At Least For Now - Justin Bieber

Canada - Lauv ft. Alessia Cara

Chaeyeon is about nine episodes deep into Produce48 when she starts to notice something a little different about Kim Minju’s behavior.

She doesn’t know the girl particularly well. Minju is pretty quiet, with no labelmates to share her Produce experience with and she seems kind of shy. Chaeyeon’s never really talked to her- the extent of their interactions has always been the general ‘hi-bye’ when they run into each other, and the nodding along on Chaeyeon’s part to the ‘she’s so pretty’ whenever Minju’s face shows up on the jumbotron they’ve got at the evaluation sessions.

“Great job! I think we’ll be just fine for the 1000% stage- thanks for all your hard work!”

Minju’s face is a little red when she raises her head back up, but Chaeyeon decides to chalk it up to the fact that they’ve just finished dance practice that inevitably leaves them tired and sweaty. “Thanks, unnie. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

There’s a foreign glimmer in Minju’s eyes as she addresses the older girl, but Chaeyeon is quick to cover up any indication that she’s noticed with a broad, easy smile. “Oh, don’t be like that. You’re so talented, Minju- you’d do well with or without me, or anyone really.”

She means it as a lighthearted compliment, but they’re the only ones in the practice room (for that little extra evening practice), and suddenly Minju leans in closer, the most serious Chaeyeon has ever seen her so far.

“No- I mean it. I don’t know what I would do here without you.”

Something in the air starts to shift and Chaeyeon doesn’t know how to handle this- so she does what she does best.

“Silly Minju. You’re doing fine just the way you are- keep practicing like this, and it won’t matter who you’re with in the end!”

She holds the door open and looks back at Minju expectantly. Minju hesitates a moment, but something in her seems to deflate in muted acceptance as she quietly shoulders her bag and passes by Chaeyeon through the open door. There are are a lot of emotions Chaeyeon can identify on Minju’s face (resignation, repudiation, fatigue, frustration), but the biggest one she sees is disappointment.

(She knows she’s deflecting and she knows it’s a defense mechanism. But she doesn’t know how else to let someone down without having to explain herself in the process).

“Have you ever had a crush on anyone, Saku-chan?”

Chaeyeon halts in her steps as she hears the familiar Japanese lilt in Nako’s light voice.

She hears Sakura laugh and she doesn’t know why the older girl sounds so nervous. “Wh- what?? All of a sudden?”

Chaeyeon keeps her silence in the hallway, safely out of sight. Nako’s voice floats through the air again. “I’m just asking. Why do you look so flustered?”

“I- nothing! I was just surprised.”

“Well answer the question! I heard you were super aloof back in HKT48 that no matter how handsome or pretty anyone was, you always turned them down.”

She hears Sakura nervously clear . “Um- I- I didn’t mean for it to come off like that.”

“But it’s true? You never accepted any of them?”

“I- yeah.”

“Yabai. You’ve never liked anyone?”

“Well I- I might have one now. I’m still a little unsure about it though.”

Chaeyeon’s feet suddenly move like autopilot, bringing her out of the dark hallway into the living room where the two girls are lounging on the couch. Nako looks eerily delighted to see her. Sakura looks like a deer in the headlights.

“Hey there, you two.” Chaeyeon puts on a well-practiced smile, easily masking any inner thoughts from outside view.

Nako beams. “Hey, Chaeyeon unnie.”

Sakura stares at her wide-eyed. Chaeyeon tries her best to ignore the underlying, nagging question of ‘why’. “Ch- Chaeyeon. Hey.”

“What’re you up to?” Chaeyeon converses easily, the way she deals with everything else in the world as she slides into the kitchen with her water bottle.

Nako just shrugs, although she’s still got that weird mysterious smile on her face, and Sakura looks way too embarrassed at Chaeyeon’s sudden appearance which should otherwise be a normal occurrence.

“Oh, nothing. Just interrogating Saku-chan here about her love life.”

Nako’s surprisingly cheeky and Chaeyeon loves it. “Spicy. Any new developments I should know about?”

