung, black hair and yellow dress, turning a corner, disappearing behind a mass of green and blue flowers.

She had to talk to her. She had to know why Sooyoung never came back to her as the letter had promised. Why she’d been left to languish in her own misery. As she turned the corner, she skidded to a stop. She gasped, her stomach twisting as she watched Sooyoung walking hand in hand with another girl. Short with long, blonde hair. Fingers twined, a pretty face upturned to regard Sooyoung’s profile. “What was that about?” The small girl asked, voice young and sweet.

“Just a fragment of my broken past,” Sooyoung said heavily. They were just a handful of steps away. She could have reached out and tapped Sooyoung on the shoulder, turn the girl around and have it out. Instead, she stood there, still as a statue, afraid of it. “Let’s go, Yeri-ah,” Sooyoung said, voice full of false happiness, and the pair started down the path. She could only stand there and watch, the person she had pined for disappearing, hand in hand with someone else.

When the couple finally disappeared into a crowd, she turned and with a slow, staggering gait, numb, walked back to Eric. He stood as she drew close, waiting for her with an uneasy look on his face. She forced a smile to her lips though she felt dead inside. So many conflicting emotions had left her numb, unable to think or feel. “This day isn’t going as you hoped, is it?”

Eric’s shoulders slumped and he gave a rueful shake of his head. He stepped to her, slipping his arms about her shoulders, drawing her tight against him. She fell into his embrace, warm and welcoming, thankful to have him here right now. She knew it was selfish, relying on him like this, but she needed his support now. “I don’t know what is going on,” he said as he placed his chin atop her head, slowly rocking her back and forth, “but I’m here to listen if you want. I want you to be happy, my Seungwan-ah.”

“I wish I could tell you,” she whispered in a strained voice. “Will you let me use you for now? I need someone who can make me happy.”

“Seungwan-ah,” he said with a soft chuckle. “That’s all I want to do. Make you happy. If this place makes you sad,” she began to move, ready to protest but he held her still and continued, “don’t deny it. I can see it in your eyes. We can go somewhere else. Name where you want to go, anywhere in the world, and I’ll take you there. Right now.”

She found herself smiling at his words. She knew, if it was within his power, he would do it. He deserved better than her, she thought. “Maybe another part of the park instead,” she said, inhaling deeply to try and calm herself. “I can’t tell you why, but this carousel holds memories best forgotten.” She felt him go still, a long thoughtful hum in his throat before he was moving. He bent down, an arm about her lower back and his other sweeping her legs out from beneath her.

He lifted her into a carry and began marching away from the carousel. She looked at his face, her own full of shock, to see the determination in his. He didn’t say a word but she knew he was taking her away from this place, his only thought to make her comfortable again. They weaved through crowds, people staring at them as though the pair had lost their mind. Older couples gave prim sniffs of disapproval while young girls twittered and spoke of how romantic they looked. She knew she should be embarrassed, but when he held her, the pain of seeing Sooyoung was fading. Slowly forgotten in the feel of his body.

When her breathing calmed and she let her head fall against this shoulder, he smiled and said, “Is this far enough away?”

“Yes,” she whispered. 

They spent the rest of the date around the outskirts of the park, Eric taking care to ask her frequently where she would like to go. He’d abandoned his plans and let her take the lead and she appreciated it. She tried to give her full attention to him but found herself, every now and then, looking about for Sooyoung and her yellow dress. Hope would turn to relief when she didn’t see the girl again. 

As the sun slowly settled over the park, Seungwan’s feet grew heavy. The toll of the day, both emotional and physical, was leaving her tired. As they sat on a bench, sharing a crepe filled with strawberries and fresh cream, Eric whispered, “What is your schedule like next weekend?”

“Plans with you, if you want,” she said. She looked at him, his smile blossoming, a small white dab of cream at the corner of his lips. Reaching up, she gently wiped it away with her fingertip. She watched the look of desire that flashed through his eyes at the soft touch. His hand was fast, reaching up to grasp her wrist, holding it still as he drew her finger to his mouth. She felt her breath grow light, her heart pound as he slowly the dollop of cream from her fingertip.

“Eric,” she said, her voice shy and he paused.

“You said my name without honorifics.”

