｢ Special: Hyukjae’s Side of the Story ｣

 

Note: Hyukjae’s so-called rare, incurable heart disease in this fic was made up by me. If there are any similarities with real-life cases (which I have not yet encountered in my research), it is purely coincidental.

 

I.

 

“Come on, Hyukjae-ya! Just one drink!” said Kangin, his co-worker, as he offered Hyukjae a shot glass.

Hyukjae refused, smiling. “Nah, I’ll pass, hyung. Jongwoon-hyung told me to stop drinking.”

“Wow, you stopped drinking just because your boyfriend told you to?” Heechul said in awe, shaking his head. “You’re whipped, man.”

“So when’s the marriage?” Kangin teased, setting his glass down.

Hyukjae shrugged. “I don’t know. Someday, maybe? We’re not really in a rush.”

Heechul nodded in understanding. “Well, you two are living together, after all. It’s like you’re married already.”

“It’d be nice to put a label on it though,” Shindong remarked.

Hyukjae smiled. “Well, I am currently pestering him about a beach wedding. Jongwoon-hyung doesn’t really like the sand sticking to his clothes, but I think I’ve already convinced him halfway.”

“Yah, make sure to give us an invitation, you hear?” Kangin called out.

Hyukjae waved his hand dismissively. “Yeah, yeah, of course. You guys are my co-workers, y’all are invited automatically.”

The entire table clapped and cheered. “Whoo! Lee Hyukjae is the man!”

Hyukjae raised a hand narcissistically, looking quite proud of himself. “Yes, yes, I know I’m the best.”

Heechul leaned over to whisper into Kangin’s ear, “His head has gotten so big in a span of a few seconds…” to which Kangin gave a hearty laugh afterwards.

“Anyway,” Hyukjae said, standing up and patting invisible dust off his jeans. “It’s getting late. I need to go home now.”

Heechul pouted. “Already? But we haven’t drunk the night away yet!”

“You sure you gonna go?” Kangin asked.

Hyukjae nodded with a grin. “Yeah, I miss my man already,” he said cheekily before turning on his heel and walking away. “See ya tomorrow, guys!”

When Hyukjae exited the VIP room, his eardrums were fed with the loud techno noise the DJ was currently playing. Moving to the farthest side of the room, Hyukjae hurried his steps until he reached the bar area where the exit doors were located nearby.

Hyukjae was about to slip out the doors when he suddenly heard a familiar voice coming from the bar stand.

“I don’t know what to do anymore…”

“Tsk, tsk. Come here, kid.”

Hyukjae whirled his head towards the direction of the voices and his eyes widened at what he saw.

There was his usually calm, collected, and rational boyfriend, obviously drunk and tipsy, being patted on the back by a complete stranger. When Hyukjae looked closely, the man seemed to be in his mid-forties, dressed in a casual t-shirt and ripped jeans. From the look of his muscles that were apparent due to the constricting material of his shirt, it was obvious that he exercised a lot in his daily routine.

Hyukjae made a move to fetch his boyfriend and take him home when Jongwoon suddenly continued talking to the man.

“They told me… they told me that he doesn’t have long left to live,” Jongwoon sniffed, sounding so pained that it broke Hyukjae’s heart to hear that kind of tone coming from his boyfriend. “I asked S—Siwon if he could get a second opinion, if he would double check Hyuk’s results and tell me that it was all a m—mistake, but Siwon told me that the diagnosis remained the same, and that the treatments that they were secretly giving Hyukjae in our monthly checkups weren’t working anymore. His lifespan’s getting shorter and there’s nothing I can do about it…!”

Hyukjae froze in his position as he heard the words coming out of his lover’s mouth. He swallowed heavily, his throat suddenly going dry at this revelation.

I’m…

...dying…?

What on earth is he talking about...?

When the bartender finished cleaning the glasses and moved towards his direction, Hyukjae immediately sat on the furthest stool in the bar, not too far yet not too close to his lover and his ‘friend’. To be honest, Hyukjae had no idea why he was even doing this, eavesdropping on their conversation. He could just drag Jongwoon away from here and make him explain when they got home, but that would just make a scene, and standing out tonight was the last thing Hyukjae wanted at the moment.

So he listened on, ordering a shot of tequila from the bartender but not drinking it, his ears still following the conversation despite his mind spinning with several incredulous questions.

“And Hyuk was telling me the other day a—about how he’d like to get married by the sea, how he’s planning to adopt children when we’re in our thirties… He—He sounded so excited that I couldn’t even act all happy in front of him,” Jongwoon said brokenly. “I could only manage a fake smile but I felt so guilty th—that I wanted to throw up…”

“Why didn’t you tell him then?” the stranger asked, his voice friendly and nonchalant as if Jongwoon hadn’t been pouring out his heart to him these past few minutes.

“I—I can’t,” Jongwoon responded, shutting his eyes. “I can’t let him know that he’s dying… it—it’ll crush him…! He has so many goals yet to achieve, so many things he has yet to experience—” Jongwoon gave a choked sob. “He’s still so young… and I have to tell him that he’s not going to be able to live up to old age…? That he’s not even going to reach his thirties? That’s too cruel…”

The stranger shook his head. “Lad, listen to me. Aren’t you being the cruel one here? You ain’t even giving your man the decision to choose for himself? It’s his life, his body, he deserves to know, right? Why ya gotta hold back this information and keep it to yourself? At least he’ll be aware that he’s dying. That way, he can do everything he wants to do before his time comes. No biggie, right?”

Jongwoon seemed to stiffen in his position, multiple emotions swirling in his gaze. Hyukjae watched with teary eyes as Jongwoon sobbed even more, his sniffles and small cries hurting Hyukjae much more than the revelation of him having an incurable disease that could take his life anytime.

Hyukjae made a move to stand up. This was enough already. He had to take Jongwoon home now and talk to him. He had to be clear for the both of them, and right now Jongwoon wasn’t in the right state to talk rationally.

However, he stopped in his tracks when the stranger clicked his tongue disapprovingly.

“Y’know, you kids are just making things harder for yourselves,” he lectured, downing another glass of alcohol. He was starting to seem drunk now. “Anyway, if you really don’t wanna tell him, then I suggest you break up with him instead.”

Both Hyukjae and Jongwoon froze.

“Besides, he’s dying, right? You won’t be able to live with him till you grow old, and since he’ll be gone soon…” the man continued on, shrugging, “...it’ll be a waste of time for your youth. Besides, with your handsome looks, young lad, you can bag any man or woman you wish. Rather, I’d prefer you go and marry a woman instead. Go and live a normal life and make babies that have your genes; won’t that make you happier? Anyway, this is just a friendly advi—”

He never got to finish his sentence for Jongwoon had instantly stood up from his seat, drawn his arm back, and punched him right on the face.

Hyukjae jumped out from where he was sitting, stunned as he watched the bulky man fall to the floor due to the strength of Jongwoon’s punch.

“What the ?!” The stranger exclaimed, catching the attention of all the people nearby. “You dirty rat! Why’d you punch me all of a sudden?!”

Jongwoon stood over him, his expression contorted into a quiet rage as he levelled his opponent with a stormy gaze. “That,” he said in a controlled voice, “was for disrespecting Hyukjae.”

In a flash, Jongwoon was kneeling down and gripping the surprised man by his shirt. “And this!” He delivered another blow to the man’s cheek, causing the latter to grunt loudly in pain. “Is for suggesting that I leave him! ing bastard!”

The two of them were already drawing attention by this point. The bartender was calling a security guard and they were both on their way towards the scene while the onlookers were keeping their distance, eyes glued to the fight that was catching their interest from the nonstop dancing.

