For Now - Lauv

“Staring at your phone like you’re going to eat it isn’t doing anything for your mental health.”

The intruding voice almost makes Sakura’s heart pop out of her chest. She whips around comically, flailing uncoordinated limbs, dropping her phone ungracefully on the desk. Her fumbling hands try hard to switch it off in an attempt to protect its contents from prying eyes.

She finds Nako standing in the doorway staring back at her amusedly. Sakura’s wide eyes give her away, despite all attempts to act normal. She plasters a grin on her features. “Nako!”

The smaller girl stands in front of her with her usual, amused smirk on her pretty face. “Good evening.”

Sakura smiles back at her as innocently as she can. “Good evening.”

They stare at each other for a few more minutes until Nako finally decides to drop the bomb. “So, what were you looking at so depressedly on your phone just now, unnie?”

Sakura clutches the device tighter in her hand proportionally to her nervously tensing jaw. “Nothing.”

Nako doesn’t even blink. “Didn’t look like nothing to me.”

Sakura can’t help the snark that comes out as it usually does during her banters with the younger girl. “Hah. Then what do you think it looks like?”

She immediately wishes she hadn’t. Nako just smirks at her so evilly, and Sakura’s reminded instantly of all the reasons why none of them ever try to pull anything smart with Nako. (Except Eunbi unnie, but she’s kind of an idiot- Sakura generally isn’t surprised anymore, when things happen to go catastrophically wrong for General Kwon.)

“Looks a little bit like Chaeyeon unnie to me.”

Dammit. Sakura forgets that Nako is a bright kid- much, much sharper than she lets on- she can’t help the assumptions though. Given the way the rest of the clowns in IZ*ONE act, it’s hard to remember that some of them- only some of them, though- actually have more than two braincells at a time. She grits her teeth.

“It was nothing! Mind your business!”

Nako laughs a little at Sakura’s defeated expression and shoddy attempt at cover-up. “You asked me a question. All I did was answer it.”

Sakura’s shoulders slump down with her gaze because as usual, Nako is right. “If you’re just here to roast me, save it.”

“Hey now- don't be like that.” Nako chuckles lightly as she comes to sit on the edge of Sakura’s bed. “I know how you feel about her.”

This has Sakura reeling. “What!”

Nako rolls her eyes as she seamlessly switches to speak in Japanese. “Don’t lie. I’ve had a feeling since our Produce days- you’ve always acted differently around her. And I also caught you staring at her picture by yourself just now, so.”

Sakura sputters a little as she tries to defend herself. Nako’s pretty eyes just curve up into amused crescents.

“Lying at this point is useless, Saku-chan. But, you’re welcome to try if it makes you feel any better.”

Sakura slumps down in her seat, large ears burning red at her clear defeat. “Does- does anyone else know?”

Nako shrugs lightly, still with that familiar little smile on her face. "I haven’t said anything. But fair warning, I wouldn’t be surprised if Hii-chan knew.”

“Really??” Sakura glances up warily.

Nako nods thoughtfully. “We’re both on the quieter side- you know how it is, with the language barrier and all. She doesn’t say much in front of the others, but she’s said some questionable things to me on the occasion.”

“About Chaeyeon and I?”

Nako’s pretty eyes glimmer with amusement. “Oh, so there is a Chaeyeon and I.” She’s got the cheekiest grin on her face as Sakura shoots her a withering glare and deftly doges the lanky limb Sakura flails her way.

“I wish.” Sakura mutters saltily, slumping back down. She already knows that there’s no use lying to Nako- Nako always has, and always will be, one step ahead of Sakura in almost every aspect of the word. It’s something Sakura grudgingly admires about the younger girl. Something she wishes she could have for herself.

“Who knows. Maybe Chaeyeon-chan is thinking of you right now too.”

Sakura scoffs. "Hah. Fat chance.”

Her dry response just makes the younger girl giggle. Nako rises to her feet, smoothing out her sweatshirt with perfectly-manicured hands. “Well, maybe you should try and text her instead of just staring at her picture. Wouldn’t a real-time response be so much nicer than a stagnant picture in your super secret fangirl photo album of screenshots?”

“Yah!” Sakura all but screeches, trying to make a grab at Nako, but she finds herself grasping at air as Nako swiftly swings herself out of reach. “How did you know about that?!?”

“Goodnight unnie! Think about it, okay?” Nako makes a cute little ‘ok’ sign paired with a perfectly bright smile as she shows herself out (and avoids answering the question). She shuts the door behind her with a soft ‘click’ and leaves Sakura in all her glasses-clad glory to glower at the wooden slab that stands in Nako’s stead.