She blinked. He was right. She’d never done that before. The way he beamed at her made her blush only deepen. He stared at her, happy, before slowly slipping from his seat on the bench. With confused eyes, she watched him slowly walk to face her, looming up, his handsome face seeming to shine in the dimming light of the day. He slowly dropped to one knee before her and she found herself gasping.

“Seungwan,” he said, his voice full of warmth and love, “I wanted today to be special. To make every moment full of love and happiness.” The people walking about them started to slow to a stop, eyes on them. She felt a sense of dread wash over her as he slipped his hand into his pocket. The crowd of people around them were now invested, murmuring and smiling. “I know today wasn’t perfect. I know there were things here that made you sad, but I don’t want to wait anymore. I hope I can turn this place into nothing but a happy memory for you.”

His hand slipped out from his pocket, a small, velvet box clutched in his fingers. She gasped and the people about them began to smile and clap. His eyes were full of hope as he opened the box, a diamond ring, the gemstones flashing and glittering, the band of swooping gold filigree. She gasped loudly and felt her stomach sink. “Seungwan. The woman I love. Let me make this a happy place for you. Let me make every day after this a happy day.”

“Marry him,” yelled one teenage girl, “he’s so handsome.”

She didn’t dare look in his eyes. Her entire body felt numb. He reached out and took her hand, strong fingers suddenly gentle as he asked, “Son Seungwan. Will you marry me?”

The anticipation, that of Eric and the gathered crowd, seemed to hang in the air. Oppressive and demanding, a moment that felt as though it hung on her word. She hated it. It was one thing to be put on the spot, but to have a question so personal and intimate aired in public made her hackles rise. She wanted to say if he knew her well enough to marry her, he’d know this and that would be reason enough to say no. 

It would be a disingenuous answer. She knew the real reason was she was shaken. Sooyoung had appeared, sending her world spinning again just as she’d begun to feel stable once more. Looking around anxiously, Seungwan reached out to grasp his wrist and said furtively, “Let’s not do this here.” She could hear the pleading in her own voice. 

She watched Eric’s smile falter a moment before he stood, his voice rising loud to make sure everyone around them heard, “Sorry, I know how private you are. Let’s go someplace quiet.” There was audible disappointment from on-lookers as he wrapped an arm about her, guiding her across the bridge. The diamond ring was still clung between his two fingers, the glint of it catching her eye and making her want to shrink in on herself.

Each step felt like an eternity, her mind struggling, trying to think of the right words to say. She felt that had she not run into Sooyoung, she might have said yes. It felt too early for a proposal but her mind had been set on moving forward, forgetting the girl who had lingered in her heart and mind, and this would have been an opportunity to try and just leap forward. In a way, she was thankful for Sooyoung otherwise she might have made a mistake. 

Eric guided her to a bench, heavy cement with a tree hanging overhead to cast it in near darkness with the setting sun now hidden behind the buildings of the theme park. His arm unwrapped from her shoulders and with contrition in his voice he whispered, “I’m sorry. I had planned to do it after the park when I took you home but the moment just felt right to me.”

“Eric,” she began, her voice quavering as she turned and settled down onto the bench. Her hands pressed at her knees, rubbing them nervously as she looked up at him. The worry and fear in his eyes made her want to look away. “I’m just ruining all of your plans today, aren’t I?”

“Plans rarely go off perfectly,” he said wryly before settling down on the bench beside her. His hand settled on her arm, squeezing with warmth and strength, a steadying force in his touch. The nervous rubbing of her knees stopped, her shoulders seemed to lose tension as she looked at him. “The question is still there, Seungwan. I do want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

“We never talked about this,” Seungwan said softly. “We’ve only been dating a year and a half. It feels so fast.” 

“I know,” Eric said as he began to caress her arm, his touch was full of love and for some reason that only made her feel worse. She knew how kind and gentle he was but the idea of crushing his heart made her own ache. “I know it’s fast but I’m ready to take that next step. I’m ready to get married, start having kids and settling down. I worried I’d never find someone I wanted to do that with but then I met you, Seungwan. I want that with you.”

“I want those things too,” Seungwan said as she took his hand into her own. She rubbed across the back of his hand with her thumb, feeling the tendons and bone beneath the skin, the pulsing veins. “I just don’t know if I’m ready. I have so much baggage from my past that I don’t think it would be fair to you,” her voice fell lower, uncertain as she whispered, “or myself.”