She sees Nako give Sakura a weird side-eye that anyone less perceptive wouldn’t catch, but it’s gone as quickly as it came. “I’m still waiting to hear them.”

Sakura turns beet red. Chaeyeon just settles for another easy laugh. “Good luck. Make sure to report it to me when you’ve finished.” She mock-salutes Nako and flashes a Sakura a teasing smile before taking her newly-filled bottle and walking back to her room.

She doesn’t ever find out how that conversation ends, but she does notice that Nako suddenly begins to watch her a lot more carefully.

The thing is, nothing has happened.

There really hasn’t been anything bad that’s happened to her. She didn’t really go through anything particularly life-changing or perspective—implementing. She’s not a traumatized person.

The only person who’s ever traumatized Lee Chaeyeon is Chaeyeon herself.

Everything is going well. She’s won her spot from Produce, she’s moved into the IZ*ONE dorm, and finally out of her unstable trainee days where every day was a struggle to keep striving towards her dream.

She was so close to giving up. And then Produce happened, and well- that turned out fine.

Produce 48 felt like a divine intervention. The opportunity came right when she was considering throwing in the towel on idol life; it would be the one last chance, she told herself. She’d allow herself one last chance at making it here, and if it didn’t work out, she’d pack her bags and drop from WM with no further questions asked.

She really didn’t think she would make it. At first, with her lack of screen time and lack of attention from the mentors and group members (the show preferred to focus on the more poorly-performing trainees and while she was well-liked by the trainers, Chaeyeon was too experienced to provide any sufficient drama for the show), she told herself that this would just be closure for herself, so she could say she tried it all with no regrets.

Then the final voting happened and- as things would have it- looks like she’s not going to quit after all.

Being part of IZ*ONE has presented her with more opportunities than she could’ve ever imagined. It felt like her popularity exploded; her innate knack for dance and her firm position as the group’s representative dancer was quickly acknowledged by fans far and wide. The newfound attention was exponential. It was foreign, nerve-wracking, and absolutely exhilarating all at the same time.

Chaeyeon knows how to work hard. It’s all she’s done for so many years of trainee life, but to have so much new, sudden attention focused directly on her- well, her inner workaholic didn’t have much problem kicking into autopilot. There were all sorts of new pressures coming in from all sides. And there was so much of it- with her company’s hopes for her, her family’s hopes for her, the fans’ expectations of the main dancer, her fellow peers’ expectations of the so-called ‘best dancer of the 4th generation’, and her own pressure to rise above those standards- to live up to everything put on her shoulders and prove that she’s more than just the leftover last-place member of the voted group of twelve.

No one’s ever traumatized Chaeyeon into this weird state of preoccupation other than Chaeyeon herself. She just doesn’t know how to explain that to anyone else around her.

Miyawaki Sakura is like a hurricane.

She marches up and dives headfirst right into Produce 48, and Chaeyeon’s first impression of her is immediately something like ‘skinny, typical pretty face of the group with zero substance and minimal talent beneath’- so when Sakura first shows up on the evaluation stage of the first two episodes, Chaeyeon leans back in her seat and patiently resumes her nonchalant waiting for all this to be over and for the actual training to begin.

But then she watches Sakura’s shoulders square, her jaw tighten defiantly, the gleam in her eyes intensify, and there’s something so magnetic about her whole appearance that Chaeyeon stuns herself in how she’s unable to look away.

Chaeyeon didn’t expect much from the likes of Miyawaki Sakura, especially after seeing all the drama the girl stirred up with the whole center-fiasco  (Chaeyeon didn’t even bother with that mess because she knew it wasn’t a fight she’d win. Call her jaded, but as a three-time audition program survivor, she couldn’t help but cross her arms and lean back a little watching the first-timers scramble uselessly for more screen time and center positions they didn’t deserve.)

She doesn’t remember when or how it happened. All she does remember is that suddenly, her and Miyawaki Sakura are being pushed as best friends or something on the show, and the weirdest thing about it is that Sakura actually seems to mean it.

