Sooyoung’s point of view

Pacing the room, I look up at the clock: 00:35. Where was she? She was supposed to have been home hours ago. The only sounds to be heard in the otherwise silent room were my frantic footsteps, heavy breathing and the ticking of the clock on the wall. What was normally the comfiest room in our house was now feeling empty and cold. I flopped down onto the sofa, letting out another heavy sigh. “Jiwoo, where are you? Please come home” I said audibly despite being all alone.

I tried her phone again. It rang and rang but went to voicemail. Again. No texts from her, and she hadn’t even opened the last three messages I’d sent her. I was getting beyond worried, it’s so uncharacteristic of her to forget to tell me she was going to be home late, let alone nearly 7 hours late from work. Jiwoo was usually so thoughtful, so considerate, and so typically sweet that I was worried when I received no word of my girlfriend’s whereabouts.

I tried calling her again. No response. Just ring after ring. I could only sigh audibly again.

After what felt like an eternity, but in reality had been half an hour (they’re virtually the same when you’re that worried, if you ask me), I heard the front door creaking open and attempted delicate footsteps came clattering down the hall (really, they couldn’t have walked any louder if they tried). I looked up, crouched and ready to take on the intruder. I had the element of surprise on my side. If I was quick enough, I could pin them down before they even know I’m here.

When I peeked out of the doorway, I was met by a very dishevelled Jiwoo. I dropped the vacuum pipe I’d been holding and launched myself onto the younger girl. “Jiwoo, my goodness! Are you okay? I was so worried. Why didn’t you pick up your phone? Did something happen? Are you hurt?” I was so relieved she was okay. I loosened my hold on her to inspect for any ailment, only to find nothing. Instead I found the smell of alcohol. “Jiwoo? Have you been drinking? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Soo. Soo.” Hiccup “Stop. Sooyoung” the younger girl started swatting at my hands. “I’m fine. I’m sorry.” Hiccup. “I went” Hiccup “for a drink with” Hiccup. “Jungeun after work.” Hiccup “I must have forgotten to text you before my phone” Hiccup. “died”

Quick side note about Jiwoo and Jungeun. They’ve been friends since their school days – in fact she was Jiwoo’s first girlfriend. Their relationship had ended by mutual decision because they decided they were better as just friends, and they’d stayed friends since. Since Jiwoo moved to the outskirts of the city, they grew apart, and they rarely saw each other.  I’d met her a few times and I could totally understand what Jiwoo had seen in her all those years ago. She was smart, had a glowing personality, she’s funny, and absolutely stunning. Basically, ideal girlfriend material. I was somewhat jealous of her for taking all of Jiwoo’s firsts: her first relationship, her first love, her first kiss, her first… I don’t wanna think about it. As toxic as the jealousy is, it’s neutralised by the gratitude I have for her: from what I’ve been told, Jiwoo had a tough time coming out to her family and developed extreme anxiety, I’m grateful that she had someone like Jungeun to help stabilise her and to help her through it all. I was glad they’d recently reconnected after a few years of limited interaction. Their meetups were becoming more frequent than previous, and that had only a positive effect on Jiwoo. Jungeun seemed to make her smile even more than usual (as if that were possible), and there was more of a bounce to her stride.

I wrapped my arms around her for yet another hug. She was warm. She felt like home. I spared a glance at the dining room table, still adorned with the dinner plates and candles I’d set up earlier. Tonight was going to be the night I asked Jiwoo (my amazing, gorgeous Jiwoo) to be more than my girlfriend. To be my wife, my life, my everything. But I suppose it’d have to wait until another day. The disappointment at that was greatly outweighed by the immense relief I felt to know that she was safe. She wriggled out of my embrace. “Soo, it’s late. Why are you still up? Let’s go to bed. I’m tired.” She looked up at me with sparkling eyes. Her behaviour seemed off. Usually when she was drunk, Jiwoo was louder than usual, clingier than usual, but just as loveable as usual.

“I was so worried about you that I couldn’t sleep. But now that you’re back, let’s go to bed. I’m sure you’ve got a busy day tomorrow” I took her tiny hands in my own and led her towards the bedroom. She wriggled out of my grip and headed for the bathroom.

“I’ll be in in a minute. Just… let me wash up first” she leant in and laid a short kiss to my cheek. And just like that she turned into the bathroom, shutting the door behind her. Normally, I wouldn’t read too much into it, but we never shut the door when we’re in the bathroom. After living together for nearly six years, all boundaries of privacy had been broken down. Something was up. I’m sure she’ll tell me tomorrow. Maybe she is just tired, it was past 1am after all.

****************************************

The next morning, I got up early to make her breakfast. I couldn’t let my angel leave the house after so little sleep on an empty stomach. She had to commute all the way to the centre of the city, and then work until lunchtime before she could eat. I couldn’t forgive myself if she would have to do all that without eating. I made her pancakes, her favourite, and carried the plate into the bedroom to give her. When I opened the door, I realised she wasn’t in bed anymore. I heard the shower running in the next room and decided to leave the plate on the bedside dresser in order to go back to tidying up the mess I’d made.

