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Jeonghan’s life right now is like coffee: Bitter. Sometimes sweet, varied with different added flavors, it could be cold, it could be warm but coffee will always be coffee. There is always an after taste of bitterness no matter how hard one would try to mask it.

 

Today was day… day, what? He doesn’t remember. He’s lost count but it really had been a long time since...

 

Jeonghan peeled his blanket off himself slowly, groaning under his breath. His head was pounding and his entire body felt heavy. He didn’t want to move at all. But, this definitely wasn’t the first time he felt this way. So just like all the other times before, he forced himself to get up.

 

His insomnia was just killing him really. It was taking its toll on his body and mind. He felt like a hollow shell these days… Or has it been weeks? Months, maybe? However long, He has allowed the waves of life to push and pull him to place, doing so much as nothing to turn things around.

 

It was probably the coffee. Ten cups a day is not a joke after all.  Two cups in the morning, another two in the afternoon and five come evening. And one more… the very first, his first cup of coffee, the first that he was trying to forget,  the first that no matter how hard he tried to give up, he just couldn’t. He couldn’t live a day without it.

 

And so he simply went about with his sluggish morning routine, showering as quickly as he could, barely eating anything then chugging down two cups of morning coffee before he was off to work. By the time he was in the office, he was pumping with energy. He was wide awake and functioning well enough for people not to worry so much about him.

 

When the afternoon came, his spirits would plummet fast and he’s in need of coffee again. Beyond exhausted but refusing to let anyone notice, he quickly whipped himself up another two cups of coffee. He took in a deep, deep breath and exhaled slowly through his mouth, the hint of a coffee scent hitting his nose as he did so.

 

Gradually, his heart started to beat faster and adrenaline took over him once again. There we go. He was back on track.    

 

In the evening, the dreaded time of darkness and cold, a time where he felt the most lonely and most vulnerable, he would hurriedly go back home. It was his sanctuary, a place where he felt the safest and most comfortable but the thing is… it wasn’t just his. Once before, it was hers too and he’s reminded of it every single day.

 

In almost every nook and cranny, everywhere he turned; there was a trace of her there. Be it as small as a bobby pin on the bathroom sink or as big as her pillow that he hasn’t washed because it still faintly smelled like her. Whatever, wherever it was in his house, she was there.

 

If he was being completely honest, he could almost see her sometimes, feel her there beside him but he knew it was just in his head, an aftermath of missing someone way too much. It was time like that when he would eventually find himself pausing, staring into nothing until his eyes would sting and his nose would prickle.

 

His lips would visibly tremble and so he’d go to his kitchen to cook, hiding his tears behind an excuse that it was the onions he was cutting up or the steam coming from his stew getting into his eyes. He would eat in utter silence, his chest in a constant ache until he could have his coffee again.

 

He’d brew the bitter drink perfect for exactly five cups because he would always leave the last one to her, his first of firsts, his first who he shared many first times with. His first cup of intoxicating coffee, his coffee. His coffee because she kept him awake all night, because he would make his heart go haywire in his ribcage.

 

From the day he had first met her, to the day he realized he had feelings for her, to the day he confessed, to the day they became a couple and to the day they broke up… She has kept him awake. She’s like a life time supply of caffeine. She is still keeping him awake to this very day, to this very moment. He just can’t seem to ing move on from her.

 

What is it about her anyway? Was she some sort of anti-sleep serum or a drug? Why can’t she let him fall asleep? The more he thought about it, lying awake in his bed and staring at the ceiling after god knows low long after silent cries and whimpers, the more he realized that maybe he was wrong. Maybe she was none of that. Maybe she’s not the personification of coffee.

 

Maybe this is just love… Maybe he just loves her. So much and too much.

 

 

Jeonghan forced his eyelids to open but they were swollen and he can barely see through them. Last night… was really one of the worst nights he’s been through since she left. Not only was he unable to sleep but he also cried so much his body felt all dried up. A groan escaped from his chapped lips, his head throbbing both from lack of sleep and from his all his crying.

 

He forced himself to get up like all the other days but the moment he was on his feet, he wobbled and nearly fell back down. “Coffee…” he murmured in his hoarse voice as he made his way out of his room and into the kitchen.

 

The cycle continued until he got off from work and barely made it home. His head was aching, his heart was, his entire body but none of that will stop him from getting his coffee today. Most especially his favorite one.

 

With shaky hands, he poured himself the fifth cup. His tears blurred his vision way too much that he over estimated. His coffee was overflowing from the cup and was dripping down to the floor. Cursing, Jeonghan stopped and carelessly set the carafe down on the counter.

 

He reached for a paper towel to clean the mess up but he ended up knocking down the carafe in his haste. “No! , !” His tears fell even harder and he felt as though he couldn’t breathe. He stared at the coffee on the floor and the shards of broken glass.

 

His legs lost strength all of a sudden and he just sank down to the ground, sobbing pitifully into his hands. His coffee, it’s all gone to waste. His coffee, she’s gone. She’s like a drug he was overdosed with. She made him go insane, completely out of control. And now, without her, his favorite coffee and sweetest drug, he was having a horrible withdrawal syndrome.

 

He still can’t stop thinking about her. He’s trying to forget. God knows he is but how? ing, how? That night, Jeonghan lied down on his bed, hugging her pillow to his aching chest and looking up at the ceiling. His tears wouldn’t stop streaming down the sides of his face but he’s quiet, unlike a few minutes ago. He’s just thinking.

 

She is his coffee, his favorite one.

She is his coffee, his favorite one.

She is his coffee, his favorite one.

 

“Jeonghan, she was your coffee,” a small voice inside his head said to him. Was… it’s definitely in the past tense. His thoughts only made him shut his eyes tight, squeezing out even more of his tears. He whimpered into her pillow that was starting to lose the scent of her on it. She was his coffee. She isn’t and shouldn’t be anymore.

 

One day

Two days

Three…

 

Three days. It took him three more days to wallow in his pain, to finally, ultimately come to terms with acceptance. With the slightest bit of ache present in his heart, he got up from his bed one night and took pillow case off her pillow. He shoved it into the wash before proceeding to throw her bobby pin away. Anything and everything that reminded him of her, he threw away.

 

His coffee maker with a missing carafe and all the packs of different types of coffee sitting in the cupboards were tossed in the trash too. That night, Jeonghan didn’t cry anymore. He didn’t hesitate. That night, for the first time in a long time, his chest felt lighter. He felt like he could breathe better. That night, Jeonghan moved to another bed and actually fell asleep.

 

When he woke up the next morning, he didn’t drink coffee anymore. The first of firsts, his first cup of coffee was now his last.