Damn Nako and her telepathic abilities. How rude.

(But even though Sakura hates to admit it, Nako probably has a point.)

It’s only been one week since Chaeyeon left for New York, but Sakura’s time as an IZ*ONE member has never felt so bleak.

It’s no big deal, really. Chaeyeon’s just gone away for a dance workshop of sorts. Some hot-shot choreographer had seen her performances online and reached out, inviting Chaeyeon out to New York for two weeks for this workshop/choreographing thingy that Sakura really couldn’t catch all the details of (Chaeyeon had spoken so quickly but she was so excited about it, Sakura really didn’t have the heart to ask her to slow down).

She’ll be back in another week, so it’s really not a big deal. Sakura doesn’t know why she’s feeling like this.

Eunbi passes her limp form on the couch and laughs a little. “Sakura?”

Sakura doesn't move. "Yes?”

“Are you alright?"

“I’m fine unnie. Thank you.”

Eunbi gazes at her curiously, although Sakura can’t see through closed lids. “You don’t look fine. What were you doing just now?”

“I was on my phone." It’s not a lie. She’d been engaging in the same ritual that Nako had caught her doing two nights ago: staring hopelessly at one of her many pictures of Lee Chaeyeon, one of the screenshots in her super secret hidden photo album. Nako says it’s creepy. Sakura insists it's not.

(Sakura knows that Nako is right, as usual- but her inner otaku can’t help it. For some reason, there’s a part of Sakura that has always found it easier to ignore reality than to actually live in it.)

Eunbi stops by the couch to hang her coat up. “You’ve been on your phone a lot lately. What’s so interesting on there that you’re looking at all the time?”

“It was a game. I lost.”

Eunbi purses her lips. “A game, you say?"

“Yeah.”

“That’s interesting. You’re usually gaming on your laptop. A game on your phone this time then?”

“Yeah.”

“I didn’t know they made Chaeyeon into a video game.”

Sakura’s eyes fly open. Eunbi smirks victoriously.

“Aha.”

Dammit. She's really got to stop falling for that. Sakura sighs. “Leave me alone.”

Eunbi can’t help the sympathy that blooms in her chest at the familiar sight of the lovestruck angst that’s painting Sakura’s features. “She’ll be back soon, you know?”

“I know.” Sakura's sudden snap surprises both of them but Eunbi, bless her soul, doesn’t comment on it. “I don't know why I’m like this.”

Eunbi laughs aloud at that. “Isn’t it obvious?’

“No, not really." Sakura’s frown speaks of her clearly dissatisfaction.

“You like her, silly."

“Well- of course I like her.”

“I meant like, like her. We all like her- we love her, to death and back. But maybe not in the same way you do.”

Sakura doesn't know how to answer.

Eunbi hesitates a moment, biting her lip before carefully moving to sit at Sakura’s feet. “Have you talked to her about it?”

“She doesn’t know." Sakura murmurs softly. “I’ve dropped so many hints, but she responds to me the same way she responds to everyone else.”

Eunbi hums softly. She doesn’t sound too surprised. "It’s hard, isn’t it?”

"I mean, what am I supposed to do? Just waltz up to her and be like ‘Hey guess what! I’ve liked you since the day I met you! Not only are you hot, but you’re also super nice and super talented and your smile makes my heart do all sorts of weird things and I want to kiss you right here right now’.”

The frustrated satire still makes Eunbi laugh a little. “I know what you mean. You really had to fall for Chaeyeon, of all people, too.”

Sakura glares at her. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I didn’t mean it like that.” Eunbi quickly amends with a light smile. “It’s just- it’s just that, Chaeyeon is the least emotionally available person in our group, you know?”

Sakura looks up at that.

“I mean, I’m not trying to say she’s a robot or anything- you and I both know she’s gold- but she’s got a lot going on in her life right now, you know? She’s got a lot on her plate. I don’t think she ever thought she would make it into the group, but now that she’s here, there’s suddenly so much more she has to deal with.”

Eunbi has a point. Sakura knows this well enough. Between suddenly winning Produce, being into a whirlwind of promotions and MV shootings, dealing with the newness of eleven other new group members, living up to the public’s expectations of the group’s best dancer, and balancing her personal life on top of all that-

Sakura’s not surprised that Chaeyeon might be tired. And she supposes that she’s not really surprised that Chaeyeon might be a little bit on the preoccupied side.