Eric’s head rolled back, eyes falling shut as a low, deep sigh echoed from deep within his chest. She watched the way his eyes were clenched, the disappointed tightness in his cheeks. It stung her, watching the emotion playing across his face. He’d been so kind, so giving and supportive and now she felt guilty. When his head rolled forward, his eyes softened. 

“I won’t demand an answer right now,” Eric said slowly, his words weighed and measure, tone trembling. “I understand. I really do. I remember how hard I had to work to break past your barriers, the walls you built up around your heart. I thought, maybe, I had finally taken away the last bricks.” He turned his hand, taking hers into it with laced fingers and a warm grasp. “I just want us to move forward together, so give it some thought. I can’t wait forever, though. Just,” he drew in a long, steadying breath before saying, “give it serious thought and let me know soon.”

There was that consideration, that gentle soul he had originally won her over with. It made it even harder for her to refuse. She just knew, deep in her heart, that agreeing to marry him out of a sense of obligation would be a disservice to them both. “What if I say no?”

“Then we cross that bridge when we get there,” he said with an exhale. “I can’t wait forever to start a family.” He gave her hand a squeeze, his lips drawing into a tight smile. “How about, for now, we get some food and try to salvage this date?”

“I’d kill for a churro,” Seungwan said with a smile.

“Then let’s get you a churro,” Eric said, a forced sense of happiness in his voice.

x.X.x

Seungwan had been surprised when she returned home. Stepping out of the elevator, a small figure was sitting outside her door dressed in a yellow and black plaid shirt and denim shorts. Small feet clad in white Converse sneakers playfully tapped on the carpet of the hallway, several plastic bags beside her. “Joohyun?”

Joohyun looked up from where she sat and flashed Seungwan a warm smile. Planting her feet on the carpet, she propelled herself up to a stand. “I decided to stop by anyway,” she said, her voice bouncy and happy, before bending over to pick up the plastic bags. As she stood up straight, Seungwan was already pressing against her, arms wrapping tight about her tiny body. “What the?”

Seungwan sobbed softly, the girl’s body shaking and Joohyun turned her head to place a kiss at her temple. “It’s okay,” Joohyun whispered, “I’m here for you. What are best friends for?” Seungwan simply melted into Joohyun, the pair of them rocking back and forth. When Seungwan finally drew back, she felt a little more centered, just the presence of her best friend a steadying force.

“Did you bring soju and chocolate?” There was hopefulness in her voice and when Joohyun smiled and nodded, she could only smile in return. Turning, she punched in the code for her door and when the lock clicked open, she pushed her way inside. As soon as she was in, she kicked off her shoes, strode into the living room and threw herself onto the couch. Her hands were grasping for pillows, pulling them to her. Everything felt numb, the events of the day having overwhelmed her.

Joohyun was patting her , the woman’s voice full of comfort as she said, “Give me room to sit or else I’m just going to lay on top of you.” Seungwan was well aware it wasn’t an idle threat. Joohyun would always carry through with her words and it had been of the things she cherished the most. It had been a source of both frustration and relief. Slowly, she drew herself to sit and then scooted down to the end of the small couch.

Just a single lamp in the corner was illuminated, it’s light bulb designed to mimic the flickers of a candle, casting the entire room in waving and twisting shadows. She watched as Joohyun began to pull bottles of soju from bags, setting them on the table in a neat row. A white box, closed with a gold ribbon, followed. “You didn’t have to buy such expensive chocolates,” Seungwan said in a small voice.

“Only the best for my best friend,” Joohyun said cheerily. The woman reached out, took a bottle and in hand and then twisted the cap free. She paused a moment, the bottle seeming to dangle precariously in her fingers before she asked, “Did you want a glass or is tonight a drink straight from the bottle night?”

Seungwan answered with action, reaching out and taking the bottle by its slender neck. Her eyes fell shut, anticipation pouring through her as she brought it to her lips. The touch of glass on them, the feel of the cool bottle in her fingers, felt like a godsend at the moment. When the harsh liquor swept over her tongue and splashed down , she wondered if it was possible to become even more numb.

“That kind of night,” Joohyun whispered, a deep sadness in her voice. 

