hello, happy pride month! i’m going to take this much space to say please never stop spreading awareness on pressing issues. we can either change our government and die trying or keep our heads down and raise our children to do the same.

i also want to express how i am genuinely amazed by your responses last chapter, and thank you for every person that leave their thoughts- the response knocked me flat! your comments are valued.

a warning for the language. 

–

if seungwan would ask her what her favorite color is, sooyoung would laugh nervously, peering over to look at her face. till then, seungwan would throw another question, asking what is so funny about that with her eyebrows furrowed inquisitively and her cotton candy lips pursed together, as if silently reprimanding.

the answer to her question is sitting right on the tip of sooyoung's tongue, waiting to be voiced. it has been waiting there for quite a while now.

your eyes, she thinks. your eyes are my favorite color, she wants to say.

but somehow, most of the time, sooyoung is aghast of words, like the universe has stripped her bare, so she would avert her gaze and shrug nonchalantly, and maybe mumble a few cheesy line in which the other woman would only find funny. that is all sooyoung's poor attempt.

seungwan would probably roll her eyes before asking again, "what about your favorite sound?"

the sounds of your laugh, sooyoung wants to answer but when silence meets her question halfway, like a half-hearted apology unsaid, seungwan would pried further, "since you won't bother answering anything, i'll just ask you a basic question that covers all aspects: what's your most favorite thing in this world?"

and sooyoung aren't going to give up, she wouldn't have the other night and the days before that because she knows she has everything to lose but, but at the same time, not much. she can't lose something that is never hers in the first place.

so sooyoung would probably answer, "you. you are my most favorite thing," she grins, one that masks the aftertaste of bitterness that will soon leave , "and the sad part is, i know i won't be yours."

and it stings.

because there's so much to seungwan and sooyoung will never understand the things she goes through. when seungwan is sitting in front of her, with all the parts of her that sooyoung could have loved and appreciated. it frustrates sooyoung that she could be her significant other. it makes her wish so hard at the same time, that she could just look straight into her soul and read what's there.

but it stings moreover for the days and nights sooyoung has to swallow down the urge to look after her, because she respects her space and decision, but most importantly her. it stings for the countless thoughts she had, of months before down to few minutes ago, when seungwan's words rings clearly against her ear, joohyun will always be the answer.

joohyun, joohyun.

the one who would be on the tip of seungwan's tongue, the one on her last words spoken, the clarity that meets sunlight undressed thoughts soaking under the moonlight. all the silent fightings, the subtle sideways begging, the attempts at logic. it’s all for her. and nothing for sooyoung.

sooyoung focuses on giving everything she believes seungwan deserves, unconsciously filling her in with every aspect joohyun lacks at and in exchange it left her empty. drained. her mind, a numbing cocktail of anger and sadness and guilt, seething at what she's seeing. joohyun has someone who chose to choose her when she is not even a viable choice.

the irony doesn't escape.

sooyoung’s eyes slide away from seungwan, watching the floor instead, not willing herself to look up. her face crumbles, a match to the condition of the developed pictures now on the floor, then she grabbed the kitchen island's surface as though searching for something to hold on to, something to steady herself against the seething rage radiating off her in waves.

the air between them is as tensed as they are while they stand on the edge of the world neither of them is quite sure if to jump.

"sooyoung," seungwan calls out first, reaching out a hand for her instinctively, needing.

sooyoung lifts startled eyes to her, a slow blink, and then she glances back down at seungwan's extended fingers, staring, just staring, and when seungwan is only meet with silence, she withdraws her hand, drops it heavily to her thigh, unable to breathe.

as her own hands nimbly remain on her sides, sooyoung's memory flashes back to the first time she sees her like this, in the bitter cold morning of her bedroom, the night she had lost her sight. how far they've come since then, and yet, some things have remained the same.

sooyoung swallows back the sudden surge of emotion, the lump in becoming unbearable.

