I count the minutes, hours and days that I have spent away from all of the ruckus that invaded my life a few weeks later and feel empty. It’s a strange feeling: this emptiness. I have always been a visitor when it comes to this feeling, since it was a part of me for my whole life. But when Chanyeol and his friends have become a part of my tirelessly opaque life; they gave sense to it. However, now I’m entrapped in the same whiteness that has always encompassed my heart. 

I have been distancing myself from them lately after what happened with Chanyeol and I. It just felt right to be away from them, both mentally and physically, when they’re Chanyeol’s friends. It doesn’t matter whether they are now my friends as well or not. All that mattered is I’ve been trying to return back to the colorless life that I have had before meeting Chanyeol, and at the end, it’s turning out to be a good decision.

None of them — Chanyeol and his friends — have came to check where I was or what’s happening to me. I guess Chanyeol either filled them in to what happened or he simply told them to stay away. Knowing him, he probably chose the latter. He wouldn’t want anyone to know anything that involved him.

My days became matterless, like they used to be. At a time I’d have waited for Chanyeol to come to class and indulge him in one of his silly conversations, but now I just sit in my place and tend to my work. I didn’t think that my previous style of life has been this bleary; I have always given myself things to do so that I don’t waste time and always treated myself fairly. But now things that once indulged me felt heavy on my chest, almost monotonous  and dull. I never thought that if I returned to be the person that I used to be without Chanyeol’s intervening; I’d easily fall back into my track. But that proved to be difficult. Some say that once you know something, you’re never able to conceal it back. This is what’s happening to me. I’ve been exposed to the world and now I can’t live my life blind anymore.

A part of me is a little upset that Chanyeol and his friends have let me be. A part of me, which is a part I didn’t want to admit of its existence; keened from within, hoping that I am more than what I was in their hearts; that they genuinely liked me and wanted me to be their friend. But considering how none of them came to see what’s my space afar is all about, I guessed that I wasn’t that important after all. The realizations stung, and made me feel more inclined to my avoidance.

Food at the cafeteria was spend alone. I’d gather my tray, pass by their table — it’s smack in the middle of the large abode — and walk to the furthest table away that I can reach; sitting alone and pretending I’m either invisible, or infectious. It works good for both the students and I. We both pretend we’re in a loathsome relationship with each other. Calm like this would have usually made me relieved; but now I couldn’t help but feel vacant.  

I poke my food with my chopsticks, my appetite gone just like it had been severely burned away the past couple of days. My food looks as appetizing as school food is, and I’m hungry; I really am, but I feel nothing else that urges me to eat, so I just sit there and eat nothing. 

A tray all so suddenly slides across me on the table, and a body sits himself so casually next. I snap my head from my daydreams and look up at the boy so easily making himself known, and my eyes widen when I see Kyungsoo. He’s not staring back at me, and is eating his food silently.

“What are you doing?” I ask, more of surprise at being joined in the table rather than anything. Kyungsoo had been one of the boys that I haven’t seen around in school after Chanyeol an I’s fight, but to be honest, I wasn’t really looking for him. It did strike me as something bad when he didn’t come to search for me all these days and asking where I had gone, but I forgave him soon because I realized that it was no one’s fault I had gone away besides it being mine. 

“What am I doing?” He raises his head to give me a hard stare, clearly looking angry enough that his tone is dropped a few octaves lower. “Silly, I’d have asked the same.”

I’m in no mood for this, and I usually don’t tolerate it when people talk to me in resentment, whether I deserved it or not. “Why are you sitting here?”

“It’s like we’re suddenly not friends or anything,” he’s smirking but there’s obvious hurt and annoyance behind his stare. I’m surprised I’ve been able to detect his emotions behind his steal mask. Maybe because he wants me to read him, and he’s making sure I see how much annoyance he’s feeling regarding me right now. “I’m sure you’d like that, given how many times you’ve been avoiding us. Or ignoring us is a better term to use.”

“I wasn’t ignoring you,” my face explodes with color, cheeks going extremely red by my budding embarrassment. I stare down at my food so that I don’t get electrocuted by his burning stare. “.. or anyone.”

“Right,” he says sarcastically, waving his chopsticks around. “You just suddenly withdrew yourself from our circle and decided to go back to your life of solitude, because that’s so much fun.”

I don’t appreciate the way he’s making fun of me, whether he’s upset with me or not. Respect is important to me and I haven’t said anything to him that upset him; so why’s he acting this way? 

I slam my chopsticks down on the table and glower at him. “You don’t know anything about me.”

“You’re right, I don’t,” he answers easily, staring back at me and never afraid of meeting my stare right on. “Would you mind telling me then? Why did you suddenly take a few steps back? Are we so terrifying?”