Shortly after, I heard her rushing around in the hallway. “Morning, princess, did you sleep okay?” I leant round the kitchen doorway to see her. She looked as stunning as ever. Her hair in bunches; her make-up subtle but perfectly framing her face, leaving her lips looking desirable as ever; her outfit for work pristine and without fault. She really was the image of perfect.

“If you keep gawking, something might crawl into your mouth and make a nest there, baby. I’m really sorry, I’m running late. I’ll see you later” she left a quick kiss to my lips before she gathered up the rest of her stuff and left for work. I went back into the bedroom to see the plate still full, with a peach post-it stuck to the rim adorned with her cute blocky handwriting. ‘Sorry honey! I appreciate the effort, but I really don’t have time this morning. I might have enough time to grab something on the way to the train station. Have a lovely day, I’ll see you tonight. All my love xxx’ as thoughtful as ever. I felt my heart melt at the cute note, at the sight of her beautiful blocky handwriting, at the thought of her taking the time to write it despite how late she was running.

I carried the plate back to the kitchen and ate the contents myself, might as well put it to use. I re-read the note, grinning like an idiot every time. After washing up, I figured it was probably time I got myself ready for work. One of the perks of working in the local town rather than the heart of the city: I could take my mornings a little slower than Jiwoo had to.

****************************************

As I sauntered up to my office building my best friend and colleague, Jinsol, sidled up next to me. Her eyes were glistening, her smile was radiant, she was beautiful. In another life, maybe I would’ve been dating her. Maybe in an alternate universe I was. She was my best friend, and great to spend time with. The girl was going to make someone very happy one day. I spent little time entertaining those thoughts because I was happy in this reality, as her best friend, as Jiwoo’s lover.

She wrapped an arm around my shoulders. “Morning, SooSoo!” her smile faultered as her eyes levelled with mine “are you okay? You look exhausted” her grip round my shoulders tightened. I smiled at her. We’d been friends for years, and we could read each other without needing a word. I’m not surprised she picked up on my slightly-off vibes.

“Morning, Sol. I’m okay, had a late one last night” she wiggled her eyebrows at me, suggestively. “No. It wasn’t like that. Jiwoo went out drinking with her friend without telling me, so I stayed up worrying” her eyes softened with worry.

“So… no proposal yet?” she was still smiling at me, but it didn’t reach her eyes. Jinsol was the only person who knew that I was planning on proposing, she’d even helped me to choose the ring.

“Not yet, soon. I’m taking her out for dinner at the weekend for our anniversary, I think that’s an even better time to do it” I smiled more sincerely at her, and her eyes brightened.

“That’s my girl. Always looking for the best out of these situations. You’ve been together for what… 5 years now? She’s probably wondering what’s taking you so long”

“This’ll be our seventh anniversary. The perfect time just hadn’t come up until now. You know how hard we’ve been working recently to get this new apartment, I thought I’d give her something even better to be excited about by turning that apartment from a house to our home” I could feel a slight blush tinting my cheeks at the sentiment, and I could feel Jinsol rolling her eyes, but she was still smiling.

“Aww, HaSoo, always the hopelessly gay romantic. I’ve gotta get myself a girl like you” we laughed as we walked into the office, arm in arm. Jinsol’s soft laughter and cheeky banter seemed to relieve the exhaustion I felt.

****************************************

A little before the end of the day, Jiwoo text me and said her and Jungeun were going out for dinner tonight and that I didn’t need to wait up for her. I smiled at her sentiment. Unsure of what to do with myself I wheeled over to Jinsol’s desk. “Hey, you busy tonight?” the younger girl looked up at my arrival, eyes twinkling.

“Pssshhh, it’s Wednesday. If by busy you mean, am I going to be eating my weight in ice cream while babysitting my nieces, then yes.” I furrowed my brows at that response, despite the playful undertone in her words. “I’m kidding. You know the girls love you, and you’d probably be doing me a favour if you came over. They behave so much better when you’re there” I smiled.

“They’re angels, I refuse to believe that they behave as badly as you say they do” I said, nudging her in the ribs. She looked at me, her eyes pleading me to help her out with the kids. “Fine. I’ll be there” she giggled and started clapping her hands like the goofball she is.

“Great. Haseul is dropping the kids off after their clubs at about 5:30. If you wanna miss the feeding frenzy you should get to my place like an hour after that” I nodded my head and gave her a thumbs up as I wheeled back to my own desk. I replied to Jiwoo’s text saying that if I wasn’t at home when she got back I’d be at Jinsol’s, and to wish her a fun night.

I got to Jinsol’s a little earlier than planned, the poor girl looked like she’d been run ragged. She explained that she’d just got the girls to sit down and eat their dinner. As soon as I walked into the room, Yeojjin yelled “Sooyoungie! Aunty J! You didn’t tell us that Sooyoung was coming, we’d have dressed better and not made such a mess if we knew!” the obvious smiles on their faces made me chuckle and Jinsol groan. The girls came over and gave me a hug. The older two were much quieter, but nonetheless happy to see me.

“I didn’t tell you yesterday because I didn’t know either.” She whined. 