Hyukjae couldn’t even hear the screams of surprise when Jongwoon was suddenly shoved away, the man getting to his feet and hitting Jongwoon with a right hook, causing the latter to groan in pain while clutching his eye area. Hyukjae could feel his ears ringing, his vision focused on the scene before him that was causing his blood to boil. Clenching his fists, he began to stalk towards them and give the man a piece of his mind when loud, familiar shouts suddenly passed by him.

“Jongwoon-ah!”

“Jongwoon-hyung!”

Hyukjae staggered backwards in surprise, blinking as the familiar forms of Jungsoo and Sungmin arrived at the scene, already doing damage control. Jungsoo was dragging Jongwoon away, placing him on a nearby stool and examining his bruise while Sungmin grabbed the stranger’s wrist before he could punch him.

“I’m sorry, mister,” Sungmin apologized with a sheepish smile as he gripped the man’s wrist effortlessly. “Our friend is just drunk and he’s not in control of his mind right now. Can you please forgive him and let this go, just this once?”

The burly man blinked in confusion at this smaller man’s strength. “Let go of me, you pipsqueak!” he yelled, his words becoming slurred. “Out of my way or I’ll — argh!”

In one swift move, Sungmin twisted the man’s arm behind his back, causing the older man to howl in pain. At that moment, the bartender and the security guard came over to him, the latter demanding explanations. Sungmin looked over to Jungsoo’s direction and gestured for him to get out of there.

“I’ll take care of things here,” Sungmin mouthed, and Jungsoo understood.

Jungsoo started leading a tipsy Jongwoon away while Hyukjae was already long gone the moment the two of them arrived.

 

II.

 

As Hyukjae rode the taxi, he felt strangely empty. It was like he was numb, like he couldn’t feel anything at all. Perhaps it was because of shock? People did tend to have their mind shut down when in the process of absorbing shocking information.

When he somehow managed to get into their apartment in one piece, Hyukjae slumped to the floor the moment the door closed behind him. This time his breathing pattern changed, turning shallow and ragged as tears began welling up in his eyes. He could feel his stomach twisting in his gut and he suppressed the urge to vomit.

He was fine. He felt fine, everything was definitely fine, but he was dying? What kind of reality was that? It was too surreal, too difficult to accept. Heck, he couldn’t even believe it at all. He didn’t hurt anywhere; he wasn’t restricted by anything. He could talk for hours, he could walk just fine, and he could focus on his work normally. So why — why was he dying? It made no sense. No, it mustn’t be true—

At that moment, Hyukjae’s phone vibrated in his pocket. With shaky hands, he pulled it out and looked at the screen with bleary eyes, blinking to let his frustrated tears fall.

It was Jungsoo, telling him that he was with Jongwoon and that he was taking him home right now since it was late.

Hyukjae didn’t even bother replying to the message and turned off his phone, throwing it carelessly on the couch. It bounced a bit from the soft material and thankfully didn’t fall to the floor, but that wasn’t Hyukjae’s problem right now.

Standing up like a zombie, Hyukjae took a deep breath and rubbed his face harshly, telling himself to get a grip. He needed to be composed before Jongwoon was home; he didn’t want to let the older know that he stumbled upon him at the bar earlier. He still needed to think things through before any sort of confrontation. Plus, his mind wasn’t ready yet and he still couldn’t process the situation clearly.

Forcing himself to relax, he sat himself on the couch and took deep breaths, one at a time. It was a calming meditation technique he learned a long time ago which helped his stress with dealing things at work.

It was then that he heard the door opening and Jongwoon came in. The moment Hyukjae saw his face, he instantly spotted the bruise near the eye area and he felt something akin to rage spurn inside his heart. He jumped out of his seat and instantly went over to his lover, worrying about his bruise and getting mindlessly angry. Jongwoon was pleading with him to leave it alone for now, but that only made Hyukjae even angrier. Jongwoon evading his questions made him feel a bit betrayed even though he knew that it was wrong to feel that way.

In the end, he managed to control himself, grabbing some painkillers from the cupboards and placing it on the coffee table in front of Jongwoon. Then he coldly stated that he would be sleeping in the guest room, something which he knew shocked Jongwoon but he still went ahead with his decision. It was too late to take it back now.

Hyukjae collapsed to the floor after he slammed the door behind him, burying his face in his hands. He’d exploded on his boyfriend, his boyfriend who loved him so much and defended him, and he even gave false excuses for his anger just so he could blow up on the older man. He felt terrible and so very sorry that he almost considered going back to the living room and begging for forgiveness on his knees in front of Jongwoon. It wasn’t fair to his lover at all, but Hyukjae couldn’t help it. He was apparently dying, and there was no cure for it. His ‘vitamins’ couldn’t help, either, except for extending his life. His puny, useless life that Jongwoon wanted so hard to protect.

So that was why Jongwoon seemed so eager to make him happy. He didn’t want Hyukjae to be sad in his last few months of living. Plus, who was to say that that estimation was going to be accurate? He could probably just die anytime, any moment of any day. Heck, he could probably even die the next morning, unable to wake up from his bed. It was just his luck that he couldn’t feel any pain at all, but this was a lot more terrifying than having pain that made you feel like you were dying. At least, when you hurt and it gets worse day by day, you’d feel when you’re going to die.

With this disease he had, there was no telling when at all.

Hyukjae stood up, locked the door, and went to the adjoined bathroom. Inside, he sat on the floor and pressed his knees against his chest, unable to stop the sobs from racking his body. He knew that Jongwoon couldn’t hear him from here; the bathroom wasn’t connected to the living room wall and the main bedroom and guest room had an exercise room in between, so he could cry as much as he wanted in here without anyone hearing.

When Hyukjae dried the last of his tears, he tilted his head skywards, exhaling a shallow breath. He was exhausted from all that crying. His eyes felt heavy and his nose stung.

Briefly, Hyukjae wondered what he would’ve done if Jongwoon had told him about his condition the moment he found out about it. Would it have been better? Would he have lived his life to the fullest knowing that he only had limited time left in the world?

Somehow, for no reason, Hyukjae had a feeling that the result would’ve been a lot worse than now.

 

III.

 

He was crying again. Hyukjae could hear it from behind their bedroom door. Jongwoon must’ve thought that he wouldn’t wake up in the middle of the night and venture towards the outside of their bedroom, listening to his pained sobs that he thought would go unheard.

I must be a masochist, Hyukjae thought to himself wryly as he stayed there, closing his eyes, letting Jongwoon’s pain wash over him. It was nights like this that made him realize so much more that even if he was hurting inside, his lover was also breaking down as much as him.

Hyukjae smiled sadly, his miserable heart breaking into a thousand pieces. He loved the man so much that it almost hurt physically. For a moment, he actually toyed with the idea of leaving him, of leaving Jongwoon and letting him live a peaceful, stress-free life without him who was like a silent, walking, harmless time-bomb. Jongwoon deserved better, after all.

Hyukjae let the tears fall from his eyes as he remembered all those times when he suggested and annoyed Jongwoon about marrying by the seaside, about adopting kids one day once they were ready. He could remember Jongwoon’s strained smile in those moments which he had mistaken for as irritation due to his endless pestering.

But now that he knew the truth, Hyukjae realized that Jongwoon had been in anguish, wondering how he could ever do that with him, with Lee Hyukjae, who only had months — maybe weeks, maybe days, maybe even hours — left to live.

Some might think, in this situation, that Jongwoon-hyung is selfish to keep the truth from me… Hyukjae thought to himself as he sat on the floor, still listening to Jongwoon’s pitiful cries. But I think he’s just too kind.

If only I could turn back time… because I wish that I never knew about this, too.

 

IV.

 

Hyukjae-ya, I’m leaving for a doctor’s appointment. I’ll be back before 7.

 

Hyukjae saw the sticky note attached to the fridge and frowned. Another appointment? Come to think of it, Jongwoon’s headaches had been bothering him more frequently than before.