"i know this will sound absurd-"

she lets out a harsh, deprecating laugh, "ing hell it is. less than an hour ago, better yet for the last three years, you've been claiming your unending love to your wife while she's on the other side of the world ing another woman." the breath that she releases is audible to her own ears as she presses her palm against her head in frustration and it's the lines over and over, "this is ing insane and stupid and-"

"please help me with the bank transaction." seungwan answers, feeling her own mind pull in as she teeters on the edge of a conversation she didn't want to have.

in the end, they are still anything, but more than the ghost of a story whispered about round the smoldering remains of a bonfire, a soft song carried by the breeze.

closes, any readied retort dead on her lips. her spine stiffens as she stares at seungwan for a moment, cold and weary, "what?"

after all these years, the beginning of their tale still sat on the tip of her tongue, and she's ready to spill like an overflowing sink, ready to fix the frayed thread of memory and weave it into something that would outlast them.

"i-i couldn't ask yeri to do it, she will lose her mind if she finds out about it and i can't just go around the bank with my condition." seungwan tries to give her a little shrug, to play it off in and out of her head, like it hadn't crawled out of the recesses of her mind to remind her of what her wife had been doing in another country, "sooyoung, it's just a sum of money. it doesn't really matter."

sooyoung hates how the last words fall of easily against her lips, almost as if daring the universe to disagree.

"are you hearing yourself?" she asks, and the way her voice sounds, the way it breaks at the end, helpless, almost makes seungwan remembers that she doesn't have the answers she wants from her.

seungwan closes her eyes; she didn't want to get into this with her, "sooyoung, please, please calm down."

but sooyoung wants to shout don't. don't tell her to calm down and that it will be okay, because this- this is anything but okay. there’s a book of colorful curses ready on her tongue as she pulls her hands through her hair.

"i can't calm down knowing the woman i love is hurting as well! that ing position is supposed to be mine. i was ready to give up, support you even after hearing your declaration earlier and just swallow down these feelings because i figured i couldn't sway you. i figured if you had been waiting patiently for her so long, then i'll be fine being on the sidelines." her brows furrow and she almost laugh, thinking this whole situation is filled with absurd incredulity as it gets by, "but goddamnit, seungwan. how could i accept to back down without putting up a fight if the person you've been fighting for all these years had long surrendered you?"

and then it just clicks. at how seungwan has been calm throughout the whole ordeal as if it's only sooyoung who has been struck by the lightning. the way her expression immediately changed into a resigned mask, just a second after hearing what the mail was about. there weren’t any details on the note, no name nor bank account written, and then it just clicks.

seungwan have done this before.

"how long?" sooyoung asks, a little more forceful, unconsciously stepping into the other woman's space with her hand on her shoulders, the hard line of the table nook they uses for late night food binges or discussions over coffee slams into her spine, "how long since you knew she's been cheating on you?"

it breaks sooyoung at the idea of how she might be doing this for so long.

gods bled, and so does legends. despite her capability to have better judgements, seungwan keeps joohyun alive, surviving. through wishes made upon the stars in the dead of night, through hopeful thoughts she shared with no one, through dreams as vivid as memory.

she'd known. she'd known.

–

crowded. it's the only word that comes to seulgi's mind as she carries her duffel bag and dodges the seas of men, women and children who fill the terminals and hallways of icn airport. she's been back for less than five minutes and can already feel the tension weighing down her shoulders, the churn of anxiety coiling low in her stomach as she navigates the long hallway towards the exit.

this is her hometown, yet she feels less welcome.

an hour or two later, seulgi stepped through the doors of a familiar place after tossing a couple of twenties towards the cab. the warmth inside embraces her, attempts to soothe her tensed body, but anxiousness clings to the skin beneath her sleeves. it had been three years since she had been inside this building. three years since she had made eye contact with the doorman and informed him of whose apartment she was visiting.

"to what floor, miss?"

"top floor. the penthouse? the one owned by wendy son and irene bae- hold on, unless it's now under by someone else's name?" seulgi answers, throwing him her most charming smile to hide her nerves.

"no, miss son still occupies the top floor. can i get your name, please? i have to ring her first prior to your arrival." he asks, his hand already reaching towards the phone to make the call and his question only delivers a dozen of questions to her.