Her smiles directed at Chaeyeon are real. Her reactions to everything Chaeyeon does are startlingly authentic. And there don’t seem to be any ulterior motives when she comes to find Chaeyeon for s and giggles, even with every camera for the show turned off and pointed away.

Chaeyeon doesn’t really catch on to any of this, just casually going along with the flow. It’s not until the finale of the show where Sakura, confirmed second place out of 96 participants, turns to Chaeyeon during her victory speech on live TV all red-eyed and teary and pleads her heart-wrenchingly desperate wish for Chaeyeon to join them as the twelfth and final member. And when Chaeyeon is confirmed, against every odd and other competitor held against her- well, it’s something like chaotic and euphoric and apologetic all at once. Emotions are running high and she can barely see because of the tears in her eyes and honestly, the rest of the night quickly becomes one huge blur.

The Japanese members are hurried away after the shoot ends and everyone’s said their goodbyes- management wants to get them back home to pack for Korea as quickly as possible. But even while they’re being ushered away, Sakura somehow manages to sneak up next to Chaeyeon with the stars in her eyes that gleam ever bright in the dim night backstage ambiance. 

The older girl grabs her hand and whispers something in Japanese that Chaeyeon doesn’t completely catch, but the look Sakura sends her before she leaves is more than enough for her to guess.

She doesn’t quite notice it at first, but as life would have it, it’s the little things.

It’s the way Sakura’s features suddenly grow hard when she runs into Chaeyeon and some male idol at their La Vie en Rose promotions. It’s the way she seems to stiffen whenever Chaeyeon’s skin accidentally brushes against hers. It’s the way she snaps her eyes away when Chaeyeon catches her staring. It’s the way she always ends up smiling, even when Chaeyeon is relentlessly teasing her in and out of their days together.

She doesn’t quite notice it at first, but it’s always the little things that build up.

“Ladies and gentlemen, we will be landing at Terminal 3 in approximately ten minutes. We hope you’ve had a pleasant flight and that the rest of your travels will be well. Thank you for choosing D**** Airlines.”

Participating in this workshop has blown Chaeyeon’s name up on the internet. Her YouTube clips from the program are hitting the millions- the highest number of views of all the invited participants. She’s gotten contact information and readily exchanges messages with many of the choreographers and dancers she’s met. And now, armed with these newfound contacts, knowledge sources, and friends, she’s heading back to Korea to begin preparation for IZ*ONE’s next comeback.

(A personal invitation to The NY Dance In********. It’s no small feat. She’s elated- even that would be an understatement. All the hustle, all the hours, all the lost sleep and repeated songs- all her hard work is finally reaping the big results she’d aimed for from the start. Her ambitions are finally coming to life. And on the flight back to Korea, she feels the weight of it all now more than ever.)

She’s quick to take her luggage and get through airport security. Soon enough, she’s walking out the door into the reception area where there are already cameras flashing- and it’s not hard to spot her groupmates, sporting wide smiles and waving excitedly amidst the flashes and the dense cloud of news reporters.

“Unnie!”

“Mom!”

“Feather-chan!”

“Lee Chaeyeon, get over here right now! I can’t control them any longer!”

Eunbi’s fake-but-not-really-fake distress brings an unavoidable smile to Chaeyeon’s face as she crosses over to where they’re standing. Yujin is the first to smother her in an infamous ‘big-puppy’ hug, and from then it’s practically a dog pile as Yena crashes into her back and Hyewon’s lean frame all but covers her entire field of vision. She can only resume breathing when Eunbi forcefully pries Yena off of Chaeyeon’s torso.

Chaeyeon smiles gratefully at the older girl. “Thank you.”

Eunbi huffs but rolls her eyes in what Chaeyeon knows to be fond exasperation. “These kids. You have no idea how much I want to clock them in the face sometimes-“

“I’d like to see you try, hag!”

Eunbi whips around. “Do you want an armbar, Choi Yena?!”

