Lia remembers it like it was just yesterday.

She just got back from Canada after spending her middle school years there and now she’s back to finishing the rest of her highschool in Korea. She was nervous to be back and knew absolutely no one. Well, except for one and that was Ryujin.

Ryujin was her childhood friend and the only one she managed to keep contact with through her years in Canada. And now that she’s back in Korea, she’s thankful that her parents enrolled her in the same school that Ryujin was attending as it was one less person to get used to.

A day before the start of term, her nervousness got the better of her and so she messaged Ryujin. ‘hey ryu, do u mind if we could eat lunch together for the first weeks of school? u kno i still don’t know anyone…’

And that was exactly Ryujin did the next day, and more. She fetched the older at her house so they could go to school together, toured her around the school, and walked her to class, saying she’ll come by to fetch her for lunch later and that she’ll take the older girl home as well. And it became a routine, even if Lia managed to make new friends out of her classmates. Lia just doesn’t know how it went from that to Ryujin suddenly carrying her bag for her, even if that meant Ryujin carrying two bags and to Ryujin bringing her snacks to eat as they walked to and from school. 

It was to a point where it felt empty and just wasn’t right if Ryujin wasn’t beside her. Lia felt guilty because Ryujin probably had her own friends at school to begin with, but Ryujin never complained and was more than happy to accompany the older, anywhere.

It wasn’t until someone from her class said “Hey Li, your girlfriend is coming. Better pack your things now.” did Lia begin to notice Ryujin’s actions, and how she actually wanted it from Ryujin. Lia didn’t even get mad at her classmate for saying that because that person wasn’t even insulting her, but genuinely just giving her a heads up.

But from then on, Lia began to look at Ryujin differently, carefully.

“Ryujin-ah.” Lia called the younger. They were on their way to Lia’s house and the younger was carrying both of their bags. “Why do you insist on carrying my bag for me?” Ryujin just smiled. “I just want to. You must be tired from school.”

Lia raised a brow. “But you were in school too. Give it to me. I’ll carry it from now on.”

Ryujin shook her head. “No. Let me. Erm. Here.” Ryujin fished out a plastic of gummy bears and handed it to Lia. Lia received it and noticed there were no orange bears as usual. She despised that flavor because it tasted like medicine but somehow, everytime Ryujin gave her gummy bears there weren’t any. “Say, Ryujin-ah.”

“Hm?”

“Where do you get these?”

“School cafeteria, why?”

Lia found it odd. She’s bought from there before and there were orange ones. “Then where did all the orange bears go?”

Ryujin slightly chuckled. “I didn’t think you’d realize.” She scratched the back of her head and Lia looked at her, waiting for an answer. “Well?”

“I ate them. I remember you don’t like the orange ones, so I ate them ahead.”

“But you don’t like the taste too.”

Ryujin shrugged. “It’s alright. It’s just gummy, unni.” She smiled.

Lia pouted. It wasn’t just gummy, not since Ryujin decided to do that for her without her even asking. Lia ate the gummy bears nonetheless, they were her favorite. Ryujin chuckles at her, Lia looked at her and she looked like a Christmas tree wearing two bags; one on her back, one on her chest. “Can you please let me carry my bag from now on? I’m starting to feel bad, you know.”

Ryujin sighed and removed her own bag from herself before handing it to Lia. “Here, mine is lighter.” Lia smiled, happily took it and wore it on her back. “Deal.”

Lia liked Ryujin, and it scared her because it wasn’t in a friendly way. Ryujin’s actions made her feel like there’s butterflies in her stomach, and every time she’s with Ryujin she feels all giddy and warm. But Lia also knew they were still young and it just might be a phase, so she didn’t act on it and she just let it.

But when she stepped into college and Ryujin wasn’t there, her heart ached and stomach felt empty. It was hard to get used to and get by for a whole year while she waited for the younger to  get into college as well. But she had to, because she didn’t want Ryujin knowing that she’s taking it badly because the younger might not focus on her last year of highschool and that might cause complications.

Few months in, and someone’s courting Lia. She didn’t tell Ryujin about it, because why would she? It doesn’t concern Ryujin anyway. Lia decided to give it a try, thinking that maybe it’ll help her get her mind off her silly little crush on Ryujin. But it only made everything worse as it just made her realize what she felt for Ryujin wasn’t just a silly little crush.

After three weeks of seeing the guy, she finally confessed that she’s not interested and thankfully, the guy was a sport about it.

