8:03pm.

 

Byulyi walks onto the familiar stage with her hands tucked into her pockets, footsteps reverberating through the empty place as usual. She tries to count the steps it takes, one, two — but thoughts of Joohyun quickly distract her. She’s been looking forward to spending time with the leader again since all she has for company have been Wheein and Hyejin, it’s exciting to know that she has someone new to mess around with. 

 

Though with those two in mind, she chooses to keep the news about Joohyun visiting a secret from the two girls. As much as Byulyi knows the two would be more than happy to hang out with the leader, she doesn’t know how keen Joohyun would be and part of her doesn’t want to share this — distraction.

 

The last few years of her life have been good, she had everything she ever wanted, a long happy life, a wife who she absolutely adored, enough money to provide the best for her family. Byulyi was grateful to have a life like that, for her, it was the perfect life.

 

Everything was perfect until Kim Yongsun decided to leave.

 

Byulyi knows that Yongsun was both figuratively and literally the sun of her life, what she didn't know was how much her absence would impact her. The void in her chest begins like a hairline crack, slowly spreading until it creates a gaping hole in her chest that seems to swallow up any joy she's capable of feeling.

 

Eden did what it could to fill up the cracks — but it's never enough. Erebus is insatiable, it feeds off on all her dreams in the night, tormenting her even when she’s asleep, so when morning comes, she’s left with nothing but tear-stained sheets. Though, at times, with a distraction, she's able to ignore how hollow of a person she actually is. 

 

In this momentary reprieve, with whatever pieces of a person Byulyi has left, she’s able to feel like things are okay.

 

And Joohyun just happens to be a good distraction, for now.

 

The vocalist is already waiting for her, her legs dangling off the edge of the stage as she leans back on her arms calmly, humming an old song with pursed lips. It seems like she’s dabbled with the appearance settings in Eden because she’s dressed in a large oversized hoodie and sweatpants. Though she’s relaxed, her inscrutable face hides all the excitement that’s bubbling in her chest. She’s had a particularly tough week, being on new medications always made her more tired than usual and being able to log into Eden again is the only way she can escape the pains of her failing body now.

 

Hearing footsteps approaching from behind her, she glances over her shoulder to see Byulyi skipping over with an animated grin. Joohyun can’t help but return a warm smile, she softly pats the ground next to her, signalling for the rapper to join her.

 

“ Sorry I’m late, “ Byulyi apologizes as she takes a seat beside the leader, “ did you wait long? “

 

Joohyun shakes her head and turns to the rapper, “ It’s alright, I’ve barely been here for five minutes. “

 

“ So, any plans for today? “

 

“ Aren’t you supposed to be my guide, Byulyi? “ Joohyun retorts easily, “ So much for making me fall in love with this place, huh? "

 

Byulyi snorts and nods understandingly, “ Okay, I’ll remember these words, unnie. “ she drawls.

 

When the Loser Crew first came to Eden, they made a list of things they wanted to try out, titling it ‘The Loser’s Guide on How to Live’. Opening up the list in her augmented menu, Byulyi smiles at the first activity on the list, it’s what Wheein made all of them do on their first day. It should really be considered illegal but it acts as a rite of passage for all tourists of Eden because it proves to them how limitless this world actually is. 

 

Considering her reaction after a thrilling ride at the carnival, Joohyun would probably hate her for the rest of her life, for however long it might be, if she made the leader go through with it.

 

Definitely no free falling without a parachute, Byulyi notes mentally with her lips tugged upwards in a cheeky smile.

 

She scrolls through the endless list with glazed eyes because nothing seems to stand out to her. Sure, there are plenty of activities they could do but if she is to make Bae Joohyun fall in love with this world, none of them would make the cut.

 

“ Give me some hints on what you like, unnie, “ Byulyi groans after a minute of scrolling, the list is much longer than she remembered and she’s not about to scroll through almost a hundred pages.

 

Perhaps she should've planned a little, she'll probably do it next week so they can avoid the turmoil caused by overchoice. Joohyun raises an eyebrow with an amused smirk creeping up on her lips, shrugging as she watches the rapper struggle.

 

" Come on, I gave you suggestions last week, " Joohyun grumbles as she nudges the rapper playfully, " think of something good because I want to be surprised! "

 

" I can take you free-falling but I doubt I'll see you again. " the rapper’s face scrunches up and she snickers upon seeing the vocalist’s reaction.

 

Joohyun glares at her with an icy stare, in a deadpan voice she shuts Byulyi down, " You're absolutely right, if you weren't already dead, I'd probably murder you. "

 

The younger girl sighs exasperatedly, as far as she knows, Joohyun is a rather tame person, even in her younger days. Whenever Seulgi spoke about her, the conversation usually revolved around how domestic and gentle the leader is.

 

Perhaps at some point in the future, if Joohyun continues to visit, Byulyi would show her how the Loser Crew defines living.

 

But for tonight, they could take things slow, not everything has to be about the thrills.

 

" I can take you home, make you dinner and then we can sit on the shore and listen to the waves, how about that? "

 

" We can eat here? "

 

" Yes, of course! Hyejin would never pass over if she couldn't eat! "

 

" Do you sleep then? "

 

" It's not necessary but it's an option to pass the time. "

 

" Wow … I can't believe the ghosts are more alive than I am. "

 

" Let's be real, unnie, you're just a body waiting to die in the real world. "

 

Joohyun's eyebrows stitch together at Byulyi's last sentence, she's not denying the truth in it but she's a little taken aback by how blunt the rapper is. The atmosphere tenses up as Joohyun doesn’t even make an attempt to acknowledge her ill-conceived attempt at banter.

 

She is just as much of a person here as she is in the real world, even if most of the days are a haze to her. When she’s lucid, she still feels emotions, she still feels pain, most of all she is still alive.

 

What does the dead remember about living anyway? This world isn’t even real.

 

Byulyi, who has been desensitized to topics about dying like every other resident in Eden, notices the heavy silence before realising her faux pas.

 

" Sorry, I made you uncomfortable, I tend to forget not everyone doesn’t care about dying ... " she mumbles, struggling to find the right words to form a proper apology, " it's just — well … everyone here is dead or waiting to die, even the tourists are merely floating between the two. The longer you stay here, the more death loses its grip on you. "

 

Strange enough, talking about death is simultaneously the easiest and hardest thing to do here. In the beginning, when the Loser Crew first arrived, it took some time for them to get used to how casual everyone was about death and dying. It was a shift that the trio quickly adjusted to with time and soon, they were just like everyone else, ghosts in a world that didn't matter in the eyes of the living.

 

The ghosts, or residents rather, have made their peace since everything in this world seems to come alive. It didn't matter if they didn't have a physical body anymore, it didn't matter that they were merely a chip in the system, nothing really mattered in a world without restrictions. With death gone, life doesn’t matter as much.

 

" It's easy for you to say, I suppose, " Joohyun notes wryly, her mood has taken a complete 180 and she quietly wishes midnight would come soon.

 

Death is but a mere door to the next life for Byulyi, but death to Joohyun? 

 

It could mean heaven, it could mean hell, it could mean an empty darkness for all eternity. As much as she doesn't want to think about it, the fact that her Seulgi could be in an endless void with no one but the darkness for company, haunts her. The uncertainty of what comes after dying is how death continues to have a firm hold on her.

 

She wouldn't allow herself to become a ghost here, to be so drunk on living that she forgets the weight of death.

 

That she forgets Seulgi.

 

Not like she could anyway — it's been a few months and the ache in her chest still feels as raw as the first day. She's made her peace with Seulgi's death, but it never stops her from hurting.

 

Byulyi reaches over to grab the older woman's arm lightly, giving it a gentle squeeze, snapping Joohyun out of her train of thought. The older woman exhales softly as she gathers her thoughts, the last thing she wants to do is get emotional in front of Byulyi.

 

" Sorry, it's a little too soon, " Joohyun says through tight lips, being called cold and stoic is a mere understatement of how expressionless she can be, " I'll come back next week … Maybe … "

 

The younger woman feels her heart drop to the pit of her stomach because she feels terrible for upsetting her new companion. She knows that if she lets Joohyun log out upset, the guilt will eat at her for the rest of the week or forever, if the leader chooses to never come back. She has to fix this now. Biting her lower lip, she strings together whatever words that come to mind, whatever that will help fix things.