“I don’t have an answe—“

“Or is this because of Chanyeol?” He interrupts my stupid reply casually, raising one of his bushy eyebrows up. He looks scary when he speaks calmly and there’s no expression on his face. I never thought I’d ever see diligent number one Kyungsoo look so terrifying. “What happened between you two? He’s been awfully on edge the past few weeks, and seeing how you’re reacting all so suddenly made me think it’s something that has to do with you.”

“I have no answer.” I insist again. I’m not saying this because I really have no answer, rather the answer is complicated and whether I was able to articulate it into good sentences or not — which I’m not able to make to begin with — I’m not sure Kyungsoo would even like. The matter was something that revolved around Chanyeol and I solely. Others had no business to interfere with it or know about it. I know saying this to Kyungsoo would only make him angrier, and seeing his anger episodes now; I decided I didn’t want to flare him more.

“You’re actually kind of a coward, aren’t you?” Kyungsoo says casually and in no way caring about my feelings; shrugging his narrow shoulders when my mouth fall open in ridicule. 

“Excuse me?”

“C’mon, don’t be like this,” he finally sighs, breaking out of his angry momentum. It seems he realizes that being so angry would only light my own anger up, and that’s not something that would go well knowing the kind of personality I possess. I feel a little like a baby throwing a tantrum when he softens his eyes and softens his voice so not to trigger me. “Whatever happened between you and Chanyeol, avoidance isn’t going to help it. I thought you’re the smartest person in this school; heck, the smartest person I ever know, but you’re acting like a total fool right now.”

“I don’t exactly appreciate you calling me names.” I say quietly, staring at him with hard eyes. 

“You’re Yuji,” Kyungsoo says this as if it’s supposed to mean something being me. He stares at me and his eyes are wide, expressive. “You’re practically invincible. Everyone in here thinks so highly of you. So why are you doing this? What happened between the two of you?”

“What happened is that I was an idiot,” I tell him, my fist on the table turning white with how harshly I’m squeezing my fingers. I don’t want to tell him what I’m about to tell him but I know Kyungsoo won’t go away without a clear understanding of why I’m distancing myself from them. “You’re right, I’m just an ordinary, foolish person. I thought the times I spent with Chanyeol would mean something more than what they were, and I admit that it was immature of me to think this way because I know who I am, and I know people like Park Chanyeol, too. But I still fell for it, okay? For his games. It shouldn’t have happened if I was more prepared. I admit,” I pause for a bit to take an intake of breath to regulate my beating heartbeats. “I gave him credit for things he didn’t owe me, and it’s my fault that I expected retribution from him. Won’t happen again.”

I’m ashamed of my little outburst and I look down at my now soggy food so I avoid Kyungsoo’s probing eyes. There are still a lot inside of me from where that came from, but everything else feels a little private to share with Kyungsoo, who even if he said I’m his friend, still believe we’re not in a level where I’d easily tell him what’s going on inside of me. I admit that Chanyeol had made me feel a lot of things, and I admit that in a point of time; those things were mostly sweet. Now, the sweetness of all of his actions had turned bitter like the taste of black, dark coffee in a gloomy morning. There’s a cloud that’s hanging around my head, raining thoughts and bitterness over my whole being. How can someone explain that they’ve been so emotionally empty in their life that a sparkle like Chanyeol’s existence terrifies the out of them? Would Kyungsoo even understand my reluctance?

“What did he do?” He asks, skimming over most of my words so easily I wonder where he got such a strength from.

“I believe you should ask him that,” I say bitterly. “He’s your friend after all.”

Kyungsoo drops his chopsticks and groans, stretching his back and throwing his arms over his head, his face screwed up in sheer irritation. “You guys are two of the most stubborn people I ever had the misfortune of meeting. He doesn’t want to tell me and neither do you. Are you seriously going to throw your friendship with him just like that?”

I give him a glare, trying not to grimace. “You’re an idiot if you believe we had anything going on between us that was even remotely close to friendship.”

“You’re right,” Kyungsoo picks up his chopsticks again and goes to eat his food. “It was more than that.”

My eyes widen. “What?”

“I’m not dumb,” he rolls his eyes, still collecting food into his chopsticks and shoving it down his throat. I don’t know if he’s avoiding my eyes or he’s just really hungry all of a sudden. “I recognize the way he looked at you; still looks at you. It’s the same way you look at him.”

I’m tongue-tied at first, having not predicted Kyungsoo would outrightly say this when he doesn’t even seem to be the kind that would observe these things; but then I shake my head, something akin to helplessness in the gesture. I poke my chopsticks against my blobs of food, circling the wooden chips around and trying to catch my scattered thoughts. 

“It doesn’t matter now.” I say softly. It truly doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter how he looks at me and it doesn’t matter how I look at him, either. Things began and then t