Siwon told him that Jongwoon suffered from what seemed to be chronic tension headache, a condition that causes throbbing pain on one or both sides of one’s head. It can also be confused sometimes with a migraine. Siwon also said that there were a lot of possible causes for this, but in Jongwoon’s case, it was probably due to taking too many painkillers as well as inadequate sleep and appetite. Stress was a factor, too.

Hyukjae knew that his condition had worsened than before due to his own looming problem, and that made him feel as guilty as ever.

It also didn’t help that they hadn’t resolved things yet, either. Hyukjae knew that he was the main reason why, especially because he kept on avoiding Jongwoon, so he wanted to be the first one to make the move.

There’s no time left and yet here I am feeling sorry for myself when my own boyfriend is suffering for me out there.

Getting his coat from the rack, Hyukjae ventured outside, re-checking if his wallet and keys were in the pockets. He sighed heavily as he went outside the apartment and began walking towards the direction of the hospital.

Should he just tell Jongwoon the truth? He felt guilty enough for snapping at the man, but he couldn’t get the chance to apologize to him since his mind was still reeling from the shocking news he overheard that fateful night. Every time he looked at himself in the mirror, he would see a man who was about to die, and it sickened him. Even though he looked lean and healthy, even though nothing was wrong with him at all, he was still dying. It was like a curse. Or a horrible nightmare. It was tearing him apart on the inside and he didn’t know what to do.

Tears began welling up in his eyes and Hyukjae hastily wiped them away, refusing to cry while walking in the middle of the streets. Heaving a frustrated sigh, he cursed himself for being so weak, for being so burdensome to others. If only he hadn’t fallen in love with Jongwoon in the first place, then the man wouldn’t have to suffer like this, and at his expense, no less.

Nobody wanted a sick lover by their side who was about to die. Jongwoon was better off without him, and he deserved better, too, as what he kept repeating inside his head.

But despite knowing the truth, Jongwoon… still chose to be with Hyukjae. He chose to be with a walking, talking, silent time bomb that was due to disappear into the afterlife anytime from now.

Hyukjae sometimes wondered if Jongwoon was really that stupid. With an exasperated and somewhat frustrated sigh, Hyukjae stopped in his tracks by the sidewalk as he remembered all the times Jongwoon tried his best to make him happy. It all started after their usual monthly checkup with Siwon, and Jongwoon began acting weird after that.

It was only when Hyukjae knew the truth that he finally realized the meaning of the looks Jongwoon kept giving him.

Hyukjae rubbed his face with his hand, his expression distraught. What am I going to do now…?

I don’t know what to do…

Should I contact Mom…? No… she’s still sick and visits the hospital frequently. I don’t want to worsen her condition by letting her know that her son is dying.

My sister then…?

What about Kyu, Wookie, and Jungsoo-hyung…?

Heechul-hyung, Kangin-hyung, Sungmin-hyung, and Shindong-hyung?

Even Donghae, who’s currently living far from Korea?

What am I supposed to tell them?

Hyukjae was about to go crazy when he suddenly spotted something at the café shop in front of him.

That coat is really familiar…?

When Hyukjae stepped forward to get a closer look, his heart stopped when he saw two familiar people sitting together at a table. His chest clenched at the sight of Jongwoon sobbing silently behind the glass windows, and Siwon wiping his tears for him with a handkerchief.

Hyukjae’s mood worsened when he realized that he was most likely the reason why his lover was crying so desperately like that.

 

V.

 

Hyukjae didn’t know how he had managed to get back to their apartment, but his mind was too full of thoughts to worry about that now. Grabbing the sticky note from the fridge, he took it with him as he sat on the couch, sighing heavily.

He now wondered if it was a good idea to continue living with Jongwoon in this kind of state. It broke his heart so much to know that he was the one who kept on burdening Jongwoon, especially now that he knew the truth. Was it even right to keep staying by his side? Wasn’t it too unfair? Again, Jongwoon deserved someone better. Someone who would be with him until… until they grew old.

Because Hyukjae couldn’t give him any of that.

But why… do I still not have it in me to let him go?

Why am I so selfish? God…

Hyukjae stayed like that for a long moment, his gaze vacant, not even noticing that Jongwoon came home and closed the door behind him until the older man spoke up in a slightly hoarse voice.

“I’m home.”

Hyukjae didn’t respond nor react; he couldn’t do anything but remain still. He still didn’t know what to do or what the right thing to do was. It was all so depressing that he just wanted to give up and leave already.

At that moment, Jongwoon sat down beside him, not too near yet not too far away, and asked, “What is it?”

When Jongwoon reached out a hand to touch him, Hyukjae found himself moving away slightly, swallowing at the hurt expression that crossed his lover’s features.

I’m not even worthy of being touched by you anymore.

Hyukjae didn’t even realize that he was crushing the sticky note in his hand until he felt the jagged pieces poking at his skin. Exhaling deeply, he placed the crushed sticky note on the coffee table and shut his eyes. “So how was your doctor’s appointment?” he asked flatly. “What did Dr. Choi say to you?”

What did you talk about with him?

“I just went to ask if I… if I could change my pills since I couldn’t handle their bitter taste in my mouth,” Jongwoon said hesitantly. “After that, Dr. Choi treated me to a late lunch…”

Change your pills…?

Liar.

“I see,” Hyukjae responded lifelessly. “I hope you had a great time…”

“Hyukkie, what’s wrong…?” Jongwoon asked softly. “You haven’t been looking at me the entire time we’ve been talking. If there’s anything—”

“I saw you, you know,” Hyukjae interrupted quietly. Best to tell him that part of the truth now.

“What…?”

“I saw you at that café earlier,” Hyukjae repeated, waiting patiently for Jongwoon’s response and elaboration. He wanted to know what they were talking about and why Jongwoon looked so sad. He wanted to confirm if it really was about him.

“I met Dr. Choi at the hospital first,” Jongwoon clarified. “I… I asked him to change my pills to something much stronger because the pain was sometimes too much for me… and after that he suggested we eat at a café so I could fill my stomach with something before I took my pills.”

Hyukjae turned his head slightly, facing his lover. “And..?”

From his peripheral vision, he could see Jongwoon freezing in place. He opened his lips, seemingly wanting to say something, but the words were stuck in his throat. Hyukjae understood him though. He began to understand it now.

It really was because of him.

“...Did you decide to leave me?” Hyukjae spoke up, unable to control the pain from showing in his voice. “Do you find it difficult being with me now that you had to cry like that in front of Siwon earlier? Am I not enough for you anymore, hyung?”

When he felt his eyes stinging and warm liquid flowing down his cheeks, Hyukjae realized that he was crying.

“You never confide in me that much anymore,” Hyukjae continued on, sniffling. “Do… Do you still love me? If not, you can tell me. Tell me, and I’ll disappear if — if you want me to. I’ll—”

When Jongwoon suddenly used that moment to lock him in his arms, Hyukjae thrashed about, not wanting to be held at all. He felt like he was being a selfish little kid, wanting desperately to hold onto something that should never be pulled along with him.

“I love you, I still love you, you’re the last person I will ever love like this, and no, I would never leave you and I don’t want you to disappear!” Jongwoon suddenly told him in a broken voice, his breathing short and rapid as he tried to get all the words out at once.

Hyukjae stopped resisting when the words escaped Jongwoon’s lips, his eyes widening in surprise.

“How could — how could you say that to me after all we went through together?! Don’t say things like that again… please.. please, Hyukjae…”

Hyukjae bit his lip as the guilt, shame, and happiness washed over his body like a tide.

.

I’m… the worst person ever.

“S—Sorry…” Hyukjae mumbled apologetically, letting himself cry in Jongwoon’s arms. “Sorry, hyung… I—I’m really… s—sorry… ugh…”

“Don’t say you’re sorry… please…” Jongwoon begged, hugging him even tighter than possible. “Just stay with me… stay with me…”

I will… Hyukjae promised to himself, biting his lip as the desperation came over him once more. I will…

A—As long as I’m still alive… I will...