The heat of the alcohol settled in her stomach and Seungwan let out a low, lingering hiss. She leaned over, pressing into Joohyun’s side, head falling to rest on the woman’s shoulder. Joohyun brought a hand up to gently caress her cheek, fingernails pulling tiny tingles from her skin. “I don’t even know where to start,” Seungwan whispered. Between Sooyoung reappearing and Eric’s proposal, she didn’t know which to start with. Two shocking events filling just a few hours.

“Did Eric propose to you?” 

Seungwan’s head whipped up and turned so fast she slapped Joohyun across the face with her hair. The woman reeled back, sputtering and reaching up to pull a strand of blonde hair from . Seungwan’s eyes narrowed as she asked, “Did you know?” 

“It was just a guess,” Joohyun said with a shake of her head. “Even I could tell that Eric was sending out the signals, Wannie,” Joohyun said with a softening tone. She drew in a long breath and gave her head a rueful shake. “If he was good at reading signs, he’d know you weren’t ready. I know it. Seulgi knows,” Joohyun said with a laugh, “and she’s about as oblivious as anyone can be.”

An image of Eric, on his knees with a glittering ring held between fingers, floated across her mind. The look of hopefulness on his features that she quickly dashed. Her lips trembled as she said, “I told him I wasn’t ready. The thing is, if I hadn’t run into Sooyoung at the park, I might have agreed just as a way to try and push past her.”

“I understand,” Joohyun said before suddenly stiffening. The woman sat up straight, her back like a steel bar, a stunned expression on her face. Seungwan waited, knowing it would take Joohyun a moment to process the information. When Sooyoung had disappeared, only that letter left, Joohyun had been angrier than she had. Seungwan had watched her best friend stamping about, cursing, asking how someone could leave a gentle heart like her. “Sooyoung was there.”

“Yes,” Seungwan said, her voice almost a whisper too low for Joohyun to hear. 

“Good thing for her you were there with Eric and not me,” Joohyun said, a razor’s edge in her voice. 

“Don’t,” Seungwan said before taking another long draught of her soju. She leaned back, head rolling to rest on the soft couch cushion behind her, letting the slow haze of booze creep through her. Her fingers and toes tingled. “We’ve been through this before. I still,” she paused, shaking her head before continuing, amending her last word, “used to love her. You act like she left you.”

“You don’t know what she did to me,” Joohyun said cryptically. The woman’s tone and demeanor suddenly changed, concern creeping into her voice as she asked, “Does this mean you and Eric are over?”

“No,” Seungwan said with a heavy sigh. “He asked me to think about it. He says he’s ready to settle down and have children. It felt like a ‘no’ would be the end of our relationship.” 

Joohyun gave a long, understanding nod. “He’s in his thirties already,” Joohyun said with a tight smile. “I understand how he feels. I’m getting dangerously close to thirty and sometimes I wonder if I’m ever going to have children.”

“Wait,” Seungwan said, eyes narrowing as she turned to regard Joohyun. “You never told me you wanted children. When did you decide this?”

“Recently,” Joohyun whispered, a sudden shyness in her. Seungwan wondered how many more surprises she would have in one day. Joohyun wanting a child seemed small in comparison to the others, but it wasn’t something she had ever expected. She took another drink, her mind reaching back to the way Joohyun had always comforted her. The tenderness her best friend had, the motherly way Joohyun would take of her.

“You’d make a good mom,” Seungwan said, smiling, her voice genuine. The happy smile that creased Joohyun’s face made her feel a bit better. “Now, drink with me?”

“Of course,” Joohyun said before taking a bottle in hand. The woman spun the cap free, tinked the lip of the opening against the neck of Seungwan’s bottle and took a long swig herself. The low, happy hiss that poured from only seemed to make Seungwan happy. 

The air about them felt still as they fell into a quiet trance, leaning against one another, taking pulls from their bottles. Joohyun’s free hand rested on her knee, gently massaging and rubbing, the warm touch of those fingers seeping into her, relaxing her. She wasn’t sure if it was the alcohol or Joohyun’s presence that she needed the most. Probably a combination of both, she decided.

Every time she tried to think about Eric, how to respond to his marriage proposal, whether it was something she wanted, an image of Sooyoung filled her mind. Those wide lips she’d used to kiss. The soft knit yellow dress that hid a full figure, hips that had once been hers to grasp. But most of all, it had been the girl’s voice that distressed her the most. The many hours they had talked over the phone, wanting to know every small detail of Sooyoung’s day. Even the most minute detail was required. She wanted it all. Now, the last words she had of Sooyoung were said to that small, blonde girl.