“So how have you all been? How’s school going?” I turned to address them all one by one “Heejin, you have important exams coming up soon, do you not? How’s the revision going? And Hyunjin, how’s footie going? Jinsol tells me that you’ve made the first team this season. And you” I say turning to Yeojin “You still behaving yourself? No more getting into fights?” she shrunk back, slightly sheepish, but still grinning at me. I spoke to each of them in turn. They were good kids, all three of them. I always knew they would be, having Haseul and Vivi as parents. And I also knew they would all go on to do great things.

After the ‘feeding frenzy’ as Jinsol had called it, and we’d washed the dishes, we set up a game around the dining room table. Card games were not usually of my interest, but tonight wasn’t about what I wanted. I knew the girls were competitive, but it was totally different seeing it in person. They were noisy as they laughed at their individual victories, and equally loud when commiserating something going wrong. Hours flew by and before I knew it, Haseul and Vivi showed up to bring the kids home. Jinsol invited them in while the girls finished up their game and got their things together to leave. I hadn’t seen the two women for quite some time, so it was nice to have a brief chance to catch up. It was nice to see them, and it was nice to see the love they reflected for each other, for their family, Jinsol included, and even I felt some of it too. I couldn’t wait to have something like that with Jiwoo: endless love for her, hopefully kids, a family, something I could be proud of and work for.

After the family went home, Jinsol asked me to stay a little longer. She pulled a couple of beers from the fridge and handed me one. We sprawled on the sofa and chatted mindlessly. About work, about old friends, relationships, our aspirations and dreams, about fears and regrets, things we wished we’d said and done, things we would try to do differently in the future. One beer eventually turned into two, then into four. It was nice to spend time with her like this. I rarely got time to just hang out with my best friend and chat about whatever was on my mind. I missed her. I missed this. I smiled at her, and it was one of pure contentment. I saw the same feeling reflecting from her.

When I got back home, Jiwoo had fallen asleep on the sofa. I tried to wake her, but when she wouldn’t stir, no matter what I did, I grabbed her a blanket and a pillow so that she’d be comfortable. After washing up and getting changed, I went to bed, still feeling a buzz in my mind from all the alcohol. I text Jinsol letting her know that I got home okay and thanking her for a really nice time.

****************************************

The next day, I slept through Jiwoo getting ready for work and only woke when I heard the front door close. On days like this, she would normally come in and wake me up with a cuddle, then she’d give me a kiss to say goodbye. But none of that had happened today. I was starting to worry about her withdrawal from me. Was I not paying her enough attention? Did I do something wrong? Is she upset about something? She’d tell me if something was bothering her, right? You’re reading too much into it, Soo, of course she’d tell you if something was wrong.

I got myself ready for work and walked to the office. The sky was grey, but the sun was trying to break through the clouds. It reflected perfectly how I was feeling about me and Jiwoo: mood dampened but an uncertain ray of optimistic happiness trying to make itself known. It was going to be a long but quiet day, Thursdays always were. I trudged into my place of work and found Jinsol in the staff room, baseball cap pulled low and sunglasses on. I dropped my belongings on the floor at the sight, laughing while I snapped a picture of her. “Morning, Sol. You know you look absolutely ridiculous, right?” Seeing her like this, in a sadistic way, made me forget about my own worries.

“HaSoo, please? Do you have to be so loud? My head hurts so bad.” She flung her arm over her eyes for added effect. This only made me laugh harder.

“Come on, Sol. Don’t you remember our teenage years where you used to be able to drink more than four beers without getting a hangover? You aren’t that old yet.” She swiped her sunglasses off, knocking her hat backwards and off in the process as she jumped up, maybe faster than I’d ever seen her ever move before. She glowered at me a little, but her eyes were playful.

“You’re right. It wasn’t THAT long ago that we would stay out all night partying the night away drinking stuff a lot stronger than beer.” There was the smile that I was used to. She stood like a goofball, hands on her hips, chest puffed out, her long blonde hair sticking out at all angles. I stole another picture while I chuckled. We clocked in and went to work.

Lunchtime came round and I checked my phone, to see a text from Jiwoo: Hey baby *-* I’m going out after work tonight. Please don’t wait up for me, I don’t know what time I’ll be back. Love youuuu. Love Chuu xxxxx I sighed aloud. Jinsol’s wheely chair squeaked backwards into my space, like something out of a movie, and she put her hand on mine. “Something up, SooSoo?”

I could just feel her frowning at me so I ensured I made eye contact with her as I spoke. I tried to let an easy smile sit on my lips, but it was harder than I thought it would be “Jiwoo’s going out again tonight. I guess at least I know so I won’t worry about her whereabouts”

“That’s it! You’re coming to mine and we’re going to play video games, watch movies, and eat pizza” I knew she was only trying to comfort me, but I wanted to sulk on my own. “Before you tell me you’d rather be on your own instead, I’m not taking no for an answer, Sooyoung. I know you. I’ve known you for so long now and I know when something’s bothering you.  I’m not going to pressure you into telling me, but I want to be there for you if you need someone to talk to” Her sentimentality rarely came out, but when it did, I knew it was coming from a sincere place.