 

VI.

 

After that night, Hyukjae decided that he wouldn’t make Jongwoon unhappy anymore. However, it was still difficult for him to accept the reality of his disease, so he decided to go pay a visit to Siwon in the morning.

When Jongwoon bade him a hesitant goodbye before leaving for work, Hyukjae moved towards him and gave his lover a long embrace, wrapping his arms around Jongwoon’s neck and resting his chin against his shoulder.

He could feel Jongwoon reciprocating the hug, giving him that same warmth that always sent the butterflies fluttering in his stomach.

After that, Jongwoon left with his coat and car keys. Hyukjae waited until the door was closed and peeked out of the windows, knowing that Jongwoon’s car was parked right below. When he saw his lover getting inside the car and driving away, Hyukjae took a deep breath and put on his own coat, planning to visit the hospital as soon as possible.

---

●◉◎◈◎◉●

---

“You wanted to see me, Hyukjae-ssi?”

Hyukjae entered Siwon’s office with a determined look on his face. Siwon was seated behind his desk, looking slightly confused. Hyukjae couldn’t blame him though; they only ever interacted with each other whenever Jongwoon was around, plus Hyukjae never bothered to ask Siwon about the ‘vitamins’ he was taking, thinking back then that his condition was too mild to worry about.

Boy, was he wrong.

“Yes,” Hyukjae responded, taking a seat and inhaling a deep breath. He was so nervous and dreaded the outcome of this talk, but it was now or never. There was no turning back now.

“Okay. What is it?” Siwon asked gently. “It sounds serious, judging by the look on your face. Is it about Jongwoon-ssi, perhaps?”

Hyukjae shook his head. “No… it’s…” He exhaled, then decided to let it all out in one go. “I know Jongwoon’s secret. The one he’s been trying so hard to hide from me. I need to know what my condition is, Siwon-ssi. Please tell me.”

When all those words came out of Hyukjae’s lips, Siwon just sat there, wide-eyed, caught off-guard by the unexpected topic. By secret, did that mean Jongwoon didn’t tell Hyukjae himself and Hyukjae somehow found out?

Siwon swallowed as he felt Hyukjae’s probing gaze on him. He wasn’t actually a bad liar, but it was clear at this point that Hyukjae would stop at nothing to get information from him, and when Siwon thought about it more carefully, Hyukjae had the right to know what was going on inside his own body. He deserved that much respect at least, especially when he himself wanted to know what exactly was happening to him.

“Alright,” Siwon agreed. “I’ll tell you everything you want to know.” He leaned forward slightly, and when he saw that he had Hyukjae’s full attention, he continued on.

“First off, about 10 in 1,000,000 people have this kind of disease. They’re people who suddenly died peacefully in their sleep, not having felt any pain beforehand yet they still passed away without anyone knowing about it.”

Reeled by the information, Hyukjae slumped in his seat. “But how did I contract this disease?” Hyukjae asked quietly. “I don’t… I don’t have any bad habits; I don’t smoke, and I stopped drinking after Jongwoon-hyung scolded me about getting drunk too many times while we were dating in college. I don’t get stressed or sick often, either…”

Siwon looked at him sympathetically, taking a deep breath before he spoke. “Well, the thing is… Hyukjae-ssi, some people who contracted this illness either had weak immune systems, chronic fatigue, asthma, obesity, or vertigo. There were also some who had previous cases of alcohol addiction and medicinal overdose.

“However, most of those people had one thing in common.”

Confusion crossed Hyukjae’s features as he inquired, “Which is…?”

Siwon hesitated. “...Heredity.”

Hyukjae froze.

“Wait a second… you — you mean…?”

“It’s possible that you acquired this disease from one of your family members,” Siwon explained, sympathy rising in his chest at the crestfallen expression on Hyukjae’s face. “It usually develops during your mid-twenties to late-thirties, hence why you didn’t have a problem with sleeping too much back when you were a student.”

Hyukjae averted his gaze from the doctor to his lap, his head hung low at the unexpected revelation. He’d had an inkling before that the disease was somehow similar to his father’s, but he had never really thought too much about it before.

Damn… Good thing I don’t have any kids, then… Hyukjae thought wryly in spite of himself.

“Will… you tell him?” Siwon suddenly spoke up, his words and tone careful.

There was a beat of silence. Hyukjae kept his gaze on his lap, his expression unreadable. Siwon tried to read the emotions of the man before him, but to no avail.

It seemed that the more mysterious one of the couple was actually the bright and cheerful Hyukjae instead of the serious and sensitive Jongwoon.

When Hyukjae finally spoke, his lips were curved into a melancholic smile.

“...No.”

Siwon looked surprised. “No…? Why?”

Hyukjae leaned back against his chair, tilting his head back to stare at the ceiling. “If I tell him,” he said languidly, “then he’ll worry even more.”

Siwon was confused. “What do you mean? Jongwoon-hyung’s been trying to keep your condition from you a secret just to protect you, so if you tell him, then he wouldn’t need to stress over continuing to hide it from you, right?”

A rueful expression crossed Hyukjae’s face, a transition that only passed by briefly before he straightened his head and sent Siwon a smile that didn’t reach his eyes.

“If Jongwoon-hyung knows that I know, then he’d worry even more,” Hyukjae repeated softly. “It wouldn’t only be him who needs to tread on eggshells, but the two of us instead. If he knows, then that would mean I have to show him everything that I’m feeling. And… I don’t want both of us to get anxious and waste more time that way.”

Siwon looked perplexed. “Hyukjae-ssi, I’m sorry, but I don’t think I understand…”

Hyukjae corrected his posture and leaned towards Siwon’s desk, resting his elbows there as he gave the doctor an easy smile.

“If both of us know about my condition, that I’m dying without any one of us knowing when my time would come, wouldn’t that bring anxiety and unending worries?” Hyukjae explained patiently. “Jongwoon-hyung… you know that he’s quite sensitive, right?”

Siwon nodded.

“Well, because of my condition that he has to keep a secret, he’s been trying to be the strong one every time,” Hyukjae said tenderly. “But since I’m ‘unaware’ of it, I’m the one who’s always cheerful, always brightening the atmosphere with my blissful ignorance. Like, since I don’t know about my condition, then why should I worry about anything? I’ll still live life like usual, enjoying moments here and there. Enjoying every time spent with my boyfriend as... he tries his best to keep me happy during these days I have left to live.”

Siwon stayed silent, feeling hesitant at listening to Hyukjae’s affectionate tone when he talked about Jongwoon. It felt like he was intruding on something private that only belonged to the two of them, to this couple who deserved more than what they’d gotten in life.

Why did they have to be so unlucky?

“So, I won’t tell him,” Hyukjae concluded almost nonchalantly, his smile stretched into a grin that showed his gums. “I’ll continue to be that bright ray of sunshine for hyung and make his worries go away. I won’t make him…” His voice suddenly trailed off as he seemed to take a deep breath before continuing.

“...I won’t make him feel like I’m about to die.”

Hyukjae swallowed the lump in his throat.

“Because just as much as I don’t want him to leave me, I also don’t want to leave him,” Hyukjae whispered. “I don’t want to argue with him or pick fights for no reason at all. I don’t… I don’t want us to turn out like — like my parents… I’m not like my father. I won’t leave him, my family, for no reason.”

Siwon listened to everything, somehow putting the pieces of the puzzle together. Whereas Jongwoon was afraid to be alone, Hyukjae was afraid that he’d turn out to be like his father.

Meanwhile, in Hyukjae’s head, he remembered all the times he passed by his sister’s room, hearing her pained sobs from behind the closed door. He remembered his mother sitting at the table in the dining room, her expression dazed and startlingly empty while her coffee cup lay forgotten in front of her.

