“It wasn’t a bad break up. It really wasn’t, pinkies. I mean, it wasn’t horrible, there were tears don’t get me wrong. But horrible? No, nobody threw anything, nobody cheated, there was no yelling. Could we stay friends? No, it could never be like it was before. And really, I wouldn’t want to be her friend again. You shouldn’t be friends with your exes, we really couldn’t, I mean, definitely shouldn’t be friends.” Jennie coughs awkwardly and sips from the same tea she always gets but has long since lost it’s flavor. The same tea Lisa introduced her too. The same tea that tastes like bitter heartbreak now. God why does she do this to herself? Jennie looks up, Jisoo and Irene are just watching her. 

 

“What?” She asks, mouth muffled from the straw. Jisoo shrugs and Irene is quick to sip from her tea. 

 

“They aren’t going to say it, but I will. You’re full of .” Nayeon says from beside her. 

 

Jennie gasps, “I am not! It wasn’t a bad break up!”

 

Nayeon rolls her eyes and Jennie just wants to die. Is she that obvious? Is it in her face? Is there a sign that says I’m broken and dumb plastered to her forehead?  “It didn’t need to be a violent Jersey Shore style break up for it to be bad.” Jennie looks to her Jisoo for support, her best friend. Her cousin. Her homie skillet. Jisoo’s eyes are quick to avoid hers, traitor. 

 

“You cried for two weeks straight.” Irene says, stirring her tea. 

 

Jennie grimaces at the memory. Those were a rough two weeks sure, she didn’t shower, she didn’t eat and her eyes looked like dried sponges by the end. But that’s totally normal. Not at all Indicative of a bad break up. Just a break up. A stupid one at that. 

 

“I was in mourning.” 

 

Nayeon nods in understanding, “which is absolutely normal and okay. But you mourned for two weeks in a car in front of her house.” Jennie’s mouth opens, mind whirring for a comeback. She groans and takes another sip of her tasteless, cold tea when she finds no comeback floating around in her Lisa muddled brain. 

 

“I’m surprised she never saw you.” Jisoo laughs, she wipes the smile off her face when Jennie glares. “Sorry.”

 

“She did see her actually.” Irene informs. Jennie chokes on her tea, sputtering and pounding at her chest for breath. Irene raises a sculpted brow at Jennie. 

 

“What do you mean?”

 

Irene shrugs, “she texted me twice a day to bring you water and food. It’s how I knew you had Strep throat.” 

 

Jennie leans back in her seat. This is horrible. “Oh god she must have thought I was some psycho.” 

 

“She didn’t. She loved you, she just wanted to make sure you were okay.” Jennie ignores the tightening of her chest at the past tense love. She did love me. She did. She loved. 

 

Jisoo clears , “listen. Why don’t we change the subject huh? Let’s talk about the party instead.” Jennie groans. 

 

“I don’t want to go. I want to go home and watch reruns of friends.” 

 

“You will do no such thing. You need to go out more Jennie, people are beginning to think you’re a hermit.”

 

Jennie shrugs, “so? I’ll be Jennie the hermmie. It’s cool.” 

 

“You’re developing a hunchback.” Jennie gasps and feels her back. 

 

“Am not!”

 

“You will. You need to get out Jennie. It’s been five months. It’s time to move on.”

 

“And I have! I am totally, one hundred percent over her. Guys, I dumped her. Obviously I’m over her. Why wouldn’t I be?”

 

“Because we were talking about how Nayeon and Jeongyeon got caught that one summer going at it in Irene’s bed, and then you just started talking about you and Lisa not having a horrible break up.”  Jennies shoulder sag, she can almost hear the entire cafe laughing at her. Jesus why are they so loud? What Jisoo said wasn’t even funny. She groans when the laughter only gets louder, mocking her and her pain. 

 

“Why are they so loud?” Irene grumbles. Jennie’s head snaps up, that wasn’t in her head? She looks over, there’s a group of people holding gym bags and laughing on their way to what Jennie can only assume is their seats. 

 

“Jocks, it’s kind of their only volume”, Nayeon snickers and Jennie feels her heart stop when she notices a particular woman.

 

“Oh, she dyed her hair”, she squeaks.