“Sooyoung was there with her new girlfriend,” Seungwan said, a wave of sadness, fresh and new as that image filled her mind, pouring across her. She shivered and drained the last of the soju bottle, leaning forward to place it on the tabletop with a loud clunk.

“,” Joohyun said, her voice a mixture of anger and consolation, the woman reaching out to gently massage a hand down the narrow width of Seungwan’s back. “Are you sure? She just wasn’t there with someone else?”

“I overheard her talking to her girlfriend,” Seungwan said, her eyes clenched shut. “I’m positive.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I want to read the letter,” Seungwan whispered. She could feel the sudden tenseness in Joohyun beside her. She looked over to see a question in Joohyun’s eyes, wordlessly asking her if she was sure. She gave a half-hearted smile and nodded. With a look of resignation, Joohyun drew back and stood. She watched the retreating form of her best friend disappear into the hallway, her hand reaching for another bottle of Soju.

A minute later, Joohyun returned, a sheet of paper in her hand, held like a snake that might bite her. It dangled from a fingertip, held out at arms length. Seungwan wanted to read the letter one last time, she told herself. This would be the final reading and then from there, she would force herself to move on. As Joohyun came within reach, she took the letter into shaky fingers.

The letter was creased twice, folded and placed into an envelope all those years ago. The white paper was faded and smudged, spots of it distressed and worn where tears had dampened it. “I want to read it this one last time,” Seungwan said, her voice thick and strangled, “and then we are going to burn it.”

The way Joohyun blinked, reeling back in absolute shock. The woman even brought up a hand to clutch at her chest in surprise, it managed to make Seungwan smile. “Seriously?” She’d never heard such surprise or disbelief in Joohyun’s voice before. She simply nodded and cleared , holding the paper out before her. There was a sharpness in Sooyoung’s writing, the harsh lines of the characters that spoke of hurried writing. She’d spent hours analyzing it, each word that built into each sentence, looking for some hidden meaning she might glean from it.

Instead, she could only find one thing. A goodbye and a promise that was never held.

She drew in a long breath, feeling an itch spread across her skin, stomach twisting like it had when she was in school, working on an assignment she didn’t want to do. A physical reaction to her mental state of being. “I have to do this,” she whispered to herself. “Say my goodbyes and be done with it,” and she read.

October 4th, 2017

My dearest Seungwan,

The night feels as though it has closed in on me, the four walls of my room shrinking like a cage. Stark, white walls bereft of warmth and I fear they shall always be cold. I lay here with a pillow in my lap, the only comfort for my long and lonely night, a poor substitute for my sweet Seungwan.

Do you remember that red dress I wore the day you graduated? I had snuck out of my parent’s house, worried they would see me in such a state. I remember the way it sparkled in the night and hugged my shape much in the way I had hoped you would hug my body. I could see it in your eyes when you looked upon me, longing and desire, clear in the flush of your cheeks. 

When you took me home, so soft and tender in your care of me, I only loved you more. It took me years to understand, to realize that you didn’t reject me out of lack of desire but because of it. I was still a child and you were an adult, moving to college and ready to begin a life. I worried I would be left behind but you didn’t do that.

You called me every day and we talked of your experiences. I envied you, leaving home and enjoying the broader world outside the little neighborhood of Seoul we had languished our teenage years through. You spoke of parties and new friends. I was worried you would find someone else and when you spoke of Joohyun, my heart would clench. But you never stopped calling me. You never stopped filling my head with words of praise and support.

When I struggled through arithmetic, you sat hours on a bus to come and help me study for a test. It had been the first time I’d seen you in months but it felt like not a day had passed. You were still the beautiful Seungwan I had always known, so full of laughter and smiles. Chubby cheeks I wanted to kiss and nibble. If only you had let me, but you were steady in your resolve.

You never told me you would be at my graduation party. When I saw you, my heart felt like it might explode, my head drunk with your presence on such a wonderful day. You said you had a present for me and I patted your pockets and started to search your bag but instead you only laughed. I begged to know and with a greasy wink and smile, you merely told me later. 

That was the night you first kissed me. Beneath the open sky, the moon large and bright on the horizon, you told me you had loved me. When I cried you kissed away my tears and I clung to you, all my fears of losing you gone in an instant. I spent the night in your arms, finding passion in an embrace, and in the morning sunrise, I was so full of love I thought I might burst.

