--

Hyunjin grabbed the small table in her living room and harshly smashed it down to the ground, what was once was a table was now smashed to pieces, everything was broken, smashed to pieces, but they can never amount to the shattered pieces of Hyunjin's heart. Hyunjin tried to let everything out but they were still too much inside her, she felt overwhelmed. It was almost too much to handle, she felt confused, angry, hurt and broken, all at the same time.

Hyunjin stopped smashing whatever insight and finally stopped to take a breather, panting heavily. She led her hand unconsciously travel up to her neck, to her precious necklace, the necklace that she gave her. The thought of her angered Hyunjin, Hyunjin ripped out the necklace off her neck, gripping it hard and raising it up, setting her aim towards the floor.

But nothing happened.

She couldn't do it.

She could never do it.

Because she knew that deep down,

she could never let go.

Hyunjin felt defeated, she felt weaker, her energy draining away as she slowly brought her arm back down, Hyunjin stared at the necklace, it used to mean everything to her, it was everything. Hyunjin barely cried, she has never cried for a long time and plans it to stay that way, but this time, she broke her record, crying a river. 

Hyunjin clutched the necklace tightly against her chest as hot tears finally streamed down her face, they flowed and flowed out, Hyunjin knees bucked and fell to the floor, doubling over in pain. Her head was starting to hurt from the crying, she cried hard like never before.

Hyunjin has never felt so broken, she has never felt this much pain before, nothing physically can come close to the pain in her heart, broken and shattered by the one she loves.

"Hyunjin-ah! I got this for you!" An overexcited Heejin rushed over to Hyunjin, grabbing her arm to get her full attention, and it worked.

"What?" Heejin didn't answer her question but instead reached into her pocket, taking out the silver chain and presented it to Hyunjin. Hyunjin stared at it in shock, could it mean?

"You got this for me? What for? What's the occasion?" Hyunjin asked, still flabbergasted. Heejin only giggled at her reaction.

"Nothing! There's no occasion! I just wanted to get it for you? Something wrong with that?" Heejin beamed teasingly.

"No! Of course not! Thanks," Hyunjin spoke softer than she should, blushing a pink hue and a flattering heart.

"Your welcome, let's go before we're later for class," Heejin exclaimed, linking her arms with Hyunjin before bragging her off, making Hyunjin only blush more.

Hyunjin has never felt so played, was she just a toy to her? Something to play with? Hyunjin felt her heart sting at the memories, she wants to forget them even though she knew she can't.

Hyunjin used a lot of effort to get back up on her feet, walking off to her room, putting the necklace into her lockable drawer and locking it before walking away, never wanting to see it again. Hyunjin went over and sat on her couch, her house felt empty, it felt so lonely, the air was cold and the atmosphere was thick. Hyunjin misses when it was brighter, when the air was fresh and when the atmosphere felt like home.

Alas, that was only a fairytale.

"Hyunjin! Let's go to your house after school!" Heejin suddenly suggested during lunch.

"My house? What about your's?"

"My house is boring, there's almost nothing inside it, I like your house, it's very cosy and warm,"

"Okay then, whatever you want,"

"Sweet!"

After school, the duo immediately rushed to Hyunjin's house, not wanting to stay in the boring school any longer and having to deal with rowdy students and crowded hallways. As soon as Heejin stepped foot into Hyunjin's house, she bolted straight for the couch, jumping on it and sighing at its comfort. 

"Straight for my couch I see?" Hyunjin chuckled.

"Yes, I'm hungry make me some food,"

"This is my house though,"

"And I am your guest, don't be rude," 

"You're unbelievable,"

"My charms," Hyunjin shook her head at her best friend's words, she knows she's smirking into the couch at this moment, so true to her word she went and made some food, she was thankful her mom was such a great cook and taught her everything. Once Hyunjin was done, an idea came to her head, Heejin was currently laying flat on her stomach and it gives her the perfect opportunity to not be seen.

Hyunjin carefully sat the plate of food down on the table, careful to not make any noise and sneakily went over to Heejin, Heejin was either sleeping or resting but Hyunjin didn't care, she quickly went over and poked the sides of Heejin, making her body jerk up and a yelp came out of .

"Yah! Kim Hyunjin! Why would you suddenly do that?! You know I'm ticklish!" Heejin shouted at Hyunjin, thinking she's intimating but due to her small frame she looks like a puppy. Hyunjin only laughed hard in response, not being able to form words from the intense laughter.

