Nothing good ever lasts.

 

Byulyi should know this better than anyone else. She should know better than to mess with a tourist, even if it’s Joohyun. She should’ve known better than to fall for someone so temporary.

 

Joohyun was meant to be a distraction – not a replacement for Yongsun.

 

Some things are just out of her control and yet, she doesn’t regret the months they’ve spent together at all – to hell with her feelings and the confliction in her heart.

 

Lifting herself up aimlessly, Byulyi decides to head home, she needs to talk to someone to get her mind off things. In times like these, she’s exceptionally grateful that Wheein and Hyejin decided to pass over to Eden with her, at least she didn’t have to be alone with her thoughts. Going home early on a Saturday is an unfamiliar feeling, she hasn’t been back early for months, who would’ve thought that coming home early would be a bad thing?

 

The two women are idly lounging on the couch, watching a movie from the newer generations with a bowl of popcorn in between them. They alternate between laughing and making ty jokes about the movie – their mood is a stark contrast to how the rapper is feeling.

 

“ You’re home early, did something happen? “ Hyejin is the first to notice Byulyi trudging depressingly through the front door.

 

One look at their unnie’s distraught expression and the two best friends instantly know that something’s wrong. The years they’ve spent together aren’t for nothing because now, the three are practically family. It’s easy to tell when something is bothering whichever one of them and the others would do their best to comfort them. Wheein clears the popcorn and pats the space between them, urging their unnie to join them.

 

Byulyi feels like crying when she sees the younger woman’s gesture, she collapses onto the couch without a second thought and begins to cry. The two wrap their arms around their unnie tightly, Wheein whispers soothing words while Hyejin pats her head comfortingly while cooing softly.

 

They’ve seen Byulyi cry a couple of times now, rarely when she was alive, but more often in Eden. It happened a lot more in the beginning, when her heart was heavy with grief and the absence of Yongsun was a little more than she could handle. The two were always there and they always will be, but there’s a limit to their empathy.

 

Wheein feels it’s a little strange because she hasn’t cried in months, not since she began meeting Joohyun-unnie for their Saturdates. After being friends for a lifetime, Wheein and Hyejin have mastered the skill of communicating without words. The shorter girl shoots Hyejin a confused look and the other girl could only mirror her reaction. They didn’t know why their unnie came home crying and this time, it definitely isn’t about Yongsun.

 

“ Do you want to tell us what’s wrong, unnie? “ Hyejin asks after Byulyi cries her eyes out for a solid ten minutes and is reduced to a sniffling mess between them.

 

Wheein hums in agreement as she wipes the tears and snot from Byulyi’s face, “ Only if you want to. “

 

Byulyi’s breath is shaky but she tries to get a hold on herself, her friends wouldn’t be able to help her if she just continued crying. She exhales deeply and sits up, hugging her knees in the process. Digging her fingernails into her palms, she gains enough courage to speak.

 

“ Joohyun didn’t show up today. “ 

 

Wheein and Hyejin understand the situation with one sentence from Byulyi. 

 

One of the biggest reasons they barely make any new friends is because the strangers they’d have fun with are mostly tourists, so they never know when they’re going to stop showing up. It’s easier to have no strings attached to those on the trial. It’s an unwritten rule in Eden, even when they were tourists themselves, it’s a rule that the residents followed to save themselves the heartbreak and loss. For the most part, the trio is happy to be by themselves, even in death, some things just don’t change.

 

Byulyi is the first one to break this rule in their group because of Joohyun.

 

“ Do you know what happened? Did she say anything last week? “ Hyejin tries to ask for more details but Byulyi merely shakes her head.

 

“ What if she died, Hyejin-ah? Would she just leave without saying goodbye? “ the rapper sniffles as she buries her face in the maknae’s chest. 

 

“ No, she wouldn’t, “ Hyejin coos reassuringly while her unnie’s head, “ I don’t think Joohyun-unnie would be so cruel. “

 

“ Maybe something happened in real life, like she’s busy. Maybe her friends decided to visit and she forgets to log in. “ Wheein offers suggestions in an attempt to ease the worries in Byulyi’s heart, though she feels like it’s a futile attempt.

 

Hyejin nods in agreement, “ Yeah, don’t worry, unnie, I’m sure she’ll show up next week. “

 

There is no way of communicating with the living when you’re a resident in Eden, so there is no way of finding out what happened to Joohyun.. Ghosts remain as ghosts so the living can continue on with their lives.

 

The two can’t seem to find the right words to comfort their unnie, but to Byulyi, their presence is enough for now. She stays like that for a while, wondering if she should air all her worries to them, Yongsun would’ve gotten jealous and smacked the living out of her. The time ticks by slowly, the two maknaes don’t say anything even though a full hour has passed since Byulyi came home crying.

 

it, Byulyi decides, there is no one else left and these two are going to be her companions for however long forever is.

 

“ I think I’m starting to like Joohyun. “ the rapper confesses after an extremely long period of silence.

 

The secret that she’s been keeping inside for weeks finally comes to light but she doesn’t know how to feel about all of it, she should feel some sort of relief but all she can really feel is the guilt. She spends many nights ruminating on the reasons why, some nights, she chalks it up to the fact that she’s still living, without Yongsun.

 

She feels guilty for being happy without Yongsun.

 

But sitting alone on that empty stage with nothing but her thoughts to swallow her whole, she realises that it’s not because she’s living on without Yongsun, it’s because she’s falling in love with someone other than Yongsun.

 

Wheein, who is on the verge of falling asleep, sobers up instantly. She stares wide-eyed at her unnie before eyeing Hyejin with a look of confirmation but Hyejin is equally as surprised but hides her shock much better than her best friend.