She loved me as her friend, in ways that I’d never had friends care about me before. She respected distance and my privacy whilst breaking down boundaries when she knew I needed her to, she made sure I ate properly, and offered me a shoulder to cry on if I ever needed it. She was selfless, she was soft, and she was one of the sweetest people I’d ever met. My relationship with Jinsol could easily be mistaken for a romantic one, in fact when Jiwoo first met us, she thought it was. But she was the best kind of best friend I could have wished for; she was my best friend and so much more.

“Okay, I’ll be there” I said with my head between my hands, my elbows resting in my lap. I felt her rest her hand on my knee, not in a patronising kind of way, but in a reassuring way to remind me that she was there, should I need her. I took solace in it, knowing that whatever should happen that she’d be there to listen, to hold me up, and to be the support I needed.

“That’s my girl. You wanna try a smile for me?” her tone was gentle, her grip tightening slightly to make me even more aware of her presence. I removed my head from my hands and looked into her eyes. I studied her face. She was smiling, not the warm bright smile that usually adorned her features, but a gentle one that caressed her face and reached her eyes, which were b with empathy. Seeing that look on her, who was I to refuse? They say it only takes 17 muscles in the face to smile versus 40-something to frown, but I found even the attempt to smile more difficult than my current expression. The corners of my mouth tugged upwards in the making of a smile, but she must’ve seen how forced it was. She squeezed my thigh in an endearing gesture of affection and created a bit more space between us. “You don’t have to say anything, but I’m always here if you want me” with that she scooted back to her desk to grab her lunch box. In the time it took me to realise that her warmth was gone from my leg, she was back. I smiled, more genuinely this time, at her and she mirrored the expression. Her hand returned to my knee and I pushed her back playfully

“When did you become so serious? I think I preferred you when you were rolling around on the floor last night with Yeojin, howling at whatever sarcastic remark Hyunjin had made” she giggled slightly at the sudden memory.

“She wouldn’t have been on the floor if you hadn’t dropped your cards everywhere” she jibed

“I wouldn’t have dropped my cards everywhere if someone hadn’t spilt their drink all over my side of the table” I poked her cheek in a playful way, and she stuck her tongue out.

“I wouldn’t have spilt my drink if I hadn’t been kicked!” she started to pout.

“Heejin wouldn’t have kicked you if you hadn’t been teasing her about her crush” I said trying to look more seriously at her, but I was struggling to keep the grin off my face at that point.

“It wasn’t Heejin kicking me that made me jump now, was it?” she said taking my hand

“Fine! I wouldn’t have kicked you if you weren’t about to taint poor Yeojin’s mind with your innuendos! She’s only 10! What would Haseul have to say if she knew you were soiling her baby’s mind?” I playfully squeezed her hand, a sign of affection that we were beyond comfortable with after all this time

“Okay, okay. The other two are old enough that they would understand that kind of joke.” She conceded so easily, you wouldn’t have thought that her and Haseul had grown up as little terrors, fighting all the time.

“If you two are gonna make out, would you mind getting a room?” a member of the team, Chaewon, called across the room. She was working as an intern, on a three-month programme. Rather than getting us coffee, organising the mail, and doing the photocopying, as is thought most interns do, our boss had decided to give her a glimpse of real work and have her do the same as us. She was a sweet girl, the same age as Jinsol’s older nieces, and barely older than my own niece, so she had a youthful skip to her step and an optimistic outlook on the world. The whole office knew we weren’t romantically involved with each other, but it didn’t stop their teasing. When she first started here, poor Chaewon was utterly confused, but now she was just as much a part of it as the rest of them. We separated at the remark, a slight blush tinting our cheeks as was usual when the teasing began. “Jinsol! Don’t tell me you’re leaving your girl without giving her a kiss?” she called. Jinsol rolled her eyes. She stood up, slid her chair across the room in the general direction of her desk, bent down to give me a quick peck on the cheek before saying a quick ‘I love you, Sooyoungie’ and walking back to her own desk.

I could feel my cheeks flare red, and I spun around to conceal the blush. The entire office was in uproar, with whoops and cheers at Jinsol’s action. I glanced over in her direction and her cheeks were just as red as I thought mine were. She mouthed a quick ‘sorry’ at me, before I flashed her a wink and spun back round to my desk, where her lunch box still sat. I picked it up and quietly walked over to return it. She didn’t turn around when I got there, maybe she didn’t hear me coming. Revenge is a dish best served warmed up I thought to myself maybe her cheeks need warming up again “Jinsol, you left this on my desk” my voice was slightly whiny, at just the right frequency that it would get her attention. She spun her chair around, and that was when I seized my moment. I placed my lips on her cheek and wrapped my arms round her neck to place the box on her desk. “I can’t be responsible for you being hungry, baby” After tracing my fingers affectionately along her jawline, I straightened and then walked back to my desk, a big smirk plastered across my face, with a strut in my step. As I glimpsed round the office, all eyes were on me, everyone was slack-jawed. Especially Jinsol. “Sorry, babe” I said, blowing her a kiss. Something in the gesture seemed to snap her out of her stupor and she started to play along, pretending to catch the kiss and place it against her heart. The gesture made me giggle shyly, and everyone around us ‘awwed’.

