I let out my breath slowly. I stare at the clock on the wall of my room that is ticking. I slowly shifted my gaze to your portrait which was displayed on the table near my bed. You're smiling, your beautiful eyes disappearing, forming a pair of crescent-shaped arches. You look so sweet and regal. Makes me want to  always stare at you, do not want even for a second that smile disappears from your face. I smiled too, but a second later my smile disappeared and replaced by a cold look. That one problem suddenly appeared in my mind and ruined my mood.

 

"Why?"

 

That one word just rolled out of my lips. I could only shake my head, feeling surprised by everything. Really I do not know what the answer is.

 

Suddenly my cellphone rang in my  pocket. I immediately picked it up while trying to guess who was calling me at times like this. My mind immediately focused on that one person. I sighed. Oh, not again. My prediction was proven right when I saw the name of the caller. With a little hesitation I picked up the call.

 

"Hello, Minkyung? "

 

"Yaebin, she cheated on me again ..."

 

Oh, as expected.

 

 I'm sure a line of sad smile is etched on my face right now. For a moment I was silent. Sobs sounded pretty clear from the speaker of my cellphone, indicating that you were crying in there. My chest feels so hurt as if it  sliced ​​slowly with a blade. Sore, wounded, and bleeding. Really I can not stand to hear your sobs. I was unable to imagine how sad you were at that time.

 

Again and again. Like a record that is constantly being broken. I keep my silence, no words come out my mouth.

 

 Again and again, all of her betrayal is a source of tears for you and only sweet  lies I can continuously tell  to you. Because what you hope is reversed one hundred and eighty degrees with things that are still and always become my dreams and wishes. Stupid nonsense that is pretty impossible to fulfill.

 

I bit my lower lip, which really wanted to curse with harsh words, shouting them at you. Maybe that way I can make you realize that Kyungwon is not a good lover for you.

 

"Thank you for being my friend, Yaebin."

 

Oh, and our conversation ends when you disconnect from the other side. I sat limp on my bed. I stared at the screen of my cellphone, my mind wandered, trying to guess when else you  would contact me again. Another day, another week, or another ten more days? And I'm very sure that incident will repeat itself.

 

You're going to cry over Kyungwon again.

 

***

 Everything repeats itself again. Like a cycle that continues to spin. I feel like screaming, but I'm forced to just bite my tongue and stay still. And I really want to talk and say everything. You should be with me now. But of course it's all just my hope.

 

Again and again, you choose to be with Kang Kyungwon, someone who always destroy your hopes and hurt your heart. Oh, she treated you so badly and you still love with  her.  You foolishly hope that she will change and stop cheating on you from time to time.

 

How  stupid and naive you are, Minkyung. A womanizer like her will never change. Well, maybe it's possible but not sooner.  She, Kyungwon, know that how attractive and charming she is and she used them pretty well. After all, she loved being among girls, seducing them, then leaving them just for her own pleasure.

 

You are just one  name in her long-list of  conquest, but you will never realize that. How fascinating that someone as smart as you can be fool when it comes to love.

 

And now I'm here, looking at you in the rain with a folded umbrella in my hand. You are with her, both under the same umbrella. You look so intimate with her, looks like a typical happy couple. You and her laughed together while holding hands, her fingers entwined with yours. You look at her with adoration, pretty obvious how deep your feelings are for her.

 

And I only stare in silence. I was stunned, my tongue felt numb. I was aware of droplet of tears that had started falling down my cheeks. Raindrops perfectly camouflage my silent cries. My sadness marched down with the sound of raindrops hitting the asphalt road.

 

"She treats you so bad and I'm so good to you it's not fair."

 

***

 

"Yaebin ..."

 

Here you go again. You lean on my shoulder, burying your head in my arms. I let my shoulders wet from your tears. Your sobbing makes me feel sad.

 

"She betrayed me again, Yaebin. She promised me she would not cheat anymore, but yesterday I saw her kissing Jung Eunwoo,  her best friend. I hate her.. I really hate her. "

 

I tried to calm you down by your shoulder gently. No words can be use to consoling  you right now. And I also seem to have lost words to make you realize that Kyungwon is not the best for you. Obviously my advice will never work.  You have been too blind for your love for her, someone who has repeatedly hurt you.

 

"You should forget her, Minkyung. She is not a good person for you. She has repeatedly cheated on you. "

 

Reflexively those words came from my lips. I see you began to wipe your tears with your own  hands. Your beautiful fox-like eyes look so red and swollen.

 

"I can't, Yaebin. No matter how often Kyungwon hurt me, I still love her. That is love."

 

But love is not suppose  to hurt you like that, Minkyung. That’s  pure torture, I tell ya..

 

And again, you showed me a bitter smile. As if trying to make me understand, made me have to kill this unharboured desire inside my heart. Killed the long-time romantic feeling that I feel only for you. Killed those hopes for a chance to make you happy.

 

Why would I expect someone who couldn't even realize  my presence?

 

I have no idea.