 

“ Yah, unnie, are you joking right now? If you are, this is a very elaborate prank … “ the pup-like girl pokes Byulyi in the arm, earning a soft whimper from her unnie.

 

Without looking up, she answers, “ I’m not, I’m scared she’d leave me like Yong … There’s no logical reason for why I feel this way if I didn’t ...“

 

She hasn’t talked about this with anyone, not including other friends in this world. Nobody knows how she truly feels until now. 

 

“ She kissed me. “

 

The instant the words left the rapper’s lips, Wheein and Hyejin are dealt another shocking blow, one that leaves them stuttering for the right words. They’re both speechless to say the least but one look at Byulyi and they know this is real and not a well-executed prank.

 

“ So … She likes you too …? “ Wheein asks slowly, her eyes narrowing as she picks her words with caution.

 

Byulyi could only respond with a light shrug, that isn’t exactly the issue right now. “ I don’t know, Wheein-ah … I don’t care if she likes me, I just need to know if she’s still alive. “ 

 

As much as she’s gone over this so many times, including talking it out with Joohyun, the fact stands that when Yongsun made her choice to leave, it hurt Byulyi a lot, more than she thought it would. She could only lie to herself to a certain extent, but her heart hurts every time she thinks of how easily Yongsun rejected the chance to live forever with her and she’s scared that Joohyun is going to do the exact same thing to her.

 

“ Yong said she loved me for an entire lifetime but she still left, “ Byulyi tries to speak but she’s choking up on her tears, “ and I know that Joohyun is going to leave too ... I don’t need her to love me if she’s going to leave me. “

 

Hyejin looks down sympathetically at the rapper, truth is, she didn’t know why their leader chose to leave. She always thought the answers lied between her and Byulyi, but looking at the situation now, maybe there was no reason at all.

 

“ Joohyun-unnie won’t leave just like that, “ Wheein reassures softly, “ the least she could do is say goodbye. “

 

“ She won’t leave without saying goodbye. “ Hyejin adds on firmly with a nod, neither of them wants to see their unnie like this.

 

Byulyi sniffles slightly, wiping away her tears with her knuckles, “ What if she’s avoiding me? What if I never see her again? “

 

Hyejin sighs softly, it’s a delicate situation but ripping off the bandaid might be better than to let Byulyi wallow in her hurt. “ What can you really do, unnie? If Joohyun-unnie wants to avoid you, there’s nothing you can do about it. But she wouldn’t do that to you, she won’t put you through this if she had a choice. She’ll be back next week. “

 

Deep down, Byulyi knows that Hyejin has made a good point, but part of her is still terrified that Joohyun has died. She has too many emotions to work through but she tries her best to sort them out bit by bit.

 

" I feel guilty. " the rapper confesses softly, baring her heart out to the two girls, she needs to talk before her feelings overwhelm her, " I've spent a lifetime with Yong and it's barely been a few years and I'm falling for someone else. I can't help but feel like I'm the bad person here. "

 

Wheein doesn't have to think long for a response, " What's wrong with falling in love again? Deep down, you know you'll always love Yongsun-unnie and it won't ever change. You liking Joohyun-unnie now doesn't mean you've stopped loving her. "

 

The shorter girl then nudges her best friend to agree with her, causing Hyejin to hum aloud in agreement quickly.

 

Byulyi sniffles as she takes in everything Wheein has said, it's true she still loved Yong. Even after all this time, even after processing her hurt, learning to be okay without Yong didn't mean that she's stopped loving her.

 

" For what it's worth, I think you and Joohyun-unnie could have something special too. " Hyejin murmurs.

 

" If she comes back even. "

 

" What are you going to do if she does? Are you going to tell her? " Wheein presses, earning a glare from Hyejin signalling that it isn’t the right time.

 

" I don't know, Wheein-ah. What's the point of telling her if she doesn't want to stay? Having feelings only complicates things. "

 

Hyejin exhales softly, " You can be another reason for her to stay. "

 

" Would she even listen? "

 

" If she kissed you, I'm willing to bet she has some feelings. Talk it out with her, then go from there. You have to let her know, maybe you can make her want to live. "

 

“ I hope so. “ she murmurs in exhaustion, feeling emotionally drained from the night she’s just been through.

 

Hyejin hums softly, patting her unnie soothingly. Byulyi doesn’t try to fight anymore, she has too many thoughts in her head and all she wants to do is shutdown.

 

---

 

A full week has passed and Byulyi is in a state of wondering if she’ll ever be okay by her lonesome. Without her distraction, it feels like all the progress she’s had with letting Yongsun go is regressing. Her thoughts dart between Yongsun and Joohyun, thinking of either person is equally tormenting so she opts to drink her sorrows away with her alcohol tolerance set to low. 

 

Saturday arrives quickly because if she’s not out, she’s drinking till she blacks out.

 

As much as she wants to forget, she can’t forget about her Saturday routine. She miraculously pulls herself together before heading for the stage, if she didn’t, she’s sure Wheein and Hyejin would try to stage an intervention soon enough. It’s been a pathetic week for her and miserable is an understatement of how she really feels.

 

Some part of her still clings onto the hope that Joohyun will appear again, but the other part is prepared to wait alone till the clock strikes midnight. Then, she’ll leave with a broken heart and a lesson learnt. 

 

She arrives a little after 8pm, not holding onto much hope that she’ll see the leader. But she’s proven wrong within seconds.

 

Bae Joohyun stands in her usual spot, waiting for her with a small smile. Seemingly a little weary but nonetheless, alive.

