Hindsight (Through Rose Tinted Glasses)
Hindsight (Through Rose Tinted Glasses)"Are you sure about this?" Chan asked.
"I don't know Chan." The younger boy let out a heavy sigh, apprehension heavy in his gaze as he rubbed the palms of his hands up his own cheeks.
"No Felix, this isn't something you can second guess, you need to be certain." Chan's voice got very serious. "Once you commit to this there is no turning back. JYP won't take won't take your decision lightly."
Felix sighed heavily once again, nodding solemnly to himself.
Official Statement Released by JYP Entertainment
As of June 15th 20XX, Lee Felix (Stage Name: Felix) will be discontinuing promoting with Stray Kids. This decision is due to personal reasons and JYP Entertainment asks that you respect Lee Felix in this decision and continue to support the remaining members of Stray Kids as they promote as an eight-member unit.
JYP Entertainment
"Lee Felix what the hell is this?!" A shiver ran down Felix's spine as he heard Changbin's voice echoing through the halls of their dorm. It wasn't a nice shiver either, he had been avoiding having this conversation for as long as possible.
Sure, maybe he should have discussed his departure with more than just Chan rather than waiting until JYP released an official statement and letting the rest of his bandmates find out that way. It may be shallow on his part but he just didn't know how to tell them.
"You can't be serious?" Looking up from the suitcases lying around him on the bedroom floor he found Changbin standing in the doorway, his shoulders tight. Felix could pinpoint the exact moment that Changbin also noticed the suitcases and realized that Felix very much was serious.
"Why Felix?" He sounded so forlorn, his eyes downcast. "Did you not even think of how this will affect the rest of us?"
"You make it sound like that isn't the only thing I can think about?" Felix yelled, raising his voice to match Changbin's tone, "I just can't do this anymore Hyung." He dropped his voice to a whisper, he was surprised Changbin could even hear him, and he was looking anywhere but the doorway hoping to avoid eye contact.
Changbin paused and looked at Felix, really looked at him and then sighed heavily.
"And there's nothing I can do to change your mind, to make you stay?" There was a hopefulness in his voice and something almost like desperation behind his words.
"No, Hyung. There isn't." Felix didn't look up. Changbin his heel and walked out of the room, not bothering to close the door behind him.
Felix sighed, whipped his eyes roughly with the back of his hand, and returned to folding the t-shirts in his lap. He ignored the tightness in his chest, he'd deal with that later. Maybe.
It was Minho and Chan that saw him off at the airport. Woojin stayed back to keep an eye on the others who were all in varying stages of acceptance and denial.
Jisung had practically clung to him as he tried to leave the dorm. His arms wrapped tightly around Felix's waist as he repeatedly told Felix not to go.
Seungmin seemed indifferent to the whole ordeal although that was Seungmin's default setting in most situations, so Felix wasn't too put off by the lack of an emotional farewell. Jisung well and truly made up for the both of them.
Jeongin had hugged him as he left, just a little bit tighter and a little bit longer than he usually would have. But he didn't say anything and there were no tears.
And Changbin. Changbin had barely spoken a word to him since he caught Felix packing up his belongings almost a week ago. In fact, the two of them had barely been in the same room together for more than ten minutes, other than the compulsory meeting with JYP to go over how Felix's departure from the group would play out. To say that tensions in that room had been high would have been an understatement.
"You'll keep in touch, yeah?" Chan's voice brought him back into the moment. His hand on Felix's shoulder as the three of them stood in the middle of the bustling Seoul airport. Minho stood just behind Chan with Felix's bags, his expression unreadable.
"Mmm," Felix hummed noncommittally. Minho raised an eyebrow at him from over Chan's shoulder.
"Please Felix, at least try." Chan sounded as if he was grasping at straws so Felix decided to at least meet him halfway, staying in contact was really the least he could do.
"Okay, Hyung." And Chan smiled at him softly before pulling Felix towards him and wrapping him up tightly.
" I love you, mate. " Chan's voice was muffled by the collar of Felix's jacket but it still held the same significance.
" You too. " Felix replied with the same conviction.
Chan pulled away and went to grab Felix's bags while Minho said his goodbyes.
"Be good, okay?" Minho's expression was still passive but his eyes swam as he rested a hand on Felix's shoulder. "We're all here for you if you need us."
Felix didn't believe him, not about all of them anyway and he felt bad for feeling that way but he did, he smiled at Minho regardless and the older boy nodded sternly obviously having said all he intended to say.
There was a pause and Minho was about to pull away but then Felix dove in. He wrapped his arms tightly around his Hyung's waist and burying his nose in Minho's scarf. Minho sighed heavily, passed his arm to rest around Felix's shoulders, the fingers of his other hand burying themselves in the soft hair at the back of his head. He squeezed him tight and left a kiss on the crown of his head, rubbing his nose against Felix's hair and then pulled away.
