i need to be the one who takes you home

irene promises after that, she'll let her go

***

When the words, “I like you,” fall from Wendy’s mouth, Irene isn’t sure how to respond. The younger girl says it like it’s something so trivial, offhandedly confesses her feelings out of the blue to Irene who freezes on the floor of the balcony of their shared apartment. They have spent the entirety of the night bouncing from a variety of topics, letting their laxed conversation flow freely to wherever it would lead them.

But it was never in Irene’s expectations to have them be led to this.

Wendy deciphers Irene’s silence as a sign of surprise, and she gives her an awkward giggle, probably to suppress her uneasiness and to soothe the growing tension between them. She looks over to Irene tentatively, her eyes trained to the older girl’s own unblinking ones. She forces out a small smile, but her lips only manage to form a strained thin line.

“But I know you don’t feel the same way.”

Irene couldn’t bare gazing directly into Wendy’s gloomy eyes, and the forlorn expression she’s wearing just fills her chest with a heavy amount of guilt, so she averts her stare to something behind her.

Because Irene has somehow known all along.

There have been too many indicators, too many incidents that Irene has suspected Wendy’s true feelings towards her dating back to their high school years. But she has turned a blind eye multiple times to convince herself it was all in her head, that she was placing some unnecessary malice into their friendship.

This time, however, her suspicions have proved to be correct.

“I’m sorry,” is all Irene could say. She doesn’t waste her breath on sugarcoated consolations by stating how she truly feels about Wendy, how she simply sees her as her goofy best friend, her younger sister and nothing more beyond the wavering boundaries of friendship. The admission would only add insult to injury, and piling more pain and sadness in Wendy’s somber features isn’t what Irene would want.

But the affirmation through Irene’s apology is also enough to break Wendy’s heart, chucking it out to the street down below, the shattering of declared emotions resounding between them. Irene could feel the tension mounting at every waking second. She could see it from the half-smile Wendy musters, how her shoulders have sagged the moment I’m sorry comes out from Irene, and how those two words have nearly broken the barrier that has been preventing a lone tear from escaping Wendy’s left eye, glassy from the moisture building up at the corners.

Yet, Wendy still manages to tell her, “Don’t be sorry. Sometimes, you just can’t help but fall for someone you can’t have. It’s life.” She shrugs nonchalantly, hurt cloaked by a mask she wears to protect herself, and Irene would have to give her a lot of credit for being so bold to be able to do this, despite knowing her chances are slim to none.

Irene embraces Wendy beneath the dimming night sky, commends her for her bravery, thanks her for her honesty albeit going unrequited. Her roommate and trusted friend of eight years assures her that she won’t let her silly feelings get in the way of their friendship, says how she would rather have Irene as her best friend rather than not have her at all.

As the warmth of Wendy’s flesh against Irene heats up her skin, the older girl distractedly wonders why she couldn’t return those feelings when Wendy is nothing but pure goodness with a heart of gold.

She wonders if liking Wendy in a manner that treads into the territory of something more would be possible.

Irene doubts it would happen.

Well, at least, not yet.

***

It’s understandable how their relationship doesn’t immediately revert to how things had originally been. They had picked up on a rocky start, both of them clumsily trying to get back to their old routine, trying not to talk over the other, trying not to get flustered from talking over the other. A mess would be an understatement to describe their situation, but on the brighter side of things, they strive to make it work.

Roommates can’t just avoid the elephant in the room.

And Irene doesn’t want to give Wendy any more reason to have her feelings blossom beyond repair. She’s aware that feelings don’t just magically fade overnight. Nobody wakes up the next day to be healed from the emotional turmoil. Moving on is a work in progress, urging Irene to give Wendy as much space as she should have, spending lesser time than usual at the apartment, with Irene clinging on to Seulgi, and Wendy hanging on to Joy.

A small sacrifice to have everything return to normal when feelings weren’t placed into the complicated equation.

Their arrangement yields results in a matter of months. Wendy no long