 

Byulyi stands frozen in her spot, relief washing over her while her tears threaten to drown her. Her mind goes blank considering how she’s been picturing and preparing for the worst scenario possible, she hasn’t imagined one where Joohyun actually shows up. Byulyi swallows nervously as the leader approaches her, holding back all urges to embrace her tightly.

 

“ Sorry I didn’t show up last week, “ Joohyun apologizes as she comes face to face with the rapper, “ I was a little too sick to use the system. “

 

“ Oh … “

 

The vocalist tilts her head slightly and cups the rapper’s cheeks with her hands, guiding her eyes to hers. Her absence must’ve caused a shift in their usual lighthearted dynamic, the rapper is never this quiet with her.

 

Or maybe it’s because of what Joohyun did on the eve of the new year.

 

“ Are you okay? “ she asks softly, staring into Byulyi’s blank eyes.

 

Okay?

 

Okay wouldn’t even begin to describe what she’s been through this past week. She’s been drinking herself to death, trying to run from the thoughts that never seem to stop tormenting her. She’s been making stupid resolutions and writing confessions with nothing but skepticism in her heart because she doesn’t know if Joohyun will ever be back. She’s been punching walls, jumping off cliffs, doing anything to get rid of this heavy burden that comes with the feeling of love.

 

It’s like being in a nightmare you can’t get out of, it happened with Yongsun before and now it’s happening with Joohyun too.

 

She hates the feeling of falling in love with someone you can’t have.

 

Her thoughts are interrupted when she finds Joohyun’s arms wrapped around her. The older woman buries her face in the rapper’s chest and holds Byulyi tightly, offering whatever comfort her presence could provide.

 

Byulyi blinks a couple of times as she returns to reality, she glances down at the smaller girl who’s holding her with all her might and she exhales softly. Her heart has been through a trainwreck of emotions this week and it’s much too sore to feel anything but fear and worry. She stands frozen in the arms of the very woman who’s caused this anguish, and as much as she wishes her anxieties would melt away with Joohyun’s touch, she can’t seem to relax.

 

“ I was worried about you … “ Byulyi admits softly without returning the hug, if she isn’t aware of her feelings, perhaps she would’ve basked in the affection.

 

Joohyun pulls back slightly, her arms still wrapped around the stiff rapper, “ I'm sorry … I’m here now. “ she apologizes with a small smile.

 

But for how long? The question echos in the rapper’s head for the nth time.

 

A silence falls upon the duo, neither one is exactly sure what they should do next. Should they talk? Should they pick up where they left off? Should they pretend that nothing happened and resume their routine?

 

Byulyi didn’t care which they picked, as long as Joohyun is still here, that’s enough for her.

 

But Joohyun knows what she doesn't want, she doesn't want to be confronted about her actions, not when death is at her doorstep. She wants to live until she can't, she doesn’t want any feelings to get in the way.

 

So she runs.

 

" Where are we headed to today? " Joohyun inquires, her gentle voice breaking the tense silence.

 

Byulyi blinks slowly while her mind processes the situation. Is Joohyun just going to pretend nothing happened? That their kiss meant nothing? Maybe it's the easier way out for now, if not talking meant that she could enjoy Joohyun's presence for a little longer, so be it.

 

" I've got a great place in mind, * Byulyi says with a small smile, her usual enthusiasm is missing and it doesn’t go unnoticed but Joohyun lets it slide, " let's go. "

 

The vocalist barely has time to question her companion before the rapper shifts them to one of the many places in her list of distractions.

 

---

 

The first thing she heard is the loud blaring music, accompanied by the deafening sound effects of the multiple arcade machines going off all at once, it's a lot to take in and Joohyun instinctively cups her hands over her ears.

 

It's always a surprise when she loads into the world, she never knows where Byulyi would take her but trusted her anyway. Afterall, even if she is terrified, the rapper always has a way to make her feel safe.

 

An automated welcome message blares from the speakers over the dings of the machines that surrounded them, she only manages to catch a few words like ‘arcadia’ and ‘largest arcade’.  The duo stands in the middle of a sea of arcade machines and Joohyun takes it all in with awe in her eyes, she has never seen so many machines at once, not to mention so many people too. 

 

She tries to speak over the volume of the deafening noise level but the blank look plastered on Byulyi’s face is enough for her to know that they aren’t going to be able to talk at all. An arcade is a perfect escape, neither one of them has to worry about the thoughts that plagued their hearts, all they had to do is focus on having fun. Maybe this is what their relationship should be — fun. No conflicting feelings, no guilt, no anguish.

 

If Joohyun is a distraction, then perhaps things should stay this way. 

 

With that in mind, the rapper doesn’t waste any time as she leads them towards a row of horror shooter games.

 

Joohyun watches as Byulyi plays the shooter games, pixelated zombies appear and the younger woman fires with impeccable accuracy. As impressed as she is, the longer she watches, the more she could feel that Byulyi is trying to lock away her feelings. The crinkle between her brows isn’t from her focusing hard on the game, there’s something wrong between them and she knew the exact cause of it. Could they even get back to where they were before or has she ruined their friendship because of that kiss?

 

Even if they could fix things, even if they could return to where they were before, would it still be the same? Would the cracks still show no matter how well it’s assembled?

 

She doesn’t want to lose what they have just yet, so when the ‘game over’ screen appears, Joohyun is already dragging Byulyi to the next game. It fills her with an overwhelming sense of dread that when the night is over, a piece of what she has with the rapper will most likely disappear too.

 

Byulyi notes the slight tension between them, it’s bordering on bearable but she pushes it to the back of her head. Of course, things aren’t okay but surely they can stay in this state of being somewhere in between for a little longer.