 

" Unnie, I'm an idiot and I’m really sorry, “ Byulyi says quickly, placing a firm grip on Joohyun's arm to prevent her from leaving even though the older woman still remains seated, “ but please stay, I promise I’ll be more careful with my words. “

 

The leader shakes her head subtly, " It's okay, I'm just not feeling up for anything now, " she murmurs softly.

 

" We don't have to do anything, we don't have to talk. We can just sit and listen to the waves. " Byulyi offers with an apologetic smile and a slight rise of her shoulders.

 

Joohyun, on the other hand, wants nothing more than to return to her tired body and sleep the night away, at least she’s still able to sleep through the nights. Yet, she remains seated next to the younger woman because part of her does want to stay. This faux world provided the perfect escape from the pains of the real world.

 

" Okay. "

 

The rapper holds up her end of the bargain, teleporting the two to her secret spot in this infinite world, looks like they’ll have to save dinner for another time.

 

 

---

 

When Eden was announced a few years back, many people jumped at the chance to live forever but there were skeptics as well. Researchers and scientists couldn't say for sure how this digital immortality would affect a person's mind in the long run and some seniors weren't willing to take the risk. Joohyun was one of those seniors with a rather traditional mindset and she was right to have her qualms about the system.

 

There were reports of how it harms one's mental health and a lot more side effects than Joohyun bothered to read up on.

 

Things did improve eventually, the pioneer batch of ghosts had it the best and worst and it took months for society to settle down in the system. When it finally did, it took weeks of convincing before she agreed to even let Seulgi try out the system and her wife coming back with a huge grin did help ease her worries slightly.

 

She still had her qualms, but she doesn't mind letting Seulgi go, as long as her precious girl is happy.

 

Seulgi did her best to convince Joohyun to join her in her weekly trials too, but the singer always rejected her, making excuses that she’s too old to party like a teenager. Looking back, maybe she should’ve accepted the invitations, there’s so much to do in Eden that they could have made so many new memories.

 

Memories that could tide her over the absence of Seulgi until she joins her.

 

 

---

 

The waves crash vehemently against the sandy beaches while a myriad of dim stars glitters amongst cirrus clouds. A briny tang lingers in the air and Joohyun can almost taste the salt on her tongue. Though it’s dark out, the moonlight provides just enough light for them to scarcely make out objects in the distance. The ground is dry as usual — it never rains in this spot despite how the outlying grey clouds threaten to pour. In the distance, a row of huge mansions line the shore and unbeknownst to Joohyun, it’s where the Loser Crew have staked their claim in this world. 

 

The trio share a huge mansion by the beach, it’s too big for the three of them but they decided they liked living in a luxurious house a lot more than a cramped apartment. It's too lonely to live alone in this world — something that they decided during their trial days of Eden. 

 

Despite the supposed signs of life, they are the only two making their way along the shore.

 

Byulyi knows this area like the back of her hand, oftentimes, when the world is a little too much for her to handle, she comes here to let her thoughts consume her. The waves do nothing to help block out her thoughts that rise into a deafening crescendo but they make for good company by her lonesome.

 

A small hand grabbing the back of her shirt reminds Byulyi that she isn’t alone now, making a bold move, she slips her hand into Joohyun’s and is mildly surprised to find no resistance from the other woman. The rapper squeezes the vocalist’s hand in a comforting and almost apologetic manner, mildly thankful that Joohyun is giving her a chance to atone. Two trails of footprints are left in the sand as Byulyi guides them in the opposite direction from the mansions. In the darkness, Joohyun has to squint to see where the younger girl is taking them. An abandoned dock sits at the far end of the beach and she can only assume that’s where they are headed.

 

The wood creaks loudly when Byulyi steps onto the platform, the waves are less violent on this end so they don’t do much to drown out the groaning of the dock. Joohyun is a little apprehensive about the strength of the rotting platform but with Byulyi steadily holding her hand and confidently walking in front of her, her fears are quickly dispelled. The two walk right to the edge and the younger girl glances down to take a peek at her silent companion.

 

The darkness hides most of Joohyun’s features, but even under the dim moonlight, Byulyi thinks she can see traces of melancholy in her eyes. The rapper doesn’t let go of the singer’s hand despite arriving at their destination, it provides a soothing feeling that’s mutual between the two. Joohyun gazes into the distance, taking in the darkness of the horizon and letting the sound of the ebbing tides fill her ears. Byulyi doesn’t say anything because no words feel appropriate for this atmosphere, however, she does lead the older woman to sit on the edge of the pier. A reflective silence settles between the two as they ruminate, the sound of the waves wash over them and they bask in the comfort of the other’s presence. Their legs dangle over the waters that slosh against the festering harbour and they sit for a long time without exchanging a single word.

 

Time doesn’t matter to Byulyi, yet when it comes to Joohyun, she’s painfully aware of how — temporary, she is. Four hours every Saturday, it was never enough for the Loser Crew, hence their permanent residence here. The rapper watches the waves in a haze, it’s a different feeling to be here with someone and for the first time, she doesn’t feel suffocated by the absence of Yongsun. Her thoughts are filled with the singer next to her, who’s still holding on to her hand, grounding her and preventing her from spiralling.

 

Byulyi has so many questions for Joohyun, questions that slipped her mind in her excitement during their previous encounter.

 

Where is Seulgi? 

 

Why is Joohyun here alone? 

 

Does she intend on becoming a resident?

 

Or does she intend to die?

 

A sudden shift by the vocalist causes Byulyi’s eyes to flit towards her, Joohyun removes her hand from the rapper’s now sweaty palms. She hasn’t been aware of how nervous she has become just thinking about Joohyun.

 

“ Sorry, I didn’t realise … “ the older woman speaks softly before her words trail off.

 

Byulyi places her hands on her lap awkwardly and shakes her head, “ It’s okay. “

 

“ This is a nice place to get lost in your thoughts. “

 

“ The waves are calming, aren’t they? “

 

“ Mhm … I’m glad you brought me here, I haven’t been to a beach in ages. “

 

“ For what it’s worth, I’m glad you stayed. “

 

Joohyun looks up at the younger girl and their eyes meet. Words linger at the tip of her tongue and she questions whether their friendship is strong enough for the thoughts in her head. With Seulgi, she never had to think twice before speaking her mind, it was easy because they understood each other. There were rarely any miscommunication or misunderstandings between the couple, if there were, it’d be resolved in a day or two. She isn’t so sure about Byulyi, considering that they were just — friends?

 

Byulyi rubs the back of her neck as she feels obligated to speak now, “ About earlier … I’m really sorry— “

 

“ It’s okay, I accept your apology, but what you said isn’t entirely wrong, “ the singer interrupts reassuringly, placing a hand on Byulyi’s lap, “ I only have a few more months to go, a year at most. “

 

The rapper tenses up at her touch, quickly shifting to hide her surprise, she leans back on her hands which rest on the wooden dock. Joohyun quickly removes her hand, fearing that she’s overstepped her boundaries.

 

“ What are your plans? “ Byulyi tries to ask casually, hoping that changing the conversation would ease the awkward atmosphere, but she can't hide the curiosity in her voice.

 

“ What other plans should I have? I’m prepared to meet my maker. “

 

“ You’re not going to pass over? “

 

“ Mhm … “

 

“ Why not? “

 

“ Why should I? “

 

Byulyi tilts her head slightly as she ponders, she stares into the darkness as if the faux gods will provide an epiphany. Passing over has become commonplace within years, it’s fair to say that almost everyone didn’t want to die, everybody wants to continue living, except for a handful maybe. There’s no complex reason behind why Yongsun didn’t stay, it all boiled down to one — she didn’t want to. Perhaps Joohyun has the same beliefs, one life is enough for them.

 

Byulyi musters up the courage to switch topics, mumbling almost inaudibly, “ Can I ask you something else, unnie? “ 

 

Joohyun nods while her eyes stare at flowing tides, “ What is it? “

 

The rapper in a deep breath and feels a burst of bravery surge through her body, before she knows it, the words are out of , “ Where is Seulgi? “

 

The question doesn’t take the singer by surprise, she had a feeling it would come up at some point and it’s futile to avoid it.

 

“ She died. “

 

The answer, however, leaves Byulyi with an uncertain frown on her face. 

 

Died? 

 

If the dancer had passed over, there’s no way she would have missed her. As far as Byulyi knows, Seulgi was still very much alive when she passed over with Wheein and Hyejin.