But fate liked to play with Lia because that night, Ryujin decided to surprise her for dinner. Her stomach churned at the sight of Ryujin crouching down, waiting for her at her door. How was she supposed to look at Ryujin now, when now she’s sure that she’s in love with her?

She gulped and held her breath, walking towards the younger. Ryujin sensed someone approaching and met eyes with Lia, she smiled and stood up. “Unni!”

Lia smiled as well and immediately wrapped the younger in a tight embrace. Ryujin was clueless as to why the older was this touchy as she wasn’t usually so, but she just thought something must’ve happened in one of her classes and Lia just needed a hug. So she hugged her and patted her back. “I missed you too, unni. Is everything okay?”

Lia’s heart skipped a beat. She sure hoped that everything was okay and just nodded, to answer Ryujin. “I just missed seeing you, that’s all. Come on, let’s come in.”

“Ohh, unni. Have I told you?” Ryujin said, Lia was unlocking her door. “Hm?”

“I have this new friend, Chaeryeong. She’s just transferred this year and-” Ryujin went on, as they went inside Lia’s dorm. Lia just listened as she went to prepare some food but she can’t help but feel jealous. Whoever this Chaeryeong was, she must be so much fun around that she’s all that Ryujin is talking about, even as they ate.

What a sick way it was for destiny to play Lia like that; having her realize just hours ago that she loves Ryujin and now it’s telling her that Ryujin is preoccupied. And once again, Lia had to deal with her feelings without Ryujin knowing.

They kept in contact, as if Lia wasn’t even trying to get over her.

But her jealousy subsided when she was back home over the term break and finally met the girl. All those things Ryujin said about Chaeryeong was true, she was indeed fun to be around. Lia even thanked her, when Ryujin briefly left the two to go to the comfort room. “Thank you Chaeryeong-ssi.” Chaeryeong raised a brow at her. “For keeping Ryujin accompany.” Chaeryeong smiled. “Unni. You know that she’s only got eyes for you, right?”

Lia blinked. “Huh?”

Chaeryeong shrugged. “Just thought I should let you know. You’re all she thinks and talks about.” Chaeryeong started. “Did you know I once asked a favor from her to buy me some gummy bears because I was craving them? She did, but when she handed it to me there were no orange ones. I found it weird but it turned out that’s what she always did for you.” Chaeryeong laughed. “Back then, I just nodded and thought, she must really be missing you already.” Lia just smiled. She could feel her heart beat faster. Here we go again, I guess.

Lia got through the whole year just fine. She admits maybe she overacted a bit at the first half, but it wasn’t all that bad getting used to no Ryujin beside her. It was better because she became friends with Yeji, who convinced her that liking the younger wasn’t a bad thing and she shouldn’t be even trying to stop herself from doing so.

So now, the new school year approaches and it’ll be Ryujin’s first year in college. Lia promised she’ll help Ryujin around, afterall Ryujin enrolled in the same university as her, just taking up a different course.

Lia guided Ryujin around like how she did when Lia returned from Canada. Lia told her all she knew about the university, where to eat at certain times and where to spend some time alone if needed. Lia wanted Ryujin to settle in properly and quickly unlike how she did in her first year.

Lia was now more expressive of her affections towards Ryujin and that meant she was now touchy and into skinship. She didn’t realize that her hand naturally took Ryujin’s and would automatically hold the other after having to let go for a brief moment, like it’s magnetic. 

Lia smiled as she looked at their intertwined hands as they walked together out of the campus. She really liked holding Ryujin’s hand, it was a perfect fit. But today she feels bad, Lia’s classes ended for the day while it was Ryujin’s free day, she only went to campus to fetch the older, like the old times. “You know, Ryujin. As much as I’d like to relive our highschool days, promise me not to do this every time it’s your free day.”

Ryujin chuckled. “What do you mean, unni?”

“You should be studying instead of going out of your way to see me on your free day.” Lia pouted.

Ryujin weakly laughed. “I’m sorry unni, it’s just that we don’t get to spend time with each other as much. I mean, I know we’re both busy with our own classes. Like, aaah. What am I even saying…” She sighed, unable to convey her thoughts properly.

Ryujin’s words hit Lia like a truck. It was just a week after the midterms period and she can’t deny that she had been busy with her own classes and with her college friends that she hasn’t really met up with the younger as much as the first weeks. Lia didn’t know what to say in order to assure the girl, so she just stayed quiet and squeezed Ryujin’s hand. They continued walking and passed by a cafe. Lia thought of something.