 

They didn’t have to talk, because talking would ruin it all. Talking would break this barrier of silence that keeps them from baring their hearts out to each other. Talking would only hurt both of them and it's something they both knew. Byulyi treasures every minute, every second of silence they spend together because this could be as good as it gets now. She’s grasping at straws, clinging onto the dimming hope that somehow, Joohyun would stay.

 

The night passes without the two exchanging a single word, there were occasional high fives when they scored together or playful shoves as they sabotaged each other, but nothing that could break their fragile relationship. Midnight draws close and Joohyun leads them outside, away from the chaos of ghosts chasing after a temporary thrill. 

 

Byulyi is worried that this would mark the end of her companionship with Joohyun, everything tonight seems to be leading up to one final hurrah. With Joohyun wrapping her arms around her, it feels like it’s the final nail in the coffin. Maybe everything she’s done is to give Byulyi one last good memory together. She didn’t have to tell Joohyun anything, she could get through this without hurting her companion, even if it means having to carry all that hurt alone.

 

“ I’m sorry. “ the leader murmurs into the crook of the rapper’s neck, burying her face so she didn’t have to look at the younger woman.

 

Byulyi swallows nervously as she reciprocates the affection, placing her arms around the smaller woman, enveloping her in a tight hug, “ What for, Hyun-ah? “

 

She knows perfectly well what for, but she wants the answer from Joohyun’s lips.

 

“ For that kiss, I shouldn’t have done that. “

 

Questions begin to race through Byulyi’s mind, does this mean she regrets it? Was this all one-sided? Maybe Joohyun never felt the same way at all.

 

“ Can we still stay friends? “ Joohyun asks in a barely audible whisper.

 

With the vocalist in her arms, there’s no way Joohyun would be able to see the expression on Byulyi’s face. Or feel her heart shattering into tiny pieces. If this is what Joohyun wants, how could she deny her? Masking all the pain in her chest, she responds with a sad smile, her lips twitching slightly as she lies.

 

“ Of course. “

 

And just like that, the clock strikes 12 and Joohyun disappears from her grasp yet again. 

 

Maybe they could never be more than two companions in this graveyard.

 

---

 

The next weekend, Joohyun doesn't turn up. Byulyi handles it much better than she expects to, she chalks it up to the fact that the older woman is probably sick again — too sick to use the system. The initial fears that the rapper has have slowly faded out of existence and as much as it worries her, she has some faith that Joohyun would say goodbye.

 

They are friends, afterall. Joohyun wouldn’t just disappear on her. 

 

Even if she did, she’s going to be prepared for when that day finally comes.

 

The leader turns up the week after, mumbling another apology as she finds herself in Byulyi’s open arms. Perhaps an embrace is enough to convey all their feelings, a silent ‘I was worried about you’ or a ‘I’m sorry for worrying you again’.

 

Or a longing ‘I wish you’d stay.’

 

“ My hours are being cut, I have to leave at 10 now. “ Joohyun murmurs as she stares blankly at the floor.

 

Byulyi pulls back from their hug, albeit a little unwillingly, speaking in a teasing tone, “ Not doing so hot, huh? “

 

The leader offers a small smile and shakes her head, “ Time’s almost up. “

 

Those very words send Byulyi’s heart to the pit of her stomach, she knows that this is the reality of their situation but hearing it from Joohyun herself feels heartbreaking. Someday soon, she’d have to live in a world without Bae Joohyun.

 

It makes her tear up. 

 

She consented to Yongsun’s death and she agreed to let Yongsun leave, so why does watching Joohyun leave feel like it’s going to hurt just as much?

 

“ Yah … We still have some time, “ Joohyun pulls back upon hearing the rapper sniffle softly, she cups her cheeks with her hands and wipes away Byulyi’s tears with her thumbs, “ I’m still here. “

 

Byulyi purses her lips and nods, “ Yeah, you are … But for how long? “ she asks a little too coldly, the words slip off her tongue before she even processes what she has just said.

 

Joohyun is taken aback by the sudden coldness and question, she lets go of the rapper and a slight frown makes their way between her brows. 

 

“ Until I die, I suppose … “ she mumbles softly, “ You know I don’t intend to stay here … “

 

Byulyi feels a pang of ache in her chest, similar to when Yongsun told her she’s not going to pass over to Eden. Joohyun is going to leave her like Yongsun, she’s going to be left hurt and crying yet again.

 

She should’ve seen this coming, she should’ve known.

 

“ How long? “ the rapper demands, grinding her teeth together as she averts her gaze away from her companion.

 

Joohyun sighs heavily as she bites down on her lower lip, her doctors have given her a final estimate and the fact that she’s still here is a miraculous feat on its own, “ A few weeks, at most. “

 

A few weeks. Two weeks? Three weeks?

 

The uncertainty of it all is so incredibly frustrating. To be so temporary, so fleeting, Byulyi hates it yet she finds herself chasing after the physical embodiment of it. She wants to tell Joohyun how she feels, she wants to be the one who makes her stay, she wants to be someone more than a companion to her.

 

Yet, Byulyi can’t bring herself to put the weight of her feelings on the leader. The last thing she needs is something tying her to a place she doesn’t want to be. So she swallows her feelings, nodding slowly at Joohyun’s answer.

 

Maybe she should feel grateful that Joohyun is still standing before her — that she’s still alive.

 

“ Let’s go make some good memories, shall we? “ Byulyi offers with a shaky breath as she extends a hand out to the older woman.

 

Joohyun takes her hand with a gentle bob of her head and the pair of companions set off into the unlimited world of Eden for what might be the last time.

 

---

 

Joohyun shows up. Joohyun doesn’t.