 

“ She left peacefully in her sleep a couple of months ago. “

 

“ Oh … “ Byulyi forces a choked response.

 

She isn’t sure how to process all this information, she vaguely remembers Seulgi visiting as a tourist but it was a one-time thing. The dancer loved to bounce through time periods and wander around various places so their paths almost never crossed during her trials. Byulyi was sure that of all people, Seulgi would pass over.

 

It’s funny how the people who loved living chose to die instead.

 

“ Why did Yongsun choose to leave? “

 

Joohyun throws all caution to the wind since Byulyi has already brought up Seulgi, she supposes that their bond might become stronger because of this conversation. This might be the only thing they had in common, Joohyun muses quietly, their wives leaving them behind in this virtual world. She never knew why her fellow leader chose to leave instead of passing over like everyone else and it’s a question that’s been at the back of her head for a while now.

 

“ She didn’t want to stay. “ Byulyi answers shortly, it’s hard enough to tell people that Yongsun is dead, let alone responding to questions she barely knew the answers to.

 

“ That’s it? “ Joohyun presses with a raised eyebrow, the answer seems a little too simple. 

 

Byulyi scoffs lightly under her breath, merely thinking about it leaves her with a feeling of indignance, “ There’s no special reason or anything, Yong wanted to leave. And I let her. “ Her voice is full of angst and regret, if she could turn back time, she would have and she would have pleaded for her Yongkong to stay with her for all eternity.

 

The singer turns to face the rapper with sympathetic eyes, in some ways, she can relate to how the younger girl feels. But, things are different for her, because Seulgi didn’t leave her behind, she just went ahead first and Joohyun takes comfort in knowing that she’ll join her soon. 

 

“ Are you angry that she left? “ Joohyun asks softly, she knows she’s treading on eggshells but can’t help but feel like if Byulyi didn’t get this off her chest now, she probably never will. Who else could empathise with her in this world where nobody cared about death?

 

Byulyi freezes at the vocalist’s abrupt question because it’s the first time anyone has ever asked her if she’s anything but sad. She wonders if she’s worded her answer a little too harshly.

 

“ Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. “ the rapper mumbles quickly as she looks away. 

 

The feelings of guilt that weighed on her anger only made her feel like she’s a terrible person and wife, so she’s repressed it all, hoping that it would fade with time. But sometimes, it’s just a little hard to hold it in. 

 

“ But you sound pissed. “

 

A tense silence hangs in the air and Joohyun is almost certain she’s gone too far. Her heart sinks slightly at the thought of their short-lived friendship ending because she probed too much.

 

“ I guess I am … and it makes me feel like I’m a terrible ing person … I just wish she was here with me. “ Byulyi admits after a long silence, her self-hatred bubbles in her chest as she balls her hands tightly into fists, she stares out into the darkness, hoping that the waves would pull her under.

 

Joohyun shifts her body entirely to face the rapper, lifting her legs off the edge and crossing them in the process. She gently cups the younger girl’s face, pulling her gaze towards her, “ Look at me, Byulyi, you’re not a terrible person for feeling angry that Yongsun left. You’ve spent your entire life with her and you want more, there’s nothing wrong with that. Your anger is just as valid as Yongsun’s choice to leave. “

 

In the dim night, the pair’s eyes meet and Byulyi feels a little more broken than before. Time seems to slow down as she listens to Joohyun carefully, a wave of emotions wash over her as she feels a choked sob rising at the back of and she forces herself to swallow it. Her chest still feels heavy with loathing despite the relief she feels, it feels good to be able to admit that she is angry, she’s so ing angry and jealous that everyone else is able to live out forever with their loved ones and she can’t. But then, the guilt resurfaces just as quickly, because she’s going back on her words, because she agreed and said she would be okay with Yongsun leaving. 

 

“ There’s no shame in admitting that you aren’t able to let go of her, it’s natural to miss someone you’ve loved your entire life, Byulyi. “ the older woman reasons softly as she gently pats the heartbroken girl, “ I don’t know much about living in Eden, but I think it’s an amazing place to be, but you’re focusing a lot on how things could have been if Yongsun is here with you instead of how things actually are. “

 

Byulyi lets out a soft exhale, she hadn't realised that she's been holding her breath ever since Joohyun made her look at her. The vocalist watches her intently, her gaze soft and full of concern. Something about this moment, something about Joohyun’s gentle demeanour, makes her want to open up and fall apart all at once. Tears have long welled up in her eyes and now, the floodgates are open and the tears push past her lashes to leave wet streaks down her cheeks.

 

“ It’s not just that … I’m angry at myself for feeling upset … “ Byulyi confesses, her voice begins to crack and her words come out in a string of heavy, broken sentences, “ I’m angry because no matter what I do, I can’t seem to want to understand her choice, I can’t see why anyone wants to die in this day and age! “ She can’t look at Joohyun any longer so she buries her face in her hands, her breathing hitches as she tries to control the tears.

 

Joohyun feels her heart break a little at the sight of the devastated rapper attempting to lock away all her emotions, nobody should have to go through this pain, not alone at least. The vocalist pulls the vulnerable girl into her arms and Byulyi resists, however Joohyun remains firm and eventually, the rapper gives in. The younger girl’s bony shoulders dig into her chest while her head rests on the singer’s shoulders, as uncomfortable as it might be, it provides the solace that Byulyi needs.

 

“ To each their own, I suppose, being together for a lifetime doesn’t mean you have to agree with or understand all her views, she made her choice and so did you, “ Joohyun continues tenderly with a trace of caution in her voice, she glances at the static rapper in her arms, " maybe death provided something that life could not. “

 

A harrowing feeling settles in the depths of Byulyi’s chest and weighs heavily upon hearing Joohyun’s words. What did death provide that she couldn’t? Is Eden lacking somewhere, in a world with everything you could possibly dream of, what could be missing? 

 

“ I don’t get it … I just don’t … “ Byulyi repeats despondently, “ What’s missing in Eden? “

 

In her despair, Joohyun sees the difference of being alive and being a ghost all too clearly. Ghosts, they are people too, but something about being in Eden for a prolonged period of time takes away a vital piece of humanity, of them. 

 

“ If there’s no death, does life even matter? “

 

Oh.

 

Of course it would, why wouldn’t it? Byulyi scoffs quietly as Joohyun continues to speak.

 

“ Everyone has a reason, people choose to pass over because there’s things they’ve yet to do, things they still want to experience — they choose to hold on to life instead of celebrating the ephemerality of it. Though it’s an equally valid choice as choosing to die, what happens when you hold on for too long? “

 

Joohyun doesn’t look at Byulyi for long, her gaze flits to the dark horizon that feels and probably is endless, she contemplates if this is what Seulgi is experiencing. They were right for each other, far from perfect but compatible enough to spend a lifetime together. When Seulgi didn’t know how to speak, Joohyun would articulate her feelings with ease. These thoughts about Eden were merely what Seulgi felt and Joohyun couldn’t help but agree wholeheartedly.

 

“ Back at the stage, when you said I was merely another body waiting to die — the way you talked about death so easily, so weightlessly, it just made me feel how dehumanizing this world could really be. This world is limitless, yes, and you have everything you could ever want. But there’s no end, no consequences, no limits. Is there any weight to anything you do here, do the things you do matter or are they just for the fun and thrill of it all? “ Joohyun doesn’t hold back her thoughts and the singer’s words dig into Byulyi’s soul, she feels go dry and swallows in an attempt to ground herself, “ Maybe all Yongsun wanted was to celebrate life in its purest form and the only way to do that is to die. “

 

To be delivered an epiphany years after Yongsun’s death isn’t as liberating as she thought it would feel, to finally see something other than her anger, to finally see why her wife left — feels like another weight has been placed on her chest. Finally seeing reason yet unable to give it the understanding it deserves is truly the cruelest punishment. 

 

“ The only way to celebrate life is to die? “ Byulyi repeats softly, hearing the words leave help her to process where Joohyun is coming from a little better though she doesn’t entirely agree.

 

The vocalist hums softly, “ How else would you know the things you’ve done actually matters? How would you know how to cherish life? “

 

The rapper clenches her fists tightly, grabbing a handful of Joohyun’s hoodie in her hand, “ I just know it does, the things I do matter because I give it meaning. It matters because I think it matters. Shouldn’t that be how we define the weight of our choices? Shouldn’t life be about the experiences and the journeys? “

 

Joohyun exhales through her nostrils as she muses over Byulyi’s words, it’s clear that they have opposing ideals — hence the difference between choosing to pass over and choosing to die. But she tries to put herself in the shoes of the rapper anyway, toying with the new thoughts that have just been presented to her.

