Disclaimer

I want to put it out there that this is simply a review from my perspective. Unless your story is the best in the world, there are going to be more critiques than compliment because I am trying to point out the things that you can improve on. You shouldn't feel disheartened, want to stop writing or feel like I'm a nasty person because of the review. I want the best for your book and want to help you flourish as an author. There is no malicious intent behind my reviews, as all I'm using is honesty. 

Just to make it clear, I review the first three chapters very intricately and then have an overall section at the end that covers that section as a whole. The reason I do this is that if the mistakes in the third chapter are the same as the first, then that mistake will most likely be found throughout the book. It would take weeks if I pointed out every mistake in every chapter. Also, you will see that there are things in bold writing. These are the corrections I made for specific parts, but if I found the same mistake multiple times, then I didn't write it down. It will be in the overall section though.

Okay, thank you for reading, and let's get onto the review.

 

Freaky Friday

By twicevelvetzone_28

Title 5/5

I think the title goes hand in hand with the story as it relates to the movie. However, this title could go both ways if someone has seen the movie because if they didn't like it or don't want to read something related to it they won't click, but if they did like it and want to see that concept then they will. However, I think it's an appropriate title for the story and I would want to read it.

Cover 2/5

I don't think the cover relates to the story at all. The story is about Nayeon and Sana switching bodies, yet this cover is just showing their faces and Sana isn't even looking at the camera. I think the comet that switches them could've been incorporated somewhere on the cover, or simply put Mina in the middle instead of Sana since she is in the middle of the love triangle. However, I won't deny that the merging of the pictures together looks good, and cleary a lot of hard work was put into it. I just think that it could be altered to fit the story more because if you just saw this cover, you would have no idea what this story is about.

Description 3/5

Going back to the description after reading the story is a bit confusing with the line 'She's basically an outcast', because nowhere in the story do I recall her being treated badly. Despite this, I feel like the description is pretty good but could be structured in a way where you aren't just saying statements. The only lines that are actually relevant are the last two because those are describing what happens in the story. I think you could add a bit more without explicitly giving out what happens but enough that we have an idea of the content.

Grammar 3.5/10

Chapter 1:

You have made everything on separate paragraphs when they really shouldn't be. You should use a new paragraph when you introduce a new topic/idea, when the time or location changes, or when a new character starts to speak. The first five lines are all talking about how beautiful she is, so they should be in the same paragraph. The fifth sentence shouldn't have a full stop before 'causing'. I would correct it to, 'As I kept staring at the angel in front of me, I tripped causing my books to fall on the floor'. You have a faulty tense sequence in the sixth sentence. 'I sighed and began to pick it up' would be correct. Yet again, you used the wrong tense in the sentence talking about Mina having a big smile across her face. Your story is in the past tense, but you randomly used 'has a big smile' instead of 'had a big smile'. The problem with using first-person is that you can repeat the word 'I', which becomes tedious for the reader. Try to find more sentence starters. For example, you could have written 'Our fingers touched briefly as I hesitantly reclaimed the book from her hand', instead of starting it with 'I'. The wrong tense again, as it should be 'Even the sound of it was music to my ears'. 'I heard her call while looking behind me'. Once again, you have used 'I', which makes it sounds like narration after Mina says to wait for her. I would change it to something along the lines of '"Babe, wait for me!" she called while looking behind me. The abrupt sound of a locker closing reached my ears. Immediately, I knew it was her'. 'My heart broke, and jealousy engulfed my heart' has the repetition of my heart, making it not sound too great. 'Instantly, jealousy engulfed my heart, crushing it within the second'. The first description you give of Nayeon needs serious work. I know you are using the commas for a list, but try and shorten it down or use separate sentences. 'Since I'm nowhere near Nayeon's level'. After you change location to the cafeteria; the number of times you use 'I' needs to be reduced. 'God, why is she acting so nosy?' If you are going to cuss, then write it properly. The asterisk in 'sh*t' makes it look childish. 'as I sit on the table'? Don't you mean 'as I sat at the table', or 'as I sat on the chair'? Or do you mean they are sitting on top of the table? You could rephrase this so that it's more clear.

Chapter 2:

There are tense problems within the first four lines again. 'This was the happiest day of my life! I never knew something like this would happen'. There is a typo. 'Sana, how many times do I have to tell you? I feel the same way'. There's another typo. 'Get your hands off of my girlfriend'. 'Blood-red' is a strange way to describe the colour of a grade mark, and I would change it. Instead of using all caps to emphasise something; you should use italics. You need to sort out the paragraphing in this book because I don't know who is speaking. Who says "Sana-yah" and hugs her? Jeongyeon or Tzyuyu? You need to make it clear. You can't use speech marks in the middle of dialogue to show thoughts. When Jeongyeon is saying what she thought about the empty house, you made this mistake. I'm sorry but I don't understand who is speaking with this whole party situation. You need to state who is speaking after the speech, in the same sentence; not on a different paragraph.  'Tip over yourself' sounds unnatural and doesn't make sense. 'Mina gently tapped my shoulder, waking me up'. 'It's been a long time since we've unwound at a party' 'Just go in there yourself'

Chapter 3:

What does 'before I fell in' mean? 'and began to arrange his equipment' 'I'll message you when I get home' Again, the use of an * in