"You're going to get it!" Heejin continued. Heejin launched at Hyunjin, catching Hyunjin off guard and letting her weight push Hyunjin down onto the couch, Hyunjin and Heejin started a tickle war, letting their laughter erupt off the walls and around Hyunjin's house, they let themselves enjoy their time being together, they were happy with each other.

What Hyunjin never knew was that she never felt the same.

Hyunjin chuckled softly, with a bitter smile plastered softly on her face, what a fool she was, what a fool she still is. Hyunjin clenched her fists tightly, letting them turn white as more tears streamed down her face. 

It was all her fault.

It had always been.

Every mistake was hers. 

It was about time she realised.

You will never know what you've done wrong until it hurts you.

Hyunjin shouldn't have fallen, she shouldn't have fallen in love, with her of all people. She shouldn't have fallen for the impossible. She shouldn't have fallen for a straight girl. Hyunjin knew she was setting herself for heartbreak as soon as she realised her feelings, even by then it was already too late to back out. Hyunjin has fallen hard and she wants to let go so desperately, but her heart won't let her.

People won't understand the pain of one-sided love, they will never understand. They will never understand how hard it is, to continue on, trying to live on knowing that the person they love will never love them back, how they get hyped by the smallest of signs even when they meant nothing. They would never understand living with false hope like it's nothing when it meant everything. People have happy endings, but some are just unfortunate.

Hyunjin is confused, she doesn't understand. She works hard, yet there's nothing that came out of her hard work, Hyunjin has seen it everywhere; in movies, shows, real-life and even among her friends, yet, why doesn't it happen for her? Hyunjin worked hard, something good should have happened, but all she got was nothing but pain in return.

Hyunjin knew she was a simp, she has accepted it. Hyunjin would do anything she tells her to and Hyunjin hates herself for that, she hates how weak she was for her, how she would do anything, she hates that no matter how many times she broke her heart, she would still do anything for her. 

"Heejin, can I talk to you for a second?" Hyunjin asked Heejin nervously, it was the last day of school, it was also the day that Hyunjin finally decided she would confess, it was now or never.

"Hm? Sure, what do you want to talk about?" Unknowing Heejin was smiling brightly at Hyunjin, too brightly for Hyunjin's liking, Hyunjin felt small and more nervous under Heejin's gaze, it was strong but she knew it meant the opposite.

"W-Well, I've been keeping this to myself for a long time now and I think its time for me to tell you," Hyunjin started.

"Sure! I'll always support you with whatever it is!" Heejin chuckled, oblivious of the situation. Hyunjin felt her words disappear in , she felt go dry as she opened but nothing came out. Heejin's gaze was still fixed and focused on her, Hyunjin wants to hide, she wanted to run, but she has Heejin's full attention on her and she didn't want to leave her behind. So Hyunjin decided to just wing it, she wants it to be over and done with so she opened and forced her words out.

"Jeon Heejin, I like you," As soon as the words left Hyunjin's mouth, she knew she had already regretted it, watching slowly as Heejin had the look of shock as she processed Hyunjin's words, however, Hyunjin never got the reaction she wanted, instead of a smile it grew into a frown. Time slowed down for Hyunjin at that very moment, watching slowly as Heejin's eyebrows furrowed down and Heejin's mouth opening.

"I have a boyfriend..."

It was that day that Hyunjin knew she had lost the battle she didn't know she was fighting for, that damn Hansol had to get her first, it was supposed to be her, she met her first, she befriended her first, she comforted her first therefore she should have her first.

But life never goes the way you want it to go.

Hyunjin finally released her clenched fists, watching the blood trickle down her palm after how her nails pierced through her skin, it wasn't painful. She was numb, her tears were long gone and stained her cheeks, Hyunjin's head was hung low, she was tired, that's all there is. She felt nothing and everything.

Hyunjin knew she shouldn't fight anymore.

She would never win anyway.

Hyunjin felt betrayed, she felt as if every touch, every word, every interaction with Heejin meant nothing, was for nothing, Heejin didn't even tell her she had a boyfriend, if she did she would have saved herself from the embarrassment of confessing. Hyunjin sighed, even if she did tell her, she would still be in this same state, sad, hurt and broken.

Having your love rejected was one thing, but seeing the love of your life happy and spending their time with someone else, someone else that they love, was a different thing. The pain pierces through the heart and clenches it tight, gripping it entirely, making your entire body weak, it stays there for a long while too. Knowing that it could have been you spending time with them and making them happy, knowing that you could have done something in the past to change the outcome.