Felix smiled at him softly and bit his tongue to keep his emotions in check. He would not cry, he couldn't.
And he didn't, not until he had boarded the plane and taken his seat. His mask on and he hat pulled low over his eyes. Then the dam broke and he cried until he had tired himself out enough to fall asleep, convinced that he was still doing the right thing.
He did try to keep in touch, just as he had promised. For the first week or so he did quite well.
He texts Chan to let him know when he landed in Sydney, and again when he got home after his dad picked him up from the airport.
But as the days passed the messages became more and more spaced out. Chan was busy back in Korea doing clean up after the mess Felix's departure had created, and Felix's replies became more and more vague. Thinking about how the rest of them were doing without him hurt more than he liked to admit, and talking to Chan only rubbed salt in the wound.
Being around his family helped to ease the sting though. They were all more than happy to have him home though they could all tell that the reason for his return was a touchy subject and so left it well alone.
His mum was quick to put him back to work lugging stuff around the garden for her and shifting things in the house. Some of his old school friends had booked him for a catch up all of which kept him occupied for the first few days. But the novelty soon wore off and everyone went back to their usual routines.
His sister's had school to attend and his parents had work. It wasn't until he was alone in his room, the house empty for the first time since he had returned that his thoughts finally caught up with him.
Surprisingly, the fact that he was practically in love with one of his male bandmates was not the reason that he had fled. It was a contributing factor but it had less to do with the fact that Changbin made Felix's insides turn to mush every time he entered the room and more to do with all the other little things that had been piling up on him.
Their debut had been a sweet relief and they had all been elated. The first few months of promotions had felt like a dream come true. But unsurprisingly, being a K-pop Idol came with its drawbacks.
One too many sleepless nights, one too many overrun practices, one too many expectations set too high for Felix to reach and it had all caught up on him.
Everyone had their limit, could only be put under so much pressure before they cracked. Felix had certainly reached that limit a few months ago.
He supposed his bandmates were just made of stronger stuff.
Changbin hated almost every moment of the next two weeks that followed Felix's departure. The way everyone was avoiding talking about the elephant in the room which was undoubtedly the gaping hole that their friend's absence had left.
JYP suggested they get back to work straight away, prove to their supporters that they were just as strong as a team of eight, a united front against the inevitable backlash that came with the events of the past three weeks since JYP Entertainment's official statement had been released.
Changbin hated how they seemed to be trying to prove that they were fine without Felix when they q obviously were not. It was as if they were trying to say that they had not needed Felix to begin without, as if he had not been a vital part of their team.
"I can't do it, Hyung," Changbin complained into the microphone of the recording booth, Chan on the other side of the glass had his eyebrows knitted together in frustration. It was not directed at Changbin specifically, more so at the entire situation that Felix had left them with.
"Sure you can, let's try it again," Chan assured him, his finger pressing the comms button, allowing Changbin to hear him in the booth. "Just a little lower this time."
"I can't go any lower Hyung, it hurts my throat." Changbin sighed and Chan lent back in his seat discussing something with one of the technicians on the other side of the window. With the comms disconnected Changbin couldn't hear what they were saying but from the looks on their faces, he knew he wasn't going to like their suggestion. Chan connected the comms again.
"I suppose we could always just autotu-" He began but Changbin cut him off abruptly.
"No. I will not modify my voice to make it sound like I can do something that I cannot just to prove to people that we can do this just the same without Felix, which we also cannot."
"He's right Hyung," Jisung finally spoke up from where he had been sitting quietly on the couch behind Chan, silently watching as they tried to record new guides for their comeback. JYP had scheduled it for in just a few months and they were all feeling the pressure to perform in the absence of he who shall not be named. "Changbin never could get as low as Felix could. No offense bro."
"None taken," Changbin assured him.
"Okay Binnie, come back out here then, we'll have to rethink this then." Chan relented with a sigh.
"It's okay Hyung, we'll figure something out." Jisung put a hand on Chan's shoulder having come to stand behind him as Changbin re-entered the main room.
"I know Jisungie, I know." Chan reached back to squeeze Jisung's hand but he didn't sound that convinced.
While Jisung and Changbin both had a seat back on the couch, Chan fished his cellphone out of his pocket as he spun the swivel chair he was seated in to face the couch.
To: Felix
How are you doing mate?
Chan knew that it was almost one in the morning in Sydney right now thanks to a conveniently located dual clock on his phone's home screen as well as many years on converting back and forth to stay connected to his family back home. However, he knew that with Felix's terrible sleeping habits it was more than likely that the other boy was still awake.