 

“ I suppose there’s more to life than we can ever comprehend, “ the vocalist finally sighs after a prolonged silence between the two, “ life to you is about the experiences but life to me is about the end points we set for ourselves, death is just the final end point to me. “

 

“ Why does it have to end then? “

 

“ Because I don’t think I could treasure the life I had if I knew there’s no end to it. “

 

“ Oh … “ Byulyi nods slowly, her mind feels a little clearer now that she’s beginning to see the other woman’s perspective, “ I think I understand where you’re coming from now. “

 

" We don't have to see eye to eye on this … There's no right or wrong answer, this is merely what I feel and possibly what Yongsun could've felt. " Joohyun whispers softly, Byulyi's hair gently.

 

Byulyi sighs tiredly, it feels like she's just been through a whole rollercoaster ride of emotions, " Thank you, unnie … I don't think anyone could've broken it down for me this easily. "

 

“ Thank you too, I feel like I’ve learnt something tonight, we have differing ideals but it’s intriguing to see from another point of view. “ Joohyun smiles at the younger girl in her arms who looks a little less broken now.

 

The rapper chuckles wryly, “ Well, they've always said that lifelong learning is important, isn’t it? “ 

 

“ Oh I bet it is, I’m learning something new even from my deathbed. “ the vocalist grins, mildly grateful that the atmosphere is beginning to lighten up.

 

The duo watches the ebbing and flowing of the tides for a little, slowly processing the heavy conversation they’ve just been through. It’s strange for Byulyi to be this intimate and open with someone other than her wife, yet it feels scarily right.

 

Not that she would ever admit it, but deep down in her heart, she knows that this is just what she needs to let go of Yongsun.

 

“ This world isn’t as perfect as it seems, it can get lonely sometimes. “ Byulyi mumbles softly, feeling oddly comfortable enough to bare her heart out to the leader.

 

“ You have Wheein and Hyejin, don’t you? “ Joohyun hums softly, “ Aren’t they enough? “

 

“ I- .. I don’t want to put this weight on them, they’ve been by my side ever since Yong died and … it just doesn’t feel fair if I’m always sad and angry around them. “

 

“ They’re your friends, Byulyi, they will listen, no matter what, lean on them when you need to because I doubt this world is any easier than the real world. “

 

Joohyun feels nice, Byulyi thinks as she sniffles into her companion’s chest, to be held so lovingly after months is enough for her to crumble. The rapper didn’t expect Bae Joohyun of all people to be the one to unpack all her emotional baggage. The pieces she’s left with after Yongsun’s departure had been used to build walls to keep anyone and everyone out, but Joohyun is dismantling them with ease, fixing each piece with tender loving care. 

 

Their conversation comes to a standstill and the silence between them is accompanied by the gentle crashing of the tides beneath them and a peaceful breeze of wind.  Byulyi feels a little lighter, the anguish in her heart dissipating with every minute she spends in the singer’s warm embrace. 

 

“ You can be okay in a world without Yongsun. “

 

“ Being okay isn’t the same as being happy. “

 

“ And yet, being okay is much better than crying your eyes out when you think of her. “

 

This earns a soft raspy laugh from the rapper, she stopped crying a while ago but she doesn’t want to leave Joohyun’s arms just yet. “ I’m not sure how to live without her, everything in Eden has been nothing but a distraction from the ache. “

 

“ We can find out together, “ Joohyun offers in a half-joking tone, not a day goes by without Seulgi popping into her head, if anything, the potential distraction that Eden could provide sounds like music to her ears, “ I could use this too. “

 

The younger girl pulls away from Joohyun’s chest and wipes away the remnants of her tears with the back of her hand. She takes a clear look at the vocalist who looks at her with a small, almost sad smile, she’s hiding something behind that inscrutable gaze of hers and Byulyi can only assume it’s the woes of being left behind. Perhaps they had more in common now, after the deaths of their wives, their broken hearts mirrored each other more than anything else.

 

“ Thank you, unnie. I didn’t think I’d ever talk about this with you — or anyone, really. “ Byulyi mumbles with gratitude and her usual crooked grin.

 

Joohyun shoots her a polite smile in return, “ You’re welcome, Byulyi, afterall, you were one of Seulgi’s best friends and Yongsun was one of my close friends. There’s no way I could’ve left you like this. I hope you feel a little better. “

 

“ I do, “ Byulyi responds honestly, it feels good to not feel suffocated by her own emotions, “ I really appreciate it. “

 

“ I’m glad to hear that. “

 

“ So, I’ll be seeing you again next week? “

 

Joohyun hums softly and nods, turning her gaze away from the rapper to face the endless darkness in the distant horizon. It’s okay to spend a couple of weekends here, she muses, at least she’ll get to experience what Seulgi experienced.

 

A particularly large wave crashes into the shore and Byulyi glances at Joohyun discreetly, under the dim moonlight, she wonders what secrets the older girl hides in her heart. In that moment, she decides that she wants to get to know Joohyun, she wants to see her in all her glory, without walls or facades hiding the pain.

 

She wants to see Joohyun come alive and love this world as much as she does.

 

“ I’d really like that, unnie. I’ll show you why life to me is all about the experiences, I’ll make you want to live. “

 

“ I’d like to see you try. “

 

The clock strikes midnight and Byulyi is alone on the dock, scoffing quietly to herself as she stares up into the dark heavens, wondering if this faux world has faux gods — and if there are, would they listen to her prayers?

 

The spot that Joohyun was doesn’t leave any trace of warmth, it’s like she was never even there in the first place. The rapper gets up a couple of minutes and begins to stroll along the shore back to the shared mansion of the Loser Crew. With a newfound resolve, she decides that tonight would be the night she finally shares her woes with her friends. If anything, Joohyun is right about choosing the lesser of two evils — that being okay might just be slightly better than being heartbroken and angry all the time.

 

She’s going to learn how to be okay in a world without Kim Yongsun.

 

 

---

 

" Yongsun-unnie died today. "

 

Seulgi's voice breaks the silence in their patio, where they'd usually spend their mornings lounging on a comfortable sofa after breakfast. Spring season is usually peaceful by the countryside, with trees swaying along to the gentle breeze and the twittering of birdsong echoing through the lands every once in a while. Joohyun has been reading in the comfort of her wife's embrace, her head sinking into her shoulders, so engrossed in her book that she has to ask the aged woman to repeat her sentence.

 

Seulgi, who sits by her older wife, looks to the clouds, " Yongsun-unnie, she's passed on. Byulie-unnie turned off the life support machines today. " she repeats her sentence softly with her tone full of sorrow.

 

" Do you mean pass over? " Joohyun frowns as she shuts her book and places it in the space next to her, years of being with Kang Seulgi made it easy to know when her wife wanted to talk.

 

The younger woman shakes her head gently, her gaze still focused on the heavens. Her arm is wrapped around Joohyun and her fingers trace circular patterns on the other girl's arm mindlessly.

 

" She's dead, dead. "

 

" … Oh. "

 

Joohyun blinks at the realisation, they have been close friends over the years and their wives were equally good friends. She's aware that Yongsun hasn't been doing too well in the past few months and has even visited her multiple times.

 

But Kim Yongsun dying feels … odd. It felt like a glitch in the matrix, as if a wrong choice had been made.

 

Of all people, Joohyun never expected Yongsun to die. Her friend and fellow leader was one of the few people she knew that genuinely lived her life to the fullest. To pass up on a chance to live forever doesn't sound like something Yongsun would do. Then again, there were parts of her that Joohyun would never understand even after decades of friendship.

 

" We should pay our respects, I suppose, " Joohyun says after a long silence, she’s unsure of how she should exactly respond, " How is Moonbyul? "

 

Joohyun has never gotten close enough to Byulyi to address her by her real name instead of her stage name. They remained on friendly terms despite being close friends with the other's wives. And as technology advances with their age, she can't really remember the last time she's been to a funeral instead of a pass over ceremony.

 

" Wheein and Hyejin are taking care of Byulie-unnie, she's going to be okay, I think, " Seulgi murmurs with a slight shrug, " they'll notify everyone officially soon I suppose. "

 

The older woman nods understandingly, resting her head on Seulgi’s chest and she wraps her arms closely around the younger woman’s waist, snuggling a little closer to her wife as if death would snatch her Seulgi away too.

