it kinda smells like son seungwan

she keeps me warm
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a/n: this chapter is probably the only one that doesn't contain song lyrics in the title, but i chose to it anyway because it also begins with the letter "i"

 

it kinda smells like son seungwan

wendy writes a series of entries in a journal for lia

(pareting-AU)

 

 

***

 

 

Dear Julia,

I want to preface this by saying that I did not dream of becoming a parent nor did I want to be one.

And neither did Irene. I’m positive of that.

This is to explain for the missteps we’ve had in the past three days. We’re not cut out for this child-rearing thing.

Yet here we are, being handed with the custody over you. I don’t know what your mom and dad were thinking in naming Irene and I as your joint guardians when we can barely breathe in the same room. This has completely blindsided us. It has been exhausting. Living together while mourning and taking care of you have been increasingly challenging for the both of us.

I am burnt-out.

I can’t stand her.

I haven’t slept in 24 hours.

But I can’t give up on you.

 

 

 


Dear Julia,

I should resent your dad for choosing me. Being his best friend doesn’t necessarily mean I’m the most suitable candidate for this position. Your mom has her shortcomings for choosing Irene either. She and I are incompatible, and we weren’t prepared for this sudden responsibility.

I really do have the urge to resent that guy, but all I can do is miss him.

I shouldn’t be here.

He should have been in my place.

I miss your mom too.

 

 

 


Dear Julia,

It’s weird to be writing this to a one year-old, but for all the feelings I can’t verbalize from the tragedy that’s happened, I find comfort in writing them out.

If there are things I am unable to explain to you when you’re much older, as I may not be there to personally tell you, maybe this will help fill in the gaps. Or maybe you’ll tumble upon this journal by yourself and read all the messes I’ve made.

This sounds like a farewell.

It probably is.

I wish I could have done better.

 

 

 


Dear Julia,

I’m sorry for panicking.

Irene caught me before I could leave and slapped me for being selfish. For walking away behind her back. It was then I had an epiphany. You had nowhere else to go. No other living relative to raise you. Foster care would be your next home.

Your dad would have been heartbroken.

My conscience couldn’t live with that.

I broke down for the first time since the avalanche.

 

 

 


Dear Julia,

Irene and I made compromises with our schedules. The house had also undergone some redesigning. Not to be rude to your parents, but the big framed picture of them above the fireplace has been giving me the goosebumps. The will did state we are allowed to make changes while we have you.

In the meantime, their portraits will be at the attic. We agreed to tell you their stories once we feel you’re ready.

Irene has got this scrapbook idea for that moment and I told her we’ll cross the bridge when we get there. She’s always way ahead of herself. She likes to plan things in advance whereas I like to live in the present. I guess that’s the biggest turn-off I had when your mom and dad set us up on a blind date.

Though, I have to give her credit for seamlessly stepping in to her role as your guardian. She’s got a fifth sense for these situations. Yesterday, she ran into your room before you fell out of your crib. How she sensed that is beyond me.

We’ve been doing okay for the most part. We had this sort of truce and we promised to shove our differences aside and to put you first. Sometimes, she still annoys me. Just not as much as she used to. From co-habiting with her for the past two months, she’s pretty alright half the time.

 

 

 


Dear Julia,

It has been months since my last entry.

I was busy on feeding you, watching ‘Baby Shark’ for the millionth time and making sure you don’t escape from your crib, you little mountain climber. You gave us a heart attack last week after the baby monitor showed an empty crib on its screen. You had bounded off to the kitchen by yourself.

Thank God the house only has a single floor.

Irene went nuts on baby-proofing anything potentially threatening, with every possible harmful scenario she could think of. I’d normally say she’s overreacting, but from the stunt you pulled, it’s a reasonable logic.

You’ve been babbling more on the regular. Surely, you can’t wait to be involved in our conversations. I wonder if your first word would be in Korean or in English. Irene insists we alternate the languages whenever we’re speaking to you. You won’t be going to Korea soon, but it’s a good practice.

Oh, and you’re almost two now.

Your other aunties are helping us plan it.

Your mom would’ve loved this.

 

 

 


Dear Julia,

The time you begin dating is the event I dread on a sleepless night. I’ll have Irene’s dating history to blame on if you wind up changing your date every three months.

In our peculiar arrangement, we’ve given each other the okay to date. I have been on a date one time, however my mind was drowning with baby stuff that needed to be done in my mental checklist. Who knew I’d be pressed about a toddler’s playdate? The fact is, I’m not equipped to be on the dating scene as of writing this.

For the succeeding months, my Saturday night dates will have to be you and Paw Patrol. Your bottle of milk and my usual order of milktea.

I’m satisfied with my peaceful weekends with you.

 

 

 


Dear Julia,

You called me “Mommy”.

I bawled like a baby.

 

 

 


Dear Julia,

Irene is being a sore loser about you calling me “Mommy”.

She’s been getting you to call her “Eomma”.

God, she’s so competitive.

 

 

 


Dear Julia,

You have officially entered into your terrible two’s!

You were fussy about getting dressed for your birthday party, which was a fun spectacle to behold at the corridor. You had to wear the purple dress Irene picked out for you as my choice of a blue dress was discarded in the closet since I lost at rock, paper, scissors. I’m honestly confident that my choice would have been worn without your cute complaints.

I went up to the attic and noticed something I didn’t bother checking on before.

It was a poorly crafted piñata your dad made. It had a note taped on it, scribbled with his intention to have it for your second birthday. I don’t understand the context behind it. I didn’t understand many things about him.

I cried anyway.

 

 

 


Dear Julia,

I dreamt of your dad. He said he and your mom were sorry for leaving so soon and for springing you up on us. And then he thanked us for being amazing parental figures regardless of how this flipped our lives upside down.

I woke up.

I cried again.

 

 

 


Dear Julia,

Law school is tough.

Witnessing your smile and hearing your laugh pumps me up with energy.

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throwaway18
i really don't know what else to say (i literally retyped this 5 times lol), i just wanna thank everyone for all the support ❤️💙 this wouldn't be featured without you guys!! 😭

Comments

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Seungwanniepuppy #1
Chapter 14: Aaaaaaaah. It was a roller coaster of emotions reading the entire 12 one shot stories. Piece of advice dont read 4th and 5th early morning. Just spare yourself from crying early in the morning.
Thank you Author-nim for these stories.
hiyerimie
28 streak #2
Chapter 12: lol this is so giggled
hiyerimie
28 streak #3
Chapter 10: It hurts ya Rene see Wendy looking at others and caring for others
hiyerimie
28 streak #4
Chapter 4: It's a story that can't be guessed the first time you read it
paradoxicalninja
#5
Chapter 7: forever one my faves
paradoxicalninja
#6
Chapter 4: will never not tear up every single time i reread this
paradoxicalninja
#7
Chapter 8: idk irene is crazy possessive here but i love this shot so much
paradoxicalninja
#8
Chapter 11: Chapter 11: this is still too cute lmfao
ShinHye24 1340 streak #9
I miss this collection :(
wndylv_eia
#10
Chapter 14: irene lying about having a schedule just to go to wendy's place and have a late night drive makes me all giddy.🤭💙💗