And just as he expected almost quarter of an hour later, as he, Jisung and Changbin were on their third variation of the third verse of their new title track, Felix's reply came through.
From: Felix
im fine hyung
Felix was not fine, he had been staring at the ceiling for the last half an hour and has long since given up on the game he had been playing on his phone.
Small faintly glowing star stickers were still stuck in no particular pattern across the ceiling of his childhood bedroom. There was something eerily familiar about them and yet somehow they also made him feel very out of place.
He remembered when his dad had helped him put them up when he had been about seven years old. They had been a Christmas present from his grandparents and he hadn't been able to wait until later to put them up. Hence he and his father spent Christmas afternoon sticking stickers to Felix's ceiling while everyone else was outside playing cricket.
He remembered pointing at random locations across the ceiling as to where he wanted them, his father moving the chair he was using as a step stool back and forth across the floor to put them just where Felix indicated.
His mother must have come in later on when Felix was playing with his cousins. She stuck the remaining stickers in a heart-shaped pattern right above were Felix's head would lay when he was in bed.
When Felix had first moved to Korea after joining JYP Entertainment as a trainee he had almost gone out and brought some of those stickers, having missed their familiar glow.
Now they were faded with age and didn't glow quite as well as they used to. Something about that unsettled Felix but he didn't know why.
He was sure that coming home was exactly what he needed to do. That may be the idol life had not been meant for him after all. It had taken a lot to convince JYP to let him quit, and even more to convince Chan to let him go to JYP in the first place.
He must have argued his case well enough because eventually, all parties relented, supposedly seeing that Felix's departure was for the best. Or maybe they just realized that Felix was too stubborn to back down from his decision once his mind was made up.
Now that he was finally home, back with his family, the people that he had missed day and night since leaving Australia, he wasn't so sure. But it was too late now and he had to live with the choices he had made.
The next morning Felix set out to find a job, deciding that a distraction and a new routine was exactly what he needed to settle back into mundane life in Australia.
Unfortunately, not many places near his house were hiring and he had never gotten his driver's license before he moved to Seoul. Sure there was always the option of public transport but it was still a twenty-minute walk from his house to the nearest bus station which wasn't exactly convenient.
It seemed that this was going to be a lot more difficult than Felix had originally thought it would be.
Their first comeback as eight went about as smoothly as it possibly could. The fans were understandably upset by Felix's absence from Stray Kids. Many of then slandering the original motto of " nine or none " at the idea of the group continuing to promote without Felix. Some were disappointed in Felix for leaving the rest of the group high and dry while others were worried about his well being and theorizing as to why he chose to leave the group in the first place.
Thankfully the majority of fans still seemed intent on supporting the remaining boys with their new song.
Understandably, their first proper performance without Felix was an emotional one for both the fans and the boys. Jisung amongst others had got teary-eyed during the performance and had only barely kept his emotions in check as Chan had given his customary speech between songs
"Although we miss Felix very much," Chan had begun with a heavy tongue. "We wish him all the best and hope that you, Stay, will continue to support both him and Stray Kids in the future."
The cheers of the crowd rang out across the stage but to Changbin they sounded empty, hollow. Barely an echo of how they used to make him feel and he feels like crying along with Jisung.
It's that same evening, in a moment of weakness that Changbin's resolve crumbles and he tries to contact Felix for the first time in the two months since he left.
He had meant to do so sooner but once he had gotten over being so hurt by his decision to leave the rest of them behind, to leave Changbin behind a certain stubbornness had set in. A stubbornness that made him want Felix to contact him first, hoping that just maybe he missed him just as much, but by the time he realized how silly that was it felt like he had missed his window.
This was how Changbin found himself alone in the studio after the others had all returned to the dorms after the concert, Changbin claiming that he just wanted to go over older unfinished tracks to work off the post-concert jitters.
Tucked into the corner of the practice room, his back pressed to the mirror and his phone against his ear, he finally dialed Felix's number.
After letting ring he was met only with a dial tone and then Felix's answer machine. A very mundane automated message, but Changbin listened to the whole thing. It was the first time he had heard Felix's voice in months, even if the pre-recorded message had probably been set over a year ago, back when Felix was still in Korea, still living at the dorm, still with Changbin.
Changbin let out a hiccuped sob and leaned his head back against the smooth surface of the mirror. He hung up the call before he could allow himself to leave a desperate message but allowed himself, for the first time since he had left, to cry over the loss of one of his closest friends.
It had been almost four months since Felix returned to Australia.