Eunbi looks at her sympathetically. “I just don’t know has much space Chaeyeon has in her heart right now for the kind of love you want to have with her.”

She has a point and Sakura can’t help but hate that she does.

Really, it could've been anyone. It could’ve been Yena, Minju, Wonyoung, Hyewon. It could’ve been Nako, Yujin, Chaewon, Eunbi- really, it could’ve been anyone.

But Sakura knows deep down that it couldn’t. She knows it couldn’t- she’s known it since the day Chaeyeon so gently entered her life and turned her chaos into order again. Gave her clarity in a world of flashing lights, hurried choreography, foreign languages and foreign customs. Maybe that’s why Sakura fell for her to begin with- but Sakura knows it’s a little bit more than that (and more than the sheer physical attractiveness that is Lee Chaeyeon is as well). There’s just something about Chaeyeon that’s absolutely magnetic: her mature aura, her cheeky smiles, her western-unnie vibes and just the air she carries herself with, that somehow stays so grounded despite all the things that she is.

It looks like Chaeyeon’s having a great time. Sakura scrolls enviously through their big group chat. Chaeyeon hasn’t actually said anything much during her time away, but at least she’s made good on her promise to send plenty of pictures. Eunbi squeals each time she sees a prominent figure in the dance world appear in one of Chaeyeon’s pictures, gushing about how lucky is Chaeyeon is. Minju’s eyes fly wide open more often than not, brows scrunching together (in horror, shock, awe- no one’s really sure at this point but either way, it’s hilarious) every time she watches clips of Chaeyeon’s newly-created choreographies. Wonyoung and Yujin comment loudly about how jealous they are and how pretty their Chaeyeon unnie is. Nako just looks on quietly but strong pride evident in her eyes. Chaewon always looks like she’s in love when she watches Chaeyeon’s videos. And Sakura-

Sakura thinks that Chaeyeon deserves everything she’s getting and so, so much more.

She gets a text really late one night a couple of days later.

Sakura rolls over blearily in her bed, hissing quietly at the harsh light that strikes her sleepy eyes. She’s aggravated at the noise that pierces through the peaceful night. Her fault for not turning her ringer off earlier, she knows (because Hitomi always tells her so and like Nako, Hitomi’s right more often than not)- but still.

Sakura squints fiercely at the screen as she tries her best to dim its brightness.

Chaeyeon: Hey :)

She blinks some more. Doesn’t know what to say.

“Just text her you idiot!” Nako’s words ring through her mind.

Sakura: Hi

She curses herself the moment she hits ‘send’. It’s so dry. Not even an emoji, an exclamation point. Just a dry, simple, bland- “hi”.

She’s left to wonder just how unimpressed Chaeyeon will be at such a lackluster response, but then her phone goes off again (vibrates this time. Work smarter, not harder). She almost drops her phone on the floor in her haste.

Chaeyeon: You're still up ?? :O

It’s cute. Sakura can practically imagine the exaggerated expression on Chaeyeon’s pretty features, a sight she’s all too familiar with as Chaeyeon teases her in and out of their days together. It’s times like this when she’s really glad that no one’s around to see her growing heart eyes glued to her phone screen (of all things) as she quickly types back.

Sakura: Yeah. I was playing some games again

A total lie, but she knows well how badly Chaeyeon would take it if she knew the real reason Sakura was still conscious at this hour.

Chaeyeon: you should get some sleep! I forgot about the time difference when I text you- I’m really sorry! :((((

She knew there'd be some sort of feedback like this- just Chaeyeon being the angel she is, unnecessarily apologetic for things Sakura (or anyone else, for that matter) could never be mad at her for. A total sweetheart. Sakura rolls her eyes fondly as she sends her quick reply.

Sakura: I’m surprised to hear from you though. Aren’t you busy?

Chaeyeon: ahh, did it come off like that? I’m really sorry for not contacting you all more often :((( I’m plenty busy over here, but I’m having a lot of fun!

Chaeyeon: i'll tell you about it soon though- it’s late over there! Get some sleep, missy or i’ll be mad >:(

Sakura tries to ignore the pang in her heart as she sees the little green status dot next to Chaeyeon’s name promptly disappear.

She sleeps that night. Deep and undisturbed, dark and quiet with no dreams.

(She hates the feeling that still flutters in her chest upon seeing simply seeing the sender name and she hates that this is the effect that Chaeyeon is starting to have on her.)

“It’s no use."

Sakura looks up from her computer screen. Minju is standing in her doorway, staring at her with loosely crossed arms. 