Hyukjae hated remembering his past, especially of his father. That part of his life had torn a hole in his heart and made him fear being left alone all over again.

But this time, he was the one leaving, and it hurt a thousand times more as he wondered what Jongwoon was going to do if he left him alone in this world.

I’m pathetic… Hyukjae thought to himself wryly, shaking his head slightly. So selfish...

A traitorous thought entered his mind at that moment.

Don’t you understand your own father now?

Hyukjae shook his head slightly.

“Say, Dr. Choi…”

“You can call me Siwon-ssi, Hyukjae-ssi,” Siwon offered with a gentle smile. “I think by this point, we’re way past plain formalities, aren’t we?”

Hyukjae looked at him in surprise before breaking into a chuckle. “You’re right, you’re right… Hah… I’m sorry.” He rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. “I feel like I came to you for a counseling session instead of asking about my own condition… I feel really bad…”

Siwon shook his head, giving dismissive gestures. “No, no, it’s fine,” he assured. “I don’t mind. I don’t have any patients or appointments today, so you can talk as freely as you wish. Besides,” Siwon added with a light snicker, “Jongwoon-hyung talks to me a lot whenever he comes to see me, too.”

Hyukjae cracked a smile at that. “As expected of Jongwoon-hyung, tsk. That hyung really talks a lot, doesn’t he?” he complained with a shake of his head, though both of them knew he didn’t mean it seriously.

Siwon smiled. “He does.”

“Oh, by the way, Siwon-ssi, you exercise, right?” Hyukjae suddenly asked.

Siwon nodded. “Yeah, I do… why?”

“When do you usually exercise?”

“Early in the morning near the central park,” Siwon answered, still confused. “Why?”

“Ah…” Hyukjae nodded slowly, clasping his hands together as if he were debating on the right words to say. “Well… Jongwoon-hyung likes to exercise early in the morning at that place, too.”

“Yeah, I see him there sometimes, but the routes we take are different,” Siwon supplied.

“Siwon-ssi…” Hyukjae swallowed, then looked the doctor in the eyes. “Do you mind… watching over him for me?”

Siwon’s eyes widened. “What… me?”

“Well, Jongwoon-hyung… sometimes he tends to get exhausted easily and gets one of his headache episodes as he exercises… I’m just worried that, you know, something might happen to him…”

Siwon leaned back in his chair, understanding what Hyukjae was trying to say. Nodding slowly, Siwon sent him a small smile.

“I get it. I will…” His features softened into that of a sad expression. “I’ll do it for you, Hyukjae-ssi.”

Hyukjae glanced at Siwon’s encouraging smile and he felt a bit of the burden freeing itself from his shoulders.

They talked again for a bit before Hyukjae finally bid goodbye, saying that he needed to come home before Jongwoon did. Siwon bowed back politely and watched as the smaller man made his way towards the door.

“Hyukjae-ssi...” Siwon called out softly just as Hyukjae placed his hand over the knob. “It’s okay to show that you’re sad. I’m sure… that Jongwoon-hyung would prefer that…”

Hyukjae had his back to him, so Siwon couldn’t see his face, but he could see Hyukjae’s back beginning to tremble.

Siwon felt a heavy sensation of pity pooling in his gut. Hyukjae, who had always seemed so indestructible, so confident, actually had such a small frame, with tiny shoulders that weren’t sturdy enough to lift the burden this disease had on him.

“I know…” was Hyukjae’s slightly choked response. “I know… but…

“I’d rather be the strong one for him this time.”

 

VII.

 

Hyukjae woke up in the middle of the night, opening his eyes blearily. For some reason, his mind decided to raise him out of his unconscious state, and when his vision slowly gained focus, he saw Jongwoon’s eyes fixed on his face.

They stared at each other like that for a long moment, none of them moving an inch from their positions. Due to their close proximity, Hyukjae could see the faint worry lines etched on Jongwoon’s face and the exhaustion making itself evident on the older’s expression. It wasn’t a physical type of fatigue, Hyukjae knew, but an emotional one.

Hyukjae blinked slowly, his gaze a mixture of confusion and sadness. “Why do you keep looking at me like that…?” he whispered.

Jongwoon was quiet for a moment before he spoke in a low, soft voice. “Like what…?”

Hyukjae’s lips curved into a rueful smile.

“Like you’re afraid I’ll disappear…”

Jongwoon stiffened at that. Hyukjae’s features softened as he reached out for his lover, locking the latter in his arms.

“Did you have a bad dream again?” Hyukjae said soothingly, rubbing Jongwoon’s back comfortingly. “I’m here… whenever you have a bad dream, just call out my name…” Hyukjae swallowed the burning lump in his throat. “...just call out my name, and I’ll hug your nightmares away… okay?”

Jongwoon made a muffled sound against Hyukjae’s shirt as he desperately clutched the fabric in his hands.

You’re such a liar.

Hyukjae shut his eyes and let his warmth envelop his lover. When he felt Jongwoon’s body relaxing in his arms, his breathing deep and steady, Hyukjae sighed wistfully.

“I’ll chase your dreams away for as long as I’m still here…” he whispered. “So please…

“Don’t cry…”

 

VIII.

 

Days passed by and went. However, it was like a blur to Hyukjae. Each day, he felt like he was running out of time. There wasn’t a single time when he didn’t feel the slightest bit anxious.

Not only that, but fear was starting to get to him the more he spent his days, mocking him before he slept and scaring him whenever he sat by himself alone. He never had a serious problem with stress before, but now he was starting to feel the effects of it. It was as if, inside his mind, there was a virtual hourglass, and the grains of sand were almost all escaping from the top half of the glass.

Sometimes, he wondered if Jongwoon didn’t want to go to work either just as much as Hyukjae didn’t want him to go. He had become terribly clingy now, but he tried to reign it in as much as possible. He didn’t want Jongwoon to become suspicious and worry more about him.

However, even at work, Hyukjae found it hard to focus. Heechul and Shindong sometimes commented on his thin frame, telling him to eat more, and Kangin also scolded him for the dark circles under his eyes. They didn’t know that Hyukjae was so scared to fall asleep that he often pretended to sleep whenever Jongwoon was still awake beside him. He didn’t want to close his eyes and suddenly not open them again. He still had a lot of things to do, a lot of things he needed to say.

But… it was hard. It was too hard.

Jongwoon-hyung must be having a difficult time, too… Hyukjae thought to himself absently as he wiped away his tears. Crying had suddenly become the norm for him nowadays, but he couldn’t help it. If he didn’t cry, he would go crazy.

Last night, when they were in bed and Hyukjae was pretending to sleep, his eyes fluttered open in shock when he felt Jongwoon’s body trembling against his and he heard something that sounded achingly familiar to a sob.

 

“Don’t…”

Hyukjae’s expression turned overly concerned as he caressed Jongwoon’s head and rubbed circles on the older’s back. He seemed to be having a nightmare again. It was killing Hyukjae to see his lover like this.

If only he could, he would take all of Jongwoon’s pain away.

“Don’t…” Jongwoon repeated in a desperate whisper, and Hyukjae tried to soothe him by whispering gentle nothings into his ear.

When a stray tear slid down Jongwoon’s cheek, Hyukjae felt his heart crushing.

“What is it, hyung…?” he murmured anxiously. “Don’t what…?”

As if he heard him, Jongwoon reached out feebly and grasped the material of Hyukjae’s shirt, choking out his next words.

“Don’t die…” he whispered miserably. “Don’t die, Hyukkie… please…”

Hyukjae felt his whole world crashing down at that moment. Biting his lip to restrain his own sobs, he couldn’t do anything but pull Jongwoon closer to him instead, desperate for some sort of warmth that could fill the sudden void within him and to clear out the fear that was making him suffer.