He still talked to Chan regularly, or more so Chan talked to him and Felix sent half-hearted replies. Just enough information to keep Chan from worrying but not so much that Felix can get to attached. He was sure that Chan probably worried regardless but Felix would rather not think logically in this situation. Jisung still sent he memes almost every day and sometimes Felix will send one back and he did text him to wish him a happy birthday when September rolled around. They all wished Felix himself a happy birthday the next day as well. They even posted on the Stray Kids Instagram page for him. Not that he saw it until his sister showed it to him. He knows that they haven't changed the password to the account since he left as it is still logged in on his phone but he has muted the notifications and he has refused to look at the page since he left, lest he fall into an acute case of FOMO and start regretting his choice to leave once again.
Changbin did try to call him once about two months ago but it had come through at almost two in the morning and for once Felix had been asleep so he had missed the call. Changbin had not left a message though, nor had he texted him the next day to ask if he had got his call so Felix just assumed that it had been a bum dial and didn't think much more of it.
He didn't want to admit that he had kind of hoped that Changbin would try to get a hold of him after he had missed his call but again Felix quickly dismissed these thoughts as he knew they would only result in himself trying to do something silly like call Changbin himself.
He eventually did find a job, though not a very conventional one. About a month after he got home an old school friend of his mentioned a pub a few blocks from Felix's house that was looking for more bar staff. At first, his parents weren't all that keen on him working nights or serving drinks at a bar, and if he was honest neither was Felix but the pay was good and he placated his parents by pitching in to help his dad on some of his maintenance runs during the week if his dad's team needed an extra pair of hands. It all kept him busy enough that he didn't have time to think about what he had left behind in Korea and working nights at the pub left him tired enough that usually, he would fall asleep before he could start overthinking.
The Black Barrel was more of a locals' joint and never really got that busy unless there was a footy game on TV or it was a public holiday. It took Felix a while to get the hang of mixing drinks and taking orders but thankfully his new workmate was patient enough to show him the ropes.
Cody was a couple of years older than Felix and as true blue Australian as they came. He was a nice guy though and seemed to be intrigued by what he called Felix's " Origin Story ". He was also courteous enough not to push for too many details when he could see that talking about what had brought him home got too uncomfortable for Felix. In all honesty, as time went by Felix himself wasn't entirely sure what had brought him home. He knew what had made him leave but he was beginning to wonder if the trade-off was worth the downfall. But he was enjoying being home well enough and he knew that there would be an adjustment period so he pushed those thoughts to the back of his mind.
The only time that those niggling regrets managed to slip through the cracks in Felix's resolve was on open mic nights. Although The Black Barrel wasn't a ridiculously popular bar it did have a reasonably established music scene. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, bands would book to do gigs or budding solo artists would play a few sets in hopes of gaining a few new fans.
Wednesdays, however, were Open Mic Night. Anyone with enough gumption and who could hold a tune were welcome to try their hand at performing a song. If the crown liked them well enough they could sometimes play another.
Felix respected their bravery, he knew what it took to get up in front of a room full of strangers and perform, and on a night when he might have had a few too many free drinks while on duty he may even admit that he missed it, performing. The rush the crowd, how it felt to have thousands of strangers singing your own lyrics back at you.
He supposed tonight must have been one of those nights as Cody once again caught him gazing forlornly up at their makeshift staging area.
"You could get up and do a number yourself if you wanted." Cody nudged his shoulder as he walked past with a tray of dirty glasses.
"No thanks," Felix replied flatly.
"Oh come on man," Cody passed the tray through the division and into the kitchen before coming to lean against the bar beside Felix. A girl not much other than seventeen was currently performing what she had announced as an original composition. It was sweet and melodic, it felt like melancholy and tasted like regret.
"You know my little sister showed me some of your band's YouTube videos when I went home for Father's Day," Cody commented lightly, Felix's stomach twisted. "You're good, your whole group. I didn't understand a of what you were rapping about till she the subtitles but you've got flow, my friend."
"Thanks." Felix eventually settled on after letting the complement filter through.
"Surely you miss it sometimes?" Cody asked. He didn't look at Felix when he said it but Felix knew that he was still gauging his reaction, testing the waters.
Felix hadn't even danced let alone rapped since he returned to Australia, he hated to admit that he did miss it sometimes, almost all the time actually. Music had been his greatest aspiration and the only thing he had wanted to do with his life after high school, and he had done it. He had made in on the other side of the world, in an industry that he knew very little about, to begin with, in a language that he had to learn as he went.
But he had done it, and that had been thanks to the amazing support system that he had, his family, his fellow trainees come bandmates and their unwavering belief in him.
Sometimes he couldn't believe that he had given it all up just because things had gotten a bit more difficult than he thought they would.