The threat is enough to render Yena back into submission. The rest of them laugh, Yena sulks, and just like that their managers are hustling them back into the safety of their van away from the cameras and the screaming fans.

Oddly enough, amidst the chaotic conversation that Eunbi and Yena always manage to stir up, Hyewon leans in closer to Chaeyeon’s left.

“You should stop by the dance studio before heading back.”

Chaeyeon turns to blink at her. “Why?”

“Just because.” Hyewon shrugs.

She says it nonchalantly, but Chaeyeon knows the girl well enough to know that all of Hyewon’s nothings mean something to anyone willing to give her the time of day. She clears and is about to deliver the most weirdly-worded request of the day, but Hyewon cuts in before she can get any words out.

“Hey, can we stop by the dance studio before heading back? Chaeyeon forgot a sweater there before she left- right, Chae?”

Hyewon can be frighteningly quick sometimes. Chaeyeon’s grateful for the darkness that masks her expression as she tries to hop on as best as she can. “Yeah, I’d really like to get it back- I should wash it instead of leaving it there any longer.”

Their managers, to Chaeyeon’s surprise, don’t seem frazzled by the request at all. “Oh, that’s no problem. We were going to head there at some point anyway- Sakura’s in there getting some extra dance practice in.”

That’s news. Chaeyeon blinks. “She is? At this time of the day?”

Hyewon leans against her shoulder in her normal languid fashion. “She said she wanted to brush up on some of her parts in Violeta.”

“What! I wanted to get snacks!” Yena suddenly whines. “The store’s going to close soon!”

“You can go. Why don’t we stop by the convenience store by the dorm? Just drop us off and then you guys can head to the practice rooms- the dorms are on the way anyway.” Hyewon interjects again.

Eunbi nods definitively, obviously relieved at the prospect of avoiding another storm of whines. “That’s a good idea. We’ve got to make sure this one stops complaining before I cut my ears off. Are you alright with that, Chaeyeon?”

Chaeyeon blinks. “I- that’s fine with me.”

“Make sure you hurry back! I miss you unnie!” Yujin grabs at her arm with a wide smile.

Chaeyeon rolls her eyes with a small snicker. “You just want the souvenir you think I’ve brought back for you.”

Yujin grins sheepishly. “N- no! But you did bring something, right unnie?”

Some things never change, and Chaeyeon somehow finds herself grateful for that. “I wouldn’t dare to not. Would I ever hear the end of it?”

The van drops the a cheering Yujin and the other members off at the nearby convenience store, before driving off with Chaeyeon towards their practice building.

Chaeyeon nimbly leaps out the passenger door. “I won’t be long.”

“Take your time. I’ll be here.” Her manager smiles kindly as Chaeyeon quickly ducks into the building. Her feet move like autopilot, pumping her up to their group practice room where she hears the faint sounds of Violeta playing through the walls.

She stops outside the closed door to catch her breath. She’s exhausted; the whole ride from the airport, she’d wanted nothing more than to get back to the dorms so she could properly wash up and knock out for the next three days (jet lag can do that to you). But for some reason, there had been a weird pull in her chest since Hyewon had whispered to her in the car and so she finds herself here. Exhausted, out of breath, and probably out of her mind.

She steels herself, takes a deep breath, and plasters on her best smile before pushing through and flinging the door open. “Aha!”

She watches Sakura leap off the ground mid-dance in sheer shock. She doesn’t give the girl a chance to gather her bearings. “I knew I’d find you here!”

Before she can chicken out, she crosses the room on long legs to wrap her arms tightly around the older girl. Sakura seems too shocked to say anything, so Chaeyeon fills the silence for her. “I missed you, Saku-chan!”

She feels Sakura stiffen at the contact before slowly relaxing and reciprocating the embrace. “I missed you too.”

Chaeyeon bounces around as brightly as her tired body would let her when they release each other. “Are you practicing? So late at night? We’re not even promoting!”