 

It would, at some point, but they'd still have some time.

 

" We haven't talked about this much, but would you pass over? " Seulgi asks after a long silence.

 

Joohyun glances up at her aged wife, she studies her features carefully as she ponders over the question. It’s not a question that she thinks about often since it’s not one that required an answer immediately, but if it came down to it, she isn’t sure. " Would you? " the older woman asks, quirking her eyebrow upwards curiously and turning the question back onto her wife.

 

Seulgi clicks her teeth and huffs before whining, " Don’t answer my question with a question, I asked you first, Hyun-ah! "

 

This earns a soft giggle from the singer, " I'm curious about your answer too, Seul, tell me. " she begs by planting a few kisses on her wife's cheek.

 

Seulgi cracks into a small smile as she basks in the affection, " Okay, okay, " she gives in easily, she could never say no to Joohyun, " I don't think I want to. "

 

Joohyun is a little surprised though there’s no change in her expression, the slight raise of her eyebrow doesn't hide her emotions from Seulgi, " I thought you liked Eden. "

 

The dancer hums softly as she nods, " Yeah, but … I don't know — It could be fun for a little while but to stay there forever? It just doesn't feel right … "

 

“ It feels like you’re cheating death? “ Joohyun articulates with ease.

 

Her wife sighs contentedly with a gentle bob of her head, “ Somehow, you always know the right words. “

 

“ It’s what I would feel too, “ Joohyun adds softly, mildly relieved that they wanted the same things, reaching for her wife’s hand and holding it gently, she continues speaking, “ so I take that we’re on the same page? “

 

“ When was the last time we’ve disagreed, Hyun? “

 

“ Can’t remember — I’m old now. “

 

“ You’ve been using that excuse since you were 40. “

 

“ You haven’t done anything about it for 40 years either. “

 

“ You’re so annoying sometimes, Bae Joohyun-ah, but I love you. “

 

“ I love you too, Kang Seulgi. “

 

 

---

 

It’s the beginning of autumn when Joohyun first meets Byulyi in Eden and as the two spend more and more time together, the seasons begin to change. Her doctors don’t think she’ll make it past next spring but her body feels like it can barely make it to the new year, it’ll be a miracle if she does.

 

Every Saturday, Joohyun enters the system as a trial tourist. And every Saturday, Byulyi waits for her at the stage. Like clockwork, they would travel around the virtual world with one rule. The rule happened to be the same as the Loser Crew’s rule. To not be a loser.

 

Everything Byulyi did with Wheein and Hyejin almost two years ago is experienced by Joohyun as well. Everything from free-falling to riding on Byulyi’s bike at maximum speed on roads that never seem to end, anything that Joohyun even thought of, they did. It feels like she’s experiencing a whole new life, she isn’t Irene anymore, she’s just plain old Bae Joohyun, another tourist in Eden who’s been too busy to live.

 

Joohyun didn’t think it would be possible to feel alive in a world like Eden but her guide and companion is proving her wrong with every weekend she spends in the system.

 

Byulyi, on the other hand, doesn’t notice it at first, but as the seasons change, the hollowness in her chest is slowly getting filled with fragments of Joohyun. Thinking about Yongsun doesn’t ache as much as it did before and missing her slowly becomes a rare occurrence.

 

Winter arrives, the two continue to spend every Saturday together without fail. Byulyi has picked up a habit of tracking time in the system, something she’s never bothered to do since time was boundless, yet four hours always feels too short. As much as she loved spending time with Wheein and Hyejin, being with Joohyun is an entirely different experience and she can’t help but look forward to their Saturdays.

 

Joohyun is shy most of the time but when she’s excited, she can be louder than all of the Loser Crew combined. They talk about their wives sometimes, talking about the good, the bad and the ugly. They talk about their lives, their careers, their past and all their fears. It doesn’t take long for them to find companionship with each other, most of the time, Byulyi tells her about what’s new in Eden during the week while Joohyun mentions what new medications she’s on or what the other patients talk about. 

 

They form a simple relationship, acting as each other’s pillars in a new world without their lovers.

 

 

---

 

December 22nd happens to fall on a Wednesday, so Byulyi’s hopes of being able to celebrate her birthday with Joohyun are dashed pretty quickly. Though her birthday being this close to the holidays meant that she’d get to see the vocalist a little more, tourists usually get to log in during the holidays for a little longer but it depends on their physical conditions as well.

 

It’s alright, she supposes, after all, she still has Wheein and Hyejin celebrating her birthday with her. After having a much-needed heart to heart talk with the two a few months back, Byulyi feels a little more open to talking to them and their friendship has gotten even stronger.

 

Under the dingy lights of a small barbeque restaurant, a boisterous laugh echoed above the usual chatter of the other patrons and Hyejin could be seen looking down at the sizzling grill, wanting no affiliation to her best friend, Jung Wheein.

 

Byulyi and Wheein have been taking shots ever since they sat down, the younger girl jokingly said that the rapper would have to do 83 shots to celebrate but who knew their unnie would actually be serious about it. Seeing Byulyi’s resolve, Wheein joins in and by their tenth shot, Hyejin has to force them to switch to regular old beer instead.

 

With flushed cheeks, Wheein reaches across the table to poke Byulyi’s arm as Hyejin feeds her a juicy piece of freshly grilled meat. “ So, unnie! What do you usually do on your Saturdates with Joohyun-unnie? “ the drunk girl asks in a voice that’s several decibels too high, the alcohol has really dulled her senses and she’s painfully unaware of how loud she is.

 

Saturdates are what Wheein and Hyejin have decided to coin the Saturdays that Byulyi spends with Joohyun, their reasoning being that it was always just the two of them and no one else ever tagged along. Not that she would ever say it aloud, but she likes spending time with Joohyun alone and she isn’t sure if the singer is even keen on spending time with anyone else — that’s the excuse she uses to deflect the two girls’ endless demands.

 

Needless to say, after weeks of whining, Byulyi finally relented and agreed to arrange something for all of them to hang out together — something being the upcoming Christmas holidays, Joohyun is going to join the Loser Crew in some merry celebrations in their humble abode.

 

It’s been a while since things in Eden are ever this exciting, Byulyi is really looking forward to Christmas for the first time since she’s been here.

 

“ It’s just about the same as what we do, our list comes in handy. “ Byulyi shrugs easily as she shoves a piece of meat into .

 

Hyejin hums with an amused smirk, “ I can never imagine Joohyun-unnie as someone who would go free falling. “

 

“ Do we look like skydivers, Hyejin-ah? “ Wheein slurs as she wraps a hand around her best friend’s shoulder, “ No! So stop judging Joohyun-unnie! “

 

“ Yah! Jung Wheein! You’re too loud! “ Hyejin winces at the volume of Wheein’s voice and huffs in annoyance. The maknae then turns to the rapper while rolling her eyes, “ Honestly, unnie, what is Joohyun-unnie actually like? “

 

Byulyi furrows her eyebrows at the question, it’s not like they didn’t know Joohyun. Mamamoo and Red Velvet had been somewhat close, but it’s true that she got to see a different side of Joohyun, one that she doesn’t show to just about anyone.

 

That Joohyun feels like it’s reserved just for Byulyi.

 

“ She’s pretty fun, “ Byulyi’s shoulders rise as she nonchalantly responds, “ she’s a pretty good listener too. “

 

Hyejin narrows her eyes and purses her lips, “ Are you saying that we aren’t? “

 

The rapper sighs and smiles sweetly, “ It’s different, Hyejin-ah, I love you both but talking to her just feels like the biggest problems can shrink away into nothing. “

 

Wheein hums in an unamused tone, “ Things are changing in Loser Crew, I miss Yongsun-unnie. “ This earns her a painful nudge in the ribs from her best friend and the two begin to argue over whether it’s okay to mention Yongsun in front of their previously immensely heartbroken unnie.

 

“ It’s okay, I miss Yong too, but these days it doesn’t hurt as much to think of her. “ Byulyi admits as she takes a swig from a bottle of beer. 

 

These days, her thoughts are mostly filled with Joohyun and what they should do during their Saturdates. Not that anyone would know, but she tries her best to make every Saturdate as unique as it can be because she never knows when it’s going to be the last one, and that takes a lot more effort and planning than she’d like to reveal.

