When Jiyong wakes up in the morning, it’s to an empty bed. He faintly remembers what happened last night and his stomach tightens uncomfortably. If he’s being honest, he doesn’t want to see Seunghyun today. It’s the way things are between them now and the fact that they both kind of seem to avoid certain topics, that make him dread an actual conversation. But he knows he can’t completely avoid him as it is their apartment - kicking the other man out wouldn’t really work. Ever since they decided to finally move in properly together, Jiyong thought that maybe now things would start to get better, that it would help them to get closer. And Seunghyun wasn’t exactly against the proposition either, he didn’t put up much of a fight when Jiyong suggested it which of course surprised him but then again, he didn’t give it much thought. It was Jiyong who moved most of his furniture first, as well as some of the shared art pieces he got from Seunghyun anyway. The other man started to move some of his artworks a few weeks ago as well but ever since the atmosphere has been weird and more tense.

So last night was bound to happen at some point but Jiyong was expecting it to be much worse. More like a timebomb that would explode and leave much more destruction than what actually happened. Or maybe the timing just got delayed, like a dud that could detonate any minute.

Jiyong rolls onto his back and his arm falls into the empty space on his left. The sheets are cold so Seunghyun hasn’t been laying there for a while now. It should scare Jiyong that he didn’t even notice that the source of warmth which usually makes him sleep way more peaceful has been gone at some point – but it doesn’t. He acknowledges it yes but that’s about it.

There are noises coming from down the hall, probably the kitchen and Jiyong drapes an arm over his eyes, trying not to let the mental picture of Seunghyun trying to make breakfast creep into his mind. He has so many fond memories of moments like this stored in there and all of them are special – he doesn’t want them to turn into negative memories just because now it’s complicated. Another noise that sounds more like a crash and then he can hear a few loud curses even through the closed door. Seunghyun doesn’t swear in public but in private it’s a whole other story.

A little worried about the kitchen, Jiyong finally sits up and drags himself out of the bed. He grabs the pair of sweatpants that is laying at the end of the bed and out of habit reaches for one of Seunghyun’s hoodies that hangs neatly over one spare chair, but he stops himself before he can grab it. As much as he’d just love to bury his nose in the fabric to inhale the familiar scent of his lover's aftershave which usually calms his nerves and makes him feel like he belonged, he decides against it. He’s too upset with the other man and drowning in one of his clothes wouldn’t set the statement he tries to make clear – that they can’t go on like this.

The realisation hits him a little harder than he initially thought.

So instead, Jiyong shuffles into the walk-in closet and pulls out a fresh, thin short sleeved shirt before he quietly opens the door to head towards the kitchen. On his way, a little furball makes its way past him and a faint smile creeps onto his lips. Ever since Dami took care of his beloved Iye while he was away, she got used to her new home and Jiyong decided that she could stay with his sister. It was actually Seunghyun’s idea to get a new one together and at that time it sounded like a great idea – now, he’s not so sure anymore. Jiyong watches as the cat retreats to the bedroom and continues his own walk to the kitchen. He can smell the faint scent of food and coffee lingering in the air and wonders if Seunghyun seriously made breakfast. And maybe a small part in him even hopes that it would initiate the start of the conversation he kind of promised him they’d have in the morning.

But this flicker of hope is quickly put out when Seunghyun comes into his sight, just rounding the corner – fully dressed. Like he is ready to leave the apartment. Jiyong presses his lips together into a tight line when he sees the surprised look on his hyung’s face once he spots him.

“Oh.” Seunghyun’s lips part a little and he stops in his tracks. “I didn’t know you are up already.”

A humourless laugh escapes Jiyong’s throat and he shakes his head.

“Well as you can see I am. And you? About to leave I see?” he asks and his voice is colder than he intended it would be.

Seunghyun looks back at him with an impassive look, his lip not even twitching and that makes Jiyong so angry somehow. How can he be so indifferent? How?

“Fine, don’t answer me, it’s okay, I’m used to it by now. Have fun wherever you are going. It’s not like we were supposed to have like a talk this morning or anything,” he continues bitterly and walks right past the older man when he feels a hand curling around his upper arm, stopping him. 

Jiyong turns a little but doesn’t dare to look up into Seunghyun’s face, stares at his hand instead, his eyes fixating on the scar just below the knuckle of his pointer finger. He can see how the fingers tighten their grip just a little bit.

