September 22, 2018

7:47 PM

Curious eyes were on the on the reunited pair, eyes that switched focused back and forth, waiting for something to happen. There was history there, that much they were certain of, for Ji-eun’s eyes showed deep guilt and regret and while Chaeyoung’s showed a hint of that very same regret, it was damn near unnoticeable amidst the more discernable ones, anger and disdain. There was so much tension in the air, it alarmed the group. To them it felt like they were staring at a bomb that they knew would explode eventually but none of them were sure of what to do, so they just sat there. Luckily for them, the two decided to continue their conversation. “Hi,” the older woman greeted. “I didn’t expect to see you here. Nayeon never mentioned you two knew each other. Although she did talk about an adorable girl she couldn’t wait for me to meet. Turns out you’re that cute girl, huh? It’s good to--“

“I thought you left?” Chaeyoung deadpanned, cutting the woman off. Ji-eun wasn’t completely caught off guard, if she were to be honest, she expected a lot more hostility from the younger.

“I did. I worked at this company that got caught up in the whole "Me Too" thing. They had to let a lot of people go. Which is fine. I was feeling homesick anyway and I was planning on following through with my doctorate," the psychology graduate explained.

“Uh huh.”

“Hold up. You two know each other?” the birthday girl asked.

“Yes.”
 

“No.” the pair answered simultaneously. The contradicting answers earned them confused looks, looks that Chaeyoung was made aware of since most eyes were on her. Mina was getting very worried. The college girl was fuming and Mina was afraid that Chaeyoung might end up hurting someone like she did on her birthday.

“Well, I think you should all get acquainted with one another. I’m sure you’ll be hearing a lot of interesting things from Ms.  Lee, here. I’m gonna go out for a smoke.” She stood up halfway through her little announcement and started walking away.

“You don’t smoke.” Ji-eun commented.

“You’re not supposed to care.”

“Chaeng,” the woman said as she grabbed her by the wrist. Chaeyoung pulled back with great force and she did it almost as quickly as Ji-eun held held her. The group saw it, the timer finally started counting down and they feared what was to come. “Chae—” the woman pleaded but was cut off.

“Shut up,” the shorter girl started, “You left, so if it’s all the same to you, I’m just gonna go on pretending like you’re not even here.” She paused for a second to step closer to her former friend. “I’m only gonna say this once, old friend. Stay the away from me.” Ji-eun stood still as she watched Chaeyoung walk out the front door. She thought about taking the warning seriously but she was also driven by an overwhelming urge to fix things, so she decided to go after her. She was about to do just that until she saw the girl who sat beside her old friend walk towards the front door herself.

“Wait,” she said as she stopped the taller girl. “Don’t go after her.”

“Don’t tell me what to do.” Mina replied, walking past her.

“Please, this thing between me and her is complicated, very complicated. If you go after her now, you’ll only ruin whatever relationship you two have.” Mina’s ears perked up as she immediately took notice of the woman’s choice of words. Anyone else would have said “friendship” or something a little less particular, ‘She knows. Am I that obvious?’ she thought. She turned around and glared at her for a second, the woman did the same. She let out a defeated sigh and gave her a nod before sitting back down. Ji-eun let out a sigh as well, but one of relief. She was glad the taller girl was able to listen to reason. Just as she was about to walk off, she felt a strong grip on her arm. It was her cousin, dragging her upstairs, to her bedroom.

The rest of the group let out their own sighs, “God damn!” Jeongyeon exclaimed. “I thought the little tiger was gonna lay the smackdown like last time.” The Japanese girls glared at her for her comment and she awkwardly downed the rest of her drink.

7:50 PM

“Okay, what the hell happened down there?” It frustrated Nayeon that she had no idea why things turned out the way they did because she was usually in the know.

“You saw what happened. I pissed Chaeng off.”

“Yeah, I know that. I also know that she’s a sweet girl and she doesn’t get that angry unless she has a reason to be.” Ji-eun looked down in shame, remembering the last time she spoke to the college girl. “Unnie, what happened between you two?” She closed her eyes and took some deep breaths to mentally prepare herself.

“Okay,” she started. “Remember a few years ago when I told you I was nervous about becoming what I'm learning to be?”