“Minju?” Sakura's surprised to see the girl standing there. She’d assumed that Minju would’ve gone out by now.

“It’s no use." The younger girl repeats herself, taking this as an invitation inside. She shuts the door behind her.

Sakura senses she should probably pay attention so she pauses the game. “What are you talking about-“

“You’re in love with Chaeyeon unnie. It’s written on your whole face.” Minju is blunt, seating herself directly across from Sakura. Sakura feels her face flush.

“What are you talking about?!?”

Minju shakes her head. “Don’t freak out unnie, I didn’t tell anyone else. I just- I just knew it. That you like her, I mean.”

“How?!?”

“Because I was in the same position as you literally six months ago.”

Shocked is actually a bit of- of an overstatement. Sakura blinks. “Why do I feel like I knew that?”

“Because I’m pretty sure every other person in this group figured it out except for Chaeyeon unnie herself.” Minju smiles softly. There’s a strangely faraway look in her eyes. Sakura feels something inside of her pinch a little.

“You just said you didn’t tell anyone else!”

“That doesn’t mean they can’t figure it out for themselves.”

“What are you getting at here?”

Minju refocuses herself and looks at Sakura with an expression that’s lingering somewhere between pity and envy. “I’m just saying that Chaeyeon unnie probably isn’t looking for anything right now.”

Huh. Funny- she recalls having a very similar conversation with Eunbi unnie just a couple nights ago. It doesn’t lessen the sting though- especially since the words are coming from Kim Minju (pretty, tall, smart, center-superstar Minju. Sakura’s not sure where all her sudden insecurities are coming from.)

“There’s no way someone as smart as Chaeyeon unnie could’ve possibly missed all the signs- I was pretty much totally in love with her by the time Produce ended. And honestly- even though I might be wrong- I think we both knew it. She just pretended not to and I guess that was ultimately just her way of letting me down, without making me actually come out and say it.”

Sakura swallows. "Are you angry with her for it?”

To her surprise, Minju laughs lightly. “I was- upset, I guess, is the better word. I was never angry though. I should’ve seen it coming- I did see it coming. But I also chose to ignore it.”

Sakura must look pretty defeated, because Minju reaches over to pat her shoulder reassuringly. “Look, I’m over it. She clearly wasn’t interested, and I shot my fair shot. We’re just good friends now and I’m pretty sure I’m over her at this point.”

“I don’t know why you're telling me all of this.” Sakura bites, suddenly unable to help the bitterness that tinges her tone. It’s enough to know that her chances with Chaeyeon were pretty much zero to begin with, but now she knows that Chaeyeon turned down Kim Minju of all people. Gorgeous, charming, model-esque Minju? If not Minju, then who?

Minju just chuckles a little and gets to her feet. “A weird part of me envies you, Sakura unnie. I’ve never seen Chaeyeon look at me- or anyone else, for that matter- the way she looks at you.”

Sakura’s not quite sure what that means. Minju seems done with explaining herself though, so she just pats Sakura’s shoulder again on her way out.

“Think about it some, okay?”

It’s 11pm on a Friday night and Sakura really doesn’t know what she’s doing here.

Chaeyeon was supposed to be back a couple of hours ago, but Sakura had denied going to the airport with the others to pick her up in favor of getting in some extra dance practice. Wonyoung had pouted at her and Eunbi had just given her that look (she’s always known, always more than she should), but none of them questioned her and just let her be. She did briefly catch Yujin asking Nako if everything was alright between them, but Nako (bless her heart, really) had smiled warmly and assured Yujin that everything was fine, that Sakura had felt like she was slacking lately and wanted to make up for it.

She’s grateful to her fellow countrywoman. Nako had lied many times for her, had made up countless excuses for her with a smile and for nothing but the sake of Sakura’s pride. A true friend.

“Aha!”

Sakura jumps up in surprise as the door to her practice room suddenly flies open with a bang. Lee Chaeyeon is standing in the doorway with a victorious grin, donning leggings, sneakers, and an oversized dark blue hoodie.

“I knew I’d find you here!”

Sakura barely has time to react when Chaeyeon’s crossing the space between them, arms wrapping tightly around Sakura in a familiar hug. Her warmth is intoxicating, her musky, fresh perfume so familiar. Sakura can’t breathe.

“I missed you, Saku-chan!” Chaeyeon says in a teasing tone, light and playful as she always is. Sakura tries her best to smile back.

“I missed you too."