"Would you go back? You know, if you could?" Cody asked again.
The girl at the microphone sang about learning from your mistakes, she asked some all-knowing being if there was redemption for those who fell off the path.
"Maybe," Felix admitted. Cody clapped him on the shoulder and left to clear another table.
3 am. Changbin was still at the studio and his vocal cords we're almost completely shot. For the last week, he had been sneaking out of the dorm after everyone else was asleep to sneak down to the JYP building and practice for an extra few hours.
Getting out of the dorms without disturbing anyone else was a difficult feat in itself. Chan's sleep schedule was still as sporadic as it had always been which sometimes meant that Changbin did not leave the dorm until almost four or five in the morning only to get a couple of hours worth of practice in before returning to the dorms, sleeping for less than an hour and rising at nine o'clock like the rest of the group and going about the day's schedule.
The toll it took on his body was beginning to show and he could tell that he was drawing concern from his bandmates. But it was comeback season again and they were all feeling the effects of it so thankfully none of them had approached him about it yet but he knew that it was only a matter of time before one of them confronted him.
Getting up from where he had been resting on the floor he restarted the track and took his position. It wasn't until halfway through the track that his voice cracked again, he stopped rapping and let out a grumbled string of curses under his breath before moving back towards the sound desk to restart the track again. It was then that he looked up and caught a reflection in the glass window of the adjoined recording booth. Behind him stood a less than impressed Woojin, his arms folded across his chest and his usually friendly eyes drawn into a scowl.
"Hyung." Changbin breathed cautiously.
"Binnie, what are you doing," Woojin asked slowly. Changbin could hear the control in Woojin's voice, he was refraining himself from getting too wound up. "Do you know what time it is?"
It was only then that Changbin glanced up at the clock on the wall above the door, 9:45 am, it read. Crap, he had completely lost track of time. When he did not turn up for breakfast Woojin must have gone to wake him only to find that his bed was already empty, and cold. Changbin had been gone all night.
"Hyung, I.." Changbin tried to come up with an excuse, some reason for him to be here so early, well before everyone else but he knew there was no point in lying to his Hyung, Woojin would see right through it anyway.
"You're just lucky it's me who came and found you and not Chan, he was worried sick when we realized you weren't in the dorm. And Minho probably would have had a fit if he found you first." Woojin sighed in exasperation.
Changbin had the decency to look sheepish, toeing the carpet of the studio with the end of his shoe. He should have known that all his sneaking about would catch up to him eventually.
"I'm sorry, Hyung." He tried but Woojin only frowned at him more.
"No, you're not Changbin." He stated sternly. "If you were you wouldn't have been doing this in the first place, I'm going to take the liberty of assuming that this isn't the first time you have snuck out to come here?" Changbin shook his head slowly.
"Changbin you know that if you are struggling with something you can come to any of us. We'd be more than happy to help." Woojin sighed.
"I didn't want to worry you," Changbin admitted.
"Well, you did anyway so well done." Woojin was quite obviously upset that Changbin had been going behind their backs for who knows how long, overexerting himself when there was always a much better way. "If it's a singing thing then I don't know why you didn't just ask myself, or Seungmin or Jeonginnie. If it's dancing then I'm sure Minho or Hyunjin would go over the choreography with you again. If it's a rapping thing talk to Chan or Jisungie. You three are such a good team, 3RACHA yeah?"
"It's not something that Chan-Hyung or Jisung could help me with okay?" Changbin could feel himself getting wound up now and he didn't mean to be but he was tired and everything was starting to get on top of him. "This is the sort of thing that only Felix could have helped me with and he's not here to ask, okay? And if he was, which he isn't, then I wouldn't have to be doing this in the first place!"
"Oh, Changbin." Woojin sighed again, though it wasn't pitty in his eyes it was something close enough to it that it made Changbin was to scream.
It took Felix another month before he made the phone call, it wasn't one he ever thought he would make but he supposed that deep down he must have known that this would happen eventually because he had kept their number programmed into his cell phone contacts.
As he expected the call didn't go through right away and when it did it went to the reception. They took a message for him and promised to pass it on.
Two days later he got an email with a time scheduled for a Skype call the next morning. So at 10 am sharp on Wednesday the 15th of January 20XX, seven months after it was officially announced that he would be leaving Stray Kids, he took the first steps towards fixing that mistake.
Once the call connects and JYP's face appeared on the screen, familiar sweater vest and all, Felix's insides started tying themselves in knots. It was fair to say that Park Jinyoung had not been Felix's greatest fan to begin with, nor had Felix been all that fond of him, but as the years past they were able to work out their differences and form the sort of CEO to Artist relationship that they could both be proud of. It wasn't perfect but it worked well enough.