Sakura shrugs weakly. “I felt rusty. You know I’m not good at remembering choreography.”

“You’re getting better though.” Chaeyeon sings lightly. At some point during the conversation, she suddenly finds her plastered grin turning authentic as her cheeky side starts to kick in. “Did you miss me while I was gone?”

She watches Sakura swallow hard. “How did you know where I was?”

“Hyewon unnie mentioned something about Violeta. I took a chance though. You know how she is, unreliable and all.”

She’s glad to see Sakura finally snort back a laugh. “Right.”

It’s late. It’s really late. She can’t help the worried glance she casts in Sakura’s direction. “We should get back to the dorms- you can always practice more tomorrow, okay?”

She cracks a bottle of water open for Sakura before snatching up all Sakura’s belongings into a neatly packed, compact bag. They’re quick to get back to the van, which reaches the dorms in no time.

The moment she sets foot back in the dorm, Wonyoung is hovering by the entrance all ready to jump her (and she really does). Hyewon is lingering around as well, draping herself in her usual nonchalant fashion across Chaeyeon’s body, and the others are quick to clamor into the second dorm to see her once they hear of her arrival.

Amidst Wonyoung’s aegyo, Minju’s animated chattering, Yunjin’s loud commentary, and Eunbi trying to wrangle everyone into submission, Chaeyeon watches Sakura hover around the group unsurely before quietly returning to her room.

(It’s so strange how disappointed she feels because of it.)

“So? What did you want to talk about?”

Jinwoo shifts nervously on his feet. “I- I just wanted to talk to you a little more. Is that weird?”

Chaeyeon tilts her head with that ever-kind smile on her face. “That’s sweet, but you seem like you have something on your mind. Is something bothering you?”

It obviously doesn’t take much to get the truth out of him. The boy blushes a daring shade of red. “A- actually, I wanted to tell you something.”

“Go ahead.” Chaeyeon smiles patiently.

“The- the truth is, I really like you Chaeyeon-shi!”

She’s not sure what she expected, but although it wasn’t quite this, it wasn’t NOT this either. She tries to act flustered. “I- I didn’t know.”

He scratches the back of his nape sheepishly. “I know. I don’t blame you. But, I wanted to ask you on a date.”

She knows what has to happen next. “I’m sorry.”

He looks disappointed. Chaeyeon would be too, she thinks. “Is there anything I can do to change your mind?”

She shakes her head and while she’s sympathetic, she’s not going to risk their whole group’s debut for some boy. Not for him. Not for anyone.

“I’m sorry. There’s just a lot going on right now.”

He finally seems to get it, so he steps back with a sigh and a nod. “I understand. Thank you for hearing me out.”

She watches his slumped shoulders as he walks away. She doesn’t like him- never has, never will- but still, she doesn’t know why the sight leaves her feeling so empty.

There’s something strange in their dynamic after Chaeyeon returns to Korea.

It’s not that they’re avoiding each other or anything like that. She and Sakura are fine. They’re still talking- Sakura still laughs at all her lame little jokes, Chaeyeon still translates on the occasion for her and lays on her bed chatting, Sakura still wakes up early sometimes to help her cook for the others on the days when their schedules start a little later.

But it’s the little things. It’s the weird way Sakura suddenly seems to disappear when Chaeyeon enters a room with the others. It’s the expression she wears when Chaeyeon’s talking to someone like Minju, Chaewon, or even her ex-labelmates. And it’s the focused look in her eyes that hasn’t been there before whenever she regards Chaeyeon.

Chaeyeon might not be the most observant person in the room, but there’s something so inevitably sharp in her mind when it happens to concern Sakura.

“I thought I’d find you out here.”

Chaeyeon’s head whips up at the intruding voice. Sakura is standing in the doorway of the rooftop entrance.

“Wh- what are you doing here?” Chaeyeon curses silently at the slight stutter she makes addressing the older girl. But then again, Sakura’s always had this weird knack for making Chaeyeon just a little more nervous than she should be. Chaeyeon’s never really been able to understand why. She’s not sure she wants to.