“Yeah, then a week later you told me you weren’t anymore ‘cause you got some stranger to help you and agree to be your...” Nayeon paused as it finally sunk in, “patient…” She suddenly realized the gravity of the situation. Flashbacks began flooding her mind of how depressed her cousin was the week before she left, how she drunkenly and repeatedly murmured apologies about failing someone.

“Yeah…” her cousin replied.

“… . , I didn’t think it was this bad.” Nayeon could only imagine what went through their heads when they finally saw each other after all these years. She started getting worried for both of them, mostly her cousin because she has seen what the younger girl can do, although she doesn’t think Chaeyoung would go that far.

“I know.”

“So, down there… you wanted to fix things with her,” the birthday girl stated, almost a question.

“Yeah, and she couldn’t wait to get the hell away from me.”

“Surely, she has to understand why you left, right? I mean, it’s your career we’re talking about and financial . You got arguably the biggest opportunity in your life that day.” Nayeon argued.

“I have no doubt that she understands,” Ji-eun started, “that’s not the point though. Chaeyoung’s a child of divorce and, yeah, she still got to see her father after but there were still some underlying abandonment issues there, especially when she saw him taking care of his new wife’s child. It was there, she kept it in the dark and I think me leaving definitely brought it out to the light.”

“,” the birthday girl whispered. “So, what now?”

“I gotta go after her. I can’t bear to leave her alone again.” The birthday girl nervously paced around the room, already thinking about the worst-case scenario, but she had faith in both of them. She had faith that her cousin would somehow manage and that Chaeyoung could hold herself back long enough to hear out what she had to say.

“Okay…” she reluctantly said. “Need any help?” she asked her they made their way to the door.

“No. I think I got this.” Ji-eun replied. As she was opening the bedroom door, a thought entered her mind. “That girl earlier,” she started, “mind keeping an eye on her? Make sure she stays put.” Nayeon immediately got that she was referring to Mina.

“Sure, but why?” she asked as they started walking down the stairs.

“She needs her.”

“What?”

“If things go the way I think they’re gonna go, Chaeyoung’s gonna need a shoulder to cry on later tonight. It won’t be hers if she decides to interfere.” Nayeon nodded, seeing the logic in her cousin’s explanation. “I’m also doing her a favor, seeing as she clearly has the hots for our dear Chaeyoung,” she added, making her cousin laugh.

“You noticed it too, huh?”

“Well, aside from what we all just witnessed, she also had her eyes on her the entire time, barely looked at me.”

“True.” The birthday girl bid her cousin good luck before she made her way back to the group. Ji-eun watched as the girl in question stood up and approached her cousin the moment she got back. She had an agitated look on her face but Nayeon must have absolved her of her worries as that same look quickly disappeared and they both sat back down. Ji-eun then turned to the opposite direction and walked towards the front door. She felt her heart beat rather erratically with every step she took. The noise made by the people around her weren’t loud enough to drown out the multitude of thoughts that ran through her head.

Aren’t we bold today, chasing after our failures?

Give it up already.

Stupid piece of

She’ll never listen to you.

Stop trying to save yourself from the guilt.

Embrace it, live with it.

Keep punishing yourself for it, that’s what you’re good at anyway.

That’s what you deserve.

“That’s right,” she whispered as she held on to the doorknob. “I deserve it, all of it… but she deserves better, so much better.” She twisted the knob and pulled the door inward. Even before stepping out, she had already seen her, standing at the sidewalk, cigarette in hand. She stared at the night sky as she huffed the smoke out of her lungs.

“I thought you of all people would know how to take a hint,” the younger girl said, still looking up. “Then again, what I said earlier was more of a warning, one that you didn’t really take to heart seeing as you’re here right now.” Ji-eun didn’t even realize that she was already on the sidewalk. “God, you’re still stubborn as hell.”

“And you’re still just as hostile,” she replied, making the college girl chuckle lowly.

“Yeah well, some things never change.” Chaeyoung took one last drag then flicked the cigarette towards the road. She let out a long exhale then moved to face her old friend, looking her straight in the eyes. She saw how tense the woman looked and, oddly enough, it gave her some comfort. She rarely ever got to see the woman’s vulnerable side, the sight before her made her smirk. “Go on, recite your little speech and let’s get this over with.”