****************************************

At Jinsol’s that night, we gorged ourselves on takeaway pizza and a tub of ice cream which now lay empty on the table. There were beer bottles laying empty on the floor and a half-finished bottle of who knows what beside our empty plates. Despite the over-indulgence, we were still attentively staring at the TV, controllers in hand, frantically pressing buttons, trying to beat the other. I was watching Jinsol from the corner of my eye. I could see her tongue poking out of the corner of her lips, her eyebrows furrowed, and her knees drawn closer to her chest. She dropped the controller and let out a breath. “Yess! it Ha! I told you that Yoshi was superior!” I drove my kart around the final corner and over the finishing line.

“Yeah whatever. If I hadn’t been hit by that blue shell, you would never have overtaken me” I stuck my tongue out at her and poured a shot of the dark liquid from the bottle. I took it in one and felt the burn of defeat run down my throat. I grimace at the taste, and she laughed.

“That’s the whole point of the powerups. You would know if you ever bothered to pick them up” she raised her own shot and took it. She scrunched up her face for only a brief moment. She let out an ‘ah’ once the liquor had been consumed. “You have to take another because you lost” she handed me another shot of the vile stuff and I took it in one go. I felt it burn at my throat as I swallowed it and I couldn’t hide it in my face. Jinsol laughed before wrapping an arm around my shoulders. “We should do this more often. I miss you. And soon enough you’re going to be busy all the time planning your wedding” she looked me in the eye, but her gaze was wistful, a thousand miles away.

I breathed out a “yeah” with a sigh. “I miss this too” her gaze suddenly locked in on me and a toothy grin spread across her face. I smiled too. She reached up a hand slowly and poked me on the tip of my nose

“Boop!” she began giggling as if she’d just heard the funniest joke. She laughed so hard she collapsed back onto the sofa. I chuckled too, more at her than at with her. I poked her belly and she began laughing even more. “Noo. Sooyoungie! That tickles! Why would you do this to me?” She drew her knees to her chest again, and she flailed her arms around like she was swatting me away, still giggling like I’d seen her do with Yeojin. It was cute.

When the giggling finally stopped, we stayed as we were, just staring at each other. Time seemed to blur as we stared at each other. Her from in my lap where her head had come to rest in her giggle fit, and me from my seated position. After who knows how long, she drew in a sharp breath and broke the eye contact, looking at the floor instead. She rolled onto her side, her head still resting in my lap and she began to hug herself. I ran my fingers through her hair, and began playing with some of the wild strands. “Soo?” I hummed in response. “What’s going on?” she sat up slowly to face me, a serious look on her face. My confusion must’ve registered on my face, so she re-phrased her question. “What’s bothering you?” her eyes were warm and soft. Her expression was one of complete worry. I reached out and took her hand.

“Jiwoo. She’s… I… We… It feels like we never spend any time together anymore. She’s been going out and seeing Jungeun more. A lot more. And it’s like she never has time for me. I don’t know if she’s avoiding me, or if I’ve done something wrong, or if she’s okay, or if she’s shutting me out. But I feel like something’s wrong and I just can’t reach her. It’s like she’s slipping through my fingers and I’m losing her, but no matter how much I try to reach out to her I can feel her getting further away.” I took a deep breath and exhaled it more heavily than I intended to. Jinsol’s eyebrows knitted together, but her expression remained soft. I could see that she was choosing her words carefully based on the delay before her response. She pulled me in for a side hug.

“Sooyoung. Sooyoung. This is Jiwoo we’re talking about. She loves you to pieces, Soo. If there was something bothering her, I’m sure she would have told you”  

I could feel my throat clench, meaning I was about to cry. I turned a little to hug her properly. She wrapped both arms around my shoulders as mine slipped round her waist. “You know, I wouldn’t mind so much if it was someone else. Anyone else. Why does it have to be her? She’s so right for Jiwoo, and I’m just… I’m just me. Jiwoo deserves the world and if anyone could give it to her it’d be Jungeun” I took a deep breath to try and level my now ragged breathing. Jinsol rubbed large circles on my back.

“Where’s all this coming from? I thought you guys were going well?” She now started to draw nonsensical patterns on my back with her fingers. She was gentle, and had I been wearing more than just a t-shirt I probably wouldn’t have been able to feel it. She didn’t rush me for an answer, instead letting me collect my thoughts and steady my breathing.

“We are. At least, I think we are. But it’s hard to think we are when we don’t see each other, when she will spare me barely more than 10 minutes. You know I’m not one for insecurities, Sol, but I just can’t help but to think that maybe there is something going on. Something she won’t tell me”

Jinsol just held me. She didn’t often resort to silence, but I think she could feel that words weren’t what I needed in that moment. When the tears eventually stopped, and my ragged breathing had returned to normal, I sat up. “One more round before I go?” I asked picking up the controller again. She smiled, but I could read the concern in her expression. Considering all the alcohol in both of our systems, this moment felt very sobering.

“I don’t know if your poor heart could take losing again” she teased. I poked her thigh, while my other hand pushed her controller into her lap. “Fine! If you insist. But don’t say I didn’t warn you” she grabbed the controller like a pro and adjusted her position to face the screen properly.