Sakura grins at the younger girl. “I’m here to find you, of course.” She replies smoothly as she shuffles over to Chaeyeon’s seated figure on the cold concrete of the rooftop floor. “You weren’t in your room and no one seemed to know where you went. Yujin said you were probably constipated in the bathroom.”

Chaeyeon rolls her eyes at the evil child. “Of course she did.”

Sakura chuckles lightly as she sits down. Her shoulder presses lightly into Chaeyeon’s. Chaeyeon finds herself having trouble looking the older girl in the eye.

“You alright?”

The sudden question has Chayeon looking up at Sakura. “What do you mean? I’m fine.”

Sakura just shrugs nonchalantly. “You’ve just seemed a little bothered recently. I’m not blind, you know.”

“I didn’t say you were-“

“I know. But I just wanted to get that out.”

They’re silent until Chaeyeon breaks. “So, why are you really here?”

Sakura side-eyes her. “I should be asking you that, no? You’re never out here unless you’re thinking about something.”

When Chaeyeon doesn’t respond, Sakura fills the gap for them this time. “Is it about our comeback?”

She can’t help the weird shifting that comes with her response. “I guess I’m a little nervous.”

Sakura nods understandingly. “I get that. I’m a little nervous too. But you did great at the MV filming the other day- you looked super pretty during your solo dance.”

“Only during the dance?”

Sakura chuckles dryly as she bumps Chaeyeon with her shoulder. “You know what I meant.”

Chaeyeon huffs exaggerated as she tosses her hair in faux disapproval. They both laugh a little, and then they lapse into another comfortable pause.

“So- why are you really out here?”

“What do you mean?”

“I know it’s not the comeback. So what is it?”

Chaeyeon doesn’t know what to say. “I don’t know what kind of answer you’re looking for.”

Sakura shrugs. “An honest one, I guess. Were you thinking about someone, maybe?”

Chaeyeon can’t tell if Sakura’s just throwing guesses out there or if she’s actually serious. “Who would I even be thinking about?”

Sakura shrugs from beside her and while her tone remains light, there’s a certain intention laced in her words that finally reveals her true thoughts. “Me, probably.”

Chaeyeon finally properly looks up at her. “What-”

“Don’t play dumb with me this time, Chae. Something’s been a little weird between us ever since you came back from New York and I know you’ve been thinking about it too.”

It’s hard to come up with any response to that. Chaeyeon shrugs as lightly as her heavy shoulders would allow her. “Is it weird to worry about my relationship with you? You’re one of my best friends.”

Sakura, to her surprise, laughs lightly. It’s a beautiful sound. It always has been. “Fair. You’re one of my best friends too. But let’s be honest for a minute- we’re more than that. We’ve been more than that for a really long time now.”

Chaeyeon freezes like she’s caught red-handed. “What are you trying to say?”

“I like you.”

She says it like she’s stating the weather, or stating her favorite food, and it’s that defined nonchalance that has Chaeyeon’s entire figure feeling iced into place.

“What??”

Sakura shrugs, and Chaeyeon watches her carefully. She’s been on the receiving end of many confessions before, but never one like this.

“I said I like you. Did I stutter?”

Minju’s confession held a lot of intention. Jinwoo’s confession held hope and expectations. Everyone else she’s encountered in this kind of situation came up to her with a lot of confidence and a lot of shallow promise, but this- 

“I didn’t know-“

Sakura cuts her off with a disturbingly mild hum. “Really.”

It’s a statement, not a question. Chaeyeon’s mouth unwittingly snaps shut.

Sakura suddenly laughs a little. “Sorry. That came off a little harsh. You can’t blame me for not believing that though- at this point, I think the entire world knows I’m in love with you and I just don’t think you’re so dense to not have caught on.”

It’s a confession, a startling admission, and a confrontation all at the same time. Sakura’s looking at her like she always has- starry-eyed, steady, and supportive- but she’s also creating a space where Chaeyeon can’t run any further and suddenly deflection is no longer an option.