 

It almost becomes a pattern, one week she’s here and the next she’s not. Byulyi shows up every Saturday and she waits, regardless of whether Joohyun shows up. It feels like time comes to a standstill when she’s alone for the hours she should be spending with the vocalist. In the weeks that the leader doesn’t show up, Byulyi works through her feelings, piece by piece, breaking them down into tiny, digestible fragments for her soul. 

 

She didn’t want her feelings getting in the way of things, not love, not guilt, all she wants is answers now. She’s had plenty of time to think and overthink and think again, so she knows exactly what she wants. 

 

All that’s left is what Joohyun wants – even if Byulyi knows the answer all too well, she needs some sort of closure before Joohyun actually leaves.

 

February rolls by in a blink of an eye, Joohyun is more than aware of how little time she has left. Having to negotiate with her nurses so she can return to Eden is one of the many painful realisations she’s had to face. That and her days going by much faster than she can keep up with. There’s not a moment when she isn’t in pain and sleeping provides more comfort than she’d like, but at least she’s still able to dream.

 

She tries to be lucid enough on Saturdays, the rest of the week could pass in a haze for all she cares, but not Saturdays. She has to be conscious enough to enter the system, to see Byulyi. The young nurse who’s been taking care of her upon admission gives her the clear to enter Eden and she murmurs a ‘thank you’ before loading into the system.

 

Maybe this would be the last time she enters the virtual heaven.

 

To her surprise, Byulyi is already waiting for her. The rapper was never punctual for their Saturdates but lately, it seems like she’s always there before her.

 

“ You’re finally learning to be punctual. “ Joohyun muses with a light smile as she joins the rapper who’s sitting on the edge.

 

The relief in Byulyi’s eyes is evident and though she tries to smile, the corners of her lips begin to twitch, so she opts to drop it altogether.

 

“ How have you been? “ she asks while Joohyun settles comfortably beside her, resting her head on her bony shoulder.

 

“ You already know the answer, Byul-ah. “ the vocalist hums while shutting her eyes.

 

Byulyi looks down at the small figure by her side and scoffs, “ I think I do but you’re still here. “

 

“ Yah, what’s that supposed to mean? “ Joohyun huffs as she playfully jabs the rapper in the ribs who responds with a shrill screech. 

 

Taking some time to calm down and to nurse her ribs, Byulyi speaks gently.

 

“ It just means that I’m glad you’re still here. “

 

Silence.

 

They’ve seemingly put the kiss behind them, but it’s always the little things that makes it seem like they haven’t.

 

“ Can I ask you something, unnie? “ Byulyi murmurs as she stares into the empty darkness before them.

 

Joohyun senses the shift in her tone and sits up so she can face the younger woman properly, “ What is it? “

 

“ Will you come say goodbye before you leave? “

 

The question takes the leader by surprise, death isn’t as taboo of a topic now that she’s spent a couple of months in Eden, but it doesn’t mean they talk about it all the time. In fact, it’s a topic that rarely comes up in their conversations.

 

“ I can’t, “ Joohyun responds softly, reaching for Byulyi’s hand, “ if I do, I’ll become a resident. “

 

Is that such a bad thing? Byulyi wonders bitterly.

 

She lets the older woman take her hand but the small sign of affection offers barely any comfort.

 

“ I’m sorry, but it’s just how things are. “

 

Is it really? She has a choice, it isn’t as if she has to die. Things definitely didn’t have to end like this.

 

“ I hope you can understand where I’m coming from. “

 

Understand? What’s there to understand when she’s throwing mixed signals?

 

" What was that kiss about then? " Byulyi stares angrily into Joohyun's blank gaze, " Help me understand your intentions, unnie. "

 

The slight raise in her voice makes the vocalist flinch and she could only swallow nervously. She never expected Byulyi to be angry, but she supposes she should’ve anticipated this. What she did isn’t fair to the rapper at all, after seeing how she was like without Yongsun, she had to be a colossal idiot to kiss her. There's only one explanation that would make Byulyi calm and it's not one that she can bring herself to say.

 

" I don't know. "

 

Byulyi scoffs incredulously, " You don't know? "

 

" Where is this all coming from? I thought we've put this behind us? " Joohyun retorts defensively as she looks at the rapper dead in the eyes, It feels like she’s staring into the sun – you know you shouldn’t look but you just can’t seem to stop. 

 

Byulyi inhales deeply as she tries to control her emotions, she's thought through this in its entirety before, she can do this calmly. " Like you wanted to talk about it, unnie. If I brought it up, would you still come back? What happens when we talk? Don't we end up losing what we have? " she mutters after exhaling deeply.

 

" So why bring it up now? " the leader asks lowly, she doesn't like where this is going, " We don't need to talk about it since I'm going to die soon. "

 

The rapper balls her hands into fists and draws a deep, shaky breath into her lungs, she doesn’t feel ready for yet another heavy conversation but if there’s anything she’s learnt from the past few months, it’s that she needs to do this for herself.

 

" Because I like you, Joohyun! " The rapper explodes in a fury of emotions ranging from anger to being hopelessly in love with someone she shouldn't be, " I hate to admit it but I am, you've become so important to me that I'm scared to live in a world without you. "

 

Joohyun stiffens at Byulyi’s words, it’s hard to maintain eye contact when she can’t bear to stomach the truth so she averts her gaze to the ground.

 

The rapper continues speaking, calming down as she tries her best to get through to her companion but her lips tremble as she speaks," You dying is exactly why we need to talk about it, I'm not going to beg you to stay if I know you don't want to. But … it seems like you do. " 

 

What does Byulyi even know? Just because she likes Eden doesn't mean she has to stay. Some promises still hold more weight over her wants.