 

Any other time and she would be horrified at such a sound leaving her heavily distinguished mouth but Lisa’s here. And by god she is beautiful. Her black hair sways in its high ponytail and Jennie feels her inside threaten to be outside. Nobody has the right to be that down right y. Lisa is loud, like usual. She’s laughing at something Seulgi said, any other day and Jennie would be so happy to see Seulgi there but right now it only hurts. Just another person allowed to be graced by Lisa’s presence but her. Another person basking in the heavenly glow that is Lisa’s forehead but her. 

 

But you dumped her Jennie. You should be over her. It’s been five months. Jennie forces her eyes away, only to be drawn back when a particularly loud laugh echoes across the room. Lisa has jumped up, her drink seems to have fallen over. Jennie’s heart clenches at the way Lisa giggles and tries to clean the table without anyone noticing. Momo says something, Jennie grins at the way Lisa barks out a laugh. She’s going to die soon if this doesn’t stop. 

 

She can feel it. Lisa looks up. 

 

Oh.

 

 Lisa isn’t laughing anymore and Jennie isn’t breathing anymore. 

 

Lisa’s eyes seem to travel over Jennie’s body just like they used to before floating back up to Jennie’s eyes. It’s small, subtle, barely there the way the corner of Lisa’s lips upturn. Jennie swallows and before she can even register what her body is doing she’s up and running out the cafe to a chorus of her friends, Lisa and her own heartbreak. 

 

“I love you Jennie”.

 

She smiles at the words and pulls the blonde back onto the bed, “I love you too. But we’re still not having while you’re sick.”

 

Lisa groans and kicks her feet about like a child before settling back against Jennie. “But we’ve been cuddling, you’re still gonna get sick!” Lisa argues. 

 

“That’s not the point. You need to rest, so! That means no vigorous activity.”

 

Lisa sighs, “no hockey, no , next you’re gonna tell me I can’t put Reese’s in my popcorn.” Jennie giggles and props herself up on Lisa’s chest. 

 

“You really shouldn’t be doing that regardless, that’s like super unhealthy. You’ll get fat.”

 

“Will you still love me when I’m fat?” Lisa whispers, cupping Jennie’s cheeks. 

 

“Of course. I’ll just roll you around.” Lisa grins and Jennie swears she can see the stars in those eyes. 

 

“What about when I’m old and can’t walk?”

 

“I’ll wheel you around.”

 

“When I’m wrinkly?”

 

“We’ll be wrinkly together.”

 

Lisa kisses her. Jennie’s only thought is she hopes this never ends. 

 

“I said no! I’m not going!” Jennie screeches. 

 

Jisoo wraps her arms tighter around her cousin and pulls, “guys! Help me!” Jisoo yells. 

 

Jeongyeon walks in all long legs and curly hair and watches confused at the scene in front of her. Jennie, half clutches to her bed tightly as Jisoo, holding her ankles attempts to pull her out of bed. 

 

“What in the world are you two doing?” Jisoo grunts frustrated and decides she’ll take a break. 

 

“This lazy hermit won’t get out of bed and come to the party!” Jisoo says before kicking Jennie’s . 

 

“Ow!”

 

“C’mon Jen you know you want to go. It’s tequila Tuesday!” Jennie’s eyes twitch. That does sound nice. But what if Lisa is there? All beautiful and tall and curvy and a brunette now! 

 

“I can’t. I really can’t. I have things to do.” Jennie says, turning over in bed and looking at her friends. 

 

“Like what?” Irene asks, sauntering in with Seulgi. Jennie ignores the question and aims narrowed eyes at Seulgi instead. 

 

Seulgi swallows, “uh. Heyo!” Jennie bounces off the bed and rounds on Seulgi who takes a step back. 

 

“Your cute ditzy act won’t work on me ddeulgi! I saw you today. Getting all cozy with the enemy.”

 

“The enemy?” Seulgi questions, back against the wall. 

 

“Lisa”, Jennie says now firmly in Seulgi’s face. 

 

“I knew her first a-a-and she’s the captain of the team” Seulgi whines. Jennie steps closer and Irene grabs her shoulder. 