“I- I had a hunch.”

It comes out low, somewhat raspy, and it’s not nearly close to what Chaeyeon had wanted to say. Sakura appraises her quietly.

“I didn’t know for sure. But I had a feeling.”

Sakura snorts. “I would’ve been more concerned if you didn’t, to be honest. I don’t know how much more obvious I could be.”

Chaeyeon stays still, staring at the ground. She doesn’t know what to say.

Sakura suddenly leans forward, running a hand through lengthened locks. She’s never really liked the look that they’ve pushed on her for their most recent promotion since she’s had short hair for so long. Chaeyeon would beg to differ though- Sakura looks beautiful with every hairstyle, but this one particularly does weird things to her heart- but she would never have the guts to say that out loud.

“Can you be honest with me, Chaeyeon?”

She has nowhere else to run- not anymore. She takes a deep breath. Steadies herself on her feet.

“You- you’re a really good friend, unnie. You’re so talented. You’re so beautiful. You’re always there for me, even now.”

Sakura’s standing in front of her like she’s expecting something more. She’s expecting something more, so Chaeyeon delivers.

“But I don’t think I can have that kind of love in my life right now.”

She hates herself for being a coward. She hates herself for the way she can’t ever face her feelings head-on, hates the way she’s slowly let the pressure get to her head, hates that she can’t even look Sakura in the eye right now. She’s about to turn on her heel and flee the scene, but then-

“It’s okay. I know you don’t like me back.”

Chaeyeon’s eyes snap up. “What-“

Sakura’s hands fly up to steady her shoulders before Chaeyeon can properly freak out. “Please don’t run away.”

Chaeyeon feels like she can’t breathe.

“I know you’re busy these days. I know you’ve got a lot of pressure on you, and of all people I know how hard you can be on yourself.”

There’s a soft smile on her face that Chaeyeon, for once in her life, doesn’t understand as Sakura goes on. “I’m not going to ask you out or anything like that. I know you can’t think of anyone as special in that way right now. And I also know that you won’t fall in love with me the way I’ve fallen in love with you. That’s okay.”

“Wh- what do you mean, that’s okay?”

Sakura just smiles, glancing up at the stars and she’s always been the one who's got something that none of the others who have confessed to Chaeyeon have. “I mean, that I won’t be hurt by it. I think I’ve known that about you for a long time- that you’re dealing with other things in your life outside of IZ*ONE, but also that you’d never want to hurt me like that. That’s why I didn’t tell you earlier- because I knew you would turn me down and that you didn’t want to do that.”

There have been very few people who were able to truly see through Chaeyeon but Sakura’s sitting here, reading her like she’s letters on the other side of a glass sheet. “Then why are you telling me now?”

Sakura just shrugs. “I guess it’s selfish, but I saw that something was bothering you and I had a feeling it had to do with the fact that I’ve been a little too obvious in my feelings for you.”

When Chaeyeon doesn’t respond, Sakura moves just a little bit closer, looking at Chaeyeon with concern and care so evident in her gaze as she reaches out to smooth Chayeon’s dark locks away from her face.

“I just want you to know that I love you, but this is enough for now.”

She hates herself for being a coward. Hates herself for all the things inside her that she’s too afraid to face. Hates herself for hiding from all the realities her world had handed her. And hates how her heart cracks at the seams in the face of Sakura and her soft gazes that remain even after all this.

Chaeyeon doesn’t realize that tears are rolling down her cheeks until Sakura reaches out to wipe them away.

“I don’t want this to be messy.” Sakura murmurs as her other hand finds Chaeyeon’s quivering one. “So please, don’t feel sorry for me or for anyone. Focus on yourself- focus on the things you need to get through this, and focus on becoming the version of yourself that you’ve always dreamed of being.”

(For the first time, Chaeyeon sees someone as more than an idol, an image, a perfect moving picture.)

“I think I would give anything to have you.”

It’s nothing more than a broken whisper, but Sakura just hums quietly and smoothes a hand through Chaeyeon’s hair with the same soft expression on her face.