 

" I need to know what that kiss meant … Hyun … I don't want to end up where I was before I met you … " Byulyi's tone weakens as she stares hopelessly at her companion, her voice threatening to crack at any moment, " Can you be honest for a minute ..? Tell me what you really want. "

 

She wants to live. She wants to love and be loved. 

 

But she can’t do that without betraying Seulgi. 

 

A single tear escapes her eye and begins to roll down her cheek as she lets herself imagine a future with Byulyi – but all she can picture is the past with Seulgi. 

 

The leader bites down on her lower lip, she knows the answer all too well. " I want to live, Byul-ah, " Joohyun replies with tear-stained cheeks, " but I can't go through with it. "

 

" Because of Seulgi? "

 

The leader nods meekly as she sniffles, " She was my best friend, we spent our whole lives together. How can I continue to live when I promised her that we would leave? "

 

" I promised Yong I would be okay without her and I couldn't. I had to die to be able to live in another world without her. Things never go as planned but we find our own ways to cope, to live. "

 

" Byul … "

 

" I just want you to live, Hyun, I don't need you to feel the same way, I don't need to be with you, all I want is for you to be alive in this world. " Byulyi swallows as her chest tightens, she reaches for Joohyun’s hand, hoping some affection would ease the heavy tension between them.

 

The leader turns to face the rapper solemnly, " I like you, Byulyi, I want to live, but I can't … I can't bring myself to do this. "

 

" I wish you loved me enough to live. "

 

“ But what we have isn't love. "

 

It stings. It hurts to hear it from Joohyun – yet she acknowledges it’s true to a certain extent. It’s not love now, but if they gave it a little time? If they let it grow into something, what would it be then?

 

" Then what is it? A ing friendship? Stop lying to me, stop lying to yourself! " Byulyi snarls, if Joohyun wasn’t going to disappear at any given moment, perhaps she wouldn’t be this desperate to get through to her.

 

Joohyun scoffs wryly, " We were just two lonely souls in need of a distraction, how could this be love? "

 

" Why not? " the rapper challenges indignantly.

 

The vocalist narrows her eyes, " Because I loved Seulgi as hard as I could, this doesn't feel the same. I thought you of all people would understand. "

 

“ I do, Joohyun. It doesn’t have to be the same, we don’t have to put a label on it, I don’t need you to love me. I just need you to know I want you to stay. “

 

Her final plea is met with a tense silence and apprehension. Joohyun isn't ready for a conversation like this and Byulyi knows but she couldn't risk going another week without confessing.

 

Their Saturdate ends. It might be the very last one too but neither one can bear to spend another minute in the other’s presence.

 

They part ways, Byulyi disappears with a teleport and Joohyun returns to her aching body.

 

If this is their last memory together, all Byulyi can think about is how much she’ll regret it. She would’ve chosen the good ending, an ending where they don’t finish things in an argument and heartbreak.

 

She would've let Joohyun go instead of trying to hold on to her precious distraction.

 

---

 

It’s expected when Joohyun’s condition heads for a sharp decline, it’s tough to continue living in a body that’s ready to die. She spends most of the week flitting in and out of consciousness, but her condition manages to stabilize a little when a dear friend comes to visit. The leader’s health has been steadily deteriorating and it doesn’t come as a shock to Seungwan who has travelled from the city just to visit her unnie in the countryside for what might be the last time.

 

“ You didn’t have to come all the way here, Seungwan-ah, “ Joohyun shakes her head at the aged vocalist sitting across her, “ I would’ve been fine with a video call. “

 

“ It’s no trouble, it’s been a while since I’ve visited you anyway. “ Seungwan smiles as she pats the older woman’s arm lightly, " When was the last time those two have visited? "

 

" A couple months, but it's okay, they have their own family after all. "

 

" You haven't updated them on your condition, have you? "

 

" They'll know once they call, I just don't want to worry them. "

 

" Yet you worry me. "

 

" Because you're my Seungwannie. "

 

" Yeah, yeah. Want some fruits? "

 

The leader nods gratefully as she relaxes in her bed, unfortunately for her, her lungs haven’t been doing as well, so she’s unable to go anywhere without respiratory aid, hence she’s bedbound for a little. Seungwan busies herself with cutting apples while Joohyun stares out the window, watching the snow fall against the warm sunlight. It’d be a lovely day to be outside even though she knows it’s way too cold for her, merely being able to feel the cold winds or the warm sun on her skin would feel like a dream come true.

 

“ How have you been feeling? “ Seungwan asks casually as she offers some fruit to her unnie.

 

Joohyun gratefully picks a small piece and shrugs, “ Not the best, it’s been getting worse lately but I’m still hanging on. “

 

“ How are things in Eden then? " Seungwan continues her questioning after an understanding nod, Joohyun had told her about the trials in the weekly phone calls they have been exchanging.

 

" It’s alright, the usual I suppose, it’s fun. “ Joohyun responds calmly, the memory of the kiss she shared with Byulyi lingers at the back of her head.

 

The vocalist nods slowly, " What about Byulyi-unnie? "

 

Joohyun hums with a slight smile as she reaches for another piece of apple, " What about her? "

 

“ How is she doing? “ Seungwan shrugs, prompting her unnie to share a little more about the ghost she’s been talking so much about.

 

Joohyun crunches on the fruit while she avoids the suspicious gaze of Seungwan, “ I don’t know what you expect me to say, she’s the same I suppose, you don’t really change in Eden. But, time does pass much faster with her around. “

 

" I'm a little hurt you didn't ask me or Sooyoung and Yerim to join you. " Seungwan pouts as she leans back into her chair, the trio aren't exactly active users of Eden though they've made plans to pass over.