"You know I thought you'd give in sooner than this." JYP joked on the other end of the line. "I've got to give you credit Felix, you took a lot longer to come back around than I thought you would."
Felix was admittedly a little bit shocked by the good-natured start to the call, he had expected this to be a lot more stressful.
"I'm sorry, for the mess I caused when I asked to leave," Felix admitted. It wasn't JYP that he needed to apologize to but I was a good practice run because if this worked out the way he hoped it would then he would have a lot of other people that he would have to apologize to properly.
"It happens to the best of us Felix," JYP admitted, "The idol lifestyle is not as sunshine and rainbows as the cameras and the flashing lights make it out to be."
"I know that."
"I know you do, I think you may have gotten yourself a bit stuck in your own head." JYP continued. "I could see that there was no way of changing your mind at the time and I knew that the only way for you to see that was to let your plan run its course. You had to see for yourself that there really is no normal or mundane life after all this, at least not yet not when you're still so young."
Felix hated that he was right, even if he had managed to make something of a life for himself back in Australia, there was always. Part of him that yearned for the stage, for music, for Stray Kids. He wasn't ready to give that all up completely, not yet.
"Why are you giving me a second chance?" Felix asked cautiously.
"I once said that Stray Kids as nine had a certain something that it missed with fewer members. I still stand by that statement. Also, surprisingly enough, I do kind of like you Felix. I also knew that you would come back around eventually." JYP seemed smug that he was right. "Now let's see what we can do to get this show on the road." There was a glint in his eye that told Felix that this wasn't going to be as straightforward as he hoped it would be.
JYP was a good man, but unfortunately, he knew how to make things more complicated than they needed to be if it meant making an extra few bucks.
Cody was there the day that Felix handed in his resignation at the pub. It was only two weeks after his initial Skype call with JYP and the ball was already set in motion.
"So the rumors are true, our little pop star is going back to the big smoke." Cody sounded just as smug as JYP did as if he too knew that one day Felix would inevitably going crawling back to Korea.
His parents hadn't seemed all that surprised when he had told them either, and although they were sad to see him go again, Felix thought they too knew that he was not as happy in Australia as he had thought he would be when he first came back. He had outgrown his childhood room, he didn't need the glowing star stickers to help him sleep anymore.
"Yeah," Felix smiled, probably one of the first real and genuine ones he had given Cody since he had met him. Cody smiled back.
"Well, don't you go forgetting your old buddy from Down Under now will you." Cody clapped him on the shoulder as he often did. "Call me if you need anything, and we'll get a beer next time you're in town, okay?"
"Sounds good to me." Felix agreed.
"Well, best of luck to you mate!"
The dressing room was a bustle right before the show began. Woojin and Seungmin were doing vocal warm-ups at one end of the room while Jisung and Chan went over the setlist for the millionth time that evening. Hyunjin was preoccupied with annoying Jeongin while Minho watched it all unfold, a small smile on his face. It had taken them a long time to get to this point since Felix left. Minho did not think that they would ever be quite the same as they were before, they would probably never be able to fill the Felix shaped hole in every part of their lives, but maybe one day they could learn to live with it.
Changbin was sat beside him snoozing against the arm of the couch. They had all been worried about him for a long time but now, almost a month on from the morning Woojin had caught him overexerting himself in the studio, they were finally starting to see bits of the Changbin they had been missing.
Before long they were called to final touch-ups on hair and make-up. Minho shook Changbin awake who grumbled but obliged as he was shuffled into the chair in front of the mirror once again, two of the Noona's rushing around him trying to readjust the hair that had been put out of place from how he had been sleeping.
Soon enough everyone was wide awake, looking the part, and pumped to get on stage. The setlist burned into each of their minds. They had planned to start the night off with a bang and perform their most recent comeback but later in the show, they had been instructed to throwback to some of their older stuff, a bit of nostalgia to end the night.
Recomposing their older songs to work for just the eight of them had been a feat in itself. Although they had all worked hard to learn the new configurations, none of them could ever match Felix's ability in the lower vocal range, or conduct the same stage presence that he had when dancing center.
Because of this, some of Stray Kid's older songs didn't have the same feel to them as they did when performed as a group of eight rather than nine. Regardless of this, they were still songs that meant a lot to both the fans and the boys and so performing them was still important to all of them.
One song in particular that held this sentiment was Hellevator. It was the first song that they had all written and performed as nine, it was the song that had solidified their debut as a complete unit, nine of none. Sometimes that sentiment sounded bitter to Changbin's ears now, but regardless the song held a very special place in all of their hearts and so that is why they had decided to save it until last.