Hyukjae shut his eyes, tightening his grip on his lover.

“I…”

“I don’t want to die too, hyung…”

 

He remembered him muttering that to Jongwoon as the older continued to sleep, unaware that Hyukjae’s tears were staining his pillow.

“I really don’t want to die…” Hyukjae whispered to himself.

But… as he thought more and more about his lover’s despair, something protective stirred inside him, something that overwhelmed the fear inside him and made him hope for something else other than surviving.

Soon, he made up his mind and strengthened his resolve.

“I don’t want to die…” he repeated to himself with a deep breath.

“...But I don’t want you to be miserable without me, either.”

Darting his eyes around the apartment with renewed vigor, he stared at each and every furniture in the vicinity, as if he were memorizing them.

Hyukjae made his decision and went inside the guest room. Taking out a box from the nightstand drawer, he took out a few pieces of paper as well as a black pen. This was his only chance to do this without getting caught since it was his day-off today and not Jongwoon’s, plus he had plenty of time before his lover came back home from work.

It was time to write.

---

●◉◎◈◎◉●

---

“Yah, Donghae-ya,” Hyukjae said the moment his call was picked up.

“Oh…? Hyukkie?” Donghae’s surprised voice said from the other end of the line.

Hyukjae grinned, still continuing to write on the paper in front of him. “Yo. Did I disturb anything?”

“Nothing at all,” Donghae responded, and for a moment Hyukjae could hear the sound of a blender running in the background. “Just making myself a smoothie. So what’s up?”

“Hae-ya, I need to ask for a favor,” Hyukjae began.

“A favor? Sure… if it’s in my power, I’ll do it.”

“Haha, it’s just a really small favor.”

“Really? Then what is it?”

“Hae-ya, I’m going to be leaving soon,” Hyukjae said softly. “So… Jongwoon-hyung will be left here all alone…”

“You’re leaving??” There was a clear note of surprise in Donghae’s voice. “When? Where?”

“Uh, soon… I’ll let you know when… and I’m just going some… someplace far…” Hyukjae said slowly, shutting his eyes in order to contain the emotion in his voice.

“Oh… is that for work?”

“Y… yeah.”

“I see. Will you be gone for a long time?”

“Yeah… so… I’d really appreciate it if you keep checking up on Jongwoon-hyung while I’m away…”

“Oh, is that it? Sure, no problem!” Hyukjae could almost feel the grin in Donghae’s voice. “I used to call Jongwoon-hyung a lot just to talk, but I stopped once you two started dating.”

Hyukjae laughed. “Yeah, I know… also, if Jongwoon-hyung calls you, don’t hang up the phone unless he does it first, okay?”

“Sheesh… of course! I also won’t ignore any of his calls!” Donghae exclaimed. “But why should I call him often, though? What about you?”

Hyukjae felt his throat constricting at the question. “Well… the place I’m going to…” he said carefully, a sad smile starting to play on his lips. “I can’t call anyone from there, so…”

“Ahh, I see,” Donghae replied in understanding. “No wonder you’re so worried about Jongwoon-hyung. Don’t worry, Hyukkie. I’ll take care of him when you’re gone!”

At that, Hyukjae started to cry. “I—I really hope you will…” he choked out. “Thank you so much…”

“Haha! Are you crying? Geez, don’t be so sad! Jongwoon-hyung is strong enough to hold on without you, so don’t worry about a thing! Besides, you’ll be coming back, right?”

Hyukjae could only smile sadly, though thankfully he wasn’t able to respond to that question since Donghae was already talking about another topic, something about having plain avocado for dinner. Health freak.

“Besides, you’ll be coming back, right?”

“I don’t think so, Donghae-ya…” Hyukjae whispered as he eventually ended the call, tears falling freely from his eyes. “I’m sorry…”

It was only the first call and yet he was already getting emotional. He really needed to toughen up this time.

Putting the pen down on the coffee table, he went to his contacts list and began calling after he composed himself.

“Hello?”

“Oh, Ryeowook-ah,” Hyukjae greeted cheerfully.

“Hyukjae-hyung?” Ryeowook sounded surprised. “What’s up? You don’t usually call me…”

“Well, you see, I’m leaving soon…”

Same line, same lie. Hyukjae swallowed the rising guilt in his throat as he asked for favors from Ryeowook, Kyuhyun, and Jungsoo, asking them to look after Jongwoon when he was gone for his ‘business trip’. Kyuhyun, ever the inquisitive one, asked him why he was being so vague with the details, but Hyukjae was good at evading questions, so Kyuhyun gave up and silently assumed that Hyukjae was just having a hard time thinking about leaving his boyfriend behind.

Oh, how wrong he was.

“Just let him touch your face however and whenever he wants, please?” Hyukjae said, giggling as Kyuhyun seemed to be fuming from the other end of the line.

“Ugh… fine, fine! I’m doing this just because you’re the one asking me to… but remember! This’ll be the last time I ever heed your requests!” Kyuhyun warned, unaware of the turmoil in Hyukjae’s heart.

Hyukjae swallowed. “Y—Yeah… I promise it’ll… be the last time.”

The last call he made was to his sister. He wanted at least her out of his family to know. Sora didn’t deserve to suddenly receive news of his death without expecting it at all.

So, while in tears, Hyukjae told her to take good care of their mother who was still receiving treatment at the hospital. He promised to text and call her often from now on and even greet their mom occasionally. Since Sora had her own family and they lived far from the city but near their mother, she was the only one whom he could confide in.

It lessened the burden on his shoulders, but the guilt was increasing even more.

They really didn’t deserve this at all.

 

IX.

 

“Heechul-hyung.”

The aforementioned man looked up from his desk, startled at the sudden call of his name. “Oh? Hyukjae-ya,” Heechul greeted with a slow grin. “What’s up?”

“Hyung,” Hyukjae began, sitting on the chair beside the older man, “you mentioned to me a few days ago that you have two free vouchers for that famous resort by the beach, right?”

Heechul nodded slowly. “Yeah… I can’t use them since I’m too busy, and since the others are single—”

“Hyung!” Hyukjae grabbed Heechul by the shoulders excitedly. “Please let me have them!”

“Oh? So you decided to go have a brief getaway with your boyfriend, huh?” Heechul grinned, wagging his eyebrows suggestively. “Great choice, I must say!”

Hyukjae laughed at the older man’s silliness. “So can I have them, hyung? Please?”

Heechul chuckled along with him, ruffling his hair affectionately. “Of course you can, idiot. Here.” He rummaged inside his desk drawer for a bit before finally finding the coupons and giving them to Hyukjae. “I gave these to you, so don’t forget to invite me to the wedding, alright?!”

Hyukjae just kept on smiling. “Yes, of course! Thank you, hyung! Thank you so much!”

Heechul waved him off dismissively. “Alright, fine. Have fun with your lover! Now leave me to my work, okay?”

Hyukjae nodded fervently, then began skipping away from Heechul’s desk. The latter could only shake his head fondly at their youngest co-worker’s antics. He really was like a kid sometimes.

However, before Hyukjae could leave the cubicle row, he seemed to pause in his tracks as if he were having an internal debate about something. Heechul watched, perplexed, as Hyukjae suddenly turned around, strode back over to him, and gave him a tight hug.

Heechul could practically feel his body squishing from the tight grip Hyukjae had on him. “Ooof! Wh—What the heck are you d—doing, you monkey?!” he choked out, tapping the younger’s shoulder repeatedly as a warning to let him go. “Are you killing me or something?! Let go this instant!”

Hyukjae grinned as he pulled away, letting Heechul take in big gulps of air. Afterwards, the older man gave him a death glare that could rival even hell’s most intense flames. “What the hell was that for, bastard?!” he cursed.