 

“ How long has it been? Almost three years? “ Hyejin nods solemnly as she follows Byulyi in taking a sip of beer.

 

“ Give or take, I don’t suppose we’ve been keeping track of time very well. “ the older girl smiles wryly as she swipes a piece of meat off the sizzling grill.

 

Wheein snorts loudly as she slams her hands on the tables with a little too much force, causing the cutleries to rattle and fall off their bowls, “ Are you sure, unnie? Because you keep track of time really well from 8pm to midnight every Saturday. “

 

Byulyi rolls her eyes and reaches a hand across the table, her bony finger sends a hard flick to the younger girl’s forehead, her bangs don’t do much to negate the pain and she yelps out in pain. “ Isn’t it my birthday tonight, Jung Wheein? What’s with all these malicious attacks? “ the rapper clicks her teeth.

 

“ Yah! I was just curious about what you guys do since you never tell us, “ the vocalist responds with a pout as she rubs her forehead indignantly, “ if you do it’s always so vague like what do you mean she’s fun? Aren’t we fun as well? “

 

“ Is our Wheeinie jealous? “ Hyejin teases with a cheeky grin and Byulyi joins in, the conversation quickly drifts into some lighthearted banter between the Loser Crew.

 

So, this is how Moon Byulyi spends her 83rd birthday in a dingy barbeque restaurant in a virtual world surrounded by her chosen family and where the absence of Kim Yongsun doesn’t hurt her as much as it did before. 

 

After a proper meal with many drinks, the trio decides that they would head home to eat some ice cream and pass out while watching a subpar movie in their matching pyjamas. Wheein is snoring on Hyejin's lap within half an hour into a terrible romcom she picked so the remaining members of the Loser Crew settled for muting the television and having a quiet conversation.

 

" What are our plans for Christmas with Joohyun-unnie? " Hyejin leans back into their comfortable sofa and she plays with Wheein's hair, almost certain her best friend has passed out for the night.

 

Byulyi shrugs, " The usual? Order some food and play some board games I guess. " 

 

That's how they spent most of their Christmases in the real world, it had become a tradition that they carried on into this virtual afterlife. They did try to celebrate it with all the other residents in town once, but it was way too crowded for their liking, they liked to spend the holidays quietly.

 

So takeout and board games stayed the norm.

 

Hyejin nods slowly, " I thought you'd want to bring Joohyun-unnie to town at least, show her what Christmas is really like. "

 

" That's what Eden's Christmas is really like, not ours. Plus, I thought you two wanted to get to know her a little more. " the rapper murmurs while facing the ceiling, she might just fall asleep at this rate.

 

" Yeah because we don't make many new friends here, unnie. Joohyun-unnie isn't exactly a stranger, it's about time we adopted her into this Loser Crew. " Hyejin points out with a small grin.

 

Byulyi rolls her eyes and groans, " Joohyun doesn't belong in this Loser Crew, besides, it's not like she's staying. "

 

" She's not passing over? " the maknae's eyes widen slightly but she hides her surprise well.

 

Byulyi shakes her head as her eyes begin to close, " She's a little like Yong, one life might just be enough for them. "

 

" You know the unwritten rule about getting close with the tourists … " Hyejin warns in a low tone filled with concern.

 

" I know, Hyejinie, but she's just been … healing … Being around her just makes me forget how much it hurts when I miss Yong. " the rapper mutters with a yawn, the need for sleep is beginning to overwhelm her.

 

" Unnie … " 

 

" She's a friend, Hyejin-ah, the least I could do is accompany her in her last few months. "

 

" Are you sure? "

 

" Mhm … "

 

" I don't want to assume things … But just be careful, okay? " 

 

Hyejin's words are met with silence because the older girl doesn’t exactly know how to respond. Truth is, she’s aware of these potential feelings for Joohyun but not saying it aloud, not acknowledging them, helps her to repress it a little better.

 

She’s not going to open her Pandora’s box of a heart, not right now. That day might come years after Joohyun is long gone and Byulyi can learn to live with the guilt of loving someone other than Yongsun.

 

In the prolonged silence, Hyejin can only assume that the rapper has been lulled into a deep sleep with nothing but sweet dreams. The vocalist sighs as she gets comfortable on the couch as well, she's stuck since she's going to disrupt Wheein if she moves. 

 

Maybe it's for the better that Byulyi fell asleep when she did, she thinks quietly. Hyejin doesn't want to put unnecessary thoughts into her head when the older girl is finally learning how to let go of her grief.

 

This would be a topic for another time, one where Byulyi is awake and sober and all too aware of what Joohyun means to her.

 

 

---

 

Christmas morning came accompanied with some light snowfall and some celebrations at the facility that Joohyun has spent the past few months in. She receives calls from her dear friends and spends some time catching up with them, Sooyoung and Yerim share updates about their family while Seungwan shares with Joohyun a new song she’s been working on. The leader couldn’t be more thankful that her body is cooperating so she can stay lucid for the whole day instead of being fed drug after drug.

 

She’s in a good mood when the evening rolls around and she begins her weekly ritual. The stage is empty as usual and Byulyi is never punctual so Joohyun takes her spot on the edge of the stage as she always does. Fiddling around with her appearance, she dons a terrible Christmas themed sweater with a cheesy pun.

 

Snickering at herself quietly, she looks at the news updates in Eden. This week's are all unsurprisingly about Christmas celebrations, showing off which are the most popular time periods and places of the season. She skims through the pictures half-heartedly as she longs to see these views in the flesh.

 

Everything looks beautiful here, maybe she'd be able to feel the snow here since it's the best she's going to get with her deteriorating condition.

 

" No way, you picked that too? " a familiar voice startles her, causing her to jump in surprise. 

 

Placing a hand on her chest, she turns around to see Byulyi in the exact same ridiculous sweater. " You scared me! " she exclaims as the rapper bounces over with a big grin.

 

" I can't believe we're wearing the exact same thing. Why the hell would you pick this? " Byulyi chuckles as she takes a seat next to the vocalist.

 

Joohyun rolls her eyes and looks down at the sweater with a slight pout, " I thought it would be fun, since it's Christmas. What's Christmas without ugly sweaters? "

 

The younger girl gasps dramatically, " It's not ugly, it screams fun. "

 

" It screams to be made fun of. " the leader retorts with a nudge to Byulyi's arm.

 

" Whatever you say, we're both wearing it so who wins? " 

 

“ Not us obviously, “ Joohyun giggles and turns to face the younger woman, “ so what’s the plan for tonight? “

 

“ There are no plans, it'll just be a typical Christmas with the Loser Crew, so let's go before those two starts complaining. "

 

" Sounds exciting to spend Christmas with a bunch of losers. "

 

" You've been spending your Saturdays with this loser already, what's adding another two to the mix? "

 

" I’m sure it’ll be extra fun. “ Joohyun shoots her a small smile which fades quickly.

 

By now, Byulyi is more aware of the vocalist’s body language, though Joohyun is still hard to read, at least now she can tell when she has something on her mind. “ Okay, what’s up? You’ve got that look. “ the rapper sighs as she nudges her companion lightly.

 

The leader shakes her head gently, “ It’s nothing, it’s kind of dumb. “

 

“ Come on, you know you can tell me anything. “ Byulyi coaxes lightly, “ if it’s within my means, consider it done. “

 

“ I just want to feel the snow, “ Joohyun admits shyly, looking at her feet instead of at the rapper, “ it’s been awhile since I’ve felt real snow. “

 

Byulyi sighs with relief and wraps a hand around Joohyun’s shoulder, pulling her into a side hug, “ That’s way too easy, unnie. You don’t have to feel shy about it, it’s not dumb. “

 

“ It just feels too simple, Byul-ah. “ the leader sighs as she rests her head on the rapper’s bony shoulders.

 

The action has become rather commonplace in the months they’ve spent together so the mild discomfort no longer bothers her. If there’s anything they’ve learnt about each other, is that they both take comfort in physical affection, so hugs of any kind are more than welcomed.

 

“ Shouldn’t you know by now that we’re going to do anything you want? “

 

“ You spoil me too much. “

 

“ Let’s drive, unnie. “

 

The city lights accompanied with some light snowfall is a sight the rapper doesn't want her companion to miss, so the short ten minute drive turned into half an hour. As much as Eden is lovely all year round, there’s something about the winter that brings out a different kind of beauty. 