 

" She's a resident there so she knows the world much better than you three would. " Joohyun sticks her tongue out cheekily, it's a mildly comical sight coming from an aged woman who can't exactly breathe without her nasal cannulas. 

 

The younger woman sighs and shakes her head with an amused smile, " I'm glad you're having fun, what do you guys even do? Eden feels a little overwhelming because there's just so much you can do. "

 

Joohyun is silent for a moment as she tries to recall all the activities they’ve done together, her memory isn’t as sharp in real life but she’s sure once she’s in Eden, she’ll remember it all. 

 

" I don't really know how to explain it, she takes me around and we do fun things. We live, we do things that we should've done. " the leader shrugs casually.

 

" To live only after you die, is this what our world has become? " the vocalist jokes with a small laugh.

 

The older woman nods with a wry smile, " One life is never enough for some. "

 

The two women settle into a comfortable silence, to have physical company by her side is enough for Joohyun. But for Seungwan, she's painfully aware that this could be her final visit and it takes a lot of self-control to keep herself together.

 

" Have you thought about changing your mind? " the younger woman questions softly, the mood taking a more solemn turn.

 

The leader quirks an eyebrow at the sudden question, " To pass over? "

 

" Mhm, it sounds like you like Eden. " Seungwan hums softly.

 

" I do like it … But I just can't. " Joohyun exhales with a small sigh.

 

How could she live when Seulgi is no longer here.

 

" I don't think Seul will be upset if you chose to stay … Plus, the rest of us would be more than happy too. " the vocalist murmurs with a small smile, hoping that her unnie would be tempted to stay now that she's been to Eden.

 

" Wannie, I'm not going to betray Seul like this. " her body may be weak but her voice is firm.

 

Seungwan exhales deeply through her nostrils, " Changing your mind after experiencing something isn't a betrayal, it's not like you signed a contract or anything. "

 

" What are you trying to say, Seungwan? " Joohyun questions in a warning tone, narrowing her eyes.

 

" That you should continue living. "

 

Of course. Of course, Seungwan would try to get her to stay as well. The rest of the group had agreed to pass over, except for the two of them. The tiny vocalist had been trying to convince them to change their minds for the longest time but Seulgi's death cemented her choice.

 

" I'm not going to go back on my words, Seulgi and I talked about this, how can I tell her that we'd die together but continue to live? " the leader speaks in a harsh tone as she glares at her dear friend.

 

Seungwan her lips uncertainly and reaches for Joohyun's hand, squeezing it reassuringly, " But Eden seems to make you happy, after you started your trials, you seem more cheerful. "

 

" What do you even know? "

 

" I don't know, unnie. I don't know what it's like to love and lose someone, I don't know what it's like to continue living without them, but what I do know is that Eden makes you happier. " the younger woman speaks in a gentle tone, she didn't want her last memory with Joohyun to be an argument, or rather, she didn't want this to be their last memory, " You've been closed off after Seul died and you haven't been like yourself. Whatever's going on in Eden has a positive effect on you, why not stay a little longer? "

 

This earns a bittersweet chuckle from Joohyun, " Because Seulgi isn't here anymore, Wannie. I love Eden, I love the people, the food, the fun. I love living but I don't want to live in a world without her. "

 

" The fact still stands that she's gone, but you don't have to fade away with her. "

 

" Why are you so bent on convincing me to pass over? " the leader raises her voice slightly, this isn't a conversation she wants to have.

 

Seungwan ignores it all though, she continues on, " I don't want to see you leave this world sad, unnie. When you die, shouldn't you leave on a good note? "

 

" Wannie … "

 

" You've accepted Seul's departure, but it still stings. Is this really how you want your life to end? "

 

" When it ends, I won't feel any pain. It'll just end. " Joohyun responds sharply, looking away from the younger woman.

 

" End it on a good note, there's no reason you should leave like this when there's a chance to make things better. "

 

" It's not just about that … "

 

" Is it Byulyi-unnie? "

 

Joohyun nods silently, she's been afraid to talk about it to anyone because of the guilt that weighs her down.

 

“ What’s really going on between you two? “

 

“ I kissed her. “

 

Seungwan furrows her brows though she's not too surprised, hearing it from Joohyun's lips still stings a little. She's spent a lifetime beside Joohyun, loving gently without ever getting in the way of what she has with Seulgi. And now that Seulgi's gone, off she goes into another's embrace. But if Byulyi can make her want to live again, she would do anything to help.

 

" So there is something going on between you two and it's more than just friendship. " the vocalist says in an uncertain tone, it's more of a statement than a question and she frowns slightly.

 

Joohyun her lips and shrugs, " I don't know what it is, it doesn't feel right. I don't know why I did it. "

 

" You feel things for her? Like you do with Seul? " Seungwan tries her best to figure out the situation, afterall, love is messy sometimes.

 

" It's not the same … I loved Seulgi and Byulyi could never replace her. "

 

" Of course she couldn't. " Seungwan begins to say softly, * Nobody can replace Seulgi because she was her own person. I have lived through your love and if you're going to compare what you had with Seulgi and whatever you currently have with Byulyi-unnie, you're never going to resolve this. "

 

" But I don't love her, what we have is just out of need, not out of love. We both just needed someone. “ the leader reasons in a serious tone though she doesn't quite believe her own words, she has to cling to this truth because anything other than this scares the hell out of her.