“I…” she said before she choked. Her unpreparedness completely took over and she was at a loss for words. Chaeyoung stared at her and waited for something to come out of her old friend’s mouth, but nothing did.

“Well, well, this is new. You’re never speechless,” Her expression changed into a serious one as she felt like her time was being wasted. “Why are you even here?” she asked.

“I-I don’t know. I wanna make things right somehow, I just don’t know if I can.” Her answer made the younger scoff and look away from her.

“That for my benefit?”

“For both of ours.”

“Bull,” the younger girl remarked.

“What?” Ji-eun asked, clearly confused.

“The do I get out of it? I’m still gonna go on feeling like . You’re the only one who’s gonna benefit from this. I agree to make things right with you, you clear your conscience. Does that sound about right?” The logic that Chaeyoung presented didn’t even cross her mind.

“That’s not—” she tried to explain but was immediately cut off by the younger who stepped closer to her and drew her finger to her chest.

“You don’t get to have that. You have to live with the ty thing you did for the rest of your life and know that you’ll never, ever be able to make things right.” Chaeyoung withdrew her finger and stepped back a bit.

“I just thought that maybe we’d feel a little better if—”

“I’m not gonna feel better, and I’m not gonna be your prop so that YOU can feel better!” she exclaimed

“Chaeyoung, please,” Ji-eun pleaded as she tried to hold onto her.

“ off. Just… off.” Chaeyoung said as she stepped back. The woman retreated and watched the younger regain her composure. “All that talk about my abandonment issues and you decide to pull that .”

“That’s unfair.”

“So was trying to convince me that it was for the best.” The pair remained silent for a minute, both of them waiting for the other to say something. Having grown tired of their conversation, Chaeyoung decided to break that silence. “We’re done here,” she declared as she began walking away.

“Chaeng,” the woman pleaded once more and, this time, successfully grabbed hold of the younger.

“I told you to off!” the younger shouted as she shoved Ji-eun, losing whatever was left of her patience and making the woman lose her balance. Ji-eun looked at the younger girl, determined and unafraid. She realized that this was what she wanted from her. She wanted her to release all of her pent-up anger and every other emotion she’s held back for the past couple of years. 

“Go ahead, Chaeng,” she told the younger as she held her arms out to her sides. “Let it all out. I can take it.” Chaeyoung stared at the woman in disbelief. The logical part of her was telling her not play along, to give her nothing and just leave her standing on the sidewalk like an idiot, but her more instinctive side told her not to miss the chance to give her old friend a piece of her mind.

“I hate you,” she said lowly while moving closer to the older. “I had no one and I was fine with that. I wasn’t sad or lonely, at least I didn’t feel like I was, then you show up and for once I felt like someone understood me. Do you have any idea how great it felt to be truly understood? I was happy. So ing happy. You made me happy… then you left and all of a sudden I understood what loneliness actually felt like.”

“Chaeng.” Her voice broke and she felt tears building up in her eyes.

“I ing hate you!” she growled, shoving the woman once more. “All you ever did was use me!”

“That’s not true.”

“YOU ABANDONED ME!” shove.

“Chaeng.” Her lips trembled and she felt her tears flow freely down her face.

“YOU MADE ME NEED YOU,” shove— “THEN YOU ING LEFT ME!” shove— “YOU SELFISH,” shove— “ING” shove— “!” shove. Unable to handle it anymore, Ji-eun wrapped her arms around the younger girl, enveloping her in a tight embrace, one that the younger struggled to get out of.

“GET OFF ME!” the younger screamed as she tried to wiggle out of the hug. “GET THE OFF ME! ING LET ME GO!”

“No. Not this time, not ever again,” the older said, desperately trying to maintain her hold. She felt the Chaeyoung cease her struggle and felt something else, something warm dampening the fabric of her shirt as well as small hands clutching her sides.

“How could you leave me?” Chaeyoung said weakly. Hearing the younger made Ji-eun shed even more tears. It took every ounce of her willpower for her not to completely break down in front of the younger for she still had more to say.