“You have me. You always have me.”

(Chaeyeon doesn’t have the space to love Sakura the way Sakura loves her right now, but God knows she meant what she said about giving anything to have her. She meant it. She meant every single word.)

“Take that!”

“Wh- impossible! You cheater!”

“Don’t be bitter just because I’m better than all of you losers at every game we play-“

“There’s no way that old hag could’ve beat us- she must’ve cheated! Empty your pockets!”

“How dare you accuse me?!”

“Yujin ah, hold her down!”

Chaeyeon faintly hears the screeching through her earbuds as her groupmates inevitably work up another evening of chaos after their extensive dance practice today. She’s a little tired though, choosing to safely retreat to her room instead of risking her luck out there with the energy-eternal sharks. She’s planning on relaxing and sleeping early and everything- but then there’s a knock on her door.

Hyewon is standing in the doorway with an easy grin. “Chaeyeeoonn~”

Chaeyeon manages a tired smile for the older girl. “What’s up?”

“Join our human Jenga game.”

Chaeyeon looks at her dubiously.

“We’re playing in pairs and Sakura unnie’s down a partner because she lost rock paper scissor.”

Chaeyeon rolls her eyes. “And?”

“And we could really use a little extra muscle out there because we’re all getting flattened, but she’s getting flattened by herself. You’re our twelfth member, you know. Gotta even out the odds.”

Chaeyeon can’t help her disbelieving chuckle because only IZ*ONE would find a way to further destroy themselves after an entire week’s worth of cardio packed in a day. Hyewon doesn’t seem to care though- just pulls her out of her bed and gently shoves her towards the living room.

It’s quite a sight. Sakura is screeching, red-faced and unenthused, underneath the panting Yena-Yujin pair and the Eunbi-Nako pair triumphantly on top of the stack.

At the sight of Chaeyeon, Sakura immediately starts screaming. “Don’t just stand there- help me!”

Chaeyeon laughs aloud as she crosses over to where Sakura is getting her lungs pressed out. “I heard you lost rock paper scissor.”

“I lost, okay! I lost and everything and I’m going to do better- so get me out of here already!”

Chaeyeon just laughs and takes Sakura’s arms, tugging her out from underneath the others in one smooth, fluid motion. Yena and Yujin scream as Eunbi and Nako promptly squish them, the new bottom blocks of the tower. Eunbi and Nako look absolutely delighted at their respective nemesis’ adversity.

Sakura grabs her hand, the most determined she’s been all day. “We’re going to crush them.”

Chaeyeon snickers. “You weight less than a hundred pounds, sweetie.”

The glare she receives in return is hilariously withering. “Shut up! Make yourself useful already and help me win this damn thing-“

Chaeyeon promptly finds herself squished on top of Eunbi and Nako and underneath Hyewon and Wonyoung, who is way too delighted to plant her full weight right on top of Chaeyeon. Sakura isn’t faring much better next to her underneath Hyewon’s languid back-sprawl.

Hitomi, Minju, Chaewon, and Yuri suddenly show up as well. “Assa! This is my chance to get back at Eunbi unnie!” Yuri looks delighted- terrifyingly so- as she grabs Hitomi’s arm and launches herself at Eunbi, who falls off the tower with a scream. Nako’s left to fend for herself with the decimation of her partner, although Hitomi is kind enough to just sit on her lightly and chat about their day.

The extra weight of Minju and Chaewon eventually joining the game makes Chaeyeon feel like she’s being pressed in a juicer or something, but one look at Sakura, who is equally flattened beside her, somehow brings the air back in her lungs and puts the smile back on her face, even as Wonyoung miraculously makes it out of the pile and mercilessly topples on top for another round. Eunbi screams for Nako from where she’s fending off Yuri on the ground and Nako pretends like she can’t hear her in favor of chatting with Hitomi. 

And Sakura- Sakura just squeezes Chaeyeon’s hand a tiny bit tighter.