The day he left me, I brought him daffodils.

It was cold that night. A gentle breeze swirled through the trees, it’s chill just keen enough to raise goosebumps on exposed skin--just enough to almost take your breath away. Autumn was undoubtedly my favorite season. Although the world was at its most serene, it was a time where nature begged us to let go, much like the leaves that fell nimbly from weary trees. At the time, I felt almost reluctant to part with such a night, to set foot in the bleak territory of reality.

The inside of the hospital seemed colder than it did outside, but in a different kind of way. In a biting, austere sort of way. I clutch the daffodils to my chest and take the path I’ve traveled many times before. Down the hall, to the left. It’s usually just me at this hour of the night. Usually.

Only this time it was different. Wednesday nights were supposed to be my time with him, mainly because his parents don’t like me, but today I wasn’t the only one outside his room. Everyone was: his mother, father, brother, sister. Why would they try to ruin the one day that he was mine?

His father must have noticed me walking in their direction. He quickly whispered something to the family and rose to meet me halfway. I didn’t want to listen to what he had to say, but the anguish that haunted his gaze stopped me in my tracks and nearly brought me to my knees. I knew then. I knew.

“No.” I feel like I’m falling.

 “Beomgyu-ssi. Please understand. They did everything they cou—”

 “What do you mean did? Why aren’t they doing? What’s going on?”

 “They can’t help him anymore. He isn’t strong enough.”

My eyes filled with frigid tears that burned like ice. I shook my head frantically unable to process, unable to comprehend that the moment was now. I wasn’t ready! They were all lying—they had to be. I pushed past his father, ignoring the miserable stares I received from the rest of the family. It was too fast. Everything was happening too fast and I was falling, falling…

The day we found out, we were practicing the choreography for that week’s club event. For some reason, he just couldn’t get the moves that we had been practicing for weeks before. Every jump he stumbled, every turn he fell. He said he’d been feeling off for a couple days, but he thought it was probably just a bug. I begged him to go to the clinic, just so he could get checked out because a cold can sometimes get serious, you know?

So, I had taken him, that precious boy, to the very hospital that I stood in now. I held him as we waited for his name to be called. I held him as the doctor said he needed additional tests to rule out anything more serious. I held him when he cried because of how serious everything was really about to become.

 ALS has no cure. It simply progresses, and steals those moments that are most precious to us. In a frozen hell, I sat there, numb, as it took him from me and took everything from him. I could do nothing but be there. I cradled his face in my hands when he screamed about how his legs won’t let him dance anymore, won’t let him be free. I carried him when his body could no longer support itself. I endured his malicious outbursts as he dealt with his grief in all its stages. As his only foundation, I watched as he became so very weak. As such, the only option I had was to become unbearably strong.

But as I stood in front of that door that I’d walked through many times before, I found my pillars crumbling. Everything that we’d fought for was ending, just like that. How could I be his rock when there was nothing left to stand on?

He needs you. Fight for him. Put yourself back together. For him.

With a strength I didn’t know I still had, I opened the door, eyes closed.

“Beommie?”

 He could barely say it, so it hardly came out as more than a whisper. This thing, it’s really gotten him. I took a deep breath and opened my eyes.

 “It’s me, Taehyunnie.”

He’s positioned on his back with his hands folded on his stomach, eyes staring straight up at the ceiling. I knew that he couldn't look at me, otherwise he would have done so already. I buried my face in the daffodils, in an attempt to banish the fragility that had threatened its way into my mind. I could do this. For him.

 I walked over to him and set the daffodils on the bedside table, “I brought you your favorites, Hyun. Daffodils.” His unblinking eyes shone brilliantly as I plucked one from the bunch and set it in his hand, delicately. I gently brushed away the tears that rolled down his cheeks with my thumb, and looked at him.

He was so tired. So, very tired.

“Stay,” he breathed softly, “Stay with me tonight.”

“Of course I will, angel.”

I took off my shoes and crawled into the small bed, carefully shifting his weight so that his head rested on my chest. I his hair as I kissed his forehead and then his lips. I loved him so much it hurt.

“The daffodils,” he sighed, “Bring them?”

I wasn’t really sure what he meant, but I reached over and grabbed the bouquet off the table. I looked at him, questioningly.

“Place them...around us. Please.” I did as he asked, laying every flower individually on the pillow, on the comforter, and in the spaces on either side of us. Finally, I placed one behind his ear and smiled faintly at him. He looked so radiant, showered in a garden of golden blossoms.

“Wow,” I murmur and hold him closer to me.

Autumn is a time of letting go and finding peace in the serenity of blue skies and crimson leaves. As each leaf wanders, there is a feeling of longing and loss, just enough to make your heart ache. But they must all fall eventually and become a part of the earth, once again.

“Beommie?”

“Yeah, Hyunnie?

“I’m...sleepy.”

Falling, falling….

I built my pillars, steadied my heart, “Rest, angel. I’ll be here.”
“You promise?”

“I promise.”

With daffodil petals in his hair, the love of my life closed his eyes for the last time.