 

There’s a shift that only happens during the winter — most of the residents slow down from their thrills and settle into calmer routines to bring in the new year or the end of their lives forever. Yet, it doesn’t feel as terrifying as it sounds, anyone that does leave, leaves without a shred of regret.

 

Days like these make it feel like Eden is a world meant for fantastical creatures instead of lost souls.

 

 

---

 

The mansion that the trio shares comes alive during the holidays, it's the only time they ever bother to do anything about the huge space they have and Hyejin demands that the least they could do is decorate a tree.

 

A large tree sits in the corner of the living room, with twinkling lights and ornaments of all shapes and sizes bringing out the Christmas spirit — well, most of the decorations do, save for the four Teletubby ornaments near the top.

 

The Loser Crew likes things easy, virtual tree, virtual takeaway food, convenience is the key to their hearts. But convenience isn't all, good food being eaten on time is too.

 

Hyejin has been sitting on the couch, staring at the large clock on the wall, on the precipice of whining to her best friend about how late their unnie is when she hears the door unlock. Jumping to her feet, she makes a beeline for the door in time to see the rapper barging in with a huge grin.

 

" She's here! " Byulyi announces loudly when she finally returns with Joohyun.

 

" What took you so long? " Hyejin clicks her teeth as she greets the two older women at the door, " Hi, Joohyun-unnie. "

 

" Hello, Hyejin, " Joohyun smiles politely, " We drove, Byul wanted to show me the scenery. " 

 

Hyejin nods with a slight smirk, folding her arms across her chest, " I see, did she force you to wear that ugly thing too? " 

 

Joohyun feels her cheeks flush with heat and she's a little self-conscious of what she's chosen to wear, " It was a coincidence, I thought it'd be fun to wear this. "

 

" It's not that ugly, Hyejin-ah, we were going to pick that but Moonbyul-ssi called dibs on it, " Wheein chirps up from Hyejin's side, " nice to finally see you again, unnie. "

 

" Alright let's go in and we can continue this conversation. " Byulyi interrupts and pushes the three women into the living room, ready to start a night full of merry celebrations. 

 

Unfortunately for them, Joohyun only has until midnight because her physical body didn't qualify for the extra hours, so there is no time to waste. Ordering from Eden's most popular fast food chain has become a yearly ritual, so this year is no exception.

 

With some fried chicken and beer, Wheein and Hyejin begin their relentless interrogation and Byulyi wishes she hadn't agreed to this.

 

Joohyun, on the other hand, is more than elated to catch up with the two younger women. It's been way too long since she's actually seen them and the last time might have been at Yongsun's funeral. It's always better to meet under festive circumstances rather than tragic ones.

 

Time passes quickly but Byulyi seems to be in another plane of existence. Sharing her weekly four hours of Joohyun with others makes the time pass much faster, it sounds selfish to say this but she doesn't like the idea of sharing very much.

 

Her disappointment doesn't slip past the leader's watchful gaze. Joohyun notices the lack of the rapper's usual jokes and overall cheeriness shortly after dinner started and she could only wonder why. If she's worried about Byulyi, she definitely doesn't let it show because the conversation carries on without the others suspecting a thing.

 

The women move from the dining table to the living room after dinner to begin a night of not so casual board games. The Loser Crew is relentless when it comes to Monopoly and yet, with Joohyun in their leagues, it’s laughable to even think that they stood a chance. They drown their sorrows in soju, mostly the two biggest losers since Byulyi managed to hold on till the end. 

 

Wheein and Hyejin are both lying on the carpeted floor, less than sober and away in their own world while the two companions make themselves comfortable on the couch and Joohyun takes the chance to lean against Byulyi's arms. The rapper snaps out of her haze and glances at the vocalist who offers her a concerned smile, the look in Joohyun's eyes tells her that she should’ve put a little more effort into hiding her displeasure.

 

" Are you okay? " Joohyun whispers softly, not wanting the two other women to hear her.

 

Byulyi nods weakly, if she still had a physical body, she would've used a terrible excuse like she's tired.

 

The leader doesn't press her for more even though she knows she's lying, part of her knows Byulyi will tell her in due time. So in an attempt to comfort her companion, she reaches for Byulyi's hand and gives it a gentle squeeze before drawing mindless circles on her skin with her thumb. 

 

Feeling her Joohyun's touch on her skin is enough for her to let go of her negative thoughts. Having Joohyun’s attention on her is a guilty pleasure, merely knowing that there are certain parts of Joohyun that can't be shared, that these parts are just for her, puts her on cloud nine.

 

But at the same time, it brings about nothing but confliction and turmoil in her heart.

 

 

---

 

With the two younger women passed out from the drinks and midnight rapidly approaching, the idols decide to call it a night. After hauling the two into bed, Byulyi brings Joohyun to the roof to watch the stars, the view hasn’t changed, if anything stays consistent in Eden, it’s the scenery.

 

The pair leans against the glass railings, listening to the distant waves. It feels like ages ago when Byulyi poured her heart out to the leader, since then, everything else has felt easy to get off her chest.

 

" Is something wrong? " Joohyun asks gently while shooting the younger woman a concerned look, " You've been off since dinner. "

 

Byulyi has been resting her chin on her arms but she nods slightly, looking at the dark horizon instead of her companion. " It's nothing. " she lies a little too smoothly that she feels guilty.

 

Joohyun sighs loudly, poking the rapper's arm lightly, " Byul-ah, what's wrong? We've been sharing everything, you can tell me anything. "

 

Not everything, Byulyi thinks.

 

Byulyi knows fully well that if she looks Joohyun in the eyes now, all her emotions might just come undone. Now that they’re alone, she can’t stop thinking about the look in Joohyun’s eyes, the phantom feeling of her touch on her skin, the little things that Joohyun does that makes her heart flutter. So she focuses her gaze on the stars in the sky, the tiny flakes of snow falling, the darkness of it all, focusing on anything but Joohyun.

 

" Byulyi, I'm serious. " the leader moves closer and tiptoes so that she can poke her head into Byulyi's line of sight, her wide eyes meet with dark orbs for a split second.

 

But the rapper averts her gaze quickly, opting to look at the ground now, " I'll just tell you next week. " she shrugs casually and lies yet again.

 

" Moon Byulyi, " Joohyun frowns sternly, she can’t help but feel the uneasiness building in her chest, “  tell me what's wrong now because I refuse to be worried over you for a whole week. “

 

A tense silence hangs between the two and there's only five minutes left before her companion has to return to her failing body and it didn't feel right to end Christmas with an argument. Joohyun is somehow relentless when it comes to coaxing Byulyi to confide in her, well — more like the rapper caves after she’s asked more than twice.

 

" I just … I just like spending time with you … Alone … " Byulyi mumbles weakly, picking her words with extra care lest they expose her true feelings. She wants to tell Joohyun everything but she knows that the consequences could be disastrous for their current relationship, some things are just better off left unsaid.

 

These words are enough to make Joohyun soften up, wrapping an arm around the taller girl, she speaks gently to lighten up the atmosphere, “ How strange, I feel the same way too. “

 

The rapper chuckles lightly as she leans into Joohyun, basking in her affection. " It just sounds selfish of me to say it. " Byulyi admits shamefully though she feels a little better now that it's off her chest.

 

" As much as I like Wheein and Hyejin, " the vocalist nods thoughtfully as she looks down at the girl in her arms and squeezes her arm lightly, " I still like you a little more. "

 

The only thing that Byulyi could feel is the butterflies in her stomach, hearing such tender words from her companion makes her heart leap with happiness but she's unable to show any of it without the risk of compromising what they currently have. 

 

Scoffing softly, Byulyi turns to look at the leader with her eyebrows ticking up in amusement, " Just a little? We've been spending all our Saturdays together for the past few months. "

 

Joohyun purses her lips and shakes her head, " Maybe I'd like you a bit more if you were more honest with your feelings. " she retorts teasingly but part of her is more than serious, perhaps the lighthearted tone is for her to test the waters.

 

The rapper swallows nervously and turns away from the leader, even their casual banter is making her chest bubble with joy. She's not sure how long she can lie to herself about Joohyun being a mere distraction.

 

" Thank you for inviting me to spend Christmas with you guys, it was simple but I enjoyed it. " Joohyun continues with a contented sigh, spending her time in a virtual world with real people is better than spending it confined in a bed by her lonesome.

 

" You're always welcome to join next year. " Byulyi jokes weakly, since that night at the pier, it's become her personal yet almost impossible goal to get Joohyun to change her mind about Eden.