 

I feel like a fool. In the end I was forced to repeat the same words, which gave a pseudo hope to you and made my heart and mind conflicted. You were never aware of my presence and my love for you, Minkyung ...

 

"Yes, hopefully Kyungwon will  change her attitude and won't cheat on you again ..."

 

Impossible.

 

***

 

Everything repeats itself. You return to her arms, as if you have never been deterred by the betrayal she continues to commit to you. It seems too difficult for you to realize my presence. I, someone who is always watching you from time to time. I am constantly trapped in friendzone with you. Oh, I cover my face with my palms. For you, I am nothing more than just a friend to confide in, a place where you will complain about her attitude.

 

I dedicate this song to you,

The one who never sees the truth,

That I can take away your hurt, heartbreak girl.

Hold you tight straight through the day light,

I'm right here. When you gonna realize

That I'm your cure, heartbreak girl?

 

I sang the song while playing my fingers on my old guitar.  Drowning in the thought of you and me. 

 

Will you realize it, Kim Minkyung? That I can be your cure, I am the one who always stays beside you through thick and thin.

 

"Hey Yaebin ..."

 

A voice suddenly startled me, diverting me from my current activity. I stopped singing and saw which way the sound came from. I found you smiled at me from far away. You approached me and chose to sit next to me. I was speechless and frozen, again captivated by your charm for the umpteenth time. You are so beautiful, looks so perfect in my eyes. Yes, you look so perfect as a woman.

 

And unfortunately I can only look at you, without being able to expect more from you. How lucky Kang Kyungwon, that girlfriend you love so much. You are so loyal to her, so caring, so in love with her. But it's a pity she always hurt  you. She can't stay for just one woman, even for someone as perfect as you.

 

A spark of jealousy ran through my heart. If only Kyungwon was me. If only you loved me like your love for Kyungwon. I won't let you get hurt like this.

 

Ah, it seems like I'm getting selfish because I want you to be by my side, while you don't want me. What a hopeless dream. Why force someone who doesn't have the same feelings?

 

And I will not force my feelings on you, even though all this becomes more painful for me as time passes by.

 

"Yebin-a, I want you to sing that song again for me."

 

Your voice awakens me from my short reverie. You seemed to ask while giving me a hopeful look. I paused then thought for a while to grant your wish or not. The song was very personal for me, an expression of my true feelings for you. I'm afraid if you find out then you hate me because of that.

 

"OK, I will sing it again, Minkyung."

 

I exhaled slowly and nodded in agreement with your request. You looked very happy.

 

"Thanks, Yebin. You're the best! "

 

So I began to sing that song from 5 Second of Summer entitled Heartbreak Girl. A song that tells the story of someone who always has to deal with a girl who never realizes that her lover is not a good person for her. Exactly the same as our situation.  You're the one who never realized how bad Kyungwon was treating you, and the stupid me can't move on from someone like you. We were just going in circles again and again.

 

You looked very enthusiastic  and seriously watching me singing. I was sang seriously while watching your facial expressions. Would  you understand, Minkyung? Would you know that this song is dedicated to you? Would you know that you're the only one in my heart?

 

With anxiety I continued to sing. Even though I don't want you to know, the hope that you will catch the message  just show up without being invited. I became confused because these two contradictory things continued to fight in my mind.

 

As soon as I finished singing you gave me a round of applause.

 

"Your voice is very sweet Yaebin, and the song you sing is also very good."

 

"Thank you, Minkyung. I'm so glad you are impressed with the song. "

 

You smiled again.

 

"Mmm, I like your voice. You're talented at singing, Yaebin-a. I hope you will sing again for me sometime. "

 

It turns out you are not capable enough to capture the message of the song I sang. I hid my bitterness through a forced smile  on my face.

 

How stupid I am. Of course you won't understand it, because you're only focused on  Kyungwon. Your love for her was so passionate make  you blind to other things around you.

 

I felt my expectations slowly decrease. Maybe thats true, I must immediately kill my feelings and try to accept that you are only saw me as a good friend.

 

Forever like that.

 

***
 

"Listen Yaebin, stay away from Minkyung!  She is my girlfriend and she only loves me! ”

 

I leaned against the toilet wall, my small body was held by Kyungwon who was in front of me. When school is over suddenly Kyungwon pulled me to the school bathroom. When we  arrived she immediately gave me a hard slap.

 

I didn't have time to avoid being hit by her slap that landed right on my face. I'm sure my cheeks have turned red from that.

 

I grimaced, intending to hit her back. But Kyungwon yelled at me and looked at me full of anger. This have the nerve to forbid me to approach Minkyung?  A sarcastic smile grew on my lips.

 

"I won't stop just because a jerk like you, Kyungwon."

 

One blow landed right on my stomach made me fall. This time I don't want to stay silent anymore. Immediately, I hit her back. I punched her repeatedly, but she was able to fend off my attack. Then my legs kicked her, but she was also able to avoid it.

 

But an blow  from my fist managed to land right on the bridge of her nose. Fresh blood immediately spurted and then flowed from both her nasal cavities.