“Don’t be like this,” Seunghyun mumbles and at this, Jiyong’s head snaps up. Is he serious right now?

“’Don’t be like this.’ Seriously? What is it with you lately huh? Last night you told me that sure we can chat this morning and believe me when I tell you that I was genuinely surprised you even suggested that. Because we don’t do this anymore, hyung. We don’t talk anymore, we don’t have breakfast together anymore, you’re running out on me thinking I am still asleep? Were you just on your way to maybe greet me good morning like you used to do? Or did you forget something in the bedroom that you wanted to grab real quick before you vanish for the whole day again, only to come back tonight so we can sit in silence again?”

The words won’t stop coming and with every second, Jiyong grows more frustrated. He tries to shake his arm free from the older man’s grasps but it’s no use, the fingers only tighten around his arm as if he doesn’t want Jiyong to leave. ing perfect.

Silence settles in between them and Jiyong hate this. He hates it so much and he knows he is moments away from snapping. And he fears there would be no turning back once he did.

“For ’s sake Seunghyun just say something. ing talk to me. Talk to me like you used to ! Why can’t we have one decent conversation anymore without one of us getting worked up or defensive? Or without having this awkward atmosphere around us that feels more like a burden than anything else? You can’t tell me you didn’t notice that,” he whispers and something shifts in Seunghyun’s face at that.

“I did,” is all he says, eyes still locked with Jiyong’s who doesn’t know what he should do with this kind of information. So, his boyfriend did notice the change in their relationship, that they slowly started to drift apart and he did...nothing?

“You did.” He deadpans and finally pulls his arm free. “You did and didn’t try to change anything?”

Another silence.

“Great that’s just...great really. What should I do with this information now? To know that my-” Jiyong stops mid-sentence to evaluate his choice of words. Right now, he feels like the boyfriend term just doesn’t sit well so he decides against it. “To know you don’t actually give a about this, about us anymore?”

Maybe he’s being overdramatic now, or maybe he is not and it just needs to come out. He reached a breaking point and he is tired of fighting, not this early in the morning and preferably not ever in the future.

“Go wherever you want, do whatever you want, I don’t care. You hear me? I’m tired of waiting, I’m tired of making a fool out of myself just so you can acknowledge me,” Jiyong mutters and without giving the other man another glance, he pushes past him until he stands inside the kitchen. There’s an empty plate and cup resting in the sink, right next to it he finds a bowl with some leftover rice that looks freshly made. A frustrated noise escapes through his nostrils, so Seunghyun did think of him in some way. He’s just about to make himself a cup of coffee when he hears the front door opening and closing quietly, but he feels nothing at all.

He feels – numb.

- 

“I just don’t get him,” Jiyong groans as he is sorting through the dirty laundry, phone pressed between his ear and shoulder. “I mean I knew what I was getting into when we decided to give this a shot but now, I’m not so sure about the knowing part anymore.”

On the end of the other line, Youngbae sighs.

“Come on, it’s Seunghyun we’re talking about here. Are you sure he’s not in one of his...phases again?”

Jiyong snorts and turns over a crumpled shirt with daisy prints.

“Then he’s in this phase for a pretty long time already.”

“Hey all I wanted to do is giving you a possible explanation for his behaviour. You said it’s awkward and weird between you two? Think about what he went through, what we all had to deal with. I think we all are a little damaged and changed, we’re not trainees anymore after all. Life kicked in and everyone deals with these kinds of situations differently,” Youngbae explains and Jiyong huffs.

“Which side are you on here?” he mumbles but his friend only chuckles.

“I’m not on anyone's side. I’m just saying that maybe you guys should talk about this. And I know it can be exhausting, to always be the one to initiate it but just sitting this out is just as bad don’t you think? You have been together for so long, stood through every scandal and rumour and even survived the military time, it’s worth working through this isn’t it?”

Jiyong drops the pair of sweatpants he just pulled out from under the bed on the comforter and runs a hand over his face. Because somehow, he gets where Youngbae is coming from and that his words sound reasonable but there’s this petty side of him that is still reluctant to be the one to start solving their problems.

“I’m not saying that I don’t feel anything for him anymore because that would be a lie. I...I love him like I never loved anybody else but the way he treats me just makes me feel so unloved. And I want things to be good again between us, it’s just hard to even get through to him you know?” Jiyong explains and flops down onto the bed, staring at the ceiling. “He only looks at me wit