 

Joohyun tenses up and exhales softly, the words leave before she can even stop herself.

 

" Maybe. "

 

Maybe. This one word from the vocalist lights a hopeful fire in Byulyi's heart and she clings to it desperately. Maybe she would consider staying. Maybe she would stay.

 

Maybe — a word that could mean everything or nothing at all.

 

" That's a big jump from a harsh no. " the rapper notes with a huge grin on her face, with this newfound hope, she feels brave enough to finally look her companion in the eyes.

 

Joohyun has always been a quiet person, she hides her feelings behind her enigmatic facade and it's like no one knows what she's thinking exactly. But her eyes convey more than words ever could, with her gaze locked onto the rapper’s gentle eyes, she no longer feels the fear holding her back.

 

Byulyi watches the vocalist carefully, wondering if the next words that come out from would dash what little hope she's holding on to.

 

" You're changing me, Byulyi. "

 

For Joohyun, confessing to Byulyi is much easier than admitting the truth to herself. 

 

She likes Eden, she loves it. She loves the Saturdays she spends with Byulyi, she loves their talks, her presence — and maybe Byulyi too.

 

But every time she thinks about passing over, she thinks about the lifetime she's spent with Seulgi and it holds her back from this paradise. How could she live in a world without Seulgi? How could she go back on her words like this? 

 

How could she ever love someone other than Seulgi?

 

" Is that a bad thing? "

 

Joohyun draws a shaky breath and exhales through her nostrils, " I don't know. "

 

" We can talk about this, I'll be here for as long as you need. " Byulyi smiles hopefully as she stands up straight and turns to face the fragile vocalist.

 

" Thank you. " Joohyun throws herself against the rapper and wraps her arms tightly around the taller girl, it just feels like she needs to do this before her time runs out.

 

Byulyi reciprocates the action by running her hand down the small of the vocalist's back soothingly while Joohyun has her arms around the back of her neck. The leader inhales deep breaths to slow the intense beating of her heart, wondering if the girl that’s holding on to her is feeling as conflicted as she is. It’s rare for Joohyun to let down her walls and be this vulnerable, it’s a little scary to experience it all first hand since Byulyi has more often than not been the one who needed the reassuring words and warm hugs.

 

“ It’s okay, Hyun-ah, “ the rapper coos gently, “ I will be here next week and well, forever. “

 

Joohyun buries her face into her shoulder and Byulyi tightens her hold around the smaller woman. At this point, it’s unclear who’s holding who together but it’s evident that they both want this — whatever this might be.

 

“ Do you think you could fall in love again? “

 

“ What? “

 

“ Can you love someone after Yongsun? “

 

For a few moments, Byulyi is transported back to one of her very last conversations with her wife. She never gave Yongsun a proper answer only because she thought that even if she could love someone else, she’d never want to.

 

But seasons change and people change.

 

“ I never wanted to but I think I might’ve already. “

 

The leader tenses up and swallows nervously, being vulnerable is terrifying but so exhilarating at the same time. Her virtual heart beats rapidly and she feels go dry at the thought of Byulyi falling for her, it feels wrong, like she’s breaking the laws of love.

 

Love isn’t supposed to be like this, what they have is built on the reliance of each other, what they have is the aftermath of two lovers left behind in a perfect forever. This isn’t love.

 

But if this isn’t love, then there are no rules to be broken.

 

" I didn't get you anything for your birthday. " the leader mutters into the crook of her neck.

 

" What are you going to give me in a world where I have everything? "

 

The vocalist pulls back from the hug and cups the rapper's face with her freezing hands. She hesitates for a moment when she looks into Byulyi's longing orbs, a reassuring feeling surges through the depths of her heart and she dives headfirst into the unknown.

 

" Happy birthday. "

 

Joohyun steps a little closer and presses her lips against Byulyi's and all she can think of is how nice it would be to stay, how nice it would be to continue living. 

 

How nice it would be to love again.

 

The rapper’s eyes widen as she processes the situation, as stunned as she is, it feels like she’s floating and drowning all at once. Everything she’s felt about Joohyun, the happiness, the love, the guilt — they make her feel suffocated. A single tear runs down her cheek and she leans into Joohyun a little more, wanting to savour this as much as she can even if she’s left as broken as before at the end of it all.

 

Perhaps it is an unwritten law of the universe, but nothing good ever lasts. At the of midnight, Joohyun is ripped from her arms and she stumbles to the ground.

 

Joohyun is gone without a trace yet again, but this time, her absence stings. To finally get what she’s been unknowingly craving for yet having it taken away just as quickly feels a little too cruel, if there are faux gods in this faux world, they must be having a blast.

 

Lying on the ground, she looks up at the darkness of the skies, constellations glittering against the heavens. A slight smile creeps onto Byulyi’s lips and she lets out a bittersweet chuckle. She moves her hands over her icy lips, chasing the feeling of her companion’s soft lips on hers. One thing she knows for sure now is that Joohyun isn’t just a distraction, she’s so much more than that.

 

 

---

 

In the days following Christmas, Byulyi keeps to herself. She doesn’t tell anyone about what happened, she doesn’t talk about the feelings she might have, she doesn’t do anything because really, what could she do? Telling her two chosen family members would only lead to them bombarding her with more questions than she’d ever know how to answer, maybe just feeling her feelings is enough for now.

 

The guilt of loving another eats her up on the inside but she wants this, she wants Joohyun to stay and they can work out whatever this is. It didn’t matter how it ended, she’d be okay knowing that Joohyun still exists and isn’t just another fragment of her memory.

 

With Joohyun by her side, she can finally live in a world without Yongsun. Part of her knows she'll be okay without Joohyun too, it all boils down to a matter of time and she has plenty of it. Yet, the other part of her is afraid to go through all the hurt again.

 

The absence of Joohyun frightens her but what she didn't know is how soon she would face that emptiness.

 

On the first Saturday of the new year, Bae Joohyun isn’t in Eden at 8pm.

 

8:05 pm.

 

Byulyi sits on the stage in her usual spot, dangling her legs off the edge as she waits. A week has passed since that night and it makes her a little nervous to see Joohyun again. Would it cause a shift in their dynamic? Would they even talk about what happened? They should, right? 

 

8:10pm.

 

Time ticks by and she gets a little antsy, Joohyun has never been late before, she is always here when Byulyi arrives. She’s still not here even though Byulyi expects her to magically appear with reasoning along the lines of a system malfunction.

 

8:30pm.

 

Byulyi doesn’t know what to do, the most logical explanation she has is that Joohyun is avoiding her. It feels like she’s been kicked aside, Joohyun is the one that initiated that kiss, she didn’t deserve to be treated like this. Her thoughts progressively get worse the longer she spends thinking, she’s unable to ignore the worry that’s building up in her chest as time goes on, it looms above her like a grey cloud.

 

9pm.

 

Maybe she’s sick.

 

It's a thought she doesn't want to entertain but there's nothing to distract her. Joohyun's physical condition has been progressively deteriorating and the handful of months that she has is slowly ticking away.

 

For a moment, on that empty and quiet stage, she swears she can hear the beeping of Yongsun’s machines again. It feels exactly the same as that hospital room she spent months in, cold and empty with thoughts of death lingering in her mind.

 

She shakes that thought away quickly, Joohyun wouldn’t leave without saying goodbye, right? Of course, she wouldn’t. How could she just leave after they’ve spent the last few months together?

 

Well, Yongsun did leave after spending an entire lifetime with her, why would Joohyun be any different?

 

She scoffs quietly and throws a hard slap against her own cheek, she’s ashamed for even having that thought. The physical pain doesn’t help much when it comes to her mind, it’s bent on making her go through every single bad thought fathomable.

 

She knows Yongsun, but Joohyun? Joohyun is a different person entirely, even after all these months, there are still parts of her that remain an enigma to the rapper. There are certain things they don’t talk about, certain things Byulyi will never understand and these things make her question how much she actually knows her.

 

Who is she to Joohyun anyway? 

 

Are they friends? Companions? Two lovers?

 

She doesn’t exactly know, calling them friends should be the most appropriate label but now, it feels like they’re a little more than that.

 

Byulyi clutches her fists tightly, her nails digging into the skin of her palms, leaving crescent-shaped marks in their wake. The pain brings her back to reality and away from her spiralling thoughts but they return just as quickly as they left. 

 

10pm.

 

Maybe Bae Joohyun died.