 

The younger woman nods slowly, " Maybe … But who said that love can't come out of this? You're allowed to fall in love again, unnie, you don't have to feel guilty. "

 

" I don’t want to hurt her, Wannie. I know I don't love her like I loved Seul. "

 

" But that doesn't mean you can't love her. You can't compare love because they're different, how Seul loved you and how Byulyi loves you is different. They are two different people, with different things to offer. And your love for them will be different, you can't love someone else with the love for another. Just because it's different doesn't change the fact that love can exist in many forms. "

 

" Wannie … "

 

" Stay for a little longer, unnie, I know you want to live. I want to see you live too. "

 

They don't talk much after that, it's time for Seungwan to leave anyway. After a warm embrace and a promise that she'd come back to visit soon, Joohyun is left alone in her cold and empty room.

 

She thinks about death in that moment, she's come to accept it as a fast-approaching reality and it's not like it doesn't scare her but it feels like when it finally does take her, she'll be ready.

 

Seungwan's words linger in her head for a long time and so do thoughts of Byulyi.

 

Perhaps she could see a world with just the two of them.

 

---

 

Joohyun stops showing up.

 

Little does Byulyi know, Joohyun is on the final stretch of her life. Her doctors have prohibited her from Eden, even an hour inside could mean a harsh decline in her condition and it’s something they refused to risk for something so trivial.

 

But how would Byulyi know? All she knows is Joohyun stopped turning up and that could only mean one thing — Joohyun is dead.

 

A terrifying reality, one she never wanted to face, but sometimes you can only stand and watch it all fall apart.

 

A world without Bae Joohyun doesn't feel that different from a world without Kim Yongsun. It hurts almost as much, feels equally as bleak and there's nothing to look forward to anymore. Byulyi despises Eden on days where she misses Joohyun a little more, if she had gone with Yongsun, she wouldn't have to go through this twice.

 

But if she had gone with Yongsun, she wouldn't have experienced the months with Joohyun. 

 

Relationships come in the form of a double-edged sword and as much as she hates how it hurts, she refuses to give up the happiness that comes with it. It’s hard convincing herself that the pain and grief is worth it, but at the end of the day, she figures she’ll be okay to some extent.

 

And if she isn't? Her existence could be erased with just a few taps.

 

Though she highly doubts that Wheein and Hyejin will let her leave that easily. Byulyi spends the next few weeks wondering if Joohyun would come back, but when she doesn't show after the third week? That's when her worries start to kick in and all she wants to do is hide from it all.

 

It doesn't hurt at first, it begins with denial. Half-hearted attempts at convincing herself that the vocalist would return the next week. It slowly fails as she starts to see a different reality. Then comes the numbness, she prepared for this very scenario. She knew that Joohyun would leave but ing hell, she had been banking all her hopes on her staying.

 

And now that she's really gone, maybe she wasn’t as prepared as she thought she was.

 

Grief washes over her at some point and she seeks solace in her family, even if they couldn't make things better, at least they'd weather the storms with her.

 

To hell with this illusion of a perfect forever, this world is just as real as the previous and it hurts just as much.

 

---

 

A little under a month has passed when Seungwan returns, this time with unwavering certainty that it’ll be her final visit. The weather is slowly beginning to warm up so it makes her journey here less taxing. To see Joohyun rendered so vulnerable isn’t something she’d like to see, but knowing that she’ll be in a better place soon offers some comfort.

 

" Is this what you really want, unnie? " Seungwan asks in a gentle voice, lightly squeezing Joohyun's wrinkled hands for some reassurance.

 

The leader couldn't speak due to how weak she is, so a mere nod would have to suffice, She vaguely registers a new presence in the room but still tries to catch a glimpse of them anyway.

 

Turning her head, she sees Yerim entering the room, shuffling across the tiles with a small smile. The atmosphere in the room lightened up a little, afterall, it shouldn’t be a sad day and no one could be upset when Yerim is in the room.

 

" Everything's in order, Sooyoung's just wrapping things up and we're done. " she informs the room while settling into a chair next to Seungwan.

 

Joohyun forces a light smile and hopes that the younger woman could feel her gratitude despite how lifeless she must look.

 

" Are you sure you've got everything in order? All the documents? " Seungwan presses with furrowed eyebrows.

 

Yerim folds her arms across her chest and rolls her eyes, " Yah unnie, trust us a little, would you? Stop worrying about it. " she clicks her teeth in annoyance.

 

" I just don't want anything to go wrong, no harm in checking twice, right? " the small vocalist retorts easily with an innocent shrug.

 

Joohyun watches with an amused smile as the two continue to bicker, it’s been a long time since they’ve all gathered and she misses them dearly. It’s a pity they didn’t try to meet a little more often, but even so, the bond between them remains unchanged. 

 

Sooyoung enters the room accompanied by the doctors and nurses that have been in charge of her wellbeing for the past few months. 

 

The end of her life is upon her and the friends that have become family are all here to send her off on her final journey. As solemn as it feels, Joohyun doesn't feel scared to leave, she has nothing to fear knowing what awaits her.

 

" Are you ready, unnie? " Sooyoung asks as she joins Yerim by Joohyun's bedside.

 

The leader could only muster a weak nod and her nurses are quick to start the process. She reaches out for their hands as her oxygen mask is removed, it’s comforting to know that they’ll be here with her till the very end. 

 

" I will … see you guys on the other side … " Joohyun wheezes as she smiles at her dear friends who are trying their best to hold back their tears to no avail. 

 

It's a day to be celebrated as much as it did signal the end of her life, they knew that as well but to them, death could never be viewed as anything other than tragic.

 

Amidst the sniffling of her friends and the soft conversations of her doctors and nurses, her eyelids begin to grow heavy and her mind begins to slow. Joohyun doesn't try fight it, she embraces the darkness and in that void, she wonders if Byulyi is still waiting for her.

 

With the gentle glow of sunlight pouring through the windows, the room goes quiet as they mourn the loss of someone they have held dear.

 

Bae Joohyun has died.