“For what it’s worth, not a day passed by where I didn’t wish I could’ve taken you with me.” With that, the college girl broke down and returned the woman’s hug. Ji-eun held on to the sobbing girl tighter as she felt her scream against her chest. “I’m sorry,” she whispered over and over. She knew no amount of apologies would suffice, but she said them anyway no matter how small the comfort.

8:52 PM

“Mina!” She was snapped out of her little trance as she heard her hyper friend call her name. She hummed at her friend, asking what she wanted from her. “It’s your turn,” Sana said, gesturing at the bottle.

“Right,” she answered. She was too focused on wondering how her roommate was that she forgot that they were playing a game.

“You okay? You’ve been out of it since you got back from the bathroom,” Momo asked.

“I’m fine,” Mina replied, “let’s just get on with the game.” She grabbed the bottle and spun it with very little effort. It quickly backfired on her as the bottled pointed towards her and she earned some laughs from the group.

“Alright, Mina, truth or dare?” Nayeon asked.

“Dare,” she answered immediately.

“Alright. Stay there and let me kiss you.” Her eyes widened at what the birthday girl said. She wore a mischievous grin as she crawled towards Mina.

“I’ll just take the shot!” Mina shouted as she reached for the shot glass. Nayeon caught her arm and took the glass from her before proceeding to take the shot herself.

“It’s not polite to deny the birthday girl’s wishes,” she said as she inched closer. Mina closed her eyes as she felt arms circle around her neck.

“Ah, Nayeon unnie!” she screamed in protest. The older girl didn’t stop however and proceeded to make kissing noises with puckered lips, the younger's discomfort only fueling her amusement. Mina tried her best to push her off but found Nayeon to be surprisingly strong. She turned her head from side to side, trying to avoid the older’s lips. She saw her friends fall onto the floor, laughing and enjoying her misery. As she turned her head once more, she saw the girl she had been worrying about for the past hour or so approaching them. Mina noticed that she had her head down. Adrenaline surged throughout her body, afraid that Chaeyoung might see what was happening and get the wrong idea, so she pushed the birthday girl off of her as hard as she could and stood up. She had completely miscalculated how much strength she gained from her little adrenaline rush and Nayeon soon found herself face up on the floor with a sharp pain on the back of her head.

“Ow! Mina, what the hell?” the birthday girl asked, eyes closed while rubbing the back of her head. Once she opened them, she saw her little cub standing three feet away from them and realized why Mina did it. “Oh.”

“Hey,” Mina greeted.

“Can we go back?” Chaeyoung kept her eyes on the ground but she raised her head slightly. It was enough for Mina to see the bags under the younger’s eyes and the all too noticeable pink tint on her face.

“Of course. Wait here, I’m just gonna go grab my purse.” The younger merely nodded and Mina briskly made her way to the couch. Nayeon did her best to stand up and give her friend a warm hug which the younger gladly accepted.

“Get home safe, okay?” she told her.

“Okay unnie. Sorry for ruining the party.” Chaeyoung replied.

“Nonsense,” the birthday girl said as she shook her head. “You did no such thing.”

“Then you clearly haven’t seen that shaped candle I got you.” The pair let go of the hug and gave each other a laugh.

“Wait, for real?” the older asked, fearing that she might not be joking.

“Nah,” the younger answered and Nayeon let out a sigh of relief. “It also has the scent of ,” she added, making the birthday girl slap her arm. “Ow!”

“You little degenerate.”

“I’m kidding! Jesus Christ, but I did get you a gag gift of sorts," Chaeyoung defended. Just then, her roommate showed up with her purse in hand. They bid the group good night and made their way out of the house.

When they got out, they saw that Ji-eun had already hailed a cab for them and they went over to it. As the pair neared the cab, Mina got a closer look at the woman’s face. Her eyes we almost as puffy as the younger’s and her cheeks were just as pink. Chaeyoung stood in front of her and mumbled her farewell, the older did the same. She moved forward and wrapped her arms around the woman’s waist while Ji-eun returned the hug.

“Call me when you get home, okay?” she told the younger girl.