“Nothing! I just…” Hyukjae seemed to shy away from his hyung’s fierce gaze.

Heechul raised an eyebrow. “You just what?”

“I…” Hyukjae smiled and started to back away from his hyung. “I just think that I’ll really miss you when I’m about to leave,” he replied softly, bowing his head towards a shell-shocked Heechul. “Thank you very much for everything, hyung.”

Heechul watched the younger leave, still frozen in shock. “G—Geez, that kid…” he muttered to himself as he turned back to his desk, feeling his heart somehow grow heavy from Hyukjae’s words. “He’s only leaving for a quick getaway with his boyfriend, so why’s he acting like he’s saying goodbye for a long while…”

 

X.

 

After that, everything was set. Hyukjae managed to convince Jongwoon to go to the resort last minute, and while they drove there they started talking about their plans when they’d arrive at the place. Hyukjae wanted to go to their amusement park nearby which was apparently a hot spot for tourists while Jongwoon wanted to go on walks along the beach. In the midst of their excitement, Hyukjae also mentioned that he wanted to see the sunrise together before they left.

When they reached the resort, they took their bags from the car and checked in with their room. Hyukjae proposed that they eat dinner together after going on the rides since he was afraid that they might throw up all the good food they ate. Jongwoon agreed with this, so after unpacking their things inside their room, they took a shower separately and dressed up for a fun night that was about to come.

A night that Hyukjae felt was going to be his last.

So, determined to enjoy every bit of tonight, Hyukjae dragged Jongwoon along with him to the amusement park, forcing him to ride on roller coasters and even the dreaded pirate ship. Jongwoon looked like a mess afterwards and his throat became slightly hoarse from all the yelling, so Hyukjae took pity on him and led him out towards the exit.

“Never take me to those kinds of rides again,” Jongwoon wheezed out as he gulped down a bottle of water he bought at one of the stands they passed earlier.

Will there ever be a next time, though?

Hyukjae laughed. “But hyung, didn’t you have fun? I had the time of my life!”

“You, maybe. But not me.” Jongwoon shuddered at the thought of having to board that blasted pirate ship again. “But… well, it felt good to see you look so alive.” He smiled at his lover. “You seemed a bit sad these past few days, so I’m really glad that you took us here. I think we really needed this.”

Hyukjae felt a weight on his heart that hadn’t been there before. “Ah… yeah…” he said hesitantly, choosing to look out towards the view instead. They were now starting to approach the beach; since it was getting late at night, only a few people were there, enjoying their time with each other. There were even a few couples sitting on the shore, talking animatedly and leaning their heads against their partner’s shoulders.

Jongwoon spotted a trash can nearby and threw his empty bottle there. “Anyway, since we’re here, let’s go for a walk.”

Hyukjae nodded with an eager smile. “Sure, let’s.”

As they enjoyed their evening stroll by the beach, Hyukjae linked his arms with Jongwoon, content by the warmth his boyfriend was always able to give him.

Everything felt so peaceful and filling and Hyukjae relished every moment of it, knowing that his time was slowly running out.

However, the night that he’d expected to be fairly uneventful was broken the moment Jongwoon got on his knees before him, telling him all the things he loved about him as well as revealing how much he wanted Hyukjae by his side.

It was all too sudden, too unexpected.

However, happiness still burst inside his chest, enveloping him with a strong sense of gratitude that he couldn’t express in mere words. Here he was, so undeserving of all the love Jongwoon had given him all these years, and yet Jongwoon never failed to make him feel like he was worth it in every way.

And then...

“Will you marry me?”

Hyukjae’s heart stopped.

Can I… really? he wondered.

Despite his hesitance, Hyukjae nodded, too choked up to say anything. Jongwoon stood up and slipped the ring into his finger, Hyukjae watching him with tears welling up in his eyes. Unable to hold it in any longer, Hyukjae threw himself at him at that moment and Jongwoon caught him in his arms, laughing softly as Hyukjae sobbed into his shoulder.

“Wh—When I said I w—wanted to get married by the sea,” Hyukjae stammered, “I never imagined you’d p—propose to me here, too…”

Why?

Why do you make me feel so happy…?

“I told you that we’ll be together until we get sick of each other,” Jongwoon said soothingly, rubbing circles on the younger’s back comfortingly.

You… you really mean it…?

“When did you buy that ring a—anyway?” Hyukjae choked out, his mind reeling with unanswered questions. “We just went here last minute, so how—”

Jongwoon chuckled. “Silly.” He pulled back and stared at Hyukjae in the eyes with a gentle smile that made the latter’s heart skip a beat. “A few months ago, actually.”

Hyukjae was dumbfounded. That long…? That would mean…

Even after he knew…?

“I’ve been trying to find the perfect opportunity… and I’ve always wanted to marry you, so…”

The words were lost in Hyukjae’s head as he immediately wrapped his arms around Jongwoon in an emotional embrace, nestling his head against the crook of his lover’s neck and wetting his clothes with his tears. He was so happy that he was starting to feel like — for just one moment, this one right here — he could forget all of his worries right then and there and just enjoy this time with his lover.

I love him…

I love him… so much...

God…

I don’t want to leave…

 

XI.

 

Because they were too wide-awake due to the earlier excitement, they decided to forgo sleep and began talking about funny moments from the past. Hyukjae enjoyed telling stories; it felt like everything was back to normal once again, just laughing freely like this with his lover — no, fiancé now — and best friend. However, he was also starting to feel the effects of sleepiness. In spite of that though, something inside him begged him not to let himself surrender to this compulsion.

As if giving in to the urge would be the last time he’d ever spend another moment with Jongwoon.

So Hyukjae endured it, and watched with half-lidded eyes as Jongwoon checked the time on his phone.

“Do you wanna go watch the sunrise?” Jongwoon asked.

Oh, right… it’s nearing morning already...

Hyukjae nodded nevertheless. “Sure! We can sleep afterwards,” he responded, getting out of the bed and stretching his arms.

As Jongwoon nodded back and smiled, Hyukjae managed to fish out his phone from his pocket and send one last text to his sister whom he’d been communicating with frequently these days.

 

Noona… I know you’re sleeping right now. I’m sorry. By the time you get this text, it might already be morning. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to last that long.

Noona, thank you for everything. I love you and Mom so much.

 

●◉◎◈◎◉●

 

When they got out of the resort and made themselves comfortable on one of the benches by the seaside that overlooked the horizon, the two of them started talking about the gorgeous view. Specks of orange and yellow began coloring the dark-gray sky, peeking out from the thick clouds. The transition was quick yet stunning to look at; soon enough, the sun began peeking out from the horizon, bringing with it bright colors of orange that illuminated the sky and the surroundings.

When Hyukjae saw the beautiful sight, he could feel something heavy lifting off of his shoulders, lightening his heart and setting it free. However, with this liberty came a strange kind of exhaustion that began nagging at his body, pulling it down towards an abyss.

“...” Hyukjae began rubbing at his eyes, feeling it drooping from the lids. He and Jongwoon hadn’t had any sleep since earlier, and he was already exhausted from restraining himself.

“Hyung… I’m sleepy,” he said quietly, letting out a yawn as he placed his head on Jongwoon’s lap. Jongwoon allowed him, and Hyukjae could feel his lover’s fingers gently threading through his hair. Jongwoon had always loved touching his strands and caressing his scalp, and Hyukjae loved it as well. He felt like he was being enveloped by a beautiful kind of warmth, like he was being constantly shown love with the little things.

“Take a nap, then.” Jongwoon’s soft voice drifted into his ears, soothing him. “I’ll be here to wake you up when it gets too hot to be here outside.”

Hyukjae smiled at that. How could he deserve all this love that was being showered upon him so selflessly by his fiancé? “Thanks, hyung,” he said gratefully, snuggling closer to his lover and wrapping his arms around his waist.