As the opening notes filled the stadium, Seungmin's voice steady and carrying across the building, the crowd went wild and Changbin's heart twisted uncomfortably. Some things never got easier and no amount of time would change that.
The wind up to his verse began and Changbin took a deep breath. Regardless of everything, this was exactly where he wanted to be and he would show that with this performance.
The heavy steps of his friends stook the stage above Felix's head. He fiddled with the microphone in his hands, reacquainting himself with its familiar weight.
Above him, he could hear Hyunjin and Jisung slaying the second verse, as per usual. He hated to admit how strange it was to hear those voices in person again, for the first time in almost nine months. The familiar lilt at the end of Jisung's words, the ringing clarity of Woojin's voice as they moved into the chorus.
This was it, this was the make or break moment as Felix readjusted his shirt, tugged on a loose strand of his hair.
The last thing he did as the platform he was standing on began to rise out of the floor was pinch himself.
Just to make sure.
This was it, the of the song and Changbin was taking as many deep breaths as he could whilst dancing the once again rearranged choreography. Unsurprisingly he had once again be shuffled what used to be Felix's bridge. Although he had practiced for hours with the help of Jisung, Chan and a vocal coach, he had never been able to make his vocal cords stretch quite as low as Felix's, but if he managed to sing with the same conviction then he was happy knowing he had done enough.
I'm on a Hellevator
Changbin had been so caught up in his thoughts that he missed the end of Jisung's last line and therefore his cue to start the bridge. He picked it up just a beat late and hoped he could do enough to cover his fumble only to be very confused when the words that came out of his mouth sounded an awful lot like Felix's voice.
Changbin whipped his head around in the direction that the voice came from only to see a ghost standing behind them all. The ghost wore Felix's face and spoke with his voice. He looked so real that Changbin almost cried. He looked around the rest of the members, only to see their faces in similar states of shock. The crowd behind them was going wild as Ghost Felix rapped through his whole bridge. It was at this moment that Changbin realized that if everyone in the room could see Ghost Felix, and he truly was hearing his voice loud and clear then maybe he was very much real.
A wide smile spread across Minho's lips as he shook himself out of his stupor just in time to pick up the bridge where Felix left off, moments later Jisung followed suit and then came the drop.
It was amazing what muscle memory could do as somehow all nine of them fell into the original choreography, the one that was designed for nine members, the way it should be.
I'm on a Hellevator
My Hellevator
Felix had never felt more at home than he did when he was on stage with his friends, performing the music that they made together. This was what he had been missing all along. This was what he had been too blinded by exhaustion and negative thoughts to see the true worth of.
The adrenaline of being on stage again, the burn of his muscles as they performed the choreography to a song they had performed a thousand times but would never be tired of, was what Felix decided was one of the greatest feelings in the universe. This was where he belonged, and he did not want to be anywhere else but right here.
I'm on a Hellevator
The instant that the song came to an end Chan came rushing towards him. He slammed into Felix with the full force of his sprint and wrapped his arm tightly around Felix's frame. Both of their chests were heaving from exertion and they were both sweating under the stage lights, but regardless of all of this Felix wrapped his arms just as tightly around Chan and breathed a heavy sigh of relief.
The rest of the boys quickly followed suit, each of them piling on top of each other in a messy cluster with Felix suffocating in the middle. He decided that if this was the end then this was probably the best way to go.
In the midst of it, all Felix managed to catch a glimpse over both Chan and Seungmin's shoulders only to find Changbin still standing in the same place he was when the finished Hellevator 's choreography. It was as if his feet were glued to the floor and he was staring at Felix with an unreadable expression on his face.
The other boys eventually let him go, seeming to notice the tension that was forming on stage. As soon as Felix was free, whatever had been holding Changbin stationary seemed to melt away and he started pacing towards Felix.
As soon as he stood but two feet in front of him, he reached forward to grasp Felix's forearms as Felix did the same to him in return. Taking a deep breath Changbin lent forward to rest his forehead against Felix's, fan-cams be damned, he hadn't seen this boy in months and he was not about to let anyone ruin this for him.
Both boys seemed to reveal in the closeness of the other for the moment before Changbin lent forward again to wrap his arms around Felix and press his head into the crook of the taller boy's shoulder.
Breathing in the familiar scent that was so distinctly Lee Felix was all it took for the last of Changbin's resolve to crumble and he let out a sob.
"I'm so sorry." He let out in a rush. Felix was quick to wrap him up tightly, his chin tucked into Changbin's neck.
"Why is Hyung sorry?" Felix's voice sounded damp, his word eerily familiar. "I'm the one who left."
Changbin didn't respond, only pulled Felix closer, he wasn't ready to let him go again just yet.