"sure, it's kang seulgi." she speaks, the words coming out slowly and appearing to cost her a great deal of concentration if her furrowed brows is anything to go by, she couldn’t help it but to ask, "may i know the purpose?"

"miss park had requested to give them notice first for any visitors due to the current condition of miss son." the doorman explains in return, the unknowingly enormity of his words sways her for a moment, but she forces herself this time to refrain from asking any more questions. "i'm afraid no one is answering. i'll accompany you to the elevator, please follow me."

as seulgi finds herself in the elevator moments later, she half regretted. the decision. her stomach flipped somersaults as though she's on a rollercoaster; fear, anticipation, but mostly worry, all mixed together in a dizzying frenzy. the pain in her head and the cut in her hand did not help as it throbbed in time with her heartbeat; coming from the scotch she had from joohyun's office back in arizona and the jetlag slowly creeping in her body as she moved.

all too quickly, the elevator arrived at seungwan and joohyun’s floor. as she stepped out, she let out a long slow exhale that bordered on a sigh, adjusting the duffle bag strap on her shoulder and turned towards the door, unsure what she would find when it will open. should she knock? seulgi hesitates outside the elegant doorway, fingers paused midair.

it's been so long since she’s seen her, and what if the sight of her brings back nothing but the pain of that day?

but there she is, already punching the code before her mind could even register it, half praying that it hasn’t change throughout the years, and when she pulls for the handle, her entire demeanor vanquish.

"hey!" she yells, abandoning her duffel bag on ground and lurching toward the tall woman, pushing her roughly away from the cornered figure, voice almost a growl, "you're hurting her!"

"seungwan," she breathes as she approaches, "are you okay?" the concern immediately etched into the creases of her brow, her hands cupping seungwan's cheeks. her eyes met hers at the sound of her voice, but it's short while.

"who are you?" the woman towering seungwan before snaps, gritting her teeth against the anger rising like a tide up . "how did you get in?"

from the corner of her eye, seulgi sees the woman takes a reflexive step forward as if intending to be near seungwan again. seulgi is just as quick to halt her movement when she turns to her fully.

"what do you think you're doing?" seulgi's mouth is drawn into a snarl, words rough and sharp-edged, wavering between anger, and relief to see seungwan unscathed. “touch her again and i will make you regret it.”

"sooyoung, it's okay. i'm fine." seulgi whipped her head back to seungwan, the sight of her makes her lips part, an unsteady little exhale slipping past, but she shakes her head at the mention of her name, "seulgi, is that you? a-are you really here?"

"it's me, i'm here. did this woman hurt you?" she responds, almost immediately, the late morning sun streams through the window at just the right angle and catches the curve of her cheekbone, the blonde fringe of her short hair. stunning. so, so stunning.

seungwan is even more gorgeous than seulgi could remember.

but then her own arrival comes with countless questions well in seungwan’s throat, being the first one asked which she hadn’t prepared for.

"where's joohyun?" it was asked succinctly. two words that convey a bevy of emotions, draw up dozens of questions that leaves seulgi’s fingers burn when she tries to hold seungwan's arm, the prickle of fear and anxiety that rises across the back of her neck at the following words that leave seungwan’s lips, "she's with you, right? she's home now, isn't she?"

"seungwan, i- please, look at me." seulgi says softly, steeling herself for whatever reaction she would receive. her eyes searching, trying to meet hers halfway, sees her try, and it made seulgi stammers, stopping to clear the gravel from , "why can't you look straight at me?"

–

the loft is silent, save for the dull tapping of sooyoung's finger against the surface of the counter. seulgi is seated on the couch, next to seungwan, frustration creasing her brow. “this.. blindness, how long has it been?”

sooyoung answers for seungwan instead, “two, going three weeks now. she has an appointment the day after tomorrow.”

“i’ll accompany her, then.” seulgi blurts, too quickly, yet her voice matches the snarl that sooyoung used on her earlier.

“excuse me?” sooyoung challenges with an arch of her brow, all of the effort trying to be civil slipping away, succumbing to the driven anger again.

“you heard me,” seulgi responds bluntly, eyeing sooyoung across the spacious living room, her gaze intense at war with the persona sooyoung is trying t