As if by pure luck, she won again, overtaking me just as I was about to cross the finish line. I rolled my eyes and dropped the controller. She leaned in against me. “That was fun” of course I couldn’t help but to smile with her.

“I should probably go now. Jiwoo might be home, and she’ll be wondering where I am…” I wrapped my arm around Jinsol, and she hummed against me.

“Yeah, you gotta get back to your girl” we both took a few minutes to stand, too comfortable to move from the sofa. She saw me out and waved goodbye to me as I began my walk home.

When I got back, I was met with Jiwoo pacing the living room. I stumbled in and staggered backwards off-balance when I was quickly engulfed into a bear hug by the shorter woman. I breathed in her scent as my arms found their way around her waist. It was nice to come back to a warm house but coming back to her felt like coming home. She held me wordlessly for a moment longer until she pulled back, but only to an arm’s length. “Soo?” her eyes were b with tears, a moment away from breaking and falling down her face. I pulled her in for a kiss. It started out soft and slow, but gradually became more heated and passionate. She stopped me with a hand to my chest before things went any further. “I got home and you weren’t here. I was worried. You didn’t answer your phone. I thought… I… I didn’t know if you were coming back” the tears that previously had been threatening to fall, did. I wiped them away with my thumbs, my hands on her jaw. She tightened her hold on my waist and buried her head into my shoulder as her hands wrapped around me once more. I pressed my lips to the side of her head, a gesture that would usually calm her down when she was frantic or upset.

“Of course I was coming back, silly. This is our home; you are my home” I held her closely while she cried. “Jiwoo, I’m not going anywhere any time soon. Apart from… this moment, I just need a second” I broke apart from her to go to the bedroom. I found what I was looking for and returned to her. My heart was racing. “I wasn’t planning on this until the weekend, but now just feels like the right time. Jiwoo… Jiwoo…. I don’t want to be anywhere if I’m not by your side. I don’t want to ever come home to anyone if that someone isn’t you. Jiwoo… you’re my whole life. You’re my world, Jiwoo. Would you do me the honour” I bent down to one knee as I opened the box in my hands “Jiwoo… would you let me be your whole life too? I swear on my life you’re all I’ve ever wanted, and I want to be with you forever. Please Jiwoo…. will you marry me?” I could feel my heart hammering in my chest, my hands were shaking a little. I looked up to her face, into her gorgeous brown eyes. Once again, they were b with tears. She looked tired. But she was smiling, nonetheless. Her smile grew as the enormity of my question sunk in. Her eyes became nothing but small crescents as the grin took over her whole face. She grabbed my hands and hauled me to my feet where she kissed me hard, so hard I could feel the wind knocked from my system. But that didn’t stop me from kissing her back.

“Yes… Sooyoung. God, yes!” she panted as she broke our kiss. Her hands were now on my cheeks, and she caressed them softly. She was crying again, but this time the hot tears were ones of joy, I hoped. She pulled me in for another kiss, then another and another. I felt 19 again like this. 19 again, but so much better. Because this time, instead of a 17 year old Jiwoo agree to be my girlfriend, she was agreeing to be my life. Better than when a 22 year old graduating Jiwoo agreed to move into our first rented apartment; she was agreeing to be my everything. Even topping the elation we felt when we signed for the very apartment we now owned. 7 years together and she was agreeing to be my whole world and promising me forever.

I broke the kiss, tears now streaming down my face too. She kissed my cheeks, removing the stray tears. The salty drops clung to her lips, and I watched them mix with her own that had etched their way down her face. I pulled her in for a hug. Words weren’t needed in that moment. Just her warmth. The comfort she provided. The safety and security she gave me. The pure bliss I felt to be in her embrace. What I would give to freeze in this moment for just a little while longer…

****

After a few weeks, we had the majority of our plans made. We’d agreed on a date, we’d booked a venue, booked caterers and a venue for the afterparty. We had six months before the date but all the planning made it feel even more real. Seeing Jiwoo’s enthusiasm as she made an array of suggestions made my heart race. Feeling the glow on her cheeks as we wrote the invites made my head spin. She was perfect, she was my everything, and she was going to be my wife.

I spent most of my spare time with Jinsol (when I wasn’t at work, or with Jiwoo, or planning the wedding). She had been nothing but excited for us when I told her, and that excitement still emanated from her whenever I talked about Jiwoo. We would hang out, playing video games, or chatting into the small hours of the morning, or playing with her nieces. The three young girls were also nothing but bundles of excitement as I hand-delivered their invite (Haseul and Vivi were all wide smiles and congratulations, while their kids were like lit fireworks racing round the house, beaming with joy), Heejin teared up a little when I showed them pictures of my dress (“It’s so beautiful, Sooyoung. You’re going to look incredible” she’d said quietly), don’t even get me started about Yeojin’s reaction to our cake design (the little girl had lit up like a Christmas tree and told me just how big a slice she wanted).