 

Getting a punch like that made Kyungwon's anger immediately rose up. She mercilessly attacked me. Meanwhile I tried to deflect and strike back at her. But because we both knew martial arts, this fight became intense. I got some cuts on my face and my stomach probably bruised, while Kyungwon's face covered in fresh blood because of  her broken nose and her lips were cuts by my fist.

 

"Kyungwon!  Yaebin!  Stop it !!!"

 

The sound of your scream suddenly rang in my ears. Apparently you saw our fight. You rushed over and tried to separate us. Because we didn't want to hit you, we stopped fighting.

 

"What are you two doing, huh ?! "

 

At that time you looked very angry. But a moment later your anger changed to panic when you saw Kyungwon's face covered in blood. Your eyes sharply glare at me with a look of anger and hatred.

 

I choked, this is the first time I've seen you look at me like that.

 

It caused a pain in my heart. Pathetic. How weak you are, Kang Yaebin.

 

"Yaebin what did you do to Kyungwon?  "

 

"Minky-"

 

Kyungwon cutting my sentence right away.

 

"Now you know how she really is. The true nature of the person you have been bragging as your best friend. "

 

My fist landed right on Kyungwon's broken lips. She grimaced, it must hurt. I hit Kyungwon with all my strength.

 

"KANG YAEBIN !"

 

You snapped at me, you eyes  widen and glaring at me sharply. I smiled sadly, did not expect this situation will occured. I looked back at you wistfully.

 

"Minkyung, if you want to be angry with me, it's fine. But you must know that she attacked me first. "

 

Hearing my words, You  turned your  gaze to Kyungwon. You  interrogated her through your sharp and intimidating gaze.

 

"Is that true, Kyungwon?"

 

Kyungwon paused for a moment, then she weakly  said,

 

"Yes, I did."

 

"I didn't expect, Kyungwon. Why are you act  like this?  "

 

You  looked so upset. But Kyungwon spoke again.

 

"I only warned her not to approach you again. She likes you Minkyung, you know that! She has been trying to win your heart. And you are my girlfriend! Of course I can't allow that. "

 

Kyungwon raised her voice while pointing at me. While Minkyung looks disbelief.

 

"No Kyungwon, you're wrong. Yaebin is not what you think it is. Your jealousy is truly unreasonable."

 

Kyungwon smiled wryly.

 

"You don't believe me? Oh Minky you're too damn  innocent. She won't be that nice to you if she doesn't have feelings for you. If you don't believe me, ask her. "

 

Minkyung turned to look at me. She looked so  serious asking  for confirmation.

 

"Yaebin, is it true what Kyungwon said? Y-You ... like me? More than friends? "

 

I was unable to answer the question, my lips thinned  and my tongue became tight. My silence was enough to answer the question.

 

You look surprised. You stayed quiet for a long time without a word. Then you look at me in disgust.

 

"I did not expect this from you, Yaebin. It turns out you're just the same as the others. I can not believe this. "

 

I felt my heart cracked and my hope crushed mercilessly. My eyes blurry because hot tears gather in my eyelids, ready to fall anytime.

My throat feels constricted. It was hard to talk, hard to breathe.

 

"Yeah, you're right, and Kyungwon is right ..."

 

I steel myself to speak. All of this is more painful than just a rejection. For the first time I felt so humiliated. It turns out that all this time I didn't mean anything to you. Even just a friend, you don't respect me. Although I was always there when you were hurt, but none of that left a trace in your heart.

 

I couldn’t believe how a single human can make me feel so small and unworthy.

 

"I really like you, Minkyung.  Even before you dated her. But I know you don't have romantic feelings for me, so I decided to just be friends with you. I care about you not only because I am in love with you, but I think of you as a close friend of mine that I must take care of all the time. That's why I stayed close to you even though you were dating a bastard  like her. "

 

"You know, seeing you hurt also makes me feel sad. I can't make you happy like when you were with her, so thats why I  always try to cheer you up every time you get hurt by her.  I thought, you deserve better."

 

"But now I realize how wrong I was. I fell in love with the wrong person  and its not worth it at all.."

 

You looked at me with unreadable face.

 

I stepped closer to you who was fixated where you stood. I pulled your nape and without a doubt I kissed you on the lips. You look surprised and don't reply at all. You were stilled for a a moment the pushed me away.

 

"Yaebin! What are you doing?!"

 

I think I have reached my limit of patience. Without wasting time I immediately took my bag and left the place. But before I threw a painful smile at you. Just this once, I look at you for the last time.

 

After that I will not care about you anymore, even to see your  face I no longer want to.

 

You actions cuts deeper than you intended to. I didn’t  think I would  ever recover from that.

 

I throw a cold gaze at you.

 

After all this,  I won't fall for a  woman like you anymore. Enough already, this will be the last time I get hurt because of you.

 

"Have fun with her, Minkyung. Do whatever you want, I don't care anymore. "

 

And I ran away with my heart shredded and my hopes faded. I'm not even crying for you one bit. The pain you gave me have caused my heart to harden like stone. I will never allow myself to be hurt like this again in the future.

 

***