They stayed like that for a few moments, with Jongwoon peacefully enjoying the view and Hyukjae relishing the warmth of his fiancé’s body. Instead of feeling afraid of the unknown pull that was urging him to sleep, Hyukjae felt nothing but pure happiness in his heart. With Jongwoon by his side, the fear was vanishing.

As long as Jongwoon was here, he was never going to be afraid.

Not even of death.

If this is goodbye...

“Hyung, I’ve never told you this, right?” Hyukjae began quietly, the smile on his face growing. “I always made fun of you and teased you a lot whenever you told this to me and I never said it back. I’m actually… well, just embarrassed… it’s the first time I ever felt this way with someone, after all.”

...then I might as well say goodbye properly.

When Jongwoon looked down at him, the surprise evident on his expression, Hyukjae stared back with his unwavering smile.

“Oh… well, it’s no problem…” Jongwoon responded slowly, understanding what the younger was talking about. “You can say it whenever you like. I don’t mind. I already feel how much you care for me.” His lips began to curve into a grateful smile, and Hyukjae felt like his heart was already full.

He’s so beautiful when he smiles.

“Why are you suddenly being sentimental like this, though?” Jongwoon asked with a low chuckle. “Usually you’d just tease me a lot and tell me that I’m sensitive enough for the both of us. What brought on this sort of change?”

“Hmm? I don’t know…” Hyukjae wanted to sound teasing, but after the words came out of his lips, he yawned again, feeling his eyelids starting to droop even more. “I just feel like saying these things to you… as your new fiancé, hehe.”

I’m saying goodbye, Jongwoon-ah.

A few moments passed by just like that, and Hyukjae was beginning to feel like his time was running out.

Do you already realize that I’m trying to say goodbye?

“I know about it, you know,” Hyukjae spoke up quietly, absently playing with the material of Jongwoon’s shirt.

“Know what?” Jongwoon asked, continuing to play with his fiancé’s hair.

Hyukjae turned his gaze away as the truth finally slipped out of his lips. “What you’ve always been trying to hide from me.”

There was a beat of stunned silence between them as Jongwoon seemed to be processing what Hyukjae just said.

“You… you know…?” Jongwoon choked out.

Hyukjae smiled. “Yeah… I do.”

And I’m sorry...

“I understand why you never told me, though... It must’ve been really painful for you… I could see it in your eyes sometimes.”

Whenever you looked at me with those sad eyes like your heart was breaking just by staring at my face...

Hyukjae took a breath before continuing, letting go of all the things he’d been keeping inside his chest. “So I kept my awareness a secret from you, too. I’m sorry…”

This time, the silence between them lasted longer. Hyukjae waited patiently, still fighting the urge to sleep and end it all now. He still wanted to talk more with Jongwoon, to smile more with him, to laugh more and cry and kiss until they’d impossibly get enough of each other.

So when Hyukjae heard a sniffle coming from his lover’s lips and felt the older’s body trembling against his touch, he smiled sadly.

“Hyung...” Hyukjae said softly. “...are you crying?”

I’m sorry.

“No,” Jongwoon replied with a somewhat steady voice. “No, Hyukjae-ya. I—I’m fine.”

Are you, really?

However, Hyukjae could only grin, not wanting to worry Jongwoon any further if he, too, started to break down in front of him.

I’ll be strong for you, my love.

Lifting his hand to rub the tiredness in his eyes, Hyukjae yawned. His body was already feeling exhausted, but he didn’t want to give up yet.

I feel like our time together has never been enough...

“I’ll always be here for you,” Hyukjae voiced out softly. “I’ll never really leave you, so… we’ll stay happy together, OK?”

Don’t some people say that spirits do exist? Hyukjae thought to himself absently. And don’t some say that when people die, they become stars…?

Whatever it is, whichever I become… I know that I’ll always be watching over you.

“Okay… I understand. Th—Thank you, Hyukjae-ya,” Jongwoon managed to choke out. “I’m… I’m so lucky… to have someone like you in my life.”

Hyukjae felt tears filling his eyes as well. He let them fall first and wiped them away inconspicuously with Jongwoon’s shirt.

Why are you thanking me…? When I only made you suffer all this time…

But…

“...And I’m lucky to have you, too,” Hyukjae responded, a bright grin spreading on his face as he faced his lover with the most tender gaze he could muster.

Thank you, too, hyung… for never leaving me.

And when he spoke his next words, they felt so foreign on his tongue. He had never really said them out loud before, but it was understood between the two of them that this was always his true feelings.

I don’t want to leave any more regrets.

“I love you, Jongwoon-ah…”

Hyukjae watched as a tear escaped Jongwoon’s left eye and the latter nodded fervently, seemingly overcome with emotion. “Yeah… I love you too, Hyukjae-ya…” he whispered, just loud enough for the younger to hear.

Hyukjae smiled and buried his face into Jongwoon’s shirt. He began memorizing his lover’s scent, began feeling every inch of his skin against his, began repeating Jongwoon’s deep, beautiful voice inside his head.

“Mmhmm… let’s get married by the sea someday, okay…” Hyukjae murmured, snuggling close to his lover.

Jongwoon laughed, squeezing Hyukjae’s shoulder in response. “Of course. Anything for you…” His voice seemed to echo now as Hyukjae slowly allowed himself to be pulled away by the unknown abyss.

So when he closed his eyes, he knew that this was it. He could feel his heart starting to slow, his body beginning to fall victim to extreme tiredness. He could still breathe, but his mind was starting to shut down as if he were slowly being coerced into a deep sleep.

Somehow, at that moment, images began to fill his head, one by one. The times when he was a kid, playing in the sandbox with his friends, laughing happily as if he hadn’t had a care in the world. The times when he was in grade school, too lazy to do his assignments and preferring to watch cartoons instead, much to the displeasure of his parents. The times when he was a high school teenager, sometimes ditching classes to go play at a PC room, eating ramen noodles while killing enemies on the computer. The times when he was a college student, ambitious and hardworking as he plowed through his exams and thesis papers. The times when he saw his parents fighting with each other for no reason at all, hiding behind the wall and listening to their arguments every night with teary eyes. The times when he dated Jongwoon, enjoying each other’s presence under the cherry blossom trees, talking about random things and chuckling at the funny stories they told.

The times when he lived together with Jongwoon, arguing about what to cook for dinner, complaining about whose turn it was to wash the dishes, fighting over the TV, comforting each other at their worst, kissing and making up because they could never stay angry at each other for long.

The time when Jongwoon knelt before him and asked him to marry him.

As that memory resurfaced in his mind, Hyukjae started to wish that he could’ve stayed on longer, at least just to know how it felt to be married. His friends would’ve been there, cheering for him. Jongwoon’s friends, too. Hyukjae would’ve convinced Jungsoo to play the piano since he was good at it, and he would’ve made Donghae his best man.

Hyukjae wondered what would happen after that. Would they adopt kids soon after? Hyukjae had always wanted children, and he knew Jongwoon did, too. Whenever the older saw children running around, he’d have this beautiful, longing smile on his face. Hyukjae never told this to him, but that smile was the reason why he kept on pestering Jongwoon about adopting after they married one day.

Hyukjae’s mind slowly shut down as the images began to fade away. He imagined Jongwoon’s happy face one more time, how the older’s expression would’ve looked like had they said their vows to each other. Now he was envisioning Jongwoon’s face once he was gone from his life, and Hyukjae’s chest suddenly throbbed in regret. He didn’t want to leave him like this, but he had no choice. He could only hope that Jongwoon would stay strong. Not only for himself, but for Hyukjae, too.

Because in all honesty, Jongwoon was the strongest one out of the two of them.

I hope... he won’t cry too much today...

It was Hyukjae’s last thought in his mind before he finally drifted off to sleep.

 

 

 

fin