Chaeyeon doesn't seem to notice anything off with her as she continues bouncing around. “Are you practicing? So late at night? We’re not even promoting!”

Sakura shrugs weakly. "I felt rusty. You know I’m not good at remembering choreography.”

“You’re getting better though.” Chaeyeon sings lightly. Her wide grin never leaves her features. “Did you miss me while I was gone?”

Sakura swallows. You have no idea. “How did you know where I was?”

“Hyewon unnie mentioned something about Violeta. I took a chance though. You know how she is, unreliable and all.”

Sakura snorts back a laugh at the mention of (one of) their resident clown. “Right.”

Chaeyeon glances at the clock on the wall before returning her worried gaze to Sakura. “It’s late. We should get back- you can always practice more tomorrow, okay?”

Sakura lets herself be dragged around the room by the younger girl, who promptly proceeds to crack a bottle of water open for her and collect her things in a neat, compact bag. The fact that Chaeyeon came all the way out here to see her does something to her heart- but the moment they step through the doorway of their dorms, the kids are running back out, all bright-eyed and eager for Chaeyeon’s attention that she so willingly gives without a second thought.

Sakura watches them talking animatedly, Wonyoung’s aegyo on full display, Hyewon lazily draping herself over steady shoulders, and Chaeyeon herself just smiling so brightly at their innocent expressions.

You’re always here. But you’re never here just for me.

She knows that Eunbi is right.

She might not appear the brightest among them, but she’s observant when Chaeyeon is involved. The younger girl receives confessions left and right- something Sakura quickly discovered when they started promoting together as IZ*ONE. The first time she remembers is during their La Vie en Rose promotions, when she’d gone looking for Chaeyeon and couldn’t find her with any of the other members. But even still, Sakura’s never seen her messaging anyone, calling anyone special. She’s never seen Chaeyeon indicate any sort of romantic interest towards anyone, despite all the glamorous people approaching her at all times from all sides, and she’s never heard Chaeyeon mention anyone who might be particularly special in that regard.

She knows that Eunbi is right. Chaeyeon has other things on her mind right now. She’s busy honing her skills, busy sharpening her dance. Busy making a name for herself that’ll carry her forward when IZ*ONE inevitably has to end. Busy proving to the world that she’s Lee Chaeyeon, capable of everything they want to see in a dancer and artist and more. And, busy finding herself in the midst of the chaos surrounding her where she- unlike Sakura- doesn’t have anyone else to bring her out of it.

Chaeyeon is so close to her, yet she’s never felt further away.

Sakura can only accept it. She quietly accepts the fact that Chaeyeon is someone- well, someone special. Someone who’s capable of a lot of big things, someone who’s driven to work hard and achieve everything she wants to achieve. Someone who’s surprisingly quiet by nature, unlike most of the members of their family, who has more thoughts than any of them could ever know. Someone who has so much laying out in front of her, if only she’d reach out to take it. Someone who just doesn’t have the space in her heart right now for the kind of love that Sakura wants to have with her.

Nako calls it hopeless pining. Eunbi unnie calls it a tragedy. And Sakura- Sakura doesn’t know what she calls it. 

“Kkura? You in there?"

Chaeyeon’s head is poking through her door with a small, cute, hesitant grin. Sakura looks up from her desk. “Hm?”

“Hi.” Chaeyeon smiles at her sheepishly. “I just wanted to let you know that Minju and I are going to watch a movie soon. Do you want to join?”

Sakura hesitates as she weighs her options (it’s too bad that she misses Chaeyeon biting her lip anxiously, misses the hopeful look in Chaeyeon’s eyes). “I- I’ll join you soon.”

Chaeyeon looks guilty for some reason when Sakura pauses. “Are you busy? Are you tired? Oh my gosh- I’m sorry. I don’t want you to feel obligated!”

Sakura takes it upon herself to cut the rambling off with a soft laugh. Chaeyeon’s eyes snap back up to meet hers.

“It’s nothing like that, stop worrying. I just have something I want to wrap up real quick before I join you guys.”

Chaeyeon blushes. She's clearly been caught off-composure. “Oh. Oh! Of course, I’m sorry- I’ll just leave you to it then. Sorry to disturb.” She rambles again, obviously a little flustered as she ducks out of Sakura’s room. Sakura chuckles lightly at the sight. Chaeyeon’s so cute.

(Maybe Chaeyeon doesn't have the space to love the way Sakura wants her to right now, but Sakura figures that that’s alright- after all, she’d rather have Chaeyeon in this way for now than nothing at all.)