“Okay.” She gave the shorter girl a little kiss on the forehead before she let go. Chaeyoung was the first to hop in the cab, Mina followed suit but stopped at her tracks as the woman spoke. “Take care of her for me.”

“Go yourself.” Mina deadpanned before she went in. Ji-eun couldn’t hold her laughter in and moved her hand to cover . The cab drove away and she gave waved goodbye to the roommates. She laughed again while shaking her head. The sight of a jealous Mina was way too funny for her.

“Don’t worry, I’m pretty sure she likes you back.”

9:33 PM

“You made me need you, then you ing left me! You selfish ing ! Get off me! Get the off me! ing let me go!”

“No, not this time. Not ever again.”

The conversation echoed in her head while she was taking a shower. She didn’t actually go to the bathroom mid-game like she told her friends. She snuck out the backdoor because she couldn’t take it, she couldn’t sit around and wait anymore. Her curiosity got the best of her and she practically ran towards the direction where there was screaming. She saw the cub shove her old friend repeatedly before Ji-eun hugged her tight and about a few seconds later, she hugged back. “Ugh, what’s the point in being bold for half the day if her ex is just gonna show up out of nowhere?” she thought. She rubbed her face with her palms then ran then up to her hair, rinsing it properly. Another thought crossed her mind as she was drying herself off with her towel, the image of Ji-eun kissing Chaeyoung on the forehead. It made her blood boil and she furiously rubbed her head, frustrated that things turned out the way they did. “GAAAAH!” she exclaimed then angrily grabbed her toothbrush and toothpaste. “Goddamn ing piece of .”

She came out of the bathroom still drying her hair. She looked at her roommate who was still in the same position she left her, lying on her side, hugging a pillow. Mina set her towel aside and sat at the edge of her bed. She wondered if she should try to comfort her roommate but was afraid that she might end up making her cry again, so she decided against it and merely bid Chaeyoung goodnight. “Hey, Mina?” the younger girl croaked.

“Yes, Chaengie?”

“Can you cuddle me?” Mina felt her cheeks heat up at her roommate’s request

“Uh… um—” She wasn’t able to give her an immediate answer which left Chaeyoung embarrassed.

“Never mind. It’s was a stupid thing to ask for. Good night to you too.” Mina walked slowly, her heart beating rapidly and tremendously as she grew closer and closer to her roommate’s bed. Chaeyoung felt a dip behind her and soon warm arms encircled her waist. The older girl moved closer, pressing her front on the younger and making her gulp. They stayed like that for a moment and got comfortable with each other. The older girl felt her heart beat steadily and she grew to love the position they were in. “Aren’t you going to ask me?” Chaeyoung asked, breaking the comfortable silence.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Mina asked back.

“Not really.”

“It’s alright. We can just stay like this. I know it isn’t easy to talk about your ex.” She felt the girl trembling in her arms and for a moment she was scared that she made her cry, but then she heard a snort come out of the younger girl and realized that she was laughing. “What?” Mina didn’t let go of the hug as Chaeyoung turned to face her, a huge smile plastered on her face.

“Is that what you think she is?”

“Well, yeah!” she exclaimed. “I mean you were shouting about how she left you—” Mina stopped herself from continuing she was already too late, Chaeyoung got the gist of what she was saying.

“Oh, you heard that?”

“Yeah, sorry. I was just really worried and you haven’t been back in like 30 minutes and—” she was cut off by a soft knock on the head.

“It’s okay, Minari.” She felt her heart soar upon hearing the nickname. Chaeyoung had only ever used it a handful of times and maybe that’s why it had such an effect on her. “And no, she isn’t my ex, at least not in that way. She used to be my psychologist.”

“Oh,” she responded. She thought about it some more and then it clicked, the light bulb lit up on her head and everything made sense. “Ohhhhhh!”

“Yeah,” the younger said as she chuckled lightly. Her expression changed into a serious one as she began talking about what happened. “We met—” snort “We met on her birthday, actually.” She went back to laughing when the realization hit her.

“God, what is it with you and birthdays?” Mina teased.