Both the boys and the fans were elated by Felix's return and once they had all composed themselves enough to return to the concert they performed three more original versions of their earlier songs to the best of their ability from memory.
When the concert came to an end no one was really ready to leave but the exhaustion in everyone's bodies was enough to get them off stage.
Back in the dressing room, Felix was bombarded with questions which he answered to the best of his ability but even he was now running low on adrenaline and was starting to feel the full effects of the flight from Australia to Korea that he had only been on the night before.
All he could really tell them was that there was a meeting scheduled with JYP for the following morning and that they would be discussing the details of Felix's return.
Returning to the dorms was a strange experience, he had spent so much time here that it almost felt like more of a homecoming than it had when he returned to Australia. That in itself was enough confirmation for Felix that coming back was the right choice in the end.
They ordered take out and ate together on the floor of the main room. Felix filled them in on what he had been up to while in Australia while the boys updated him on everything he had missed while he was away.
There was no awkwardness and no hard feelings between them all. When Felix made an attempt to apologizing they had forgiven him far too easily and with only one condition, next time he runs away to Australia, he has to take them all with him.
He fully intends to keep that promise.
Felix can't sleep, it's something like jet lag and something like adrenaline. His bed is exactly the same as he left it. Stripped bare but no one has tried to claim it for themselves which is surprising considering the number of times that Hyunjin had complained that Felix's bed was much more comfortable than his own.
Felix sits on the ground looking out the window. Below him Seoul is alive. Cars and people rushing about, everyone is busy with their own lives.
Someone else comes to sit next to him and he is unsurprised to see Changbin's familiar flannel pajama pants out of the corner of his eye.
Everyone else is already in bed, it is almost midnight now. Felix takes a deep breath but doesn't say anything. It's not his turn to talk yet.
"Why did you leave?" Changbin asks.
"I was weak," Felix replied, this is what he has always believed, he gave up when the going got tough and he paid the price.
"No." Changbin disagrees with such conviction that it makes Felix turn to look directly at him. "You are not weak for cracking under the pressure. Your weakness was not asking any of us for help. It was believing that you had to handle it all on your own."
"Oh." Felix doesn't really know what to say. Changbin has a point. Maybe if he had gone to one of them to help him overcome his struggles for a start rather than asking Chan for permission to run away from his problems, then he could have avoided all the trouble he had caused in the last nine months. He knows now that he put Chan in an impossible position where he really had no choice but to agree with Felix's requests. He only hopes that the others never blamed Chan for allowing him to leave.
"Why did you come back?" Changbin continues. He seems apprehensive now as if he is searching for something in Felix's response.
Felix thinks carefully, he knows that whatever he says next is important and he doesn't want to stuff this up.
"I think that I realized that when I left, I left everything that was important to me here." Felix began, he knew that this was his apology. Everything he wanted to say but hadn't been able to find the words for yet. "I don't just mean music either. My family means the world to me and I miss them constantly, but you are my family too, you all are. I think I forgot that for a while."
Changbin looks at him for a moment as if he is picking apart everything Felix has said. Eventually, he smiles softly, leans forward and presses a kiss to the corner of Felix's lips. Felix draws in a breath sharply.
"Family isn't always the one you are born with. Home isn't always the house you were raised in." Changbin explains quietly. "These things are important, yes, but the family and the home that you choose for yourself is what is most important. Yours was always here, we were just waiting for you to come back."
Felix stares at Changbin as if he hung the stars and he supposed that maybe he did. Not the ones in the sky and not the ones on his ceiling the way his dad did, but ever since he first came to Seoul he had shone so brightly to Felix, a part of him hates himself for dimming that light by leaving. Now he just has a chance to make up for it.
Changbin is staring at him again as if he is waiting for something. He lets Felix work through everything in his head, letting him come to his own conclusions.
Felix smiled back at Changbin and this time it is Felix that leans forward and presses a kiss square on Changbin's lips. He lingers there for a moment before pulling away. When he leans back Changbin's eyes are still closed. When he opens them his eyes are glassy.
"Don't start crying again!" Felix protests.
"Sorry I care!" Changbin complains. "I just missed you okay!"
"I missed you too!"
"We all missed you, now shut up and go to sleep!" Minho's voice echoes through the dorm and both Felix and Changbin burst into fits of giggles.
"Home." Felix's toys with the idea and realizes that he knew what that was all along after all.
Official Statement Released by JYP Entertainment
As of January 15th 20XX, Lee Felix (Stage Name: Felix) will be resuming promotions with Stray Kids. JYP Entertainment is thrilled to welcome Lee Felix back and asks that you continue to support Stray Kids as they resume promotions as the original nine-membered unit.
JYP Entertainment
Comments