“Ryujin-ah. How about a weekly study date?” Lia suggested. “I mean, at least we aim to do it weekly.”

Ryujin smiled and nodded her head like an excited kid. “Yes, please unni.”

And it became a thing, their thing. A weekly study date at a cafe nearby, sometimes even at the university library. All those sneaky glances, passing of notes and the times they played friendly footsies . Sometimes their study dates ended late at night that she’d make Ryujin stay over, even if the younger’s dorm was near. All she really wanted to do was sleep next to her and cuddle up to her and almost always, she’s successful, other times she’d find herself being the one cuddled by the younger. Lia was ecstatic, she wanted it to be like that forever with Ryujin. But she knew that it was just wishful thinking.

It was a term break and Lia was out with Yeji, just shopping when Yeji asked her for an update. “Update? What do you mean?” Lia was confused. Yeji sighed. “With what’s going on with you and Ryujin? Have you told her how you feel yet?” Lia gulped. “No.”

Yeji frowned at her. “I thought you did, you guys have been lovey dovey already with all the hand holding, sleepovers and such.” Lia sighed. “I know.” She answered in a low voice. “Do friends not do that? Like bestfriends?”

Yeji looked at Lia and realized Lia was genuinely asking. “Are you really still second guessing your own feelings for Ryujin?” Lia just pursed her lips, Yeji faced her and grabbed Lia by her shoulders to make her face her. “Lia, listen.”

Lia nodded and waited for whatever Yeji was about to say. “Friends can do those things too, without malice. Like, I can walk with you for the rest of the day while holding hands with you, sure, but it’s what you feel while you do it, is what makes it different.”

Lia nodded and sighed. “I know but...what if she doesn’t feel the same?” Yeji looked at her in disbelief, she’s seen the two flirt with each other and doubts that what Lia feels is one-sided but it’s just so hard to convince her friend that. Yeji sighed, for the nth time that day. “Well, we won’t know unless you ask, right?”

Lia was walking back to her dorm after her shopping and dinner with Yeji quite late, as they also talked about a lot of things. Lia just understood what Yeji meant earlier, she held Yeji’s hand earlier and the latter let her, but there was no warm feeling forming inside Lia’s heart, no giddiness. Lia finally understood and she didn’t need to ask Yeji to cuddle with her to realize. Lia knew Yeji was right about coming clean to Ryujin, but she just didn’t want to risk what she has with Ryujin right now, or ever. She’s content with how things are, that’s what she tells herself.

And once again, fate liked to play with her and she walked past a barbeque place and caught a glimpse of Ryujin inside. She stopped by the entrance for a while to look carefully and her eyesight didn’t disappoint, it was indeed Ryujin but she wasn’t alone and that was what disappointed Lia. She was drinking, with a bunch of others, maybe her friends? Or her classmates? But that wasn’t the disappointing part. The disappointing part was, she was all smiles while this girl beside her was all touchy with her. Lia just stood there, she had no clue what to do. She wasn’t Ryujin’s girlfriend to cause a scene to begin with, she was just her bestfriend. Just a friend. Lia took one last look at Ryujin, gulped and ran away from there without looking back.

It’s been weeks since then and it was a new semester. She hasn’t seen nor met up with Ryujin since that night. She’s been ignoring Ryujin, saying she’s busy with stuff with her classes and that she’ll make it up to her soon, she didn’t know if Ryujin bought it but she’ll just have to think that Ryujin did, in order for her to successfully avoid the younger just until this pain in her chest subsides. Just until it doesn’t hurt whenever that image of Ryujin from that night won’t bother her at night, anymore….Just until then.

She was about to fall asleep when her phone rang. She lousily grabbed her phone from her bedside table and saw who was calling. Ryujin. Her heart immediately beat fast, just by the sight of her name on her phone screen. She hesitated to answer it, thought that she could just message the girl in the morning saying she was already asleep when she called, but her finger betrayed her when it slid across the screen to answer the call.

“R-ryujinie?”

“Hello?” It wasn’t Ryujin’s voice, but it was a familiar one. “This is Lia unni, right? It’s Chaeryeong.”

Oh that’s why it’s familiar, but Lia still found it weird. Chaeryeong went to a different university than them, but it was just in the neighboring town, still in Seoul. They would meet up a few times but never had Ryujin went there without telling Chaeryeong or Lia first. “Yes, Chaeryeong. This is Lia. Why are you calling? ...using Ryujin’s phone?”