“I didn’t know it at the time!” Chaeyoung exclaimed. “Anyway, we met at this college event. She approached me because she saw I was sitting alone by the bleachers. We got to talking and we ended up accompanying each other for the rest of the night. It was fun, she was fun. Before we went home, she told me about how nervous she was about becoming a psychologist and asked me if I could be her first patient.”

“You agreed?” Mina asked.

“Yeah, I mean I didn’t have to pay her and there was no harm in trying, so yeah, I agreed. The first session was just awful for the both of us. I didn’t even get to open up about anything, I just cried for about an hour then left. I didn’t think we’d see each other after that disaster, but then she texted me that it wasn’t a big deal and that she was happy to keep going. I came back and we got started for real. Things were admittedly a little rocky in the beginning. I wasn’t able to visit her on a weekly basis but I always tried my best, and I also wasn’t fond of sharing. Months passed and she basically got the gist of what my issues were. Mainly depression, self-loathing and dormant abandonment issues. We dealt with them one by one and I ended up getting anxiety about halfway through. She told me that it was fine, that it was part of the process since she was asking me to talk about things I haven’t addressed in years and/or repressed, so it kinda just came and went. About a year into the whole thing and I noticed just how much I had changed. I was a lot nicer to people, more open, more understanding, more mature in a way and I owed it all to her. I wanted to thank her one day, so at our next session I bought her a book I thought she might like and intended to give it to her as a gift, but then…” Chaeyoung trailed off, probably hurting from the memory.

“Then what?”

“Then I saw her packing up. Neither of us said a word to each other, at first. We both knew that it was gonna be a dreaded conversation. She didn’t waste time trying to be sentimental with me, she kinda just ripped the band-aid off. She told me she got offered a job in Australia and that they needed her to be there as soon as possible. She also started talking to me about ending things. She told me that this thing between us was unhealthy for the both of us because I shouldn’t be too dependent on her and she shouldn’t care about patients the way she does about me. She told me that it was for the best, so I left. I never looked back, I never called or texted, I never went to her going away party. After everything we’ve been through, after making feel so invaluable and so… understood, she tells me that it’s best if we just never see each other again.” Mina raised her hand to wipe off some of the tears on her roommate’s face, then she left her hand there, caressing her cheek ever so lightly. “Sorry. I’m bumming you out, am I? You can go ahead and leave me now. It’s getting late anyway.”

“Go ahead and leave me.” Mina sang, calling back to the video game they had played earlier today. “I think I prefer to stay inside. Maybe you'll find someone else to help you.” Chaeyoung laugh at her roommate’s attempt to cheer her up before deciding to sing along

“Maybe Black Mesa. That was a joke, haha, fat chance. Anyway this cake is great. It's so delicious and moist.” The pair sang the rest of the song together with smiles on their faces

Look at me still talking when there's science to do
When I look out there it makes me glad I'm not you
I've experiments to run, there is research to be done
On the people who are still alive

And believe me I am still alive
I'm doing science and I'm still alive
I feel fantastic and I'm still alive
While you're dying I'll be still alive
And when you're dead I'll be still alive
Still alive.

Still alive!

The song ended with the two of them laughing. Chaeyoung wondered if anyone other than Mina could’ve pulled of that kind of segue. Mina stared at the younger’s eyes as she put her hand back on her cheek. Her eyes held so much in them and she could spend the day just staring at them if Chaeyoung would allow her. The younger wondered if this was an appropriate moment for her to confess her feelings towards her roommate. They had been pushing and pulling each other all day until Ji-eun arrived, and when was she ever going to get a chance like this again, with the lovely Myoui Mina lying with her, holding her the way she did.

“Mina I—” she was cut off by a pair of soft, tender lips crashing onto hers. It took her a second to register what was happening before she closed her eyes and melted into the kiss. Mina’s heart leapt as she felt the younger kissing back. She wasn’t entirely sure about her decision to catch her by surprised but she took a shot anyway, she was glad it paid off. They pulled apart due to the lack of air in their lungs and went back to staring at each other.

“I like you too,” Mina told her…

And thus, began their love story.

~ 

How the did I go from writing 2000+ word chapters to 5000? Ugh. Whatever. Here's some angst/fluff. Savor it while you can, I'm going full angst on the next one.