 

“Jennie, do not intimidate my girlfriend because you’re too chicken to talk to Lisa.” Seulgi takes the opening and darts under Jennie’s arms and behind Irene to safety. “It is not Seulgi’s fault they’re friends.” 

 

“Whatever.” Jennie stomps always before diving right back into her bed, where the sheets don’t accost her or judge her and her angst. 

 

“Now back to my original question. What could you possibly have planned for tonight?” Irene sits at the edge of the bed and watches Jennie squirm. 

 

“Um well. Uh. I’m going out with Dom.”

 

“Dom? Who’s Dom?” 

 

Snorting, Jisoo raises her hand and fixes Jennie a bored look. “When she doesn’t want anyone to know she’s just watching movies all night she names a character. She’s watching Dom. As in Dominic toretto from fast and furious. 

 

“I hope you walk into a wall and break your nose”. Jennie says. 

 

“Jen. C’mon! It’s one night and then you can come back to your germ infested bed again!” 

 

Jennie throws herself onto her pillow and stares up at her ceiling. The same ceiling she traced I love you’s on with Lisa. The same ceiling that she and Lisa never finished painting because they wanted grilled cheeses half way through. The same ceiling that reminds Jennie of everything she once had. 

 

“Ugh. Fine.”

 

"I need space Lisa. You’re everywhere, I just need space.” 

 

Lisa’s eyes widen and Jennie nearly gives up this plan. Nearly decides that maybe they can work it out. That she doesn’t feel smothered. That she doesn’t need space. 

 

“I Uh. I thought you were happy though?” Of course Lisa did, because Lisa is oblivious. Because Lisa can only ever see the good. Because Lisa is in love. 

 

“I was. I really, Really was. But now” she trails off. 

 

But now what? Now she’s met Jooyoung and she likes her smile more?  She wants to be single so she has more time with her? She feels smothered in a relationship that once felt as free as a bird in the sky? Now what? 

 

“I’m not saying I want to break up. I just want a break. A little space.” 

 

This was a mistake. This was stupid. Jennie stares at her gin and tonic. She doesn’t even like this. Why is she drinking this? Bull. She looks up into the knowing eyes of the bartender. “Um hi.” Jennie says. 

 

The blonde smiles, it’s contagious in a way. Makes Jennie smile. “Hiya there. You alright?” Jennie shrugs. 

 

“I’m alright. Could be better, but for the circumstances I’m okay.” The bartender smiles and wipes at the counter. 

 

“Wanna talk about it?”

 

“Um.” Everyone starts yelling behind her. She turns just as a familiar face walks in. “Oh god.” The blonde bartender follows Jennie’s line of vision and finds a tall brunette holding hands with another tall blonde. She whistles her appreciation. Well damn she whispers. 

 

Jennie downs her drink and puts a hand over her face. The bartender wants to tell her That’s not fooling anyone, but she leaves her be. “You know them?” 

 

“I used to date the brunette.” The bartender nods and smiles sadly. 

 

“Bad break up?”

 

“No. It was sad. And cold. I broke up with her.”.

 

“Did she do something?” Jennie shakes her head. 

 

“No. That’s the worst part. She was perfect. I was the .”  

 

“How did you meet?”

 

“We started out as friends. Did a couple drugs at the house parties.” 

 

“Sounds like a fairytale.”

 

“It really was”, Jennie whimpers. The bartender clears when she notices Jennie’s walking nightmare heading to them. 

 

“Heads up.” 

 

Jennie turns on her seat just as Lisa arrives in front of her. “Jennie. Hey.” Lisa’s smile is bright, she hugs Jennie like they never dated. Like they never shared something more. Like Jennie is nothing. 

 

Jennie swallows and croaks out a broken hello. 

 

“This is Jennie, an old friend. Jennie this is Chaeyoung, my girlfriend.” Jennie swallows. 

 

Well that hurt. 

 

“Oh. That’s uh”, her words are cut off as Lisa leans over and kisses Chaeyoung’s neck. Her heart breaks into fine dust as Chaeyoung giggles and Lisa smiles. Smiles that stupid smile. 