And knowing that now, you'll have to turn your back on them, knowing they turned their back on you first, knowing that they no longer need the happiness and comfort from you and knowing you'll soon drift apart, leaving them with your unreturned feelings that never goes away and will forever haunt your heart. Knowing that you'll never get your happy ending, knowing damn well that giving up your feelings for them will be a hell to go through.

You know all these well, yet you still fell.

Hyunjin knew all these too, yet she still fell.

Pathetic.

Utterly foolish.

Hyunjin will never know whether falling in love with Heejin is intentional or not, and she could never tell what she wants, whether to regret falling for Heejin or appreciate it. Either way, she just wants it all to stop, she hates it, this confusing feeling, why can't she decide? Why is it so hard to decide? Why can't it just leave her alone? Why can't Heejin leave her alone? When can she stop thinking about her when she knows it's useless, she knows now that Heejin will never be thinking about her, so why can't she just stop?! Why must she be the one having sleepless nights thinking about Heejin?! Why must she be the one and only side of her love?! Why wouldn't it reach Heejin? Is she not good enough? What is she missing? What does that Hansol have that she doesn't?

The more questions that ran through Hyunjin's head, the more frustrated she gets, she just wants it all to stop. Hyunjin knew she shouldn't what she was about to do next, but she couldn't stop herself, it was all too much to handle, she was already halfway through walking to her room. She went to her bedside table and open the small drawer, there inside was a clean penknife, she knew she shouldn't be doing this, but she couldn't stop her body. She felt as if her mind and her body were apart, two different things as her hand had already reached for the penknife.

Hyunjin swore to herself that she really did try her best to stop herself, but soon her mind went blank as her body mindlessly positioned the blade on her forearm, just above the wrist. Hyunjin took in a deep breath, before letting go. Her arm forced the blade down, piercing through the skin the thick red liquid oozed out, her arm trailed the penknife down, opening up the cut more deeply before finally stopping at the end of her forearm, Hyunjin watched as the red blood continued flowing out of her arm, dripping down on the floor.

It was then realization hit for her. 

Hyunjin immediately dropped the penknife and held her arm, looking around before finally deciding to run to the bathroom, turning on the tap and held her arm underneath, letting the water wash away the blood, the water flowed down the cut, some water had seeped into the cut making it sting, Hyunjin hissed in pain as she withdrew her arm away. Hyunjin washed it for a few more seconds before grabbing some tissue to press against it, the blood was still flowing as she walked out, sitting on the couch again.

She never wanted to do that again.

Yet, it didn't hurt.

Or rather,

It felt quite nice. 

It didn't feel like what it feels when you cut yourself on accident, it hurt less when it was intentional. Hyunjin lifted up the tissue from her arm but it was still bleeding, it was starting to feel itchy, her skin around and along the cut started to get bumpy, Hyunjin didn't know why her skin was like that but she honestly really didn't care. She cared more about the fact that she actually cut herself. She shouldn't be proud.

For it should've never happened.

Hyunjin should have never fallen in the first place.

Hyunjin should have never got so close to Heejin in the first place.

It was all a misunderstanding.

But of what?

Hyunjin has no excuse for her feelings and actions.

But what was the point?

Was there never one in the first place?

Hyunjin has to accept it, sooner or later. She will never love her, she will never look at her the way she does, she will never accept her love because she already accepted someone else's.

Hyunjin hates this.

She hates this feeling.

This confusion.

This pain that only she feels.

She should have never fallen so deep, she couldn't crawl out, the opening was darker and darker for her to reach and see, she wants to reach out and grab it to pull herself up, but she's still falling, her surroundings were getting darker as the darkness consumes her. She opens to speak, but her voice was all choked up in , all lumped into one and unable to free itself, she was still falling, when will it stop? When will she hit the bottom? Is it a bottomless pit? Hyunjin slowly started to close her eyes as they suddenly felt heavy, she released all the tension in her body and let her muscles relax and let the darkness guide her.

"She will never love you, it's time to give up,"

Hyunjin felt as if everything shattered in front of her eyes, like glass shattering in front of her eyes. Hyunjin was back in her house, still seating on the same couch, in the same position. But everything was different, it was darker, everything was grey and white, what happened to all the colours? Hyunjin didn't feel pain anymore, she didn't know what she felt, she felt nothing. She was empty, everything was empty. Her eyes her darkness itself, black and empty. All her emotions are gone, it left her. 

Hyunjin hates losing.

But this time, she accepts her lost.

She's a different person now.

One with no emotions.

Nothing will bring her back.

She will never come back.

This is her life now.

It will never be the same.

Never.

________________________________

Please do not do self-harm. I regretted it.