I remember the look on my sister Sunmi’s face when I drove 20 miles to see her just to tell her I was getting married. She was astonished, glad for me, but warned me to be careful and not to let my heart get too far ahead of myself. Sunmi had put up with me through my years at university: a bit of a womanizer until I met Jiwoo, and how I swore I would change, and then became all gushy and soft over the girl. Sunmi had told me then I was a hopeless romantic, but she was proud of me for turning it around for one girl. It felt like a lifetime ago, but I remember all the nights I stayed up on the phone recounting all the cute things about Jiwoo, and her telling me that if I wanted her I’d have to get my head down and work for her; because a girl like that deserved more than a few one-night stands. Her long-term girlfriend, Chungha, had congratulated me, and teasingly said my sister should take a leaf from my book, which earned her a poke and a chaste kiss, followed by a “someday”. Her daughter, Hyejoo, usually cold and a little distant gave me the biggest hug imaginable. She whispered in my ear “you’re gonna be a great wife, it doesn’t take a genius to see how much you love her”. This kid… she’d definitely got her smooth-talk and her smarts from her mother, she looked like a Ha too. God only knows what she’d inherited from her slime-ball of a father because the more she grew up, the more I only saw Sunmi in her.

My parents were so proud of me for finally proposing. They said they’d been expecting it for the last three years, so they knew it was only a matter of time. They’d only met Jiwoo a handful of times because they’d moved across the country, to the countryside after Sunmi and I had moved out, and I didn’t often get a lot of time off work to go and see them. We facetimed often, and from the way they were with Jiwoo over those calls, I knew they loved her. They promised that they would be there for the wedding, and even gave us some money to help us pay for it. They were great parents and I knew they were nothing but elated for me. I just wished they could be here to see, in person, how much I’ve grown as an individual as a result of Jiwoo being in my life.

When Jiwoo wasn’t at work or planning the wedding with me, she was with Jungeun. They grew even closer after the announcement. Jungeun would come over for dinner sometimes and she’d help us with ideas and stuff – she was, after all, a wedding planner. She’d bring her daughter, Yerim, with her, so on these nights I’d invite Jinsol or Haseul over with the kids to play with Yerim – she was the same age as Yeojin so they got along really well. Jungeun was full of amazing ideas; she was smart in her recommendations for venues, she had an eye for good decorations and flowers, and she had an extensive list of caterers from which she was able to make good recommendations based on our tastes. To say she was a blessing in all of this would be an understatement. Watching her interact with Jiwoo made my heart pain a little – it was evident that the two were close, and that they had amazing chemistry: bouncing ideas off of each other and finishing each other’s sentences – but whenever I was reminded that she was helping us to plan our wedding, the jealousy subsided. If Jinsol was around when I got these feelings, she’d start playing a little game with me of what was the most extravagant and outrageous idea we could come up with for the wedding – entering on a parade of elephants, 200 white doves to be set free after we said our vows, the minister who would be marrying us to be some famous actor, there were so many outrageous possibilities and every time she would make everything feel better. Jungeun and Jiwoo would spend a lot of time together, and as Jiwoo’s fiancé I was jealous, but Jinsol said to me one day that Jiwoo and I were going to have the rest of our lives together, so I could afford to let her have time with Jungeun for now.

*****

Months soon turned into weeks before the big day. 3 weeks exactly. Everything was almost ready. I was in the process of getting the last alterations done on my dress, and Jiwoo was perfecting her vows. It felt like a dream come true. It was all so real. I was round at Haseul’s where Vivi was making the final alterations to the dress, and I must say it looked phenomenal. Yeojin had not been allowed in the room while my dress was there as she was well-known to be clumsy and horrendously messy. Hyunjin was indifferent about dresses, instead wanting to marvel over how on earth I was going to walk up the aisle in my heels (they were only small heels as I didn’t want to tower over Jiwoo too much). Heejin loved it all. The girl was a softie, and she was revelling in the idea of fairy-tale weddings and true love. She was smitten by the dress, requesting to see it every step of the way, after even the most minor adjustments. Haseul endorsed her daughter’s excitement, letting her sit in the room while Vivi worked her magic. “I think I’ll only need another half hour or so, Sooyoung and your dress will be good and ready” Vivi said over her shoulder, more to Heejin than I. I could only grin.

“Thank you so much, Vivi. It looks beautiful. I don’t know what I would’ve done without you” the woman had offered to do the alterations free of charge as a wedding present. She’d offered to do Jiwoo’s too, but Jiwoo had politely declined saying she didn’t want to take the risk of me accidentally seeing the dress, so Jungeun pointed her to a friend who could do it. Haseul was going to do my hair and make-up on the day to make an amazing wedding present even better. These two really were the perfect team.

“You would’ve looked amazing even without any of my adjustments” she beamed at me, her warmth emanating. She stood up and admired her handiwork “It looks amazing, Soo. Everybody is going to want a piece of you when they see you in it” her hand clutched over her chest as the smile turned wistful. I smiled and thanked her again.