 

That I’m in love with you smile. The same smile that used to be meant for her. Does Chaeyoung see the stars in Lisa's eyes now too? “Anyway! I just wanted to say hi. See how you were doing. How are you and Jooyoung?” 

 

Jennie laughs awkwardly. “Oh I’m fine”, Bull. She’s dying inside. “Jooyoung and I broke up. Well we never actually got together in the first place. She’s with Kai.”

 

“Your ex from middle school?” Lisa laughs. Jennie just nods. “Damn that’s rough.”

 

It’s not. It really isn’t. This is rough. “I dodged a bullet. She was uh, clingy.” Lisa in a sharp breath and Jennie feels a wave of hope hit her in places she hasn’t felt before. 

 

“Well. We know you like your space”. Jennie swears she detects bitterness. But Chaeyoung kisses Lisa and it’s like it was never there. “Well uh. I’ll catch you later.”  

 

And then she’s gone. As if she weren’t just a hand reach away. As if she hadn’t once held Jennie’s heart in her hands. Oh. This hurts. 

 

“That was awkward” the bartender says. 

 

Jennie nods. “Yeah. It was.”

 

“Wanna talk about?”

 

“That’s the second time you’ve asked that.” The blonde shrugs. 

 

“The offer still stands if you want it.”

 

“There was a transfer student. She used to party and do all the things Lisa and I did before we got together. I was with Lisa for five years by then and I guess I just missed it. Or thought I missed it.”

 

“Missed what?”

 

“Missed the freedom. Jooyoung looked so cool to me. She skipped classes and smoked pot while tanning. It was just so fun and exciting and I was always out. And Lisa was always begging me to stay. But I just wanted to be out. I felt stuffed and suffocated. One night Lisa got mad and I told her I wanted a break. Told her I felt suffocated. Told her I needed space. 

 

I didn’t think she would do it. I didn’t believe she would just leave. But, she was like I don’t do breaks Jennie and I was like what? Like some . And just like that. Lisa was gone. She didn’t even come for her stuff. She sent Seulgi and Momo.”

 

“Seulgi and Momo?”

 

“Sorry. Friends of ours.”

 

“Ahh I see.” 

 

Jennie sighs, thinking on the late night taxi cabs. On the quiet I love you’s. She turns and finds Lisa dancing with Chaeyoung. I need a shot. Her tears well up when Lisa once again kisses on Chaeyoungs neck. 

 

The way you kiss on her neck with that look in your eyes do it right in front of me kinda makes me wanna die. Should we forget about the past is that how you cope? Should we drink a bit more of that rum and coke? Jennie stands. 

 

“I Uh. I need to go.” 

 

“Wait.” The bartender calls, “are you okay?” 

 

Jennie shrugs and looks at Lisa again. “It’s all love. I wish nothing but love for her. I hate the feeling but it’s all love.” 

 

Jennie walks out of the bar and into the night. 

 

“Sometimes when I look at the stars, they seem dull.” Jennie looks at her confused. “Like, unless I’m looking at you nothing seems right.” Jennie grins. 

 

“Why are you so cute?”

 

“I’m drunk.” 

 

Jennie smiles and leans over to plant a is on Lisa’s lips. “I love you.”

 

“Forever?”

 

“Without the R. Because that’s the end of forever.”

 

“Oh!” Lisa giggles, “who’s the cute one now. What’s your excuse?”

 

“I don't have one. I just love you.” 

 

Jennie unlocks her door and drops her stuff onto the floor before flopping onto her sofa. She stares up at the ceiling. 

 

“A break? I don’t do breaks Jennie.”

 

“Well. Then what? I need space and obviously you’re not happy either.”

 

“Then we fight Jennie. That’s what it means to be in a relationship. That we both-“ 

 

“Put in fifty fifty, yeah I know.” Jennie cuts off. 

 

“No jennie. I was going to say we both put in 100 percent. I don’t want half of your effort I want all of it. And if you can’t give me that. Then what’s the point?”

 

“So what are you saying?”

 

“I’m saying I don’t do breaks. And you don’t want to put the effort into fixing us. We’re over.” 

 

It isn’t until Lisa is gone, and Jooyoung texts her telling her she’s dating Kai and won’t be at the party that Jennie thinks she might’ve made a mistake.