Then you took me on our first date. You offered to take me anywhere in the world, even if it broke you. I thought you greasy but I knew, by the way you looked at me, you had meant it. The way your face lit up when I wanted to spend a day at the theme park, like a child given candy. Only I was your candy and I loved knowing it. Suddenly holding your hand in public felt risque and daring. We weren’t just two girls who were friends. We were girlfriends. Lovers. I wondered if anyone could tell in the way we talked and touched that you had been my first.

You rode the carousel with me over and over. I knew you were bored of it but did it anyway. I confess, I was testing your love. To see how long you would go without complaint because I was happy. You never once uttered a protest. I told you I loved you for the first time, making you blush. You said the same to me, with those eyes shining, a smile so big I thought it might blind me. Then, that night, you were gone back to school and I was left with just the memory of you. 

How I wish I had been as smart as you. If only I had been able to test into KAIST and go to your university. If I had been able to get away, to leave my mother, things could have been different. I know that by the time this letter reaches you, I will be on an airplane or in the United States. My mother has taken away my phone and soon I will be in another country, to live with a new family. She has remarried and I am lost. I have it only in my mind to break away and find my way back here as soon as I can. I promise.

I hope you can wait for me, Seungwan. I love you, more than I could ever express, and my heart feels like it will break. I will leave this letter with your parents. I hope it reaches you quickly.

Your Love,
Sooyoung

As her words died away, she could feel the hot tears pouring down her cheek. She blinked as her vision grew watery, a deep ache in her heart. She rolled her head back, sniffling loud and her hands shook. Joohyun was beside her, the woman’s voice a low whisper as she said, “I’ll get the matches.”

Seungwan nodded and as Joohyun slipped from the couch, she followed suit. Her bare feet on the hard floor felt unsteady as she turned, eyes towards the patio door and balcony that lay beyond it. She crossed her living room and the glass door open, the sudden rush of air pouring over her, the sounds of the city springing to life. The blares of horns and the squeals of tires, the sound of roaring wind, all a cacophony that echoed the disarray of her mind.

She leaned against the metal rail, the letter still clutched in her fingers, and she glanced down. Seven stories to the street and the world. Joohyun was beside her again, the woman placing a soft hand on her forearm. “I think burning it is a wonderful idea,” the woman said, her voice cool and calm, any emotions buried behind a facade of support. “Here.”

Seunwan looked at the book of matches, open, half of them gone. She looked from the letter to them, questioning, wondering if it was the right thing to do. In the end, she realized it wasn’t a matter of right or wrong, but necessity. “Can you light the match and hold it out?”

With a nod, Joohyun took a match from the book and dragged the red tip across the light strip. With a fwoosh of smoke, the end burst into flame and Joohyun held it out, one hand cupped about it to protect it from the wind. Seungwan watched the flame waver and sputter, flickering and fighting to stay alive against the wind. Quickly, she brought the bottom left corner of the letter to the flame and in an instant, it lit.

She watched as a black line burned it’s way up the paper, flames at her fingers as she held it. Turning, she held the paper out over the balcony, holding it between fingers at a top corner, silently watching as the words she’d read so often disappeared, falling away as black ash. They would be gone in their physical form but remain in her mind and her heart, but she knew that without them there to be read every year, reminding her of her Sooyoung, they would start to fade. 

As the flames neared her finger, most of the paper gone, she let it go. The wind took it, carrying the last fragment of the letter away, burning and floating, gone forever. She was surprised to realize she was glad it was gone. “I should have done that a few years ago,” Seungwan whispered, a slight sense of relief pouring across her.

Joohyun’s hand was on her back, gently patting as the woman said, “I agree. How about we go in and eat the chocolate and then I tuck you into bed?”

“How about,” Seungwan said with a half-hearted smile, “we sit on my bed, watch comedies on Netflix and eat the chocolates till we both fall asleep?”

“That,” Joohyun said with a bright smile, her voice full of hope, “is a proper way to get over heartbreak. Come on, Wannie.” With a smile in return, Seungwan took Joohyun’s hand and they stepped back into her apartment. She was still uncertain what she was going to do with Eric, but she was feeling better. More centered.

She only needed a bit of time, she thought. Just a bit of time to figure it all out.