“Wow… it looks… amazing” Heejin’s small voice chimed in as she came and stood beside her adoptive mother. Vivi put an arm around the girl’s shoulders

“You think?” she said

“Yeah. Sooyoung, you’re gonna look like royalty on the big day. With your hair and make-up done to perfection. With all the flowers. Ugh…. I can see it now” the faintest tinge of a blush crept up her cheeks, and I ruffled her hair gently

“Thanks, kiddo. You’ve got your parents to thank for that” she reflected the grin I was giving her. And in that moment my phone started to ring. I glanced at the screen. It was Jungeun… strage. Normally she’d phone Jiwoo about any more ideas or suggestions. I excused myself for a second as I answered the call “Hello? Jungeun?”

“Sooyoung. Thank god! It’s Jiwoo. She needs you. Now. Do you have your car? I can come pick you up?”

“Slow down. What’s happened? Is she okay?”

“Just get here. Quickly. Please” there was a tone of begging in her voice

“I’ve got my car. I’m at Haseul and Vivi’s. Text me where. I’ll be there asap” I ended the call. My heart was racing. “Vivi, thank you so much for all of your hard work. I need to go. It’s Jiwoo. Jungeun sounded serious, and she said it’s urgent. I’ll come back later. Thank you so much for everything you’ve done.” I smiled at her as best I could.

“Whatever it is, you’d better go. Leave the dress here, I’ll finish it up. You can come back and see it later. Jiwoo needs you by the sounds of it”

“Thanks, Vivi, you’re the best” I wrap her in a quick hug and bid goodbye to Heejin, pulling my sneakers on as I rush to the car. Jungeun had text me the address and I was geared and ready to go. I drove as fast as I could. Seems like luck was on my side as I only had to wait at one set of red lights.

When I pulled up in front, I was met by Jungeun. Her expression was dull. Her eyes were red. She handed me an envelope which had my name on it. My name written in Jiwoo’s blocky handwriting. “Jungeun. No games. Where is she?” my expression was steely. No way had she called me here just to hand me an envelope.

“Please, Soo. Read it first. I need you to understand” I opened the envelope and Jungeun guided me to sit down as I read it’s contents. It felt like the wind had been knocked out of me the first time I read it, so I read it again. And again. Every time I read it, it felt like a heavier and heavier blow to my chest. I could only look up at Jungeun, tears b in my eyes. It felt like sound had been from my surroundings, and the light felt somehow dim.

“How long?” my voice was hot with anger. All the hurt I felt came out as venom.

“Jiwoo wanted to tell you. She honestly did. But then you proposed and she thought it best to leave it.”

“I asked how long? How long have you and her been talking about this behind my back? Why couldn’t she talk to me?! We were a team we were meant to be in this together. We were meant to be forever” my voice cracked, and the tears began to pour from my eyes. I held the piece of paper in my hands.

“Sooyoung. She wanted to tell you. Every single day. But she couldn’t bear to see you hurting like she was. She asked me not to tell you until she was ready. I guess you deserve to know now.”

I re-read the page again. I couldn’t believe what I was reading. I looked up to see Jungeun with tears down her cheeks too.

Sooyoung,

If you’re reading this, I’m sorry. It means I never got to tell you the truth. I love you, Soo. I always have. And I always will. Just because we can’t be together now, I need you to understand that I never wanted to lie to you. All the times I said I was fine; we were fine, I was trying to convince myself as much as I was trying to convince you.

I’ve probably re-written this note about a thousand times by now. You know I love things to be as perfect as possible, and I’m really struggling to find the words to tell you this. I was going to tell you. The night you proposed, I was going to tell you everything. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it when I could see how happy you were. When you asked me to marry you, it was like everything in my life finally made sense, and I knew what I wanted. I wanted you. Forever. But I knew that we didn’t have forever. That’s why I wanted our wedding plans to go ahead as soon as possible.

Please don’t be mad at Jungeun. She wanted me to tell you as much as I wanted to. I asked her to keep this a secret because I didn’t want you to find out from anyone that wasn’t me. I guess the joke’s on me now isn’t it. Soo… you’re my everything, and I want you to believe that with every fibre of you. You’re my everything and I never want to be without you. But I have to go. Life has its own plans for what is meant to be, and it looks like those plans don’t involve you and I together. The last seven, nearly eight years as your girlfriend have been the best in my whole life, and I can’t imagine having spent them with anyone else.

Maybe in another life we have more time. Maybe in another life we have the forever we were planning. But not in this one I’m afraid.

Please, Soo. Please don’t be sad over me. I need you to move on, to be happy. Keep a part of me with you always, and please try to be as happy as you deserve to be. You deserve the world Soo. You deserve so much more than I could give you. You need to keep going, Soo. It isn’t going to be easy, and there will be times where you won’t want to, but you’re strong Sooyoung. Stronger than anyone I know. And you have amazing friends, and a great family who all love you so much. Please, Soo, as my last request to you, I beg you to be okay, to keep living, to achieve everything you want and more. And to remember the last nine years fondly. Don’t forget how to be happy, Sooyoung. Don’t forget how to live, and to love, and never forget who you are.

I love you, Sooyoungie. Always.

All my love,

Jiwoo, your Jiwoo

x

Author's note: hi guys. I've been meaning to write this story for quite some time and have finally found the time to do so. I hope you've enjoyed part 1 of this story, part 2 will probably take me a lot of time to write. Take care of yourselves and don't forget to stan talent, stan our girls. :D