Unedited 

I’ll edit it when I’m in the mood :(

The first thing that really catches my eyes when I step foot into school today is not what I think it would be.

I had been very nervous to meet Park Chanyeol at school. The image of our kiss had been haunting me the night before, and even though I was drunk and everything was tilting, I still couldn’t fall asleep as soon as my head fell on my pillow. Why? Simple, because I was thinking of him, thinking of his kiss, thinking of his flexed body, of his bronze eyes, of his plump lips full with possibilities of a good night end. There had been a lot of thoughts about Chanyeol that circulated my mind that night, and there was still a lot of thoughts about Chanyeol when I woke up this morning.

I’m nothing but an insecure, inexperienced little bumbling bee when it comes to the matter of heart, so I’m not sure if thinking about someone all of the time is something to be considered normal or not. But seeing his face in my head forced me to think about it in a positive way. Seeing his sculpted cranes of his everything and the diluted shape of his eyes; the rosy smell of his lips so near me and all of his parts made me feel giddy, like I’m nothing but a small child that’s feeling foreign feelings for the first time and yet still feels as if they’re lighting up a familiar fire within my encased heartbeats at the same time.

Chanyeol makes me feel things. He makes me feel things for boys that I haven’t ever felt before. The way he walks makes me want to pace next to him, no matter how large his footsteps are compared to my little legs. The way he talks, all sarcastic and driven, wants me to show him the shy part that I always knew I kept sealing in this farce of mine to be brave. The way his lips would curl sideways into his usual menacing but gentle smile makes me want to kiss him. Everything about him makes me feel as if there’s a torched fire within me that’s never going to be doused away.

The kiss he gave me yesterday makes me think that some of what he makes me feel is reciprocated; in the littlest of forms, so imagine my surprise when I step inside the school, feeling so immensely anticipant, only for my emotions to burn away when I see him leaning against some random girl just a few steps away, whispering sweet nothingness into her ear and making her pull all of the faces that I once did when I had been in his presence at him, cheeks flushed and lips parted in awe.

I purse my lips into a tight line.

-

At lunch break, I’m finding it awkward to sit amongst a group where the person who had invited me to it is nowhere to be seen. I look around me in the cafeteria so that I don’t meet eyes with the wandering, fleeting eyes of everyone else sitting between me, curling my lips into a purse.

I know that without Chanyeol’s presence around, I’m not exactly considered welcome between them. But the fact that I’ve been coming to sit in their table for the past few weeks made it grow into a habit, and this habit of mine made my legs walk towards their table right away. A part of me also considered Chanyeol’s existence, but I’ve been given nothing but disappointment because Chanyeol doesn’t show up at all.

I clear my throat and the eyes that has been staring at me look away. I focus my eyes at the empty seat next to me, where Chanyeol usually sits at, and awkward scratches my cheek. “Where’s Chanyeol?” I ask, just for the heck of asking, as I’m aware that the answer delivered might not be to my amusement.

“I dunno,” Areum, who’s pouting and looking around as if suddenly the boy would pop up and wave at her, says, her tone resembling the tone of a whining baby. “He has been gone the whole day.”

“I’ve seen him here and there,” Kyungsoo, who’s sitting on my other side, answers casually, scooping a spoonful of soup in his spork and pushing it past his lips. “I think he’s busy about something.”

Yeah, girls. I think with another purse to my lips.

“What do you think he’s doing?” I ask again while looking around, hoping that such gesture won’t notify Kyungsoo with my aching nervousness.

Honestly, half of me doesn’t want to partake in such conversation, knowing that the answers won’t appeal to me. But another part of me; the part that’s still childish and isn’t wishing to mature yet, wants to genuinely know about the whereabouts of Chanyeol, even though I’m burning from within at the thought of him wandering the halls searching for a new victim to fondle, or do whatever he does with the girls he hooks up with. I stab my food with my chopsticks, lips shifting into a scowl so hard my face might as well freeze at such expression.

“I have no idea,” Kyungsoo chews his food and turns his wide eyes from his plate to give me a curious look, wondering why I’m so interested in Chanyeol when there’s nothing to wonder about. What did he think I’d do, anyway? Sit around the awkward atmosphere and pretend Chanyeol’s disappearance is normal? I’m not that good at acting. “The few times I saw him, he was.. strangely radiant. Almost happy.” Kyungsoo finishes lamely.

“Happy?” I squint my eyes at him. What is there to be happy about? I try to think about the Chanyeol that I caught whispering nothingness into a girl’s ears first thing in the morning. He had been lazily hovering over her, harboring his usual smirk. There wasn’t anything in him that was beyond his usual self; there wasn’t anything that screamed about his radiant happiness in overall. Is Kyungsoo seeing stuff?

Kyungsoo hums. “I think something good happened to him.”

The answer makes me slump my shoulders inward, until I hide most of my upper body against the table. Something good happened to him? I don’t know about that. I’ve spend the rest of the day yesterday with him, and besides the kiss, nothing compelling of happiness had happened. Did something happen today’s morning? Is that what made him go flounder around girls’s skirts and squirm around with them? I have no idea. From the small amount that I’ve caught a glimpse of Chanyeol, I truly didn’t catch anything so joyful in his expressions in the way Kyungsoo’s explaining, and knowing Chanyeol, I know that whatever Kyungsoo said is considered strange of him.

I don’t know what to think.

“C’mon,” Kyungsoo nudges my shoulder with his when he sees me like this, so silent and trying to escape my own skin. “Don’t be such a grumpy cat. Remove that pout. He’ll be here any time soon. You’re amongst friends now so you shouldn’t feel entirely off.”

I stare at Kyungsoo as if he’s insane. “I don’t pout.”

He smirks. “Sure you don’t.”

Even though I stayed through the entire period of lunch break sitting with Kyungsoo and his friends; Chanyeol still doesn’t come. He doesn’t even bother show up to pick a tray of food. He just.. doesn’t appear, and I wonder if he’s ignoring his friends as well. I shake the thoughts away quickly. No, Chanyeol’s not the type to ‘ignore’ friends — or people; he has too much pride for this. Whatever it is that’s going on with him, it’s related to the kiss. I have a gut feeling about this.

-

Chanyeol actually attends his classes, to my sur