“Unni, Ryujin came here earlier asking me to drink with her and now she’s drunk and i can’t-- HEY STOP DRINKING ALREADY OHMYG----” Then Lia heard some bottles falling and Chaeryeong nagging Ryujin. It was after a while before Chaeryeong spoke to her again, “Anyways. Where was I, unni?”

“You said, Ryujin’s drunk…” And Lia felt guilty for it since she’s been ignoring Ryujin.

“Right. She’s a mess and I have to go to my dorm soon ‘coz I got curfew. I tried calling her a taxi but when the taxi arrived she wouldn’t leave and kept asking me to call you instead. Unni, please help.”

Lia got up from her bed and immediately grabbed a change of clothes from her closet. “I’ll come get her, just hang in there Chaeryeong-ah, send me the location.”

Lia arrived about forty minutes later, just in time for Chaeryeong to dash to her dorm just so she wouldn’t get locked out. She took Ryujin back to her dorm, and just as she helped Ryujin lie on her bed, she felt the younger’s hand pull her down with unexpected strength, making her fall on top of the younger while Ryujin immediately wrapped her arms around her. “Stay...please.” Lia heard Ryujin beg, her voice hinted of mixed emotions- hurt, longing and anger, just a few of the emotions Lia felt from Ryujin’s short request. Lia felt Ryujin hug her tighter. She gulped, tears were already forming in her eyes.  “Okay…I’ll stay for now .” She whispered as she relaxed into the embrace, putting her arms around the younger as well. They slept like that.

Lia was brought back to present when she realized Yeji’s just entered the room, she saw her friend pouting at her through the mirror. Lia faces her and smiles at her, it’s been a while since she’s met her same-aged friend, not after she left to go back to Canada just before their junior year in college. “Yeji!” She greets her, but Yeji’s still pouting at her. “What?”

“I hate you. You’re so cruel.” Yeji finally says.

Lia takes a deep breath, she knows what Yeji means. “I know…but I want her to be there.” Yeji nods and finally takes a look at Lia’s appearance, she smiles at her. “You look beautiful.” Lia smiles too. “Well, it’s not everyday that I get married, right?” She jokes, and they both chuckle but not for long.

“Have you talked to her, though? Before sending her the invite.”

Lia bites her lower lip and shakes her head. “I wanted to, but I was scared.”

“Scared of what exactly?” Yeji tries to probe deeper but Lia just keeps her silence. But it’s not like they both didn’t know what Lia was scared of anyway. Lia was scared of how both she and Ryujin would be like when they meet again.

It’s time.

Lia’s waiting in front of the church’s front door. She’s just moments away before marching down the aisle and she’s nervous. Would Ryujin even be there? Lia just wants to see Ryujin one last time before she commits herself to her groom. Just one last look at her face. She knows that if the younger girl doesn’t show up, it’s her fault. She left the younger girl behind years ago without saying anything, and everyday she’s felt guilty about it. She went back to Canada and continued her studies there, she cut herself off from Ryujin’s life. Looking back now, she should’ve stayed or just said something to Ryujin, but no, she chose to run away.

Her emotions must’ve been written on her face because she felt her dad squeeze her hand before linking their arms together. “Honey, it’s okay to be nervous.” Lia looks at her Dad and gives a small smile. Oh, how he had no clue… Her eyes are watery now.

The doors opened and the music started, signaling for her to start marching down the aisle. She and her dad start to walk, she sees her groom waiting at the altar, smiling brightly at her but her eyes search the crowd, everyone’s smiling at her and cheering for her but there was no sign of Ryujin. Lia felt a great pang in her heart. She expected it, but she still hoped. She saw a pouting Yeji who then nodded at her, she gave her a small smile and nodded back. Ryujin’s no appearance was expected and Lia knows she deserves the pain she’s feeling right now.

Her dad passes her hand to her groom. And soon after the priest starts the ceremony, giving an opening speech and Lia’s mind is too out of it to pay attention. Not until, a small noise comes amongst the crowd, Lia glances and she freezes.

Ryujin. Lia sees her shuffling her way through the seats, trying to get to the empty one next to Yeji. Lia’s eyes widened. She’s here. She came. Ryujin. She’s- Lia watches as Ryujin finally reaches the seat next to Yeji and settles there and finally looks at her, they lock eyes. Lia gulps, she’s still stunned, unbelieving that Ryujin actually came despite what she did to her. Lia sees Ryujin give her a thumbs up and a hint of a smile, trying to assure Lia that she’s okay but Lia can see through it and it hurts her even more.

I’m sorry. I don’t deserve you.